Gutfeld: Mainstream media makes money by making people hate each other

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Gutfeld: Mainstream media makes money by making people hate each other

'Gutfeld!' host takes on corporations wading into battle over Georgia's election law

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," April 5, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Wow, that's exactly how I got fired from Pizza Hut. All right. Here we are again. Brand new show and a brand new Greg. I'm as guilty as Kamala Harris explaining kids in cages. Or Woody Allen hearing about kids in cages. If you've been watching the "G.G. SHOW" on Saturdays, welcome. If you love "THE FIVE" and felt the need for more G.G., that's awesome.

If you ended up here because you thought your T.V. was the microwave oven. It's good to see you Mr. President. Your pizza will be warm in two minutes and Hunter he brought the extra cheese. You all made a great choice for proof over at MSNBC. Let's see what Brian Williams is up to right now.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BRIAN WILLIAMS, MSNBC CHIEF ANCHOR: Good evening. I'm Brian Williams and I am on Mars. Yes, I jumped on a chopper and now I'm on Mars. I've been here for a year now. I built a castle here made of mastodon carcasses and marshmallows. This is where I invented all the COVID vaccines, as well as penicillin, the smartphone and fluffernutter.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Some things never change. Meanwhile, what's on CNN?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You, sir, are a racist.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No (INAUDIBLE) you are the racist.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Racist, racist, racist. While male racist.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You are terrible. You're the racist also.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's from the Don Lemon hour. Who reports that news with the same look your mother gave you when she found weed in your sock drawer? As for those late night shows were supposed to compete against -- why bother? Who do they offend? The only time Stephen Colbert ruffles feathers is in a pillow fight. The definition of risk to Kimmel is dehydration from crying too much.

Fallon, that guy funs more than a herd of deer. And I heard Seth Meyers and Trevor Noah ran off to be obscure together. So let him be. They got the market cornered and calling Americans stupid. To them it was never about Trump, it's Trump voters. It's not about guns, but gun owners. It's not just about destroying statues. It's anyone who thinks math is real. It's not the issue, it's the easy targets, meaning you.

Me, I like bashing creeps in power. Those stupid talking pinatas in politics, entertainment, and especially the news media, because they're all the same people or in Zuckerberg's case, things that look like people. And also because the only way they make money is by making people hate each other. It's not enough to say respectful disagreement makes less money. You have to say it's racist. That's why to them Twitter is a news source.

It created cancel culture, a crowdsource version of a hit piece, a GoFundMe page for character assassination. The press used to write these eight pieces themselves. Now the encouraged steel cage matches so they can sell ads and ratings, repurposing tweets into clickbait because it's profitable. Cancel culture is to the media when an ATM in the lobby of a casino is to an addicted gambler. It's democratized media destruction, putting a joker mask on reality declaring everything is not debatable.

But their power is an illusion. Their numbers are small. It's just that they're constant noise scares the hell out of corporations. Look what's happening to Delta. They're more scared of tweets than of birds flying into their engines. Which leads us to.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This could very well be breaking news at least to us.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I just found out about this today. Rob Manfred. The MLB commissioner said that the best way to demonstrate our values as a sport is by relocating this year's all-star game and the draft. Demonstrate our values as a sport. What's that mean in a sport where stealing basis is a virtue? The sport that was racially segregated for 70 years where they pretended no players were on steroids even as their ballooning heads gave the Goodyear a blimp a complex.

At least their heads swelled from growth hormone not a sense of self- importance. Clearly these cowards got spooked by activists manipulating the media. Because how is voter I.D. immoral? Try picking up nail polish remover in West Virginia without one. Don't ask me how I know. And remember, the all-star voting process allows fans to vote five times over a 24-hour period. That's ballot stuffing or in Chicago Election Day.

MLB lecturing us on values. It's like me lecturing you on height. Meanwhile, the President -- the President calls the bill Jim Crow on steroids. Yes, the so called great unifier now flinging racial discord like frisbees at a fish show. So, screw you, MLB. Your stupid exhibition game is about as entertaining as a matchup corn hole on ESPN at 3:00 a.m. in the morning and screw Delta and screw Coke.

