This is a rush transcript from "The Five," October 31, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Hi. I'm Greg Gutfeld, Emily Compagno, Juan Williams, Jesse Watters in a toad stool is her bar stool, Dana Perino. “The Five.”

The media continues to win the brain-dead Olympics, not because of the president but in spite of him.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Not because of the president, but in spite of him.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Perhaps in spite of the president.

CHUCK TODD, HOST, MSNBC: Despite of President Trump --

ERIN BURNETT, HOST, CNN: Despite the president's, quote, "ineptitude" --

CHRIS CUOMO, HOST, CNN: Largely in spite of.

CHRIS MATTHEWS, HOST, MSNBC: Largely in spite of.

CUOMO: And not because of.

MATTHEWS: And not because of Donald Trump.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Anyway, if you thought the Washington Post austere religious scholar obituary for the ISIS mad man was nuts, hold my kibble.

Yesterday the president tweeted an obviously photoshopped image of himself pinning the Medal of Honor on the hero dog. The brainless media sprang into action to prove that yes, this was fake.

Reporter Steve Herman breathlessly tweeted, "I've requested details on this photo come up, there was no such K-9 event on today's schedule." Excellent scoop, Steve, I can't wait to see who plays you in the movie.

The New York Times solemnly added yes, this photo was indeed altered. And then there's Jim Acosta who said a White House official says the dog is not at the White House. Good catch, Jim. Be sure in fact check this photo, too, right there. Yes, it was a great moment for me, I don't like to brag.

Now sensing they were ripe for ridicule the media switched gears saying the image was disrespectful to the man whose image was photoshopped. But that guy, James McCloughan got a kick out of it, he loved it. Of course, he never would have known about it if the reporters hadn't run to him with their tattle tails between their legs.

Mind you, this is the same media who can't be bothered with actual stories whether it's the origins of the Steele dossier or the political bias of the whistleblower, but the media is in a pickle. Because good news about America means good news for Trump. And so, they act smaller with each passing achievement. Maybe Trump shouldn't be so effective, just to give the media a break. It will be like the good old days under Obama.

OK, we have a lot of dog experts here. Dana, we learned the dog -- it's a she. The name is Conan, a little confused by that.

DANA PERINO, HOST: You know, you can't judge.

GUTFELD: It's 2019. The dog is coming to the White House. Trump, I believe should give him a medal. He should actually --

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: Be creative.

GUTFELD: -- he should fulfill the meme and then adopt the dog on the spot.

PERINO: Well, I think -- I do think that he shouldn't have to, obviously that he is going to have him at the White House. I would love him if he recreated it. But I think this dog, he still wants to work.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Right. And we spent about $300,000 training these dogs and so you got to make sure that they are out there doing their job. And then when he retires then the president can take him.

GUTFELD: I don't know if he will like him then. He'll already forget. Move on to another dog.

PERINO: Well, we have lots of good dogs.

GUTFELD: Juan, you were telling me in the green room, how much you despise this dog and America in general?

JUAN WILLIAMS, HOST & POLITICAL ANALYST: Yes. I think you got it right as usual. You know, I think -- I think this is to me a little troubling because it's a sense of, there is a separate reality. The dog is a hero and the man who was originally in the picture is a hero and deserves our respect and all the rest.

GUTFELD: Absolutely.

WILLIAMS: So, for me it was like, is this real? No, no, it's a joke. It's President Trump and he's just playing a joke.

GUTFELD: To stay (Ph) in the wire.

WILLIAMS: Why doesn't everyone just have a good sense of humor? But I think this goes back to something we were talking about yesterday which is the left's frustration with the way that the president announced the al- Baghdadi murder. Killing him, right? Because al-Baghdadi's death is good for our national security.

GUTFELD: Right.

WILLIAMS: It's a good thing that the president approved to this mission. But the way the president talks about it and much like this meme, is it a mem, Jesse?

JESSE WATTERS, HOST: It's a meme, Juan.

WILLIAMS: So much like this meme it then all becomes about Trump. Right? It's all about --

GUTFELD: It's fun.

WILLIAMS: It's not about the special forces -- yes, it's funny in your opinion.

GUTFELD: It's fun. Nobody is also fun.

WILLIAMS: But I don' think so. I think it's not about Special Forces. It's not about the military. It's not about the allies, the Kurds. It's not about admitting that the withdrawal made this operation more difficult for American Special Forces, and it's also Trump then saying, you know, this is bigger than Bin Laden. Come on, get out of here. Why is it only about Trump?

PERINO: But can I just say that the dogs though are the things that bring Americans together. Like there's no politics when it comes to dogs. Everyone loves dogs. It was a -- I think it was a great way to bring America together and we can all celebrate.

GUTFELD: Yes. It was -- I believe, Jesse that the media since 2016 has lost their sense of humor. They don't know how much to begin with. But.

WATTERS: Well, they've lost their common sense, too.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: And that's what makes them senseless. Permission to make an analogy?

GUTFELD: I would love one.

