President Biden’s first full week in review

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President Biden’s first full week in review

Gutfeld highlights President's first full week in office

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," January 30, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: You know, I really don't know what to talk about. I guess it's because we now have -- 

ANNOUNCER: The Trump-sized hole.  

GUTFELD: Yes. With Trump, we had all these fresh ideas, topped with magnetic energy and a slight hint of danger. It was exciting and new, like a sock full of nickels right in the face.  

But with Biden, he's just doing the same old thing: killing jobs, stoking racial division and pumping up a climate panic. Worse, he is making us listen to this.  

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)  

JOHN KERRY, U.S. SPECIAL PRESIDENTIAL ENVOY FOR CLIMATE: The fastest growing job in the United States before COVID was solar power technician. The same people can do those jobs. But the choice of doing the solar power one now is a better choice.  

And similarly, you have the second fastest growing job pre-COVID was wind turban technician.  

(END VIDEO CLIP)  

GUTFELD: Yes, because we didn't have enough old feeble detached white men roaming the White House in an open robe. Now we bring back alert, fresh from the underground pod where he spoons a tree root.  

I mean, say what you will about Trump, it was nice not listening to that for the last four years. And you want to talk white privilege? Kerry is the OG. His silver spoon has a silver spoon, and he owns a private jet, which apparently runs on solar power generated by windmills out of a unicorn's ass. I bet they needed to lube a slip and slide to get that stack of wood down the plane stairs.  

But with Joe, it's all about ringing in the new with the really old, blasts from the past, not just incompetent idiots, but lousy ideas, too.  

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)  

REP. NANCY PELOSI (D-CA): Again, again, we are preparing for the impeachment while we have impeached the President, but we're preparing for the case.  

REP. JAMIE RASKIN (D-MD): The President shall be removed from office on impeachment for and conviction of treason, bribery or other high crimes and misdemeanors.  

(END VIDEO CLIP)  

GUTFELD: He's not in the office, you bozo. But finally we get the sequel, even though the first one flopped. So now they're trying to remove someone from office who already left the office. Think about it. It's like heckling the Houston Oilers. In case you've noticed, they're gone, and you look stupid. And they do this knowing that it's not going to happen. It hinders the government from tackling the pandemic just like it did before and it's the opposite of unifying.  

The Corporate Media is even fighting to prevent a Trump library. It's easier, I guess, just to hide the books than to burn them. Trump derangement syndrome is now on autopilot. Trump is not even needed for it to work. Who needs him when they've got you?  

Yes, they aren't just impeaching Trump, they are impeaching you, too. Of course, they say impeachment is all about incendiary language, the kind they invented, because we want to play this game, we could take any violence from the summer riots to the Scalise shooting and trace it back to a Democrat's mouth.  

A clever Twitter chap edited Maxine Waters' comments about harassing Trump officials and applied it to Governor Cuomo's staffers and Democrats called it an incitement to violence. They didn't say that when the exact same language targeted Trumpers.  

Meanwhile, who is starting to sound really extreme? As Biden signs Executive Actions like they are high school yearbooks, it is funny how old Joe Biden is, yet he operates like an 18-year-old Gender Studies major. He is missing the one thing that comes standard with old people, something called wisdom.  

Even "The New York Times" is freaking out telling Joe to calm down. Apparently, their editors only like their stupid ideas when they aren't acted on. Bottom line, Biden lied about a lot of things, but mostly lied about himself and he got help from that.  

America was told they were electing a centrist, a middle of the road guy who will bring America back where we can all get along. It's funny, they created the division then sold us a remedy to heal it.  

Biden is not a Trojan horse. He's a Trojan Ark, a hollowed out vessel, and inside is every single left-wing fantasy. What a contrast to Trump. When he got elected, he told you what he was going to do when he tried to do it.  

Joe is the opposite. To win, he had to deceive. Pretending to be Gramps, when he's really just Greta. And the media help this grit saying Joe speaks for the average Joe. Meanwhile, you know where Trump would stand when it comes to this GameStop story. It wouldn't be with Wall Street. It would be with the little guy who beat them at their own game because that's Trump.  

So where's Joe on that? Well, he calls for unity as he pushes Marxist dogma disguised as racial justice. He plagiarizes the Green New Deal, a trillion dollar boondoggle that will pulverize our economy. He talks about getting people back to work as he lays them off.  

So yes, they beautifully casted Joe Biden as Mr. Rogers, but now we're dealing with Freddy Krueger on Geritol.  

ANNOUNCER: Period.  

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. You don't want to see his headshot, former Navy SEAL, Rob O'Neill.  

He is an entertaining comic and his laughter is his tonic -- how corny. Writer and comedian, Joe DeVito.  

She's got a knack for talking smack. Host of "Sincerely Kat" on FOX Nation, Kat Timpf.  

And he's not in the NFL, but he's our New York giant, my massive sidekick and host of "Nuff Said" on FOX Nation, Tyrus.  

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: You're big.  

GUTFELD: Every intro of him being large.  

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes. Where have you been, kid?  

GUTFELD: Yes and you're sassy.  

