This is a rush transcript from "The Five," April 1, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS HOST: Hello, I'm Jesse Watters along with Judge Jeanine Pirro, Jessica Tarlov, Dagen McDowell, and Greg Gutfeld.

It's 5 o'clock in New York City and this is THE FIVE.

President Biden playing the part on April fools. Boasting about what he calls a booming economy. But little does he know the joke is on him. Biden claims everything is going just great, but even the left-wing media won't defend him.

Politico warning about Biden's sophomore slump with the president failing on just about every single issue. You have to give Joe some credit. Despite his dumpster fire presidency, he sure knows how to spin things.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: It's very clear, Americans are back to work. Our policies are working, and we are getting results for the American people. We need to do more to get prices under control. Putin's invasion of Ukraine has driven up gas prices and food prices all over the world.

It was the previous administration's whose reckless policies and mismanagement led to the record budget deficits. In my administration, let's getting the deficit under control.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: And sadly, it gets worse. The Biden administration continues to prove how clueless and out of touch they really are. Like their solution to the energy crisis, telling everybody just to go out and buy electric cars that they can't even afford.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: We can take advantage of the next generation of electric vehicles, that a typical driver will save about $80 a month from not having to pay gas at the pump.

JENNIFER GRANHOLM, U.S. SECRETARY OF ENERGY: I know that electrical can be expensive at the -- at the dealer, but it's one of the reasons why the president wants to see those tax credits to bring down the price at the dealer so that people can buy electric vehicles and don't have to ever worry about going to fill it up at the gas pump.

PETE BUTTIGIEG, U.S. TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY: Even if all of the oil we use in the USA were made in the USA, the price of it is still subject to the powers and dynamics outside of the USA.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: Dagen, why can't we do both? Why can't the administration officials come out and just say we'll do a little bit of fossil fuel, we'll do a little bit of green, and everybody say, fine, let's go?

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX NEWS CORRESPONDENT: Because they're ideologues, and they have no connection to real-world consequences or facts. So, when it comes to people and their pain instead of, well, you know, I feel that this is hurting you, it's suck it up.

That's why ideologues dictating policy is so dangerous and harmful, number one. They could come out with a giant plan. But this is the policy on energy is as incoherent as Joe Biden himself.

I don't -- Andy Lipow, my go-to guy on energy analysis said the Strategic Petroleum Reserve release is a one-time measure to bridge a supply disruption. It does nothing to get more supplies out of the ground to replace Russian supply. That was in The Wall Street Journal.

So why is Joe Biden castigating and vilifying and putting the hammer down on our own energy producers and then he alienated Saudi Arabia.

WATTERS: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Stop backing and funding the war on the Iran-backed Houthis by Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Kuwait combined, have enough spare production to offset the oil and then some that's come off the market because of Russia. So --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: But Biden needs that Iran nuke deal, Dagen.

MCDOWELL: So -- so, but it's -- yes. We really need the Iran nuke deal.

WATTERS: We really do.

MCDOWELL: So. And then he's begging Venezuela and Iran for more oil rather than Saudi Arabia who won't even pick up his ring a ding-ding, the crown prince. So -- so, what's going on is he is destroying our prosperity and damaging our standard of living, rather than siding with our energy producers.

Now I'll just add one more thing. He's got to stop telling people to buy electric cars. If president poltroon had had one foot in the real world in the last 50 years, he would know that we love to drive, we're a car country, and you never tell anybody, not even your spouse, what kind of vehicle to buy.

WATTERS: That is a good point. And Biden himself doesn't even own an electric car. He owns one of these muscle cars.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CO-HOST: You know, he said, but kind of we're just being too hard on him.

WATTERS: We are.

GUTFELD: I mean, he said, and I just heard him say that you're going to save $80 per month if you get an electric car. So, I did the math, it's going to take me 100 years, $80 a month to afford that electric car.

So, I'm actually, I don't know, I'm actually going to have to go back in time and buy --

JEANINE PIRRO, FOX NEWS CO-HOST: Start.

GUTFELD: -- and start saving in order to do this. It's very -- by the way, $80 bucks a month that's an understatement in the Biden inflation. It's more like $80 a week is what we're paying.

WATTERS: Yes.

GUTFELD: I also take issue with Politico. I think it was unfair to Joe Biden to call it a sophomore slump because that implies, he had a good freshman year. Right? A slump. You know?

If it's been downhill from day one, there's no slump, it's just a slow roll to Armageddon. And I'm wondering where all of the never Trumpers are right now who said that anything was better than Trump. Are you sure? I mean, come on. I know the mean tweets they made you sad at night, you couldn't sleep. The psychological damage is there. Your PTSD over his -- over his insults were just too hard to take. But you got -- you got inflation, you got crime. I mean, come on.

WATTERS: And Politico spun the slump too, Judge. They were like, the president he can't do that much with inflation.

