GREG GUTFELD: The CDC needs to do some serious soul-searching

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Gutfeld: The CDC needs a makeover

'Gutfeld!' panelists weigh in on a report claiming the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) needs a reset.

I love it. Let it faze over me. Let it wash over me. Oh, it feels so good. Sorry. It's Thursday, which means tomorrow's Friday and then the weekend. And my friends say I learned nothing at Berkeley. I love a good calendar. 

So the CDC needs a makeover worse than Joy Behar. CDC stands for the Centers for Disease Control, but what did it control, really, during the pandemic? Nothing. Instead, it became another bloated arm of the bureaucratic machine, a political entity making political pronouncements and protecting its political allies. 

So no surprise, during the pandemic, they were more of a crap show than a leaky fleet enema. So they need to change, and we're not talking a half-assed transition. I'm talking a 100% Bruce to Caitlyn makeover and a think tank agrees with me, saying the "CDC needs a full reset" because it no longer can be trusted to handle global pandemics. Hell, at this point, they can't be trusted to handle an outbreak of dandruff or athlete's foot. I wouldn't trust them to cure disco fever. And yet they call everything a health threat from racism to climate change.

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According to them, anything that they don't like could be a health risk. How convenient is that? I'm surprised they aren't demanding warning labels on Republicans, and yet they miss the things that are killing us by the millions. No wonder the obesity epidemic has gotten out of control. Oh, that picture must've showed up by accident, although somebody get them more oats. 

The Center for Strategic and International Studies or CSIS, states, "the CDC has entered a moment of peril... [And] has suffered a sharp decline in popular trust and confidence..." But wait, are we talking about the CDC or just about everything these days? That one line could apply to every major institution. Well, except for the "Gutfeld!" Institute for Awesome Quads and Abs. Yeah. You can still trust them. Good people and excellent whirlpool baths, lots of privacy, if you know what I mean. 

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (iStock)

But it's true, the CDC's handling of COVID really put it on the map, the same way JFK's assassination put Dealey Plaza on the map yeah it is a stretch. The report also suggests it needs to change how it collects data and be more flexible with its budget. Wow, that's brilliant. That's like saying Jeffrey Dahmer's problem was his choice of condiments. 

The report adds, "A CDC reset is a matter of national security. The leadership needs to prove its head is fully in the reform game. But true power to change lies at the White House," which means they want the CDC to move its headquarters from Atlanta to D.C., and why? So Joe Biden could screw it up from the comfort of his own Acorn Stairlift. A move to Washington only makes sense if you think carjacking is a great way to meet strangers. So while I agree that the CDC is as bad as the diseases it's meant to control, I'm not sure heading to the land of grift and senility is the right answer. So what is? Well, you need to bring someone in who's familiar with cleaning house. Yes, I mean, a woman.

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Terrible, but what you really need is someone who knows and appreciates science, has no desire for politics and has no problems dismissing layers of redundant, flabby bureaucracy. Essentially, we need to clone Elon Musk because he gets it. I mean, you run into this problem everywhere in government. It's an administrative bureaucracy where people fight for status rather than fight disease. 

And if you noticed, everything about health took a back seat to enhancing the experts media footprint. Being on TV was more important than fighting TB. Dr. Fauci was on the screen more than our ads for Relief Factor and nowhere near as good for you. The only health improved was the health of his ego. 

WASHINGTON, DC - DECEMBER 01: Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and the Chief Medical Advisor to the President, gives an update on the Omicron COVID-19 variant during the daily press briefing at the White House on December 01, 2021 in Washington, DC. The first case of the omicron variant in the United States has been confirmed today in California. ( (Photo by Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images))

So it's not just the pandemic mistakes, because we all made them. It's about why there were so many and so many by the experts. Why is that? Well, it's obvious, politics infected it as the CDC indulged the teachers unions and identity merchants rather than giving real health advice that could have saved lives. Suddenly, they were making sweeping pronouncements about every liberal cause. Everything became a health crisis, racism, the environment, gun control, and yet fentanyl slides right by them, just like COVID did. Just like obesity. Just like sugar.

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So, yeah, I think it's time for the CDC to do some serious soul-searching, if they have one, and maybe come up with a vaccine that fights politics.