'Gutfeld!' on media coverage of Biden's failures

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Gutfeld: This is why the media and politicians embrace low expectations

'Gutfeld!' panel discusses the global energy crisis and the media covering for Joe Biden’s failures.

This is a rush transcript from "Gutfeld!," November 9, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Blue states are the places where economic inequality is increasing most quickly in this country.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

LAURA INGRAHAM, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Wait. Didn't The Angle say that like in May of 2020? Don't forget set your DVR, so you never miss an episode of THE INGRAHAM ANGLE. Greg Gutfeld takes it all from here.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Happy, happy Tuesday, everyone. It's also Emily Compagno's birthday.

EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Thank you.

GUTFELD: I wonder how she's going to celebrate it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(BLEEP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You probably don't remember that from last year, huh? So glad I kept the tape. All right. Welcome to The decade of lower expectations where Joe Biden hears applause when he makes it through lunch without leaving his teeth stuck in a sandwich. Low expectations, it's the new black. First there San Francisco where the City Paper asks earnestly, should residents and businesses tolerate burglaries as part of a city -- part of a city living and focus instead on barricading homes?

It's a fair question. The thing about burglars, they're probably just looking for bread. As AOC once said about hordes of organized retail looters. You remember the riots, right? Hundreds of looters running out of stores with loaves of sourdough in boxes that for some reason had Nike logos on them. Maybe that's why car theft is soaring in San Francisco, there might be bread in there. That's why murder is way up. People are foolishly defending bread.

Oh. And if you can't tolerate that, maybe it's you who is the problem. What do you have against theft? If you have property privilege? Don't you see that you having that wallet lords over that man with a knife who doesn't have a wallet? But I guess that's what they mean by reimagining public safety. Criminals don't rob people, people have stuff that needs robbing. Meanwhile, the media has taken the low expect -- expectation bar to a new low.

They point out that rising inflation is really a good thing. So get used to it. It's the exact thing I used to tell myself back in college when the rash kept returning. MSNBC tried vainly to explain why inflation is a good thing. But less people bought it than tickets to see the movie cats. They explained that Americans can only pay more for heating oil, gas and food if they first of course have more money.

Except all that printed money makes it worth less. Require you to spend more of it for the same stuff. The argument that Americans are buying more because they have more is just like Biden claiming 3.5 trillion costs zero. It doesn't add up. If only the price of peanut butter was as low as his I.Q. Keeps up. And now heating costs unlike Joe's approval ratings are expected to skyrocket. His own energy secretary warned that Americans will have to pay more to heat their homes this winter.

So what does Joe do? Closes more pipelines because that worked with the Keystone, rights? Slapping restrictions on fracking didn't help either. Energy independence is now as over as Mayor Pete's paternity leave. Thank God he lost the baby weight. So even amid a global energy crisis, they want to shut down the L 5 pipeline from Michigan to Canada. And when they told the press about the L 5, he just yelled bingo.

He's more out of loop than Kat at a convent. I know what that means. So why does Joe Biden close pipelines? Because they give you gas. Which is his problem, not ours. Really the only pipeline he should be shutting is the one that runs from his stomach to his ass. Talk about lower expectations more like lower intestinal expectations. You know, it's bad when the British Royals only takeaway from that climate meeting was that Joe's farts were the longest heard in recorded history.

And louder than the maiden Flight of the Conchords. The Duke of Windsor, more like breaking Windsor. Camilla Parker Bowles, more like Joe Biden's bowels. Eric Swalwell must be green with envy or broccoli. Either way he needs to up his fiber intake because while Joe may not outsmart you, he will outsmart you. What's happening to me?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I really do think the intervention you held for me really paid off. I feel almost like a new man. It's kind of -- oh, you got to be kidding. This is another intervention?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes.

GUTFELD: I stopped with the poop jokes.

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: It's not the poop jokes. It's the fart jokes, Greg.

GUTFELD: But I stopped the poop jokes. What do you got to get fart jokes?

DEVITO: What did Eric swallow do to deserve this? Besides, you know.

GUTFELD: Ah. Blow it out your ass.

DEVITO: That's what we're talking about.

GUTFELD: Enough.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Two interventions in two days. I'm breaking Kat's record. So we went from peace in the Middle East, relaxed tensions in North Korea, Operation Warp Speed all from Trump to this. A man who passes the buck as much as he passes the wind. Sorry. And look at the media. You want low expectations? CNN happily defends Joe saying there's nothing he could do to reduce the energy prices?

