Thanksgiving fan mail extravaganza on 'The Five'

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Thanksgiving fan mail extravaganza on 'The Five'

Jesse Watters, Jedediah Bila, Juan Williams, Dana Perino and Greg Gutfeld answer viewer questions on Thanksgiving.

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," November 22, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

JESSE WATTERS, CO-HOST: Hello everybody. I'm Jesse Watters along with Jedediah Bila, Juan Williams, Dana Perino, and Greg Gutfeld. This is "The Five."

Welcome to our Thanksgiving fan mail extravaganza, your questions for the entire hour on this very special edition of The Five. So grab those stretch pants and the drumstick and let's begin. All right, first question, Instagram question from Ms. Cozy, if you were a character, Greg, on a float in the Thanksgiving parade, what would you be?

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Hmm. that's a good question. I guess I - - hmm, what's a float?

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: I've never been to a Thanksgiving day parade. I guess I'd be Snoopy.

WATTERS: Snoopy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: That's the only character you know.

GUTFELD: The only one I know. I haven't seen a float since I was like three.

WATTERS: You don't watch that on Thanksgiving.

GUTFELD: Well, no. Parades are terrible for short people.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Do you know what they have at the Macy's day parade now?

GUTFELD: What?

PERINO: Elf on a shelf.

GUTFELD: Oh, really?

PERINO: They have that on the float.

GUTFELD: Something you can look up to.

WATTERS: You think that was you and me?

PERINO: No, I was thinking for him.

GUTFELD: The cruelest people about height are usually the people who are shorter.

PERINO: I would be on any of the floats that have the country music bands playing.

WATTERS: OK. That's a good one. Juan, you look disgusted.

JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: I can't believe that Greg never went to a Thanksgiving Day parade?

GUTFELD: Well, I grew up on the west coast, so we didn't have paraded back then. They're ban in California.

WILLIAMS: What are you talking about? Don't you have the Rose Bowl at Christmas?

GUTFELD: The footprints actually hurts the earth and the bugs --

WATTERS: The crickets.

GUTFELD: And the crickets.

WILLIAMS: I'll tell the Rose Bowl parade --

GUTFELD: That's Southern California. I'm Northern California, we don't have parades. Well, we have certain parades. But we don't have --

(LAUGHTER)

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Being short, you can't see behind people so what's the point?  I'm not going to sit on Jesse's shoulders like last year.

WILLIAMS: So I think -- I would want my grandkids to watch me --

WATTERS: Right.

WILLIAMS: -- so their favorites are like Van Perina, do you know this? And ladybug --

WATTERS: OK.

WILLIAMS: And then, I think, Eli, my grandson, likes Tin Tin.

WATTERS: Tin Tin.

WILLIAMS: I don't know if they're float. That's the problem.

WATTERS: What about you, Jedediah?

JEDEDIAH BILA, CO-HOST: I don't know if -- like what is a float and what isn't? But if there's a superhero float --

PERINO: Yeah, they've got that. They got Wonder Woman.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Does it have to be a woman?  BILA: I could be Spiderman.

GUTFELD: Yes, break out of your boxes.

BILA: That would make me feel proud.

WATTERS: OK. I wouldn't be a float, I'd be the grand marshal. I think that's probably appropriate.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

WATTERS: Next question from Greg's favorite person, Frenchy Firecracker on Instagram, wants to know what's your best funny snow story in New York City? Jedediah, funniest New York City snow story?

BILA: Oh, gosh. I mean, so many. Most of them involve me falling. I fall a lot. I trip over everything. Oh, gosh. There was a time that we went sledding and we all bought sleds and we were supposed to race, and I had the sled upside down. Everybody started. Don't ask how, Jesse.

WATTERS: How do you do that?

BILA: Sometimes things just happens --

GUTFELD: Sled-dediah.

BILA: I lost the race big. But I did make a great snowman.

WATTERS: All right, better luck next time.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: That reminds me of when The Five went sledding in New Hampshire.  Remember that?

GUTFELD: Oh, who could forget?

WILLIAMS: I think Dana won.

WATTERS: You won?

PERINO: No, Eric Boiling won. I came in second. I'll tell you, Greg lost.

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: No, he's from Northern California. We've established. And he had not --

GUTFELD: We don't have snow.

PERINO: -- didn't have experience sledding.

GUTFELD: No snow, no parades. No sleds.

BILA: No fun.

WILLIAMS: Well, I don't have a happy story, Jesse. But last week we had a surprise snowstorm in New York.

WATTERS: Right.

WILLIAMS: And so you couldn't get -- you know, this is going to sound so elite, but you couldn't get any car service, forget about it.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: I couldn't get caviar.

WILLIAMS: Yes. But then, I had to walk from my hotel to Penn Station to get on the train. The train, of course --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: -- and I'm falling down like Jedediah. And I ran into -- guess who?

WATTERS: Who?

WILLIAMS: Joe Biden. He was having the same trouble.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: One percent Joe.

WILLIAMS: There you go.

WATTERS: That reminds me of a train story, I think it was a snow day here in the city, and I lived in Long Island and so did O'Reilly, and I called out because I said I couldn't make it into the city and he still made it in and I never heard the end of that. Dana?

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: I have a few, like, falling ones when the ice is over at the park.  I fell down, got up, fell down. But I do remember -- this is about seven years ago, remember the storms that we had back-to-back, and the snow didn't melt for a couple months?

WATTERS: Snow-mageddon

PERINO: I have to say -- I lived in D.C., but I was up here and I ended up staying at the Muse Hotel for about six days because you couldn't get anywhere around the city, you couldn't get back to D.C. So I did a lot of Fox News.

