'Gutfeld!' on liberal crime policies, scientists warning of alien invasion

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Gutfeld: These policies have emboldened criminals

'Gutfeld!' panel discusses what criminals are getting away with.

This is a rush transcript from "Gutfeld!," April 18, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: -- question about that. Oh, look at this. Happy Monday, everyone. Ah, the world's such an awesome place, especially if you're a criminal, which means it's time for.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hug your thug. With your host Joy Behar.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's so good. So, let's take a look at what you can get away with this week. It's pretty amazing. One man arrested after mass shooting in a South Carolina Mall. They have them there, in which 14 people were wounded. He has been released. He's under house arrest and thus wear an ankle monitor after the judge said 25 grand bond. Now there's an investment opportunity I missed out on, ankle monitors.

Who knew that they would replace prisons? Maybe Nike or Converse can make a version that comes with one already built in. Thankfully, he has been told not to contact victims of the attack who range in age from 15 to 75. I guess his apology will have to be done on a Zoom call. And speak in Zoom, the perp can go to work while under arrest, just like you, Kat. Guess he will be voted employee of the month in that office. The H.R. department must be dreading his yearly review.

Meanwhile, a D.C., which stands for duck and cover. It appears dognapping is not a crime-worthy crime. A crime worthy, crime worthy of incarceration, losing my brain. The feds chose not to press charges against four men arrested in an apartment where Pablo, a missing dog was found. Pablo was taken from his owner's at gunpoint, along with firearms and drugs. The four men were released and won't be charged which again will only embolden criminals not to mention damaging Pablo self-esteem. Poor thing.

I guess the dog couldn't fill out the paperwork without opposable thumbs. You have that problem, Charlie. Meanwhile, over at the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility, it's a woman's prison. Your future mailing address, Kat. There, a transgender prisoner knocked up not one but two female inmates. You go, girl. In here I was thinking -- here, I was thinking a trans woman in a women's prison was going to cause problems.

No, apparently the inmates welcomed her with open arms. I hear -- I hear they're going to have the gender reveal party in the laundry room. The gift registry is the prison commissary. I already ordered the tins of mackerel. That's what they sell. I checked on the commissary. They sell -- they sell tins of mackerel. And Miss Debbie snack cakes. Demitrius Minor, who's in the New Jersey women's prison confessed to impregnating two inmates, one of whom is serving a life sentence and will give birth in early autumn.

Officials say the baby could be released early with good behavior, It was a joke. Just in case anybody missed it. By the way, the father who was also the mother, but not the birthing person is currently behind bars for stabbing their foster parents to death. Got to hate to see what crimes Demetrius majors committing because his name is minor. So, a murderer and a lifer are expecting that their kid's future was any bleaker.

He'd be a Democrat in the House come this November. This baby has the genes of two criminals, he or she will be the first baby that when born to shave the delivery doctor who slaps it on the ass. And yes, the media uses the proper woke pronoun, there, to describe the murderer who knocked up the ladies, because not doing so would be the real crime I think. Now, we used to worry about prisoners sneaking in a file and a birthday cake. Not a penis.

But I admire this scam. Think about how terrified these woke suckers are. They're consumed over pronouns without questioning whether, you know, placing a biological male murderer in a woman's prison is a good plan. But the idiocy is all connected through wokeness. Apparently the facility changed its transgender policy last year. So now, it allows transgendered women who haven't yet undergone sex reassignment to come in.

Meaning that an inmate with a penis can shower among inmates with vaginas. And no, that's not alofa. And you wonder why women are getting knocked up in prison. The officials say it's a job hazard. So what can you do? Well, first maybe canceled the drink specials on ladies night and stop housing biological males with females. That's a start. Get them out of the women's prisons and into the college swimming pools where they belong.

So, that's crime today. Well, let's just hope more criminals don't figure out this loophole.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh. Help, help (INAUDIBLE)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: All right. All right. Break it up. Break it up. That's it, pal. You're going to jail.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, I'm sorry, man. You're going to lady jail.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh. I didn't know Emily was bald.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: She's a bald man.

GUTFELD: Yes. She can carry it though. For now anyway. But, you know, here in New York, I keep being told things are going to improve, right? But a corpse was found at the subway stop Sunday morning. That's the stuff I used to take the Fox every day. And he wasn't the worst smelling person in the car. Down the block for me, two men got shot in a dispute in front of a pizza joint. Don't ever make fun of anyone ordering a slice with pineapple on it.

Maybe it's me, but I keep feeling like adults have gone AWOL. Ever since we've criminalized law and order, all that's left are two groups. The oppressed and their victims. It's the allegedly oppressed who victimized but then use their status as oppressed as a shield. The lunatics have changed the language and change the realities of life without letting the rest of us know. So, we're living in a lab experiment right now, where the left tests out there horrifying theories on us.

