Updated

This is a rush transcript of "Gutfeld!" on September 3, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Happy Friday, everyone. Oh man, do we have a great show? Janice Dean is back. Let's go to the president of her fan club for comment.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. ANDREW CUOMO (D-NY): I see you. I appreciate you. And I thank you.

GUTFELD: Thank you too. What a shame impaled on his own giant QTIP. I don't even think I read that correctly. I'm sure he lands on his feet or his ass. 

I'm sure someone will lend him a helping hand after he lent a groping one to so many. But now he has time to hang out with Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose. But be careful when you hang out with Charlie Rose. He really wants to hang out. In case you forgot. He would never close his robe. So guess what? It's time for?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Everything is racist.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So true. So tonight a tale of two coasts in two elections. As you know, there's a recall going on in California. Except this recall isn't for defective airbags. It's for a defective windbag. Namely, his royal haircut Gavin Newsom. And it appears the person who has the biggest chance of winning is Larry Elder. Oh, look, he's black. What's the L.A. Times claiming is causing the recall? Racism.

So do I why have this right? A privileged white male governor who says ethnic is cauliflower pizza crust is being recalled and as possible replacement is a black man. Yes, that sounds about as racist as an episode of what's happening. Here's a tip for the Times. It might be faster if you just published a list of things that aren't racist. So the reason for the recall isn't rampant crime, untreated mental illness or homelessness or even the Kardashians.

It's not that Californians can't get water or go outside. It's not high taxes or legalized larceny. It's racism. Yes, the big claim that it's white supremacy that's led to the recall in California, one of the most liberal states in the nation. Next, they'll blame all these forest fires on burning crosses. See, their logic is that it's the racist who are painting California as a hotbed of crime and homelessness.

And those things actually aren't real. Just propaganda for some amorphous band of bigots. Makes me wonder if the people who write for the L.A. Times have ever been to California. Have they been downtown near the overpasses or walk the beaches? It's not white supremacists sleeping on the benches building tent cities littering the boardwalks with syringes. The elites would know this, if they ever stepped outside of their gated communities in wild mansions.

And saw how real people suffer from the policies they promote. And really, white supremacists are as rare in California as celebrities with bave. But then if only there was a way to refute that claim. You know, what if the leading Republican challenger was black? Now that's too crazy. No one would believe that. But there it is. That guy is Larry Elder, the black man who earlier had been called the blackface of white supremacy by another columnist.

If that's true, he's been in blackface for almost 70 years. That kind of commitment would make Rachel Dolezal jealous. Now, if you said those things about a Democrat candidate who happens to be black, you be canceled faster than a Cosby Show reboot. Now they're making the argument that Larry Elder isn't really black, because for Democrats, blacks are great until you challenge the Democrats.

Then it's about the content of your character. And to them you only have character if you stay on their plantation. Meanwhile, on the other side of the country, there's another election and maybe some hope for cleaning up New York City. Right now the city is experiencing its own renaissance of recklessness. I never thought I'd see the day when a crazed man attacks a car with a spatula, but that indeed happened here in the city.

So first, we're getting carjacked. Now we're getting flapjack. I don't know if I should call the cops or I hop. The dude was later subdued and beaten by a mob but this is what happens when D.A.s start waffling. That even made me sick. Anyway, Curtis Sliwa was running for mayor and he seems to actually give a damn about the people living on its streets and not the streets whose residents head to the Hamptons at the first sign of trouble.

This video made the rounds and it's worth showing. Hey Pelosi and friends, watch and learn.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CURTIS SLIWA, AMERICAN ACTIVIST: -- tolerance (INAUDIBLE) what's up, man? 

What's your name?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: (INAUDIBLE) 

SLIWA: OK, Alexander. How long have you lived here?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Six years.

SLIWA: Six years. Six years. And where you from originally

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm from (INAUDIBLE) 

SLIWA: All right. Can I ask you. Have you ever been hospitalized?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: A lot of times.

SLIWA: All right. Where? Where?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Bellevue Hospital.

SLIWA: Are you supposed to be on medication?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes.

SLIWA: Would you rather be somewhere else than Penn Station? It's OK, it's OK, it's OK. It's all right. It's all right. We'll take care of you, OK? 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I just don't want to take advantage of you guys. 