PIRRO: Yes.

WATTERS: You know, he can't make Manchin do everything. So, it's not all Joe's fault.

PIRRO: Yes. Well, they got it right. He can't do much. That's the end of the sentence. Period. But you know what amazes me about this electric car thing is that they want everyone to buy. Right? And they want -- they want to give money and subsidize the car manufacturers. So, we don't get money to buy the car. The car manufacturers get money so that they can sell it a little cheaper so that we can buy it.

I mean, that's what they're doing and they're doing it right in front of us. And you know the saddest part of all this, is that every senior citizen watching the show right now who was -- who lives on a fixed income, and can barely afford to keep his or her car up to date and pay for gas, cannot even think about an electric car.

And my final point is, you know the battery, someone mentioned this to me the other day, the batteries for electric cars, you know the ones that are made of lithium from Afghanistan that we get from China, hey, Joe, you don't have a connection to China, do you? Your son Hunter wasn't involved in China, was it not? I got it wrong, I'm sure.

Do you know how big those batteries are? They are huge.

WATTERS: Yes.

PIRRO: When you get rid of that electric car, what do you do with that hazardous waste, you and your green energy pals, Joe?

WATTERS: Yes, what we do with all that battery acid, Jessica?

JESSICA TARLOV, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I think we blame Hunter Biden. Isn't that --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes. Finally.

WATTERS: We'll be right back.

TARLOV: Isn't that the vibe? So, I've been taking notes for everything I want to touch. One, Greg, you can afford an electric car. Right?

GUTFELD: But I'm talking about the viewer at home. It's not about me, Jessica, how dare you.

TARLOV: OK. So, the reason that we have heard from Joe Biden today is because we had a really great jobs report. But no one has mentioned that. And even --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: It was --

TARLOV: No, no.

PIRRO: We did. We did.

GUTFELD: It was short by 60,000.

PIRRO: It was good.

TARLOV: She said it.

GUTFELD: I dispute it.

TARLOV: It was good.

GUTFELD: I dispute it.

TARLOV: We are going to run out of time. I got to get --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: That was my goal.

TARLOV: OK. So, we have a 3.6 percent unemployment rate, which is nearing the 50-year low. That's a really big deal that we've gotten there. That doesn't mean that inflation isn't a problem. By the way, it's a global problem. It's not only a problem that the United States is having, but we are seeing, which I find really interesting is, a Democratic voter, a real fisher between what's going on with Biden and what's going on with moderate Democrats running across the country.

And the question now will be if people running on the congressional level in these moderate districts like Abigail Spanberger, Elissa Slotkin, et cetera, who is now even supporting legislation about securing the border, and she does have a national security background, so that's important to that, will be running ahead of the president.

And so, I'm not saying that I think that the Democrats are going to win in November. It still obviously looks like a Republican win when you look at the congressional ballot. But you have to think at this point is it feasible that Democrats will outperform the president and how often does that happen throughout history. Not often.

WATTERS: I think everybody is outperforming the president right now.

PIRRO: My dogs.

MCDOWELL: He's making -- Joe Biden is making Jimmy Carter's administration look better and better.

WATTERS: All right. Coming up, Dr. Fauci refusing to admit lockdowns were a total failure as we get some bombshell data on how harmful they really were.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

MCDOWELL: A stunning report from the CDC confirming the devastating impact that liberal lockdowns had on the mental health of teenagers. The agency reporting more than 40 percent of teens said they felt persistently sad or hopeless during the pandemic. Dr. Tony Fauci showing no remorse whatsoever, refusing to say that lockdowns didn't work even though Johns Hopkins said they had a major negative impact.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANTHONY FAUCI, DIRECTOR, NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ALLERGY AND INFECTIOUS DISEASES: You know, I don't think we'll ever going to be able to determine what the right balance is. Obviously, when you do have that kind of restriction on society, there are unintended negative consequences, particularly in children who are not allowed to go to school and the psychological and mental health aspects that it has upon children, and the economic stress that it puts on society in general, on individual families, obviously those are negative consequences that are unintended. One has to look at the balance of lives save, hospitalizations avoided.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

MCDOWELL: That's basically what he said. And the CDC director this week defended letting the powerful teachers unions dictate COVID guidelines that the agency was more than happy to adopt that shutdown schools.

Greg, I called the teacher's union power-hungry science to (Inaudible) hate children.

GUTFELD: Well, you know a lot of the stuff that he talked about was unnecessary, specifically to children, because children were like, in this pandemic unlike previous pandemics or pre-resistant, you didn't to -- you didn't have to lock them up. You didn't have to outdoor mask them. You didn't have to isolate them. Because they were the most resistant to the virus.

Yet we did that because of the teacher's unions and politicians chose to cover their butts instead of helping their students. But the problem is that the mental health of normal teens is already a problem. Right?

