'The Five' on the Supreme Court, Met Gala

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Gutfeld: You don’t need to go to the Met Gala

‘The Five’ serve up hot takes on the celebrity-and-politician-studded Met Gala.

This is a rush transcript of "The Five" on May 3, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Hi, I'm Greg Gutfeld along with judge Jeanine Pirro, Jessica Tarlov, Joey Jones and she buys all her scarves from Vick the local spider, Dana Perino, "The Five."

So, did something happen? Yes, an unprecedented leak at the Supreme Court sending Democrats and Republicans into a frenzy, but for different reasons. Chief justice John Roberts confirming the authenticity of a draft opinion that would overturn Roe versus Wade while pointing out that the Supreme Court has not made a final decision.

Roberts ripping the leak as an egregious breach of trust and is ordering an investigation. President Biden and Democrats ignoring the leak and are instead attacking Republicans and conservative justices on the high court.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: If this decision holds, it's really quite a radical decision.

SEN. CHUCK SCHUMER (D-NY): This is a dark and disturbing morning for America.

SEN. PATTY MURRAY (D-WA): This is a five-alarm fire.

SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN (D-MA): We need to get rid of the filibuster and Roe is just exhibit A.

SEN. BLUMENTHAL (D-CT): Part of this November's election, reproductive rights will be on the ballot.

REP. JAMIE RASKIN (D-MD): This would appear to be an invitation to have, you know, hand maid's tale type antifeminist regulation.

REP. PRAMILA JAYAPAL (D-WA): These justices are acting like this is somehow something that they have the right to change. They do not have the right to change this.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wow. This isn't coordinated at all. Democrats also telling their supporters to get out there and protest. Meanwhile, Republicans say the leak was meant to intimidate the justices into changing their vote.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. MITCH MCCONNELL (R-KY): The radical left immediately rallied around the toxic stunt making a last ditch Hail Mary attempt to cause a political firestorm and cause the court to reconsider.

SEN. TOM COTTON (R-AR): The Democrats really don't see the rule of law or the court's independence as principles that are above politics.

RON DESANTIS, GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA: That's a real significant breach of trust. You want to talk about an insurrection, you know, that's a judicial insurrection.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: If only we had a judge here. All right, judge. Who do you think leaked it and why and give us your assessment of this whole scene.

JEANNINE PIRRO, FOX NEWS HOST: I don't have the slightest idea who leaked it, but I'll tell you this. Whoever leaked it did something that is unheard of in American history. I mean, you just don't leak a decision by any judge, let alone a Supreme Court justice. I mean, there is -- and one of the things that we can be proud of is that the justices on the Supreme Court, they can be on the opposite side of issues, but you never hear about them not getting along.

I mean, we hear about Scalia, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the best of friends although ideologically they were on opposite side. So whoever leaked this, we have to find out who the person is and charge them with a crime. I don't know what the crime would be, whether it's some kind of fraud on government property.

I've heard there is a statute fraud on a government that's very broad that could include this kind of act. But I'll tell you what's so interesting about this, is if they wanted to gin up the left who was in for alleged bloodbath in November by the Republicans, there is no better way to do it than with Roe versus Wade.

But if you will just indulge me for a minute. I read the decision at length, the Dobbs decision as well as Roe again. Roe they say in this decision is an exercise of raw judicial power. In other words, it is a Supreme Court acting as a legislative body. And understand that if this decision is ultimately the decision of the court, it doesn't outlaw abortion. All it says is we are saying it's not a constitutional right.

Congress can pass a law, so Chuck Schumer is so fired up, pass a law, Chuck. Every state can pass its own law. They can -- they can, you know, negate it. They can ban it. They can promote it. Whatever they want to do. But this is what I think is so stunning about it. This decision says there is no right to abortion that is implicit in the constitution.

Understand there are three tests. Number one, is it in the constitution? Is it a constitutional right? Freedom of speech constitutional right. First amendment, the right to bear arms is a constitutional right, second amendment. But the right to an abortion? It is implied based upon what Roe says is the first, fourth, fifth, ninth, 14th amendment and I won't get into it, but they say we don't know which one for sure but it's through the due process clause.

In order for it to be part of due process and legal and constitutional, it must be a deeply rooted in our nation's history and tradition and it must be implicit in ordered liberty. Is abortion deeply rooted in our nation's history? No. In fact, at the time of Roe, virtually every state outlawed abortion.

And right before Roe, going back to the common law, it was murder and then it was reduced to a misdemeanor at some -- in some states. And it is -- is it implicit in the concept of ordered liberty? No. Even Ruth Bader Ginsburg said that. So, that is something that is based, I think, very well on very well argued. And, you know, in order for the left to get everyone fired up, they want someone on the right to cave to the mob. They want to intimidate some justice on the right to back up and support it.