Before we operated on incentives and disincentives, but now progressives have disconnected punishment from crime. And we're left with a civilization at the mercy of the criminally insane. Anyway, happy Monday. Is it too soon to start drinking?

EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: No.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He's an advocate for spaying and neutering pets. And some of our panelists. Host of Dr. Drew After Dark in the daily streaming show, Ask Dr. Drew at Dr. Drew T.V. I bet it's Dr. Drew.

DR. DREW PINSKY, HOST, DR. DREW AFTER DARK: How did you know?

GUTFELD: I don't know. Boy. If she talked any faster, the audience would start square dancing. "OUTNUMBERED" co-host, Emily Compagno. He's my favorite Charlie after a horse. Washington Times opinion editor and Fox News Contributor Charlie Hurt. Well, Jesus turned water into wine and she turned wine and is showing up to work hangover. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. Dr. Drew, it's been months.

PINSKY: It's been too long.

GUTFELD: Yes. I was worried about you for a while.

PINSKY: I'm all good.

GUTFELD: I thought maybe you had transitioned and everywhere in women's prison.

PINSKY: Oh, it's a -- would be an interesting sort of move to make, wouldn't it?

GUTFELD: Well, what do you think about this? I mean, you're a doctor. And there are experts who are like ACLU sued to get transgendered women into the prison knowing this would happen.

PINSKY: I don't think they believe this would happen. I mean, look, people have sexual relations in prison. It's usually women with women. Now we've added women with a penis and the problem is the liability of pregnancy. My question is, what's wrong with your profession, Emily? What is wrong with it? Because I feel like the sort of the idea they have is that all crime has mental health or something.

And that it -- to put somebody with mental health problem in a prison is the wrong thing. Let me hear -- as somebody who worked in a psychiatric hospital for 35 years. I mean, give me the care. All crime is not mental health. It is not. They are criminals out there.

GUTFELD: You sound sane why you're doing this by the way.

PINSKY: I know. We're crazy, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: Crazy that I sound sane. And there are people that aren't crazy, but need containment. They need it. It's what they need.

GUTFELD: Right.

PINSKY: And you can deal with that with some sort of facility, but not the streets and not ankle bracelets. That's not going to work.

GUTFELD: I was thinking about this the other day. And it's very strange. The idea that somehow it's better to have the mentally ill on the streets of New York, where there are loud noises, cars, beeping and crowds. That seems to me the worst place to be mentally ill and homeless. I would think something bucolic where they used to have sanitariums, you know, out in the hills, people in white coats. Remember that when you were a kid? That with the butterfly net?

COMPAGNO: Yes.

GUTFELD: That's how I would solve problems. Guys in white coats with butterfly nets. I know there wasn't a question in there.

COMPAGNO: I agree with you. And Dr. Drew, to your -- to your point. Yes, I agree with you. I think it's the extreme segment of those attorneys. The extreme portion of prosecutors in name who actually aren't prosecuting these crimes as they should be, right? So --

PINSKY: Do they think it's a mental health problem? And therefore -- and I'm all for mental health problems being treated in a hospital, but they're not doing that either.

GUTFELD: No.

COMPAGNO: Right.

PINSKY: What is their plan?

COMPAGNO: I mean, look, I don't know I don't speak for them. I promise. I don't -- I don't -- I don't have -- I don't want --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: And why are you here, Emily?

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: God. I feel like I'm going to stand. But when I -- I just wanted to say that you saw an example of that when you talked about, you know, the oppressors using their shield. So, the ACLU, yes, sued to have transgenders be in the same prison as biological women and among others the correctional officers union staunchly argued against it, right? They called it. They said, we are going -- we predict pregnancies, we prefer a whole host of obviously health issues.

This guy impregnated two.

PINSKY: STDs.

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: And the fact that the judge, however ruled in their favor, there's multiple now transgenders in there. What I don't understand is that there's a -- there's an element of public safety of protecting our citizens that somehow escaped the judge in that decision, right? That when he said, well, yes, I guess in the interest of fairness, we got to let them in. But what about the coda to that?

What about however, in the interest of public safety of the prison population of this poor woman, by the way, that one who -- one of the ones that got pregnant, her judge at sentencing said, I've never seen a more depraved or senseless act of violence, if she ever gets out, she will -- she will commit something like insane violence, whatever.

PINSKY: Right. So she was raped?

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: She wasn't. She maintains adamantly. She was not by this.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Sometimes she was into it.

PINSKY: OK.

COMPAGNO: The point -- the point is that this kind of person, regardless if it was a physical rape, I'm sure there's some semblance of taking advantage, but that's who we're dealing with. You think she is she has full mental capacity to make that decision, now she's going to be a mom in prison. I mean, it -- all of this is backwards, especially the non- prosecution for the dog, by the way. And that's also why everyone should have a Doberman instead of these little tiny, stupid dog.

TIMPF: I have a little tiny stupid dog.

COMPAGNO: I know.