WATTERS: OK. The media is the dog. It's fake and they are chasing their tails around the world just laughing at them. Juan, I've gotten in trouble for saying this before but I don't care and I'm going to say it again. The media is not that smart. They are fact-checking a meme. This was a joke.

WILLIAMS: Yes.

WATTERS: And it went over everyone's head in the media.

WILLIAMS: Yes.

WATTERS: How stupid do you have to be to not understand the joke? They are fact-checking a joke. And we're supposed to trust them the vet's sources.

WILLIAMS: Nobody -- nobody could be sure that it was a joke. Initially they thought he didn't bring the dog in.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Juan. There's a little watermark right there on the right.

WILLIAMS: Yes.

WATTERS: And yes, the president did not give the Medal of Honor to this dog, Juan.

WILLIAMS: Wait, wait a second. That, first of all it's not the Medal of Honor, it's a metal with a dog paw on it.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: OK. Here we go again. So, he's fact-checking it.

WILLIMAS: So, in other words, in other words, people are like, is this for real? Because you know what?

WATTERS: Juan, it's only confusing for people like you.

WILLIAMS: No, I agree. Because you know what? I like reality and truth.

GUTFELD: OK. But here's --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: And not humor though.

PERINO: But does anyone think that President Trump would invite the dog and pin a metal on it and the media wouldn't be there?

GUTFELD: My God.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Yes.

GUTFELD: He's doing it next week. he's doing it.

WATTERS: Next week, the dog is coming.

GUTFELD: You know, Emily, a lot of this has to do with people in the media who don't have many outside interests. Like we all kind of understand photoshop. We've all had to deal with -- like Jim Acosta is like never in his life has ever come across like even the most basic photo shopping.

EMILY COMPAGNO, CONTRIBUTOR: Their world is so small. And I love, you know, you talked about the actual Medal of Honor recipient, the army medic --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: They called him, yes.

COMPAGNO: Right. McCloughan. And you said, he loved it. He thought it was hilarious. His quote was so wonderful, he said he was certainly not offended and he laughed when he saw the two images compared and he interpret it that the president was recognizing the heroism of the dog and that the dog is part of the team.

PERINO: Yes.

COMPAGNO: And I felt like that was a greater metaphor for the mainstream media. They are supposed to be playing for one team. They are supposed to representing one team and that's us. That's every American that doesn't have access to the president and doesn't have access to the Hill and we rely on them to wade through to see the forest for the trees and they fail in their larger perspective.

The big perspective they're supposed to bring us. So instead we get the dog is not at the White House. I mean, it's like what happened in the early days of the internet when I would screenshot and to send it to my mom, like those crazy mixing pictures and she would be like, honey where are you? And I'm like, no, mom, obviously I didn't take that.

And instead, they are losing all of the big perspectives like for everything. Whether it's the opioid crises and homelessness in the southern border to whether this is just a joke in a moment of levity during a period of gratitude for executing the double --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: So, I think that medal is --

PERINO: Is it possible that Jim Acosta was joking?

COMPAGNO: Totally.

GUTFELD: It's hard to tell because he never jokes, he's always angry.

COMPAGNO: Yes.

PERINO: But it is possible that some of these reporters were joking when they --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: No. Let me just say, I disagree with you. Listen, I think by the way that gentleman --

PERINO: I'm trying to help.

WILLIAMS: -- that man in the picture --

WATTERS: Yes, Juan, let her help you.

WILLIAMS: Yes. Well, try. But I'm just going to tell you how I genuinely feel. The man in the picture was gracious.

WATTERS: Yes.

WILLIAMS: I wish that we could see that from our president. But just as Emily's mom said, hey, honey, where are you? Then a lot of Americans will think well, that's the president putting a medal on a dog.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: It's no wonder you guys fell for the Russia hoax.

WILLIAMS: There you go. And it's no joke. That you are still in the hoax. There you go.

GUTFELD: All right. An all-out brawl over impeachment as the Democrats formalize the inquiry, that's next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WATTERS: Democrats impeachment obsession leading to an all-out battle on Capitol Hill. Pelosi and her pals plowing ahead by finally holding a vote on laying down new ground rules about impeachment. The move leading to some very heated exchanges. Take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. NANCY PELOSI, D-CALIF., SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: It's about the truth, it's about the Constitution.

REP. STEVE SCALISE, R-LA: This is Soviet style rules. Don't run a sham process.

REP. JERROLD NADLER, D-N.Y.: They don't want to see a proper investigation.

REP. JIM JORDAN, R-OH: They are trying to impeach the President of the United States less than 13 months before an election.

REP. ADAM SCHIFF, D-CALIF.: No one is above the law.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: And shifty Schiff where he could become a witness. That's right. Republicans say they may call the intel chair to testify.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. DOUG COLLINS, R-GA: Here's my challenge to Mr. Schiff. You want to be Ken Starr, be Ken Stars. Come to the judiciary committee, be the first witness and take every question asked of you.