But it's not a constitutional right, like same sex marriage, like interracial marriage, like contraceptive, Loving vs. Virginia. Griswold vs. Connecticut, all those cases. This involves a third party and that's the difference.

GUTFELD: There you go. That was pretty clear. I feel like I could just -- I'm going to just say --

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS HOST: Thank you for coming to her Ted talk.

GUTFELD: I know. So, the judge brings up something very interesting. The timing of this. And we talked about this that things are going so bad for the Democrats that some -- they need something and I mean, this is an amazing distraction before the midterms. Now, everyone's hair is on fire instead of talking about or focusing on inflation, crime, the border.

PERINO: So, I have lots of different thoughts. One, I think that the people who supported Roe v. Wade were living on borrowed time and they knew it because this decision as the judge just pointed out, even Ruth Bader Ginsburg was like this is -- this thing was poorly decided. And so at some point that was going to happen.

There was a lot of claims today that this is the death of democracy when actually what happens is your state legislature will decide to bring it up again and some states like Colorado have a very, very permissible abortion. And then you might have another state like Mississippi that's going to go in a different direction. But the voters will get to decide and that is what happens in our republic. That's how it works.

GUTFELD: Yes. And Roe v. Wade was anti-Democratic because this report --

PERINO: Absolutely.

GUTFELD: -- in not a democratic institution.

PERINO: Absolutely. And so when you have somebody like Liz Warren saying, well, we absolutely must kill the filibuster in order to pass this. Well, they couldn't pass it even in February. They got 46 votes for a bill that they wanted to try to codify Roe. It doesn't work. So you have for example, AOC attacking Kyrsten Sinema today, but they don't even have the votes.

So, the internal Democratic fighting will continue. I also think that there's -- you're going to hear a lot about that the justices when they were in their confirmation process would have private meetings with senators and they would tell them what you thought because they always are asked, do you think that Roe v. Wade is settled law? And they'll say, well, they told me it was settled law.

Well, now you'll have some senators say they lied to me. And so the question is then why and I maybe -- when the decision actually comes out there will be a more fulsome discussion of that as to why this happened or maybe they'll do an interview. But remember, separate but equal was settled law until it wasn't as well.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: So there was a case that was brought before the court. It's gone through the system. And even the liberals knew that Mississippi state law when it got passed they thought, oh boy, here we go. And I think that both -- my last point would be that both sides have gotten exactly what they said is coming for years, for however long.

How long has planned parent had been telling everybody that if Roe is overturned, women are going to die and be second class citizens, which is why you have a lot of people actually think that today. And then on the right, they've been saying if you elect Republicans presidents and Republican senators and you nominate conservative judges, then you will get to overturn Roe v. Wade. So now both sides are going to have to deal with the fallout on it.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know, Joey, I think, you know, what scares me at this decision, it's obviously going to target the truly marginalized and I speak of pregnant men. What are your thoughts?

JOEY JONES, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I have a lot of thoughts but I know that we don't have a lot of time. So, there are two issues here. One is the leak, which stands in itself as a controversy. The other is what might happen with Roe versus Wade and how abortion is handled in this country.

I think the one thing that I want to remind people is that people sitting at home watching right now aren't constitutional scholars and we accept that there is a religious right and there is a very liberal progressive left that are very passionate about this issue. But there is a lot of people in the middle that have an opinion on this issue.

Every agnostic person that's ever held their own child in their hand probably has an opinion about this issue. Every single mother that's ever been in a place that she felt like was between a rock and a hard place in the worse circumstance has an opinion on this issue.

And that's why the Supreme Court looks at this issue as unsettled as law in the land and that's why it's probably important that someone who is even pro-abortion but a constitutionalist might say, you know, Roe versus Wade probably overreached and didn't allow the people in this country to make this decision because it may be the most complex issue we ever decide as a nation.

We are asking the question what is life. Somewhere between conception and consciousness. That's a hard issue to explain or to define and science isn't there. That's why the Supreme Court struggled with this and that's why so many people struggled with Roe versus Wade.

GUTFELD: Jessica, last word to you.

JESSICA TARLOV, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: A lot of words. I was shocked by this last night. I really did not expect 9:00 that suddenly this would be what was happening. Obviously, it's something that liberals have warned of and that conservatives have long wanted so I guess it's not a complete surprise.

The timing is strange. I have seen feasible arguments for why it was a liberal clerk that leaked this and why it was a conservative clerk who leaked this because if it was a conservative, it might be someone who wants to keep all the five judges that are on the side of Alito's opinion in their box there.

And they don't want to leave any room for pushback probably on someone like Justice Kavanaugh who I think out of the group would be the most likely to maybe side with Roberts who it seems like is not with the group of five and is writing a separate concurrence. So, leaking is bad. It should not happen. There have been partial leaks before. Actually, the original Roe decision I thought that was fascinating. It was partially leaked.