Yes. Because increasing drilling and not blocking pipelines just isn't possible. But CNN, they have a lot on their plate. Their two primetime hosts are currently accused of various things from groping to even more groping, but maybe their heart of hearing. When their boss said all hands on deck, they heard all hands on -- you know the rest. So why are the media and politicians embracing low expectations?

Well, it takes the pressure off them to do the actual work. The politicians don't have to solve the problems and the hacks at CNN don't have to call them on it for not solving the problems. Just get the American people to accept failure and we could all put it on cruise control. But more important while you're expected to lower expectations they don't, they can afford any hardship. Deffund the police, no problem. They got hired security.

They're closing the nearby Walgreens, cool. My assistant picks up the generic Viagra for me. That was just an example. Gas costs more, my driver Jeeves takes care of that after he rubs my feet and jelly. So let them eat cake until the price of milk eggs and sugar makes that no longer possible, because more people needing handouts means more potential Democrat votes. But even Biden's Chief of Staff admits things are looking bad. I wonder if Ron Klain thinks it's been a rough and tough year.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

RON KLAIN, WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF: It's been a rough and tough year and we knew it would be President Biden said this all the time. We're a year long effort to dig out of the holes we were left.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes, the holes, they're digging out of holes. No, they just dug them deeper and where there weren't any holes like the energy sector, they went out they dug new ones. And that's the scam. Run the country to the ground, even under the ground, because they're not affected by it. It's all on you and you better suck it up. Unless in a year you go to the polls and treat them all like dirt.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Joining me now to discuss the current state of the Biden administration. The president's chief of staff. Ron Klain. Hello, Mr. Klain? First off, welcome to the show. I want to get right to it. Both gas and electricity prices and rents are really high. What's the administration's plan to get them down? Do you have any?

JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: Well, gas isn't high if you have an electric car and electricity is included in your rent, that's no problem. And rent is not a problem either if you own your own mansion like I do.

GUTFELD: You seem to have all the answers for yourself. But it's also sounds like your glass is always half full kind of guy.

MACHI: Actually, Greg, I'm a half glass, half empty kind of guy. Glass half full is pessimistic. It's better if you have less. For instance, no one ever said, I wish I had more diarrhea. Unless it's -- unless it's you writing your monologue jokes.

GUTFELD: That wasn't necessary. And it also doesn't make any sense.

MACHI: You're wrong, Greg. It makes perfect sense. If life depends on your outlook, you could be sitting in a beautiful mansion you own and think this sucks. Or you could be constantly struggling to survive and say to yourself cool. It's like I'm Joe from the Bible. So next time you go to the grocery store and you see empty shelves instead of complaining, just thank your lucky stars we're blessed with so many shelves.

GUTFELD: Wow, Ron, this has been eye opening.

MACHI: Thanks for having me, Greg.

GUTFELD: Thank you. The president's chief of staff Ron Klain, everyone. Now let's welcome tonight's guest. She knows how to approach the bench and cartwheel over it. "OUTNUMBERED" co-host, Emily Compagno. He's so bright he has to turn himself off in the movie theater. Former White House National Security Council Aide, Kash Patel. She's like a spider web, skinny, white and full of dead insect (INAUDIBLE) Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf.

And that Tower of Pisa was fine until he leaned on it. My massive sidekick and the NWA World Television Champion Tyrus. Emily, happy birthday.

COMPAGNO: Well, thanks.

GUTFELD: You got any plans tonight?

COMPAGNO: This. This is great.

GUTFELD: Oh, that's good. Excellent. Yes, because it's very late right now. You're not going to go out after this show. It'd be like midnight.

COMPAGNO: Straight to bed.

GUTFELD: Straight to bed like you always do. Up at the crack of dawn.

COMPAGNO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Ah, that good for you, you psychopath. Is it -- I mean, is it a kind of a terrible strategy to force Americans to think about the upside of inflation, rather than try to treat it?

COMPAGNO: Absolutely. What do our tax dollars pay for? That's what I want to know. Let's take San Francisco. So it's one of the most expensive cities in the world to live in. It's why black and brown communities have been pushed out of it. It's why people pay taxes, property taxes alone in the millions simply to exist there. And yet now they're being told that what their tax dollars do is pay for nothing because they should just barricade themselves in there.

And then part of the argument by the mainstream media for inflation was, well, coming out of 2020 Americans were the "richest they've ever been." Well, on the backs of what administration was that exactly? Because the second this administration took the helm things turn (BLEEP)

GUTFELD: Yes.

COMPAGNO: And in terms of these -- the tax situation and the inflation that this administration and all of its elitism, it's tone deaf, its refusal to connect with ordinary Real Americans, the price of children's shoes is up the highest it's ever been inflation.