SLIWA: You're not taking advantage. This is our responsibility. I'm running for mayor. I'm going to make sure that you and your other friends are taken care of. OK?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: OK.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's pretty moving stuff and ignore the lefties screaming it was staged as if AOC's whole life isn't one big photo op. But that's what's really missing from the left compassion along with logic, reason and truth. 

The left pretends that their policies help those less fortunate but a stroll down the street in a major blue city proves otherwise. We see the consequences and most of them are asking you if you could spare any change.

Sticking a gun in your face or showing you their junk. And those are just the Democratic mayors. People like that did disturbed man suffer on the sidewalks of New York, L.A., Atlanta, San Fran, Seattle and anywhere else where there's been no opposition to the rise of the hard left. Fact is when you look at the damage being done you're seeing the consequences of one party rule. There are many five times not a Republican in sight.

And that's what happens when you have no competition, ruin. And real sensible Democrats should be pissed off because without loyal opposition, their party degrades into a motley bunch of woke brain dead militia zombies. It's not like the Republicans are saviors by any means. You just need at least two parties to keep each other from destroying themselves. 

It's time we did something to turn the tide.

But it's going to take more than one guardian angel to defeat a bunch of Marxist devils and save those two states. It's going to take a rebirth of Republicanism. Too bad they're all moving to Texas.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. Today's forecast, she's kicking some ass. Fox News Senior Meteorologist Janice Dean. He's had more rolls than Brian Stelter on Thanksgiving. Author of the new book the Respondent, actor Greg Ellis. She's like your favorite sweater, soft, warm and riddled with mocks. Fox News contributor Kat Timpf. And finally, his style of comedy is no laughing matter. Writer, comedian Joe Machi.

All right. I'm going to go to the only person here that is still living in California. Greg. Do you think Larry Elder is a sneaky white supremacist?

GREG ELIS, ACTOR: So, let me get this straight. The white man is saying that the black man is the black face of white supremacist?

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes.

ELIS: OK. The guy from Compton.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ELIS: Yes, I mean, having lived in -- it's like -- it's like Gavin's been drinking the woka-cola.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ELIS: For too long, right? I mean, I'm against -- I want this recall to happen. You know, whoever else comes in I don't particularly care is on him. And he has decimated California. And it's like this, you know, what we've seen with companies. You know, we're living in this era, where woke capitalism, where companies sell products to people who pretend to hate social justice. And it's like communism conflated with capitalism. And Gavin, look, he's a pretty fellow.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ELIS: He's good looking chap.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ELIS: But he's not doing very well. 

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

ELIS: I mean, Larry looks like, you know, he'd really mix it up. So, why not?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

ELIS: (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: I've noticed that better. Yes. The better Gavin's hair looks the worst the state gets. It's like -- it's like -- remember a picture of Dorian Gray? That - it was not a movie or a book, or did I dream that? 

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: It was a book?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.

GUTFELD: All right. Well, that's the point I'm trying to make. Like, his hair stays the same. But the constant state degrades. Just like the picture in the attic, Janice.

JANICE DEAN, FOX NEWS SENIOR METEOROLOGIST: The picture in the attic.

GUTFELD: Or am I getting the --

(CROSSTALK)

DEAN: Is that the Dorian Gray?

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: There was a picture in the attic. What's wrong with you, Janice?

DEAN: I think they're just -- they're grasping at straws now. It's --

GUTFELD: But there's no more straws.

DEAN: There is no more straws. How about he's just a terrible governor?

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEAN: I think they need like a meteorologist who's really mad in California.

GUTFELD: I was -- well, I was going to ask you, I don't know if Curtis Sliwa has a chance for mayor. But, you know, you've been a -- you've been a meteorologist for a long time. Isn't it time you enter the political realm and run for mayor? Come on?

DEAN: Would you vote for me?

GUTFELD: Who wouldn't vote for you?

DEAN: That's very --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Hell, Andrew Cuomo would vote for you.

DEAN: I don't think about it. I don't think so. You know, I will say I heard that Bill de Blasio was thinking about running for governor today.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEAN: We are in trouble here.