WATTERS: Oh wow. That is a great snow story.

PERINO: Thank you. Thank you.

GUTFELD: My favorite snow story was a couple of years ago, this horrible event called Santa Con --

PERINO: Yeah.

GUTFELD: -- is when -- all these people dress up as Santa Clause. They go pub crawling. They get really, really wasted. And it was during a storm and I was at a bar with a buddy who is in a band, and we were in this great bar on Third Avenue that had a sign that said no Santas from Santa Con, and all these drunk Santas were outside screaming and banging on the window, and we were on the inside just drinking, laughing our butts off. And all these drunk Santas -- and then you walk out and they're all like really annoying people. Thankfully, Santa Con has pretty much died out. It's the worst thing that has happened to New York City since Bill de Blasio.

WILLIAMS: I think that's a movie.

GUTFELD: Is it?

WILLIAMS: I think a movie. But drunk Santa? Isn't there something called Bad Santa, that's a movie?

(CROSSTALK)

BILA: Were you so drunk that you thought you imagine it all? It wasn't really happening.

GUTFELD: It happened, believe me.

WATTERS: For all the kids watching, Santa is real.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: Facebook question from Carla C., if you could be a Thanksgiving side dish, what would you be and why, Dana?

PERINO: Well, I love the cranberries.

WATTERS: Cranberry sauce.

PERINO: I wore a cranberry colored sweater. I put some thought into this.

WATTERS: In a can cost how much?

PERINO: Oh, gosh. Was it a $1.89?

WATTERS: Something like that.

PERINO: Yeah, I think so.

WATTERS: Side dish, Greg?

GUTFELD: I'd be gravy because then I'd be all over your meat.

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: Oh, my god.

WATTERS: Hold the gravy. What about you.

WILLIAMS: You've got to be the stuffing. Everybody -- and it's the only time of the year that I really eat stuffing.

WATTERS: Do you do the stuffing inside the bird or do you do it on the side?

WILLIAMS: No, it comes from inside. My mom used to put it inside. And, actually, now you eat at other people's home and most of them put it inside.

GUTFELD: Mine comes from inside of a box.

WILLIAMS: There you go.

(LAUGHTER)

BILA: I've got to go with you, I'll be the stuffing. It's the best part.  I mean, the stuffing is the best part. It's like you throw everything together and it's just bread. It's all that stuff that you're really not supposed to eat, but you really want to eat.

WATTERS: Lot of carbs.

BILA: Yeah.

GUTFELD: Lots I get from underneath the sofa cushions when I make it.

WATTERS: OK. I'm not coming to your house for Thanksgiving. I'd be the mashed potatoes, hold the gravy.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: All right, Instagram question from VKKE, who is your favorite relative and why?

PERINO: That's dangerous.

WATTERS: I'm going to go with Juan. Juan, who is your favorite relative?  Just say it.

WILLIAMS: Wait, wait, I thought you were saying that I was your favorite relative.

WATTERS: That's right, we're related. My DNA test did say.

WILLIAMS: Yeah. But I always thought Maxine and you were related.

WATTERS: That's right. Maxine is not coming for Thanksgiving. If she did, she'd chase me out of the restaurant.

WILLIAMS: No, she'll subpoena you.

WATTERS: That's right.

WILLIAMS: So my favorite relative, I guess I'd have to say my wife. Is she my relative?

WATTERS: No, no relation, Juan. Unless there's, you know --

WILLIAMS: Then it would have to be the grandkids.

WATTERS: Grandkids. All of them?

WILLIAMS: Yeah, I like my grandkids.

WATTERS: OK. Not deciding. Very, very tactful. Go ahead, Jed.

BILA: I'm going to say my mom because if I don't say her --

(LAUGHTER)

BILA: So, mom -- yeah, she would be really mad. But, yeah, actually, she's like the coolest mom ever --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Oh, I saw you -- your mom on Fox & Friends.

BILA: Yeah, she's pretty cool.

(CROSSTALK)

BILA: I will be well fed. I won't anger anyone, it's a good answer.

WATTERS: I'm going to go with mom, too. No offense, dad. But she cooks.

PERINO: And she texts.

WATTERS: And she texts. She sure does.

PERINO: I think I'm going to have to go with the aunts, Aunt Patty Sue and Aunt Donna. Yeah, I think the aunts are going to have to --

WATTERS: OK. Aunts take the day. Greg?

GUTFELD: Well, there's about -- I think, like, we have like 13 nieces and nephews all between the ages of like 5 and 8. So I'll say Bob. Bob is my favorite one. The other ones are smelly, they're kind of stupid, a lot of these nieces and nephews are really, really dumb. It kinds of annoy me.  But Bob is OK.

WATTERS: Bob's OK.

GUTFELD: Yeah, Bob's OK.

WATTERS: Bob wins the Gutfeld family sweepstakes. All right, this one is from Natalie, what's the biggest Thanksgiving fail you've ever experienced?  Fail. Like in the kitchen or a toast that went really wrong, what do you think, Jed?

BILA: Well, I cooked one year and everybody knows that's not a good sign - -

(CROSSTALK)

BILA: I'm a terrible chef, and everyone was like, you can do it, you can do it. And I was like, I could do it. It turns out I couldn't do it. The turkey was dry, that's like the main course. If the turkey is dry -- but you know what? Everybody brought sides and those are really good, so it worked out all right.

WATTERS: All right. Juan?

WILLIAMS: I think -- I don't think it's something I did, but I think it's like eating -- whenever anybody brings a cream dish, like creamed cauliflower, creamed onions or -- I'm like, what is this? This is nasty.

