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World’s first 'plant hotel' opens in London

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This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," August 17, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC HOST: Hey, Don, I heard Greenland is looking for a king. They want a new monarch with dictatorial powers, and you get like 10 planes, I heard. I heard you could totally do that if you gave up being President and you went there and asked them. I hear they're super interested in you. I mean, because you're going to play a joke on him. Right? Tell him that. Tell them there's like a secret compartment in the presidential limousine that always has hot, Big Macs in it.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: What?

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Tragedy in the Trump world. They finally lost this guy.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, FORMER WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR: I think you have to go consider a change at the top of the ticket when someone is acting like this.

He has a nihilistic way to his personality. So the minute you say something he doesn't like, he figures that he can intimidate you like a bully.

There's a pernicious evil in trying to divide the country.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So many big words.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Yet the voluntarily foul mouthed guy who the media saw as this non-serious butthead is now finally being treated as a serious butthead.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Because he turned on Trump. It's the strange new respect rule. The people who can't stand you will lavish you with attention once you jump ship and the turncoat, he craves it.

So, now he is on CNN and MSNBC who treat him like an Oracle held together with hair gel.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: As he hopes that one day, he'll end up on "Real Housewives of Coney Island."

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: It's so good. He is now among the other desperate oddballs -- Boot, Rubin, Walsh -- they roam the countryside more affected by Trump than the Trump supporters they demean because this is less about the acceptance of Trump than it is a rejection of them.

Mooch is best known for being close to power for 13 seconds.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Mayflies lasted longer in the White House, and that's the motivating factor. After all, Trump has never changed, but The Mooch, the limelight is fading, and that taste of stardom was so delicious. But Trump has moved on. He now wants to buy Greenland.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That is awesome.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And it's no surprise, he is a real estate guy. He probably wants to buy it so he can flip it.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Add some granite countertops and a sub-zero fridge. Some nice bathroom amenities. Done. It leads me to wonder, do you love cranes or trucks?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: I love cranes. I love trucks of all types. Even when I was a little boy at four years old, my mother would say, "You love trucks." I do. I always love trucks. I still do nothing changes. Sometimes, you know you might become President, but nothing changes. I still love trucks.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Nothing changes. But what about the rain?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: I said don't worry about the rain. Do we have umbrellas? Don't worry about the rain. Umbrellas work very well.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It's so true. He speaks the truth about the umbrella. And what did we send them? Wheat?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: We send them wheat. That's not a good deal. And they don't even want our wheat. They do it because they want us to at least feel that we're okay. You know they do it to make us feel good.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Goodness. And all of a sudden it stops the wind.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: All of a sudden it stops the wind and the televisions go off. And your wives and husbands say, "Darling, I want to watch Donald Trump on television tonight." But the wind stopped blowing and I can't watch. There is no electricity in the house, darling.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Remember when the city used to build little pieces?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: The city used to build little pieces, a little here, a little piece there, a little piece here, a little piece there. A few years later little piece here.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: And what about your campaign manager? I hear he is really tall.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: ... is now our campaign manager. And he's one of the tallest human beings I've ever seen. It's nice when you don't have to look for anybody. You just look over and you see a guy who is twice as tall as everyone.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But whether you love him or hate him, you've got to vote for him.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Whether you love me or hate me, you've got to vote for me.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So what is the Democratic strategy? To be boring. Thursday's "Washington Post" claims what people want is the opposite of Trump. Someone not so exhausting, who doesn't force you to think constantly about politics.

No, I get it. Promising serenity is persuasive. Going from Trump to say Biden, it's like putting on that comfy sweater after a weekend of wearing nothing, but leather chaps.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I know that feeling. But it's BS. Remember, these are the same people who made politics personal and failed at it. So now they're tired of politics interfering with their gloomy personal lives.