The pandemic is not great for all ages, but teens are already emotionally vulnerable. It's a very bad time. If you're going through puberty. If you got pimples. I'm coming from a personal side here. My teenage years were a bit rough.

WATTERS: You wanted a mask then.

GUTFELD: I wanted a mask. But then you got -- then you got them trapped at home and what do they have? They have TikTok. So, where the worst attention-seeking behavior is indulged. So, it's a double whammy. They are putting doors away from actual external stimulation. You know, hiking, being around other people, and instead, they're inside.

And what's applied to them are social media algorithms to their brains that is there to generate discord and anxiety and just, I don't know, conflict. So, it was bad.

PIRRO: Yes.

MCDOWELL: And I've had personal experiences with some of these problems and it's just devastating. Teenagers felt like their lives were over. But the CDC was taking orders from the teacher's union.

WATTERS: They were, and tell me if this is wrong, but we should file a lawsuit child abuse against Fauci. Defendant, the left, plaintiff, America because he ruined all of our lives and our children's lives.

You are right. You are not getting any exercise, if you are isolated, you're staring at a screen all day and you're alone at home with your parents. That alone is enough to make any teenager go crazy.

GUTFELD: But, Jesse, it has been great for our ratings.

WATTERS: It has -- Greg, our ratings are going to be good no matter what. OK?

GUTFELD: OK. I just wanted to put that out.

WATTERS: Now, your body and your soul and your spirit are designed for intimacy. For human contact. For human closeness. Not that kind of intimacy, you sick son of a -- especially at that age where you're just learning to socialize.

GUTFELD: Right.

WATTERS: You're becoming who you are, you're learning who you are through social interactions. You can't even hold hands. You can't even go to gym class. Now that is the best class of all time.

GUTFELD: If you're a bully.

WATTERS: Or if you are somewhat athletic. God, you are such a wimp sometimes. So, I really believe that Fauci screwed everybody over and he still won't admit it.

PIRRO: Yes.

WATTERS: If you can say hey, you know what, it was a tough call, we booted it but we're trying to get it right, I respect that. You can't respect a guy who won't own up to his own mistakes.

PIRRO: Well, he --

MCDOWELL: You know how partisan he is? When he was asked by Neil Cavuto about Fauci -- about Eric Adams, given the vaccine exemptions for athletes and performers, he said, I'm not going to be taking sides.

WATTERS: Right.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: What a sack of crap.

PIRRO: Well, it is -- it is, as you said, but more than that it's just stupid. And I'll tell you why because you've got Johns Hopkins who did some major research about the negative impact of the total lockdown. We already know that total lockdown is not the answer. And this guy doesn't have the hutzpah to admit that he was wrong. It's not even about politics. It didn't make you wrong. And that's what we get, we deserve it. It should be class action for relying on one guy, one guy who can't even admit he was wrong or he can't even say, you know, maybe it wasn't a good idea. I'm so sick of him.

By anyway, I have some points I want to make.

GUTFELD: Go.

PIRRO: The problem with Joe --

(CROSSTALK)

TARLOV: That's not what was --

PIRRO: OK. Here is the problem. And by the way, you probably don't know this, but there are five million orphans, kids who t were orphaned as a result of COVID. All right. Did you know that?

GUTFELD: Worldwide.

PIRRO: Worldwide. Five million children, which is as many as the people -- the number -- those people who died. But for the teenagers, you know, you've got kids, and for little kids, it was good. They were home with mommy and daddy is part of that structure, but the teenagers were kind of like, I hate my mom and dad, I love my mom and dad, and I want to go out, I want to go to the prom. I want to have the lead in the school play.

All of that stuff. They've lost it. They've lost their dreams. And you know what, American kids are not like a lot of kids, like the kids in Ukraine. You know, what is, 16, 18, they've got their Uzi, their Uzis or their Kolesnikovs.

You know, our American kids aren't like that. And so, they're not like -- they are suffering from real depression. They go to alcohol. They go to drugs. It's coming into the coming. It's lace with Fentanyl. I just heard about another death today, a friend of mine's daughter in Connecticut. So, it's been a nightmare for them and the social media makes it worse. That's all.

MCDOWELL: Jess?

TARLOV: OK. So, it wasn't just for your class action suit, you're going to have to include some Republicans. Because the Republican governors in states like Maryland, Ohio, Massachusetts who also went for extreme lockdowns. I'm not saying they weren't quicker to revise the policy and even Democratic Governor Jared Polis in Colorado was one of the fastest to knuckle back to the mask mandates.

But when COVID-19 got here, no one knew anything about it and this isn't just in defense of liberal overreach or whatever. And I know that I'm very lucky I I got to get a home studio and I got to work from home from my other job. That is not how it works for a lot of people and certainly not how it works for our frontline and essential workers.