WATTERS: Oh, I like that.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: When I was 17, I had -- for a year, I had chronic strep throat.  And finally, my parents found a doctor, a surgeon, who would take my tonsils out. The only day we could get it done was on the Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. So I couldn't eat anything, but I could smell it all. That was a big fail.

WATTERS: Greg?

GUTFELD: It had to be when we killed Uncle Frank. Yeah, that's the name actually for a plant that we have in the living room.

WATTERS: Does Bob have a father?

GUTFELD: Yes, I've been raising Bob on my own, thank you very much.

WATTERS: OK. I actually went to the wrong house on Thanksgiving. I was confused. I went to one aunt it was at the other --

PERINO: Oh, no.

WATTERS: Yeah. I was a little late that year.

GUTFELD: That's hilarious.

WATTERS: All right.

GUTFELD: Did they tell you to leave because it was the wrong house?

WATTERS: No. No one answered the door. I thought I was being dissed.  All right. We know at your home you never miss an episode of The Five, but what show do we watch religiously, beside Fox & Friends, our favorite television series up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Welcome back to a special edition of The Five. We're answering your fan mail questions on this very special Thanksgiving. A little improve there I just did, added the word special, thank you very much.  The first question is from Sue R. If you were tasked with creating a new holiday, what would it be, Dana?

PERINO: A new holiday? You know -- you're going to hate this, but I think we could do some sort of gratitude to animals day.

GUTFELD: Like they know.

PERINO: Like a pet day.

(CROSSTALK)

BILA: Pet appreciation day.

GUTFELD: Yeah, because we don't hear enough about pets being appreciated.

PERINO: But people love their pets.

GUTFELD: Tell that to a turkey.

PERINO: Well, peas is happy.

GUTFELD: Who's that?

PERINO: The one that got pardoned by President Trump.

GUTFELD: Oh, really. Another great thing he's done, Jesse.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: Yeah, he pardoned everybody.

PERINO: Add that to the list.

GUTFELD: No president has ever pardoned a turkey before Donald Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: It was the best part.

GUTFELD: It was the best part never.

PERINO: Beautiful turkey.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Besides my birthday, I would do -- I would do election day because I'm so sick of the libs complaining about voters suppression --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Just give everybody the day off, everybody votes, and then you can't do recounts.

GUTFELD: How about you, Juan? New holiday?

WILLIAMS: I think Thanksgiving is really a family day, so I'll just call it something different because I think it's wonderful. I like Thanksgiving as a day, but, I mean, really, what you're doing is celebrating family.

GUTFELD: Hmm. Interesting. Family day.

BILA: Family day. I would like to do this every Friday, a day of rest and it's my way of creatively making a four-day work week. Just like day of rest every Friday.

WATTERS: That's not a four day -- oh, four day work week. I'm going to redo mine, I want to do Black Friday. I think that's the day you really need the day after Thanksgiving.

PERINO: For capitalism?

WATTERS: Yes. For -- go to the mall --

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: A holiday for capitalism.

GUTFELD: It's always got to be about race with you, Jesse. I am going to go with Jessie's birthday, I think that should be a holiday.

WATTERS: I do, too.

GUTFELD: Thank you very much.

PERINO: What day is that, by the way?

WATTERS: July 9th.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: It creates a whole week for July 4th.

WATTERS: It does.

GUTFELD: All right. This is a twitter question from Checks -- oh, wait, that's the wrong one. Here's a twitter question from a Laura Jones, I never miss an episode of The Five. What do you never miss an episode of -- and keep it clean, Jedediah.

BILA: Mine would be retro, like I re-watch old stuff. Friends -- you know --

(CROSSTALK)

BILA: And by the way, you do look like David Schwimmer.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: No, Schwimmer looks like me. Let's get that straight.

BILA: And currently, like Dawson's Creek, really, really sad '90s teen, like, struggling, really embarrassing stuff. Really embarrassing stuff.

GUTFELD: Interesting. What about you, Juan? What you never miss an episode?

WILLIAMS: Your viewing habits change because now a lot of things that I watch aren't on TV, but they're like Amazon Prime and Netflix. So, I've been watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

GUTFELD: I hear that's good.

WILLIAMS: I think it's terrific. I have a new batch of shows coming. But it's binge watching. It's like you're watching every time, right? I've used to watch The Sopranos. I would never miss The Sopranos or The Wire, or Boardwalk Empire, those HBO shows. I love -- I make sure -- but now you don't have to do that. Now you just binge watch.

GUTFELD: Yeah. It's taking the fun out of anticipation, Jesse.

WATTERS: Yeah. I'm going with Hannity.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: It's 9 o'clock eastern. You know, oftentimes the same guests, I just feel like I get to know them much, much better. Bongino, and Sarah Carter, Greg Jarrett --

GUTFELD: Whether there's a problem at the beginning of the show, he solves it by the end. It's just like Colombo, right?

WATTERS: Yes.

GUTFELD: It's like Colombo.

WATTERS: It's like Colombo.

GUTFELD: Without the overcoat. Hannity, Colombo without the overcoat. I don't know. I guess I should ask you now, Dana.

PERINO: Well, again, binge watching, I like this new show Mozart in the Jungle, it's new to me. It's new to me. It's about -- it's pretty fun, it's about an orchestra in New York and they have a new conductor and he's quite eccentric, so that's kind of fun. And I like The Romanoff's. I've been watching The Romanoff's.

GUTFELD: Episode seven, very good.

PERINO: I like episode four.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Terrible.

PERINO: I'd loved it.