TIMPF: Yes.  

GUTFELD: And Rob killed bin Laden and Joe is a comedian. Every one of the intros follows that direct line for eternity because I lack the energy.  

MURDOCH: It's awesome that you guys are all talked about for your skill set and I'm for my size.  

ROB O'NEILL, RETIRED NAVY SEAL: There's got to be some sort of ism in there.  

MURDOCH: Yes. Somewhere.  

GUTFELD: Size-ism. It's size-ism.  

MURDOCH: Yes, but I understand why if I -- you know, if I do this all the time. I'm --  

GUTFELD: All right enough of making fun of my -- me. Rob, what do you think of Biden so far? I haven't talked to you since the election.  

O'NEILL: Yes, it's been a while. I've been locked in. It kind of reminds me of the closet I was locked in because I have that picture up there with you with the unicorn with abs. It's just -- it is odd watching it because you remember when President Trump would sign an Executive Order, he'd hold it up. And those are some pretty funny memes because they'd have different stuff.  

I don't even think there's any writing on this paper. Like they just hand it to him. He's like, you know, Class of '21. It's almost like you can hear the puppet masters behind him. I wish I was joking. I'm wondering who's writing these executive orders?  

GUTFELD: Oh, of course. Of course it is -- and I don't even think it's Kamala Harris. I think it's somebody on Kamala Harris's staff who is like about 25 to 26 years old?  

O'NEILL: Well, the thing that I think bothers me is Joe Biden thinks Kamala Harris loves him because her head comes in the door every 30 minutes. She's just checking: are we done yet? Because I'm taking that chair and I'm taking this office.  

GUTFELD: Yes. Every time she hears like a loud noise, she thinks that's it.  

O'NEILL: That's the one. That's the big one.  

GUTFELD: That's the one. All right, Joe, what are your thoughts so far? We're already in our third week. Isn't it our third week? I think so. No, second week, I lost track of time.  

JOE DEVITO, WRITER AND COMEDIAN: Yes, I think most of those things he's been signing, they are just "Kick me" signs. Stick them on his own back.  

It's good to see John Kerry back.  

GUTFELD: I know.  

DEVITO: Flying in on his spaceship filled with panda blood. Lecture the rest of us on, oh, who knows what company could be the next Solyndra? America is going to power itself with piles of burning taxpayer money. Fantastic.  

You know, and they push these -- the problem with these alternative energy sources is they don't work and we should pursue them. But they're just not good enough yet. Oil is too cheap, you know, they talk about these turbines. I mean, for them it is great. It kills birds.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

DEVITO: And it kills jobs at the same time. So they're related with that. But this stuff, it just doesn't work.  

GUTFELD: Yes. And it's all based on like they have to exaggerate these climate claims in order to justify all of this investment and all the money they're taking from taxpayers.  

Yes, it's like floods are caused by manmade climate change, not true. Wildfires, no, that's a forestry management and zoning. But they can't say that because then you can't -- 

DEVITO: Well, I believe them about the floods.  

TIMPF: I was bullied in school because of manmade climate change. So watch what you say,  

GUTFELD: You know what, now I'm pro climate change.  

TIMPF: No, actually, it was good for me.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

TIMPF: But no, I think John Kerry, look, you've got to understand why he can't fly commercial though, right? Because it'd be very difficult for him going to an airport with all the fans, right? He would be like Justin Bieber who can ever get through there. But you know, he's got to get rid of the jet though. If emissions are that important to him, he's got to get rid of his own jet.  

We should just tell him, don't worry, John, you can learn to fly on solar panels, right? Like everybody else. But with the technology, I just wanted to say. I agree. It's not there yet. But the only way that it will ever get there is innovation and the way that we can have innovation is capitalism. Right?  

Not taxation regulation. That's not the way to do these things. It hinders these things. If you truly care about the environment, you've got to be a capitalist.  

GUTFELD: That's so true. It's green.  

O'NEILL: But it is so much easier too, to tell the 55-year-old dude who has been doing nothing but working on pipelines his entire life, hey, by the way, forget your mortgage, you're building solar panels now.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

O'NEILL: Do a different job.  

GUTFELD: And you have to move. You're going to have to move, and I think most of them are made cheaply in China. So you're going to have to learn your Mandarin, as well as learning how to build solar panels, and they are not even talking about how do you get rid of an old solar panel? It's like super hard, Tyrus.  

MURDOCH: Yes, I would imagine that you need a big guy to pick it up to carry it out the house. I've got that going for me if this doesn't work out.  

GUTFELD: Good, Tyrus.  

MURDOCH: You know, I really was trying to -- and the whole time I try to be center of the road, you know what I am saying, and I said, you know, that first hundred days, you know, I'd be super supportive. I lasted about six hours.  

So this is the Executive Office, but it is the Executive Order. You say he doesn't know what he is signing, we don't even know what he is signing.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

MURDOCH: There's no explanation. And I disagree, I think he's -- Ben Stiller comes out in the scrubs and says, we're going to increase arts and crafts for another four hours today. He keeps signing. My arms tired. Oh, you just lost your Pulitzer.  