Screw you. Now, you know how we've felt since the 1960s. The left has been injecting politics into everything -- sports, movies, bedrooms -- everywhere we go, we're being lectured about how we're complicit and evil. Use a straw, you hate sea turtles. Play catch with your kid, you reinforce gender stereotypes. Workout at Equinox, you're obviously Satan.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So this, Trump is so exhausting, is just BS. Based on the fact that the BS-sers finally now have real opposition. It's like when they talk of polarization. That's code for "Remember the good old days when there was just one side." Yes, polarization requires an adversary before Trump. Republicans didn't have one that could beat the ugliness coming from that other side.

Before Trump, libs could crap on you day and night. Now the Republicans have got a crap cannon.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And it ain't never going to stop shooting crap at them. Of course, now they pretend to want normalcy as they intensify their own campaign of demonization. They keep widening the target. It's not Trump, who is the problem? It's also the people around him and his family and the people who voted for him and people who didn't vote for him, but supportive and people who watch him on TV and people who don't foam at the mouth when he is mentioned and the people who aren't actively resisting him.

It's a combination trade and race war, the left now punishes half the population by targeting, smearing, doxing any businesses that might employ anyone who would support Trump. One wonders how far this could go?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TOM SHILLUE, HOST: What are you eating?

STEVE: Macadamia nuts. You want some?

SHILLUE: No, okay. Macadamia nuts are grown in Hawaii. You know what else is in Hawaii? A Trump International Hotel. Hawaii directly benefits from that hotel. So no, I will not be having any of your macadamia nuts. Is that a Flyer shirt?

STEVE: Yes, favorite team?

SHILLUE: Wow. Just wow.

STEVE: What?

SHILLUE: Flyers in Philadelphia. It's in Pennsylvania, a state Trump one in 2016. Nice endorsement of white supremacy.

STEVE: Okay, well, what's that huh?

SHILLUE: This?

STEVE: Yes.

SHILLUE: You mean my Captain America action figure?

STEVE: Oh, you mean Marvel's Captain America action figure, the same Marvel whose CEO, Isaac Perlmutter gave money to Donald Trump this year.

SHILLUE: What's that? A bandana? Nice bandana man, just like the one worn by Bret Michaels in "Celebrity Apprentice" hosted by Donald Trump.

STEVE: Okay, well, what about your shoes, huh? Aren't those the same shoes that were on 49th Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenue where "Saturday Night Live" is filmed? The same "SNL" that gave Donald Trump a platform by letting him host the show twice.

SHILLUE: What about your five-year-old's drawings? Look at them. They obviously used Crayola Crayons. Crayola Crayons owned by Hallmark which owns Hallmark Channel which aired a film called "Broadcasting Christmas Story" known Trump supporter, Dean Cain.

STEVE: How dare you?

SHILLUE: Is that a kilt? You know Trump's mother is Scottish.

STEVE: Fine.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Steve, are we not kilt Thursday?

STEVE: Yes. Thanks Trump.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guest. He is so sharp, children are not allowed to run with him. Author and political commentator and host of "The Mark Steyn Show." Mark Steyn.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Even his epitaph will make you laugh comedian, Joe Machi.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: She is funny and smart and a little bit tart, host of "Sincerely, Kat" on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: And if you follow in his footsteps, you may need a ladder to get out, my massive sidekick, host of "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: We covered a lot here Mark. Feel free to comment on anything. Scaramucci, Greenland, the new trade war against Americans by Americans -- anything?

MARK STEYN, AUTHOR AND COLUMNIST: I've got to go back to that pre-credits thing, right? I've never seen Rachel Maddow telling a joke before.

(Laughter)

STEYN: She's got that whole Hillary bobble head. You know when Hillary tells a joke. Rachel Maddow has got the whole Hillary -- and even you know on this -- because what was she saying? She says, "Oh, Trump wants to buy Greenland so he can be the king." You need to try this. This is like all the professional comics there.

(Laughter)

STEYN: That's why they're so exhausted by Trump.

GUTFELD: Right.

STEYN: And they haven't got the discipline to be boring. When they say make America boring again, as you say, for decades, they've insisted their guys are fascinating, like Clinton, Obama, even Al Gore, they put them on the cover of "Vanity Fair," "Vogue," "Rolling Stone." They pretend they're celebrities.

GUTFELD: Right.

