'The Greg Gutfeld Show' presents the 2019 Outrage Awards

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'The Greg Gutfeld Show' presents the 2019 Outrage Awards

The year's biggest craze was mistaken outrage.

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," December 28, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

[start video clip]

Donald Trump: There has never been, and they'll always correct me, in the history of politics, in the history of our country, there has never been anybody that drew crowds like we draw. And I don't have a guitar. I have no guitar.

[end video clip]

[applause]

Greg Gutfeld: Imagine if he had a guitar.

[applause]

Stop it. Stop it. All right. It's not a bad year. Super low unemployment, super high stock market, your 401(k) is thicker than Jerry Nadler's thighs. I mean, they are thick. I've seen them. It's on my website. And that would have been perfect if Trump had actually bought Greenland for us. America does need a place to store its Christmas ornaments. But hey, you can't have everything. But who cares? We have a lot. The country is still adding jobs. We're at 21 consecutive months with the unemployment rate at 4 percent or lower, like 3.5 percent. Meanwhile, Trump's got our allies making sure they're paying their bills, not us. I wonder, are we the suckers anymore?

[start video clip]

Donald Trump: For years we've been the suckers, but we're not the suckers anymore.

[end video clip]

Greg Gutfeld: I think he answered my question. That’s why he’s president. So, yeah, it was a year of relative peace and prosperity, but to hear the media tell it, it was more like this.

[start video clip]

Nicholas Cage: Oh, no. Not the bees. Not the bees. [screams] They're in my eyes. My eyes. [screams]

[end video clip]

Greg Gutfeld: The horror, this orange thing that's living in the White House, bringing jobs to the country, reducing poverty, cutting taxes. He's nothing, nothing but an existential threat.

[start video clip]

Female Speaker: The existential scandal that has surrounded the Trump presidency.

Female Speaker: He's an existential threat to those American values.

Male Speaker: Donald Trump is such an existential threat to our democracy.

Male Speaker: President Trump is an [unintelligible] threat to the future of the United States.

Female Speaker: He is an existential threat to the country.

Male Speaker: They believe is existential, that they need to unseat President Trump.

[end video clip]

Greg Gutfeld: He is an existential threat to brain cells. And you wonder why Trump talks to reporters this way.

[start video clip]

Donald Trump: I just called him. I've got to come over and see the fake news. Let's go. What do you have, Jon? Let me just say -- be quiet. Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet. You're with CNN and you're fake news. The fake news, which is you and you, you don't want to do anything about it.

Donald Trump: You think I should do that?

Jonathan Karl: You --

Donald Trump: No, do you think I should do that, Jon?

Jonathan Karl: I mean, it's not for me to say.

Donald Trump: I mean, I watch your one-sided reporting. Do you think I should do that? Hey, Jon. No. Seriously, Jon, do you think I should just sign?

Jonathan Karl: Well, the argument --

Donald Trump: No, no. Tell me. Tell me.

Jonathan Karl: If you signed the bill that has nothing to do with border security --

Donald Trump: Jon, do you think I should just sign? Would you do that if you were in my position?

Jonathan Karl: I'm not in --

Donald Trump: Because if you would do that, you should never be in this position.

[end video clip]

Greg Gutfeld: It's a sad fact. We don't deserve him. And the Dems, they only have one trick left. It's called call the hearing, find the crime later. The Mueller report, impeachment hearings, Russia, Ukraine, it was all the same shtick. Create something from nothing. All because they're worried that their candidate won't get the job done come November. And God knows they put enough candidates out there. They're like gremlins. You leave the room for five minutes, you come back, there's twice as many there. Of course, the media's darlings turned into duds. Remember Beto? Oh, he's just like Kennedy, but enough about his driving. Kamala -- I've got it.

Multiple Speakers: Oh.

Greg Gutfeld: Oh, come on. You've heard worse from me. Then there's Kamala, she drew a bigger crowd than Obama once, then fell apart like an IKEA cupboard. They didn't even make it to the primary. Did the moderate candidates get any attention? Not really. Did the only interesting one in the bunch get any attention? Not really. Right, Marianne?

[start video clip]

Marianne Williamson: Mr. President, if you're listening, I want you to hear me, please. You have harnessed fear for political purposes and only love can cast that out. So, I, sir, I have a feeling you know what you're doing. I'm going to harness love for political purposes. I will meet you on that field. And, sir, love will win.

[end video clip]

Greg Gutfeld: I would give anything to see that. I still have hope, my Marianne, my Marianne. Sorry. The thing is, of all the candidates still in or gone, can you pick one of them looking like they're having fun out there? You know, they drink beer, they got haircuts. They played beer pong with water -- Satanist -- all to try to seem relatable to you, while the other guy checks in with his base, and everyone has a good time.

[begin video clip]

Donald Trump: Is there any place where we can have more fun than at a Trump rally? [cheering] Sleepy Joe understood how to kiss the rock Obama’s ass. Maybe I’m a little different up here, I don’t know. Shifty Schiff. Crooked Hillary Clinton. Pocahontas. I’m president, and they’re not. We’re better-looking -- [cheering] -- including the men. We are going to keep on winning, winning, winning. Whether you love me or hate me, you’ve got to vote for me.