In fact, screw all corporations, you stupid execs are cowards and bad golfers, you cheat on your taxes and you cheat on each other. I hope Dems raise the corporate tax to 99 percent except on Fox which should be tax exempt. Maybe I'm turning socialists but after years of proclaiming corporations as engines of free markets, I realized their locomotives run by methods who do anything to save their own hides.

Its profit over people, no matter how many inclusion coordinators they hire, they'll turn a blind eye to China's slave labor. Knowing that adding a diversity fund run to whatever history month currently celebrated will stoke the work in human resources. It's not a principled stand. It's their way of doing business. It's no different than a bodega putting up a BLM sign. So, maybe their store will survive the demonstration because they're scared.

Well, it's time to return the favor. That's our job to scare the people who delight and scaring you. Sort of like an enforcer on a hockey team but cuter. It's time to turn this one-way road into a two-way street. Think of it as part of Biden's infrastructure package. Except it's real and it costs several trillion dollars less. Let's welcome tonight's guests. She's destroyed so many pundits that she had to become one herself.

Starting tomorrow she's one of the co-hosts of "OUTNUMBERED". Former White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany. He's quicker on his feet than a tap dancing Cheetah. Creator and host of the "RUBIN REPORT", Dave Rubin. She's sweet petite, it catches rodents with her feet.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: Host of "SINCERELY KAT" on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf. He can turn that frown upside down. Literally he will lift you up by your feet and turn you upside down. My master, sidekick and host of "NUFF SAID" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

All right. Kayleigh, first off I have to say it is great to see you here. You have come a long way. That sounds funny.

KAYLEIGH MCENANY, FOX NEWS HOST: Good to be with you.

GUTFELD: I know. She used -- well, I used to work on the 18th floor a red eye in a really crappy office that was always under construction. I think they wanted something to fall on me. But you could always walk by it. She was with her the Huckabee staff. And they looked like a normal staff and there came you dress like you were hosting Huckabee.

MCENANY: Hey, where do you think I got my points from my binder? It was the talk in your office. I heard your brilliant musings and jotted it down.

GUTFELD: Oh, very nice. Very nice. That's a complete lie. A complete lie. So, what do you think of all these woke corporations? What does this tell you?

MCENANY: Well, this is insane, Greg, I mean, look, you would think the governor of Georgia just legalized killing puppies.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCENANY: Which he didn't.

GUTFELD: No.

MCENANY: He literally spends voting and then what happens? They all of a sudden flee Atlanta and the message coming out of the White House is absolutely nuts. Today, they were asked, well, what about the PGA tournament, so that leave Georgia or we have no comment on that. And then the State Department, what do you think about China? What should companies do there for the Olympics? Oh, we don't have any comment about that.

But MLB in Georgia, Biden says get them out and they follow and they heal. It's crazy.

GUTFELD: Yes. vote voter I.D. is somehow worse than slave labor, Dave. You know what I'm concerned about? CNN. Is their head office in Atlanta?

DAVID RUBIN, FOX NEWS HOST: I'm fairly certain that anyone is now allowed to walk into CNN offices at -- in Atlanta, you're allowed to go right to the elevator, press the button right to the penthouse. Jeff Zucker is up there. He's the CEO, the president of CNN and you're allowed to take a meeting. You don't have to show your I.D. Sure. You have to show an I.D. to literally rent a bike.

GUTFELD: Yes.

RUBIN: Right? To get on a plane to buy a beer but somehow it's racist to vote. That's your segment on CNN and the racist stuff. That's what they've tricked us all into thinking that we all hate each other.

GUTFELD: Right.

RUBIN: We don't. We don't.

GUTFELD: Yes. I mean, I hate mostly. I hate everybody.

RUBIN: You hate everybody.

GUTFELD: Now, Kat, none of the people who are upset about this bill actually read it. That would disgust me except I didn't read it either. I don't pretend.

TIMPF: It's going to be great though for Atlanta's economy. To show how much you care about the people of Atlanta by running all business out of the town. I just -- if they don't -- people who try to cancel all these -- what do they add except ruining things, not just for the people they cancel but for, you know, that's why they call it, cancel culture, like the culture at large. They make it impossible to have conversations about the issues they say they want us to be talking about because people are afraid they'll say something wrong.

Or when it comes to humor, they like to say, you know, like, you can't joke about that. Or if something serious or harrowing I actually think those are the things you should try the hardest to make funny. That's gotten me in trouble before. Yes. But I really think that nothing can disarm the hardest stuff and make it less scary than humor. We can't make people too afraid to try.