GUTFELD: Terrible. I'm going to go with Forensic Files because once it's on they keep overlapping the end with the beginning credits, so I'm stuck in this like cycle of hell with Forensic Files. And, to your point you made a few weeks ago, I learned so much about getting away with a crime by watching Forensic Files because I see the mistakes. And it's only 30 minutes long, and each one you find out how the person was caught you go, not doing that.

BILA: I'm frightened now.

GUTFELD: Yeah, you should be.

BILA: I'm really frightened.

GUTFELD: You should be. I've learned a lot.

WILLIAMS: Wait, you think you have reason to be frightened --

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: My victims would be the least obvious one.

WILLIAMS: OK.

WATTERS: Paging Lou Dobbs.

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: Jasper?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: All right. What's our next question here? Oh, what product do you use on a daily basis that you are most grateful for? I'm going to go with Jesse because I know what he's going to say.

WATTERS: You think I'm going to say hair spray.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: And you're right.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: Yes, it takes a lot, it takes a lot of hair spray.

GUTFELD: It takes a village.

WATTERS: It takes a village. Yes, that's why we have a very deep benched hair and makeup team.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: You actually travel with your own team.

WATTERS: I do. I do, it's in my contract.

(LAUGHTER)

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Fantastic. All right, Juan?

WILLIAMS: I think -- how about -- you know, I love to brush my teeth. I don't know why --

PERINO: I was going to say that, too.

WILLIAMS: Oh, yeah?

PERINO: But I'm going to say eye drops.

GUTFELD: You love to brush his teeth?

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Sick weirdo. Things I learn on this show.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: I brush my teeth several times a day, but I also use eye drops all the time.

WATTERS: Because your high?

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: It's always the one you least expect.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Yeah, that is true. Jedediah?

BILA: I have a face oil that I love.

PERINO: Which one?

BILA: By Marie Veronique. I get it from California, and it's like -- it's amazing. It just makes you feel hydrated. And I don't wear makeup when I'm not on TV because I don't like it. It makes me feel weird. But it's just like the best thing ever, makes you feel really, like, well put together which is something I can't do on my own.

WILLIAMS: So, like if we see you --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: -- you would look like Dorian Gray?

BILA: Exactly.

WILLIAMS: Yes, your face would be all crackly --

BILA: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And then the transformation -- and it's good under makeup, too.

PERINO: Greg, you?

GUTFELD: None of the products I can say.

WILLIAMS: Wait a minute, you can't do that?

PERINO: There's got to be something.

GUTFELD: No, I just can't say what they are.

WILLIAMS: Why?

GUTFELD: Because I'm not going to say. All right, what's the next one?  Are you a penny pincher or a big spender during the holidays, that's from Frenchy Firecracker.

WILLIAMS: Well, this is not voluntary though, Greg, because I actually don't spend the money but I pay the money --

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: -- because my wife goes out and buys Christmas gifts for everyone.

GUTFELD: That's true.

WILLIAMS: The only Christmas gift I buy is for her. And that better be good, dude.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Every time I buy a Christmas gift it gets returned.

PERINO: Yeah, guys have that problem when they buy things. I'm a big spender.

GUTFELD: Yeah, you are. Yeah, thanks. Jesse?

WATTERS: I'm a big spender, too.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: I can't afford it, but I spend.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: You're living the life, Jesse. Jed?

BILA: I start out like small, and then I accumulate a lot of stuff and it all adds up, I feel like. I feel like I'll be like -- I'll tell everyone, oh, let's not do big gifts, it's too crazy --

WATTERS: Oh, you're one of those people. Oh, let's not spend a lot --

GUTFELD: And then you do it.

WATTERS: -- and then the exchange comes and you just totally outclass them.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

WATTERS: And then they poor shame you.

GUTFELD: That's terrible. All right, I have problems making decision so I have to drink before I go shopping, then I spend way too much money on ridiculously stupid things.

PERINO: You have a problem making decisions?

GUTFELD: Yes, I know. It's the holiday season so people across the world are searching for the perfect hiding spot for their gifts. Up next, "The Five" reveals if we've ever snooped for something, found it, and then regretted it.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WILLIAMS: Welcome back to "The Five." We have a lot more question to get to in this Five Thanksgiving fan mail special. First up, here's a Facebook question from Sheryl Sy, when was the last time you were snooping and found something you wish you haven't, Greg?

GUTFELD: Why me? Let me think.

WILLIAMS: Do you want me to go somewhere else.

GUTFELD: Well, yes -- no, I can't keep skipping questions. This isn't like past word, one of my favorite shows with Robert Ludden -- was that his name? Richard Ludden -- Allen Ludden, married to Betty White. I'm stalling. I'm stalling --

PERINO: I think we do as a kid, really. You really don't do this as an adult, I don't think.

GUTFELD: Yeah, I'm trying to think -- I can't think I've ever -- you know what it is? I hide things, and then I can't remember where I hid them. Do you do that?

BILA: No.

GUTFELD: Never? You never like come home wasted and hid the drugs in a book?

BILA: No.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Come on. You -- and then the next morning you go, where did I hide the drugs?

BILA: I did write about somebody like that in my book.

GUTFELD: That's right, you did.

(LAUGHTER)

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Dana?

PERINO: No, I really think that as a kid -- I remember -- I knew I was going to get a boom box. But, you know, your parents --

GUTFELD: Play your favorite rap songs?

PERINO: Take out the best boom box. And I saw it -- I saw it on my parent's closet. It wasn't covered up and I was like so disappointed.  That's not the boom box I want. So you kind of learn early on, like, don't even look so that you don't get disappointed.