But it's obviously a huge deal. The numbers speak for themselves, 63 percent of Americans believe that abortion should be legal in all or most cases. Most cases is where we get into trouble to Joey's point. And the people want to have some sort of conversation about a viability date. Right?

That I think we can all agree at least at this table that these laws that have come into place in conservative states like Mississippi where we're talking about six-week abortion bans. I was recently pregnant. I did not know that I was pregnant at the six-week mark. I wanted my baby. I am thrilled to have my daughter, but that doesn't mean that I should have my ability to make my own healthcare decisions stripped away from me because I happen to live in that state.

What Elizabeth Warren was talking about and everyone can make fun of her about her hysterical nature. She is absolutely correct. This law will hurt poor women. This law will hurt women who do not have access to good healthcare. I'm an upper middle class white woman. I will be able to get whatever healthcare I want for the rest of my life. That is not true of women that are struggling, people who are working two jobs.

And also the majority of women who get abortions guess what? They've already been mothers. They are people who making family planning decisions. This is not about teenagers running around and getting pregnant in a car and just saying, oh, I don't care, or people who think that abortion is the same as the morning after pill. It is not.

It is one of what -- the most carefully considered decisions that a woman makes. And that's why this law was so important. It was about privacy. That I should be able to go into a room with my doctor and make a decision.

JONES: That's why it's so tragically that there are people lobbying them to try to influence them to get an abortion. That's part of the problem. It is a nuanced thing that every specific individual has to make for themselves and that might be why states should decide as a culture and a sovereign state how they are going to handle it.

TARLOV: Why should you be someone who can't live in the state of Texas, for instance, because you want to be able to make decisions about how to control your own body? And I'm so sick also of seeing on television people who were screaming that I was infringing on their rights because I asked them to wear a mask. Telling me that I have to have a baby that I don't necessarily want or that I can't --

GUTFELD: You can even reverse that argument with the vaccines as well. So.

TARLOV: I would still argue that a shot in your arm is a little bit different than a commitment to a person for 18 years. And Republicans also, no support for the social services that they want to do.

JONES: That commitment is a lot.

TARLOV: They just say have a baby and deal with it.

GUTFELD: Yes. I think the assumption that the poor, you know, helping the poor by giving them more abortions seem pretty gross to me.

TARLOV: It's giving them options.

GUTFELD: Yes, of course. That's what we call it. Up next, the media inflaming divisions and ramping up hysteria of the Supreme Court's abortion leak.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

JONES: Welcome back. While Democrats are telling people to get out in the streets, the left-wing media is ratcheting up the tensions in the country with an almost apocalyptic take on the leaked Supreme Court opinion overturning Roe versus Wade.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC HOST: In the event that we had a Republican president in 2024, that's where we'd be. We'd be at a, you know, South America style nationwide abortion ban in America.

DON LEMON, CNN HOST: What other cases have been decided based on these precedents that could now be in jeopardy?

JAFFREY TOOBIN, CNN LEGAL ANALYST: Same sex marriage.

UNKNOWN: Honestly, I want to cry.

MIKA BRZEZINSKI, MSNBC HOST: What does this story mean for the Supreme Court?

JOE SCARBOROUGH, MSNBC HOST: Well for the Supreme Court, in a word, illegitimacy.

JOY BEHAR, HOST, THE VIEW: This is just the beginning. Next, they will go after gay marriage and maybe the board, the -- what is it, Brown versus Board of Education. They already eroded our voting rights a little bit. So, I see some -- I see fascism down the line here.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

JONES: Greg, when Jeffrey Toobin is speaking out, have they lost the moral superiority on this --

GUTFELD: Well, he's a big fan of abortion if you look into his history.

PIRRO: Oh, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. So.

JONES: Well. The question --

GUTFELD: There are few things in his history that are pretty disgusting.

JONES: The question is are these media celebrities, are they truly passionate about this argument or is this just the next flame they can throw?

GUTFELD: I think it's the -- I think it could be a matter of both. I mean -- how dumb are these people to think that this is banning abortion. It's not, right? This is about sending it back to the states. And by the way, "The New York Times," very, very pro-choices says that if this decision is made, the choice is made, you might see a 14 percent decline in abortions, 14 percent.

That's, I mean, if your hair is on fire about that and you know that if you wanted an abortion, even if you are poor, Jessica, somebody is going to get you that abortion. It's almost as though they have a quota, right? It's like people want abortion be as American as apple pie and hot dogs. It's like sorry, guys, there are still people in this world who do not see it as healthcare, who do see it as murder.

By the way, how about that gender diversity thing the Supreme Court that okayed Roe v. Wade, how many guys -- was it just all men, right? And this now, how many women? Three women on the Supreme Court? There is your diversity.