TIMPF: That's a reference -- the first movie reference I've gotten on this show.  

MURDOCH: Yes.  

TIMPF: Finally. A happy feeling.  

MURDOCH: Because he is just signing away, and I guess Congress doesn't matter. We don't need to talk to you. So he's just got to do all this stuff, so guess what's going to happen? They're going to mess this up. This will be another one term and then when the Republican comes in or the Independent comes through, and they're just going to start executive ordering away.  

So the first hundred days, they need to change it to Executive Order sweepstakes, where they just -- you've got a hundred days, how many Executive Orders you could get in?  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

MURDOCH: Because that's all he's doing. It's frustrating.  

GUTFELD: It's like that. It's like that little game they play where they put somebody in a phone booth and they start swirling around dollar bills?  

MURDOCH: Yes.  

GUTFELD: That should be Executive Orders.  

MURDOCH: Because -- and I get it because according to AOC, what was it three years ago on this show we talked about we only had 12 years left?  

GUTFELD: Yes. On the planet. True.  

MURDOCH: So we have eight years left.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

MURDOCH: Is that --  

GUTFELD: Yes, that's still more than what Joe has. Oh, a terrible joke. A terrible joke. You know what --  

TIMPF: Like, I've been meaning to tell you, Greg.  

GUTFELD: I apologize for that joke already. By the way, I know we have to go. I feel with Trump a weird silence going on. It's like those minutes before the shark attacks on "Jaws." Like what is he doing? Where is he? Because it's like, I miss the sounds and it's just strange.  

O'NEILL: It is awkward without Twitter having him there because there's nothing to talk about. It's almost like -- now, the Spotify thing was a little much. I mean, I don't think his playlists matters that much, but having him off social media can -- it hurt all of us. We're all kind of censored looking for someone to hate now.  

MURDOCH: If you miss President Trump, go to CNN, they won't let it go.  

GUTFELD: Yes, I know.  

MURDOCH: Everything is about -- they will not let him go.  

GUTFELD: You need 50 stories to fill up one Trump story. You know, how they do the little graphs, the replacements, like how many ounces are in a pound? It's like 16 stories --  

TIMPF: A panel of 15 people saying un-presidential.  

GUTFELD: All right, up next, will a new COVID swab do the job? Wait until you see where they put it.  

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)  

GUTFELD: There's more dead hanging over his head. The New York Attorney General has released a preliminary report from an investigation into how the state's nursing homes responded during the pandemic, and it's not good for Andy.  

The number of deaths in New York nursing homes may be as much as 50 percent higher than what has been reported. And his directive to send COVID patients to nursing homes in the early days of the pandemic led to thousands of cases among elderly patients.  

A couple days before the report came out, Cuomo had the stones to say this.  

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)  

GOV. ANDREW CUOMO (D-NY): We were ambushed like no other state, Nicolle. And again, it was from Federal incompetence. They thought the virus was in China. It had left China, it had gone to Europe and it came here for three months before they ever knew.  

Incompetent government kills people. Incompetent government kills people.  

(END VIDEO CLIP)  

GUTFELD: Was that a confession? He didn't do much better after the report came out?  

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)  

CUOMO: Whether a person died in the hospital or died in a nursing home -- it's -- the people died.  

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)  

GUTFELD: Now that's leadership, and at least he's not pointing fingers.  

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)  

CUOMO: If you think there was a mistake, then go talk to the Federal government. It's not about pointing fingers of blame. It's that this became a political football.  

(END VIDEO CLIP)  

GUTFELD: So to recap, it's the Federal government's fault, but let's not blame people. Sorry, if Trump didn't sign that order, who did?  

Elsewhere. China is introducing a new method of testing for the coronavirus -- anal swabs. Seems some recovering patients get negative readings from nasal and throat tests, but samples tested from the lower region result in positive. I believe we have a picture of the anal swabs.  

Hey, wait, that's not it. Give me another? No, that's not it either. Okay, you win. A cheap shot, Joe, but a great shot no matter what. I have a feeling you have a lot to say about anal swabs.  

DEVITO: You know, you may have on the show that guy who shot bin Laden, but when it comes to butt jokes, this is probably my time to shine. Yes, you know, if you thought the mask was a pain in the ass. This is -- I wonder are they using the swabs that the Cuomo brothers played with? The giant ones that look like it's from "American Gladiator"? You're having the --  

I wonder -- I am starting to think that the Chinese Communist Party is just trolling us.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

DEVITO: At this point by saying what else can we --  

TIMPF: Imagine doing that at a drive-thru testing site?  

DEVITO: Exactly.  

GUTFELD: I happen to know of one downtown.  

DEVITO: Just a bunch of cars backing up.  

MURDOCH: With people hanging out the window.  

GUTFELD: Everybody is mooning just like they were in a high school bus.  

MURDOCH: Right, keep your masks on.  