GUTFELD: Maybe they couldn't afford it.

PERINO: But it was a perfectly good boom box. And you could, you know, tape, make it play -- there were two cassettes --

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: -- so you could tape and record.

GUTFELD: Those were the days.

WILLIAMS: That was a good memory for you.

PERINO: Yes, it ended up good.

WILLIAMS: Jesse.

WATTERS: Well, it's a good thing I don't hide my drugs in a book, because I'd never find it.

PERINO: Also, you have no books.

WATTERS: Great hiding place. No, I have "The Hobbit." Ann Coulter's new book. It's pretty good.

I don't know, I don't snoop. I probably get snooped on.

GUTFELD: Yes, you do.

WATTERS: They're listening to everything.

BILA: I still snoop.

WILLIAMS: Oh, you do?

BILA: I do. I'm a snooper. I have no regrets about it.

WATTERS: Wow.

BILA: But I never --

GUTFELD: Your entire book is about snooping.

BILA: Exactly! But I never find stuff.

WILLIAMS: You never find stuff?

BILA: I don't find it.

GUTFELD: You're a terrible snooper!

BILA: I'm a terrible snooper. Nobody understands why you're laughing -- people who have read the book do. But listen, no, I like to snoop. I would prefer if I found the stuff, though, and I don't --

WATTERS: Would you look at your husband's phone? Is that what you're saying?

WILLIAMS: Oh, gosh.

BILA: Well, my husband -- no, he's really boring with his phone. But --

WATTERS: But you would?

BILA: No, yes, I like -- I like to find gifts, because you know, the thing is, what if you find -- like, what if my husband gets me something amazing, and we say -- "Oh, just small gifts" --

WATTERS: I see.

BILA: -- and I find that he got me something amazing, and I got him, like, a pen?

WATTERS: Strategic.

GUTFELD: Now I know why I can't answer this.

WILLIAMS: Oh, OK.

GUTFELD: Now I know why, because I married somebody who speaks Russian, and all of her texts and emails are in Russian. So there's no way I could ever snoop. That's why I'm like, going I haven't looked at a phone -- I haven't looked at anybody's phone in years.

BILA: Translator!

WILLIAMS: You know what? It's not about gifts for me, so I used to keep a diary. But then, somebody very important in my life found it.

WATTERS: Oh!

WILLIAMS: And it was not a good thing.

GUTFELD: No, no, no. Never keep a diary, that's what I always say.

WILLIAMS: Wait a minute. Jesse told me I should take selfies every minute. Now I can't --

WATTERS: For self-protection.

WILLIAMS: All right.

WATTERS: So you don't get set up.

WILLIAMS: All right, all right. "What is an" -- here's an Instagram question from @Connor_Waller20. "What is an item or service that you really regret paying for?" Jesse.

WATTERS: Well, I got the fire stick, because I thought I'd save money on cable, so then I couldn't figure out how to watch sports, so then I actually ended up putting the money down for the cable.

WILLIAMS: Dana.

PERINO: I don't know. I'm trying to think of something that would -- I don't know. This is a tough question. Do you have one?

WATTERS: Yes, do you know what it is? Company gym. I paid for the company gym years ago. I have not set foot in it. And it's like $6 a week.

WATTERS: So cheap.

WATTERS: What's what -- that's how they get you, Jesse. That's how they get you. Six times four is 24, times 50 is, like -- you're talking, like, $6,000 a year.

WATTERS: I don't think so.

WILLIAMS: What?

WATTERS: You need to go back to school.

WILLIAMS: You need to pay for a math class.

WATTERS: This is the guy that thought the turkey was $50 the other day.

WILLIAMS: Oh, my gosh. Jedediah.

BILA: I don't have an item of service, but an item, which is the Instapot, which I --

PERINO: You don't like it?

BILA: I encouraged it in my house, and it's something that's supposed to make cooking easier, but because I encouraged it, now my husband expects me to cook with it.

PERINO: Wait, so it does not work?

BILA: Well, it works beautifully when he uses it to cook for me.

PERINO: What can you make in an Instapot?

BILA: You can put everything in it.

GUTFELD: Instapod?

BILA: Pot.

PERINO: Pot.

GUTFELD: Pot.

PERINO: A crockpot on crack.

BILA: You basically just throw everything in there and it just makes itself, but you still have to cut everything.

PERINO: Yes, the cutting is the worst.

BILA: I'm just --

WATTERS: You're not supposed to put weed in the Instapot. That's probably why it doesn't work.

WILLIAMS: We have a recurring theme on this show.

You know what, though? once bought a packet of first class seats, an instant upgrades, but you pay for it as one, like a big subscription.

GUTFELD: Right.

WILLIAMS: And I never even used it, because you know --

GUTFELD: You still have them?

WILLIAMS: No, but the thing is the airline went out of business.

GUTFELD: That's how they get you.

WILLIAMS: All right. All right, so here's a Facebook question from Diana P. "What do you do to pass the time in traffic jams?" We go to Dana Perino.

PERINO: I look at my Twitter.

WILLIAMS: Oh.

WATTERS: That's dangerous, Dana.

PERINO: Also I'm not usually in traffic jams, because I walk to work and back. So I don't really have much traffic.

WILLIAMS: You live in a crowded pedestrian neighborhood.

PERINO: Yes, but I just -- if you're in the car and you're bored, look at Instagram or Twitter.

WILLIAMS: Jesse.

WATTERS: Howard 100 and then during that commercial breaks, Howard 101.

WILLIAMS: Wow, Howard Stern.

WATTERS: Yes, who else, Juan?

WILLIAMS: You love him.