(APPLAUSE)

COLLINS: Starting with your own involvement with the whistleblower.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: I can see it now shifty Schiff pleads the fifth, right, Juan? I do want to ask you though, there's fires in Southern California in Schiff's district and there's rolling blackouts all over California, and Nancy and the whole delegation is in D.C. voting on trying to impeach Trump for a phone call. Does that look out of touch to you?

WILLIAMS: No. It sounds like you are desperate for an argument.

WATTERS: That's not desperate. That's a solid argument.

WILLIAMS: I mean, their job is they are members of Congress.

WATTERS: Right.

WILLIAMS: She is the speaker of the house.

WATTERS: Right.

WILLIAMS: And they are trying to hold, you know, the president, the executive accountable for what they see as outlandish, possibly impeachable high crimes and misdemeanor.

WATTERS: Even though people's homes are burning down and people have no power in their district?

WILLIAMS: Jesse, I don't think she's the fire chief.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Well, I think she --

WILLIAMS: Let me just -- let me respond to this. I think the GOP forever and ever were saying process is the issue. Well, now the process, Jesse is going to be open in public and on the record people will testify.

WATTERS: We'll see.

WILLIAMS: They were arguing process because they were losing on the facts. And now they don't have process and even today, more damning testimony. John Bolton stop, he quit the White House yesterday so he could testify today.

So, to me, this is like, the whistleblower. Who is the whistleblower? The whistleblower is wrong. It's secondhand. Then it was this is the perfect call.

GUTFELD: Still, that's still a fact.

WILLIAMS: This is a perfect call says the president. And then no quid pro quo. We do this all the time. And now all of this is all going down the drain and I think you're starting to see people saying, you know, this could be a problem, Jesse.

WATTERS: I'm not so sure about that, Juan. And we do know who the whistleblower is, Greg?

GUTFELD: Do we? But we're not allowed to say. Look, I think that I've never seen a media so careful to do the bidding of a political party. There's a huge story in front of them. The story of who the whistleblower is, did he work with Biden, did he work with Schiff, did he work with Brennan, did he work with the DNC operatives to help initiate the collusion narrative?

The excuse is of course, hey, we are protecting him from danger, danger, danger. That's a lie. They are protecting him from scrutiny is what they're trying to do.

WILLIAMS: Well can I interrupt, Jesse?

WATTERS: Sure.

WILLIAMS: Maybe that's not the issue, Greg. Maybe it's that all that he has said has been corroborated by other people.

GUTFELD: No. You know what, it's interesting. What he said was in the transcript that we already knew. We are OK with what's in the transcript so you are building a train of opinions of concern without actually something of merit being there.

This is like David Copperfield. You know when he made a giant building disappear? This is that in reverse. It appears huge but it's still an illusion and a trick on the American people.

You have the Democrats for what, three years talking about my God, colluding to undo an election. We are watching collusion between the Democrats and the media. We have no protection against this kind of thing. They are going to try to get -- they are going to try to unseat the president because they can't beat him on a flimsy accusation.

WATTERS: And you know, coming off the heels of the Russia hoax, Dana, it's hard to really believe what you read from anonymous sources in the mainstream media about what's going on.

PERINO: And it's really hard to follow, I think. And also, maybe, Juan, you saw something that I didn't see, the dribs and drabs that we got from today's testimony from Tim Morrison, who has the national security expert on Russia, that apparently he said yes, he was aware of it, he didn't have concerns about it and he was cool. So, I don't know that that is --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: No, but he affirmed to what Bill Taylor had said which is --

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: Right. But he said that, but that his concerns didn't rise to the level of --

WATTERS: Right.

WILLIAMS: Well, others obviously.

PERINO: Right.

WILLIAMS: He confirmed what Taylor said.

PERINO: But I'm just saying but you have to go with what that person said. And that is why I think the Republicans were pounding the table for a month about process and finally getting to this point. Because the Democrats were not going to be forced to this point unless the Republicans made a big issue out of it.

Remember, Nancy Pelosi, the speaker, was very reluctant to even bring up impeachment and now she waited like six weeks to have this vote and now they have this vote and now they have six committees.

This is the thing that I can't understand. Like, how do you coordinate six different committees that the infighting, the stab, it's just, I think in the long run it's a net negative for them. GUTFELD:

WATTERS: And Nancy did say about three or four months previous, that she wasn't going to do impeachment if it wasn't going to be along partisan lines. And now we saw the vote, Emily --

COMPAGNO: Yes.

WATTERS: -- and it is along partisan lines.

COMPAGNO: Yes. Except with the exception of two Democrats that are afraid for their chairs. I had a poster of David Copperfield in my room growing up. So, I just had a crush on him.

Can I speak to those battleground state polls for a second?

WATTERS: Yes.

COMPAGNO: And I don't want to like wax philosophical.

WATTERS: No, you wax. You wax.

COMPAGNO: Yes. Actually, take a seat because I will. It spoke to me that the Democrats have totally lost the American voter on impeachment and the underbelly of them, right, the majority of Americans support or a plurality an investigation. Right? Why? Because we support the process --

WATTERS: Right.