DEVITO: No, here is a question. If you get the swab, I want to make sure that they're not doing the -- it's not the same swab as the nose swab because they can say nose first. Please, do the nose first.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

DEVITO: But now, when you talk about Cuomo, he really has some nerve to say the way they're counting these deaths is if they went to the hospital after, that's like saying, oh, we've got great results lowering car crash if they tally this because we don't count anyone who died in the emergency room or the ambulance.  

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.  

DEVITO: So, yes, that 9,000 is just people who are actually --  

GUTFELD: Try the gun control people using that argument with gunshots, it's like, oh, they die of gunshots. They died in in the hospital.  

TIMPF: I watch the show. I watch a "True Crime" show a few months ago, a guy shot his ex-girlfriend. She later died in the hospital. That was his defense.  

His defense was: I didn't kill her, the hospital did. And I was watching it --  

MURDOCH: Should have had insurance.  

TIMPF: I was watching it like, this is crazy. Why is he saying this? Apparently, like Cuomo was watching it. He was like, great idea.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

TIMPF: He's in prison because the logic doesn't really follow. But just to even be able to make a comparison between this crime show that I thought was one of the craziest things I saw on True Crime TV for this Governor that's controlled almost every aspect of my life for the past 10 months, it shouldn't be like that.  

GUTFELD: No, it shouldn't. Tyrus, is he finished? Or is it -- it doesn't matter because he's a Democrat, so he'll be fine.  

MURDOCH: I'm sitting with my hands like this for a reason. He's only just begun. You know, when all else fails, blame Trump. That's all you've got to do.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

MURDOCH: Like literally, every time I forget to do something in my house. Why don't you take trash out? Trump story. I was -- I couldn't get away from it. You understand. Sorry, I have to continue to work to see what his next move is going to be.  

You know, it wasn't so much that mistakes were made, and I think -- I think across the board, every reasonable adult in the room can understand that COVID threw a lot of things at us. But the problem is, is when we recognize mistakes made, the inability to own it.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

MURDOCH: And to fix it. Which means you're not interested in fixing it. You know, if I was responsible for my information, even one person, I would -- I would own that. And if that meant the end of my career because I made a bad call and a tough decision, then you have to accept that because you did what you would think was the best you could, but clearly, covering up. There was so much effort covering up and then people who spoke out were attacked and told once you focus on the weather and the forecast was of straight corruption.  

TIMPF: Janice Dean is also maybe the nicest humans that's ever lived.  

MURDOCH: But you attacked her.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

MURDOCH: Who's not there because she has had some political edge, she is mourning the loss of her family. And we saw who he really was. He got an Emmy for being the savior who cared about people.  

GUTFELD: That's the problem, the fawning press.  

MURDOCH: That's why Emmys always go to actors.  

GUTFELD: Yes. Nicely done.  

MURDOCH: Mic drop.  

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go. Sorry, I interrupted on that one. You know, Rob, and this wouldn't be a problem if the press hadn't fawned over him. If he hadn't won the Emmy, if he hadn't written a book while this was happening.  

O'NEILL: Yes, I think it started to feed his ego, too, because he's getting all this good stuff. And he goes out there and he sounds like a leader, but he's blaming the Federal government when the state government is shutting it all down and they are all following suit, and it becomes as everything else left and a right thing.  

If you don't mind though, I want to touch on the anal thing, because when I first saw that story, I was like, you were about to see 16 years of naval service fly into action on this one.  

GUTFELD: It's -- you know, if I'm going to get the nasal swab, I mean, if I'm going to get the angel swab, I better get a lollipop afterwards.  

O'NEILL: Two of them.  

GUTFELD: Two of them. Yes.  

TIMPF: Maybe before.  

GUTFELD: Before, yes. All right, up next. Brady plays another Super Bowl, and we debate who is the greatest. You won't want to miss this.  

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)  

JACKIE IBANEZ, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT: Good evening and live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Jackie Ibanez in New York.  

The Pentagon is pressing pause on a plan to provide the coronavirus vaccine to Guantanamo Bay detainees. Republicans criticized it because terror suspects including five alleged conspirators in the 9/11 attacks were among those to be vaccinated.  

House Minority Whip Steve Scalise calling it outrageous that terrorists might be vaccinated before vulnerable American seniors and veterans. So far no cases of the virus have been reported among the 40 prisoners at the detention center.  

Embattled Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene says she had a great call with former President Trump. The Georgia Republican tweeting that she is grateful for the President's support. Greene is facing calls for her resignation for embracing several conspiracy theories and controversial comments.  

I'm Jackie Ibanez. Now back to THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW. For all of your headlines, log on to http://foxnews.com.  

GUTFELD: Well, the big game look the same. Next week, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a football team face off against the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl 55. A number of COVID related changes are expected starting with attendance, which will be capped at 22,000 people. A third of those will be healthcare workers who get in free.  

And a number of famous brands like Budweiser, Pepsi and Coke won't buy ads this year due to the pandemic. Finally, finally, Buccaneers' quarterback Tom Brady is hoping to break his own record for most Super Bowl wins, and at age 43, he also stands to set the record for oldest Super Bowl winning quarterback.  

People act like Tom is the greatest of all time. But when you really look at the facts, it just doesn't hold up.  