GUTFELD: Don't I know that?

COMPAGNO: Exactly. Since they started keeping records, there you go.

GUTFELD: Yes.

COMPAGNO: Furniture, heating the home up $700 estimated this season. These are things that everyone has to deal with that affects every single ordinary American, except for the people in this administration that continue to tell us that we are the enemy, we should just shut up and take it and yet keep paying more taxes to pay for these crime ridden neighborhoods that don't protect us.

GUTFELD: It just -- I know people laugh but like there is a strategy to buying children's shoes, because they're cheaper even at the same size than the adult shoes. That's why I shop at Gap for kids.

COMPAGNO: That's --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Kash, you know what I find really funny about this whole thing?

KASH PATEL, FORMER PENTAGON CHIEF OF STAFF: That I also shop at Gap for kids?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. That jacket. I've seen that before.

PATEL: It's extra large.

GUTFELD: Oh, there you go. See what I mean? You know what's weird is that the left creates the policies that then they beg you to lower your expectations for, the perfect example is we're funding the police. But now you have to barricade yourself. So it's now up to you to face the consequences of their own policies.

PATEL: Well, that's what they do. I mean, Minnesota is a perfect example, Seattle, whatever you want to talk about it. And it -- I always go to gated communities. It's kind of the perfect example. So many on the left live in these gated communities up on the hills in these vaunted palaces and until the crime actually hits them, then when it does hit them, then they say Donald Trump, you screwed up, we're getting attacked, and we have to actually put criminals in jail.

But again, the left continues to put criminals in jail, lets them out the next day. And then they go out and rape old women, which is totally tragic. And it happens monthly. Not to mention two year olds getting shot in Chicago.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PATEL: But I'm sure that's Trump's fault.

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go. You know, Tyrus, they're counting on our own sophistication to understand what they're doing. Isn't that true? They assume we're all really dumb. Right? If they can tell -- if somebody is trying to tell you inflation is a good thing, they're calling you an idiot.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, you know what, Greg, I kind of got to disagree with you. They didn't ask.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: They're not having the conversation. They're not saying, hey, I'd like to have your thoughts. Oh, I already know. I got you.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Less police. More funding things for me and my friends. And you guys are just kind of figure it out. They didn't ask anyone. They have you yet - - well, I mean, the poor fellow can ask the question anyway. We literally saw that. He tried to ask a hypothetical and we ended up on episode of Gilligan's Island. Just never know where this guy is going to go. But unfortunately, the ones who do know, they're perfectly fine with it.

Because in a way, this is their way of retribution. You had four years, we kind of did what you wanted. And you said what you wanted. And you went out and you capitalized on capitalism. And you open businesses. Oh, not on our watch. It's not going to happen. We're taking all that away. And we're all going to share everything except our stuff.

GUTFELD: Exactly. And the reason why they're doing that, Kat, is to make the population more dependent on the government. They were less dependent on the government under Trump. Now they have no choice because everything's expensive, and you get the free money there and that --

(CROSSTALK)

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes. Unless you don't want your house to be broken into.

GUTFELD: Yes. That's true.

TIMPF: Then you're all on your own. It's -- remember, these are the same people who years ago were saying -- remember the victim blaming thing? Like if you said hey, like, you know, you know, maybe, you know, women you shouldn't walk around in this park. You know, alone at night. That was victim blaming.

But now if you're like my house is burglarized, like yes, while you're barricading yourself inside of it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: As if it were a zombie apocalypse because maybe you should have done that.

GUTFELD: Yes. That's on them.

TIMPF: It doesn't, you know, that's like -- I want the government to do very little as Lillibridge. I want them to do absolutely nothing almost. Except for like keep people from stealing my stuff and keep people from killing people and raping people and that's the part where they're deciding to slack.

GUTFELD: Exactly. And it's all this other extraneous stuff that they're clinging to.

TIMPF: Make sure you're two-year-old as a mask guy.

GUTFELD: I know. Their I.D.'ing children.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: I.D.'ing children for certain indoor activities. Well, I'm often mistaken. But like, you know, you can't -- you can't ask for an I.D. anywhere else. You can't get a homeless guy off your porch. You can't do anything but they're going to -- they're going to force a kid to have his - - have his papers. Right? The papers for kids are only for potty training. I don't know what that means. Up next. They treat the non-vaxxed with disgust and their patients as thin as their crust.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Please God make this in.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Want a pizza with anchovies and capers? Then let's see your vaccine papers. Seattle restaurant Breezy Town Pizza which sounds like a joint owned by Eric Swalwell. There I go again. I'm not going to apologize. The intervention didn't didn't take. Anyway. This pizzeria says customers need to be vaccinated even to get takeout. Now remember this is Seattle where thanks to strung out Seattle vagrants your usual pizza toppings come with a situs syringes and feces.