[end video clip]

[laughter]

Greg Gutfeld: Did I say we don’t deserve him? Now, that could be tough next year to beat. No wonder they’re banking on impeachment. Now, let’s not forget, it’s also the end of the decade, too, and the decade was awesome, if you’re the stock market, at least, ending the decade around 28,000. Know where it was 10 years ago? Ten thousand. That’s a lot. If I only diversified instead of giving all my money to my bald neighbor Carl. What did I see in Carl? This decade also saw historic declines in poverty, disease, and deaths due to climate disasters, but the decade got weird, too. Safe spaces became a thing. Identity politics became a thing. University campuses started squelching free speech and free thinking instead of embracing it the way universities are supposed to. Some people learned the hard way that they could ruin their own lives with just one tweet. It’s called cancel culture, a term that didn’t exist 10 years ago. But, hey, maybe this decade -- next decade will be about lightening the hell up, which is the point of this show, and thanks to you, we’ve had our highest-rated year ever. So, everyone -- [applause]

[cheering]

Everyone here gets a car.

[laughter]

No, you don’t, but thanks for watching. Thanks for laughing. We’re happy you’re here, because really this show is the best thing that happened this decade. We give you the news, we give you the trends, and most of all, we give you talking animals, and so far, it’s worked out. Right, guys?

[begin video clip]

Female Speaker: Yeah.

Male Speaker: Yeah.

Female Speaker: Yeah.

[end video clip]

[cheering]

Greg Gutfeld: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. Yeah. He used to say mass; now he kicks ass. Theologian and Fox News contributor Jonathan Morris. Sorry about the swearing. [applause] He puts the “ew” in “Shillue.” Host of the quiz talk -- quiz show on Fox Nation, Tom Shillue. [applause] She’s quirky, smirky, and can strangle a turkey. Host of Sincerely Kat on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf. [applause] And Google Earth complains that he blocks their view. My massive sidekick and host of ‘Nuff Said on Fox Nation, Tyrus. [applause] Jonathan, welcome to the show. You look great as always. What do you make of this era? I feel like the era has no real identity until 2016, right? Like, what would you say about the 2010s now?

Jonathan Morris: Well, politics was so boring before 2016, right? And it will be forever boring after Trump, which could be 2028, 2032. Who knows, right? But, yeah, things go so fast right now, and in part, it’s because of the politics that we’re living right now, but also in part just because of social media and technology. We are living at a very high rate, and that’s good and bad, and I think it’s a question -- you know, all these Democratic candidates and others are talking about existential. That has to do with being, right? What is being? What is our being? What is purpose? And it’s hard to do in a very fast world.

Greg Gutfeld: But it’s so funny and hypocritical, because none of those people really think that deeply [laughs]. I mean, they just discovered the word “existential” on a word-a-day calendar. “‘Existential?’ I’m using that one.” “No, I have it.”  “No, I have it.” You have Cuomo and Levin [spelled phonetically] arguing over the word, Tom. What was your favorite thing about 2019? And please say me.

Tom Shillue: You know, it --

Greg Gutfeld: Me.

Tom Shillue: It occurs to me, Greg --

Greg Gutfeld: Me.

Tom Shillue: -- that he is an existential threat to the Democrats, I mean, because he’s driving them crazy. He’s like a laser pointer, and they’re all a bunch of cats. They go -- whatever he points at, they go, and they scream at it, but the thing is, they’re into it. They -- he’s got them all wrapped up in the -- in Trumpism, you know, and they hate him for it. But like he said, he’s -- [laughs] I don’t know the logic of it, but it makes weird sense. He says, “Love me or hate me, but you’ve got to vote for me.”

[laughter]

Like, whoever said such a thing? It’s unbelievable.

Greg Gutfeld: You know, he’s also an existential threat to the media, because it’s like he’s killed old media. Like, we don’t look at -- the media is not the same anymore. He’s exposed them. He treats the media the way the media treated us as people. Like, the media was always on top, basically saying that the average citizen was stupid. Trump is doing that to the media, Kat. That’s my theory. [applause] So, you’re beginning with applause. Perhaps you will end with it.

Kat Timpf: [laughs] Watch me suck the air out of the room. [laughter] Although you work in the media, Greg.

Greg Gutfeld: No, I don't. I work outside the media.

Kat Timpf: Where are we?

Greg Gutfeld: Yes [laughs].

Kat Timpf: Yeah, the decade -- it was all right.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah. [laughter]

Kat Timpf: Told you I could do it. I don’t know. I mean -- I don’t know. I went through so many decade-in-review lists to try to figure out what to talk about. Turns out I don’t know -- like, I don’t like a lot of the things other people like. Like, I still don't know what a Fortnite is, and I don’t -- like, the Jonas Brothers; any white millennial dude could come up to me like, “I’m a Jonas brother,” and I’d be like, “I believe you.” You know, I don’t know who they are. But if I had to pick a favorite moment or a favorite thing, it’d be a tie between leggings becoming acceptable as pants --

Greg Gutfeld: No.

Kat Timpf: -- Eric Swalwell’s fart --

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Kat Timpf: -- and then honorable mention goes to Steve Harvey crowning the wrong Miss Universe. That was hilarious. [applause]

Greg Gutfeld: You know, I think if you put it all together, Swalwell and leggings farting would probably be an amazing moment. Tyrus, do you like the odd years or the even years?