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)  

ANNOUNCER: It's the tail of the tape. Greg Gutfeld versus Tom Brady. Who is the more successful graduate of Serra High School in San Mateo, California? Let's look at the numbers.  

Gutfeld, five "New York Times" bestsellers. Brady, one. Gutfeld, three wildly successful TV shows. Brady, none. Gutfeld, no Super Bowl losses, Brady, three Super Bowl losses. Gutfeld, stands six foot five, is muscular and handsome. Brady stands only six foot four is doughy and ugly. Gutfeld played eight seasons of youth soccer; Brady, no documented soccer experience.  

Gutfeld in 2000 was editor-in-chief of "Stuff" Magazine; Brady in 2000 was drafted in the sixth round, but 199th pick. What a loser. And finally Brady is known for not shaking hands after a loss. Gutfeld, shakes hands with all human beings, regardless of age, race, sex or political affiliation. This has been the tale of the tape: Gutfeld versus Brady.  

(END VIDEO CLIP)  

GUTFELD: Wow. I think it's a clear, clear conclusion there, Tyrus, what do you -- where do you stand on this ongoing debate that has taken the nation by storm? It's taken the nation by storm, Tyrus.  

MURDOCH: You know, there's days when you come into work and you think you're prepared and you've seen everything and then you go and lay some [bleep] like this one. I almost believed it. But Jimmy was like, well, that's true. He never won a Super Bowl [bleep]. As amazing as you are, it comes down to just one thing.  

GUTFELD: What?  

MURDOCH: You're not the GOAT. And it's not -- you know, and this is where I just have got to hit you with just some hard facts.  

GUTFELD: Okay.  

MURDOCH: A goat is a majestic animal.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

MURDOCH: Smart, tough, large. Above small.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

MURDOCH: You're more of a stout, like a weasel, ermine, let's be polite. No, you know what? Not an outdoorsman. One of the most majestic, intelligent, smart, clever, little monsters on the planet. The only thing holding him back from dominating the entire Animal Kingdom is he is small. Small.  

They are fashionably cute in the summer, they're red and white. In the winter, they are white with a black tail. So you know, he doesn't. He was all white. He would be white privileged. But Greg is smart enough to pull a little black in the end of it, so everyone feels welcome.  

So while your accomplishments are amazing.  

GUTFELD: Thank you.  

MURDOCH: You're just small.  

GUTFELD: Here's what gets me, Kat.  

TIMPF: Yes.  

GUTFELD: Here is what gets me, okay. They've named a football field or a stadium or something like that at my high school after Tom Brady. I should at least get a cafeteria.  

MURDOCH: A library.  

GUTFELD: No, I want a bathroom. I want a bathroom.  

MURDOCH: Nurse's office.  

TIMPF: Look, as I was watching that, I was mentally comparing myself to his wife, Gisele, and was like, okay, so she is beautiful. One of the richest supermodels of all time. She's been on thousands -- over a thousand magazine covers also like charitable work with Doctors without Borders. But is she funny? Is she -- how fun is she to drink with? Because I am very fun to drink with. You can ask Rob.  

O'NEILL: It's very true.  

TIMPF: Was she second loudest in her high school senior class? I don't think so. So I like what you're doing and I agree.  

GUTFELD: Okay. Rob, do you have any -- do you have any feelings about the Super Bowl?  

O'NEILL: Yes. No, I really like it because watching Tom Brady do what he has done is just incredible. And our friends at Barstool Sports made a point that with his win last week, Tom Brady tied Drew Brees and Aaron Rodgers for NFC Championship wins, which is very cool to think about.  

I think he has been on something like one third of all Super Bowls. It's very, very cool. And no, I think, it's great and I love it, at his age because I'm a little bit older than him, I love that like a third of the fans of the Super Bowl, healthcare, a third are fans and then another third are in Tom Brady's retirement home.  

GUTFELD: There you go.  

O'NEILL: So this is pretty diverse crowd.  

GUTFELD: There you go. But still, you know, he won all of these Super Bowls, but you killed bin Laden. That's a big deal.  

O'NEILL: If you're going to ask me if I trade spots with him though?  

GUTFELD: Would you trade spots?  

TIMPF: Second loudest.  

O'NEILL: A thousand percent. I'd love to be chubby and throw the ball 70 yards. I'm just chubby.  

MURDOCH: Tom Brady is not chubby. First of all, Tom Brady is dope. He left the Patriots, it was like a divorce. You know, and everyone always wondered how dad is going to be when he leaves home. Dad is in Florida doing great. But I can't wait to go visit dad in Florida. Who cares what Mom Belichick says right now? Dad is living his life.  

O'NEILL: That was the question forever, too. What's the secret sauce here is that Belichick wasn't Brady. I think you have an answer.  

MURDOCH: Hello, Brady.  

GUTFELD: Secret sauce, Joe. I don't even know what that transition was meant to mean, but --  

TIMPF: Anything you want.  

GUTFELD: Anything you want. Care to talk about the Super Bowl or the matchup between Brady and myself?  

