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Former "Bachelorette" star Kaitlyn Bristowe is opening up about a dark time in her life when she struggled with addiction.
The 34-year-old kicked off her new YouTube podcast titled "Nine to Wine" this week, and in the first episode, the former ABC contestant revealed she suffered from depression in her twenties after moving to Germany to live with a boyfriend.
"When I say I lost myself, that is an understatement," Bristowe reflected. "I think I had out-of-body experiences in Germany where I was a child and I was screaming and kicking on the floor, bawling my eyes out. It was like I was looking down at myself, going, 'Why are you behaving this way? This is not who you are. Get up off the floor,' and I couldn't. I was just a shell of myself."
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Bristowe said she thought her ex "was the one" until he, too, pointed out the severity of her mental health issues at the time.
"It was not going anywhere good. We ended it and it was very abrupt," Bristowe said, recalling that her ex had informed her, "You are not OK."
At 27, Bristowe moved back home with her mother and stepdad. With a broken heart and "zero" motivation or career, she sought help from a doctor, who placed her on anti-depressants and a prescription of Valium.
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Kaitlyn Bristowe and Jason Tartick arrive to the 2019 E! People's Choice Awards held at the Barker Hangar on Nov. 10, 2019. (Getty)
"I'm a big believer in medication, always up to your doctor and you, but I believe in it. Valium I had never known really what that was or what that would do to me," she continued. "It made me numb. I didn't feel anything. I got to sleep. I got to not feel my feelings."
Bristowe revealed she was just "about 93 pounds" when her loved ones began fearing for her. Stuck in this state, Bristowe one day realized she was "sick of being numb" and vowed to break the cycle.
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"I wanted to feel feelings again. I wanted to go back to Vancouver and get a job and start over and meet people and get out. So I did," she said.
The Canada native began working in the restaurant industry ahead of her casting on Chris Soules' Season 19 of "The Bachelor."
Today, the former reality star lives in Nashville, Tenn. and is dating Bachelor franchise contestant Jason Tartick. In hindsight, she wishes her 27-year-old self knew then what she knows now.
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"I always think if I could go back to my 27-year-old self and talk to her I would say, 'You can't let anyone be responsible for your own happiness. That is up to you.' Now I can say that because I am in a loving fulfilling happy relationship."
Bristowe was previously engaged to "Bachelorette" star Shawn Booth for three years. The couple ended their relationship in 2018 before she moved on with Tartick months later.
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