JONES: Dana, that is one of the arguments that it kind of opens the door for a full ban across the country. Not necessarily to argue the legal premise of that, but it seems like the same people who tell us we don't have enough faculty over our children that are born to, I don't know, decide if they are male or female, and now tell us we have full control over children in a selfish way in some cases to end their life. And so where is the media coming from here? Like --

PERINO: Well, I think that with the clips that you just saw and there's probably going to be a lot more of that, is that it doesn't have any nuance at all. It doesn't have any understanding of the actual facts and how this works and how state legislatures and your government that you elect at your state level will take this on and take it up.

And look, Republicans are going to have to answer the questions. Democrats are going to have to make their case, and that's how it is supposed to work. The other thing about these guys is, you know, they really don't like legal leaks, right? Remember the Hunter Biden laptop? That leak was terrible.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: That leak was terrible. But illegal leaks like IRS tax information, the Steele dossier? What happened return to norms? I thought we were going to have all these return to norms? And also why are they so upset about the people's voices being heard? What about the people who believe that abortion is wrong, and since 1973 have lived with the Roe v. Wade decision?

And they worked. They made their voices heard. They got people elected that agreed with them and they were able to get a president elected who then was actually able to nominate three justices who have made a decision based on something as we established in the A block, a decision that was flawed from the beginning and now it's finally returned to the states if this decision is real.

JONES: Jessica, Dana said that -- you know, what's strong about people's voices being heard? There were some from Planned Parenthood on earlier today with Martha I think. And he said in the same sentence that the overwhelming opinion of Americans supports access to abortion under Roe versus Wade. And then he said that 40 states are pushing legislation to restrict access to abortion.

Last I thought, state legislatures are representative governments of the people who live in the state. So how can that be true? How is it -- i this just really the media is pushing the narrative they believe in or do they really believe most Americans want abortions?

TARLOV: They believe that a majority of Americans, 63 percent want some access to abortion and that might be -- there are a lot of people who believe it should only be in the first trimester or people believe it's up to 20 weeks as a very popular number of weeks --

PIRRO: Where is that --

GUTFELD: -- number from by the way? Do we have --

TARLOV: It's a viability number of where the chances of --

PIRRO: Quickening. Modern day quickening that they referred to in the common law where the baby can live.

GUTFELD: The 63 percent?

TARLOV: Still has a chance at living.

PIRRO: Yes.

TARLOV: It's obviously not a slam dunk at 20 weeks, but they've had a lot of success with it.

GUTFELD: I was going to say that the 63 percent number.

TARLOV: The 63 percent come (ph)--.

PERINO: More than 63 percent is saying that they want -- they don't want Roe v. Wade to be overturned.

JONES: Well, and the purpose --

PERINO: And the follow up question --

PIRRO: It depends on how you ask the question.

JONES: Exactly.

GUTFELD: Exactly, where that number came from.

TARLOV: No.

GUTFELD: If you're going to cite it, I'd like to know the source.

JONES: People can say abortions should be legal --

TARLOV: It's Gallup is the source.

JONES: -- and still support the Mississippi law because it doesn't ban abortion. It puts an advance. It limits it.

TARLOV: -- at eight weeks. But it limits it extensively. That's not something that is flexible.

JONES: But still legal.

TARLOV: It is -- it is still legal, but I want to say --

JONES: So now there are 63 percent of people could support the Mississippi law is the point?

GUTFELD: Yes.

JONES: For that (inaudible).

TARLOV: It's not 63 percent of people that are supporting a restrictive law and that law will --

JONES: I'm using your numbers not mine.

TARLOV: Okay. There are 20 states in the country right now that that have something called trigger laws, which means that if this decision goes into effect, which is expected at the end of June, immediately abortion becomes hugely restricted or outright banned in their states. That includes also going after people who assist in providing abortion that can be, remember in Texas we talked about your uber driver who takes you to an abortion clinic.

GUTFELD: But that never happened.

TARLOV: That could be your doctor.

PIRRO: No, no, no. There's got to be intent. Don't mislead the audience.

TARLOV: Oh, I am not misleading the audience.

PIRRO: There's got to be intent in order to --

TARLOV: That's why Ted Cruz wouldn't even touch that law.

PIRRO: It's called mens rea.

JONES: All right. We can keep this with you.

PIRRO: All right.

JONES: Judge, does this open the door to ban things like gay marriage and other --

PIRRO: No, it doesn't. They specifically say in this decision. Alito says this does not. The difference between abortion and gay marriage and interracial marriage and contraception is abortion involves a third party. And let me read one last statement here by the court here. "Our decision returns the issue of abortion to legislative bodies. It allows women on both sides of the abortion issue to affect legislative process by influencing opinion and lobbying. Women are not without electoral or political power."

And my stats that I have are that there are 63 million abortions a year in this country. Those are the stats that I heard.

PERINO: I wish we had five more minutes on this.

PIRRO: That's a little too much.