STEYN: Even Beto, they put on the cover of "Vanity Fair." Beto who thinks Instagramming himself having ear hair removed.

GUTFELD: Yes.

STEYN: It is interesting. And that's the point about politics, I think is they did boring things that the media represented to us as glamorous.

So like, Beto O'Rourke's ear hair is glamourous in a way that Bob Dole's hair isn't.

GUTFELD: Yes.

STEYN: Even though I would bet he has actually got a lot more of it. And so I think they've done -- it takes guts and courage to have the conviction of your own boringness. And they don't have the integrity to be as completely boring as they should be.

GUTFELD: Yes.

STEYN: I'm going to try it for the rest of the show.

(Laughter)

STEYN: It's going quite well so far.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Yes, you've got a head start.

STEYN: Yes.

GUTFELD: All right, Joe, what are you excited about? Greenland? Are you excited about anything?

JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: I'll tell you what, it's been a roller coaster for Greenland. Because if you read what Trump actually said, it was in the meeting, and someone said, "Denmark is having a lot of trouble with how much they have to spend on Greenland," and someone said, "You should buy it." And he said, "Is that even possible? What do you think?"

He at no point said he was going to buy Greenland. But people in Greenland were offended at the idea that America wanted to buy them. You should be so lucky.

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Kat, thoughts?

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: I just don't understand why there's such a consensus among Democrats that apparently what they need to beat Donald Trump is a boring candidate. If that were the case, Hillary Clinton would have won in 2016.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I mean, she's boring, and it's actually impressive that she manages to be so boring, because usually people who have been the subject of involved criminal investigations are at least a little bit exciting.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: She's like, the most boring criminal ever.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: You know, like I have eaten rice cakes with more pizzazz. So I just think that maybe they should think about that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: You know, but they don't.

GUTFELD: No, they don't. What about you, Tyrus? Last word.

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, CONTRIBUTOR: I'm just -- I'm so -- oh, man, I haven't laughed this hard since I was a little school girl, man.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: In my lifetime growing up, I've witnessed and read a lot of history about racism and stuff, but this white racist stuff is awesome. We're going to buy white people. This is amazing. We're going to show up and go, "Get your little white end in the truck. Let's go. You've been bought."

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Like this -- I mean, wow. We've come -- we've got to back up. This is amazing. We're about to buy some white people. Awesome. Let's do it.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: You always put a unique spin on this.

MURDOCH: Yes, I was just -- this is awesome. All white men, nope, and buying -- that's all awesome. Greenland.

GUTFELD: Greenland.

MURDOCH: It's smart.

GUTFELD: All right, I look forward to our 51st state.

TIMPF: I always thought those people were green.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: No, stop there. All right, lots more to come. Which candidate had the best week? How about none of them?

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: And now, “The Greg Gutfeld Show” presents, the 2020 CAN'T-idates.

GUTFELD: A teeth cleaning didn't help. A haircut didn't help. "Vanity Fair" really didn't help. So Beto relaunched his campaign a third time this week by changing something flatter than his poll numbers -- a tire.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: He's really weird. Not only does he want to be just like you, he wants to be just like Manny, Moe and Jack.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: All the candidates want to just be like you. Watch Mayor Pete go down a slide. Wee. Slides are fun. No, it's no fun being leader of the free world, buddy. Now watch Kamala call bingo at the senior center. What could be more endearing than a visit with a nice sweet senior.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

SEN. KAMALA HARRIS, D-CALIF., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: We're going to pay for it because right now, let me tell you something, we're all paying for healthcare for everyone and it's in an emergency room.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Leave our healthcare system alone.

HARRIS: Okay.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We don't want you to mess with it.

HARRIS: I want to make sure your healthcare is really good. So I promise you that. Okay? I won't mess with the healthcare that you have.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That elderly lady had more energy than Joe.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And she's younger. They should run her. The 2020 race also lost this guy.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. JOHN HICKENLOOPER, D-COLO.: Today, I'm ending my campaign for President. But I will never stop believing that America can only move forward when we work together.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I think William Devane sat on that very same porch and tried to sell me gold.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So Hickenlooper is gone, but this guy still lurks.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO, D-NYC, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: The tall candidate almost always win.