GUTFELD: Oh, what a beautiful thought. Well done. Tyrus, are you excited, huh? First day.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Phenomenal.

GUTFELD: What do you make of the story? I feel like there are two new parties now, it's not left or right. It's cowards and non-cowards or just looking out for yourself. That's a party now.

TYRUS: Well, when I was a kid, it was when the going gets tough. The tough get going, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Now it's when the going gets tough, the going gets going. I never really understood the whole point of when you don't like something you leave.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Wouldn't it be more effective for the all-star game to be really all about registering a vote early and doing all this other stuff in the town and everyone makes money in the town instead?

MCENANY: Right.

TYRUS: We leave. We -- could you imagine Martin Luther King marching and someone said something and you're like, well, stop, let's go. Pack it up. Come on, let's take this party to California. That's not how it works. And the Hunter Biden thing, you know what's sad to me is when someone goes to addiction, you should never make fun of it. You should support them, especially when they're willing to talk about it and own it.

He talks about it but he doesn't own it. Don't ever tell it when you think about here's a carpet you can imagine seeing a little Greg crawling on the carpet looking for stuff, right? And it's a heartwarming, right? It's like, oh, we're all laughing. And then Greg tries to make a joke out of it. Like, so much parmesan cheese. You know, it wasn't parmesan cheese, bro. It was crack. He said he was doing crack. You did horrible things to your family because you were on crack.

But he's still not admitting it. He's making jokes, which means he's not there yet. And he shouldn't be doing interviews until he's ready to come clean. And be honest. Like, yes, I did horrible things because I was addicted to drugs. And yes, I put my family in jeopardy. Yes, I use my father's name to advance my stuff. So why? So I could get more crack and then we would all feel for him but he just doesn't do it. So, the interview is a wash. Talk to us when you're ready, bro.

RUBIN: Greg, is this not? That's not parmesan cheese right there? It could be.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: -- parmesan ruin a crack pipe?

GUTFELD: Can I just point out that this we're devoting an entire segment to that in the next block? And I want to commend Tyrus in foreshadowing that segment. I will say this, I said this earlier on a show called "THE FIVE", you might have watched it. To your point about base, the league, how great would have been if they just started operation warp speed for free I.D.s? Why? I mean, if you could do with a vaccine, why can't you do with I.D.?

TIMPF: Joe Biden also did not read the bill.

BLACKWELL: Yes.

MCENANY: The President

TIMPF: Well, and neither did Chuck Schumer. Chuck Schumer says come here MLB, come to New York. We'll wait. You only have nine early voting days here. They have 17 in Georgia. You can have water over dollar here. You can have it 150 --

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: -- to read things.

RUBIN: You know what you need to pick up tickets that will call out of baseball game?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Exactly.

RUBIN: Not to be a racist.

GUTFELD: I got to go. But now I'm just going to show up. It will call and just say my name Smith. All right.

RUBIN: Or Elvis.

GUTFELD: Or Elvis, there you go. There's probably an Elvis. More on that Hunter Biden interview.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: It wasn't the cheese that brought him to his knees. Hunter Biden spoke to CBS this weekend to promote his memoir. The interview covered a bunch of topics like his past drug use.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: I spent more time on my hands and knees, picking through rugs, smoking anything that even remotely resembled crack cocaine. I probably smoke more parmesan cheese than anyone. Anyone that you know I'm sure, Tracy.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh, man. Picking through rugs. She's talking about his dad's hair. Anyway, on his hands and knees sounds like his father trying to board Air Force 1, Am I right? Why? Then he was asked about being on the board of a Ukrainian company Burisma Holdings while his dad was V.P. and involved in U.S. policy towards Ukraine. I wonder did he make a mistake in taking a spot on that board?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: No, I don't think I made a mistake and taking spot on the board. I think I made a mistake in terms of under estimating the way in which it would be used against me.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, maybe you thought it was a cheeseboard. More, please.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRACY SMITH, CBS NEWS CORRESPONDENT: But you must have seen the optics, even back then you must have -- no, I mean how could you not have foreseen that this was going to look back?

