This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," June 15, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC HOST: There are things like this in life, you know, first you put on your undies, and then you put on your pants, and then you put on your belt. You really can't do those in any other order on. Undies then pants, then belts. You apparently know, that's how you're going to have to do it. Undies, then pants then belt. Every time we're going to have to go through that process.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Not here. It's belts, pants then undies.

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: His name is Joe Biden. He is running for President.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, D-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: My name is Joe Biden. I'm running for, in this case, running for President of the United States. Look me over. If you like what you see, help out; if not, vote for the other person.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: It sounds like he's already giving up. Five hundred and seven days before the election, he is telling you to vote for the other guy. I don't know. But I think that's the opposite of persuasion.

Meanwhile, that other guy knows the best thing that ever happened to the farmers.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: The best thing that ever happened to the farmers is me.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I don't know if that's true.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: I don't know if that's true. At least he's confident. And that's half the key to success. Never let him see you sweat. Right? Joe? What did your mother tell you?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: My mother said, "Joey, focus. Focus. Don't descend. Stay up."

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Talk about setting low expectations. Just try and stay up. Around you, Joe, we are trying to stay up.

As for the other guy, he can certainly focus. He can focus on a piece of paper and make everyone else focus on it, too. Look, here's the agreement. It's a simple agreement.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: But here's the agreement. It is a very simple agreement. Inside here, and I would love to do it. But you will freeze action it. In here is the agreement. Right here is the agreement. It's very simple. It's right here. That's the agreement that everybody says I don't have.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Applause)

GUTFELD: See, that's the agreement that everyone says he doesn't have it. It's right there, so screw you.

Look, it's too early to tell if Biden is going to be the guy to go up against Trump. A poll out this week shows that Biden would beat Trump in a head to head match.

But early polls aren't always accurate, are they? I mean, just look at the contrast between these guys.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Quiet, quiet. Quiet.

BIDEN: If you're the person who stacks the spaghetti sauce in a supermarket, but you control the person who brings out the cart carrying the spaghetti sauce so they can name you, you're not a manager.

TRUMP: Joe Biden is a dummy.

BIDEN: I like cartoon.

TRUMP: Biden is a loser. Obama took him off the trash heap.

BIDEN: The President is literally an existential threat to America.

TRUMP: China ate our alive during Obama and Biden. They ate us alive.

BIDEN: We're walking around like "Woe is me."

TRUMP: Ultimately, I'm always right.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: This is not going to end well. Think of them like amusement park ride. I mean, do you really want to ride the Biden?

[VIDEO PLAYS]

GUTFELD: Or do you want to ride the Trump?

[VIDEO PLAYS]

GUTFELD: I don't even think that's real. So Trump's running the country and the country is doing well. Unemployment is low. ISIS is gone. Trump is getting stuff done. He even has the time to redesign Air Force One.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Here is your new Air Force One and I'm doing that for other Presidents not from me.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That is so nice of him. But let's get down to brass tacks. Say there's a country out there that has dirt on your opponent. Is there anything wrong with listening?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: There's nothing wrong with listening. If somebody called from a country -- Norway, we have information on your opponent. Oh, I think I'd want to hear it.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Especially if it's from Norway. Norway never says anything. When Norway says it knows something, you better listen. But Trump gets flack for that, even when that's exactly what his opponents did to him.

And on top of everything else on his plate, he has to find a new Press Secretary because Sarah is leaving.

Dealing with the media is not easy, especially with Trump as President. He needs someone imposing like two John Claude Van Dammes one sexy, the other sexier or maybe someone assertive who won't take crap from anyone. If only we could bring back this guy.

[VIDEO PLAYS]

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That would be amazing. It's got to be somewhat tough. No nonsense. Ohm, I know the perfect choice.

[VIDEO PLAYS]

(Cheering and Applause)

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He is so bright he doesn't need to buy light bulbs, "Campus Reform" editor-in chief and Fox News contributor Lawrence Jones.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: He is the type of guy your parents never warned you about. Not even once. Comedian Joe Machi.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: She's sassy brassy, and her eyes are sometimes glassy. Host of "Sincerely, Kat" on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: And he wants pole-vaulted over Pluto, my massive sidekick and host up "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right. Biden versus Trump, Lawrence, from an energy standpoint, it's like a steamroller versus an empty can of tuna.