And this is what they're worried about. But like the Kardashians taking pictures of their butts, this was all done for attention. Another unnecessary virtue signal meant to please the Masters while alienating the servants. Meanwhile, one master, the president of the American Federation of Teachers, Randi Weingarten, sounds like fun, but it isn't. Removed her mask while speaking at a conference in Puerto Rico because she said people had trouble hearing her.

But those who couldn't hear her were the luckiest folks in the room. She makes less sense that it teachers from Charlie Brown. Wow. That was an old joke. Good to get a laugh. Randy is also a proponent of universal masking in schools. So it's OK for the students to be unintelligible but not her. And last but definitely least, the Biden ministration is pushing businesses with 100 or more employees to prepare for the vaccine mandate, despite a court ruling temporarily halting it.

Not to worry business owners, if you have more than 100 employees. You won't by the time Biden gets through with you. Appeals Court on Saturday ordered an injunction against the mandate citing grave statutory and constitutional issues. I know that's hard to understand. So we translated it for Joe. Pink trout booby pickle. Speaking of more nonsense, Joe, what do you have to say?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Look, I just about lost my patience with this. The courts, come on. I don't need the courts. If we were going to give the courts of say would have given them their own separate branch of government. And don't tell me about freedom. Freedom, freedom. Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. You know who's saying that? Randi Weingarten back when she played guitar with Quiet Riot.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Tyrus, would you eat it that place? The pizza joint?

TYRUS: No.

GUTFELD: No?

TYRUS: I would not. The fact that if I follow them on Twitter, I'd be mad at myself as it is. The fact that I get my dining instructions from a tweet from a pizza place. You should be looking in the mirror like what's really going on in my world. We're like, damn it. I'm not vaccinated. Can't go to pizza tonight. Oh, shucks, Hon, what are we going to do? I guess it's Twinkies at home kids. I mean, Who -- when people -- when they do things like this, they're literally doing it for someone to tell them. Wow, man. Thank you for your service.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: But I refuse.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: If you -- thank you for your service if you serve in the military or policeman or woman. That's it. I'm not going to say thank you for your service for saying wear a mask. And here's the deal. If wearing a mask is so important and I was giving speech right now and you couldn't hear me, I would say, I'm very sorry we have to cancel this. If I take my mask off we're all (BLEEP) so no story tonight, guys. Sorry. Show is canceled. Masks fallen off. We can hear it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Because it's so important.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

TIMPF: It never occurred to her that maybe kids and teachers can't hear each other.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: With all the mask.

TYRUS: Yes. Her voice is important, Kat.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: Right. That's true. Her voice at a conference is far more important to education. And kids and teachers being able to hear.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: But, Kat, you know what gets me is that here -- the only reason -- OK. Obviously is a virtue signal for this pizza joint, but they kind of create the most unhealthy food on Earth.

TIMPF: Right.

GUTFELD: Right? They are contributing to the leading risk factor for COVID wWhich is I -- obesity, right? It's -- people who are severely overweight who are dropping like flies. And I blame the pizzeria, Kat. They're murderers. They have blood and mozzarella on their hands.

TIMPF: I think it's got to be more of a midlife crisis.

GUTFELD: OK.

TIMPF: If people went into pizza they wish they would have gone into something, you know, with a little more attention involved.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: And so they do this.

GUTFELD: Yes. That's a good -- that's an interesting point.

TIMPF: Thank you. I have so many of them.

GUTFELD: I wouldn't go that far.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Documentary.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know, Kash, what Biden is doing is unconstitutional. But you have people saying it is constitutional. How can they say this? How can they say that forcing people or businesses to do this vaccine is constitutional? It's not. It can't be.

PATEL: It's not. But what they do is they just tell the media on the left to say it over and over and over again.

GUTFELD: Right.

PATEL: It's true. There's nothing wrong at the southern border. Healthcare is no problem. Critical Race Theory is a joke. You just keep saying it over and over again. And you -- and they buy into it. This pizzeria I bet, if you looked at its actual profit margin after putting this Looney Tune outfit out, they're probably going to have 50 percent increase in business because 50 percent of the community is going to go in there and be like, I'll pay twice as much for your pizza.

My problem is I got enough problems going to a bar and getting my vax card just for a PVR when I get after out of the bar, a little tipsy. I want to go to the pizzeria without my vax card.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PATEL: I mean, this just huge personal problem that I would like Joe Biden to deal with.