DEVITO: Well, yes, I think it's pretty impressive to have such talent come out of one school like that. I mean, I looked up the two most famous people who have come out of my high school are me and my sister. It doesn't say much for New Milford High School, the two performing DeVito's, the flying DeVito kids.  

My sister was a Broadway actress, so it's pretty much -- it is a very lame town is what I'm saying.  

MURDOCH: So is your sister.  

DEVITO: I'm number two.  

TIMPF: Yes, don't forget. That's you and your sister.  

MURDOCH: There's both of us. You've got great parents.  

DEVITO: Here is what I love about Tom Brady is that people still try to talk trash about him. And in the past 20 Super Bowls, je was in half of them.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

DEVITO: And I just think it's great. You know, it is funny. Maybe we should all wear Uggs. Maybe we should all have a diet where oh, he had a walnut on almond day. We need to put you in a hyperbaric chamber. But like Kat said, even on his worst day, he still comes home and he cries upon the bosom of a supermodel. He's doing much better than any of us ever will.  

TIMPF: Is she funny?  

MURDOCH: Which means he's constantly ignored.  

GUTFELD: Yes. I don't know. She once dated Leo DiCaprio. That's all I'm saying. Okay, up next, PETA makes new demands that you won't believe, or maybe you will.  

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)  

GUTFELD: Does your pheasant find your words unpleasant? PETA thinks so. This week, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals tweeted a list of terms we should stop saying in order to prevent speciesism. Specifically the use of animal names as insults like calling someone a chicken or a rat according to PETA, quote, "Calling someone an animal as an insult reinforces the myth that -- it's a myth -- that humans are superior to other animals and justified in violating them." But not to worry, PETA also provided a list of approved alternatives. Instead of chicken, just say coward. Or instead of calling someone a pig. Just say you're a bloated piece of crap, Tyler, and I can't stand the sight of your ugly face, I want my sweatshirt back.  

That got personal. The tweet was widely mocked on social media, oh dear, but I wonder how the kids will react.  

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]  

GUTFELD: What a filthy mouth. Oh, my goodness. Glad we bleeped that. I heard it raw at the start. It was absolutely disgusting, Kat. All right, you could argue cat that PETA is really just a content supply company for shows like ours.  

TIMPF: Absolutely. God bless them. They could do something to make a difference, but I'm glad they don't. This is so much fun. I do think that I am superior to a chicken.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

TIMPF: By the way.  

GUTFELD: Barely.  

TIMPF: Well, no, like, on the whole, like I'm just as annoying. But like, I also sometimes can add something to the world, conversation-wise. But yes, you're right like that. They can't possibly think they're changing hearts and minds with a tweet like this. They just -- they're like the best trolls ever actually. Maybe none of them are even vegan.  

GUTFELD: Yes. I always wondered what would happen if the Right to Lifers had adopted the PETA style of protest? How long that would last? Because PETA gets a free ride because it's animals, so they could throw paint on you or do whatever. But like if the Right to Lifers ever did tweets like this, I don't think it would go over as well.  

DEVITO: No, no, no.  

GUTFELD: I don't even know it's a fair comparison.  

DEVITO: I'm starting to think PETA is a false flag designed to get people to eat meat just by -- because first of all, no offense to chickens and rats, both delicious in their own right. But I don't think -- I think animals are even getting embarrassed. If they had opposable thumbs, they would be tweeting this stuff out, making fun of it.  

And the way they said humans like we are under this impression that we're superior. I mean, come on. Now, people always talk about how smart dolphins are. I'm not that bright. You don't see me caught in a tuna net. I can figure that out.  

MURDOCH: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. That's not fair. It was added to their environment. They weren't --  

TIMPF: Wish I could say the same.  

DEVITO: Well, figure it out. Come on.  

GUTFELD: Kat has been --  

TIMPF: I could say the same. Never going there again.  

GUTFELD: I will say this, you did give me an incredible idea, Animal Twitter. That is a great idea. Animal Twitter.  

MURDOCH: Oh, yes. Let's -- I'll take investment checks for that.  

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Exactly.  

MURDOCH: And we wait.  

DEVITO: They are already called tweets. The birds are at it.  

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. The birds --  

MURDOCH: Oh, they've got to change that. It's disrespectful to the birds.  

GUTFELD: You're absolutely right.  

MURDOCH: Yes. I mean, I don't want that --  

GUTFELD: You know what I don't like -- I don't like, Rob, is when people give human names to animals, like Carl.  

TIMPF: My dog? Don't attack my dog.  

MURDOCH: I agree.  

O'NEILL: I just can't get over the chickens and rats equally delicious because nothing goes better with mashed potatoes than a big bucket of RFC - -  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

O'NEILL:  Or KFR. What do you know of what I am saying? No, it's hard to take them seriously. I mean, it is Twitter and there are trolls. And you know, when was the last time anybody got in trouble over something they tweeted?  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

O'NEILL: But they think that it's -- I mean, the ways that we kill a lot of animals is pretty humane. If you don't believe me, go on one of those nature's gnarly type websites and like search Komodo dragon.  