WATTERS: Yes.

WILLIAMS: Jedediah.

BILA: If someone is not in the car with me, I just sing and dance. If my husband is in the car with me, for some reason, that's the time when I get into these discussions that just -- I shouldn't. Like, you know, where you break down everything, and you wind up saying something.

PERINO: You get in a fight in the car?

BILA: Yes. But not a fight but just --

WATTERS: You get in a fight in the car, you can't get out of it.

BILA: -- re-litigating stuff that --

PERINO: Oh, no, that's not good, Jedediah.

WILLIAMS: Greg.

GUTFELD: Usually, if I'm stuck in traffic, I will berate my driver Reginald about his life choices.

PERINO: Well, that's the thing. I realized you guys are talking about if you're driving. But I haven't driven in -- since I moved here.

GUTFELD: Reginald has made some stupid decisions, and every day I remind him on the way home. And I actually like it when we're in a traffic jam, because I can probably break him down to tears.

WILLIAMS: Oh, my gosh.

GUTFELD: Reginald.

WILLIAMS: But you know what happens to me? In traffic jams I think "Why didn't I leave earlier?" and then I think, "Oh, my gosh, what if I'm late," and then I'm blaming my -- it's just -- it's a mess.

WATTERS: I can't figure out what's worse, Trump's chief of staff, or Greg's driver? Which is the toughest job out there?

WILLIAMS: All right. Turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing, all staples at dinner tables across America. If "The Five" could go back to the very first Thanksgiving and make one tradition, what would it be? We answer that next on a special Thanksgiving tradition of "The Five."

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: Now everyone's woken up, because we played the country music.  Hello, everyone, and happy Thanksgiving. Welcome back to a special edition of "The Five." We have a lot more questions to get to, so let's continue.

Woken up being the operative word.

All right, Facebook question from Miranda D.: "If you could go back to the first Thanksgiving, what would you have made a staple tradition?"  Jedediah.

BILA: To not get dressed up for holidays. When I go to a holiday at someone's house, and they are dressed up, it ruins it. I need stretchy clothes. I need -- it's about eating for me, like packing the most food in. Even on Christmas I like to be casual, hang out, so no fancy clothes.

WATTERS: I'm going to cheers to that. My parents are way too formal, and they wear jackets and ties to Thanksgiving.

GUTFELD: Wow.

WATTERS: And you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. And I'm coming in jeans and a T-shirt.

PERINO: I bet you don't.

WATTERS: I definitely won't. Mom will yell at me.

PERINO: Juan.

WILLIAMS: I would have to say ice cream. I'd say that ice cream should be just as important as turkey.

PERINO: I like ice cream with the pumpkin pie. Do you have a tradition?

GUTFELD: (YAWNS) Sorry. Contagious. I would say, this is about the timing. Holidays -- people are going to hate me for this, should be like the Olympics. Once every two years, not once every year. Or even go to the old-school Olympics, once every four years.

Because let's face it: as we get older this stuff keeps coming around faster and faster, and I am sick of it. I'm absolutely sick of this period of the year, because I've still got to do my stuff and yet, I've got to run around all these people. And there's food and there's gifts.

Make it once every two years. Everybody will be happier, I swear. On Christmas --

WILLIAMS: Not children.

GUTFELD: You know what?

WILLIAMS: Children?

GUTFELD: Forget the kids for once. You know what? We keep -- oh, it's all about the children. You know what? Children, they get by. They'll get by. You know, it's not like -- we're overpromising stuff to kids. Why not just say, OK, this is going to happen in two years. OK? They're going to be, like, "OK." OK. You get them young, you teach them, that's it.

PERINO: You phase it in.

GUTFELD; I'm so tired of this yearly stuff.

PERINO: All right.

GUTFELD: I would even do the same thing with the Super Bowl.

PERINO: I'm going to go back to you, Greg. Instagram question is "What is your favorite winter go-to beverage of choice?"

GUTFELD: Well, I guess it would have to be mulled wine, because I like wine and then I have mulled wine, which is a hot wine. And it's quite delicious.

PERINO: Yes, is it sweet?

GUTFELD: No, it's -- is it? Maybe.

PERINO: I don't know.

GUTFELD: I can't remember now.

PERINO: You're going to have to get some.

WILLIAMS: Doesn't it have cloves in it?

GUTFELD: Yes, it has cloves. Thank you.

PERINO: Very good.

BILA: Do you have a winter beverage of choice?

WATTERS: I like on Christmas I'll do the eggnog with the bourbon. That's my thing.

GUTFELD: Very bad. Fattening.

WATTERS: Just one. Just one.

PERINO: Just one. Jedediah.

BILA: Mine's not very good. It's a mushroom tea. It doesn't taste good, but it's really good for your immune system.

WATTERS: Oh, god.

PERINO: That is really boring.

WILLIAMS: Is it psychedelic?

BILA: No, it's just an immune booster. I'm helping myself out.

WILLIAMS: I'm amazed that I'm going last, and I'm the only one that's going to say hot chocolate?

PERINO: No, I was going to say peppermint hot chocolate.

WILLIAMS: OK, all right.

BILA: Peppermint.

GUTFELD: Oh, do you remember Girl Scout cookie? That is -- what is it?  it's hot chocolate and creme de menthe.

PERINO: I like creme de menthe.

GUTFELD: It's really good.

PERINO: I'll remember that.

WILLIAMS: What did you call it? Girl Scout --

GUTFELD: Girl Scout Cookie. It's a great drink.

WILLIAMS: Wow.

PERINO: I like the mint chocolate chip [SIC] girl Scout cookies. Thin Mint.