GUTFELD: This is why I just eat -- I just eat and drink at home usually in the bathtub without any water.

PATEL: With no rubber duckies?

GUTFELD: No rubber ducky. Not anymore after that accident. Took seven surgeons to get that thing out of me. Emily, how about this? They should require people come to this -- coming to their pizzeria with a printout of their cholesterol levels to make sure the pizzeria doesn't kill them on the spot with their fattening foods.

COMPAGNO: I love that idea. And to your point about eating at home, remember you have to show a vaccination card to pick up a delivery.

GUTFELD: Right.

COMPAGNO: So for you to enjoy it at home, it would have to be someone else with a vaccination card that picks it up and comes over if you are unvaccinated. I love your point about the obesity factor. And that's what this administration has been doing the whole time. It's that they've been trying to stretch the emergency and to make this the most paramount emergent fatalistic thing occurring for all of us.

So they're relying on OSHA to argue that it's legal and obviously it's not and just like --

GUTFELD: His name is Kash.

PATEL: That's my other name.

COMPAGNO: I meant, the occupational safety (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: Oh, OK.

COMPAGNO: You know, whatever. Whatever it stands for.

GUTFELD: That's his name. Very wrong. They call him OSHA.

COMPAGNO: I pointed to him because he knows everything. He knows -- he knows that what I'm saying is true. Anyway. So OSHA has the authority to issue a temporary emergency rule, right? If workers are facing a grave danger and if that rule is necessary to address it, and it has to be feasible for employers to put it into practice. So the administration took that and that's what they're stretching out.

That's what they took the emergency. The emergency extinguished a long time ago, but this administration is arguing that it is still the most important thing facing all of us today. That's why to your point when Randy took the mask off, it's only an unimportant than in that moment, right? There's always an exception that this administration makes. And my point about the -- that it dovetails in with the obesity is that the number one thing that kills workers here in this world, it's car accidents. The number --

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: In the workplace.

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: In the workplace. It's transportation events.

GUTFELD: Too many points. Emily.

COMPAGNO: It all made sense. Kash got it.

TYRUS: To be clear, his name is OSHA.

GUTFELD: Yes.

COMPAGNO: No. Oh, for God's sake.

GUTFELD: Don't bring God into this. Jesus, Emily. It's your birthday. You think you can say whatever you want. But you know what, you're wrong. Up next. The college that values free speech over lefty loons who blather in brief.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Thank you. Do you find wokeness exhausting, then check out the University of Austin. To college for open minds that leaves the lefty B.S. behind. Former New York Times Columnist Barry Weiss announced the newly founded college called the University of Austin named after stone cold, Steve Austin, Tyrus. And dedicated to the fearless pursuit of truth. Basically, it's the necessary contrast to most university's cowardly adherents, the left-wing group think that stifles free thought.

According to the school's Web site, they're committed to freedom in inquiry, freedom of conscience, and civil discourse. Wacky ideals that used to be commonplace on college campuses were today the only thing free are the tampons in the men's bathroom. That's where I get them. Peter Boghossian formerly at Portland State University, go fighting Chlamydia, is a founding faculty fellow -- try saying that three times fast -- and shared more on Fox Digital.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PETER BOGHOSSIAN, UNIVERSITY OF AUSTIN: This is not a conservative university. This has people from all over the intellectual political, moral spectrum, and it's needed because our institutions now I've been hijacked by maniacs.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: What a concept. Professors from all over the intellectual, political, and moral spectrum, instead of leftist losers who spew ideology like, Kat, coughing up last night's Taco Bell in the green room bathroom. We heard it all, Kat.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I have a cold.

GUTFELD: No, that wasn't a cold. That was evil. Sounds like what I've been saying about what new education should look like. It makes me think it's time for me to start my own college too. We've already got a list of courses for Gutfeld U. Let's check them out. We have a steam room etiquette -- towels are optional. I always thought. Intro to identifying action figures in X-rays -- it helps with the emergency room. And its follow up, course action figure orifice removal, of course, there's the art of soundproofing your basement. And finally, how to convince people your five foot five for five foot four men. So, obviously written by a bitter panelist, I won't say who.

TIMPF: You're welcome.

GUTFELD: Thank you. So, so Kash, your, your name is Kash. This sounds like something to invest in. Because I looked at the names of the people here, they're all like amazing brands. You got Steven Pinker, Jonathan Hage, Glenn Lurie, Lex Friedman, who I love. I mean, this is like this is what is now necessary.