GUTFELD: I know.

DEAN: We are in trouble here in New York City. But I will let you know if that ever happens. 

GUTFELD: Well --

DEAN: If the winds change.

GUTFELD: I'll help write your speeches.

DEAN: Then I'm going to win.

GUTFELD: There you go. There you go. That's exactly the kind of answer that makes you a perfect politician. Kiss my butt. All right. Not literally, I don't want to get up with H.R. Joe, good to see you stopped by the footlocker.

JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: Oh, thanks, Greg.

GUTFELD: Where's that Old Navy? I'm not sure.

MACHI: I don't know the brand. I don't -- I don't pay attention to labels. 

Unlike the Democrats in California because I find -- I find personally you attach a label to something and then people will stop thinking and buy crap. That's what Nikes proved.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MACHI: And I think that's what happened -- that's what's happening here in California. What they're saying doesn't make any sense. I mean, Gavin Newsome had an otter as a pet when he was a kid.

GUTFELD: Really?

MACHI: Yes. And like, I'll tell you what, most white people didn't have otters as a pet growing up.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MACHI: I didn't have any pet. I had to pretend the straight cats love me. 

Much like -- much like cat owners pretend (INAUDIBLE) 

GUTFELD: That's true. By the way, otters are actually more appealing than cats, right?

TIMPF: Now you're going to make me upset.

MACHI: That was just -- that was just a friendly joke, Kat. I love cats.

TIMPF: Well, I saw it as violence.

GUTFELD: You know, fun fact before I come to you, Kat. Speaking of cats. 

How many cats does Curtis Sliwa have?

TIMPF: Seventeen, right?

GUTFELD: Seventeen cats. And he lives in a studio apartment. 400 square feet with 17 cats. I learned that because he was on the show. So, I love this guy. But that's crazy. That's crazy. And I didn't mean crazy. I'm a -- as you know, I am a doctor. Neurologist. Kat. At least that's what I say in my van.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: So what are your thoughts about how it's not lack of water, it's not lack of power. It's not mental illness. It's white racism that's -- at the root of these problems.

TIMPF: Yes. I just I looked at that article and evaluated it as if it were a research paper which now after that Dorian Gray thing this makes twice I will have used my English degree. Probably the only -- the only two times.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: It just doesn't add up obviously. There's no evidence to back that conclusion because really, most of the articles says OK, people are upset about the ramp at homelessness. And a lot of people that are homeless or people of color, therefore you're racist. It's like wait, so if you don't want people of color to be homeless, that's racist.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: That is actually backwards. But that's what happens when you stop thinking.

GUTFELD: He has -- Gavin -- the governor has not talked -- not talked to anybody that he has been harmed -- he doesn't know anything the -- about the homeless or the drug addicted or the mentally ill. I'm not even sure he knew some. That was a long way for probably the worst joke ever, ever made. 

Up next. No vax, no big K if the CDC gets its way.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Please God make this in.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Heading to the beach to relax? Not if you didn't get your vax. The CDC is recommending you nix all your travel plans and stay home this Labor Day weekend if you're not vaccinated. And even if you have gotten the shot make sure to pack extra masks because they said so.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DR. ROCHELLE WALENSKY, CDC DIRECTOR: When in public indoor settings, please wear a mask vaccinated or unvaccinated. As I've said before, masks are not forever but they are for now.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Masks are not forever, but they are for now. It sounds like something Kay Jewelers would say if your fiance --

ELIS: Didn't even finish it.

GUTFELD: I didn't even finish the damn joke. Did I even try?

ELIS: Thank you.

GUTFELD: All right. It sounds like something Kay Jewelers would say if your fiance was unattractive. Yes. Thank you. And who will decide when we no longer need masks? Dr. Fauci? He went from saying no masks to wrap your head into duvet cover. He's now saying three shots will likely be the new norm for full vaccination. What's next? Four? Five? The upside this is now the only way young children are being taught to count.

Meanwhile, in Australia, the birthplace of freckles, they've been going absolutely nuts trying to get COVID under control. In their latest effort to eradicate the virus. Aussies are now being forced to use an app with facial recognition software and geo location to prove they're actually quarantining for 14 days after traveling within the country. The app randomly contacts people and ask them to provide proof of their location within 15 minutes. It's like Uber in reverse.