GUTFELD: This is like that, but it's boozy.

PERINO: Right.

GUTFELD: So you can't feed it to kids.

PERINO: Perfection.

GUTFELD: Although --

PERINO: I'm going to go to another one. Instagram question from @FredEllametal. "Real tree, fake tree --"

WATTERS: @FredEllametal.

PERINO: "-- or none at all for the busy 'Five' cast?" You?

WATTERS: I used to be a tree snob. We used to go into the woods and the hack it down, and then bring it back and erect it. But then we brought a squirrel one time. And then one time the trunk was off-kilter. I had to return it and get another tree.

PERINO: What happened to the squirrel?

WATTERS: I'm not snobby any more about it, and I think if you want a fake tree, have a fake tree.

PERINO: Wait, what happened to the squirrel?

WATTERS: I don't know. We don't know.

PERINO: That is pretty funny. Jedediah.

BILA: I have a story about this. Last year we got a real tree, and my mom read a news report or saw something on the news that said that people were finding ticks in their real trees. So she called me, she terrified me.  And I had my husband put on what I can only described as a homemade hazmat suit and discard the tree.

PERINO: Wow.

BILA: And then I got a fake tree. So basically, I'm a paranoid person, but it's all Mom's fault.

PERINO: What do you guys do?

WILLIAMS: We always have real trees, and we used to go and chop them down when the kids were young, because it was like a family outing. But then, you know, if you live in the mid-Atlantic region, you can actually get into the woods pretty quickly. And you go out, and then you have these tree farms or whatever, and you know, you meet the farmer or the family and the people and --

PERINO: Greg would love that.

WILLIAMS: They give you the saw.

WATTERS: Yes.

WILLIAMS: Greg -- I can see that Greg would be delighted.

GUTFELD: No, I love -- we used to go out to the forest and chop down a tree, because we just love -- we just love you killing a life for some holiday.

Now, actually, we don't have -- I don't have a tree, and the reason is it's a mess. It's like I live in an apartment building. All you see are needles and then the trees get really old and everything's falling apart.

And then they bring them out into the street, these corpses, these tree corpses lying there, getting covered in snow. I hate that.

Also, if you buy a tree on the streets of New York, you don't get squirrels; you get rats.

WATTERS: That's true -- oooh!

GUTFELD: You get the rats are living in there.

WILLIAMS: You know what Jedediah said? She said you are the Grinch.

BILA: You're a Grinch.

PERINO: He is a Grinch--

GUTFELD: Maybe I am.

PERINO:  -- but he's our Grinch, and we love him.

BILA: Happy Grinch.

PERINO: We have one last one. It's going to be a quick one. Twitter question from Heidi Noyes. "Have you started Christmas shopping or do you wait until the last minute?" I think you're last minute.

WATTERS: I'm a last-minute guy. I like the adrenaline rush.

PERINO: OK. Juan.

WILLIAMS: Last minute, because I only buy one gift.

BILA: Last-minute.

PERINO: Last minute. You?

BILA: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, last minute.

PERINO: I have most of mine already done.

GUTFELD: Of course you do. Of course you do.

PERINO: You know I would. We know Greg's is "Love Actually."

GUTFELD: Favorite movie. They must be talking about favorite movies.

PERINO: Greg's favorite movie is "Love Actually." But up next, the rest of us tell you what our favorite holiday movies are.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BILA: We hope you're having a happy Thanksgiving. And just in time for some dessert, we have even more questions to answer on this "Five Fan Mail" special.

All right. And we're going to start with a Facebook question from Charlotte S.: "What movies are you excited to watch over the holiday season," Gregory?

GUTFELD: Jeez, well I think I might watch "The Witch" again. That was a really good film. Anybody see "The Witch"?

WATTERS: No.

GUTFELD: It's got a great ending.

I like a really good scary film over the holidays. That or I'll watch "Die Hard" backwards, because it's interesting how it turns out.

BILA: Is that a Christmas movie?

GUTFELD: "Die Hard' is a Christmas movie. We know that.

WATTERS: Confirmed.

BILA: What about you, Dana?

PERINO: Well, I don't go to the theater. But I like to catch up on movies. Like, so I never saw "Ladybird." I'm going to make some time to see that one. That's on my list.

GUTFELD: That's enjoyable.

BILA: Cool. Jesse.

WATTERS: I watch "Home Alone" with the twins around Christmas.

BILA: Yes.

WATTERS: That's a classic.

BILA: Yes.

PERINO: You should take them to stay at the Plaza. The hotel, right?  Then they could experience it.

WATTERS: We could have tea.

PERINO: Yes.

WATTERS: That could be cute.

BILA: That's the setting of it. Juan.

GUTFELD: That means no.

WILLIAMS: Well --

PERINO: Sorry, girls. You're not going to the Plaza.

GUTFELD: Unless the plaza is a strip mall, it ain't happening.

WILLIAMS: So my granddaughters told me that "The Grinch" is a good movie.

BILA: Yes, it's good.

WILLIAMS: You saw it?

BILA: Yes. Yes, it's good.

WILLIAMS: That's what they told me.

GUTFELD: Is this another remake?

BILA: yes.

GUTFELD: The lack of originality just makes me sick to my stomach.

PERINO: America, get it together.

WATTERS: Like the Jim Carrey "Grinch"? Is that what you're talking about?

BILA: We're talking about the new "Grinch."

WILLIAMS: The new "Grinch."

BILA: The new one.

WILLIAMS: There's a new "Grinch," Jesse.

BILA: What was the Jim Carrey one? I don't remember.

WATTERS: Who's in it?