HIDEN: Because I really didn't. I'm being as honest with you as I possibly can. All I know is that not one investigative body, not one serious journalist has ever accused -- has ever come to the conclusion that I did anything wrong or that my father did anything wrong.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know he's right. Burisma is just really bad at hiring board members. I've heard that. To be fair, you're often not aware of optics when you're snorting parmesan off the floor. Joe, what do you have to say about this?

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Come on, man. Hunter didn't do anything wrong. Except maybe smoke a little parmesan. I would never do that. I prefer smoked gouda good cheese. Hunter understood this crime anyway. They say left his laptop computer in a store. What is that anyway? Computers are big. The day they make a computer small enough to fit in your lap. That's the day they make a car run on electricity.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So, Dave, what do you make of this? Why is he doing this now?

RUBIN: Well, that's weird part, right? Isn't that the weird part? We weren't allowed to talk about Hunter Biden. We were censoring Hunter Biden.

GUTFELD: Because Joe would have lost the election.

RUBIN: Right. So Twitter and literally just obliterated The New York Post story.

GUTFELD: Yes.

RUBIN: We weren't allowed to talk about the laptop. There's nothing to see here. Now the guy's literally admitting he smokes parmesan cheese from the carpet and let's not forget, listen --, right who (INAUDIBLE) I know I'm talking to the libertarian (INAUDIBLE) OK. But Joe Biden, this is not Joe. Joe Biden has multiple times referred to him as the smartest guy he knows. Wouldn't you say that if you've smoked that much crack that you're in the carpet like maybe that disqualifies you from the list?

GUTFELD: Unless Joe knows a lot of stupid people.

RUBIN: Well, Joe definitely knows a lot.

GUTFELD: Joe hasn't -- the I.Q. level for his friends is not very high. Kat, he does -- here's the thing about Hunter that bothers me the most. He gives drug use a bad name.

TIMPF: I agree.

GUTFELD: It seems to me -- it seems to me that like a lot of people use drugs and don't become Hunter Biden. So it's more about Hunter Biden that it is the drug.

TIMPF: Absolutely agree. And I also think just Joe Biden is the worst kind of hypocritical when it comes to this, right? Because I don't think that being a drug addict or even a drug user makes you a bad person or really -- at all. And Joe Biden talks all the time about that with regards to his son and how we should have all this grace, which I'd agree with, if he did not have all these actions showing that that only applies in his mind to his son, right?

He cosponsored the Anti-Drug Abuse Act of 1986. Instituted huge mandatory minimums for drug offenders. Created the crack versus cocaine sentencing disparity.

GUTFELD: True.

TIMPF: Rocked up so many people, you know, mostly black men for doing the same thing that Hunter was doing. So Hunter deserves grace. But all these other people don't even deserve their freedom, that's (BLEEP)

GUTFELD: It is. Tyrus, the white lady makes a good point.

TYRUS: Clever that way. Very clever.

GUTFELD: Yes. If Hunter has had more, like if it was a black kid, he wouldn't be in jail for life right now. But Hunter, he's got Biden privilege.

TYRUS: Well, I'm not -- well, plus, anytime you ask a parent and this only -- I'll give the President of slack here. It's hard when you talk about your own kid. You know what I'm saying?

GUTFELD: That's true. Yes, yes, yes.

TYRUS: Like you got to come up with things. Like if someone tells me like hey, Tyrus, how about your son is an actor? Well, he's really smart.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: It's all I got. You know what I'm saying? So, that, I kind of give him a little break there but here's the thing and I go back to this. When you're on crack, you're going to make bad decisions.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You can't say and the mornings I'm a vacuum cleaner on my carpet for anything. But then after I brush my teeth and turn my day around, I'm on board, members making great decisions.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: I don't know.

TYRUS: Doesn't work that way?

TIMPF: I think -- I think I smoke more parmesan cheese than anyone you know makes a great cover letter.

TYRUS: It doesn't even make sense.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: How does that work? I like three pizzas, extra parmesan and are you holding?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You know what I'm saying? It doesn't -- it doesn't work that way. I don't think parmesan cheese and crack ever come together. I think the only time it ever came together was when Richard Pryor did it, rest us only blew up. You don't think any other time parmesan and crack come together.

GUTFELD: You know what it is? That we're not -- we're not entertaining one thought that maybe he might be the most successful crackhead ever. That he's just -- like if he ended doing crack, he'd be even more successful.