LAWRENCE JONES, CONTRIBUTOR: That's good.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

JONES: Biden is the guy that was on the playground talking all the crap. Remember how he said he would take Trump behind the barn and beat him up and all this. He finally gets in the race. He has his moment. And his campaign has been insulating him the entire time.

He actually won't go into office. He flip flops on issues. I don't think the guy has the stamina as the President would say to be the President.

GUTFELD: Yes, I think they're actually keeping him away because they think that they can make it last longer. You know because every time you see him, the less you want to see him now.

JONES: Now, he is getting friendly fire now.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Well, you know what he is? Everybody loves Gramps. Everybody loves graphs. But you don't let Gramps, you know, throw the party, Joe. I don't know what that means.

JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: Well, I thought maybe you didn't have a fun Grandpa like I did. But I'll tell you what --

GUTFELD: Did you have a fun Grandpa, Joe?

MACHI: Yes, they were both fun.

GUTFELD: Really fun in a fun way or in a weird way?

MACHI: They're fun in a fun way.

GUTFELD: Okay, good.

MACHI: But I'll tell you what --

GUTFELD: Because it could explain your behavior now that maybe you had crazy Gramps.

MACHI: I think I'm rather fun at a party. I don't get it. But I'll tell you what. Trump made some interesting distinctions here because he said Biden is mentally weak. And I think how Biden lasted to the scrutiny of his support for the Hyde Amendment that lasted a few hours.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MACHI: He could have just logged out of Twitter and not had to change his mind, and then he made a difference between a Trump speech on China and Biden's.

Biden said they are our friends and I mean, China is building military installations on artificial islands. They weren't even using islands that were already there. They're like, "We need more islands."

GUTFELD: That is scary. Kat.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: Yes, Greg.

GUTFELD: Do you think the Dems are actually going to keep Biden as a nominee?

TIMPF: I think it's so interesting, because my favorite part this week was when Beto said I think America can do better than Joe Biden.

And he does kind of have a point because even though Biden is doing very well. It's also true that there's a sizable percentage of America that doesn't want Biden to be the President.

The problem with what he said, is pretty much no percentage wants Beto to be President.

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

TIMPF: That's the problem. Nobody -- pretty much nobody would choose him for that. Like, I feel like more people would choose me to be a getaway driver.

And the last time my friend let me borrow their car, I ran it into two gates in front of a very obvious cop. Like I think more people would choose Casey Anthony to babysit their children. I think that more people would choose Danny DeVito for their basketball team.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: I would.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I would. I would love to meet Danny DeVito.

GUTFELD: Yes. Tyrus, what do you make of this match up?

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, CONTRIBUTOR: I would just like to say, I too --

TIMPF: Also, we can't make fun of Casey Anthony. You guys like her? Come on.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Too soon.

GUTFELD: Too soon. Somebody just yelled too soon.

TIMPF: What do you mean too soon? It doesn't really make sense in this instance, but let me do my job. Your job is to sit there. Thanks for your --

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: I think that is a first that a guest has scolded the audience.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: It was a heckler.

GUTFELD: I don't think that was a heckler.

MURDOCH: It was a heckler.

TIMPF: I'm casting it as a heckler.

GUTFELD: It was a helpful heckler.

MURDOCH: It was a tribe of hecklers. It was a bunch of heckles. It was all of them. Obviously, they are all from Florida.

GUTFELD: It was a murder of hecklers.

MURDOCH: Because she was innocent there.

TIMPF: Yes, I've had --

JONES: She just lost a wallet, guys. You've got to give her --

TIMPF: I did just lose my wallet, but then I found it.

(Cheering and Applause)

TIMPF: Wow, that's the easiest applause I've ever gotten keeping track of belongings I should keep track of as a 30-year-old woman.

GUTFELD: You know what, that's advice to you. Lose your wallet more often.

TIMPF: That's true.

GUTFELD: All right, Tyrus --

MURDOCH: What I was going to say, I, too share Joe's fear of artificial islands. It's -- they can just show up anywhere. I mean, put stuff on it.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: And you know what? I honestly feel bad for Joe. He really -- he would like to run for President, apparently there's a portion of the United States that wants to support him. But his own party hates him because he's white, which -- damn, that's -- I guess, it's progress. A little too much.