BILA: I don't remember.

WILLIAMS: I have no idea.

WATTERS: Do you know?

WILLIAMS: I must say, so but you know, on TV this time of year, you can just turn it on and "It's a Wonderful Life" is on, and I love that movie.

GUTFELD: Terrible film. It's terrible.

BILA: I watch "Grumpy Old Men." Did you guys ever see "Grumpy Old Men"?

GUTFELD: I don't have to. I just look in the mirror.

WATTERS: He looks like the Grinch.

GUTFELD: Yes, he does.

WATTERS: You know what I mean?

GUTFELD: He does.

BILA: All right. One more Twitter question from @Matthew_Ryan77: "What song sums up your life over the past year?" Juan.

PERINO: These are hard questions.

BILA: These are hard.

WILLIAMS: So what did Frank Sinatra sing, "That's Life."

BILA: "That's Life"?

WILLIAMS: Ups and downs all around, and some great times and some very, very tragic times. Yes.

WATTERS: I love John Cougar Mellencamp.

GUTFELD: Nailed it. What song?

WATTERS (SINGING): "Bring me a higher Love."

GUTFELD: That's not John Cougar Mellencamp.

WATTERS: Are you sure?

GUTFELD: That's that Steve from Traffic. What's his name? Steve Winwood.

WATTERS: Steve Winwood.

GUTFELD: Ay, yi, yi.

WATTERS: That's who I meant. Sorry, Steve. Love you, man.

PERINO: I'm amazed that anyone knows less than me about pop culture.

GUTFELD: Yes, I know. It's incredible. Incredible.

PERINO: I saw "Living," the new song by Dierks Bentley.

GUTFELD: Of course.

BILA: Cool.

GUTFELD: Of course. I'm going to go with the classic "White Rabbit."  Jefferson Airplane.

WATTERS: That mushroom tea you've been drinking.

WILLIAMS: Hitting that. The drug was hitting.

BILA: I picked a corny one. I picked my wedding song.

GUTFELD: Aww.

WATTERS: Aww.

BILA: "Keeper of the Stars." And honestly, I never knew I was going to want to get married, and I'm so happily married that sometimes it --

GUTFELD: You just cursed it.

BILA: Did I?

PERINO: No, she didn't, Greg.

WATTERS: Congratulations.

WILLIAMS: Golly. Holy smokes.

BILA: Thanks, Greg.

WILLIAMS: Go for it. Find your happiness.

GUTFELD: You mentioned your husband in every single block.

BILA: I know.

PERINO: It must be love.

BILA: Newlyweds. You know, when you're newlyweds.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BILA: You know, and everything --

PERINO: Give it eight years.

WATTERS: Peter, pack the bag now.

BILA: We don't have time.

PERINO: Send a link.

BILA: We don't have time. "One More Question" coming up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WATTERS: it's time now for "One More Question." OK. Facebook question from Gene H.: "Who, in your opinion, was the biggest turkey, Greg, of 2018?"

GUTFELD: I'm going to go with Maroon 5.

WATTERS: Aww.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: They haven't even played in the Super Bowl yet.

GUTFELD: Yes, I know. But I can't stand --

PERINO: Then you can do it in 2019, too.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Thank you very much.

WATTERS: Dana.

PERINO: I want to say Harvey Weinstein.

WATTERS: Good one. Definitely a turkey.

PERINO: A turkey.

WATTERS: I'm going to go with Pocahontas. Her relatives were probably at the first Thanksgiving, and I think she totally blew herself up and she didn't need to.

Go ahead, Juan.

WILLIAMS: I'll go the opposite of Pocahontas: Donald Trump.

WATTERS: OK.

WILLIAMS: I don't think there's any question, but the thing is, he's, like, you know, everlasting. It's a perennial.

GUTFELD: You know what? Like a turkey, he feeds so many people.

PERINO: Yes, I think you've done this three years in a row.

WILLIAMS: I think so, yes. I think that's me.

PERINO: Maybe four years.

WILLIAMS: It could be.

WATTERS: The turkey is cooked, Juan.

All right. Jed.

BILA: You're going to like this one? Are you ready?

WATTERS: I'm ready.

BILA: The fake news media.

WATTERS: Oooh.

BILA: That's right, I took it home.

WATTERS: We're running out of time. Let's do an honorable mention.  Michael Avenatti.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Avenatti, the turkey of the year.

GUTFELD: I'm going to go -- I'm going to go with the people at my gym who talk on the phone when I'm on the stair climber. There is a sign that says you can't use your phone at the gym. And it's probably one of the worst things you can do on the gym is be on the phone, because it irritates people. No one wants to hear what you're saying.

PERINO: Well, then did you tell management to enforce the rules?

GUTFELD: I don't want to be that person.

BILA: Man, but --

PERINO: But you told them yourself?

GUTFELD: I'd rather do it here.

PERINO: Oh, OK.

GUTFELD: There will be somebody from that gym listening.

BILA: You just can't stop selling my book, can you? Can't stop. Can't help himself.

WILLIAMS: You know what? This also happens at the gym. You'll be, like, trying to focus, and people are just chatting away. And I'm like, I'm trying to focus.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: Or people will come over, and I'm like, "No, I'm not talking to you."

PERINO: A guy at my gym walks on the stair climber really loudly and inappropriately. He doesn't know how to use it. It drives me insane.

GUTFELD: He walks -- only somebody can walk too loud for Dana.

WATTERS: All right.

PERINO: Wait if you saw it.

WATTERS: That's it for us, a very special edition of "The Five." We hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We'll see you back tomorrow.  "Special Report" next.

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