GUTFELD: Well, I want to get -- I want to -- Charlie, I'd like to put you under house arrest, because your hair is murdering my heart.

CHARLIE HURT, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: All I could say is, anybody lays a finger on my dog. There's -- they're not going to jail.

GUTFELD: No, they're going six feet under in my little party house.

HURT: There's -- there will be no body found.

GUTFELD: Yes.

GUTFELD: I feed them to the pigs. Now, but it is kind of amazing when you - - when you -- like this whole concept of consequences doesn't occur to these people. And, you know, obviously, the country is sort of politically divided. And when it's politically divided, we tend to try to, you know, irrational responses to try to understand what the other people assume, the other people are making rational, intelligent arguments.

And you try to understand what they're saying. But this is no zone for that.

GUTFELD: No.

HURT: It's like, you let -- you let biological males into female prisons. What do you think is going to happen?

GUTFELD: Exactly.

HURT: I got convicted of murder. I'd be like, you know --

GUTFELD: I would do it in a second.

HURT: Yes.

GUTFELD: I would identify immediately.

HURT: Who wants to go to men's prison?

GUTFELD: Yes. I would also identify as a really old lady. So, I could get other medications and things. I would identify with like, so I need some medical marijuana for my glaucoma. I probably need some Percocet for my chronic herniated discs. I would identify every illness before I get arrested and then have all of them. Does that make sense?

HURT: Yes, I think -- no. And I think it would work. I think -- I think you could pull that up.

(CROSSTALK)

HURT: You would to special prison just for --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I want my --

(CROSSTALK)

HURT: And all of your unicorn friends.

GUTFELD: Exactly. That lives inside my head. You know, Kat. I think the audience knows that you own a cat.

TIMPF: Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Would it hurt you to know that somebody could steal your cat and not go to jail? Even though your cat is almost 40 years old? Barely is barely breathing.

TIMPF: Not yet. No. He's -- he has the inhaler that helps him breathe.

GUTFELD: Yes. Exactly.

TIMPF: I'm serious.

GUTFELD: So -- but -- yes, is that just -- I mean, that -- I guess your cat is property.

TIMPF: No. So, the cat, yes, I mean, he would -- I wouldn't be worried about him because he would just claws someone's eyes out.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: He's not a nice cat.

GUTFELD: They steal your dog.

TIMPF: Yes. They steal the dog. And then Cheens, whenever Cheens actually - - Cheens is really off on all this stuff. And Cheens, whenever he hears another story about a dog being stolen. He's like, I wish it would be Carl. And then I have to say, Cheens, you can't say that. He's right there. But yes, it's also I -- that's why I can never certainly go and take the dog out. It would not be safe for me to do so. So, that's why Cam needs to do it every time.

GUTFELD: Well, you know, you live in a neighborhood where it's -- there is a lot of issues going on. And it hasn't gotten better?

TIMPF: No. I mean, it's we had - we were on a walk the other day and some homeless guy was like going up to Carl like crazy guy out of his mind and - -

PINSKY: Didn't you have a dog walker?

TIMPF: Yes, I'm a god walker.

GUTFELD: Kilmeade is off this week. Something about a replacement.

TIMPF: They do not even like go to jail that -- I don't understand that. You'd like -- obviously, if somebody were to steal my dog on point, I wouldn't be like, oh, that's a, you know --

GUTFELD: Yes. What --

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: That'd be like kind of a bad day for me.

GUTFELD: But I think the owner of the dog all -- I mean, when you think they sold the dog plus drugs and weapons, I probably shouldn't have glossed over that.

HURT: And that's one of only two dogs that were dog snapped in D.C. over the weekend.

GUTFELD: Really?

HURT: Yes.

GUTFELD: There was another one you say?

HURT: Yes.

GUTFELD: That's double. That's 100 percent increase. It went from one to two.

HURT: No, I think -- no, but I --

GUTFELD: Startling.

HURT: No, I think it's -- I think it's part of a -- it's actually part of a larger trend.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HURT: And they're getting money for it.

GUTFELD: So, there's a lot of dognapping.

HURT: And they're so stupid they don't understand. Most of these dogs are chipped anyway. So, the first time -- so, you sell the dog for drugs.

GUTFELD: Right.

HURT: And then the new owner takes the dog to the vet and they check the chip, the, you know, the chip.

GUTFELD: There you go. Well, now you know. Carve the chip out is what you're saying. You make me sick to my stomach.

HURT: That's what I said.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Before we go, we got huge news. We're welcoming back our studio audience in a brand new studio. Free tickets are available right now for the show. Starting Monday, May 2nd. Go to Fox news.com/gutfeld. Don't slash me. For your free tickets right now. Oh, this is going to be awesome. We're going to have like a lot of big huge audience. Up next, activist go bonkers, claiming a black man darkened his honker.