GUTFELD: Oh yes.  

O'NEILL: That's brutal.  

O'NEILL: We were talking about that.  

MURDOCH: They bite you and you just die to death.  

GUTFELD: Die to death.  

MURDOCH: Dying and waking up because the poison --  

O'NEILL: Yes, the --  

MURDOCH: And then you're alive paralyzed as they chew on you for about a month.  

GUTFELD: I just read something about a spider that crawls into an animal and lets the animal live, so it feeds off the animal while the animals die.  

O'NEILL: They call that -- they call it marriage.  

GUTFELD: You've only been married for three years. You can't make that joke yet.  

O'NEILL: I was talking about my first one.  

GUTFELD: The first one. May God rest her soul.  

MURDOCH: Actually a wasp, but we can have the spider, Greg. Not to -- this is why you're not the goat. It's a wasp that does it to the spider. It lays an egg and then eats it alive. It's actually very --  

GUTFELD: It gets --  

MURDOCH: It is a great deal of the insect world to lay babies in your brains and let you go about your day, because that way your meat stays fresh so the babies --  

GUTFELD: But the whole thing it really is about consciousness. It's like an animal has consciousness and you're depriving it. That's a problem. I understand that.  

MURDOCH: I get it. But I think we're missing one huge point here. Last time I checked, animals don't speak English or any of our dialects, so I can call a pig, I don't know, hey, [bleep], the baby's going to be like --  

GUTFELD: It's sounding like that baby.  

MURDOCH: Nothing. I thought it was my child for a minute, I might have to get a DNA test after the show. That's kind of pattern for all my kids. That's usually their first word, but I mean it's ridiculous.  

How many times you've been pulled aside by your dog going hey, you know that, hey, come here boy stuff.  

TIMPF: Not the dog, but a cat.  

MURDOCH: Not feeling it, bro. Don't call me boy. I'm a canine. Have some respect.  

O'NEILL: I heard they're doing that DNA test the same way they are testing for coronavirus now.  

MURDOCH: Well, then I guess we just won't know.  

O'NEILL: Yes, I knew you would get a tighter belt.  

MURDOCH: Yes.  

GUTFELD: All right. All right. All right. There's a fun topic, though, interesting. That's why we love PETA. PETA makes it easier to come up with a show outline. A PETA press release that goes into D-block. All right, up next. Oh, my favorite story of the week.  

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)  

GUTFELD: Will she one day laugh over her grizzly gaffe? A woman in Mexico on the left -- I don't know why I said on the left. She was reportedly arrested for stabbing her husband after finding photos on his phone of what she thought were pictures of him having sex with another woman. It turns out the pictures were actually of her younger self taken years earlier when they were dating.  

Apparently, she didn't recognize herself because she was thinner and had makeup on. The husband says she attacked him without first asking about the photos before he eventually wrestled the knife from her. He is expected to recover. You know who might not recover? This guy.  

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]  

GUTFELD: That is an oldie but a goodie. I think I've used that a number of times. All right, Kat, I have to go to you first because this is, I guess technically a woman story.  

TIMPF: Yes.  

GUTFELD: What -- go ahead, I don't even have a question.  

TIMPF: I just want to point out that this never would have happened if they didn't have sex before they were married. Right? Fornicating may seem fun. You may think you got away with it, the next thing you know you're getting stabbed by your wife.  

I'm just going to go out on a limb here, right? I don't know these people, but I'm just going to venture to guess that there were probably other additional problems in this relationship.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

TIMPF: Beyond this discovery, it probably wasn't the most stable, you know, foundation if you're going to stab -- you know, stabbing is never the first step.  

GUTFELD: You're like the new Dr. Joyce Brothers.  

TIMPF: I don't know who that is.  

GUTFELD: You know, I am old. Dr. Joyce Brothers was like the old Kat Timpf.  

TIMPF: That I like.  

GUTFELD: I don't even know what that means. You know, Joe, I think this guy might be a genius in that he cleverly tricked his wife by saying this hotter young woman is actually her if this is indeed true. I don't know.  

DEVITO: What a great way to find out you're no longer sexually attractive.  

GUTFELD: Yes, that's the other point.  

DEVITO: Yes. I want to know what was going through his mind because they said that the reason it was on his phone was because he found the images and transferred them, which seems like an odd way to spend your time to look at your phone now and think, oh, I remember when we were both [bleep].  

TIMPF: Pandemic  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

DEVITO: So yes, I think I think Kat is right that the occasional stabbing is probably the least difficult part of it right now.  

GUTFELD: I don't know, man. You know, Tyrus --  

MURDOCH: I am losing my mind here. She stabbed him.  

GUTFELD: I know.  

MURDOCH: Who gives a blue damn what the reason was for?  

GUTFELD: That's true.  

TIMPF: She should not have -- 

MURDOCH: That's so sexist.  

TIMPF: She should not have done that.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

MURDOCH: Here is the -- Tyrus finds old picture of wife, stabs her and finds out it is himself. Oh, we laughed in the hospital. It was great. What? I'm going to jail for attempted murder. Why? It was an accident. I saw a pic -- no guy can get away with that.  