COMPAGNO: -- and fairness --

PERIO: Fairness. Yes.

COMPAGNO: -- and evidence. And everyone keeps saying well, this is a political process, it's not legal. But why do we have the legal framework that we do? Because Americans fundamentally believe that that structure should be fair. That's why we throw out entire murder convictions if the evidence is not obtained in a fair manner.

And Schiff, to me, he's in the minority of the minority in his conclusory stance and he doesn't realize how off-putting it is, how repelling it is to be average Americans that is wants to have faith in the process.

Final point. For the Democrats crying and shouting about a bombshell this whole time, then why aren't any Americans persuaded yet? Why have they all responded to these polls and said, we believe in the investigation, not yes, we saw the bombshell, too. It's not there yet.

WATTERS: Did you want to say something before to commercial break, Greg?

GUTFELD: I want to say a lot of things but they I'll just end here and say that they are admitting this is a political process, it's purely a political process.

WILLIAMS: But yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: It's always. It's an impeachment.

GUTFELD: But that's what --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: It's in the Constitution, that's a political process.

GUTFELD: No. You don't get, you are missing my point.

WILLIAMS: OK.

GUTFELD: That rather if they are trying to -- if they are trying to solve a political problem that is Trump, they can't beat him in the election so they are using politics to beat him.

And you are right, America is seeing through this. I think this is going to be a whale that swallows the Democrats whole. And think about this. America is dealing with a lot of stuff. Right?

You are going to have -- you're having an election next year, you are going to have primaries and debates, plus you got Trump whose force into himself. You want to throw another ball to juggle this impeachment? So, Democrats are going to fall apart. It's going to swamp them.

WATTERS: Yes.

GUTFELD: They're going to be a mess and I'm going to love every --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Yes. And I think and Democrats are just going to say you know what? Look at these impeachment polls, they keep going up and up. More and more Americans say and not only an inquiry --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Their polls go down.

WILLIAMS: -- we should remove this guy because he is breaking the law.

GUTFELD: The polls are worse than that. The polls in the media and the polls on the Democrat.

WILLIAMS: I'm just saying there's a reality.

WATTERS: You guys going to get Moby Dick, like Greg said, swallowed whole. All right. Adam Schiff is going to be up first. But up next --

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: I thought it was Jonah.

WATTERS: Jonah. Twitter is now banning all political ads. Is this just the latest attempt to silence conservatives?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: Twitter is facing backlash from conservatives after banning all political ads. CEO Jack Dorsey arguing the move, quote, "isn't about free expression." And in an apparent shot at Facebook, Dorsey blasting other platforms for not doing the same.

This comes after Democrats attack Mark Zuckerberg last week over President Trump's social media advertising. The Trump campaign calling out Twitter saying, quote, "Twitter bans political ads and yet another attempt by the left to silence Trump and conservatives. I wouldn't be surprised if Twitter lifted the ban after 2020."

OK. We're going to tick around the table. Greg is talking about Halloween candy in the break and then I got off track for the trick or treat.

GUTFELD: Yes. You are trying to build up some kind of concern for the story.

PERINO: No. I actually -- I actually think it's pretty interesting. Let me go to you first, Emily. This is from the standpoint of, do you think it's good for public debate for to have a debate about freedom of expression? Because basically you have two of the biggest tech companies taking very different opinions on this.

COMPAGNO: Yes. Totally, yes to that. If there's some type of actual public debate and national conversation about something so fundamental like that I think it's excellent.

I think it's interesting that Jack Dorsey has taken such an I am the anti- Facebook stance, I am the antidote, we do it so much better here. And there are lots of fundamental flaws with his reasoning. For example, the fact that they have now banned issue ads also and that kind of to me, will likely --

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: Well, he said that they'll consider that like advocacy ads, Juan. And so how do you decide? I think that's kind of a sticky wicket I would say.

GUTFELD: Watch your mouth. This is 5 o'clock.

PERINO: That's cricket. That's cricket.

GUTFELD: I had to go to a doctor for that.

PERINO: That must have hurt. Now I lost my train of thought.

WILLIAMS: It's OK.

PERINO: What's a sticky wicket?

WILLIAMS: Anyway, I think it was an advocacy ads, though.

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: What does that mean?

PERINO: What is an advocacy ad?

WILLIAMS: Yes, the advocacy. So, to me, let's start at point zero, Dana, which is I think that Jack Dorsey must watch THE FIVE and Mark Zuckerberg must not because I've been saying I don't see why they don't just do away with political ads.

PERINO: I'm sure that that was all --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Because -- because it's negligible in terms of their bottom line. And so, you know, they have an obligation to the stockholders to make money, but this is not making money.

The reality is that Zuckerberg doesn't seem to understand from my perspective that he is undermining his brand by allowing political lies to be put on his platform. That to me lessens the trust that the consumer has. And you know, we have a very strong relationship with Facebook as it gets personal, your friends, family and stuff. And so now you are going to say there's lies here, there's political lies.

PERINO: But who should get to decide what's a lie and what's not?

