Hillary Clinton's fake Southern accent gets lost in translation

Democratic presidential candidate, former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton leaves The Main Street Bakery after speaking to Frederic Hunt, minister of the First Calvary Baptist Church, Wednesday , May 27, 2015, in Columbia, S.C. (AP Photo/Richard Shiro)

Hillary Clinton went down to Dixie this week and tried to pull off a faux Southern accent. Sweet Lord Almighty,  folks – it was pitiful.

Miss Hill’ry was drawling and dropping “g’s” all over the stage during a speech to Democrats in South Carolina – the Palmetto State.

I was surprised Miss Hill’ry didn’t show up at her campaign rally in bare feet, waving a cast iron skillet and singing Dixie.

Clearly, Miss Hill’ry has mastered the art of speaking from both sides of her mouth – but she still needs to work on her drawl.

“Hillary Clinton’s southern twang is back,” announced New York Times writer Maggie Haberman on Twitter.

The folks over at Hot Air crafted a spot-on analysis of Miss Hill’ry’s politically expedient dialect in a story titled, “Hillary’s Fake Southern Accent is Back.”

The problem is that it’s not a very good Southern accent. It’s almost like her linguistic advisors made her watch every episode of “The Beverly Hillbillies.”

“It’s ce-ment pond, not cement pond, ma’am. And it’s ‘pert near’ not ‘pretty near.’”

Folks, I’m a native of Tennessee – the Volunteer State. And there’s nothing more unpleasant to the ear than a phony Southern accent. It’s downright disrespectful and a bit condescending. But because she’s Miss Hill’ry – the mainstream media laughs off her faux dialect.

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GOP strategist Rick Wilson offered this spot-on analysis via Twitter: “Just for ONE SECOND imagine Ted or Marco or Jeb doing a speech somewhere and speaking in an exaggerated fake accent.”

Imagine, indeed.

The truth is that lady couldn’t tell the difference between a collard green and a turnip green. She probably thinks fat back is something a personal trainer can help you get rid of. And heaven only knows how she would smoke a pork butt.

Clearly, Miss Hill’ry has mastered the art of speaking from both sides of her mouth – but she still needs to work on her drawl.

Therefore, I propose a crash course in Southern Living 101 – and there’s no better place than Monroe, Louisiana – home of the Duck Commander.

Miss Kay could teach Miss Hill’ry the finer points of frying up a batch of frog legs. Mr. Phil could provide her with a briefing on the morale decline of America. And Uncle Si could regale her with pearls of Southern wisdom.

Or I could just brew up a jug of my special recipe sweet tea. One swig is all it would take to put a little drawl in her “y’all.”

That being said, I’m afraid we should prepare for more of Hillary’s dispatches from the Deep South as she tries to bond with all of us folks down on the farm.

So don’t be terribly surprised if you run into her slinging hash browns at the Waffle House or plunking a banjo at the Grand Ole’ Opry.

We have a saying back home, “Bless your Heart.” It can either be used to convey sincere empathy or it means you’re an idiot. It takes a true Southerner to know the difference.

So on behalf of all of us country folks, bless your pea-pickin’ heart, Miss Hill’ry.