And last, the ACLU proves once again it's forgotten what their initial stand for. In a New York Times op-ed, their leaders endorse the vax rules for the sake of the greater good saying vaccines are a justifiable intrusion on autonomy and bodily integrity. Hmm. That makes sense then the constitution is as meaningless as a receipt from CVS. So much for standing up against the status quo they should change their initials from ACLU to OBEY. No, wait. I don't need your courtesy applause. This isn't Seth Meyers. 

DEAN: Yes. Yes. 

GUTFELD: Joe, it took me a while to remember his name. Joe, what's your three-day weekend look like?

MACHI: I have not gotten invited anything, Greg. So, I am going to -- I'm going to avoid the traffic. I'm going to stay local.

GUTFELD: It's so excellent. If you had plans, would you heed the CDC?

MACHI: I haven't been paying attention to them for a while, Greg, because to me, it seems that they believe that the -- that doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result is the definition of sanity. It just doesn't make any sense to me. That's why you don't have to wear a mask if you're vaccinated. You have to wear a mask. This is two weeks. This is three vaccines. It's going to be nine months, it's going to be five months. It's hard to even keep up it just changes day to day.

GUTFELD: That is so true. Kat, you are obviously a famous libertarian.

TIMPF: Oh.

GUTFELD: There's only like three of them.

TIMPF: Right.

GUTFELD: How do you feel about the ACLU?

TIMPF: It's super disappointing because you know, I'm someone who's pro- vaccine, but anti-mandate. And the way that I reach, you know, this set of beliefs is by researching the vaccines, and their benefits versus risks, and then also being not literally a communist. 

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Like, if you do not own your body, you can't say you're in a free society.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: At all. And also, I don't ever -- don't ever trust anyone who says just for now, but not forever.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: It's going to be forever.

GUTFELD: Yes. That's like -- especially in a relationship.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: You can come to my apartment someday, babe. Two years later, I still have no idea how him and his probably secret family are doing.

GUTFELD: I wish I had a secret family, Janice. Janice, what are you forecasting? Will people follow CDC guideline?

DEAN: think it's crazy. I mean, I did everything they told me to. I got vaccinated, my husband got vaccinated. If my kid has to get vaccinated to go to school, we'll probably have to do that. But it's like me forecasting a storm. I tell you where the storm is going to go. It's really up to you what you're going to do with that information.

GUTFELD: There is -- that is what's called a masterful, a masterful analogy from our next mayor. Greg, you're from England. So let's talk about Australia which is like --

ELIS: OK, Mike, let's do it. 

GUTFELD: Yes. Australia is England if you drop England on the floor. And it rolled under the table.

ELIS: I think originally was all the criminals for England to go put on ships and went to --

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. It was a -- it was a penal colony.

ELIS: Right. And look at what's happening now within -- where the internment camps, there's a big old camp being built and it's really cheering.

GUTFELD: Did you see that?

ELIS: And there's lots of these -- and they're going to pick -- 14 days quarantine in the internment camp.

GUTFELD: Yes. But -- I mean, by the way penal colony isn't as fun as it sounds.

TIMPF: I know you could (INAUDIBLE) 

DEAN: It's always funny.

GUTFELD: By the way, my whole weekend is a mandate. You know, Greg, I was brought up to believe that Australia was a badass country, home of crocodiles and Mel Gibson and Mel Gibson and crocodiles.

ELIS: And martial law now.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ELIS: There's troops there on the street. The Aussies are stuck in the homes and other lockdown. I mean, we see what's happened in New Zealand as well. That's kind of the same. 

GUTFELD: Yes.

ELIS: In the U.K. it's gone a bit doolally. It's not there as well. I mean, what?

GUTFELD: What is doolally?

ELIS: Doolally, a bit, you know, two sandwiches short of a picnic or, you know, it's been crazy.

GUTFELD: Yes, it is crazy. It's nuts. It's amazing our authoritarianism can creep up if you give the population a choice.

ELIS: Right. Globally as well. I mean, I just -- I read recently about the ACLU. So apparently they're suing in South Carolina about mask mandates. 