GUTFELD: That issue I think a lot of people are calling Facebook a bunch of lies because it's actually another way to get information that isn't in the mainstream media and the left and Democrats would like it just to come from The New York Times and the Washington Post.

WILLIAMS: I remember when the right was always on Facebook. You are trying to silencing conservatives. Now it's like yes, put Trump's lies there, please.

GUTFELD: I'll be honest, I didn't even realize there were ads on Twitter. I don't -- I don't even see them, all I see is people screaming at each other. Twitter's profits I believe are down 95 percent over the last year.

PERINO: Right.

GUTFELD: that's 90 -- that means if you made $100 last year you made five this year. I actually worked it out. No one wants to get near this tangled pile of screamers because it's an -- Twitter as we know has become an amplified edge of this course. Ten percent of the people on twitter --

PERINO: Yes.

GUTFELD: -- do almost all the tweeting and they are described as politically active and left leaning. So, what you are basically getting is you're getting a campus sit-in every time you go on Twitter.

PERINO: And you think that that's -- it isn't reality.

GUTFELD: Yes. It's not -- Facebook, when you go on Facebook it's up fun platform. Because like you said, you see your family, you see your friends, you see X's, you wonder what they are doing, you start thinking about what it could have been if maybe --

PERINO: But don't contact.

GUTFELD: Yes, don't contact. But then on Twitter you get on there, you get, I hate this person, I hate that person, this person hates me. And then you just go I screw it. I think -- I think this is a consequence of politics in general. People just like -- are kind of like --

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: They know they've had enough.

GUTFELD: Yes. Except for “The Five.”

WATTERS: Yes.

PERINO: And Twitter announced this right after Facebook came out with its earnings which were very different from the ones that you just described that Twitter had. But what about people that are lesser known candidates or people that don't have a lot of resources, should they be banned from using something like Facebook to have a grassroots movement? Like I believe AOC dis.

WATTERS: Yes, handicaps insurgence. But to Juan's point, Juan doesn't think Americans are smart enough to tell the difference between a lie and the truth. And I think we are. I mean, look at the dog. He's going to run an ad with the dog and you say you need a fact-checker to tell the Americans that that's a lie? I mean, come on.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: You know what?

WATTERS: The whole thing is stupid, Juan.

WATTERS: Let me just say. But Jesse, Jesse, I'm going to defend Emily's mom to the death. All right? And I mean --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: That's fine, Juan. But we don't need you guys in the media, you liberal fact-checkers to tell us what to know about what to see on TV. So, the other thing --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: I see. He is allowed to just say anything to you?

WATTERS: No. Juan, you can say whatever you want. We're smart enough to make up our own minds. But here's the point.

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: But what would happen --

WILLIAMS: OK.

WATTERS: Democrats are getting crushed on raising money and they know they are going to get outspent by Republicans and the Trump campaign. So, they call Jack, and they say, Jack, I'm begging you. We need your help here. You've got to ban political ads because we're going to get crushed. And Jack has to look good. And Jack says, OK, we'll do it. But everybody knows political speech is the same thing as free speech. And we don't want Twitter policing free speech.

PERINO: Well also by doing this, Twitter might get some of the heat off of him from possible regulation out of Washington, because the Democrats would be like, we have to be nice to Jack now.

WATTERS: Yes. Be nice to Jack.

PERINO: I mean everybody should be nice to everybody.

GUTFELD: He should come on THE FIVE.

PERINO: Up next, America's schools are in crisis. Could screen time be a bit to blame? Details next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WILLIAMS: Welcome back, growing concern that America's schools are in crisis. A new assessment shows math and reading scores for elementary school students on the decline. With two out of three children not meeting the standards for reading proficiency.

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos calls the numbers, "devastating." She's blaming the education establishment. This comes as a new study finds teenagers spend more than seven hours a day on their phones. Could it be that that's to blame?

So, Dana, let me just start by saying the student achievement numbers are basically flat since 1992. So, you know, that's a long time. And Betsy DeVos says, hey, the schools aren't delivering for these kids. Now, the contrary argument comes from people like Rosa DeLauro, who's a Democrat, Chair of the House Subcommittee on Education. And she says we need to spend more money.

GUTFELD: Of course.

WILLIAMS: From the Education Department to improve our schools. What do you think?

PERINO: When I read this last night, I was outraged for a lot of reasons on behalf of the children and their parents. And this is a national security concern going forward. And one of the states, I think, it was California. You can't even graduate 50 percent of your students. I mean, that's an outrage. I might have this wrong; I think it was reading proficiency at 57 percent out there.

Betsy DeVos calls this a crisis of student achievement. Now, if you look at since 1992, it's not like money hasn't been poured into schools. That is happening. Maybe more money needs to be poured in. OK, but you have to be able to show that it would actually make a difference.

The other thing that people should be really concerned about is that the people, two years ago, you do this test every two years. Two years ago, let's say that you were in the higher rankings. They continued to do better. People that were in the lower rankings continued to do worse. And so, if you're worried about inequality, you should just not think about just throwing money at this problem, but trying to figure out how are you going to deal with that?