But you know whatever, I'll take it. First in my lifetime I've ever seen a dude trying to get off camera because he's white. If you have not watched when he does an interview. He walks away from the camera. He's trying to get off the camera when he talks.

He is like spaghetti, spaghetti -- and he needed to get off the stand.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: It's not -- it's not that he is slower walking, he is out of breath and trying to dodge the camera. They're like, "Listen, we want you to run, but you can't be on camera." So even at events because there's a podium there and I know a little something about a podium because sometimes I do a little press conference thing, you have to stay in front of the podium.

If you watch all the tapes, he is running from it. Because he doesn't want to be on film because the super left Democrats don't want them in there because he is white.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: White.

GUTFELD: All right, we've got to wrap this thing up.

MURDOCH: Shame on all you white people trying to -- not in this country, Jack.

GUTFELD: I think the biggest challenge for the Dems is the country is in good shape. You know, that's the problem. All they've got to fret about is the Hatch Act. I don't even know what the Hatch Act is. I pro hatching. I love eggs.

All right, up next, this candidate broke the number one rule. We will tell you what that is. Next.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: And now, “The Greg Gutfeld Show” presents, the 2020 CAN'T-idates.

GUTFELD: You've got to get loud to stand out from the crowd. The first Democratic debate is later this month. It's going to take two nights to get through 20 candidates.

NBC split them into two groups of 10. Yes, that's two nights to vomit through your eyeballs. The second night, you've got Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders and John Hickenlooper, who has been screaming from the balcony that Bernie's socialism isn't going to work.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. JOHN HICKENLOOPER, D-COLO., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Sanders said clearly on Wednesday that the goal of his complete agenda is to make the United States of America into a Democratic socialist country.

Democrats must say loudly and clearly that we are not socialists.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Hickenlooper makes a good point. It's a shame his last name rearranged is pickle hero no.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That's going to set him back. It's not just about who's got the best policy though or who can take on Trump. These candidates think they need a hip slogan to make a connection with voters. Right, Eric Swalwell?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. ERIC SWALWELL, D-CALIF., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I will be bold without the bull.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I haven't seen a delivery that bad since I had my paper route. Score. But at least Swalwell's goof can be our game.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It could happen to anyone. You've got a big presentation at work. You're nervous and you don't want to blow it.

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NATION HOST: Yes, I wish there was something I could take.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why not try some Swalwell?

SHILLUE: Swalwell? Never heard of it.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Nobody has. Swalwell is a confidence building imagery system created to help build individual performance. You take it through the eyes.

SHILLUE: Through the eyes? It sounds painful.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It is. Watch.

SWALWELL: But I will always be real with you. I will be bold without the bull. My wife and I --

SHILLUE: That is painful. Bold without the bull. What does that even mean? It kind of makes me cringe.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Cringing is one of Swalwell's side effects. It may also cause nausea, vomiting, flatulence, anxiety, restless legs, delusions of grandeur, chronic halitosis and mange.

SHILLUE: That's a lot of side effects.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It is but sometimes, two doses help. Watch again.

SWALWELL: I will always be real with you. I will be bold without the bull.

SHILLUE: Man, that is brutal. If I did something like that in my -- hey, it's starting to work. Could I see that again?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Don't you think you've had enough?

SHILLUE: I said, hit me again.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Okay.

SWALWELL: I will be bold without the bull.

SHILLUE: My speech is going to go so much better than that. I'm no longer nervous. Thanks, Swalwell.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You bet. Warning. Swalwell may not be available after the first presidential debate.

(Cheering and Applause)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Joe, your life is about landing a punch line.

MACHI: Yes, that's right, Greg. And I'm very good at it.

GUTFELD: You are very good. And I'm saying that as a compliment to you.

MACHI: Thank you.

GUTFELD: Yes. What did you make of Swalwell's performance?

MACHI: It was not great, Greg. Because when you want to make an applause line, you want to make sure it's relevant to everyone like Rocky Balboa did in "Rocky IV" when he said, "If can change. You can change then we can all change."

(Laughter)

MACHI: And I'm sorry about -- I'm sorry about that impression. It sounded better by myself.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But that was still better than Swalwell.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Kat, you're a comedian, you go, you perform. Thoughts on Swalwell or anything like that?

TIMPF: That silence was so depressing. If I were standing in a performance or stage or setting of that sort and people were silent, I would rather they boo me. Right? I would rather that a montage of all the times I cried during a high school dance just appear on a random screen behind.

