We are going to begin with the most predictable thing that's happened, the headline you could have written with total confidence months ago: "President Trump acquitted by U.S. Senate." It just happened. Impeachment is finally over.
The result was never in doubt; the whole thing was like watching "Titanic" really. Oh pretty gripping! But no matter what happens in the opening scenes, you know the boat is going to sink in the end.
EX-UKRAINE AMBASSADOR SOUNDS OFF AFTER TRUMP ACQUITTAL: 'I HAVE SEEN DICTATORSHIPS'
Same in Washington. No matter how fervently Democrats wished otherwise, the president was always going to remain in office, and as predicted, both impeachment articles failed in the Senate.
Obstruction of Congress went down 53 to 47. The abuse of power charge failed 52 to 48. A lone Republican, as you may have read, defected and join the Democrats.
That senator shall go unnamed on this show, on the grounds that silly moral preening should not be rewarded with the publicity it is designed to garner. An overwrought ethics lecture from a private equity guy? Next thing you know, some payday loans sleazeball will be telling us we're all going to hell.
It's just too absurd, even for the ludicrous moment we're living in. We'll take that seriously just as soon as we decide that Al Sharpton is a legitimate moral voice. So enough of that.
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Back in reality, though. Now that impeachment is over, maybe we can have our country back. From last September until Wednesday, Ukraine was the only thing that mattered in Washington. That's an awful lot of wasted time. For perspective, it's more time that America spent declaring fighting and winning the Spanish-American War.
So what do we get for it in the end? Well, nothing really - no tangible benefits at all. We did learn quite a bit about some of the characters involved in the farce.
We found out that Adam Schiff is a budding thespian. Who knew? We also learned that Nancy Pelosi isn't simply the leader of a political party. She's also a woman of profound faith, as well as bottomless sadness. Her days are consumed by praying and weeping.
A new Gallup poll shows the president with the highest approval rating of his presidency, higher than the day he was inaugurated. Who did that? Democrats did that. Impeachment didn't just fail, it helped the man they say they hate.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif.: This is a very sad time for our country. I say this to you with great sorrow and prayerfully.
But first, let me say that this is no cause for any joy. This is a very sad time for our country.
It's really sad. We have to be very prayerful. I pray for the President all the time.
This is a very sad time for our country. There is just no joy in this. It is sad.
Wow. Not a breezy person that Nancy Pelosi. Thankfully now that impeachment has ended, Pelosi can resume her life of spiritual contemplation. She'll be returning to her vestry duties at the Church of Third-trimester Abortion on Market Street, and we wish her well.
If there's any good news to come from impeachment, it's that we now know what really matters to our leaders in Washington. If you guessed your safety, happiness and well-being, we're going to have to pause here to giggle bitterly. It's definitely not that. Sorry.
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What really matters to them -- and you've learned this -- is the nation of Ukraine, which is somewhere near Russia. As we've often been told these past five months, it is our highest and most sacred duty to support the people of Ukraine. And needless to say, that includes giving them sophisticated weapons systems whenever they ask for them and never ever delaying the delivery of those weapons, even for a moment.
Listen to honorary Ukrainian Adam Schiff explain.
Rep. Adam Schiff, D-Calif., Trump impeachment manager: The widely accepted fact of Ukraine's importance to our national security makes President Trump's abuse of power in withholding of vital diplomatic and military support all the more disturbing.
We only deter Russia by consistently demonstrating support for our friends, friends like Ukraine. That is why it is so important to our security that we stand with Ukraine.
Countries like Ukraine are fighting our fight against authoritarianism. And God help us if it's not our fight still.
"God help us if we ever abandon Ukraine!" Hilarious.
Imagine if Democrats had gone in another more conventional direction, like drop the Ukraine talk, and instead spent the last five months working on, I don't know, the student loan disaster or lowering insurance premiums or helping young people build functioning families. They could have done that, but they didn't. They ignored it.
Instead, they yammered on for months about some meaningless phone call with a Ukrainian. Nobody outside Twitter ever cared, not for one minute. The country was always bored by this.
And after a few months, voters became annoyed, and then they became disgusted. And the final result was as predictable as Wednesday's vote was.
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A new Gallup poll shows the president with the highest approval rating of his presidency, higher than the day he was inaugurated. Who did that? Democrats did that. Impeachment didn't just fail, it helped the man they say they hate.
But you shouldn't be surprised. Of course it did. Like "Titanic," the ending was obvious from the opening credits, only they didn't get it.
Adapted from Tucker Carlson's monologue from "Tucker Carlson Tonight" on Feb. 5, 2020.
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