PERINO: I got more on this.

JONES: Yes. All right. Coming up, is Biden not canceling student debt. AOC is brushing off concerns of those who already paid them off.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PIRRO: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez thinks you're a sucker if you worked hard and paid off your student debt. The radical congresswoman responding to a question on how Biden's plan would benefit those who have already paid off their loans, quote, "I have said it before and I will say it again. Not every program has to be for everybody. People with apartments paid for first-time homeowners benefits. Young people pay for Medicare for seniors. People who take public transit pay for car infrastructure."

All right, it make sense to me. How about you, Greg?

GUTFELD: I pay for everything. I get nothing, nothing. No, I love how she explains it. They're not meant for you, right? But then you have to ask, OK, then what is this debt forgiveness -- who isn't meant for? And when you look at the data, it's upper white, middle class, liberal women. This isn't welfare, right?

These are these are well-to-do people. It's a bribe for Democrats on the backs of plumbers, truckers, and everyone else who actually does a real job. Unlike me. AOC is the symbol of the entitled sponge. She complains about student loans, but she owns a Tesla. And worse, she owns a French Bulldog.

Thanks to Kat Timpf, I know everything about French Bulldogs. And one thing I know --

JONES: I got a French Bulldog.

GUTFELD: -- they are so expensive. They're more expensive than any college tuition. That you got to take care of them. They're adorable dog. But she owns a Tesla, and she owns a French Bulldog, and she's -- she wants you or your dad, the electrician, to forgive her student loan. That's BS. Turn in the Tesla, sell the dog. I'll buy it half price.

PIRRO: All right, Dana, I'll go down the road here. Today, the numbers, the employment numbers where -- they increase, there are 11.5 million jobs available. So, this whole argument that we have to cancel their student debt is based on what, other than buying votes? There's so many jobs.

PERINO: Well, they also say -- they also say it's because of the pandemic. Unless it's at the border, then it's not the pandemic. So, we've seen their logic there. The thing is about her is she -- they give 90% of the benefit to the top 60 percent of incomes, right? And so, you find -- who are the constituencies now? Who are they actually trying to help?

And the other thing, when you mentioned she has a Tesla, you also get a tax credit for that because now you have a green vehicle which is also for the wealthy. This is all so maddening.

GUTFELD: Swear, Dana.

PERINO: I'm also baffled by AOC and others who are just demanding that Joe Biden take executive action because they can't pass any laws. They are not persuasive enough to pass any laws so they have to have -- they try to have a king do it.

PIRRO: Well, you know, what's interesting, Joey, is that -- his name is Ro Khanna has plans to introduce legislation -- congressman -- to cancel student loans, emphasizing that even though Biden has the power to do it, he wants to legislate it.

JONES: Well, he's a pretty -- he's actually a pretty moderate member, respectively for the squad. Here's the -- here's the thing about this. Actually, my gripe is not with the Democrats asking for what I expect Democrats to ask for. My gripe is with Republicans. They should absolutely call the bluff the same way Democrats have called -- have refused to call the bluff on the wall.

Democrats want something like this as a handout, but they want it for a specific group of people, people that went for, you know, liberal studies like I did, and didn't pay for it with a leg and a leg like I did, and now have a lot of student loan debt but can't get employed.

What Republicans should do is say, OK, you want to give all those people student loan debt forgiveness, OK, let's do a tax credit to everybody who's already paid theirs off for the next however many years it takes to get that back.

PIRRO: Yes, thank you.

JONES: Let's also include trade schools. You know what, let's not just means test the people getting the student loan forgiveness, let's means test the degree. And if it comes out that the most expensive degrees yield a much lower income, let's put legislation on universities to not charge an absorbent amount of money for a worthless degree. And by the way, let's give the trade schools the same opportunity.

PIRRO: OK, Jessica, final word.

TARLOV: I like a lot of that. I think I like all of it.

PIRRO: OK.

TARLOV: This is the new New Green Deal issue, right? So, before the last election, it was like this has to get through, now it's turned into this. And the most interesting thing that I read about why this is a problem or an education problem, not in terms of the degree that you got, is that people are graduating with a four year liberal arts degree think that they will be paid $50,000 more per year than the actual market dictates.

So, they're going into this thinking, oh, I'm going to come out -- I'm going to earn $100,000 out of college. No, you're not. You're not. Unless you go into finance or you go to a corporate law firm, you are not earning $100,000 right out of college, and you don't need to.

PIRRO: Yes. And we didn't want to pay for your loan. Ahead, Hillary called a hypocrite and the liberal elites getting political at the ritzy Met Gala.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

TARLOV: Celebrities and politicians flaunting their fortunes and political messages at the swanky Met Gala in New York City. Hillary Clinton getting called out for the optics of going maskless as a mass staffer attends to her gown. New York City Mayor Eric Adams sporting an end gun violence tuxedo as crime soars in his city. And Kim Kardashian stunning people everywhere with her sparkling $5 million dress that Marilyn Monroe wore to sing Happy Birthday to President John F. Kennedy. Greg, would you like to talk about Kim Kardashian's dress?