KASH PATEL, FORMER ACTING SECRETARY OF DEFENSE UNDER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: I think you're right. Two things: one, can I have a full scholarship to Gutfeld U? That's the got to be me -- Kash with the 'K'. Two, can we make this thing into a spec and do what Trump did with the social media site. You how much money we would make?

GUTFELD: Oh, why don't we do in this show for Kash?

PATEL: It doesn't even have to exist the college doesn't even really have to exist. We'll just scam this guy, guy's idea make it Gutfeld U, or Gutfeld Technical Institute.

GUTFELD: Ah, GTI --

PATEL: And then we will raise a billion dollars.

GUTFELD: I think I got that in college.

PATEL: But actually, no, in all seriousness, this is actually what people need. It's what -- I was in Loudoun County the other week when Virginia flipped, right. And it flipped because parents are sick and tired of everybody else telling them what their children have to learn in public school.

GUTFELD: Right.

PATEL: And college is an extension of that except it cost them 50-grand a year to send their kid there.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PATEL: So, this is genius.

GUTFELD: Yes, what do you think, Emily?

EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Why, you make me nervous now. Well, yes, this is the exact opposite. This is the existing answer too. For example, at Columbia --

GUTFELD: Right?

COMPAGNO: Where if you --

GUTFELD: University or the country?

COMPAGNO: University, where if you use the wrong pronoun --

GUTFELD: Right.

COMPAGNO: If you refuse to address someone by the proper pronoun, then you can be actually punished.

GUTFELD: Yes.

COMPAGNO: And so, what's the Litmus test for that? How do you know when someone's refusing? How do you know when somebody --

TIMPF: I'm sorry.

COMPAGNO: -- somebody is intentionally happening.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I can't help it. When I, when I laugh, I can't stop.

COMPAGNO: Anyway, I love everything about this. But I think the bottom line is it matters where you where your tuition dollars go, and it matters what your elected officials are doing. In California, it's a misdemeanor, to refuse to address someone by their preferred pronoun --

GUTFELD: Crazy!

COMPAGNO: -- in the nursing home industry. So, the point is, put your money where your mouth is, pay for these universities, not the liberal indoctrinating ones and vote your elected officials.

GUTFELD: Put your money where your mouth is. I do that at the strip club.

PATEL: Can your university have a strip club?

GUTFELD: My university will have a strip club or it'll be called intro to table dancing.

COMPAGNO: I'm in.

PATEL: Athletic scholarships.

GUTFELD: Yes, exact scholarships for table dancing.

COMPAGNO: Be an athletic supporter.

GUTFELD: Kat -- the Magic Mike scholarship. Kat, this is just like my idea about how, you know peloton co-opted the gym by having charismatic trainers to step up. And then you could do it at home. This is the first step, they have the charismatic instructors, and they have the tech people like Palantir behind them, this is going to be like an online thing that's going to make other education unnecessary. What do you think?

TIMPF: I think it's incredible that hundreds of professors have signed up to try to do this when there's no accreditation, there's no physical location.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: We can't do degrees. So, these people want to all quit their jobs for this, you know, new business idea that's not fully formed and like so unless you know all of them were in the middle of a cocaine bender --

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Then like, things must be really bad. It's the fact that this is happening shows how bad things really are, doesn't have to do degrees if the universities are smart to make some changes. But they, they're not --

GUTFELD: I hope that the idea of accreditation is --

TIMPF: It's a hard word, right? It's not that easy.

GUTFELD: It is really is. You don't know where to put the where to put the accent? You don't know where to put the accent. It's like, there's a spice joke somewhere in there, Tyrus.

TYRUS: Sorry.

TIMPF: What were you thinking about, Emily?

COMPAGNO: What do you mean?

TYRUS: I feel like you got stopped and like --

TIMPF: When you were startled by Greg, the host of the show, asking you a question.

GUTFELD: That's happened to me on "THE FIVE" though.

TYRUS: Well, yes, but Geraldo, you got to just let him talk. Who knows where he's going to go? You know what, I think we put a lot of weight on people who come to speak at schools, because I can little remember every event I went to where we had a special guest speaker, and it was always the same thing. I remember the first time was Kareem Abdul Jabbar was coming to our college to speak.

And the first thing he said was, don't ask me about basketball. And I said, Well, let's go -- the hell. Then, Danny Glover came, he said, don't ask me about acting. Well, let's go. Like every time someone would come in, it'd be like, don't ask me about my personal successes. I want to talk to you about life.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes.

TYRUS: I was like, for real?

TIMPF: Stephanie from "Full House" came and said, no, I'm not going to say how rude.