Tyrus: What the hell? [laughter] What an existential dumb question. Do I like the odd or even numbers? I’m going to go with even.

Greg Gutfeld: Oh, that’s good.

Kat Timpf: Me too.

Tyrus: Yeah, because --

Greg Gutfeld: I do, too. I think --

Tyrus: I like to be equal, Greg. Like, I’d like an equal question.

Greg Gutfeld: Okay, okay. What is your take on the year or the decade?

Tyrus: Worst “R” movie ever. Every month of this decade was the end of the world, especially during the Trump presidency. “Breaking news: Trump did some [expletive], and there’s an asteroid coming to get us right now. He offended the gods.” Every week, it was the end of democracy. North Korea was going to bomb us; Syria was going to bomb us. Like, we were literally -- at the end of every show, you just didn’t know.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, exactly.

Tyrus: You know? And then you wake up, and you’d be like, “That movie sucked.” Like, literally, you’d go to the -- all the anticipation. You’re excited; you’re fired up. It’s going to be the scariest thing ever, and it’s like ducks bathing in a pond. It’s really not that bad out there. It’s actually the best it’s ever been.

Greg Gutfeld: That is true. It has been the best. The one problem, though, is I am frightened by ducks bathing. It’s a thing that happened when I was a child. I was attacked by ducks in a pond. Yeah, I don’t know what I’m talking about. [laughter] All right, back with more great stuff in a minute.

[commercial break]

Greg Gutfeld: The Ukraine, they have one there, actually. Someone blows a whistle and says, "That phone call isn't right." Dems get all excited. They call for an impeachment inquiry. And Trump's like, "Take it easy. Here's the transcript of the call." And then this guy makes like he's really reading the transcript out loud.

[start video clip]

Adam Schiff: I don't see much reciprocity here. I hear what you want. I have a favor I want from you, though, and I'm going to say this only seven times, so you better listen good. I want you to make up dirt on my political opponent. Understand? Lots of it. By the way, don't call me again. I'll call you when you've done what I asked.

[end video clip]

Greg Gutfeld: Except that didn't actually happen. That wasn't the real transcript. And then he claims, "Oh, I was just making a joke." Yeah, that was super funny, dude. But as I watched that, I was thinking to myself, who the hell does he remind me of?

So, we bought a whole lot of cheap rouge, and we did this. Watch.

[start video clip]

Female Speaker: And now, Adam Schiff reads nursery rhymes.

Male Actor (playing Adam Schiff): There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, she had so many children she didn't know what to do. She gave them some broth without any bread and whipped them all soundly and put them to bed. A wise course of action.

[end video clip]

Greg Gutfeld: [laughs] And things just got weirder from there.

[start video clip]

Female Speaker: And now, Adam Schiff applies for a loan.

Male Speaker: Yeah. I'm sorry, Mr. Schiff, I don't think you qualify for a boat loan.

Male Actor (playing Adam Schiff): I don't understand. As you can see, I'm already a captain.

Male Speaker: Yeah, that's not how this works.

Male Actor (playing Adam Schiff): How about now? Gotcha.

[end video clip]

Greg Gutfeld: And then it just gets weirder. It gets weirder.

[start video clip]

Female Speaker: And now, Adam Schiff tries buffalo wings for the first time.

Male Speaker: I can't believe you've never had buffalo wings before, Adam.

Male Actor (playing Adam Schiff): I'm a little suspicious. Seem kind of small for buffalo.

Male Speaker: They're actually named after the city.

Male Actor (playing Adam Schiff): Interesting. Which city?

Male Speaker: Just give them a try. But be careful, they're hot.

Male Actor (playing Adam Schiff): Spicy. Could use a little blue cheese.

Male Speaker: I give up, man. You are so weird.

Male Actor (playing Adam Schiff): Prove it in a court of law.

[end video clip]

Greg Gutfeld: So, Tom, how did this come about and what is it about Adam Schiff that makes him so unique? Because, you know, none of these are about politics at all.

Kat Timpf: [laughs]

Tom Shillue: Yeah, he's just a very strange guy. He lives in an alternative kind of universe.

Greg Gutfeld: [laughs] Right.

Tom Shillue: He sees the world his own way, which we're all encouraged to do.

Greg Gutfeld: Right. Exactly.

Tom Shillue: But I prepare for the role by wearing shoes that are two sizes too small.

Kat Timpf: [laughs]

Tom Shillue: Then I spray lemon juice into my eyes.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Tom Shillue: And then we're off to the races.

Greg Gutfeld: [laughs]

Tom Shillue: Simple.

Greg Gutfeld: I imagine that now you are being treated differently when you walk down the street.

Tom Shillue: Well, around Fox News, I certainly am.

Greg Gutfeld: [laughs]

Tom Shillue: All anyone wants to talk about is Adam Schiff. But I'm getting your e-mails, it's fantastic. People, you know, love these. I'm getting e-mails every day, and I'm hearing your suggestions. We have a lot of creative writers out there.

Greg Gutfeld: Yes.

Kat Timpf: [laughs]

Tom Shillue: Yeah. There we go.

Greg Gutfeld: Right. You know what it's made me? It's made me kind of interested in his life, Kat.

Kat Timpf: Yeah.