TREVOR NOAH, TALK SHOW HOST: Okay.

DE BLASIO: And I'm taller than Donald Trump.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, he's right. Here he is playing the piano.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Poor man. Oh, so Joe, what are your thoughts of the candidates? How do you feel about Kamala or Beto?

MACHI: Oh, I'll tell you what. When you're live streaming yourself changing a tire, I have to wonder, how boring do you think the internet is?

(Laughter)

MACHI: I'm not going to watch that. I'll be on Steven Seagal's Wikipedia page. Thank you very much.

(Laughter)

MACHI: And he's relaunching his campaign, again. That's like relaunching the Titanic after it hit the iceberg. I can tell you how this one ends, Leonardo DiCaprio dies. I just saved you all a good cry.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Funny, I didn't cry when that happened.

MACHI: I didn't either, Greg.

GUTFELD: Kat, thoughts on the Can't-idates?

TIMPF: Yes, the whole Bill de Blasio saying he's going to win because he is tall thing was quite interesting, because you know, things are going well when your best asset is something that all the other candidates could also have if they just invested in a pair of stilts. Right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: But it's like -- and he might be right about the whole, the taller person usually wins. But I bet all those people had something that he does not have, which is that literally everyone did not hate them.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: They were probably famous for something other than running a very expensive city that still somehow smells like trash.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And I'm just sick in general of the candidates. You know, trying to show how much they're like me to get me to vote for them.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: I don't want this country run by me.

GUTFELD: No, neither do I.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: No.

TIMPF: I don't even know where my socks are.

GUTFELD: Tyrus? Do you know where your socks are?

MURDOCH: Yes, they're all my damn feet.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I'm going to have to hit them with some tough love.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Okay, first of all, y'all remember "Christmas Story." Remember that? Remember how dad changed the tire?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Unless you change a tire like that, you don't video it? Eight seconds.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Not 45 minutes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: I shouldn't hear the sound of tools. Second, if you're going down the slide at a park as a grown ass man by yourself. You're a creep. You're not cool.

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Got a point.

MURDOCH: So -- and obviously, for those who are watching the show, I've been warning about old white people for a long time. They are tricksters. You cannot trust them. She goes up, she asked her a question -- what does she do? Stabs her in the back.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: You cannot trust. You've got to wait until seven o'clock until those things are asleep.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: It's hard. Just keeping it real, Greg.

GUTFELD: You are definitely -- Mark, thoughts?

STEYN: She did walk into that nonagenarian trap, right? I was guest hosting for Tucker all this week. So, I've had all these fine producers, e-mailing me all this political stuff every day. And this gets back to what you were saying that the Democrats want to be boring.

And politics is boring. And so when you wake up in the morning and the first thing they've sent you is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana going down a slide, and as you say, it's creepy because everyone else on the slide is 40 years younger than him.

(Laughter)

STEYN: Then the next thing I get is Andrew Yang during a jazzercise class.

(Laughter)

STEYN: How many of you have ever seen Andrew Yang during a jazzercise class?

GUTFELD: I saw it today.

STEYN: He moves at the jazzercise class like Rachel Maddow telling a joke. And that's a problem. But politics is presented -- there's nothing interesting about seeing a grown man eat a corn dog. There's nothing interesting about seeing --

TIMPF: I beg to differ. I live for it.

STEYN: You might be eating corn dog while doing your jazzercise class.

GUTFELD: There you go.

STEYN: I would see --

GUTFELD: I would watch that in a heartbeat. It's interesting. You know, Joe Biden is essentially like the mother and psycho. They're keeping her in the attic until the very end. And it's played by Anthony Perkins. Up next. Cuomo says "No mo about Fredo."

(Cheering and Applause)

AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie. An 11th weekend now protesting in Hong Kong. Riot police deployed Saturday evening at several locations across the city. Protesters gathering outside one police station shining laser pointers at police and also pelting them with eggs. Riot police moved in on many of the protesters that had already melted into a crowd in the densely populated district.