The last thing I would say is, it's a real outrage to American taxpayers. State and local taxes, federal government taxes. And then you have people who are not proficient in reading and math going to colleges that they cannot afford that are breaking their parents bank accounts or putting them into debt because of student loans. And they have to take remedial classes in English and math so that they can get through. So, now the colleges are doing the job of what K through 12 should have been doing.

WILLIAMS: Yes, that's true.

PERINO: And so, I'm angry about it.

WILLIAMS: You know, on this show, oftentimes we offer different points of view. But I must say, I just think what Dana said was true. And picking up on something, Dana said, Jesse, a big gap now between people who are most proficient and people who are least proficient. So, it's like there is a gap between what's going on in our education, who is getting the benefit of education in America and who is not getting that?

WATTERS: Well, it's probably because math is racist, as we discussed last week. That's clearly the answer. And then reading. Yes, it's the phones because they're much more interesting and quicker to digest than a book. And I blame the parents as well. I mean, if you're going to have your kid come back from school and you're going to sit him in front of the TV or just let him hang out with his phone or not give him a book, he probably doesn't even know where the library is in the neighborhood, if there is a library.

GUTFELD: Thank God for that.

WATTERS: That's right. You can get a lot done besides reading in a library. I know you know that, Greg, better than anybody. And then you have all this disconnect between these politicians to talk about, you know, you can't have school choice, but I'm going to send my son or daughter to an elite, very expensive private school. And everybody else can go to a public school and they can get bad test scores. That's where there's a lot of hypocrisy. We just need more school choice.

WILLIAMS: I'm a proponent of that. But Emily, in fact, the Council on Big City Schools says this big school city districts are doing a little better. And this particular thing Jessie was talking about, which is race and class. Is it the case that if you are in, you know, a low-income area and you're a minority, but also if you're living in Kentucky, West Virginia, a poor white kid, these schools aren't delivering, no matter where you are? And it's a matter of who we care about. I mean, Jesse says it's your kids. You're going to send them to the best possible schools. So, why don't we as Americans talk in pragmatic terms about what works and how we can help these kids.

COMPAGNO: Because they think, generally speaking, we always oversimplify, and we are massively inefficient. So, you're right, there are multiple factors that contribute to this. And you're right that that inequality is built into the system. You're right that it was all predictable and that we waste money.

My opinion is a blend of everyone in that, you know, we spend more. We are in the top five in the world of countries in terms of our expenditure per student. And it's how we spend the money. We're too busy blowing it on the teachers pensions because it's not like any of them are getting really well. They're not well salaried.

They're not being invested into ensure that the students are getting what they need so that kids who are behavioral problems or different paces that are taking up space are taking up the time. They don't - that they are encroaching on the other students that are just trying to be educated.

We reward the wrong things. We incentivize social media and entertainment and that kind of immediate gratification culture without investing in actual education. We also reward test results rather than that kind of work ethic and investment that builds it along the way. This was totally predictable just like homelessness and opioids and all the other stuff I always talk about, because this has been a long time coming. And the fact that we - yes, refuse to let parents proceed with choices or provide other options because we want to virtue signal is half the problem.

WILLIAMS: So, Greg, I think you're a great proponent of innovation.

GUTFELD: That is true.

WILLIAMS: I was on Dana's show today, and a woman who writes about education for The New York Post said, you know, if you just stuck with basics, you know, like rote memorization, like ABCD and one, two, three. We know that that works, she says. I'm not sure it works for everybody, but I know as a fan of innovation. What do you say about education?

GUTFELD: Well, I think it's overrated. I actually like ignorant people because I can rise above them much faster if they don't know anything. Look, I actually do believe that the best thing that I ever did as a kid was timetables. Yes. It was a like something that like, I don't know why they made you do it, but all of a sudden, like, it just something that stays with you. I think the bureaucrats hate school choice because the competition bares their incompetence. Right.

What they got - then you find out that the money that we've been shoveling them for so long has been going nowhere, because the money goes up and the scores get worse. So, it's not a money thing. You know, I think that they group students incorrectly. I think that they used to be that if you were at a certain rate or speed, you could go into one class and other kids that. I don't think they do that anymore, do they? They put everybody together.

I don't know. You have them like you say, it's more important to be woke than well read. And I think that I am just amazed that they even teach people to read these days.

WATTERS: And if someone misbehaves in the classroom, you can't discipline them either. They become a huge distraction.

GUTFELD: I love discipline.

WILLIAMS: All right. We've got a lot of fun coming in your way. A special Halloween edition. It's Halloween, guys. Halloween edition of the Fastest 7 next on “The Five.”

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

COMPAGNO: Welcome back. Happy Halloween. It's time for a special edition of The Fastest 7. First up, the Internet is buzzing over President Trump's funny moment with a trick or treat her. Watch.

(VIDEO PLAYING)

COMPAGNO: I loved it. I thought that was hilarious. My favorite part was President Trump's expression. He was like genuinely like lamb. He was so happy. I loved it. What you do guys.