Greg Gutfeld: Like, I want to know more about Adam Schiff. Like, you know that his wife's name is Eve?

Kat Timpf: I did not. But I --

Greg Gutfeld: Adam and Eve, Kat.

Kat Timpf: I have heard of the Bible. Yeah.

Greg Gutfeld: Jonathan is aware of that. Maybe you aren't.

Jonathan Morris: Obvious.

Kat Timpf: I know the Bible.

Greg Gutfeld: Barely.

Kat Timpf: Quiet. That's a weird insult.

[laughter]

Okay. I also did a lot of research into Adam Schiff's life --

Greg Gutfeld: Yes.

Kat Timpf: -- for this segment.

Greg Gutfeld: Oh, well done.

Kat Timpf: Thank you.

Greg Gutfeld: [laughs]

Kat Timpf: And he wanted to be a screenwriter?

Greg Gutfeld: Yes.

Kat Timpf: That makes all the sense in the world. Like, it actually explains everything. Like all the dramatic readings, the saying things that he knows are going to get him on TV, and he's a vegan, too, so he even eats like a Hollywood [expletive]

[laughter]

Greg Gutfeld: Terrible.

Kat Timpf: So, I have an idea. I have an idea. We should all start a GoFundMe to actually buy one of these scripts. That way he'll go do that and get out of Washington.

Greg Gutfeld: That's true. He's never -- Tyrus. He's never sold a script. He's never sold a script. Neither have I. But I mean, like, you know, get a grip, dude.

Tyrus: Well, on behalf of Hollywood [expletive] everywhere I would just like to say --

Greg Gutfeld: [laughs]

Tom Shillue: Schiff's a little different because he's an unsuccessful Hollywood screenwriter.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah. Yeah.

Tyrus: Him and about four billion other people.

Kat Timpf: [laughs]

Greg Gutfeld: Yes.

Tyrus: You usually see them waiting tables not working --

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Tyrus: -- in the House of Representatives. But it was funny to me that I think he tried to sell -- this impeachment thing is going to be one of two things. One, it's going to probably ruin his political career when it's over, but he did give us a really good snippet of his latest screenwriting thing, which was what he was doing when he was -- ad-libbing the Trump memoirs was actually his latest screenplay.

Greg Gutfeld: Yes, it's true.

Tyrus: It's a spy movie.

Greg Gutfeld: Yes.

Tyrus: And so, he tried to just drop it in, and just put it in everyone's ears, like, "Wouldn't that be great if I wrote a screenplay for this?" So, he's -- this is all for his movie.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Tyrus: The Impeachment File.

Greg Gutfeld: He can't --

Tyrus: He --

Greg Gutfeld: He certainly -- he can't write dialog. [laughs]

Tyrus: No, but he's trying it out in the impeachment thing. He tries it. Well, "You said it seven times. Don't call me back."

Jonathan Morris: You think they like this?

Tyrus: Should I have went with eight? Like, that's literally what he's doing.

Jonathan Morris: This all seems very strange to me that we're talking about Adam Schiff --

Greg Gutfeld: [affirmative]

Jonathan Morris: -- and he's here.

Greg Gutfeld: Yes. Yeah. Okay.

Kat Timpf: [laughs]

Jonathan Morris: Is that okay?

Tom Shillue: Yes. It's -- you know, you don't want to be rude. You want to talk right in front of people's faces. That's why we -- I think -- I really wonder if Adam has seen these videos, because oddly enough, Greg, as you know, the president has tweeted out four of them.

[laughter]

Greg Gutfeld: You want to watch? Let's --

Jonathan Morris: [inaudible]

Greg Gutfeld: I think we have one more. Do we have one more? Let's go for one last one. I think it's Adam ordering a pizza.

[start video clip]

Female Speaker: And now, Adam Schiff tries to order a pizza.

Male Speaker: Hey, Tony's Pizza, what can I get you?

Male Actor (playing Adam Schiff): Food please. Right away.

Male Speaker: Okay. What's your address?

Male Actor (playing Adam Schiff): Why do you need that?

Male Speaker: Hey, pal, are you going to order something or what?

Male Actor (playing Adam Schiff): How did you get this number?

Male Speaker: You called me, chief.

Male Actor (playing Adam Schiff): Prove it. [hangs up phone] All right, I'll have a large cheese.

[end video clip]

Greg Gutfeld: Yes. All right.

Jonathan Morris: He's hungry, Greg.

Greg Gutfeld: You -- yup.

Jonathan Morris: The man needs to eat.

Greg Gutfeld: Much more after this, it gets even better.

[commercial break]

Jackie Ibanez: Good evening, and live from America's News Headquarters, I’m Jackie Ibanez in New York. A deadly and tragic day in Somalia, as a truck bomb explosion kills nearly 80 people. Most of the dead are university students returning to class and police officers. At least 125 people were wounded. Somalia’s president calling the bombing a, quote, “heinous act of terror” and blames an extremist group with ties to Al Qaeda. This is the worst attack on Mogadishu since hundreds were killed in a deadly bombing two years ago. Meanwhile, back here at home, a New York man brutally beaten during a $1 mugging on Christmas Eve has died. Police have released this surveillance video right here, hoping to track down the suspects. Investigators say Juan Fresnado was out walking with his partner in their Bronx neighborhood when the muggers approached them. The suspects then ran away after that attack. I’m Jackie Ibanez. Now back to The Greg Gutfeld Show. Have a great night.

