Christianity challenge: What happens when the normal scuffles in wedded bliss turn to relationship trauma?

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By its very nature, love is sacrificial. For Christians, the ultimate example of sacrificial love is Jesus dying on the cross.  

The closest mere humans can come to living sacrificially here on Earth is in marriage. 

There are no perfect unions in matrimony, however. The give and take of tying the knot requires each individual to give up a lot of the autonomy he or she may have enjoyed while single.

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But what happens when the normal scuffles in wedded bliss turn to relationship trauma?

Christian author Lysa TerKeurst left her marriage of nearly three decades, even after renewing her vows a few years ago. It was devastating emotionally, she said, but also noted it was a necessary and healthy decision. 

What happens when the normal scuffles in wedded bliss turn to relationship trauma? Christian author Lysa TerKeurst says she left a marriage of nearly three decades. It was devastating emotionally, she revealed in a new interview — but the right thing for her to do, she said. (iStock)

She said, "I realized I didn't give up on my marriage. I didn't walk away from my marriage. I chose to accept reality."

Psychologists say that aside from death, a divorce is the greatest heartbreak a person can experience. 

TerKeurst agreed with that, saying her divorce broke her heart "into a million pieces."

But TerKeurst, a best-selling author, put what she learned from her agony and subsequent healing into a new book, "Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are."

On the "Lighthouse Faith" podcast, she explained how setting boundaries actually creates freedom — and better relationships.  

Lauren Green, chief religion correspondent for Fox News Channel, hosts the "Lighthouse Faith" podcast. Her most recent guest was Christian author Lysa TerKeurst, who talked about her new book, "Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are." (Fox News)

"I'm convinced more relationships die not because we attempt boundary conversations, but because we refuse to have the conversations that were so needed."

Yet setting boundaries in relationships can be an act of love, especially in marriage. 

Calling out a mate, in a loving way, on toxic behavior could save that person and the relationship.

In the world of faith, divorce is a touchy subject. 

In the world of faith, divorce is a touchy subject. Many Christians tout the insolubility of the marriage union, citing Jesus's words in the Gospel of Matthew: "But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery" (Matthew 5:32 ESV).

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Still, even Jesus shows there are good reasons, though not a requirement, for divorce: sexual immorality.

"God intends a married couple to become so close physically, emotionally and spiritually that they are as ‘one flesh,'" said one Christian website. "When something so serious comes between them that they can no longer be ‘one,’ their marital bond has broken. This brokenness is a harsh reality that the marriage is over. Many times, marriages end in brokenness even before someone decides to file for divorce."

Adultery, addiction, abuse and abandonment can be grounds for ending even a biblical marriage. (iStock)

Adultery, addiction, abuse and abandonment are grounds for ending even a biblical marriage.

But then there's the case of the prophet Hosea in the Old Testament. God instructs Hosea to marry an unfaithful woman named Gomer. How unfaithful was she? Theologians note that one of the names of a child she bore Hosea, which when translated means, "not mine." 

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However, Bible scholars also say God's instructions to Hosea to love this woman, even buying her back from being auctioned off as a slave, was not to force the prophet to stay in a relationship with an adulterous woman to show us that love endures all in an earthly marriage. 

The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob was reminding them that, like marriage, they are in a covenantal relationship with Him, an intimate bond of both law and love.

Rather, it was to show the nation of Israel what they'd done to God, how they had treated Him by worshiping other gods. 

The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob was reminding them that, like marriage, they are in a covenantal relationship with Him, an intimate bond of both law and love.

Dr. Gary Chapman says problems center around love languages. We all have a primary love language, he says, in which we give and want to receive love.  (iStock)

It is a legally binding relationship — but one founded on love. And that their disobedience was not just breaking God's laws, it was breaking God's heart.

So it bears repeating that while sacrificial love is the example Jesus sets for all Christians, there's a difference, says TerKeurst.

"When Jesus says that we are to lay down our lives for our friends — and Jesus certainly modeled that; He laid down his life — but Jesus laid down His life to accomplish a high and holy purpose, not to enable bad behavior to continue."

"I remembered I'd made a promise to myself to never again diminish the best of who I am, to cover up the worst of who someone else is."

TerKeurst said of her own marriage, "I remembered I'd made a promise to myself to never again diminish the best of who I am, to cover up the worst of who someone else is."

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She also said, "I can love him and I can be there for him … and I had to acknowledge I'm not his savior."

The website Lawyers.com says that 41% of all first marriages end in divorce. But then 60% of second marriages will fail and 73% of third marriages will end in divorce.

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the best-selling book, "The Five Love Languages," says the higher divorce rate for second and third marriages is usually because people avoid facing the problems of the first marriage and take those same issues into subsequent relationships. 

When couples don't understand their mates' love language, communications break down and "love tanks" are empty, says Gary Chapman.  (iStock)

He says the problems center on the issue of love languages. He says we all have a primary love language in which we give and want to receive love. The five, he says, are Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. There are also quite a few dialects within those languages as well.

Chapman says that when couples don't understand their mates' love language, communications break down and "love tanks" are empty. 

Spouses who have affairs or addictions are seeking to fill their "love tanks" in ways that are destructive to not only to themselves, but to their marriage. They may even blame their mates.

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But sometimes a mate may be beyond the help of breaking through a simple language barrier.

TerKeurst said she learned some basic rules of setting boundaries. 

"If we implement a boundary and then we keep dropping that boundary, we're training the other person to never take us seriously."

First is facing reality, she said. You can't fix what you never acknowledge. Second is take a step back and cooling down. Next is accepting that there's going to be consequences. Things could change — and that's a risk. 

One of the most important things is to communicate with love. 

And last, hold to your convictions. 

TerKeurst said, "If we implement a boundary and then we keep dropping that boundary, we're training the other person to never take us seriously."

As an illustration of that, TerKeurst said, "If you and I were together and one of us had a cardiac event, of course we would rush to the other person and start doing chest compressions to try to sustain life. And that is a noble and wonderful thing to do, to rush to someone and using external pressure, try to create a dynamic where sustainability is feasible."

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She added, "But at some point, if that person's heart doesn't start to quicken and beat on its own, you cannot sustain another person's life by using external pressure to change [that person]. And never have you seen two friends walking around a mall, one doing chest compressions on another person."

Ask, said TerKeurst, "Where am I failing to put boundaries around myself to keep myself sane, stable and safe?"

She went on, "And so that's what I had to finally realize … [It] was not going to be a sustainable dynamic."

TerKeurst is founder of Proverbs 31 Ministry, an international online faith resource for women. It's named after the famous Proverb in the Old Testament extolling the qualities of "an excellent wife," that she is "far more precious than jewels." 

The final two verses sums up the list of attributes: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruits of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates."

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While the Proverbs are aimed at educating men on the virtues of womanhood, women can learn from it as well — not so much how to be dutiful wives, but how women, in serving God first, can bring order out of chaos in a marriage or relationship.

TerKeurst said, "Because where there's chaos, there is a need for a boundary, and we have to take a step back instead of just saying, 'I can't take this anymore' — which may be the case, maybe you've hit that point, you can't take it anymore."

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But instead of taking a leap, she said take a few wise steps — and ask: "Where am I failing to put boundaries around myself to keep myself sane, stable and safe?"