Greg Gutfeld: Elon Musk has taken away a drug from our media

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Gutfeld: We now need to bleach history so it fits the ‘hypersensitive present’

'Gutfeld!' panel discusses Google's new addition to Google Docs and Elon Musk buying Twitter.

So it's big news in the tech world and bigger, badder news for the media. 

But first, let's take a look at Google. It's a search engine Kat. Google it. It's now launched an inclusive language function for their Google Docs, designed to avoid words that might offend users. For example, if you were to type in the word landlord, a warning might pop up, saying it may not be inclusive to all readers and then give them suggestions for replacements, like property owner or proprietor or Mr. Furley. 

I'm still trying to figure out how that word offends anyone. Landlord goes back to feudal systems of the medieval period and all those people are dead. 

(Associated Press)

If you happen to use the word "mankind," Google might ask you to replace that with "humankind," which sucks. I mean, what if it's something historical like JFK's inaugural address? Google actually suggested one should replace "for all mankind" with "for all humankind." Man, JFK, John Nick Jr., Robert Joe, Senior Joe, Junior Ted, Kathleen, Ethel, David Michael must be turning over in their many graves right now. 

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I wonder if they plan to censor JFK’s "ask what you can do for your country" line, because that might offend people who prefer not to pay their student loans. 

So apparently, you'll now need to bleach history to make it fit with the hypersensitive present, which means "man" or "wife" has to go. Which is kind of ironic since we're living in a time where some men are transitioning to be wives and where some wives are now traditionally to be men. And I all want to be as a woodland creature with the power to knit doilies. A nymph. Housewife is now stay-at-home spouse. Policeman is now police officers and so on. Of course, many computer systems have tools to correct grammar and spelling, although you sure wouldn’t know that after reading, Jesse's book.

And what starts on spreadsheets could probably find its way to your streets. 

ACTOR BEING ROBBED: Help! My purse! Someone stop this guy. 

ROBBER: Whoa, "guy?" We don't need to bring gendered language into this. 

ACTOR BEING ROBBED: Who cares? I’m being manhandled. Where’s the policeman?

ROBBER: Again with all the man talk? It’s like you’re not even listening to me.

ACTOR BEING ROBBED: This was a gift from my landlord.

ROBBER: OK. First of all, it's called proprietor or property owner and I don't even want your bag anymore, quite frankly. And it's weird that your landlord gives you stuff. 

ACTOR BEING ROBBED: You said landlord!

Billionaire Elon Musk bought 9% of Twitter, an investment of USD 3 billion. (Photo Illustration by Rafael Henrique/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images) (Photo Illustration by Rafael Henrique/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images)

It seems like every day Big Brother is closing in, and it isn't coming from above, but from all sides, from creepy journalists like Taylor Lorenz, the bug-eyed cancel cop chasing down Twitter users, to even former President Obama, who's launching a disinformation initiative claiming there's no right to freedom of speech on social media. Apparently, he still thinks Twitter is no different than other media, since they’re both private. True, I have no obligation to have you on my show. 

That's obvious, but keep you off Twitter? That removes you from the modern town square. The only reason to cheer that is to limit the flow of information -- to exclude one narrative in favor of another, which is what the media does best. And that's part of the Big Lie. 

It's not about being inclusive at all. 

This society is already softer than a tube sock filled with onion dip. It's about excluding people whose opinions counter yours. If they can control language, they can control thoughts, then they won't have to spend as much time indoctrinating your kids. 

Besides, who is asking you to change problematic words? It's always one side, and I could bet you it's no impartial source. It's likely someone no one can stand. And can you imagine how insufferable a person would have to be to get offended by these words? I'd rather marry Amber Heard. 

We criticize China for their social credit system, but we're getting there, too. How long before your bank rejects a loan because you were spotted at a Trump rally? 

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So, yeah, Big Brother is us. I don't think Orwell saw that coming. Or maybe he did. I never finished the book. Yeah, I didn't even read it. Got the cliff notes. But it's weird how all of this wokeness only bubbles up from the same places, academia, then tech, the media, they invent it, spread it and use it to destroy freedom. And they all agree because it's not just words, it's power to control the spigot so stories like Hunter's laptop disappear. 

No wonder they flipped out over Elon Musk and his giant bag of money. He realized the only way to stop this looming Big Brother -- sorry Big Sister -- is to suffocate her with cash. By the way, I almost died that way when I was stripping. His goal to protect, not his speech or your speech, but all speech. And we should always be wary of people frightened by that. It means their ideas are bad and they'd rather shield them and label competing thoughts disinformation. Isn't that right, Mr. Obama? So good for Musk if he buys Twitter. He's just wrestled away the drug that fuels most of our media, and he may in fact save the town square and not just for humankind, but mankind too. 

This article was adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the April 25, 2022 edition of "Gutfeld!"