[music playing]

Greg Gutfeld: This year’s big craze: mistaken outrage. People got worked up over some stories that at first sounded really bad, but then turned out not to be. So, this year we begin the first annual Greg Gutfeld Outrage Awards. That’s right. Don’t we have some -- I guess we don't have some live music. Oh, the band didn’t show up. Anyway, the second runner-up, Jussie Smollett, who claimed two guys put a rope around his neck while yelling, “This is MAGA country” in Chicago in the middle of the night in sub-zero temperature. Yeah, that happened, for sure. First runner-up, media coverage of Nicholas Sandmann, a kid wearing a MAGA hat that social media accused of taunting a Native American man until another tape surfaced that showed that wasn’t the case. Now, Sandmann is suing everybody for millions. Not me, though, thank God. [applause] Which leads us to the outrage of the year over a meme, a meme that Trump tweeted out. Watch.

[begin video clip]

[music playing]

[begin video clip]

[laughter]

[applause]

Greg Gutfeld: So, congratulations, everyone who took that seriously. That’s actually not possible. He can’t be president in the year 3000. See, that Trump was joking, but 99 percent of the media can’t tell that he’s joking. Everything he says is literal. Everything he says is serious. And when they make fun of him, oh, they’re joking. So, we present to you the first annual Greg Gutfeld Outrage Awards, in which this screaming chicken is the actual award.  [sound effect] [laughter] Enough choking the chicken. All right. Tyrus?

Tyrus: Well, a couple things, Greg.

Greg Gutfeld: Yes [laughs].

Tyrus: This is obviously a sham. First of all, you completely botched the name of -- it’s Jussie Smollett --

Tom Shillue: Get it right.

Tyrus: -- first of all, a French actor. 

Greg Gutfeld: [laughs] Sorry.

Tyrus: Let’s get that right.

Kat Timpf: Jussie.

Greg Gutfeld: Jussie.

Tyrus: Jussie.

Greg Gutfeld: Jussie.

Tyrus: Jussie. And it’s perfectly -- as a black man who’s been in Chicago, there’s nothing more dangerous for an act of racism in subzero freezing weather where I can guarantee you that you would see a Black Panther and a Klansman huddling for dear life, saying, “Come summer, it’s on. Hold me; it’s cold tonight.”  [laughter] [applause] That’s literally -- it’s too cold.

Greg Gutfeld: Too cold for racism. Too cold for racism.

Tyrus: That whole thing, you know, that was the one time where -- a lot of times in the African-American community, when we see something, we get ready to get fired up and protest and march. Literally, not one person I know was like, “No, something” -- nobody gets hung with a string. That doesn’t -- it was literally the thinnest rope they could find, because apparently buying rope to hang people isn’t a big thing in Chicago, so it’s difficult to get a good old-fashioned rope.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah. Oh, man.

Kat Timpf: Plus, he kept his sandwich the whole time.

Greg Gutfeld: Yes, he kept his sandwich.

Tyrus: Yeah, I’m telling you right now, if I’m whooping somebody’s ass in a hate crime, I’m definitely going to eat their sandwich -- [laughter] -- in front of them.

Greg Gutfeld: It was good PR for Subway, I guess, Kat. Were there -- what stories did you see as the most outrageous or the most manufactured?

Kat Timpf: Well, I just really love the way that people criticized the meme that you shared about Trump saying he’s going to be the president for 88,000 years. Almost everyone was like, “Oh, he’s such an idiot. He doesn’t even know about the 22nd Amendment,” and I’m like, “Even if that were true, I’m pretty sure he knows he’s not going to be alive in 88,000 years.”

Greg Gutfeld: [laughs] Yes, yes.

Kat Timpf: I mean -- but they don’t see these things, right? It was just like when actual reporters spent their workday finding out that him giving that medal to that dog wasn’t real. They were like, “Breaking, we have an exclusive scoop.” Like, it’s just -- they actually don’t know when it’s so obvious. It’s like, before you tweet, maybe you need to go back to third grade and learn about context clues, Karen. Like, come on.

Greg Gutfeld: It’s so true. I think it has -- they don’t have -- they can’t see the sarcasm because they’re clouded by so much emotion, Jonathan, and what -- and also, social media kind of makes these stories explode. Otherwise, they would go nowhere, because no media guy would go -- if there was no social media, he couldn’t go and complain about the memes.

Jonathan Morris: What makes his memes so amazing is that we know that he’s the one who’s actually putting them out. It’s not his social media team. [laughter] No, it’s like a hundred came from him, and we’re like, “Oh, that’s my president. I know what he’s thinking now. It might be strange, but I know what he’s thinking.” Okay, that is awesome. Secondly, a little bit taking off what Kat said, you know, the great worry of so much of the media when they saw that meme of, like, he’s going to live till he’s, you know, 3,000 years old is, “Oh, my gosh, he’s going to be a king” or “he’s going to be a monarch, and that’s what he wants to be.” No king and no monarch lives to be 3,000 years old. Right? And everybody knows that.

Kat Timpf: It was also just so weird that the Democrats were even weighing in on what’s going on in 88,000 years, that they care, because I thought it was going to end in 10 or 12 or whatever they keep saying.