COMPAGNO: Oh my god.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Welcome back. They made a mistake over race accusing a black man of wearing blackface. And now these race baiters are eating crow for comparing a black man to Justin Trudeau. Pair of wokesters in Arizona. That's a state, Emily. Falsely accused the school district of racism claiming it hired D.J. Kim Coco Hunter, that kinky Coco Hunter to perform in blackface at a charity event.

Really problem is the guy's black. Proving that with woke Arizonans, it's not the heat, it's the stupidity. After seeing a picture a hunter from the disco themed event. Stuart Roden and Jill Lassen, who served on the school district's Diversity, Equity and Inclusion committee or die. E-mailed the principal complaining about the blackface, which was literally a blackface. What's the PTA president said (INAUDIBLE) Lassen, a white lady said sorry. We should have reached out and inquired before making such accusations.

I cannot fathom the hurt anger and frustration you felt after you and others volunteered countless hours on your event. I truly apologize. Maybe you should have thought about it. But fair enough. She's an idiot. But she's a contrite idiot. But the other guy, Roden double down posted pictures, the Hunter on Facebook suggesting "It seems at the very least he is in darker makeup." If not blackface or I am completely mistaken. And it's the lightning of the patio.

Yes. That was his way out. I'm mistaken. He's a full blown asshat. Anyway, that made no sense. But I don't care because it's Monday. We reached out to the both wokesters, two both woke stirs for comment as of this taping, no word back. But maybe they're in West Virginia, protesting all these fellows. I mean, look at all that black face. Am I right? Those are coal miners, Emily. That was the joke that they don't understand that.

Wasn't that great that the guy doubled down on it? That's so funny. I just love that.

COMPAGNO: I was horrified by this on so many different levels. And actually, I don't think that that woman who you said was contrite? I don't think she was apparently. So, she had that that inclusion committee. And apparently what everyone says about her is that she's part of the search and destroy committee where they just -- all they do is attack the parents all day long for things like this. No one is safe.

So, when you bring in someone who is so committed to this performative theater, they're looking for who they can put in the targets, right? And so, they see that well, oh my gosh, it must be her. So she can issue that apology. Fine. But from what I understand, she's leading the charge along with that guy that was like, double down.

GUTFELD: Well, now I think I -- she sounds like a real --

PINSKY: She sounds like she -- I don't know this person. Sorry. I -- but --

GUTFELD: Go ahead. You can make a snap judgment.

PINSKY: But here's what it reminds me of. Back -- for some reason I'm talking a lot about this tonight. But when I spent many decades working in a psychiatric hospital, every patient with a borderline personality disorder in the late 80s and 90s came in with at least 20 lawsuits under their belt.

GUTFELD: Oh, yes.

PINSKY: And every single one, in your profession, again, I'm picking on you. Finally figured out what was going on and you started putting a stop to it. But I think they have found other ways to act out there was called - - their rage, that was called borderline rage. And I don't know this woman. I'm not saying she has anything. But when you see that kind of energy around things that aren't real.

I mean, I started worrying about the makeup art.

(CROSSTALK)

PINSKY: Yours are a little bit darker.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: It's a delusion. It's actually --

(CROSSTALK)

PINSKY: It goes towards delusion.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Do you remember that called the tulip craze?

PINSKY: Tulip mania.

GUTFELD: Tulip -- yes. It's -- everybody all of a sudden had to have a tulip.

PINSKY: Yes.

GUTFELD: I -- that's the only thing I know about.

PINSKY: But it's what mobs do. Mobs scapegoat, mobs gather and it's people that are frankly injured that get together and then focus their aggression somewhere else. But --

GUTFELD: It's like I always say, hurt people --

(CROSSTALK)

PINSKY: Look at you. Look at you.

GUTFELD: What terrible movie was that from?

TIMPF: I don't know.

GUTFELD: Kat, I want to ask you this question. Bill Maher made this point. And I think this proves the point. The reason why our show is so successful is that the left now is so freaking funny. I mean, this is a funny story.

TIMPF: This is --

GUTFELD: This is hilarious.

TIMPF: No. We are living in a South Park episode.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: Yes.

TIMPF: There's these diversity experts.

PINSKY: They call themselves experts.

PINSKY: It's like P.C. principals, right?

TIMPF: Yes. They can't tell the difference between black face and is black.

PINSKY: Right. Right.

TIMPF: And they're so confident about that, that they're actually going to publicly shame this entire charity event. But the man is just a black man.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And then he doubles down and be like, OK, and he -- I love how he made some sort of acknowledgement in the beginning of the statement. He says, although it's certainly different than a white person wearing black face, I can't acknowledge that but, no, I'm pretty sure he was still wearing black face.

GUTFELD: Incredible.

TIMPF: Oh, and you hit send on that?

GUTFELD: Yes. Exactly.

COMPAGNO: He was a famous guy, by the way. It's not as if no one knew who he was. Like he works for the Harlem Globetrotters. He worked for the WNBA team, like this guy is well known.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: He's also black.

COMPAGNO: Exactly. That's the point. Everyone knows it.