But when you don't know anything, I -- I do want people in positions of power to say I want to do the thing that can keep you the safest and I know that if you are in your home, you will be safer than if you're interacting with people outside of your household. And I don't think that any of us can do --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: It's not true though.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: I mean, the outside, being outside.

TARLOV: But that, even that research came six months in. I'm saying the problem is, is that we didn't update in real time.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TARLOV: And that people would've been much more forgiving if that had happened. I started walking around outside with no mask when that information came out. And as liberals it can be, I live in Downtown Manhattan. And there are people in mask, and people who decided they didn't want to. That's your prerogative forever.

But the problem is, if you are not willing to update the guidance, then people lose faith in you. And there was a New York Times piece about the suicide rate in teens, about eight to 10 months into the pandemic out of Colorado, and that was the first major red flag that I saw coming out of, quote, "liberal media" about this where --

MCDOWELL: Because they weren't covering it. When it was, they could've gotten on the horn and called any of their relatives, potentially across this nation and heard stories everywhere --

(CROSSTALK)

TARLOV: But it was --

MCDOWELL: -- about people trying -- young people trying to kill themselves.

TARLOV: But I'm saying that it was --

(CROSSTALK)

MCDOWELL: And they didn't (Inaudible) about it because they didn't give a damn.

TARLOV: They did. It was a piece. I'm saying it was written about. And the way that they were detecting the rise in mental health problems it was by monitoring the devices these kids got to take home because they were giving them iPods and computers and they were Googling things about how to end their lives or I'm feeling depressed and things like that. And that's another marker that we could have used for revision and policy to have made this a little bit more tolerable for young people.

MCDOWELL: The fog of war is a fair excuse early in 2020, but the teacher's union was e-mailing and putting the hammer down on the CDC a little bit more than a year ago. DeSantis in Florida reopened the schools in the fall of 2020. And he was castigated by the very media that you championed.

Up next, an Oscars insider revealing brand news details --

TARLOV: Yes.

MCDOWELL: -- behind that famous slap. What really happened between Chris Rock and Will Smith?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PIRRO: More new twists in the Oscars slap gate saga. An insider in charge of the broadcast revealing why the cops did not arrest Will Smith after he slapped Chris Rock.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

WILL PACKER, 2022 OSCARS PRODUCER: They were saying, you know, this is battery, was the word they used in that moment. They said we will go get him. We are prepared. We're prepared to get him right now. You can press charges. We can arrest him. And Chris was he being very dismissive of those options. He was like no, I'm fine. He was like, no, no, no.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PIRRO: The Oscars producer also explaining why he thinks Will Smith still got a standing ovation, even though he just assaulted someone minutes before.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PACKER: I think that the people in that room who stood up, stood up for somebody who they knew, right? Who was a peer, who was a friend, who was a brother, who has a three decades plus long career of being the opposite of what we saw in that moment.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PIRRO: All right. So, there you have, Jesse, the Oscar producer saying, they stood up not because -- not at all influenced by his slapping Chris Rock, but because he's a great actor.

WATTERS: He doesn't speak for the audience. He doesn't know at all why they clap or not. And I don't even know why they clapped. But I'm happy that LAPD was ready to make the arrest, that makes me feel better because from the way the story ran out first, it looked like the LAPD was out for lunch. So that's good.

And I do understand why Chris declined to press charges. As a man you cannot press charges against another man for slapping you in the face, that is the weakest thing you could possibly do, so I get that. I do want to see this footage that they haven't released from another camera angle that shows the minute he made the joke, Jada looked at her husband, three seconds later he rushed to stage. So that has to come out.

But the story is not over until Will Smith sits down with either Gayle King or Robin Roberts for an exclusive five camera shoot --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Right. But why can't be you, Jesse?

PIRRO: Yes.

WATTERS: Or Primetime and explains what went down and then the story will be over.

PIRRO: But you know what, that's going to be something that will be hash over, it will be something that they've already trained --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Of course.

GUTFELD: Yes, they got you the --

WATTERS: Of course.

PIRRO: It's not worth it. Here's the bottom line.

WATTERS: Should I ambush him?

PIRRO: You really don't need to know whether or not she signaled Will Smith. Let's assume that Jada signaled Will Smith and said go get him. Does it really matter?

WATTERS: Well I'd like to know. I want to see all the angles like it was an assassination.

PIRRO: OK, all right, so the LAPD allegedly now was ready to arrest him for battery as they should have been. This is a battery. It is a crime. But apparently, Chris Rock didn't want to do it. But I'm wondering if they would have or should have taken him out of the auditorium.

GUTFELD: They probably -- they probably should have. But yes, in a quarter law, battery, but in real life, bitch slap.

WATTERS: Right.

GUTFELD: So, you can't -- and this kit over here, what's his name again? Jesse, that's right? I think that there is -- the best place to have these two is have them together on Rogan because there is no planning. If you get -- if you get Chris Rock and Will Smith --

WATTERS: They'll be there.