Greg Gutfeld: That is true. Climate change. [applause] Climate change. Another outrage. All right, last word, Tom.

Tom Shillue: Well, I think the real story isn’t that there were three fake stories. It’s the tip of the iceberg situation, where so many stories that are still on record as being true are fake --

Greg Gutfeld: Exactly.

Tom Shillue: -- and so by looking at these -- and they say, “Oh, well, that one was disproven.” No, most stories that go viral from social media are not real.

Greg Gutfeld: Right, yeah.

Tom Shillue: It’s fake, the outrage is fake, and then they stack on fake facts on top of fake outrage, and this is what you get.

Greg Gutfeld: Do you know what it is? And I -- there are a few people who know this, unfortunately. In your life, when you become the subject of a story, that’s when you know it’s fake, because you can -- you actually know all the truth, right? And when the story is being told, and you’re reading it, and you’re going, “That wasn’t in the interview when that guy interviewed me, and that didn’t happen. And I was kidding when I said that, but they’re claiming that I’m serious, and this person” -- it’s when you find out you’re the -- and now we’re watching that in real time with Trump. When Trump makes a joke, you see the media portraying it as fact. You’re actually watching it happen. It’s kind of mind-blowing. All right, I’ve got to wrap. Not “rap,” like rap, but I’ve got to wrap the segment.  [laughter] You young kids out there. Back in a bit.

[commercial break]

Greg Gutfeld: Is he a hero for playing opposite De Niro? Before it came out, we were hearing about the Irishman for months. The special effects, they made De Niro look really young. Joe Pesci came out of retirement for this and kicked ass. Months of hyping this film. Not once has anyone mentioned the real reason to see The Irishman.

[start video clip]

Jonathan Morris: Any remorse for the families?

Male Speaker: I didn't know all the families. I didn't know them except one I knew.

Jonathan Morris: I think we can be sorry even when we don't feel sorry. For us to say -- to make a decision of the will, "God, I am sorry. God, forgive me." And that's a decision of the will.

[end video clip]

Greg Gutfeld: Best part of the film. I didn't even notice the other guy in the film, might I say you put Morris in Remoris? Can I say that?

Tyrus: [laughs]

Greg Gutfeld: Thank you, Tyrus.

Tyrus: Yeah.

Greg Gutfeld: That's the worst joke I've ever made in the history of the world.

Kat Timpf: Don't sell yourself short.

Greg Gutfeld: [laughs]

Tyrus: Wow. See how it starts? See what she did?

Greg Gutfeld: This is not about you guys. This is about the real star.

Jonathan Morris: No.

Greg Gutfeld: He was in a movie, Martin Scorsese film. How did you get the role?

Jonathan Morris: Somebody contacted me. They didn't tell me what the film was, even who was doing the film. Nothing. They sent me the script.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Jonathan Morris: I looked at it. I'm like, "This is kind of dumb."

Greg Gutfeld: Really?

Jonathan Morris: Yeah. I said, "I'm not interested."

Greg Gutfeld: What? Wow, look at you.

Jonathan Morris: They didn't tell me who it was. You know?

Greg Gutfeld: Yes.

Jonathan Morris: I wouldn't’ve even known who -- honest to God, Martin Scorsese, I'd heard the name. De Niro, I'd heard the name.

Tyrus: [laughs]

Jonathan Morris: Like, I was not really into films.

Tyrus: Not a lot of [inaudible] --

Kat Timpf: You know Adam Sandler, so.

Jonathan Morris: So eventually I said, "I'll go, and I'll read the script," and I read it with -- to some casting agent.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Jonathan Morris: And then they said, "Can you go and read the same script to Bob and to Marty tomorrow?" And I said, "I mean, maybe give me their last names?”

[laughter]

Like, Bob and Marty? I had no idea who they were talking about. So, I went down to the Standard Hotel. They had eight professional actors and three real priests. At the time, I was a Catholic priest, and I was totally embarrassed because I saw another priest that I knew. I'm like, "What are we doing here?" You know, like, "Wasting our time doing this movie things." And when I -- when it came to my turn, I said to them, "Guys, listen, I'm not really interested in doing movies for movies sake. I would change the script considerably. And if you want me to do this, this is how I would do it.”

Greg Gutfeld: So cocky, I love it.

Jonathan Morris: It's -- I know. Listen, it's -- this guy lived a life of debauchery, of the islands, all the rest. But in the end, I have seen so many people at the end of their lives so remorseful for not having purpose or existential meaning--

Greg Gutfeld: [laughs]

Jonathan Morris: Right? For all these years. And so, we end up in a very similar situation. What am I going to do now about my past?

Greg Gutfeld: [affirmative] Yeah.

Jonathan Morris: And that's what Bob was -- Robert De Niro was -- that was his situation.

Greg Gutfeld: So that was all you, basically. I mean, I -- that was -- no, you wrote -- that wasn't their script. That was you.

Jonathan Morris: No. We went back and forth. And the next day, I went into the trailer with De Niro and Scorsese, we worked through it again.

Greg Gutfeld: How were they, by the way?

Jonathan Morris: They were awesome.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Jonathan Morris: They were great with me?

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Jonathan Morris: Excellent.

Kat Timpf: But did you get to meet Adam Sandler?

Jonathan Morris: No. Who's that?