WATTERS: I just think in 48 hours, we have two great meme worthy viral moments. You have the dog and you have the trick or treat thing. We'd have to wait months for Obama to do something, Right, like every year he'd do something like a tan suit. Wow, everyone would talk about the tan suit. Trump's given so much content. It's fantastic.

GUTFELD: I don't know why the media is trying to get him out of office. But I'll tell you, you heard that the trick or treater just got subpoenaed by Adam Schiff to testify. Apparently, the minion heard fourth hand about the Ukrainian phone call from his pal Joey in second grade.

WATTERS: And he was very concerned about it.

GUTFELD: He was very concerned.

PERINO: Reported up through the channels.

WILLIAMS: I think a lot of it has to do with the idea that somehow Trump doesn't understand trick or treat. I think that's ridiculous. Give the guy a break. I mean, I noticed that Mrs. Trump then also puts the candy on the head and made me think where they're getting--

PERINO: Well, it looked like you could almost put it through the little slot on the head.

WILLIAMS: Well, apparently not, because it slides off.

GUTFELD: I think this is an impeachable offense.

PERINO: That kid will have a lot to talk about for the rest of his life.

COMPAGNO: It was so cute. OK. And up next to the best thing about Halloween is all that candy. But it turns out kids aren't the only ones enjoying it. Two thirds of parents admit to stealing from their children's trick or treating hall stealing and like hiding it. So, Juan, you are one of the parents at the table. Did you do that?

WILLIAMS: Of course. Look, parents like candy. Everybody likes candy. But I tell you, what's my experiences mostly, though, Emily, that it just ends up in the pantry and it gets stale because of it's just too much.

WATTERS: You're not eating fast enough, Juan, or just throw it in the freezer. That's the way to do it. I can't believe your favorite candy is--

COMPAGNO: York.

WATTERS: York peppermint patty. Get out of here with that. That's not real candy. That's like a breath mint.

COMPAGNO: Chocolate and mint is amazing. And also, Reese's Pieces, like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

WATTERS: OK. Now we're talking.

COMPAGNO: I love them in.

WATTERS: York Peppermint Patty. It's like British, York.

COMPAGNO: Dana, save me.

PERINO: Well, I don't have children. I just steal from our executive producer, Megan Albano. She has candy in her office. But I do it in the open. So, it doesn't really stealing.

COMPAGNO: Yes, that's extracting the tax.

GUTFELD: You know, it seems to me like a lot of work to decide to have kids. So, you can get their candy. I mean, I decided just not to have kids and buy my own damn candy to not have to go through the trouble. The people I can't stand is when we all live in apartments, except for Dana lives in a mansion upon 3rd.

PERINO: Yes, right.

GUTFELD: But the people that - you're doing the nice thing by putting out the bowl of the candy, because, you know, you're in apartment and you're not - you might not get them. You come home and it's one kid shows up and takes everything. Right. So, I have - right now I have a drone that's setup. And it sends like a shock right into the kid, the moment - if any kid - knocks him on his butt. It's a totally legal.

COMPAGNO: OK. I'm so excited for this third topic, you guys. And you'll see why in a second. Americans just can't resist dressing up their pets for Halloween. A study finds we shell out half a billion dollars on costumes for our free companions. And an astounding 29 million people say they're dressing up their pets today.

GUTFELD: That's the B roll you've got.

COMPAGNO: No. Check out the B roll in a second. Look at my dog. Here she's about to come up maybe in a moment. This year, she's - that was last year, by the way. I made that mask. So, she was Diablo, which is Maleficent's Crow obviously, and I need that. But I totally defend spending on her. A, that's a good economy. And B, whatever. I'm excited.

GUTFELD: And B, whatever.

COMPAGNO: I rest my case, she's perfect. Look at her guys. She's so great.

GUTFELD: You know what?

COMPAGNO: Where is Jasper tonight?

PERINO: I didn't get Jasper a costume. I talked to Peter about it the other night and he said he doesn't like to dress up. And I said, how do you know that? And he said, well, he just knew. I don't know.

GUTFELD: He likes to hangout in his sweats.

PERINO: Yes. He wants to hang out.

GUTFELD: But what about I mean we haven't talked about the--

PERINO: That's not Halloween.

GUTFELD: But this is offensive. Isn't this an offensive costume question, if your cat is dressed up like a dog. That's cultural appropriation, species appropriation.

PERINO: Jasper, which is dressed up as a reindeer. That's your point.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: I think people love pets, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: So, if people want to dress up the pets. But I must say, Emily, I do wonder if dogs like being mannequins. I don't know.

PERINO: I think that they like the attention.

WATTERS: Ask Peter, he apparently knows.

WILLIAMS: Oh, he does.

WATTERS: Yes.

WILLIAMS: Because he's talking.

COMPAGNO: Isn't Rookie something tonight?

WATTERS: No, we dress him for his birthday. That was his birthday. But we don't go all in like a crazy person, like you Emily. it's Halloween.

PERINO: I'm handing out candy tonight though.