Well, I'm like, well, hang on a second. So we were suing because of mask mandates but then women should have controlled with Texas and -- 

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.

ELIS: -- double standards, right?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, exactly. It makes absolutely no sense. But again, you know, we're talking about, you know, Australia.

ELIS: Oh, we would.

GUTFELD: Well, we weren't actually. Where am I actually? All right. Up next. China won't condone men with low testosterone.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Is there rejuvenation and abomination? That's a rhyme, Kat. As part of what they're calling a national rejuvenation, which sounds like a socialist skincare regime or regimen. China is cracking down on video games, celebrity fandom, top actresses and effeminate men. Coincidentally, that's the last four entries of my internet search history. Chinese President Xi Jinping, yes, I did it, has called for tighter party control across several areas.

So Australia doesn't feel left out. Minors are now banned from online gaming on school days and are limited to one hour a day on weekends and holiday evenings. That's after state media slammed online games spiritual opium perhaps in honor of their friend Hunter Biden. Meanwhile, they're reining in celebrity worship and online fan clubs including banning the ranking of celebrities by popularity.

They already scrubbed this from the internet. Thank you. Finally, and this is the one that bothers me the most because I myself have delicate hands. 

China has banned a feminist men from appearing on TV. Broadcasters have been told to promote revolutionary culture, and to "resolutely put it into sissy man," not my term, and other abnormal aesthetics. 

Apparently, the country worries that some South Korean and Japanese pop stars are failing to encourage China's young men to become masculine enough. That seems pretty harsh. If you want young man to aspire to be more manly, just show him this.

My face -- my hands already got larger just watching that. Janice, could this video game crackdown actually be a good thing long term?

JANICE DEAN, FOX NEWS METEOROLOGIST: I, I -- can you replay what we just saw? I've never seen that before. Does he do it before the show? 

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: It's not so much as dancing as the faces he makes while dancing. 

DEAN: Is that part of his show?

GUTFELD: He -- I told him what he was doing his show to stop dancing when you leave a segment to the music because it's so cringing and he didn't listen. So, I decided to make a montage out of it and force him to stop.

DEAN: That is going to be on fire on the Internet. 

GUTFELD: That's the second time I played it. I tried to play it at least once a week. Sometimes when I'm alone.

DEAN: I feel bad for China not being able to see that.

GUTFELD: You know, they're cracking down on everything, but that video. 

DEAN: Then they'll be OK. 

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. 

DEAN: It'll last them a lifetime. 

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. So.

DEAN: So, it's too -- I feel this is terrible. I mean, you know, they're not going to be able to watch this show and, and poor timing, because Abba just came out with a brand new album. 

GUTFELD: That's true. 

DEAN: Yes, that's right. Am I the only one that loves Abba?

GUTFELD: I love palindromes. So, I guess I do love Abba. Joe, Joe, Joe, there has to be some part of the story that intimately resonates with you.

JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: Greg, this is a chance for me to show that I valued the rights of those different than myself. I mean, I'm, I have as much toxic masculinity coursing through my veins as steroid users wrestles alligators while having sex. But I think you know, I value the rights of people different from me. I mean, I hate "The Bachelor," but I don't think it's fans should be rounded up. 

TIMPF: Thank you.

GUTFELD: What, Greg, what do you think about them cracking down on fans? I mean, that's kind of -- I guess they don't want any distractions to the greater mission.

GREG ELLIS, WRITER: Well, fans and what was it -- sissy man? Was that --

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. 

ELLIS: Sissy man? 

GUTFELD: Sissy man. 

ELLIS: So, I'm glad that this isn't, you know, here in America because we were the case where I am in California, then Gavin Newsom's campaign would just collapse. We wouldn't see it in the mainstream media. No, in all seriousness, though, I think it is good that, you know, for boys and youngsters to not spend so much time online. 

You know, online porn video games, we used to be getting outside. We need to be, you know, just boys need to be boys a little bit more. So, I think it's a good thing, but I certainly don't turn. You know, the sissy men thing. 

GUTFELD: Yes. 

ELLIS: I mean, you and me? We can dance like -- but no.

GUTFELD: You don't even know his name which is hilarious.