GUTFELD: But the reason why he did that is because he thought he could get away -- not the D.J. but the person making the accusation feels that they have everybody on their side. The woke -- like no one's going to question.

(CROSSTALK)

PINSKY: But in today's world, anybody going to do that?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: I mean, it's just unthinkable, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: But that -- but that's -- but that's what the problem here is that the serious side of -- and it is hilarious but the serious side of it is the fact that they're actually making race relations in this country worse.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: You know, you know normal people have sort of moved on from all of this.

GUTFELD: Right.

PINSKY: And you have this group of people who have become the race police also known as bigots.

GUTFELD: Yes. They're like the -- what do you mean, they're like the -- those Japanese pilots stuck on the island.

PINSKY: Yes.

GUTFELD: Don't know the war is over.

PINSKY: Yes.

GUTFELD: The woke -- they don't understand.

HURT: That's putting it charitably too.

GUTFELD: Yes. It is. It is. I -- yes. That is true. All right. It's not so bad being stuck on an island, you know.

PINSKY: Depends --

(CROSSTALK)

HURT: As long as you have your unicorns.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Enough of the unicorns, Charlie. I'll kill you. I swear. Up next. Twitter's dysfunction on full display as Elon continues to laugh and play. I'm just kidding.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: I'm way hotter now than, when I was 21. I'll have you know. They're still freaking out about Elon's growing clout. Elon Musk has been slammed in the media for as offer to by Twitter and cutting his own hair. Critics say, a billionaire in charge of a media company is bad for free speech democracy. But here's the thing, many of Elon's critics belong to media companies currently owned by billionaires.

Facebook and Instagram are owned by Mark Zuckerberg billionaire, Jeff Bezos bought the Washington Post in 2016, he's a space alien. The Atlantic, a magazine and an ocean, is majority, is majority-owned by Lauren, Steve Jobs's widow. And Time Magazine is owned by billionaire, Marc Benioff, and Bloomberg obviously is owned by Howard Hughes. Los Angeles Times owned by billionaire Dr. Patrick Soon-Shiong -- I did not know that. Elon points out that the Twitter board collectively owns almost zero shares, yet they get paid a salary for being on the board.

No wonder they're scared of him. He could take their influence and their paychecks away. So, he's got the media and the billionaire benefactors in a tizzy. That has to be a good thing. You know, it's like my rich Uncle Marty used to say: give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish, and while he's fishing, you go to his house bang his wife. Yes, he was, he was such a (BLEEP), Charlie, but he was right on that one.

CHARLIE HURT, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Wow!

GUTFELD: I taught a lot of men to fish. I don't even --

EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Lock up your wife.

GUTFELD: I think Bill Maher is going to take back what he said about this show. You know, Charlie, I have, I've not had you on the show since this homeless thing. This is a -- you got to be enjoying every minute of this right? Do you think he's going to pull it off, he's going to pull it off?

HURT: I hope he does. I pray he does. I think it would be the greatest thing for a free press in this country, in -- perhaps in our lifetimes. And it's kind of interesting, because, of course, wealthy people have always owned all the printing presses. Of course, that's kind of the way it works. The great revolution of the Internet was that it Democratized everything.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HURT: And there are good things about that and there are bad things about that. But you can't, you can't argue with the fact that it's generally going in a very positive direction if you want more voices, and you believe in free press.

GUTFELD: Of course.

HURT: And watching these people, especially in the free press department, like in newspapers and, and magazines freaking out over the concept that you've got this guy who says, you know what I want to I want to protect and preserve this press for everybody and give everybody a voice watching them freak out. They have completely revealed --

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly because they want them, they want the microphone for them. But they don't want the microphone for other people. Kat, here's an interesting question. Oh, you're going to love this. If you had the -- did I already asked you this?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, I don't know because you haven't said it this time.

GUTFELD: It just felt like, would you -- I feel like I asked you this last week. What would you purchase? Like he's purchasing something to fix it? If you had unlimited money? What would you purchase --

TIMPF: Just -- no, I just didn't get a PJ for myself.

GUTFELD: A P.J.?

TIMPF: Private jet. That's all I really want.

GUTFELD: No, but -- well, I mean --

TIMPF: What would I pick? What would I buy?

GUTFELD: Is this -- like, I would --

TIMPF: I'm not in the business of fixing anything.

GUTFELD: I would buy Rolling Stone magazine because I grew up on it, and it's terrible now and I would want to fix it.

TIMPF: Can I buy the city of Detroit?

GUTFELD: There you go. There you go. That's probably cheaper than Twitter.

TIMPF: I would love to buy it. I would love to buy Detroit.

GUTFELD: There you go.

TIMPF: So, yes, I would buy Detroit, but don't worry I'll make it fun.

GUTFELD: All right. Thoughts on Elon, any new thoughts on Elon?

TIMPF: This is just crazy. It's like people just throw billionaire around like, oh, and it's like, yes, billionaires own stuff.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: They buy stuff with their billions.