More bloodshed at Afghanistan, a suicide bomb ripping through a wedding hall in Kabul. Dozens of people were killed or wounded. A spokesman for the Interior Ministry there says more than a thousand people have been invited to that wedding. The explosion coming just days after the end of the Eid al-Adha, a holiday period. It broke more than a week of calm in the capital. No word yet on who is behind the attack. I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to “The Greg Gutlfeld Show.”

GUTFELD: You got hot and bothered over some guy than "The Godfather." CNN's Chris Cuomo was caught on camera giving it back hard to some guy who called him Fredo. So what do you say? Let's get after it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CHRIS CUOMO, CNN ANCHOR: Don't [bleep] insult me like that.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What's the problem? I didn't insult you.

CUOMO: What the [bleep] you called me Fredo. It's like I call you punk [bleep], you like that? You want that to be your nickname?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I didn't call you that, I asked you --

CUOMO: You called me Fredo. You know my name is not [bleep] Fredo.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I thought your name was.

CUOMO: You did not think my name was [bleep] Fredo. Don't be a liar. I'll [bleep] ruin your [bleep]. I'll [bleep] throw you down these stairs like [bleep] punk.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Please do.

CUOMO: Why? So you can [bleep] sue? So you can [bleep] sue? So you can [bleep] sue?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why don't you do it then?

CUOMO: Take a swing, if you want to call me Fredo, take a [bleep] swing.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm not going to swing at you.

CUOMO: Take a [bleep] swing.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Is it wrong to be aroused? So the video goes everywhere, Trump not only tweets about it, his campaign starts selling a shirt with Cuomo's picture on it --

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That says, "Fredo Unhinged." But is Fredo a slur. Italian- Americans say no according to "The New York Post" and come on, it's nowhere near the equivalent of the N-word as Cuomo maintains.

Fredo was the weaker, less intelligent brother in a movie. So Fredo is an insult to weaker, less intelligent brothers. You know, kind of the way calling someone Darth Vader is an insult to absent fathers who sound a lot like James Earl Jones wearing a scuba regulator.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Or calling someone Hannibal is an insult a well-read serial killing cannibals. Or calling someone Scarface as an insult to a highly successful and motivated coke dealers. Or calling someone Frodo is an insult a spry little fellows from Middle Earth.

And you ask what if he is the weaker brother of Frodo? Fredo Frodo.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Tyrus, I'm going to ask you. He likens the term to the N-word. I would assume you have to --

MURDOCH: I am going to give him the nay-no on that one. But again, this has never been a better time to be black. I mean, why people are inventing racist names for each other. For years, we had like white bread, and like honky. Like that didn't really work. They go like, "That's funny. What is that?"

But Fredo apparently, we have to bleep it out, are we bleeping Fredo out?

GUTFELD: No, we are not bleeping Fredo.

MURDOCH: We're not bleeping Fredo, not yet? But real quick.

(Cheering and Applause)

MURDOCH: Real quick. I don't have a problem with what he did. Someone came at him, he is with his family. You've got to defend yourself.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: But I have a problem with his language. I'm going to teach him and everyone else if you're in a situation where someone comes at you because they disagree with your political beliefs, you have to be able to hit them back to where they get confused and leave you alone because if you hit him, you get sued, like the guy wanting him thrown down the stairs, right?

So Joe, would you volunteer for me for a sec.

MACHI: Sure.

MURDOCH: All right.

MACHI: Let's do this.

MURDOCH: Say something aggressive to me?

MACHI: You sir, are --

MURDOCH: I said say something aggressive.

(Laughter)

MACHI: You are a charlatan?

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

MURDOCH: You've got anything else?

MACHI: You are a large charlatan.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Now instead of hitting him, or say, "I'm going to throw you down the stairs," you get right in the face. Good day, sir. He doesn't know what to do.

(Cheering and Applause)

MURDOCH: Good day, sir. Hit them with a compliment aggressively, the press can't replay that. What happened? "Tyrus, got in my face and he said 'Good day, sir.'" Aggressive compliments, Greg.

