'Gutfeld!' on Roosevelt statue removed, 'woke' M&Ms

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Gutfeld: The woke M&Ms

The 'Gutfeld!' panel reacts to Mars Inc. announcing M&Ms characters will be redesigned for a more 'progressive' world.

This is a rush transcript from "Gutfeld!," January 21, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Clap. Clap you jerks. Clap. Happy Friday, everyone. Jesse Watters is here. No, no, no, don't change it. Don't change it. It's going to be great. Trust me. So finally, Justice has arrived after all the rampant, crime the smash and grabs, the subway covers, the brutal random murders of young women. Our leaders are finally doing something about it.

Late Wednesday night, a statue of Theodore Roosevelt. That's a president, Kat. Was removed after standing in front of the American Museum of Natural History for more than 80 years. Yes, instead of removing the vagrants who have been dedicating doing drugs and assaulting people go after the inanimate stiff, that'll make life better. But hey, Teddy was evil. Those glasses, that mustache. He probably wore those as a disguise while he was beating up people of color.

So get lost your jerk and take your racist horse with you. And what a heroic feat to rid us of Teddy or at least a statue. So typical of Libs to pick on something that can't hit back. By the way, the removal cost the city two million bucks. So where are they sending Teddy to? Private school? Antifa could have done it for free with ropes. With CNN looking the other way. Hell, Kat would have done it for two Sixers. The beer not the players.

But where else would you like that money to go? For more policing in the subways or the streets where crime is rampant? Shut up your bigot. Did you know the statue was deemed so offensive they covered it with a massive orange tarp. The same one Brian Stelter uses as a towel in the Steam Room. The monument is now in a library in North Dakota. So like all residents fleeing New York to Florida, it's probably safer.

In the New York Post, they quote one of Teddy's descendants, "Theodore Roosevelt the fifth, who cheered the removal, saying the statue is being relocated to a place where its composition can be recontextualized to facilitate difficult, complex and inclusive discussions. Well, thank you, you pretentious (BLEE) If Teddy were alive, he dressed you up like a white rhino and chase you through Central Park with a 12 gauge.

And you think I care about these statues? I don't. I'm not into statues, except for the nudes. And even then the security at the museum keeps a pretty good eye on me. But this is part of a larger problem. Americans care about crime. They don't care about statues any more than they care about trans bathrooms or pronouns. But someone does. It's our Craven leaders who are under the thumb of a tiny woke mob.

This as crime explodes in every city run by Libs. We hear the tragedies every day, but they don't get the outrage. You saw over statues in those heady days of the George Floyd riots, when statues were dropping like Jeffrey Toobin's pants during Zoom call, never gets old. Now many were of confederate soldiers toppled by protesters, but it didn't stop there. And even the city leaders joined in just as one guy predicted

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: In the proud tradition of America's great leaders, from George Washington, please don't take his statue down please. Please. To Lincoln to Teddy Roosevelt, I see they want to take Teddy Roosevelt's down to. They're trying to figure out why, they don't know. They're trying to take away our culture. They're trying to take away our history and our weak leaders. They do it overnight. These things have been there for 150 years for 100 years. Weak, weak people.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: We didn't deserve him. Protesters tore down statues of anti- slavery heroes, as well as statues and governors. They remove monuments honoring citizens who fought in the Union army. They trashed statues of the missionary Junipero Serra. That's my high school. That high school is named after him, and they better leave my statue alone. I'm riding Tom Brady on horseback.

Of course, Columbus was removed in Chicago by Lori lightweight. Black kids are getting shot by other black kids and she's like, let's get that dead Italian out of here. If only we had a visual aid to shed some light on these misplaced priorities.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Thank you all for coming. I'll keep this brief before turning the mic over to the CNN Sex Crimes Unit. After two years of exhausting all of our resources we have finally apprehended the man who has caused our community so much pain and sadness. His reign of terror is over and we can finally feel safe again. Now I'll give you one last look at the son of a bitch before we put him away for good.

We also called his accomplice. I believe they call that the get away. But in conclusion (BLEEP) him and the horse he wrote in on. Oh, and if you call the department in the past couple of months about robberies and murders, I promise you we will return your phone call. We just got to work out some staffing issues. Thank you.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's a police bust. So as crimes banana control, our media saw progress in this pointless purge. Abe Lincoln statue was toppled in Portland. I guess they're siding with John Wilkes' booth. Both Thomas Jefferson and George Washington were also knocked down in that town. Then they destroyed the city. Of course there's no correlation there. Andrew Jackson in Mississippi, Francis Scott Key in San Francisco, Ulysses S. Grant also toppled in S.F.

Probably to be replaced by a giant bronze pile of human feces. Even Frederick Douglass wasn't safe. He was torn down in Rochester, New York. Like Brian Kilmeade's flees, that's a head scratcher. The Virgin Mary decapitated in Tennessee. Jesus Christ decapitated in Miami, probably because it needed a nose job. Gandhi, even Gandhi was vandalized in Davis, California. And we all remember what a jerk he was.