Kat Timpf: [gasps]

Greg Gutfeld: Tyrus?

Tyrus: Okay. First of all, congratulations, man. But to go to -- yeah, you can clap.

[applause]

With -- I want to say Schiff says -- when Schiff said -- "look how cocky he was." Bro, his last boss was God. He could literally -- I don't think he's afraid of Martin. You know what I'm saying?

Jonathan Morris: It's Marty, by the way.

[laughter]

Tyrus: Don't get cocky.

[laughter]

But you went in there. You were the realest priest of them all. Now, I get upset when I got on auditions and I get typecast. I always get typecast. You were typecast again. When you really read the script, did you think maybe you were going to a mob guy? You just -- did you see the priest part and be like, "Damn it.”

Jonathan Morris: [laughs] Exactly.

Tyrus: You know what I'm saying? Like, "I got out and they pulled me back in." Like, literally.

Jonathan Morris: I was hoping to be the guy who got beat up.

Tyrus: Well, because you left it behind. You know what I'm saying? Like, you moved on, and then you're a priest again.

Jonathan Morris: No.

Tyrus: It's like you tried to get away from it, but then you're back in.

Jonathan Morris: No. It was awesome because in the end, I think all of us recognize that there are mistakes in our lives that we have to go beyond. And how do we go beyond that? That's not easy. And in the end, this guy who was so important for so many years in this tiny little world -- of the mob world, realized he was all alone and dying. And the only one who he could talk to was this chaplain in this assisted living, and he was saying, "My family has totally abandoned me. What am I going to do?”

Greg Gutfeld: All right.

Jonathan Morris: And he was looking for existential meaning.

Greg Gutfeld: All right. I have --

Tyrus: See, that's the question, Greg.

Greg Gutfeld: I have a question. You were a priest before you took the role, you're not a priest now. Was it the acting bug --

Kat Timpf: [laughs]

Jonathan Morris: That --

Greg Gutfeld: -- that changed, that got you out of the priesthood?

Jonathan Morris: No. No. You know what? I was a priest during the filming.

Greg Gutfeld: Yes.

Jonathan Morris: It had nothing to do with the fact -- I made the decision. I've made it very public because I knew that that's what I had to do.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Jonathan Morris: And it was something that I had thought about for a very, very long time. I loved all the years that I was in the priesthood and all of the many -- I actually visited mob guys in real prison.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Jonathan Morris: Okay. So, like, I've had so many experiences that I never thought I would ever have had. I'm just a guy from the Midwest.

Kat Timpf: To be fair, I've done that, too. But just not as a priest.

Jonathan Morris: Have you?

Kat Timpf: Yeah.

Jonathan Morris: How did they let, like, you pass, like --

Tyrus: Stop. Father. No, no, no, no.

Greg Gutfeld: Don't ask her how she sneaks in the drugs.

Jonathan Morris: No, this is -- I'm very curious about that.

Kat Timpf: [laughs] I was joking.

Jonathan Morris: [laughs]

Greg Gutfeld: Just think about the title of your book. "Re-Morris-Ful.”

Jonathan Morris: Okay.

Greg Gutfeld: "Re-Morris-Ful.”

Tyrus: Say it again.

Greg Gutfeld: Up next [laughs] our favorite fake commercials right after some real ones. "Re-Morris-Ful.”

[commercial break]

Greg Gutfeld: Our first favorite video of the year came after British protesters made headlines this summer by throwing milkshakes at conservative politicians. We imagined what the next James Bond movie might look like if he used the same tactic to defeat his enemies.

[begin video clip]

Male Speaker: Where are you? Where’s the bomb? You can’t get away with this.

Male Speaker: Oh, but, James, I already have. By the time you track me down, it will be too late. [laughter] Oh, James, you’re so predictable. All I have to do is push this button, and the building will be leveled.

Male Speaker: There’s only one thing that can stop a madman like you.

Male Speaker: Wait -- [explosion]

[end video clip]

[laughter]

[applause]

Greg Gutfeld: All right, Tom, two things. That -- you could only do that in one take because you only had one jacket, and you didn’t even flinch.

Tom Shillue: No, I took it, Greg. I took one for the team there. I did throw my underclothes -- threw them away.

Greg Gutfeld: Oh, really?

Tom Shillue: I was not going to bring those home.

Greg Gutfeld: Wow, you are lactose-intolerant, aren’t you? [laughter] But you didn’t flinch. That was good. Okay, this -- and great directing, we have to say, by Tom O’Connor there. This next video was an idea we had after seeing how boring Joe Biden’s campaign events are. It’s a product to help the Democrats energize themselves to the same level as the president.

[begin video clip]

Joe Biden: -- not just for wealthy [unintelligible], not just for people who get four-year college degrees, but those who compete for job training and training in programs --

Male Speaker: Oh, man, this is so boring. Biden is putting everyone to sleep.

Male Speaker: Having trouble paying attention to Uncle Joe?

Male Speaker: Yeah. I want to hear him out, but he’s just so damn boring.

Male Speaker: That’s because he needs a Trump-fusion.

Male Speaker: Trump-fusion? What’s that?

Male Speaker: A Trump-fusion is the process by which the president’s blood is injected into the body of a boring person so that they can inject some energy into otherwise mundane speeches.