TIMPF: But also if you're smoking all that crack, or you're really not much pasta.

RUBIN: Yes. But I love -- I love how he come --

TIMPF: I haven't heard that about crack.

RUBIN: I love how he comes to the conclusion that no serious journalist has ever said he's done anything wrong. I mean, the guy literally -- what was it? 80 grand a month I think.

GUTFELD: Right.

RUBIN: Eighty grand a month to do a job as a consultant for something that he had no qualification for except, who's his daddy?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCENANY: And he says he doesn't remember if he dropped off the laptop to the shop owner. Well, when you're sniffing parmesan (INAUDIBLE) maybe you don't but guess what, we can all figure out whose laptop it was. There are thousands of pictures of you with illicit drugs. Some of them. Your names on the forum when you drop it off. I'm not surprised you don't remember Hunter, but anyone will have a brain cell knows it was indeed your laptop.

TYRUS: And poor money management.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCENANY: Yes.

TYRUS: He was making millions of dollars and still was on the ground. If he was managing a money right, you should add plenty of crack.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: You had enough money for pizza and you should have enough money for crack and I don't think he was buying anything else. And let's be real. He didn't drop off the laptop. He exchanged the laptop with some crack. You know what I'm saying? Like --

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: Some of that -- some of that ravioli money --

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: And I wouldn't wat to remember because let's be -- some of the things that people do in addictions, they do horrible things to feed the beast. And I'm sure maybe it didn't -- he didn't drop it off. We had news moving, you know what I'm saying?

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: And get that truck. So, I get it. He probably doesn't remember that because he was on crack and did a lot of things. And a few people are being real about what to do for drugs --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: -- the good name of the laptop repair guy buddy and crack cocaine.

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: Up next. Now Cuomo is on the hook on how he wrote his book.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Is the press still in love with the world's worst gov.? According to a report, my favorite kind, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo may have violated state laws by using staffers to help him with his book "American Crisis." The original title was "Let's Kill All the Old People." Last summer, the state's commission on public ethics approved the $4 million book deal, as long as Cuomo didn't use state resources to write it.

Turns out, he did. Top Aide, Melissa Derosa reportedly attended meetings with publishers and edited early versions of the book. If true, he like, likely violated state ethics rules, which would come as a shock to thousands of nursing home residents, if they weren't already dead. Anyway, he could face a hefty fine plus lose the four million bucks which could buy a lot of prop-size q-tips. For more, let's go live to Andrew Cuomo.

I'm sorry, but that's way more adorable than Andrew Cuomo. Tyrus, he said a lot of bad things, the nursing home stuff, and the sexual harassment by four million bucks. That's going to keep me up tonight.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: You know, when you die in New York, you really die in New York. I mean, I've heard a bad month but wow. I mean, the anything he knew was anything he did on the up and up this guy, literally, there was echoes of people while they were whispering to President Biden that he might have to step aside --

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: -- because this guy's next. He's got it. No, whoever his staffer is, we need to find out who that person is. Because they are a go getter. They write books. I mean --

GUTFELD: It's true.

TYRUS: -- that, whoever this staffer is, step out.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Take a bow. You literally carried what is literally a diabolical criminal looks like to the point where he was almost the Democratic nominee.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Like, literally, where is the staffer? Show yourself.

DAVE RUBIN, THE RUBIN REPORT: There's only one thing that can save him now, truly one thing which is smoking carpet.

GUTFELD: This is never going to go away. But he was, Dave, he was the Belle of the ball. He was winning Emmy's. That's why he got the book deal. I mean, he and, and to Tyrus' point, they were, they were shaping him up to be the next president.

RUBIN: Greg, great people like Robert de Niro and Whoopi Goldberg and Ben Stiller said nice things about him on his birthday. The man is a hero. He's -- look, of course he's a clown and shouldn't be governor anymore. Obviously, he does those ridiculous segments with his brother Chris. Oh, boy, I guess they can't do them anymore.

GUTFELD: No, he can't cover it.

RUBIN: Chris has now said I've decided to be a journalist that I'm not going to do my silly interviews with the big q tips and everything else, even though he did his little theater thing. Remember when Chris came out of the basement?

GUTFELD: I love that.

RUBIN: When he said I was -- I had COVID, I was in a basement. I was very sweaty. Then of course, it turned out that he got into a fight with a biker and like, did he punch a guy?