GUTFELD: No. I couldn't believe that -- did you see what Kilmeade wore? Unbelievable. He showed so much skin. It was disgusting.

PERINO: He's been working out.

GUTFELD: It's weird though. It does show how people who like to define themselves as edgy, rebellious, or artistic, or whatever, and they love to stand out but they're -- they just have such a desperate need to belong. That when one of these events happens, they flocked to it and they all get dressed up and they all obey and they conform to the collective need to be seen.

It's like you don't need to go to these things but it's like this is replacing the Oscars. And somebody tells them, their publicist says you have to be seen. But Hillary in the dress with the -- with the African- American or the Black gentleman in the mask, you know, holding her skirt or her train, I mean, that's the hierarchy. That's the structure that makes the elites happy.

You follow the rules -- you follow the rules, they don't have to. You're down there. I'm up here.

TARLOV: Joey, do you think that the average person who might have caught a glimpse of this -- and obviously, last night this was not the big news story with the abortion case leak, but do you think that's how they feel about this or they just think this is what rich people do?

JONES: I think the average person doesn't know what the hell the Met Gala is or care. Listen, if you've got enough hubris and money to go dress like a Star Wars character --

PIRRO: Look at this.

PERINO: Jared Leto, yes.

JONES: -- they'll do it. I don't -- I don't have any -- I don't condemn any of this. What I condemn is those same people walking a block over the next day and holding some press release about how we got to, you know, tax the rich. Like, you know, pick your side. You know, be a little bit consistent, a little bit less of a hypocrite, and we'll get along just fine.

I don't know any -- I know some of those people, not really well. And I really don't care if they had a good time. I really don't care if they dressed like idiots for a night and called it fashion. I don't care about that at all. What I care about is them telling me what I should do with my money. Or even worse, telling Elon Musk what he should do with his money. That's the hypocrisy of it all. And I guess we just expect Democrats do Democrat things, I guess. I don't know.

TARLOV: Well, you don't know if that was your final word. Dana?

PERINO: I think one of the worst things that could ever happen to me would be to be invited to that thing. I would cringe the entire time. I'll make Greg go with me.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: So that we could at least make some fun.

GUTFELD: Yes. We could do a costume pair. Like, I don't know.

PERINO: Oh, yes. Tweet us. Tell us what we could be. Oh, boy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Yes, there we go. I think it's funny that the Met Gala always follows the White House Correspondents Dinner. It's just like, it's perfect. It's just -- and I'm sure that everybody there really truly believed that rich people should have their student loans paid off. I'm sure that was a high topic of conversation.

GUTFELD: I would go as Mr. Met, the big, giant Met guy.

PIRRO: With the big head?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRRO: With the big head?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: That's funny.

JONES: I'll go when I can afford nickel-plated legs.

TARLOV: Judge?

PIRRO: You know, I don't begrudge them doing this. What I do begrudge is, you know, sometimes I think the mayor probably spent more time on ending gun violence in terms of making that suit and putting it on than he has in actually trying to end gun violence. Because when he went to Albany and came back, he yelled at the press because he didn't like -- you know, he didn't want to answer how he failed in Albany.

I love that Elon Musk brought his mother.

TARLOV: Yes.

PIRRO: Now, I love him even more. And, you know -- you know, let them do their thing. They're happy with themselves. You know, good for them. Who cares?

TARLOV: And I know -- his mom used to be a supermodel.

PIRRO: Yes, she was a supermodel.

GUTFELD: (INAUDIBLE) Did you know that?

TARLOV: I didn't.

GUTFELD: Yes. She was on the cover of many, many fashion magazines.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: You can look it up.

TARLOV: I will look it up when I'm free.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TARLOV: I'm excited. "THE FASTEST" is up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: Welcome back. It's time for "THE FASTEST." First up, a gigantic wild turkey is terrorizing Washington D.C. residents. And nobody seems to be able to capture him. The Angry Bird has been attacking cyclists, runners, and walkers for months. Joey, they might want to send you down there.

JONES: A couple of things. Number one, I used to ride a handcycle on the Mount Vernon trail in D.C. or on the -- on the Virginia side and I used to get attacked by geese every day. Nobody cared about that, a guy with no legs get attacked by a flock of geese.

Also, this bird is not attacking. It's March, April, almost -- it's May now. He's mating. He's -- he thinks that bike a female turkey.

PIRRO: With the bicycle?

GUTFELD: Who hasn't?

JONES: Understand what happens with birds. Number two, if they would allow us to hunt turkeys in DC, this wouldn't be a problem. He'd be on my wall and in my freezer. He wouldn't be terrorizing anybody on the bicycle.