GUTFELD: Exactly, what do you expect them to do, like be on a budget? Oh, I can only spend $38.00. No, you're Elon Musk. You can buy -- if you want to by Twitter, buy five Twitters and set them on fire. I don't know. I don't even know if that's possible, Doctor, am I worrying you?

DR. DREW PINSKY, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: This whole thing worries me. A couple of things, a couple things. First of all, what happen to the stockholders? Why don't they get to vote on this? I don't understand why that's not the first order of business of a board representing the stockholders.

GUTFELD: There's not a lot of stock on the board, but there's a lot of stock among the stock.

PINSKY: Stockholders. And the other thing I've noticed is that the term free press -- there's a lot of monkeying with language, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

DOC? And the word, the term Free Press is starting to shift. You don't even know what they're talking about anymore.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: Because clearly Elon wants freer, freer expression -- now, that's not free press. Free press is something processed and controlled to protect democracy. That's what it is. Which I'm not sure what that is. You know, Charlie, I don't know what that --

GUTFELD: That's down there talking about content moderation, which everybody does in life. We content -- believe it or not, we moderate the content of this show. But I mean, but they're using it in a different way. They're using it as a, as, as what do you call it a dog whistle for censorship? You see what I did there, Emily? I bet you should do what would you take a hostile takeover if you could do would you do like that? Would you do the L.A. Raiders?

COMPAGNO: The Oakland Raiders?

GUTFELD: The Oakland Raiders, is that where they are --

COMPAGNO: They don't need fixing, they're just fine.

GUTFELD: They're in Las Vegas, lady. I tricked you.

COMPAGNO: I know, but I call them Oakland Raiders for life, forever.

GUTFELD: OK.

COMPAGNO: Anyway, here's what I thought totally summed up this whole situation, which is one of the writers for The Atlantic, right? He's talking about Elon Musk, and how audacious and crazy this is. He called him a billionaire (BLEEP). And he said, he basically is a purveyor of infantile jackass-ery, whose unfathomable wealth makes it possible and even likely that we'll carry out even the most ridiculous plan.

That's exactly what having wealth plus vision is. And I feel like what sets Elon Musk apart is that he has that vision. How dare he privatize space, in conjunction with NASA, which was sort of a dying agency, like he provided a spark that benefited literally in the future hundreds of millions of people. And yet, we're supposed to look down on him for that, because he has a vision. It's exactly the same thing, too, that Silicon Valley is already doing, which is pooling their wealth or concentrating their wealth and buying the same (BLEEP).

GUTFELD: Right.

COMPAGNO: It's just that one person does it with a commitment and a vision to make something that has turned toxic, actually wonderful again, right? He's trying to create or restore a virtual town square, and we're supposed to hate him for it?

GUTFELD: And the -- I think the solute, I mean, what the benefit to that is that it is the drug drip for the journalists. And it's like, it's like, there are more people on Facebook, but all the journalists flow every morning, and I include myself in this even though I'm not a journalist anymore, but they'd suck off that. They would --

HURT: They're on Twitter.

GUTFELD: They're on Twitter, but they got to get all the rage. And if, and if he turns that off, then it's gone, then journalists have to chase stories instead of retweets.

HURT: But this is what we have seen over the course of our career in this business, is that the beauty of Twitter is that it is an extraordinary vehicle for, for sharing information. The press, the reporters saw it as an amazing vehicle to talk about themselves.

GUTFELD: And manipulate narratives as well. It's about me, it's about me and how important I am and then also the stories that I'm working on. And that's right, it's supposed, it's supposed to be sharing information, not manipulating it. I would -- if I could, if I were Elon Musk, I would definitely buy Grit. Do you remember Grit?

HURT: The movie?

GUTFELD: That rural tabloid?

COMPAGNO: No.

HURT: Oh.

GUTFELD: Yes. Remember, they used to advertise in the back of comic books? Hey, buy Grit -- below guy with a newspaper bag?

TIMPF: Nope.

GUTFELD: I can't believe I out aged all of you. How old are you, Dr. Drew? You and I are the same age?

PINSKY: I think I'm a little older.

GUTFELD: Oh, I really?

PINSKY: Yes. But I've never heard Grit.

GUTFELD: You never heard Grit?

PINSKY: No.

GUTFELD: You people all suck.

PINSKY: Maybe when I was in medical school. There was a period where I was in training and I just don't know what happened.

GUTFELD: Yes, I've been there I was in, I was in a medical college for a while. Coming up on Easter, Trump wish the lefties Well, instead of telling him to go to hell.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Oh, what's in East -- what's in Trump's Easter basket insults to make the Dems blow a gasket. Trump keeps his enemies near while spreading Easter cheer. He released this statement yesterday. This is so good.

"Happy Easter to all including the radical left maniacs who were doing everything possible to destroy our country. May they not succeed, but let them nevertheless, be happy, healthy, wealthy and well."