Like at my wedding during my vows. Like, I would rather have somebody get up and punch me in the face. Right? That was a little silent just now. So I might -- will you punch me in the face, Joe?

MACHI: No, but I also -- I beg to disagree with you about the videos of crying during the high school dances. I don't want anyone to see those of me.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: You know, I think a prerequisite for our guest is that they had lousy high school's experiences.

TIMPF: Yes, I cried once wearing light up flip flops, which you wouldn't think would be possible. You think you could just look at them and be delighted. And that's what I was hoping for, it did not work.

GUTFELD: Tyrus?

MURDOCH: Okay, first of all, while that's cute and innocent. That's not the Kat that we know today.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Just the last segment -- two people forgot to laugh because you publicly scolded the entire group.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Now if had a little Kat in him, it was a lot of things -- well, I've been in that situation where you say the wrong thing. It's like talking to somebody about something really private and the music cuts off. And everyone is like, "Oh, how long have you had it?"

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: The worst part is to choreographer who is always telling us, you never look at -- who are you looking at? The crowd is in front of you. I am bold, bold.

TIMPF: Yes, did anybody get that? Because I didn't get it. And I'm quite smart.

GUTFELD: I think when he was doing -- you know what? If you aren't, you don't have to point it out.

TIMPF: No, I do.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: It's the practice in the mirror, Lawrence.

JONES: Yes.

GUTFELD: You have to be bold without the bull.

MURDOCH: And that was the plan.

TIMPF: Oh, I get it.

MURDOCH: That worked. Do it again, do it again?

GUTFELD: You have to be bold, without the bull.

MURDOCH: See how he did that?

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Lawrence?

MURDOCH: But that's not what he did.

GUTFELD: Lawrence?

JONES: That's frat boy 101. Frat boy 101. Look, I've never -- I've never liked the guy. He has always been so pretentious. And I think this is a guy that has walked into every position that he has gotten in his whole life. So this may have shocked him to death that he didn't get any applause. This may have been the turning point for Swalwell.

GUTFELD: Yes, I hope so.

JONES: I think so.

MURDOCH: No, he doesn't get turns.

JONES: Yes.

MURDOCH: We saw that.

GUTFELD: Is he on the debate stage? There's two debates. He is the debate stage. And there's no children's table.

TIMPF: I bet I could watch the entire thing and still not know.

GUTFELD: That'd be great if every debate question, he goes, he's looking somewhere off like this. And he goes, "I'll take that."

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: But he wouldn't do that. He'd go, "I'll take that." And he just -- either you've got it or you don't.

GUTFELD: That's called -- you know what -- okay, historic moment on this show. We just coined "The Swalwell." So what is "The Swalwell"? "The Swalwell" is when you -- what's the definition of Swalwell, Kat?

TIMPF: It's when you can't make a joke.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That was not a Swalwell. All right, up next, what's wrong with her song? Why do candidates play lousy music when they walk on stage? We have better suggestions for them next.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

JACKIE IBANEZ, CORRESPONDENT: Good evening and live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Jackie Ibanez in New York.

The U.S. is reportedly ramping up cyberattacks on Russia's power grid potentially crippling malware has been placed in the system. That's according to "The New York Times." "The Times" also reporting that it's intended as a warning and it allows the U.S. to conduct cyber strikes in the case of conflict between the two nations. President Trump dismissed the report as false and called it quote, "a virtual act of treason by a once great paper," in a tweet.

Meanwhile overseas, a major milestone tonight in Paris. Notre Dame Cathedral holding the first mass since it was nearly destroyed by fire two months ago. The Archbishop and worshippers, they wore hats -- hard hats -- and burnt debris was still visible during the service there. Only 30 people were allowed inside, including workers rebuilding the nearly 900- year old landmark.

I'm Jackie Ibanez, now back to “The Greg Gutfeld Show.” For all your headlines, log on to foxnews.com

CARLSON:

GUTFELD: There's something wrong with their walkout song. At the Iowa Democratic Hall of Fame dinner last Sunday, the 2020 hopefuls and their choice of tunes they walked on stage to left a lot to be desired.

Bernie Sanders used "Power to the People." Tulsi Gabberd played "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." Liz Warren played "Nine to Five." In other words, the choices were bland, safe and uninspiring. I could sit on a keyboard and make more interesting music.