TIMPF: Well, she is also in jail.  

MURDOCH: So they are literally -- yes, as she should be. But she is really getting sympathy. Who cares what it was.  

Here's another thing, ladies stop putting filters on, on the social media and doing the angled selfies because you've done it so much that when you see an old picture of yourself. You don't even recognize yourself anymore because of that fake person on social media is who you think you really look like.  

And when you're married for a long time and deprived, the old photos of when you first met is all you've got, bro. It's literally -- the funny thing about marriage takes away everything a man's ever going to have ever going to have and everything he is going to be.  

GUTFELD: That's not funny at all.  

TIMPF: I am excited.  

GUTFELD: It's not funny. You know, she will be married soon.  

TIMPF: Can't wait.  

GUTFELD: Still a lot to look forward to. All right, Rob, finish this off. Literally finish this off if you have a gun.  

MURDOCH: I'm ready.  

O'NEILL: I'm just concerned with a joke that I made about marriage previously, there will be a headline about this tomorrow about me and all it will say is woman stabs man, and is justified. But no, it's one of those things, too. It's like that old joke where a woman is upstairs and yells down, honey, do you get a pain in your chest like someone is stabbing a voodoo doll? And he goes, no. And she goes, how about now? Yes. So stab, stab me.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

DEVITO: Rob, what placemat do you get your material? You better go to a better quality diner?  

O'NEILL: I'm pretty sure --  

GUTFELD: It was a sign -- it was a job application.  

DEVITO: Yes. Are you willing to sell that last joke? That one that was --  

O'NEILL: These -- oh horrible. Absolutely horrible.  

GUTFELD: All right. We're going to take a break. More show after this, I hope.  

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)  

ANNOUNCER: Final thoughts. It's the last thought. That's why it's called the final thoughts. Okay.  

GUTFELD: Yes, so Rob, how's the pandemic treating you? Is it a killer?  

O'NEILL: Ah, you know, it's decent. You know, I got to spend a little time inside, so it's not been bad. Traveling slowed down a little. The joke writing hasn't improved.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

O'NEILL: We're working on that.  

GUTFELD: Yes.  

O'NEILL: But hot sauce.  

GUTFELD: Oh, that's right. You have a hot sauce.  

O'NEILL: Yes, yes. And I need to get you some, too. You've got some good stuff.  

TIMPF: That sounds great.  

O'NEILL: Because when I was overseas, all we had to look forward to was Skype and meals and I carried this hot sauce around so we designed some here down in Kansas City and I just sent it out, limited edition, but we're going to start doing pre -- we're going to sell more -- donate some.  

GUTFELD: Can people find out where?  

O'NEILL: It will be available very soon and hopefully the person that writes my jokes and sets up my website is on this.  

GUTFELD: There's an easy website. No one is going to miss that one. Holy crap. Joe, any gigs coming up in Comedy World?  

DEVITO: Yes, I can finally get some of the cobwebs off the website and do an update. I'm going to be next Saturday in Cos Cob, Connecticut. Also coming up in February, Bananas in New Jersey.  

GUTFELD: Bananas.  

DEVITO: And my special between Facebook and YouTube is now over four million views, everybody who is going to watch it, I really appreciate it. Check it out.  

GUTFELD: It's a great special by the way. I watched it myself in the pandemic because I watched anything.  

DEVITO: Thank you.  

GUTFELD: Tyrus, any final thoughts?  

MURDOCH: Well, my movie comedy -- "Stand on It" is doing pretty good. You can check it out on https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__cineplex.com&d=DwICAg&c=cnx1hdOQtepEQkpermZGwQ&r=tgDLkJy54PfJyWJwul3dKe54qGxqO7b7d5vjo7RcZds&m=FfQNU4cbeo4nD8cup3w536QFS0SbbqCwVucfvaR2cKQ&s=2WtVksaSEXCpKI7Uh_mya11-z149ydsQAHtDOkBsKyI&e= or John Schneider's, any of his social media, Twitter, download it today. Check it out. It's a lot of fun.  

GUTFELD: Okay.  

MURDOCH: You don't have to think.  

GUTFELD: Yes, I don't like thinking either. Kat, final thoughts?  

TIMPF: I've been wearing glasses for seven years as an accessory. I went to the eye doctor yesterday and I'm just here to announce that I am nearsighted in my right eye. So I will be getting real glasses very soon.  

GUTFELD: Wow, that's exciting.  

TIMPF: Yes, it is actually.  

GUTFELD: No, it's just punishment. You deserve.  

TIMPF: I totally deserve it.  

GUTFELD: You've been culturally appropriating the nearsighted and now, you became one. You're just like Rachel Dolezal.  

MURDOCH: Wow. Wow.  

GUTFELD: You are the Rachel Dolezal of the optical world.  

TIMPF: She takes up after me, but I was just getting ready for this moment where now, I need them. Seven years of preparation.  

GUTFELD: Enough out of you, screaming lady. OK. That's where I am. You can read my stuff.  

Thanks you guys. Great show. I am Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.  

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