PERINO: I see. OK, I didn't -- do you think that he's trying to mate with that bike?

GUTFELD: No. Obviously, he's very concerned about the Roe v Wade being overturned. I believe an MSNBC reporter has labeled him an insurrectionist. I think we need to establish a committee to find it if this turkey is just the tip of the turkey supremacist movement.

PERINO: Judge, what do you think?

PIRRO: Me?

PERINO: Yes.

PIRRO: I don't know why that person doesn't get on the bicycle and start paddling. Why does that person keep going around and around.

GUTFELD: And he's filming it? Who's filming it?

PERINO: Yes, he's filming it.

(CROSSTALK)

PIRRO: I don't know. I mean, it's stupid.

PERINO: Jessica?

PIRRO: OK, go to the next guy. And that's all I have to say.

PERINO: Jessica?

TARLOV: I didn't know that there were so many wild turkeys in DC, not just this one. I mean --

PERINO: There are a lot of turkeys in D.C.

PIRRO: Yes.

PERINO: Let's be clear. Maybe some not so wild.

JONES: That's just a -- that's just Jake. He's not even a full-grown Tom.

PERINO: All right, up next model coming up with a -- I guess it's a super smart way to vet her date. She gives them an IQ test the first time they meet. And if they don't score above average, then they're out. Jessica, do you like that idea?

TARLOV: No, it's horrible. It keeps you single a really long time --

PIRRO: Yes.

TARLOV: -- if you're doing things like that. It's achy --

PERINO: Joey?

TARLOV: It gives women bad --

JONES: I don't know. Like, maybe litmus test, does he have a job? You know, stuff like that first.

PERINO: Is he a good person? Does he have a good heart?

JONES: Yes, you know. There's a lot of dumb people out there to make good money and make you laugh. I'm one of them, you know.

PERINO: What do you think about her method, Greg?

GUTFELD: She is in a quandary. I feel bad for her because the person who flunked the IQ test is anyone who dates her, right?

PIRRO: Well said.

GUTFELD: Because I mean, a smart person would run from her like she was on fire.

JONES: That's right.

GUTFELD: Those are the brainiacs. If you say, hey, she seems like a real natural catch. Yes, you're stupid.

PERINO: Judge, she says that she's often underestimated by men who assume she's stupid because she's so good-looking and she is a model.

GUTFELD: Can we show a picture of her?

PIRRO: You know what, if she's underestimated by men, what do you think the men think of her in terms of her saying, you know, you've got to take it -- you got to take an IQ test. I mean, that's --

GUTFELD: Show the picture.

JONES: But you know --

PIRRO: We got a picture of her?

JONES: That is kind of a thing though.

GUTFELD: We don't have a picture of her? That's the story.

PIRRO: Do you have a picture of her?

GUTFELD: Yes, in my wallet. Hold on.

PERINO: OK, let's do the third topic please. Here we go. Finally, science finds that teen brains literally tuned out their mom's voice. As teenagers mature, their brains are wired to listen to their parents less than they did when they were younger. Judge, that seems -- is it logical?

PIRRO: Let me tell you. As soon as my kids turn into teenagers, they didn't hear a word I said, which is why I talk at this level all the time.

PERINO: Joey, your daughter is too young to tune you out.

JONES: I've got a 12-year-old son.

PERINO: OK.

JONES: And he still -- he still fears me enough not to me out. I don't know how he treats his mom. It's a different house. But I will say, this is evolution at play. When you have to become an adult, assume responsibility, you can't do that if you're leaning to mom and dad.

PERINO: You have to go from being a Jake to a Tom.

JONES: That's exactly right.

PERINO: Jessica, you have a baby.

TARLOV: So, I only have 12.5 years left.

PERINO: Yes. You better enjoy her.

TARLOV: Yes. That was --

PIRRO: There she is.

TARLOV: And here she is.

PERINO: She's super cute.

JONES: Beautiful.

TARLOV: My little --

GUTFELD: Greg, did you -- did you ever tune out your mom?

GUTFELD: No, I couldn't because we didn't have phones back then. You know what this is? This is evolution. It's the home -- from the homo sapien to the homo techno.

PERINO: I thought it was techno sapien?

GUTFELD: Techno Sapien? I don't know. It's whatever grimes says is correct.

PERINO: Yes.

GUTFELD: But it's like, we are actually -- we are now designing our own evolution. We are changing our bodies. It used -- because we -- look at --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Have you watched -- have you watched how -- like, I watched young women in our -- in our building. When they walk, they were developing a really bad --

PERINO: The hunch?

GUTFELD: The hunch. And that's not going to go away.

JONES: We are losing our pinky toe because we wear shoes. So, I consider myself a hit with the evolutionary thing.

PERINO: And with that, "ONE MORE THING" is up next.