GUTFELD: But what I'm tired of -- what I'm tired of hearing is how people are so traumatized over this. People -- these are people who weren't paying attention to what's going on in Ukraine. It's like, you have Amy Schumer, I'm taking a month off. You Wanda Sykes, I'm -- it's like these are the people that are traumatized if their, you know, skim latte didn't have enough skim or it wasn't plant-based.

PIRRO: Oh, but you see, the good news now --

WATTERS: How do you think people feel in Chicago when bullets are flying by? They're traumatized, not Amy.

PIRRO: But the good news now is the left is starting to understand crime when it applies to them, Dagen. That now the comedians, whether it's Jim Carrey is looking for an arrest, and Amy Schumer, and Wanda Sykes. They're all scared now they may be a victim of a crime. Now they want the cops to arrest people.

MCDOWELL: Well, it's because they're trying to make this story about them.

PIRRO: Of course.

MCDOWELL: That's how you turn it around. And I'm in danger, like AOC. I was -- you know, couldn't go to the Amazon rally because my safety, but she went to the Met Gala. I think that the Academy is trying to drag this out. You know, the board meeting isn't until April 18, I think.

And this is good publicity. And you know, people will tune in if they can let it just roll on for month after month after month, they'll tune in. Certainly, we're talking about it now that movie where the lady janitor was stripping the fish man. People weren't talking about that Best Picture winner an hour after it won.

And by the way, I just want to point something out. I don't know if Vice mentioned it earlier in the week, but the very first person who was kicked out, expelled from the Academy was a guy Carmine Caridi, who was in Godfather II and III who has given out his screener VHS tapes to other people.

WATTERS: Oh, you can't do and that.

MCDOWELL: And that was actually right around the time that Roman Polanski, the convicted child rapist won an Academy Award 25 years after he raped and drugged that young girl. And he got a partial --

PIRRO: OK, let me --

MCDOWELL: He got a partial standing ovation from Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep stood up for a child rapist. That's worth noting.

PIRRO: Jessica, the association of -- the American Association of Motion Pictures issued a statement Wednesday saying while we'd like to clarify that Mr. Smith was asked to leave this ceremony and refused, we recognize we could have handled the situation differently. That's kind of up in the air. If they asked him to leave, did he have the right to refuse? I mean, ultimately, he did.

TARLOV: I don't think so. I have to say, and it's running a little counterculture to what Dagen was saying, I think the Academy has handled this really well in the aftermath of it. If you now consider the fact that they did ask him to leave, they had the LAPD ready there to arrest him, and that was Chris Rock's decision to say, hold on, I don't want to do this.

I'm not really sure when you have something so shocking happen, right, to the point that I believe that a lot of that applause was out of shock, that people just didn't know what to do.

WATTERS: Like, don't hit me.

TARLOV: Or just what are we going to do right now. We're sitting on camera. This is someone again, we'd known 30 years. He's the most decorated Nickelodeon star of all time. And this is -- this is a person who is a hero to children. I've been watching TV and you hear his voice. There's a new animated film coming out.

PIRRO: And that's the saddest part.

TARLOV: It is the saddest part. And the example that that sets that your hero will just walk on stage and assault someone -- and that's not to say - -

PIRRO: Yes, and then curse them out.

TARLOV: But I'm sure you guys have mentioned prior that we also saw such as a sad spectacle of someone clearly dealing with a mental health crisis playing out right in front of us. Whatever Jada said to him or didn't say to him, you have to be really on the brink of something.

MCDOWELL: Yes, but I'm not -- I'm not --

(CROSSTALK)

MCDOWELL: If smack somebody -- if I smacked somebody, I'd be fired.

PIRRO: "THE FASTEST" is up next. "THE FASTEST" --

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

TARLOV: Welcome back. Time for "THE FASTEST." First up, take notice, Jesse, minivans are now cool. Millennial parents are getting in on the trend trading in their fancy SUVs for the apparently hip family haulers including Kim Kardashian who just spent 400 grand on one.

Are you getting rid of your SUV?

WATTERS: No, these aren't cool. I'm not falling for it. We had one when I was growing up, and I've never seen my dad loses patience like this time. We were driving and my sister and I were in the back of the minivan, and we were kind of making fun of the car. We were going, go minivan, go minivan go. Go minivan, go minivan go. And he lost it, and my dad is the most patient man. And I think the dad it bothered him that he owned a minivan.

TARLOV: Anybody else ride a minivans when they were young?

PIRRO: No.

GUTFELD: I'm too old.

TARLOV: They didn't have a cars when you were young?

GUTFELD: This story is so ridiculous. A 400 grand minivan is --

TARLOV: It wasn't my buy, yes.

GUTFELD: It's like mistaking a Faberge Egg for an Egg McMuffin, right? This is not a -- it's not even a minivan. It's a -- it's a luxury sprinter van, probably Mercedes.