So funny. Trump's Save America PAC also wished a "Happy Easter to failed gubernatorial candidate and racist Attorney General Letitia James."

"May she remain healthy despite the fact that she will continue to drive business out of New York while at the same time keeping crime, death, and destruction in New York." That's Easter. That is way better than anything from Hallmark. And only Trump can make you feel dirty while taking the high road.

Hopefully, these messages will become a new Eastern tradition like wearing bonnets and food poisoning. And why not appears more and more things Trump was alarmed about came true like Germany's gas pipeline deal with Russia. Remember this from 2018?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, 45TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: It's very sad when Germany makes a massive oil and gas deal with Russia, where you're supposed to be guarding against Russia and Germany goes out and pays billions and billions of dollars a year to Russia.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We are stronger together.

TRUMP: But how can you be together when a country is getting its energy from the person you want protection against or from the group that you want protection?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Miss that. Of course, people mocked him for being concerned about it four years ago.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN HOST: The world gone crazy this morning. Trump's performance was beyond belief.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I've never seen a president say anything as strange or counterproductive as President Trump's harangue against NATO and Germany.

JIM ACOSTA, CNN WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: It sounds like the president is engaging in what about ism instead of responding to criticism that he's too cozy, cozy with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This sort of had that same feeling the president facing a lot of criticism that he's a puppet to Vladimir Putin, and saying, I'm not it's Germany that is.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That footage that you showed at the beginning of the show, by the way he put in a time capsule.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So, should you. I don't even know who you are. He was right, they're all wrong. Germany's struggling to survive without Russian oil. How'd that happen? This is all as the Biden administration announces it will sell leases to drill on federal lands. Something he had it originally campaigned against. But we can't expect Joe to remember that when he forgets who the Easter Bunny is.

That music makes it. Kat, what -- was that the best Easter message you've ever heard, Donald Trump? He went -- he wished them the best.

TIMPF: I will say he definitely wrote it.

GUTFELD: He's one of the greatest writers --

TIMPF: He wrote it.

GUTFELD: -- in American history.

TIMPF: People were, you know, comparing like the Biden's Easter matches versus Trump's. It's like Biden has a team. Everybody. When you get to that level, you have a team of writers. But Trump is very much like the statement guy is me. I'm that guy. I'm going to write it. So, yes, I mean, it sounds like what he says on like, every holiday though.

GUTFELD: Yes, he does. You know, I can't help, Doctor Drew, but feel that his is a message of hope.

PINSKY: Whenever he sends a message, yes, there is a certain group of people this country that really go cry.

GUTFELD: Oh, yes.

PINSKY: And I would argue that, that, that degree of spin that they get into carried all the way into COVID. I don't understand what happened to people, why it's so upsetting to them.

GUTFELD: They -- I think it's what you're saying. They're just not used to hearing from a person. They're used to hearing from a team.

PINSKY: Yes, that's true.

TIMPF: My family group chat on Easter was worse.

GUTFELD: How did it go?

PINSKY: Who was it? Who said it?

TIMPF: No.

GUTFELD: Let's try to keep the show on point, the very organized, sophisticated endeavor. And I am a model of something. Lost my train of thought there, Emily, you aren't sure how you feel about this, do you?

COMPAGNO: Well, I felt like his Easter message was sort of half the Princess Bride, you know the bishop in it.

GUTFELD: Right.

COMPAGNO: And half the grace in Talladega Nights where he's like, sweet, you know what I mean? Like, it's, it's like half serious and then half the caveat, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

COMPAGNO: Right. And then also for Kerry's whole, like I've never seen anything so counterproductive, like Joe Biden hold my beer. Because every day of his presidency, we have been subjected to absolute mental rot and invertebrate incompetence. Trump's an absolute genius, comparatively -- I'm not wrong. I'm not wrong --

GUTFELD: Wrong at all. Not at all. And it's funny, it's like, there's a theory going around from one of our friends. It's the rearview mirror theory that the further that Trump gets behind, and we'll get further in the rearview mirror, all of his stuff is looking better and better and better. So, he's like, you know, it's, it's funny, and then you try to figure OK, yes, he pissed off a lot of people, but all the deeds he ends up directionally true on.

HURT: Yes, yes. We've never seen one of those things the way we have with him in politics.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HURT: I mean, but just because, you know, the change was so dramatic. But, but this is a perfect example, going back to the Twitter thing. You know, this is what's, this is the press on Twitter.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HURT: How it is that you have a guy like Donald Trump, who's in the White House, doing all -- if you love the news, you can't not love Donald Trump as president. It is -- he provides a lot of news. And obviously, you can disagree with his position on things, and he was right about a lot of things, if not just about everything.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HURT: But you can have those disagreements, but from an entertainment value, from a news value, I don't understand how these people don't appreciate.