PIRRO: Really?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: It's time now for "ONE MORE THING." I get to go first. Tonight's show is a real banger as they say in England. I got Johnny Joey Jones, Emily Compagno, Kat Timpf, Tyrus. It's going to be so much --

PERINO: Oh, you're friends.

GUTFELD: And our new studio. And now let's do this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Animals are great! Animals are great! Animals are great!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, in journalism we say, when a man bites a dog -- or dog bites a man, it's not a story. When a man bites a dog, it's a story. But what about a fish biting a cat? Take a look at this. The cat is getting pretty cocky. He thinks he can get the fish. Well, he didn't know who he's dealing with. Look at that.

JONES: That's awesome.

GUTFELD: That's amazing. I think that -- I wish Tyrus is here. He would tell me what kind of fish that is. The cat ends up having to suck on his own little paw but we --

PERINO: That's a real fish bites cat story.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Thank you.

PIRRO: Wow. Is that a piranha?

GUTFELD: I don't know. Piranhas are deceptively calm, Judge. And your next.

PIRRO: Oh, thank you. OK, so the next time you go to Home Depot anytime soon, I hope that you have a better plan than the person in this car. Take a look. This person has got wood sticking out of his car as he smashes through an intersection. Check this oblivious -- he's on a Texas freeway.

PERINO: What an idiot.

PIRRO: As you can see, he couldn't be bothered renting a truck. He destroys a road sign. He strikes another vehicle with a lumbar. And left large pieces of woods scattered all over the road before driving off into the sunset without a care in the world. And half the wood that he bought at Home Depot.

PERINO: I don't think he'd be able to date that model.

JONES: If you don't drive a truck, you don't know what to do with that anyway.

GUTFELD: There you go. I would not do that. Jessica?

TARLOV: So, a 70-year-old Michael Kish has gone viral for proving that age is just a number showing off his amazing wheels and running a 13.47 second 100 meter dash. The grandfather blew away the competition and won the 70 and over age bracket at the Penn relays last week. It's gotten millions of views with viewers of all ages wanting a shot to race the elderly speedster.

For comparison, the average 100-meter dash time for top Olympic athletes is just over 10 seconds. Just a few seconds faster than Michael's time at 70 years old.

PERINO: Oh, my God.

TARLOV: Incredible, right?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: In fact, he was running towards the bathroom. Dana? I'm sorry.

PERINO: That was funny. I want you to meet -- I want to introduce you to a young Wendy. This is Wendy. This is Wendy, a sea lion. And she lives in the Galapagos Islands. And every day she comes to this hotel and she just swims along. She's like, you know, I know there's a big ocean out here but I think I'm just going to take a dip in the pool.

And then, that's her chair. And it doesn't matter who's there. She's like, excuse me, I'm going to take a nap right there.

JONES: That's what I would like, going from the pool to the shore.

PERINO: The name is Wendy. And if you go to this hotel in the Galapagos Islands, you can meet her.

GUTFELD: That's silly. That's a terrible name for a seal. Wendy is a girl's name for like a human being.

PIRRO: How do you know that seal is a female?

GUTFELD: I don't know.

TARLOV: He's saying that there's an animal name.

PIRRO: Look at this. Look at this.

JONES: What would you name her?

PERINO: It's hilarious. He was like, excuse me, can I have my towel?

GUTFELD: Seal. I've named him seal after one of my favorite musicians.

PERINO: Yes, of course.

PIRRO: Oh, that is so creative.

PERINO: Hey, real quick. Another news, my Everything Will Be Okay podcast is out today again. And Arthur Brooks was my guest. He wrote a book called From Strength to Strength. And he talks about maximizing your happiness 401K. It's a really, really great conversation.

PIRRO: Oh, that's wonderful.

GUTFELD: All right, where are we? Joey.

PERINO: Joey.

JONES: OK, May is Military Appreciation Month and there's non-profit I'm on the board of. It's been involved in my life since I've lost my legs. It's called Boot Campaign. Go to bootcampaign.org/militaryappreciation. So, what they're doing, they're doing a physical fitness challenge. There's a 69- year-old man that's running 31 miles a day every day in May to celebrate the extortion 1731 that were lost on August 6, which was also my lab day.

I'm on a team. I don't know what physical fitness I have to do to make this happen but -- so, go check it out. Sign up for your physical fitness challenge.

PERINO: He's 70?

JONES: 69.

PIRRO: No, 69. And he doesn't run as fast as 70 --

PERINO: But he runs 31 miles a day?

GUTFELD: That's crazy.

TARLOV: But he's a veteran.

GUTFELD: It makes my knees hurt just thinking about it.

PIRRO: Yes, my knees are killing me too.

JONES: Mine too.

GUTFELD: Well, that's it for us. "SPECIAL REPORT" is up next. Hey, Bret! How are you?

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