TARLOV: It is.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TARLOV: Thanks for reading the --

MCDOWELL: I rode in the back of -- dad put us in the back of the pickup truck like in the bed, in the open bed.

PIRRO: With the dog?

MCDOWELL: No, but it does teach you about the fragility of life. And it teaches you who's in charge.

WATTERS: Gravity.

MCDOWELL: Clinging on for dear life.

TARLOV: I do think there is something to this though about millennials, generation. I'm a member of driving these kinds of dorky cars. Like, my sister lives in L.A., leads a very cool L.A. life, and they have a Subaru. I always thought Subarus were super dorky.

WATTERS: They are.

TARLOV: But there are some cool people like my sister who I don't think you would --

WATTERS: I've never met her.

GUTFELD: You have yet to beat your sister, so that's --

WATTERS: I've never met her. The jury is still out.

GUTFELD: -- that's up for grabs. Bring real evidence, Jessica.

(CROSSTALK)

PIRRO: OK.

GUTFELD: This is untenable.

TARLOV: OK, up next, employers say they're baffled by the casual dress choices their workers are returning to the office with. People are rocking blazers with hoodies, dress sneakers with a suit, and even T-shirts. Judge?

PIRRO: Are you kidding? I go to the airport, they walk on in their pajamas, and we're not even going across the country. We're going for two hours. Everybody wants -- everything went the hell in a handbasket after the pandemic. Nobody has any style anymore. Everybody is just hoodies.

GUTFELD: I've seen you dress pretty casual in the office, Judge.

PIRRO: Yes, I do. I do it for you, Greg.

GUTFELD: I know you do. That's why I call you around hanging out by the women's room.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Maybe I'll just see one --

PIRRO: That's enough.

TARLOV: This trend has been going on for a while though, even pre-pandemic. Certainly, the sneakers with the suits.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TARLOV: And the hoodies and the blazers. Is it --

PIRRO: Yes, Kamala did it.

TARLOV: On the cover of Vogue, in fact.

GUTFELD: Don't wear -- men should not wear sandals. You know, here's the --

MCDOWELL: No, yes, yes, flip flops.

GUTFELD: They have flip-flops, it works. It's just like you can't wear at work what you wear at home. It's just kind of weird. It just basically sends a message that you're just a lazy loser.

PIRRO: Yes.

WATTERS: Dagen foot-shames me one time during the pandemic. I came in to do a hit with my flip-flops and my shorts, and man, I have not felt that humiliated since sophomore years.

MCDOWELL: Men should not wear flip flops ever. You have hair on your toes. I don't want to see it.

TARLOV: What do you wear to the beach then?

WATTERS: Hairy toes?

MCDOWELL: Well, you're not at the beach. Jesse was at work and he was --

TARLOV: But they can wear it to the beach?

MCDOWELL: Well, just Crocs.

PIRRO: Oh, Crocs.

MCDOWELL: I wear --

GUTFELD: Crocs are amazing.

PIRRO: Yeah, but not at the beach.

GUTFELD: There's a reason why they sell like four billion of them. They're amazing. Crocs are great when you have a wet lawn. Let me tell you. And that is not a euphemism, Jesse, so shut up.

MCDOWELL: That's your first hand, wet lawn.

TARLOV: This robot promises to make the backpack obsolete. The Gitamini will carry 20 pounds of your stuff and follow you everywhere. Anyone want a Gitamini?

WATTERS: See, this couldn't fly in Manhattan. People would just kick it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: They'd kick it over or kick it into the gutter. That wouldn't fly.

PIRRO: How close does it stay to you?

TARLOV: I don't know, but close --

PIRRO: They'll steal it.

WATTERS: Right.

PIRRO: Are you kidding?

WATTERS: Or kick it down the stairs into the subway.

GUTFELD: You already have one of those. It's called Johnny.

PIRRO: Oh, don't talk about Johnny like that.

WATTERS: Yes, but Johnny talks back.

TARLOV: Guys, yes, Johnny is the best.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know what, I told you, tape him shut.

WATTERS: That's true. I know. I know. I need to borrow some of your tapes.

GUTFELD: Some of your tapes, Jesse. That's what you do.

TARLOV: Last 20 seconds, Johnny appreciation. Everyone say something nice about Johnny.

WATTERS: No, we don't have to do that. Stop.

MCDOWELL: You have to buy him one of those.

WATTERS: It's true.

TARLOV: He doesn't deserve this.

PIRRO: Yes, we all love Johnny.

TARLOV: We love you, Johnny. "FAN MAIL FRIDAY" is up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: I miss Agnes Moorehead. All right, first question. Judge, pay attention.

PIRRO: Are we on?