ELLIS: That groovy dancer. 

GUTFELD: That's Jesse. That's Jesse Watters. It's going to piss him off more that you don't know his name. 

ELLIS: Oh, Jesse. Yes, Jesse and I go way back. We used to dance

(INAUDIBLE) back in the day. Gosh, he was my dance partner. He wore jazz shoes, pink colored, but we want to talk about that. Anyway, moving on.

GUTFELD: Kat, you're kind of a fan boy, right? You're like, you're an intense fan of things. 

TIMPF: Yes. I'm not a boy, though. 

GUTFELD: No, but you know what I mean.

TIMPF: In case you didn't know that. Oh, yes. This is not going to be very popular with the audience, but I'm going to say it anyway. It's, it's going to be very controversial. I would not want to live in a place without drag queens. I'm serious. Yes, because you know what? You cry in a regular bar. 

You're weird, but you cry in a drag bar? They're going to tell you you're beautiful, and that you are perfect just the way you are honey and you walk out of there feeling yourself. 

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. And feeling other people. 

MACHI: I cry at regular bars all the time. 

TIMPF: Drag bar. You got to try out. 

GUTFELD: I've never cried at a bar. I should try it. 

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, all right. Coming up, should you become a McFlurry order because the machines are always out of order?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We all experienced the fury when you can't get a McFlurry. Time for our future Emmy Award winning segment. 

ANNOUNCER: "GUTFELD INVESTIGATES."

GUTFELD: Yes, if you're waiting for a McFlurry, better hope you're not in a McHurry. According to a letter obtained by the Wall Street Journal, whatever that is. The FTC has launched an investigation into why McDonald's ice cream machines seem to be broken all the time. This could be the biggest corporate scandals since the bank bailouts. 

It's the investigate -- it's the investigation that has jolly people up in flabby arms. The issue is apparently gotten more attention since a Web site called McBroken started tracking the status Have machines around the country. As of this morning, more than 11 percent of them were down. If this trend worsens, people might lose weight.

Some speculate the problem is employees not letting the machines eat up enough before cleaning them. But others suggest a darker, more sinister reason for the broken machines. An act of corporate terrorism on behalf of the lactose intolerant. For more, we go to a cow for comment.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why don't they use chicken milk for these desserts? I mean, is that even possible? Next, they're going to blame me for COVID. 

Now, a quick shout out to Greg Ellis. I love doing "Pirates of the Caribbean."

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD: You got a fan out there on the pasture, Greg. 

ELLIS: What can I say? I've always loved cows. Should I, should I speak like this, like I'm Scottish and Swedish? Everything in front of -- so McFlurry, McFlurry, McBroken, McTalking, McGutfeld. You know, we'll just do mc everywhere -- when did that, when did that become a thing? It's broken.

GUTFELD: It's so true. We're putting the mix in front, we're putting, we're putting MC in front of everything. That's not bad. I didn't mean to say what you thought I said. 

TIMPF: Doesn't matter. That's all just takes. 

GUTFELD: Yes, just taken out of context. Cancel me immediately.

TIMPF: I guess, I got to look for a job. 

GUTFELD: Janice, have you ever experienced this?

DEAN: I don't want to experience. This is terrible. We've had you know hurricanes, then COVID, and Afghanistan and now the machines are breaking of ice cream? 

GUTFELD: Yes. This is like the Terminator. 

DEAN: Don't tell me the Slurpee machines are breaking too? 

GUTFELD: Oh God, I haven't had a slurp. I get ice cream headaches from the Slurpees. Here's the deal. This is the reason why it's happening, Kat. Cody Rigsby, who's on peloton used to work the drive thru at McDonald's. He says, that after you clean the machine, you tell everyone it's broken. So, you don't have to clean it again.

TIMPF: I said this last night. 

GUTFELD: Yes. 

TIMPF: Yes. It's not broken. It's that when you're at work because I've worked in many restaurants, not to brag. Before you can go home, you have to do all the side work and clean all these things. So, if it's like a little bit slow, you get started cleaning the things you can go home right at closing. 

GUTFELD: You're right. 