GUTFELD: Yes, they should have done that on Easter. Him coming out of the - -

RUBIN: That would have been it. There's ratings.

GUTFELD: That was some religious joke that didn't go over well.

KAYLEIGH MCENANY, FORMER WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: To your point though, this guy, I mean, we've felt it in the Trump administration. He was the Wonder Boy and every day, his 10:00 am press conference was compared to President Trump's 3:00 or 4:00 pm press conference. It was insane. And meanwhile, this guy's having staffers write books for him.

And another story that came out today to your point about Biden, this guy said there's no room in pandemic for politics, and then went out and got them to do a poll as to how he was performing compared to Fauci, compared to Biden, compared to Schumer. This guy is nuts, and the story just keeps getting worse and worse.

GUTFELD: Yes, also -- please, do. Yes, the thing that drives me nuts is the avuncular way that he pronounces words when he's talking to you because he thinks you're so slow that he has to, like, make sure you understand it, like he's feeding a baby bird the words cat.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, it's just interesting to me that like he loves to do crimes, I guess. And like, we can't follow it either rules, but he's like spent the entire pandemic making so many rules for everyone who lives in New York. Like he's living a life of crime. He's like, you can't have 11 people in your home. I'd like -- he would, he's basically like an outlaw. Like he would need like a cowboy hat and like spurs and like a name, like quick gun, or like Andy Crow except for the way that he governs.

GUTFELD: Right?

TIMPF: I truly don't understand how we can love to do so many crimes but then just make all these rules for other people and beyond sanctimony.

RUBIN: You remember during the lockdowns when he announced that chicken wings don't count as a meal?

GUTFELD: Right.

RUBIN: He literally did that. He didn't want people going to bars.

TYRUS: I'm sorry, I can't take this bashing. Listen, the reason why he talks slow, and I would talk slow if I love the sound of my own voice. I don't. If ever I hear my voice, I feel like I have marbles in my mouth. I don't like to listen to sound on my voice. Here is one person that -- and I think everyone here, does anyone like the sound of their voice, typically when you hear it?

TIMPF: No.

TYRUS: He loved it so much. He talks slow to enjoy it.

GUTFELD: That's a good point.

MCENANY: And he puts the words on the screen so if in case you missed it a few times, he repeats the words around the screen during his press con.

GUTFELD: That was amazing. I thought that was like, that was like -- that is the man who thought that this stuff needed to be seen. He's never going to resign though, because you know why? He understands the news cycle. He knows -- all he has to do with outlast it, and he's outlast every scandal so far. All right, we got to probably my favorite story, I think no, that's the next block. This next one. All right, more great stuff ahead.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: All right. We're back with the greatest panel ever put together on T.V., and it's not these people. It's these people.

ANNOUNCER: "THE PANEL WITH IN A PANEL"

GUTFELD: Yes. So, we've been on the air for about five years now, actually a half an hour, and the time has really flown. And I thought what a great time to ask some expert judges about how I'm doing so far. Joining us to weigh in "AMERICA'S NEWSROOM" Co-Anchor and "THE FIVE" Co-Host, Dana Perino; and the Host of the "TUCKER CARLSON TONIGHT SHOW" and "TUCKER CARLSON TODAY" on Fox Nation, Tucker Carlson. Oh, wait. So, Bill Hemmer couldn't make it? All right. "FOX AND FRIENDS" Co-Host, Brian Kilmeade. All right, I want you guys to be honest, you've watched more than a few blocks at this show. Dana, I know it's pretty late for you to be up. What did you make of it so far?

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Well, first of all, you just stole my first joke. Because I can't believe that I stayed up three hours past my bedtime to watch this.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: You might consider moving this show back to 3:00 am where you belong, and maybe, you know, post it on YouTube or something? That was actually quite successful. Also, I wore orange to match your logo, and I realized now that you seem to have stolen it from Garfield, the cat.

And now, the legal department, has already called your 25 minutes into your first show, and we already have our first lawsuit. So, I wrote down some, some -- two for charisma out of ten; two for preparation, two for delivery, and how did I come up with that number?

GUTFELD: I don't know.

PERINO: Because too, is your shoe size.

TIMPF: Wow.