COMPAGNO: Guaranteed. Next year, you will.

WATTERS: You're probably right.

COMPAGNO: I'm going on a ghost tour tonight. I love Halloween. All right. One More Thing is up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Time for One More Thing, we all got funny glasses from Juan. What's going on, Juan?

WILLIAMS: All right. So, you guys remember this spring when my daughter made me this amazing Washington Nationals birthday cake? Well, last night, folks, my birthday wish came true. Watch this. That's Howie Kendrick lining up pitch down the line and off the foul pole in Houston for a two run homers for the first time since 1924, the Washington baseball team won the World Series. Also, for the first time in any sports league championship series, both teams lost every home game. What an amazing story. So, as a Nationals fan, someone sent me today a pair of lucky rose-colored sunglasses. They're coming from Bubbly Springs Water outfielder Gerardo Parra has been wearing them for good luck since he started wearing them. The team went from 12 games under 500 to the World Championship. Can you believe this? Parra picked him up as a promotional event a few years ago. Of course, he's also famous for doing the baby shark.

WATTERS: Congratulations.

GUTFELD: I am told that this will basically reassure that Trump wins 2020.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Don't put him out in Nationals Park. You know what happens.

WATTERS: I can't wait for the Nationals go to the White House. That'll be fun.

WILLIAMS: By the way, thank you so much to the people at Bubbly Sparking Water.

PERINO: I like this stuff.

COMPAGNO: Thank you.

GUTFELD: I don't know if I like it.

PERINO: I love it.

GUTFELD: I don't know.

PERINO: Please send me.

GUTFELD: I just don't want to do it.

PERINO: Kidding.

GUTFELD: Let's do this. Greg's Transformers News. You know, I'm not a big Halloween guy, but I've got to give it to these little punks and their transformer costumes. Just watch how good these costumes are that they can actually turn in. They're not just a transformer. They actually turn right into the machine that they are. Look at that. Isn't that incredible.

Nobody cares. Get out of the way.

COMPAGNO: There is Bumblebee.

GUTFELD: Do they know? What do you mean?

PERINO: Do they move after that?

GUTFELD: They just sit there.

PERINO: That's pretty good costume.

GUTFELD: Yes. It is incredible. It's really good. I just hate why did they film this with the horizontal and the vertical, it just drives me crazy. The blurry crap is making me really, really angry.

WATTERS: Animals are great, Greg.

GUTFELD: They are, Jesse, and your next.

WATTERS: All right. Remember how I caught a lot of flak for my tipping situation?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: I don't always tip when someone brings me a cup of coffee. Well, we have some Jesse's tipping news, which I'd like to share. Now, this is about the dangers of tipping. This is a warning to people. There's a guy in Missouri at a bar, right. Instead of tipping cash, he tips lottery tickets. Guess what? Well, the lottery ticket won, and he ended up giving the winning lottery ticket as a tip to the bartender. See, that's what happens when you tip sometimes, there are drawbacks to tipping. Everybody be warned.

GUTFELD: That's a drawback, did you make that person's life?

WILLIAMS: Yes.

WATTERS: I'm just saying, there are drawbacks. Also, alien Sophie dressed up as Aladdin characters for Halloween. Cool. Not in blackface like Trudeau, but nonetheless very, very--

GUTFELD: Cultural appropriation.

WATTERS: Ouch. I've got to warn them about that.

GUTFELD: Dana.

PERINO: OK. Dramatic video.

GUTFELD: Fantastic.

PERINO: This is pretty cool. This is from the California Easy Fire. That's what it's called. This shows the moment that a horse that runs from safety to its burning stable back to its burning stable to rescue other horses that were trapped in the blaze. Look at this. He goes and gets his family and brings them back. It's a tall black horse you see there. That's his young colt. They've got him back on the safe side of the road. I mean, animals are really, really great, Greg.

WATTERS: We should give him a medal.

GUTFELD: There's got to be a meme. That has to be a meme. All right, Emily, try to make it interesting.

COMPAGNO: OK. I will. And I will make it a proposed to Halloween. So, this little girl whose name is Emily also dressed up as Bella from Beauty and the Beast dancing with her dog, Rudy. So cute. Look at her singing to Beauty in the Beast. Totally sweet. I mean, first of all, that's the best dog on the planet.

PERINO: He is a good boy.

COMPAGNO: Best movie on the planet and probably the sweetest video ever.

WILLIAMS: That's very nice.

GUTFELD: Is it really?

COMPAGNO: Happy Halloween.

WATTERS: When you have children and dogs, you might think it's cute.

WILLIAMS: But I think it's wonderful.

COMPAGNO: Look at him he's so patient.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Better than Spicer.

GUTFELD: That's a pretty low bar.

WATTERS: That's true.

GUTFELD: All right. Well, that was nice. Emily. You did OK today.

WILLIAMS: You know what, Go Nats. We're going to have a parade in Saturday, Saturday big parade folks.

GUTFELD: All right. Set your DVRs. Never miss an episode of “The Five.” "Special Report" is up next.

Hello, Bret.

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