Male Speaker: Interesting, but does it work?

Male Speaker: Sure does. Listen.

Donald Trump: I never attacked him on his look, and believe me, there’s plenty of subject matter right there. [laughter]

Male Speaker: Holy crap. You’ve just injected Trump’s blood into Joe Biden? How is that possible? Is that even legal?

Male Speaker: Let’s not get hung up on the details. Just enjoy it.

Donald Trump: We’ve got more money; we’ve got more brains. We’ve got better houses, apartments; we’ve got nicer boats. We’re smarter than they are, and they say the elite. We’re the elite.

Male Speaker: That’s amazing, but what if I’m not running for president, and I just want to be more interesting? Can I get a Trump-fusion?

Male Speaker: Sure can, because Trump-fusion now comes in portable form, so everyone can have some.

Male Speaker: Hey, Karen.

Donald Trump: I don’t wear a toupee. It’s my hair, I swear.

Male Speaker: Oh, my God.

Male Speaker: Thanks, Trump-fusion. This election season is going to be great.

[end video clip]

[applause]

[cheering]

Greg Gutfeld: Great acting, Kat. You did a good job there. Also, Gene Nelson, who’s been both of these so far, excellent theater performer.

Tom Shillue: Amazing voice, Kat, that you were able to capture.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, exactly. All right, let’s move on, shall we? This is awkward. There’s a certain Democrat presidential candidate who’s known for sometimes invading one’s personal space. It got us thinking maybe there’s a way to stop that from happening.

[begin video clip]

Male Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen of the board, profits for the first quarter of 2019 have never been higher. Costs are down, customer satisfaction is through the roof, and it’s all because of the people at this table. I’m so proud of you.

Male Speaker: Do you know someone at work who often gets a little too touchy-feely? It’s not sexual, but it’s not exactly appropriate either. You’re uncomfortable, and have thought about saying something, but you really like the dude, so you say nothing. Well, now you don’t have to. Introducing the ultimate touchy-feely preventer spikes. The highly advanced technology contained in the ultimate touchy-feely preventer spikes guarantees that even the friendliest of coworkers will struggle to make contact with your body. Plus, they’re super-comfortable, so you never have to be uncomfortable ever again. And if you act now, we’ll throw in our all-new anti-hair-sniffing helmet totally free. Available at Kmart.

[end video clip]

[applause]

[cheering]

Greg Gutfeld: It was amazing. I had all those props at home. [laughter] All right, all right. It looks like you had Luigi [spelled phonetically] and Nora [spelled phonetically] in there, who used to work at this show, but are --

Kat Timpf: Rest in peace.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah, the accident was terrible. Our final favorite video of the year is an ad for the president’s southern border wall. We thought it could use a little bit of marketing, something sexy.

[begin video clip]

Female Speaker: Hey there. Are you looking for the hottest border security this side of the Rio Grande? Do you love long, beautiful slats, raw, naked steel, and sexy barriers that are see-through in all the right places? Then you’ll love the all-new southern border wall, perfect for stopping the illegal flow of narcotics, criminals, and migratory land mammals, because it can’t be penetrated. Hear what other famous walls are saying about the southern border wall. Fenway Park’s Green Monster says --

Male Speaker: I would totally bang that wall.

Female Speaker: Says the Great Wall of China --

Male Speaker: [speaking Chinese]

Female Speaker: And the Great Barrier Reef says --

Male Speaker: I haven’t been this turned on since I had that three-way with those tiger sharks.

Female Speaker: So, call now, because one way or another these bricks are getting laid tonight.

[end video clip]

[applause]

[cheering]

Greg Gutfeld: Probably best not to just go to the panel for discussion. Probably?

Tom Shillue: I thought I said some sexual innuendo in that last one, Greg.

Greg Gutfeld: I totally -- it went over my head, but doesn’t everything?

[laughter]

Final thoughts next of the year.

[commercial break]

Male Speaker: Final Thoughts. It's the last thought. That's why it's called the Final Thoughts, okay?

Greg Gutfeld: Jonathan, you have 15 seconds.

Jonathan Morris: I hope these are not like final, final thoughts. Like --

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Jonathan Morris: -- like, saying goodbye. No, but it's almost the end of the year.

Greg Gutfeld: Yeah.

Jonathan Morris: And it's been a year of huge change in my own life. But I think in our country as well, there's so much stuff that's going on constantly, politically, everything. And it's an awesome time to just -- to get some context and say, "What's most important in my life?"

Greg Gutfeld: [affirmative]

Jonathan Morris: And jobs can change. Politics can change. But in the end, what matters most? And I think it has to do with love. And I think that is why existential being has to be grounded in love.

[applause]

Thank you, guys.

Greg Gutfeld: Beautiful. Do we have any time left? Five seconds? We have five seconds?

Tyrus: 2020, year of Tyrus!

[laughter]

Greg Gutfeld: Tom, anything? Kat?

Tom Shillue: It's been a great 10 years, Greg.

Greg Gutfeld: Kat, nothing?

Kat Timpf: I'm out of thoughts.

Greg Gutfeld: You're out of thoughts?

Kat Timpf: I'm out of thoughts.

Greg Gutfeld: Special thanks, Jonathan Morris, Tom Shillue, Kat, Tyrus, our studio audience. We'll see you in 2020.

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