Mom of twins bans her sister-in-law from the house for refusal to call daughters by their names

A mom of twins was right to ban her sister-in-law from her home after the woman refused to refer to the young children as individuals, Reddit users decided — and experts told Fox News Digital that twins need to have their individuality stressed. 

Redditor "FitStarAnise" asked others on the "Am I the A--hole" subreddit to weigh in on her dilemma in a post on Jan. 16, 2024, titled "AITA for banning my husband's sister from my house until she uses the names of my twins?"

In the post, FitStarAnise said she's a 38-year-old woman who is married with identical six-year-old twin daughters, Amy and Nina. As they live in the same town as most of her husband's family but have the biggest house, they often host the family's gatherings, FitStarAnise said.

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"My husband’s youngest sister Jane (31f) has been traveling for work ever since her early 20s," wrote FitStarAnise. But in 2022, she moved in with her fiancé, closer to the family, and now regularly attends family events.

"The only thing she never bothers to do is address my daughters by their names," wrote the Redditor to others on the site. 

A Reddit user was right to insist that her sister-in-law refer to the twins (not pictured) by their individual given names — and not as "the twins," said child experts as well as fellow Reddit users. (iStock)

Instead of calling her children by their first names, "Jane always insists on calling the girls ‘the twins’ and makes no effort to distinguish them," said FitStarAnise. 

"I understand when people refer to them as ‘the twins,’ but I think it is important that their individuality is respected," FitStarAnise also said.  

She continued, "I always tell family and friends that now that they are 6 years old, it is important for them to have their own identity, and, if possible, please treat them as individual rather than [as] a pair or a unit."

Amy and Nina "have different interests and hair/dressing styles, so it is not hard to tell them apart," FitStarAnise added. 

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She also wrote that she'd asked Jane "many times" to refer to the girls as individuals, "like her other nieces and nephews. Jane would say ‘OK’ and then keep doing the same thing," she said.

While this was irritating to FitStarAnise, Jane's behavior during Christmas prompted FitStarAnise to ban her from her house until further notice.

"Last Christmas, Amy made paper cranes and Nina painted flower pictures as their Christmas gifts to everyone in the family," said FitStarAnise. "They signed their names and individually handed the gift to everyone." 

A family member's refusal to call the twins by their individual names caused problems at Christmas among other family members. She would ony refer to them as "the twins."  (iStock)

When Jane's fiancé, who joined the gathering later, asked where the gifts came from, Jane replied, "Oh, one of the twins gave it to me for Christmas. The other twin drew some flowers."

Wrote FitStarAnise, "I felt that this was a disrespect as my girls put a lot of effort into the gifts and deserve to have their private dedication recognized."

She confronted Jane about this after everyone left, she detailed in her post — and requested that her daughters be referred to by their names, not as "the twins." 

"She said my girls would be known as the twins whether I like it or not."

"Jane said that she won’t bother, as my girls are too young," FitStarAnise reported. "So I told her she is banned from my house until she learns how to address my girls by their names."

Her sister-in-law, she said, "just stomped off" — but her husband was on her side in the situation. 

Later, FitStarAnise informed her mother-in-law that Jane was no longer welcome at her house, and explained why. 

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"Jane called me a few hours ago, calling me [an] AH for making a big deal out of something insignificant," wrote FitStarAnise on Reddit. 

"She said my girls would be known as the twins whether I like it or not and once they get older, people will recognize them as individuals, but not now when they’re young and 'just another couple of girls.'" 

Jane insisted that she be allowed at FitStarAnise's home for future family events, and that FitStarAnise should "let it go."

Many Reddit users, including the parents of twins and those who are twins themselves, praised the mom for sticking up for her daughters' individuality.  (iStock)

"AITA?" asked FitStarAnise. 

Fox News Digital reached out to FitStarAnise for further updates. 

Two experts who spoke to Fox News Digital about the family drama said that it is important to stress individuality when raising twins or other multiples. 

California-based child development expert Dr. Jenny Woo, founder and CEO of Mind Brain Emotion and mother of a set of twins, told Fox News Digital that while it is common for people to refer to twins as a unit, this should be discouraged.

"Be sure to do so in a way that celebrates their differences instead of making comparisons."

A twin parent should "be consistent about saying each of your children’s names and attach unique interests and personalities to help others understand and remember," she said. 

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Additionally, a parent of twins should "share stories or anecdotes that highlight the differences between your two children," as well as "point out differences in personality, preferences, and behaviors."

She added, "Be sure to do so in a way that celebrates their differences instead of making comparisons."

Depending on the age of the twins, the children can be encouraged to speak up for themselves, said Woo.

Referring to twins as "the twins" rather than their individual names can "be incredibly damaging to one's personal development," a licensed professional clinical counselor told Fox News Digital.  (iStock)

"They can learn to express their individuality and educate others about their unique identities," she added. 

Courtney Morgan, a Kentucky-based licensed professional clinical counselor, offered similar advice. 

"Sibling dynamics can be complicated as they are — and being a twin adds another level to this," she told Fox News Digital.

"My family never referring to me as my own person was the main part of why I struggled."

Being referred to as part of a group, rather than as an individual, may negatively impact the development of a person, she added. 

"It can be incredibly damaging to one’s personal development to lump them together with another person," said Morgan. 

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Reddit users also sided with FitStarAnise, the mom of twins who shared her story. 

On the AITA subreddit, people can reply to posts and indicate the poster is "NTA" ("Not the A--hole"), "YTA" ("You're the A--hole"), "NAH" ("No A--holes Here") or "ESH" ("Everyone Sucks Here").

Users can "upvote" comments they find helpful, and "downvote" those they do not.

One Reddit user (not pictured) said that her daughters thanked her later for emphasizing their individuality while they were growing up.  (iStock)

Most of the more than 1,600 replies to the post were in support of FitStarAnise, including comments from many people who said they were twins themselves.

"As the mother of identical twin girls (who are now adults), I was very intentional about clearly treating them as individuals while still enjoying the uniqueness of being twins," said Reddit user "MommaGrammy" in the top-upvoted comment. 

"Creating an environment where they are treated as two separate humans, not a unit, is incredibly important," she said. She added that her daughters "have commented more than once how much they appreciated this growing up."

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Said user "xEnraptureX," "As someone who is a twin and was constantly referred to as ‘the twins’ growing up, NTA." 

This user continued, "I had so much trouble with finding my own identity when I finished high school, especially. My family never referring to me as my own person was the main part of why I struggled with this."

Said xEnraptureX, "SIL refusing to even use their names can very much make the girls feel they need to have a shared identity through their life. The sooner you nip this, the better."

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