GUTFELD: I always call Trump a news potato. Because you know, you can make a million things out of a potato? You can have casserole, you can have a baked potato, twice baked potato, french fries, curly fries, hashbrowns, tater tots. That's Trump. You can make like 70 different meals out of him. It's like, like, you would -- feel a show if he was around.

HURT: Yes, and we did. If Trump had been alive during Shakespeare's time, Shakespeare would have like, rewritten like all of his histories, all of his comedies, all of his tragedies.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HURT: To insert this amazing character, Trump, in into all of them.

GUTFELD: That's an interesting theory, but I don't think we'll be able to prove it.

TIMPF: Yes, I haven't talked through.

GUTFELD: Oh, no, we have to -- how's your time machine working?

TIMPF: Not yet.

GUTFELD: OK. Will it be ready yesterday?

TIMPF: I get it.

PINSKY: A little time travel humor.

TIMPF: That's really good.

GUTFELD: Yes, thank you. I knew you were going to say that. Up next, an open invitation for an alien invasion. What is wrong with me today?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: "A STORY IN FIVE WORDS."

GUTFELD: I want to see it? We're short on time. So, here's a story in five words: Earth's location will invite invasion. Doctor Drew, NASA plans to beam Earth's location into outer space. Some people think that could trigger an alien invasion. Why are we so thirsty?

PINSKY: We're thirsty, we are grandiose, we assume that aliens are as aggressive as we are. Who knows? They're probably nothing like us, whatsoever. But one interesting thing, that, that image that you saw on the screen with next to me, that is the product of something called hypnagogic hallucination that has been quite well shown now that when I have these hallucinations in a sleep state, that's what they --

GUTFELD: I have them too. I used to get those all the time when I was younger, they'd wake up and be on my chest breathing.

PINSKY: Yes, yes.

GUTFELD: To be right on my chest. You know, they said that I was the inspiration for gargoyles.

PINSKY: Yes, that's right.

GUTFELD: Isn't that crazy.

PINSKY: So, this is something that humans concocted in their head, and we've decided that today.

GUTFELD: It's hypnagogic --

PINSKY: You have it too?

COMPAGNO: I didn't know that. No, I just didn't know that. You're blowing my mind. Aliens don't actually look like that?

GUTFELD: Aliens do not look -- are you out of your mind, Emily? What do you think -- you know what, we -- know, would it be great -- you know, we keep thinking they're our size, what if aliens was super tiny, they could be on your sight?

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: Well, I firmly believe that they're part of our shared consciousness and that they're definitely purposely not landing because we totally suck. However, what I will say, is that we already beamed out our location in 1974 from Puerto Rico. So, this whole thing is crap. It's just fear mongering because if they were going to invade, they would have done it already, obviously.

PINSKY: Or they don't want to go to Puerto Rico?

HURT: What day?

COMPAGNO: Yes. Well, yes, I mean, if I was going to invade, I was going to go hang out, I wouldn't.

HURT: If I was going to look at this place, I'll be like, yes, I'm going to go to the next planet.

GUTFELD: Yes, but you know what, you know, we eat cattle. I want to eat an alien because it's like, you know, once we have space aliens, I don't -- why are we eating Earthlings? Let's just eat them. Like if they come in peace, turn them into pizza. That's what I say, Charlie.

COMPAGNO: That's so messed up.

HURT: I used to think that the best bumper sticker for Trump 2016 would be: Trump for president, and you can't screw it up. I'm ready now just to put the aliens in charge.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HURT: They do come back? Put them in charge. Put them in the White House.

GUTFELD: Well, you know what, they -- you know what, they might be in charge. We don't know really where COVID came from, do we? COVID could actually be a space alien, right?

HURT: Maybe that explains Joe Biden.

GUTFELD: Yes, it explains a lot of things like why I can't blink? You know, Kat, what do you think about that? COVID could have been a space alien that came in in his in our bloodstream. It comes in our blood, right?

TIMPF: I think there's your next book.

GUTFELD: Yes. Really?

TIMPF: Yes.

PINSKY: Well, viruses are maybe aliens.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: And they could have come from -- I mean, look, the reason we have mitochondria, those are bacteria that got into cells.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: And they they've come in on an asteroid.

GUTFELD: Apologize to me, Kat.

TIMPF: OK, but if we don't know, then why are we texting them?

GUTFELD: I don't know. You know, that's great -- you've done that. You've seen people as far as --

TIMPF: I have some, I've sometimes sent a message and then it doesn't, it turns out I didn't really convey what I was trying to.

GUTFELD: You've texted the alien.

TIMPF: And that was with another human. So, I don't think that we should be texting the aliens. Like, you know, you got to make sure you use the right emoji. It's very stressful.

GUTFELD: LOL could mean something totally different on Pluto, could be an act sign of war.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: LOL. Send the rockets. Don't go away. We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are at a time, lucky you. Thanks to Donald Drew, Emily Compagno, Charlie Hurt and Kat Timpf. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America. I do.

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