I mean, ow awesome would it be if Bernie walked out to this?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Let's welcome him to the stage, our first candidate, Senator Bernie Sanders.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Not just a socialist, he's a Satanist. And maybe, how about this for Joe Biden?

[VIDEO PLAYS]

GUTFELD: That makes me very uncomfortable. But there's only one song that can move the needle for your campaign. Right, Liz?

[VIDEO PLAYS]

GUTFELD: A little plug there. Might I remind you, every time you download "Shut Up About Politics," all the proceeds go to charity, which still bothers me, because I would be rich now. But instead we're helping people, helping people, Kat. What would your walk on song be?

TIMPF: Honestly, I resent the fact that the theme of this segment is that all the choices were bad when someone did pick the song I would walk out to.

GUTFELD: Which is what?

TIMPF: Andrew Yang, whoever that may be, yes picked "Return of the Mack." Which is a magnificent masterpiece of a song. It fits for any occasion. I want to walk down the aisle to it at my wedding and then be walked down the aisle to it at my funeral.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And I would have had it playing at my first communion but they like wouldn't let me. They weren't cool about it. So that song slaps, and I think you need to hit me in the face because everyone was just very quiet.

MURDOCH: Because I think everyone knows the lyrics to that song.

(Cheering and Applause)

TIMPF: It's an excellent song. It's an excellent song. So I don't know Andrew Yang is, but does anyone?

MURDOCH: I do actually.

GUTFELD: He's a nice guy, a good guy. But the funny thing is, I only think of "Return to the Mac" the morning after I eat at McDonald's.

MURDOCH: Okay.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Oh man. I just made Tyrus sick.

TIMPF: Yes. Me too.

GUTFELD: #MeToo.

MURDOCH: He literally has this mutant power, it doesn't matter what the conversation is, it somehow ends up with him in the toilet. It doesn't matter -- he just -- he's like a wizard of --

GUTFELD: I am the Wizard of We.

TIMPF: In the morning, I'm like, "Hi Greg. How are you?" And then he's like, "Toilet." Every single day. Every single day.

GUTFELD: You know what? I don't know where to go with this. This is supposed to be about music.

TIMPF: Probably going to be somewhere with the toilet.

GUTFELD: Tyrus, what would be your song?

MURDOCH: I'll probably come out to like AC/DC. Like you know, "Highway To Hell." Something fun. You know what I am saying?

GUTFELD: "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap."

MURDOCH: Yes, I mean something fun that the crowd actually wake up for.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You know, just because -- there's the thing. It's not just -- why -- I wouldn't worry about my music. They have no message.

GUTFELD: Ah, good point.

MURDOCH: They have no policy. They have no --

(Cheering and Applause)

MURDOCH: Straight up. The only one -- and I'm being real. It's funny. You said Andrew Yang. He is the only one who has a plan.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.

MURDOCH: He is the only one who talks about his plan, and his plan is he wants to bring back the thing where you -- he is about to invent the caregiver, people to stay home and get paid.

GUTFELD: Right.

MURDOCH: And you tax like Amazon and Walmart because retail and those type of jobs are going away. So it's another way to help. It's actually a decent plan. President Trump will probably steal it, but least he has a plan and nothing he is talking about is Trump this Trump that. He is the only one with a plan. Unfortunately, we'll never hear that plan, but like it's a good plan.

GUTFELD: All right, Lawrence, any thoughts on music?

JONES: Yes, I'd probably would come out with some hip hop Jay Z or J. Cole. I need something that I can feel, some soul to the --

TIMPF: "Return of the Mack."

JONES: Yes, yes, yes.

GUTFELD: I would go -- I would go with "Jaws," "The Exorcist" theme or the theme from "Deliverance" "Dueling Banjos" because it gets me in the mood.

MURDOCH: He is lying. It's a giant flush a toilet.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Joe? Thoughts?

MACHI: I would go with Peter Cetera and Amy Grant, "Next Time I Fall in Love."

(Laughter)

MACHI: It puts people in a good mood and it's not specific. They just say next time --

JONES: Where are you going? The prom?

