GREG GUTFELD: Democracy lives to fight another day

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Gutfeld: Democracy did not die

'Gutfeld!' panelists weigh in on the midterm election results and its implications for the Republican and Democratic parties.

Oh, man. What a happy Wednesday, everybody. Here we are, well, contrary to what the Dems predicted, we are still here on two different planets. But we're still here. But democracy did not die. But then again, neither did stupidity, that ---- immortal. Just like Madonna's face. But if you're ever wondering how things will go politically, it's often like Joe Biden trying to get back inside the White House. You never know where you're going to end up. 

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It appears the red tsunami may be more like Gramps peeing with an enlarged prostate. A very weak stream. Yeah, you probably didn't need that part. The obvious hope was that this would be a blowout, but instead it was a mixed bag. But what's so ironic is that in states like Michigan, Pennsylvania, New York, where Democrats won, it's actually Democrats that are going to suffer the most. They voted for their own punishment. True, it sucks for me living in New York, but once the kids are all grown up, I am so out of here. Kids are what I call my quads, they're beautiful. 

Republican New York gubernatorial candidate Lee Zeldin and incumbent Democratic Gov. Kathy Hochul. (Getty Images)

But maybe it was about abortion. The Supreme Court gave young liberal women the motivation for your typical middle class, college educated woman stuff like inflation and crime, that seems like other people's problems. Most people don't think they're going to get murdered until they are. But abortion, they always want that option open, even if you think that's murder too. Thank God fetuses can't vote. But step back and you'll see something obvious. Everyone got something that they wanted, and everyone left last night a little disappointed, that's democracy. And also how I describe a night hot-tubbing with Larry Kudlow. But there is good news for people who still crave a good balance of power. Because like every ex-wife, the Republicans are poised to take the House. Not by a huge margin, but face it, that's better than not taking the House. A win is still a win, blowout or no blowout. 

It's like a football team who is a 4-TD favorite but only wins by a field goal. It's disappointing, but it's still a win. Fact is, you get a Super Bowl ring if you win big or just barely or if you divorce Tom Brady. She's going to come home and find me wearing one of those rings. 

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But I'm bummed to have a Democratic governor in New York. I was kind of hoping to make it through 2023 without getting shot in the neck by a naked homeless man shouting show tunes. It's true, Alec Baldwin still lives in New York. But even losing, Lee Zeldin is a hero. He put crime front and center and that flipped several House seats. Thanks to Zeldin, every single New York State county shifted, right. He got within 5% of winning. Cuomo won last time by 25%. So be happy as long as you have the House, to check the crazies, that's gold. Even by a single vote, you still need the House to investigate Hunter, to hold the purse strings and to one day approve of National Greg Gutfeld Day, which is happening.

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy of Calif., speaks at an event early Wednesday morning, Nov. 9, 2022, in Washington.  ((AP Photo/Alex Brandon))

But I'm pleased that the DeSantis crushed it. He's looking like the future of the party while New York is looking like the end of Planet of the Apes. Beto lost, that's two words that seem to always go together. Just like, and so did Stacey Abrams, she got shellacked. I should've let up with this. She got shellacked like an antique desk, which is nice payback for ginning up a racial hysteria that drove millions of dollars in businesses out of her state. But who knows? Maybe she's finally in Georgia's rearview mirror, it's a wide angle. Now, both Beto and Stacey are free to do something other than run for office, like maybe work. Beto, I hear the Gap in Waco is looking for people to fold sweaters. And Stacey, the Falcons still need an offensive tackle. But you know what? That won't happen. That won't happen. They have MSNBC contributor written all over them in crayon and whipped cream respectively. 

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Republican candidate Monica De La Cruz doesn’t believe Democrats and their allies in the mainstream media understand the Hispanic community in South Texas. ( National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC))

Republicans made inroads among the Hispanic population, and they flipped more seats in New York than a janitor in a bus station bathroom. Trump's midterm bets didn't pay out, although J.D. Vance won handily. And what's that mean for Trump? Well, the media screams that it's proof his time has come and gone. He gets blamed for everything, although it's the press who can't stop talking about him. Fetterman, looks like he won. Further proof that the Dems will vote for a glass of water, even a half empty one. He lied that his brain worked, but in his defense, his brain wasn't working at the time. But we know in the world of team sport politics, fitness is irrelevant. Fetterman learned that from Joe. All you got to do is hide, then win. And later we'll just pick up a lot of stain remover.

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But all in all, as the results keep trickling in, remember that unlike what the Dems had threatened, life goes on just like inflation, Democracy isn't transitory and it lives to fight another day. Which is good. I'd hate to see what Fetterman might wear at the funeral.