PERINO: Although, I also have to say I was very impressed that Kayliegh McEnany knows less about illegal drugs than I do, and I salute you for that.

GUTFELD: Wow. That hurt. All right, Tucker, what do you think so far of this show?

TUCKER CARLSON, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Wow. If you stay around Fox, don't mess with Dana Perino, she's nice but sharp. Look, it's your first show, I don't want to be, you know, I don't want to be critical. I want to highlight the positives. I think there are some, there are some low points too. But I would, I just want to start with something that almost nobody ever acknowledges, which is your studio audience. And unlike, a lot of studio audiences, they're not hyenas.

No, I'm serious. There's not a lot of forced to go fine. You know, there's a lot of restraint. There's some tittering, there's some like chuckling. You know what I mean? Yes, and so for that, for the kind of realistic nature of their responses, I give them a 10. You go, studio audience. So, I also want to compliment Kat Timpf, for the regulatory nature of her participation. She just submitted on television and the host missed it somehow, but that she's free-based Parmesan cheese.

TIMPF: No, I did not.

CARLSON: You know, even in a moment where everyone's admitting -- I think you did. You know, nobody kind of holds back.

(CROSSTALK)

CARLSON: But to admit that you smoked Parmesan cheese through a crack pipe? You go, Kat Timpf. I want to party with you. As to the question, I know you're, I know you're asking and you're like, well, what about the guy whose name is on the show, the anchor as it were? I just want to say I'm not being critical at all. I like the exclamation point. I think it's emphatic, it's bold. It's vigorous, and I'm just speaking particularly if that punctuation mark, and I want to affirm it with another one. OK. And I'll stop there.

TIMPF: I have not smoked Parmesan cheese. Catnip is another story, and that was an accident.

GUTFELD: So, Mr. Kilmeade, what are your thoughts on this show?

BRIAN KILMEADE, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Well, I'm not going to stoop to giving numbers. I am not, I don't have a figure skating background. I've not been to gymnastics international competitions. But I'll say this, there's a little bit too much you. I thought it'd be more about the panel. I wish there was such emphasis on you.

And my problem was, I had such high hopes for the show. I think you I went up to you last week, and I said, Greg, you're going to do great. And then I watched it, and I'm thinking to myself, what was I thinking? There's one thing I noticed about late night television is they don't criticize each other anymore. Colbert goes on each other's show. They go and host each other award shows. And within three minutes, you alienated Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, the guy from "The Daily Show" I forgot his name.

Then you went alienated Delta, Coke baseball, Brian Williams, CNN. So, every late night host. You're supposed to be the unifier of bring America together. I see an A-plus panel. I see a very handsome audience. You're right, a legitimate audience, no legitimate left track. And then, I see you Greg, and I'm saying to myself, is there going to be a guest host, let's say you get injured or you run a fever, because everything's there, the set is there, I just don't hear the questions. The punctuation the humor, the smile, the outfit it all just below average. And I wish it could be different --

GUTFELD: My favorite story of the day, next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: The shipping may be free but their workers have to wee. There's a reason to be glad delivery men aren't touching your doorbell. Amazon has apologized for denying their drivers pee in bottles while making deliveries, because it turns out they do. This all started when a Wisconsin congressman tweeted at the company, "Paying workers $15.00 an hour doesn't make you, you a progressive workplace when you union bust and make workers urinate in water bottles."

To which Amazon replied, "You don't really believe the peeing in bottles thing, do you?" Several drivers then came forward to say yes, they bottle peed. Can't believe I'm saying peed all the time. So, Amazon walked back the tweet saying it was focused on the warehouses, not the drivers. I agree that it can be hard to find a public restroom, especially when your road trip buddy is as lazy as my roommate, Jeff. To be that cat, you know, Kat.

TIMPF: That's me.

GUTFELD: Oh, yes. All right. So, this, I happen to think that this is -- the story is unfair to the drivers who are, you know, they're, you know, they're driving they have to use this facilities. So, they need to whatever. I don't even know how to discuss.

TIMPF: Well, that was an excellent question, Greg. Look, I just, you know, what are the chicks drivers do?

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: If I was going to try and pee into a bottle, I would just pee on myself instead of trying to pee on the bottle and then ending up peeing on myself. Just skip a step.

GUTFELD: Oh, boy. I don't know if this is the best topic for the first show.