GUTFELD: Aggressive compliment. You know, Kat, you've had some confrontations in your life. How do you think Chris handled this?

TIMPF: Yes, I mean, I'm going to refrain from making fun of him. Not because I particularly like him, but because I do particularly like me.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And I need the karma.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like, what if somebody takes the video of me when the deli runs out of egg salad?

GUTFELD: Yes, that's right.

TIMPF: Like I don't throw anyone down the stairs, but I wouldn't necessarily put it on my resume. Especially if it's egg salad Friday. Am I right?

MURDOCH: She loves egg salad.

TIMPF: Am I right? Egg Salad Friday? Look, I don't know. I thought confrontations. And what I've done is cry.

GUTFELD: That works.

MURDOCH: I've seen it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Is that better?

GUTFELD: I think it's better.

TIMPF: Is it better?

GUTFELD: I think it's great to cry because then you get the sympathy vote.

TIMPF: You get the sympathy vote and you release endorphins.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. What do you do? How do you think this -- how did Chris handle this, Mark?

STEYN: Well, I thought he -- I think he's finally found something he is good at. I love -- I love it when he goes, what the [bleep] and [bleep] are you doing [bleep]? The [bleep] button can retire to the Bahamas on that clip over time, and he is not Fredo. He is actually -- because as you explained, Fredo is the weaker brother of Bilbo.

GUTFELD: Right?

STEYN: And so he is the -- but he is still a mobster. So this would be like Fredo's brother and father being governor of New York, but Fredo only being Attorney General. He is Attorney General. He is just hosting some show nobody sees unless they're stuck at Gate 58 at LaGuardia for three hours, and Wolf Blitzer has gone home.

You can take that 92-year-old woman who flicked off Kamala Harris. When it's her 93rd birthday, wouldn't it be great to send her like a novelty birthday gram, where Chris Cuomo comes round and just unleashes -- I believe -- and it's like giving to your grandmother's, your grandparents' diamond wedding anniversary, Why not book Chris Cuomo just to go sub Fredo on them.

Finally found something he's good at. Dana Perino couldn't do that. Shannon Bream could run out of steam after the third F-word. She wouldn't be able to go past it. But Chris Cuomo has finally found his niche as the sub Fredo. It is brilliant.

TIMPF: Maybe that happened to him right after he found out the deli didn't have any more egg salad.

GUTFELD: It could be it. Joe, what do you make of this?

MACHI: Oh, it's Frodo? That's something I have to correct right now. Frodo is from "Lord of the Rings."

MURDOCH: Yes.

MACHI: That's Bilbo's grandson. It's not important.

TIMPF: It is to you.

STEYN: It's actually his nephew.

MURDOCH: It's his nephew. It's his nephew.

MACHI: I do think threatening to throw him down the stairs proved he is more of a Sunny.

MURDOCH: Yes, good call.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: That's what I was thinking.

MACHI: I just think, you know, take the high road. If you don't like Chris Cuomo, don't watch his show like everyone else.

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

MACHI: And I'm part Italian and I'll tell you what, Fredo is not equivalent to the F-word or the N-word plus, we can't have another F-word. We've got two already.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MACHI: We can't just keep adding.

GUTFELD: No, it's true. I get so confused. By the way. The worst insult is to be called a Jan. Right?

TIMPF: I don't -- what is this movie?

GUTFELD: Jan Brady.

MURDOCH: Jan Brady. Marsha --

TIMPF: Is there Adam Sandler in it? Nope. Then I don't care.

GUTFELD: Stick your egg salad. All right. Coming up, dog fishing. Yes, it's a sexy as it sounds.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Will you please be mine if I show you my K9? There's a new dating deception "The Washington Post" is calling dogfishing. It's like catfishing where people pretend to be someone else online, but instead, they just pretend to have a dog.

Dating app users post photos of themselves with a mutt and neglect to say it isn't theirs. I like these stock photos. The ploy works on suckers looking for a nurturing soul or luring dog lovers looking for someone to share their sick passion. It's all a little creepy to me. Speaking of creepy.