GUTFELD: Yes. First question is what was your first magazine subscription? That's a really interesting question. I bet people don't even know what that is anymore. Jessica, you read magazines --

PIRRO: Didn't you just asked me?

GUTFELD: No, I said pay attention. All right, I'll go to you first, crazy lady.

PIRRO: Seventeen.

GUTFELD: 17, really? How old were you?

PIRRO: 16, 15, I guess I wanted to be 17.

GUTFELD: Oh, saucy. What --

TARLOV: This is wild and completely true. That was my first magazine subscription just five years after her.

GUTFELD: Wow, geez. And here I thought you'd say a boy's life. Wasn't that a boy's life?

WATTERS: I don't know.

GUTFELD: I don't either. I never -- I never understood that book -- that magazine, Boy's Life. Did you ever see that?

WATTERS: That was before my time, I think.

GUTFELD: What about you?

WATTERS: I had a Sports Illustrated.

GUTFELD: Of course, you did.

WATTERS: What else am I supposed to have?

GUTFELD: I don't know. I don't know.

WATTERS: I actually had National Geographic also. My grandmother got that one for me.

GUTFELD: Yes, and I know why.

WATTERS: Why, Greg?

GUTFELD: Well, because you couldn't go in and get Playboy. Dagen?

MCDOWELL: I think it was Mad.

GUTFELD: Mad. I thought so too. I remember -- but I love buying Mad. I like going into the supermarket and buying it. I bought it every month. But I think I might have even got a subscription.

MCDOWELL: I think it was like a Christmas gift for me.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Because my parents just -- you know, they knew I was crazy and they couldn't fix it.

GUTFELD: I subscribe too. I have to say it's Dynamite.

WATTERS: Dynamite.

GUTFELD: Remember Dynamite?

MCDOWELL: Oh, my God, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, silly, silly thing. All right, what is the most unnecessary thing you have bought online? Oh my God, that's everything that I've ever bought. What about you, Dagen?

MCDOWELL: False eyelashes that I didn't wear.

GUTFELD: Oh, you had -- still have them?

MCDOWELL: Upstairs, there's long --

GUTFELD: Yes, just leave them on my desk over the weekend. I'll come pick them up.

MCDOWELL: Strips long.

GUTFELD: Yes, I love those. Jesse?

WATTERS: I'm embarrassed. I don't want to say what I bought. I bought a lot of bad things.

GUTFELD: Like what?

WATTERS: And I don't want to ruin the company's reputation.

PIRRO: Oh.

WATTERS: Because they might be medically necessary for millions of people. But it's embarrassing.

GUTFELD: Oh, my God. Now, I need to know.

MCDOWELL: A catheter.

WATTERS: Oh, why would I need that?

GUTFELD: A lot of people use catheters.

TARLOV: Yes.

GUTFELD: Let's move on. The producers goes, get away from the catheters. Jessica, unnecessary thing?

TARLOV: Like, half of what I bought for the baby.

GUTFELD: Ah.

TARLOV: They don't need that much. I mean, some of the devices are great. Like, there's the spatula to put on diaper creams, you don't get on your hands. Like, that's great.

PIRRO: Yes, that is great.

TARLOV: But otherwise, you buy all these shush machines and --

PIRRO: They work.

TARLOV: Some of that. But when you have --

GUTFELD: I wish I had a shush machine now.

TARLOV: You know what the less looks like.

PIRRO: Yes, I know. But the shush machine is good.

GUTFELD: Yes, tell me about it.

TARLOV: I don't shush Cleo. I tap down to her.

PIRRO: Shush, it goes like that.

GUTFELD: Judge, unnecessary.

PIRRO: Well, no, they were necessary at the time, but when I got them, they didn't function as necessary. They were dog toys. What a shock.

GUTFELD: There you go.

PIRRO: You're supposed to have squeaks in them but the squeaks didn't work.

GUTFELD: Oh, my God.

PIRRO: So, what was I supposed to do, send them back?

GUTFELD: I would I would be very upset. That's a problem.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: That's a problem.

PIRRO: Three dogs are standing there waiting for them to squeak and they didn't squeak. Next question.

GUTFELD: All right, all right, what bad habit has followed you since college, Jesse?

WATTERS: I don't have bad habits. Are you kidding me? I don't have a bad habit.

GUTFELD: You h have -- your life is a bad habit.

WATTERS: No, I don't have any bad habits. I got rid of those a long time ago.

GUTFELD: Jessica?

TARLOV: Scraping the top off the crumble like in the dining hall. You know, there'd be like a huge dessert and you just show up early to the dining hall and eat the best part of it. And now, when I get --

PIRRO: You mean for everybody else or your own?

TARLOV: Well, I take it personally but I am stealing food from other people. And now, I still --

PIRRO: Theft.

TARLOV: I am a thief.

WATTERS: Lock her up.

GUTFELD: Lock her up. Judge, bad habit that's followed you since college?