TYRUS: Yes, and there's a reason why they dim the lights because we leave.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: So, I think we put way too much emphasis who's speaking in the schools because usually the people who stay, no one likes him anyways. I mean, no one's -- like I just stated that three-hour speech man, I am so pumped.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: But bro, I'm on my fifth keg, what are you talking about? Like nobody cares.

GUTFELD: It was like with Ginger and Marianne came to speak at my school and they didn't make out. Like we were just so --

TYRUS: A sexist would --

GUTFELD: A sexist would say that.

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: And I'm disgusted by that sexist.

TYRUS: I remember how upset you were.

GUTFELD: When (INAUDIBLE) --

TYRUS: Yes, and let go and talk about it to this day.

GUTFELD: I'd let that person go.

TYRUS: To be clear, he was offended.

GUTFELD: I was deeply offended, deeply offended. I have nothing but respect for women. Nothing, nothing but respect for women.

TYRUS: A non-sexist would --

GUTFELD: A non-sexist would say. Coming up, staying up late to watch this show, your heart may be the first to go.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Are you tempting fate if you stay up too late? True this show makes you snicker but at the cost of your ticker. A new study says for optimum heart health you should go to bed between 10:00 and 11:00 p.m. -- not a.m., Emily. Researchers say your risk of heart disease goes up 12 percent if you fall asleep after 11:00, and that risk increases to 25 percent if you go to bed after midnight. And if you're awake for five days straight, you're on a bender with Kat.

TIMPF: I'm fun.

GUTFELD: Which by the way, it was never mentioned in the song after midnight. Only good things happened after midnight. Remember, we're going to lay it on the line. Is that how it went? Shut up, Greg. Other more important risk factors include things like stress, depression and working for a Cuomo. But I guess researchers will do anything to avoid telling Americans to lose weight. Now, for half the country, our show airs after 10:00 p.m. which means our viewers are literally killing themselves to watch this show. We have the best fans. You'll all be dead soon, but I hope it was worth it. All right, what do you think about this, Kat? You work here? Do you feel guilty?

TIMPF: I do.

GUTFELD: Because people are -- we should salute these heroes.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: OK.

TIMPF: We should salute them, but also, I think it's normal. I mean, I've never been to bed before 11:00 without the assistance of medication.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Yes.

TIMPF: Because anybody, does anybody do that? If so, how?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So, I don't know. I just, I don't buy it. I don't think it's real. I don't think this study is real.

GUTFELD: I think, Emily? Emily, I think that that sleeping is a skill that one has to learn to be good -- you should. You should, if you can find it the right way to sleep, your whole life changes. Am I right, Emily?

COMPAGNO: That's what they say. Two points: number one, I feel like the reason that this works is because people who go to bed later are doing probably a higher proportion of bad things. So, like everything -- sorry. So, like everything, they reduce it to like the one data point and then forget everything else.

GUTFELD: Very good point.

COMPAGNO: Like, are you staying up late doing lines and eating Shake Shack. And then, my second point is that --

TIMPF: Those don't go together.

COMPAGNO: I don't know. And then one time --

GUTFELD: Yes.

COMPAGNO: I met a real nocturnal, like a true nocturnal. Someone's whose internal body clock like forever since they were a child.

TYRUS: Like an owl.

COMPAGNO: But a human.

TYRUS: Yes.

COMPAGNO: And they, they became a driver because she basically was like my like -- to your point, she said, I was trying to force myself against my circadian rhythm, whatever it's called, forever. And only when I became a night driver did my, did my world --

GUTFELD: She solved the problem.

TIMPF: Where is she now? She sounds, she sounds fun.

GUTFELD: Yes.

COMPAGNO: Yes. So, you --

GUTFELD: It's all right, that was a good story. Tyrus, how important is sleep to you?

TYRUS: As an athlete, we've always talked about how important it was to get your eight hours. So, it became like really important, but we tend to stretch well, eight hours. Like say I go to bed at 3:00, I get up at you know, 2:00. So, as long as you get your eight hours, then you're good. You got to get your full eight.

But uh, you know, as you get older, when you're younger, you can be a little more wild, but as you get older, you tend to, you got to get that -- if you're going to be active, you got to get that eight hours in. So, it was always been instilled, you just, again these studies go. There's no point to him. It's ridiculous. I really feel like this is Kimmel and Colbert -- and they're like, listen, listen, we're not saying don't watch, but if you do, you'll die.

GUTFELD: Good strategy.

TYRUS: So, yes.

GUTFELD: And they did that, but they are also on --

TYRUS: And then, when you get charged as a serial killer --

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Yes, I will testify but to be clear, yes, not because I want you to go to jail because, I'm not going.