(BEGIN CLIP PLAYS)

GUTFELD: I did not know they were doing that. I did not know. But every time we do that, we sell more of your albums.

STEYN: Yes. Better than dog songs, cat song. You can't go wrong with that.

GUTFELD: Yes. Speaking of cats, Kat, dating apps, this is kind of creepy. Has everybody tried this on you?

TIMPF: No. It is absolutely ridiculous that anyone is upset about this.

GUTFELD: Really?

TIMPF: Because people are upset that they're posting pictures of dogs that aren't theirs. Well guess what? Every single person on a dating app is posting a life that is not theirs.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: Believe me. I've been on dating apps and I'll look at a guy's profile, and it's like "Oh, here he is on a mountain. Here he is with a fish. I like this. He is an adventurer." It turns out they were all from the same trip six years ago, and the only adventure he has taken since then is to go upstairs from his mom's basement to get Mountain Dew, so he can play video games for six hours.

And you know what? I'm no saint either. Okay. Anyone who looked at my profile, they think I'm a happy smiley girl who wakes up with long hair. Okay. They don't -- I post the real stuff.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: You know, I don't post the pictures of me crying alone in a McDonald's over the weekend. But if you do date me, that will be a part of our relationship. It's all a lie.

GUTFELD: It's all a lie.

TIMPF: The dog is the least of your problems. You're being a fake person. No one actually dates the person that's on their dating profile. You look at mine, you don't know that I fall asleep holding this. You know, there's no honesty there. The whole thing is a lie.

MURDOCH: She does.

GUTFELD: All right, Joe, is that true? You use dating apps?

MACHI: No, I don't, but I do find this whole premise ridiculous because it said that women find men who have dogs nurturing. Well, that's your first mistake. Just ask Michael Vick or Hitler.

(Laughter)

MACHI: Maybe that was a bad reference. The point is --

GUTFELD: We'll leave it in.

MACHI: The point is -- women are upset when they find out that's not my baby panda bear. But they're much more upset when they meet me and find out I photo shopped my body as well.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Mark, so inevitably, the person on the date will get exposed and then they're going to have to rely on their looks and personality to offset the anger over the deception. But if they had looks and personality, they wouldn't have the deception in the first place.

STEYN: No. No. That's -- but the problem lies -- that's true. But the problem lies with the women because as Joe was saying --

TIMPF: Huh.

STEYN: No, this whole thing rests on the premise that if a guy has a dog, he somehow knows how to treat a woman. There's absolutely -- I've had dogs and I've had women and you treat them completely differently.

(Laughter)

STEYN: If I find myself -- I don't wake up in the morning and take the woman outside into the yard and throw a stick and she scampers along after it and comes back -- it happened once.

(Laughter)

STEYN: So I don't -- I think the entire premise is flawed.

GUTFELD: Tyrus, care to button up this segment.

MURDOCH: Oh man. Man, I don't know I got Hitler and Michael Vick throwing sticks and chicks getting them. Oh man. I'm glad I'm out the game. Listen, lying about who you are goes back way before the internet.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Women have been lying forever. Like Kat is lying right now.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Don't need them, not hers.

TIMPF: No. Well, I bought them, they're mine.

MURDOCH: See. How many guys -- I cannot tell you until I learned about the world of wigs how many times I was disappointed in -- she has beautiful long hair and it hits the ground.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: To me, that's lying.

TIMPF: You know what, that's --

MURDOCH: But they wait until they bring you in.

TIMPF: You should be happy to find a woman who can afford such a nice expensive wig.

MURDOCH: Really?

TIMPF: Yes.

MURDOCH: Really?

TIMPF: Yes.

MURDOCH: That's what you're going to say.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: On that note, we must move on.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Right? The world's first hotel for plants. It gets worse from here.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: They handle the hydration when you're on vacation. London has opened the world's first houseplant hotel to care for your botanical -- whatever, but it is while you're out of town. It's the brainchild of online plant retailer, Patch which offers its hundred room hotel services free of charge.