MACHI: No, it'll just be like, "What's his -- how is he going to fix the country?" Whoo, whoo, whoo. I will be bold without the bull.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, I've got to wrap this up. But this spring -- this is why Trump was so different and edgy. His choice was, "You Can't Always Get What You Want," which mock the opposition, right? Pissed off music critics, "How dare he use this song?" And music journalist and also forever tattooed on a classic Stone song, his initials, which has got to drive Mick Jagger crazy. So that's an accomplishment.

All right, I've got -- shut up. Up next, do you want to know where your tax money goes? Probably not. But we're going to tell you anyway.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Are they spending your bucks just for the yucks. A group called Citizens Against Government Waste, or CAGW is out this year's list of all the weird things Congress is funding with your tax dollars, like keeping fruit flies under quarantine. We're spending $9 million on that.

In fact, since 1991, the year I was born, Congress has spent around $40 million to eradicate fruit flies, but we've still got fruit flies, which means fruit flies are outsmarting Congress. I'd rather spend that money figuring out what blew this cat's mind.

[VIDEO PLAYS]

GUTFELD: I'm hoping it's not cocaine. Tyrus, what would you like to see government money spent on?

MURDOCH: I'd like to see a spent where it belongs. I think it's -- you know, we're all laughing about $9 million for fruit flies. And it was like another one that was like ridiculous amounts of money for like making sure wild horses stayed in their area. It's called a fence, bros.

We have first responders who can't get medical treatment.

(Cheering and Applause)

MURDOCH: We have schools that are unsafe. We have schools that aren't safe. I mean, we have a lot of things that we can be putting into making sure we can be taken care of like the homeless situation in California.

There's a lot of things that we could be doing with this money and we laugh at each other, but this is why we need term limits.

(Cheering and Applause)

MURDOCH: You know, we've got to get these guys out of there.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: And I'll just add to your list, I could use a boat.

JONES: No.

GUTFELD: Lawrence?

MURDOCH: Why? To cut out the middleman with your toilet, you'll just be out in sea.

(Laughter)

JONES: You know, it just proves that Congress just doesn't give -- I think they do not care at all. I mean, you've got --

(Cheering and Applause)

JONES: They don't. They don't because this is just one example of the many things that they just abuse our money with.

You've got the Flint water crisis that they can be -- Democrats, where are you on this? And the Republicans, you could secure the border with some of this money. You know, they just don't care.

And they bicker back and forth. But at the end of the day, they're all the same.

GUTFELD: You know, it's true. They spend money. They spend money on projects that gets them re-elected, Joe.

JONES: And they want a raise.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, they were voting to raise. But Joe, what if there's something about this fruit fly stuff that we're missing? There has to be something of importance, like maybe these fruit flies spread like bad fruit?

MACHI: I would -- I mean, without any context, it could be a good thing to keep fruit flies off our produce. But I'll tell you what, the whole term pork barrel is a misnomer. Because if the government is spending money on barrel support, to me, that is a worthwhile investment.

(Laughter)

MACHI: If there's ever any kind of pork disaster, we've got an ace in the hole. We got pork for a rainy day of no --

GUTFELD: That's so true. I never thought of it that way. Joe, you've opened my eyes once again.

MACHI: I'll tell you what, though, Greg. If there's one thing we should spend money on, it's finding a replacement for the person who estimates the cost of things for the government.

They're like, "Oh, we're going to build this train for $100 billion," and now it's half the size for twice the money and 20 years later --

GUTFELD: Yes, that's the guy that is the least competent. It's the guy who tells us how much it's going to cost. Just smart.

MACHI: We need a pessimist there instead of an optimist.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Kat?

TIMPF: Yes, I guess this just isn't surprising to me, because as I understand it, government is made up of people and people tend to spend ridiculously when they're just given money and it's not their money.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like, have you ever seen a trust fund kid that's super spoiled?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: They buy designer sweaters for their dogs.

GUTFELD: I know.

TIMPF: Like they buy mansions and they don't live with any roommates unless you count their giant plastic surgery lips.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Which they all have for some reason. I mean, they're spending money like they're a little rich girl who got it from daddy and normally I wouldn't care because capitalism whatever, live and let live, but in this situation I do care because I'm daddy.

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Yes, good point. All right. I want my tax money to build a wall around Vermont.

Up next, a man's wish to have his head frozen is being challenged by his own son. It's the story "Special Report" won't touch.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Is it possible to get ahead even after it is dead. A Montana man is suing a cryonics company Alcor Life Extension Foundation to get his father's frozen head back. Before he died, the father paid Alcor $120,000.00 for the freezing in case one day technology enables his brain to be revived.