GUTFELD: Yes. I know I could count on you. Kash, what do you make of the suit by this research?

PATEL: I feel like I was lied to because basically, I was told that I was going to be testing this theory live during your show. And I took seven Ambien on the Amtrak on my way up here, and I'm really effing struggling right now. So, I don't know what you just asked me, but I'm just saying (BLEEP).

GUTFELD: I test so many things about -- melatonin is interesting, but you get crazy nightmares. Take a little, low dose that stuff makes you nuts.

PATEL: Beer is good too.

GUTFELD: Beer, yes. No, beer, did then you wake up two hours later, and you got to pee.

COMPAGNO: Wait, melatonin is natural.

GUTFELD: Is it?

TYRUS: OK, I thought someone was going to have the guts to say it. But I know she doesn't watch, so I'll say it. I go to bed to avoid the conversation. Like, literally -- you want to hear about my day? Oh my god, I got to get my eight. I got to go. OK, how many guys pretend they're asleep on the couch, they don't have to watch reality T.V.? You don't have to clap, I know she's here with you. Brave men.

GUTFELD: There you go. Next, would you bathe with your pet? Or is it something you prefer to forget?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Do pet owners get their kicks by allowing too many licks? Do pet lovers think it's fun to slip Fido a little tongue? And is it gross when owners let their pets get too close? You know what I mean.

A new survey finds that people have an even more disgusting lack of boundaries with their pets than I even imagined. And I imagine a lot of things believe me. So, 97 percent, that's almost 100 percent, Kat, admitted that they always let their pets lick them. One in five admitted to sharing their meals, and one in 20 admitted that they will even share the bathtub, but only if they've had a few daiquiris first. It's like my neighbor used to say, Steve, until one has loved an animal a part of one soul remains unawaken. Fun fact, I was the flower girl when he married his horse.

Kat, in terms of dating single woman with a cat, fine; but single woman who bathed with her cat No.

TIMPF: OK, for a while, I was a single woman whose cat watched her bathe.

GUTFELD: OK.

TIMPF: Is that OK?

GUTFELD: Yes, it's fine.

TIMPF: All right, because he watches me do everything. If he could talk, I'd (BLEEP).

GUTFELD: Emily, you don't have a cat. You got a dog. Right? Oh, your dog passed away, I'm sorry.

COMPAGNO: It's OK. But I, I have you guys, yes to all of this. Here's why. Total pack mentality. It's a pack. So yes, you eat together. If you're the alpha male, the alpha female then you give food to the dog. That's what you do. Yes. And you bathe them. I'm all about this. I am that person. I don't care. I don't care what you say. OK. Or I get added or whatever it's called. Um, but not people food. Not people. Right. Like, fish meat, et cetera.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's not people -- that's not people food at all, Tyrus.

COMPAGNO: Oh no, like versus bread.

GUTFELD: OK.

TYRUS: Listen, I love my animals to death. But you know, I draw the line at the bathroom. Because that's my time for personal achievement. That's not - - I'm not sharing that with a dog or a cat. I mean, that's where I escaped. I spend most of my hours there, you know, with people give someone else a chance. This one's mine. The last thing I want is the dog looking at me going, and you go out there. I'm not going out. There you go. You sit right here. My legs are asleep. I have to wait. So, yes, I think you can love your animals but the bathroom kind of draw one.

GUTFELD: All right, Kash.

PATEL: Can I just tell you a lifelong dream? I've always wanted to have a tucan, the guy from Froot Loops?

GUTFELD: Oh I love that bird.

PATEL: But I don't have a house big enough for it.

GUTFELD: Oh, well, that's a shame.

PATEL: Can you sponsor the tucan?

GUTFELD: I will -- you too can own a tucan. You too can own a tucan.

PATEL: I could be the mascot of Gutfeld U.

GUTFELD: There you go. You too can at Gutfeld U too can, own a tucan.

TIMPF: They're hard to keep alive. I know a guy --

GUTFELD: How do you know that?

TIMPF: I know a guy who kept getting them and they kept dying but t can be the mascot it got filled you There you go.

GUTFELD: You too can get filled you too can own your for opening. I know a guy who kept getting them and they kept dying, but he kept getting him whatever. No, I don't --

COMPAGNO: Wait aren't they like a -- isn't that a misdemeanor?

TIMPF: Yes.

COMPAGNO: At a minimum, felony.

TIMPF: Well, I know a guy who knew a guy.

GUTFELD: Don't go away, we'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Happy Birthday and thanks to Emily Compagno, Kash Patel, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our lovely studio audience. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Oprah and I love you, America.

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