It's a five star luxury leaf lodge and it's open to all plants. Well, except for Robert. He is a jerk to the help. So the hotel includes free food, personalized attention from an in-house wellness team and a hydration spa treatment. Simply pick a room, drop off your plants and pick them up when you get back. I love this idea because I love plants. My favorite is this one.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: The face plant.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I don't know what happened there. Okay. Joe, do you take care of houseplants? Is this right up your alley?

MACHI: I did when I was a kid. This hotel is competing with kids. I'll say this that would be my nightmare to take my plants to a hotel and come out and see a homeless guy. And he's like, "Can I have some money?" I mean, you're taking your plants to hotel and I'm like, "No."

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

MACHI: Terrible.

GUTFELD: Tyrus? Is this a great scam? I mean, basically it's a greenhouse, it's not a hotel.

MURDOCH: Okay, first of all, the whole point of having a plan is not have to take care of something.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Right? People go, "I don't have cats or kids, I have plants because I throw some water on them, a little sunlight and I'm good." Like, why in blue hell are you -- this is liberal. This is -- you know what, this is what's wrong with America. Oh it's in London. It's not coming over here. It is not coming over here. If I see somebody walking with a plant, "What are you doing?" "I'm taking him to the boarding." I'm smacking it out of his hand.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: And guess what? It's going to be okay. He can put it back in the pot. There's no reason to have someone take care of your plant for a weekend.

GUTFELD: I do think there is a reason. It's for people when they go away and the people have no friends to water their plants. Right? What do you think, Mark?

STEYN: No, I think you're right. It's social atomization. But that is what is behind it, and there will be more of this kind of stuff.

TIMPF: That was what I was going to say. Come on.

MURDOCH: I don't know what word he just said, but I like it.

STEYN: No. I got it -- I got it from Anthony Scaramucci. He said it after he said pernicious and nihilism.

GUTFELD: Yes.

STEYN: No, I like -- I had a rubber tree plant, and I booked it into the Ritz Carlton. I booked it through Trivago.

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

STEYN: I bought my joke from Rachel Maddow.

MURDOCH: No, you didn't. It worked.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Kat?

TIMPF: Plants?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Are too needy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: For the very limited satisfaction that they bring. In case, it's not clear what I'm saying. What I'm saying is let them die.

GUTFELD: Okay, okay. Let them die.

TIMPF: I'm serious. Plants do not hug you when you're crying.

GUTFELD: No.

TIMPF: Okay. Plants do not bring you chicken noodle soup when you're sick. So why are they so much harder to take care of than humans? They are harder. I know you said it was easy, just throw some water on there. You know what? I have, despite my best efforts, and I mean, my very best efforts, every single plant that I've ever had has died. Me, human still alive.

And you know what? I don't even really try that hard to take care of myself.

GUTFELD: No, you don't.

TIMPF: I eat Cheez Whiz.

GUTFELD: Yes. Right from the can.

MURDOCH: Are you sure the plants died or they just gave up?

TIMPF: Committed suicide.

GUTFELD: They gave up.

MURDOCH: They gave up.

GUTFELD: They gave up. Death by hanging around Kat.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: That is a modified joke that you used on "The Five" and I want you to know that.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, enough of you. Get your tickets for "The Gutfeld Monologues Live." The fall tour begins September 14th in Orlando. Then Atlanta, September 15th. Plus shows in Omaha, Jacksonville, Durham and Knoxville. Go to ggutfeld.com for ticket info. "Final Thoughts" next.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: "Final Thoughts." It's the last thought. That's why it's called the "Final Thoughts. Okay.

GUTFELD: We've got time for two, Joe.

MACHI: Oh, you can catch me at the end of the month at Springfield, Missouri's Blue Room Comedy club.

GUTFELD: Oh, excellent. How about you, Kat?

TIMPF: Okay, Dr. Drew and I are going to be at Caroline's on Broadway on August 29th. That's a Thursday. It's at 7:30 p.m. You should get tickets. It's going to be really, really good.

GUTFELD: Oh wow. Well, that was sincere.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Thanks to Mark Steyn, Joe Machi, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.

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