Now his son says quote, "They're selling pie in the sky. It's not based in science. It's based in science fiction more than anything else." Something to ponder. But do you know what's not science fiction? I just got my driver's license.

(Cheering and Applause)

Anyway, Alcor Life Extension is the same company that storing late baseball player, Ted Williams's head. They're fighting the lawsuit saying they have held their end of the contract. So what do you make of this story? What do you make of this story, Lawrence about this? Isn't it a problem when you have to lug around a relative's head?

JONES: It's his head. He should be able to freeze it and whatever the hell he wants to do with it. But let's be fair, okay. Once the guy dies, the kids get to decide, all right.

GUTFELD: Right.

JONES: They should just compromise and say okay, dad, whatever you want. And then after that, put it back in the grave.

GUTFELD: But you know, Kat, your parents -- when they're aging, then you got to take care of his head when he's dead.

TIMPF: You know what?

GUTFELD: What?

TIMPF: I stand firmly with the head freezing company.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Very firmly. I never thought that's a sentence I would have to say. But I stand firmly with them nonetheless. Because you know what? Your body, your choice, even when it's your frozen decapitated head. That's what I always say.

(Cheering and Applause)

JONES: You know, that's a good point.

TIMPF: It's his head. I -- they've got to keep it in the freezer. I fully expect --

GUTFELD: Next to the ice cream.

TIMPF: I fully expect my loved ones to make sure they uphold my end of life wish.

GUTFELD: Which is what?

TIMPF: To be stuffed by a taxidermists and then attached to a skateboard, and wield past the bedroom windows of everyone I've ever dated.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: My dead body, my choice. It's my dead body, I do what I want.

GUTFELD: Joe? Thoughts?

MACHI: I'd be pretty upset if I paid to have my whole body frozen and then they had some miracle technology where they could bring me back to life and then I'm like, good luck finding another body this ripped.

(Laughter)

MACHI: I'll tell you what, though. I think the irony is what if they do cure the thing you died off but then they can't cure freezing to death?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That's how you do it, Swalwell. Tyrus?

MURDOCH: Okay, I'm just I'm trying to keep it together. Let me see if I understand this right.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You just threw a party and dumped a ton of confett to get something that your ass should have got when you were 15 or 16 years old?

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Oh, you ain't clean. And every person in here cheered for you. He is literally five to eight decades late.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I had a driver's license.

TIMPF: Yes, I didn't get any dolphins when I found my wallet.

GUTFELD: Because you lost your wallet. My license expired and I had to take the -- in this state, I had to go and take the whole lesson all over again.

MURDOCH: Oh, let's throw you a party.

GUTFELD: It was a surprise party --

MURDOCH: For us.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You didn't look surprised. You were literally counting the confetti to make sure they use the whole bag.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: You know what? Screw all you, people. I did something very important this week and I'm proud of it. Damn it.

MURDOCH: Did you pee standing up to?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: He did it.

GUTFELD: Oh man, tickets are still available for the next "Gutfeld Monologues Live." Saturday, July 20th. Asbury Park, New Jersey. Go to ggutfeld.com for ticket information. Stay right there. "Final Thoughts" next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: It's the "Final Thoughts." It's the last thought. That's why it's called the "Final Thoughts," okay?

GUTFELD: Someone is not going home alone tonight. Lawrence, final thoughts?

JONES: New show on Fox Nation, "Keeping up with Jones." You'll see me pin down liberals on different topics in the news cycle and "My Man on the Streets" video from Sean Hannity, "Man on the Street." Foxnation.com.

GUTFELD: Excellent.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, Joe?

MACHI: Catch me at the Comedy Cellar this Wednesday during my new hour which will soon be a special.

GUTFELD: Oh, excellent. I'm excited. Kat, you and Tyrus are doing something?

TIMPF: Yes we are, Greg.

MURDOCH: Tell them, Kat.

TIMPF: It's very exciting. Okay. June 27th, 10:00 p. m. Carolines on Broadway. That's in New York City. Get your tickets. Come see me and Tyrus. It's going to be a wonderful time and if you don't miss it, you'll regret it on your deathbed, if you miss it.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Thank you. Thank you to Lawrence Jones, Joe Machi, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.

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