TIMPF: If you get done cleaning the machine, someone want -- you know, someone comes in right for your clothes, they want ice cream, you're not going to give them ice cream to clean again. You got to go to the bar. 

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: So, it's broken.

GUTFELD: Yes. I used to have to clean the toilets at Albertsons. 

TIMPF: I had to do it at Boston Market. 

GUTFELD: But you know what? I was also the biggest culprit in making them dirty. So, it was basically I deserved it. 

DEAN: Albertsons? 

GUTFELD: Albertsons. Yes, the supermarket. They had a bathroom in the back. 

Not a lot of people knew that because you don't want to tell everybody, especially when you're -- it was the Albertsons near the fairgrounds. 

DEAN: Did you have to have a key to get in?

TIMPF: You should've had a bouncer.

GUTFELD: Yes. The carnies, carnies, it's weird (BLEEP), in the bathroom. 

And I'm not talking like taking it. I mean, did weird stuff. You were a carny, Joe. 

MACHI: No, I was not a carny. But Kat's right, I've worked at restaurants and a lot of, a lot of what you do at work is trying to come up with excuses for why you don't have to work. By the way, Greg, next week, I have repairman coming the same day, it's nice out. 

GUTFELD: So, you're not sure, you're not sure what that day is going to be? 

MACHI: No, not yet. But I'll ask, Janice. 

DEAN: I'll keep you in touch.

MACHI: Yes, they would always say the machine's broken. And I'm like, well, I'll come back here and fix it, just give me a chance. And, and I, I object to the notion that these big McFlurries are unhealthy because I'll tell you what, when I'm eating my, my heart rate starts to pound and I start sweating. It's the same as running a marathon.

ELLIS: Is this the, is this ice cream? I mean, like --

DEAN: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. 

ELLIS: There should be a national outcry. 

GUTFELD: Right? 

DEAN: Absolutely. 

ELLIS: This is a good strong use of tax payers' money if it were the McCopper, which is the British version. 

GUTFELD: Yes. 

ELLIS: You know, where it brew, you brew a cup of tea. They'd be storming in the streets. 

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

ELLIS: I don't know why this isn't from page news about the McBroken. What is it? McFlurry? 

GUTFELD: I love the fact that you didn't even read the story. 

ELLIS: Of course I did. The ice cream machines are broken. We need to fix some damage, right? The McIceCream machine. And is McDonald's with that crazy scary clown looking with the big shoes.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Big shoes.

ELLIS: I mean, we all want to buy his food and eat with him? 

GUTFELD: Yes, God knows what he does inside that shape. We won't get -- we won't go there.

DEAN: Do you have to clean them? Do you really have to clean them? 

GUTFELD: Yes, why do you have to clean them? It's just I scream. 

DEAN: You don't have to clean this machine. 

GUTFELD: Stop cleaning the machines.

MACHI: It's already cold. I love it. This is the FTCs big priority. I want to get the ice cream machines working.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right. We got more up next. A Friday treat with jokes you can't eat. 

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: You know, we cover a lot every week and sometimes not all of our beautiful jokes make it in. But lucky you, those jokes get a second chance right here in their own segment. Time once again for. 

ANNOUNCER: "GREG'S LEFTOVERS." 

GUTFELD: So, leftovers. Sometimes they're good, sometimes not so much. But you never know until you chow down. So, here we go. 

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts has died at age 80 making him the second most unhealthy person in the band. 

27 Sacramento school children are still in Afghanistan. Their departure was delayed because some of the kids wanted to spend their last day of vacation at Six Flags over Kabul. 

But V.P. Kamala Harris gave her word that the moment those kids get back to the U.S., they'll be arrested for truancy, because you know that's what she did. That's why that's why they didn't lie.

Kamala Harris has been has been hard to find lately. Critics are saying it's to prevent the unpopular V.P. for making the president look bad. 

Supporters condemned Biden doesn't need help looking bad.

Did anybody check Europe? Or has she still not been there yet? Joe Biden was caught checking his watch during the ceremony for fallen U.S. troops. 

The White House assured reporters the President was just making sure he had time for his fourth and fifth nap that day. 

Meanwhile, Joe confidentially responded with what does it mean when Mickey has his big hand on the three? 