PIRRO: No, I had a bad habit in college but I quit -- I quit it. Oh, that's good. Was it heroin?

WATTERS: What was his name?

MCDOWELL: Good of you, girl.

GUTFELD: Dagen?

MCDOWELL: Bong and beers. I just love it. No, I'm kidding. Biting my fingernails. That's why I sit on set like this.

GUTFELD: Oh, I put my -- I bite my fingernails. It's terrible. I am not even interested in quitting. But I think I started that before college.

WATTERS: How's your mole doing?

GUTFELD: It's doing good. It worked.

WATTERS: How is it worked?

GUTFELD: A tea tree oil helps a while but I think I'm going to have to go back into the dermatologist and do that little --

WATTERS: Laser?

TARLOV: The freezing?

GUTFELD: The freezing thing. It's so much fun to watch and it feels kind of good. But then it never works. Anyway, we'll talk about my wart later. We're doing a special after" SPECIAL REPORT" of Greg's wart, one hour, no commercials.

WATTERS: Greg, that's my hour.

GUTFELD: I know. We're preempting Jesse with my wart. All right, we're fair and balanced on warts. "ONE MORE THING" is up next.

TARLOV: And unafraid.

GUTFELD: And unafraid, my wart.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WATTERS: It's time now for "ONE MORE THING." Very Happy Birthday to Jesse Jr. who turns one today. We celebrated his birthday the other day with the fam. There they are. The twins blowing out the first birthday candle. He couldn't really get that much air into his lungs, so they helped him out there.

And we got some balloons he was fascinated with. And there we are posing next to the very expensive cake which he didn't eat but we all did. There he is. My father it looks like he's about to fall asleep in the background. Yes, again, I'm very proud of the cake.

PIRRO: The cake is beautiful.

WATTERS: Emma is very proud of the cake. And we're very proud of Jesse Jr. Happy birthday to him. "JESSE WATTERS PRIMETIME" tonight at 7:00, we have Mel Gibson and exclusive interview --

PIRRO: Is that what he looks like?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: He looks great, Judge. And -- not as good as Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Up next.

GUTFELD: Yes, I look fantastic. And my show tonight, I got Piers Morgan. We haven't seen enough of him. Kayleigh McEnany, Kat Timpf, and Tyrus. It's going to be -- oh, it's a great show. Let's do this -- or not. There we go.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Animals are great! Animals are great! Animals are great!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I always wonder, if you ask somebody to scratch your back, is that an H.R. violation? Like, if you really have an itch in the middle?

WATTERS: No.

GUTFELD: Well, these guys, it's totally, totally, you know, OK to scratch a friend's back when they've got an itch like this little fella here. That's a seal, Jessica.

WATTERS: It depends on where the itch is.

GUTFELD: Yes, of course, where it is. It's always between the shoulder blades for me.

PIRRO: It is?

WATTERS: I got itch.

GUTFELD: Yes, you want to scratch it?

PIRRO: No.

GUTFELD: OK. Don't ask, Judge.

PIRRO: I didn't asked. I just asked you to confirm where it is.

WATTERS: All right, Judge, we're confirming you're next.

PIRRO: OK, all right, I've always been fascinated -- there's a camera. I've always been fascinated by lightning, OK, and -- OK, so look at this. These are veins of lightning streaking across the sky in slow motion, I don't think it's slow motion, during an Alabama thunderstorm.

Jason McCann was storm chasing while headed back to his hotel when he captured the rare upward lightning strike. The video has gone viral with people saying it looks like something out of a Star Wars movie. Others summed up the video in just two words, Holy Moly. OK, storm chasing video.

WATTERS: That's good stuff. Jessica, can you beat the storm chasing veins of lightning?

TARLOV: I'm going to try. So, Ukraine native Lanika Shenko is the head custodian at Oak Hill Elementary in Covington, Georgia. She's been there for 21 years. She was reminded this month just how much support she has at Oak Hill when the teachers and students decorated the halls in honor of Ukraine since Miss Lanlika still has many family members living there.

She discovered this surprise and was overwhelmed by the sweet gesture. She's asking everyone to keep praying for the people of Ukraine.

PIRRO: I love that.

TARLOV: Thank you.

PIRRO: I did.

WATTERS: Ukrainian school custodian. That's (INAUDIBLE). Go ahead, Dagen.

MCDOWELL: A retiring TSA dog got this at the Hawaii airport. Bruno retired. He got a tennis ball, a squeaky tennis ball drop. Is that the coolest thing? I want that for my birthday. And he also got a bone-shaped cake.

WATTERS: Those ball better squeak, right, Judge? When you get a toy and doesn't squeak, you got to send it back.

MCDOWELL: They squeak.

TARLOV: That's why it's the best?

WATTERS: All right, we got to go. That's it for us. Have a great weekend, everybody. Bret is interviewing Zelenskyy next.

END

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