RUBIN: Do you know that Kayleigh was the White House Press Secretary just three months ago for God's sake.

MCENANY: On the topic of pee. I have to tell you this.

GUTFELD: OK.

MCENANY: I was on fire with you recently, I had this one more thing coming up. My daughter has been learning bad behavior from you. I kid you, I kid you not, I have a video of her. What is the lion say? Rawr? What does Greg Gutfeld say? She goes like this and goes pee. So, this is just reinforcing that behavior.

GUTFELD: I have to tell you that the, that hot mic moment was the best way to have a hot mic moment. Because I could have said so many other things that could have got me fired and the fact that it was just a normal biological function, Dave. Dave, do you have any sympathy for Amazon?

RUBIN: I don't have any sympathy for Amazon. But I just want to thank your producers here at Gutfeld, exclamation point, because the system that they built into these seats, so we can be while we're talking to you and not even make a move, pretty great, man.

MCENANY: But women's --

TYRUS: Wait a minute, you got a system? I got to use that. It's not even fair.

GUTFELD: There has to be, though, an invention. I mean, I've seen them in mail order. But there has to be a way to solve this from because we, America is made of roads. And this is just an, this is a problem that's been around for years, and no one's fixed --

TIMPF: America is made of roads, by Greg Gutfeld.

TYRUS: This is America, Jack, and if that was my question -- listen, I'm just going to be real, I support it, I understand it, I get it. you're driving, you got to make your time. If you get out of the car, and you pee on the side of the highway, someone's going to see it. And they're going to take a picture of it, and you're, you're done because you're exposing yourself to public. Two, if you don't have your mask handy, and you go into the bathroom, you got to wait six feet and the only one person in the bathroom at the same time. So, you don't want to do that either. So, they do the best thing they can.

MCENANY: But did you see Amazon's excuses? We thought you were talking about the supply line. That's why we denied this happening. We didn't realize you're talking about the cars, that happens all the time.

TYRUS: You drive and you got to make that time.

MCENANY: Yes.

TYRUS: You know.

GUTFELD: Here. So, because I have solutions all the time, you know, it was in the Third Amendment, Kayleigh?

MCENANY: The Third Amendment, yes.

GUTFELD: Required the quartering of troops during war, right?

MCENANY: Correct.

GUTFELD: I think we need a new amendment where people, if you're a driver for Amazon or UPS or like we, the people in the community are obliged to let you guys, let them use your restroom.

TIMPF: I always do that anyway. Do you want to hang out for a little bit?

GUTFELD: That's sad. Very sad. Very sad. I don't know. I have nothing else to say about this, Dave. So, if you have anything you want to wrap up?

RUBIN: This was a piss poor segment.

GUTFELD: Yes, it was. It was.

MCENANY: Blake will not be watching this.

GUTFELD: All right. Got to go. We'll be right -- got to go. We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: "THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED THE FINAL THOUGHTS OK."

GUTFELD: Yes. All right. Kayleigh, big day tomorrow.

MCENANY: Big day. Tonight, tonight was your big night. Tomorrow's my big day. Starting as co-host of "OUTNUMBERED," and we need you as the one lucky guys soon, please. I know you work late now.

GUTFELD: I'll try doing as long as we get to do that Amazon pee story. That'll go really well at noon. Dave?

RUBIN: Greg, I want to congratulate you on your first show. You are one of the few select late night shows hosts who have not been in blackface so that's very exciting.

GUTFELD: That you know of.

RUBIN: That we know of. And I started a tech company called Locals.com, so people should check it out.

GUTFELD: Yes, Locals. I'm on Locals. Kat, speaking of?

TIMPF: I will just say, if you liked it, I was serious. If you did not, I was joking.

GUTFELD: That's a good motto for life.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: All right, Tyrus.

TYRUS: All right, man, I got a busy week. Got "THE AMERICA'S NEWSROOM" tomorrow. "OUTNUMBERED" Wednesday. (INAUDIBLE) show news. Bam, in the NWA. I'm busy. I'm back. Happy to be back in the real world.

GUTFELD: Is this the real world or is it just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality? Open your eyes. I can't remember the rest.

RUBIN: That was pretty good.

GUTFELD: Kayliegh, Dave, Kat, Tyrus, thank you studio audio. We'll see you back here tomorrow. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.

END

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