Biden was stunned by the video showing him looking at his watch during that ceremony. He was also stunned to learn the woman standing next to him is his wife. 

A leaked call transcript showed Biden as Afghanistan's then President Ghani to improve the optics against the Taliban. But it's hard to do that and also fill helicopters with money. Yes, there you go. 

Former Conservative Max Bood wrote an op-ed blaming the Afghan withdrawal on the American people instead of Joe Biden. You'll notice max always wears a hat to cover up where his brain was removed. 

Sony fired disgraced "Jeopardy!" Producer Mike Richards for making obnoxious comments in a podcast years ago. Unfortunately, no one accepted his apology because it wasn't in the form of a question. No, no.

Roaching is the new dating trend of secretly seeing other people. Remind us of when cat was dating and boyfriends checked in, but they didn't check out. 

A pervert who flashes kids at a nearby school keeps getting released from jail. But that's what happens when Anthony Wiener's Wi-Fi goes down. The judges claim they have no choice but to release him. So far, he's avoided jail time, but he has been banned from hosting any more shows on CNN. 

Joe Biden plans to spend the weekend back home in Delaware, the sixth time he's vacation since his inauguration. That's nearly one vacation for every person his dogs attacked. His dog shown more aggression than General Milley. 

Biden's, Biden's been in Delaware for days, but he thinks he's in Afghanistan, so that should count for something. 

With Twitter's new safety mode, users can block any criticism or unwanted interactions that developers claim it's just like a Joe Biden press conference. 

The Twitter allows you to limit unwelcome interactions. I have a similar feature on my devices, it's called the on off switch. 

A New York Democrat candidate for City Council wants to put victims in charge of rehabilitating violent criminals rather than prisons. Her other ideas include using enormous hydrogen filled balloons to transport people. 

That might have been the Hindenburg.

Many Americans have put on weight during the pandemic and worry they'll be unrecognizable when they return to work. It's the news that inspired Andrew Cuomo to eat a family-sized lasagna, so he would be unrecognizable. 

Swimmers are being warned to avoid waters of England where there's apparently a confused horny dolphin. Alyssa Milano is asking us to withhold judgment until we know if he's a Democrat. 

Dolphins can become very amorous when they interact with humans, but the only dolphin I ever swam with told me he just like me as a friend. 

New study says women find men who mumble more attractive. This is bad news for articulate guys like me, but really good news for Bob Dylan. As for the reaction to this study, most men muttered something under their breath and just wandered off. That was a courtesy laugh, Janice. 

DEAN: I know I liked it. 

GUTFELD: The Afghan interpreter who say President Biden Afghanistan is now stranded there. The White House spokesman said the translator's departure has been delayed but reassured reporters that the man has already been mailed his absentee ballot for the 2024 election. 

Americans are stocking up on toilet paper again. Polls suggest that Americans are fed up with COVID and plan to take this sitting down. 

And anticipation of shortages, the government is considering a ban on tea peeing the houses this Halloween, Halloween. 

DEAN: Halliween.

GUTFELD: Halliween.

ELLIS: Halliweena.

GUTFELD: Halliweener. That's a porn star name. With a toilet paper shortage looming, the CDC map to cancel a new subsidy aimed at getting more fiber into our diets. You know, that was a perfect ending. I think they batted about 303, three out of 10 probably I guess. Don't go away. We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Before we go, just a quick reminder that.

ANNOUNCER: "ANIMALS ARE JERKS. ANIMALS ARE JERKS. ANIMALS ARE JERKS."

GUTFELD: So, check out this jerk of a dog just likes to crush your phone. 

You know, look at that. He's demanding full attention because he deserves the attention. Isn't what you want your phone? Look at that. Isn't that great. That's great. There's something about that phone that bothers him. 

Did it again. 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Put it up again.

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD: I don't know maybe he's calling another dog and he knows it. I need to see your phone and see who you're talking to. Is it? Is it Fifi, is it spot? And that is why. 

ANNOUNCER: "ANIMALS ARE JERKS. ANIMALS ARE JERKS. ANIMALS ARE JERKS."

GUTFELD: Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Janice Dean, Greg Ellis, Joe Machi, Kat Timpf, our studio audience. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America. 

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