And yet the media and our politicians thought it was progress that this would help cities and help people. But like what Disney did the Star Wars they destroyed something and replaced it with something worse. The rest of us though, we knew this was an excuse for mayhem, a gateway for more than just destroying statues. And what came next? Businesses and police precincts destroyed, nothing was sacred.

And when looting is defended as a good thing. Society is backwards as Chris Cross's pants. There's a reference. Wow, it's the broken window theory on meth. You let society go to hell. And it quite literally goes to hell. We have criminals released from prison to commit more crime on New York subways, L.A. bus stations, high-end furniture stores. They'll stab you because they're soulless and cold as the statues being torn down.

And yet even now, the statues are still a priority. Because fake virtue signaling is easier than dealing with real suffering. And politicians were just more terrified of the mob than they were of you. Bill de Blasio, Ted Wheeler, Jacob Frey, if they were any more yellow, they'd be on The Simpsons. And now people are dying, in part because leaders felt a piece of stone was more harmful than a dude with a knife.

When the truth is sometimes a statue is the only thing between you and the dude with a knife. So now the only safe statue is the one in the White House until they make a real one of them. Then they'll tear it down in a heartbeat.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. When he's feeling romantic he runs his fingers through his own hair. Co-host of "THE FIVE" and host of the brand new "JESSE WATTERS PRIMETIME," Jesse Watters. Smattering of applause. He comes up with more plots than a grave digger. Up In The Air author, Walter Kirn. The irony of him being a writer for cheers years is that nobody knows his name.

T.V. writer and producer Rob Long. And speaking of that, every one of the bar yells cheers when she finally leaves. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. Because she drinks.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.

GUTFELD: Jesse.

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Yes.

GUTFELD: I, you know, it's a serious issue, crime. But if there was a statue of you put up, how long after it went up would it take for people to tear it down?

WATTERS: Well, it depends if it was a nude statue. I don't think I'm going to surprise anybody when I say that I am not that big of a fan of art.

GUTFELD: No.

WATTERS: But I do appreciate statues because you're right. I do want to be a statue one day. And in all seriousness, we have -- when I say we, I mean, my assistant Johnny.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Has called the mayor of Scranton. Wait, where did you get your start? Allentown.

GUTFELD: Allentown.

WATTERS: Yes, Allentown. And we are in active negotiations with the mayor to erect a statue of you.

GUTFELD: Are you kidding me?

WATTERS: Swear -- now, Greg.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: -- about months ago?

WATTERS: No. Yes. See? Thank you. All right. So we are now deciding whether this is going to be on public or private land. And we've actually found a price point, it's $10,000.

GUTFELD: Right.

WATTERS: Because it's going to be the scale.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: And it's -- and it's actually smaller than you think because you're going to be depicted sitting down.

GUTFELD: OK.

WATTERS: Because we know you get uncomfortable when you stand.

GUTFELD: That is true.

WATTERS: Well, there's going to be an unveiling ceremony. You guys are all invited to it. And we expect it to be toppled.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: And you're -- eventually we may have to take it down.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Because you'll have canceled yourself and brought great shame on all of us. And then we'll just put it in a basement somewhere.

GUTFELD: You know, I didn't expect that as an answer, but I'm very excited over this.

WATTERS: Yes.

GUTFELD: I believe you.

WATTERS: Yes. Didn't I tell you?

TIMPF: Literally talked to me about this months ago.

GUTFELD: I can't wait. Who pays for this?

WATTERS: That's also a negotiation.

GUTFELD: I bet --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I bet I can get a rich, lonely old man to pay for it. Rob?

ROB LONG, T.V. WRITER AND PRODUCER: Well, again, only if it's nude, and you're seated. I need that. That's what I think. And it has to -- has to move in some way. Like -- I'm thinking like the great moments with Mr. Lincoln. I kind of want you to stand up. Do a monologue, just like the robot.

GUTFELD: I would like the chair to be made of glass. So people can just -- well, anyway.

(CROSSTALK)

LONG: No one can get that laugh.

GUTFELD: No. All right. Well, I'm going to leave you be. I drooled over the happiness of this. Walter, how do -- I know you're on -- you've got some dental issues right now.

WALTER KIRN, AUTHOR, UP IN THE AIR: Oh, yes. I cracked a tooth on the way to New York City. And so I've got both Novocaine and a pharmaceutical -- I won't name. So I don't get robbed on the way out of the building.

GUTFELD: Robbed by either me or Kat.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Don't worry about the criminals. I'm waiting for you. I know what you got.

KIRN: So it's Walter Kirn unchained today.

GUTFELD: Yes. So what's your take on this -- on this crime versus statue.

KIRN: OK. I've got three points. Number one. I'm not for the removal of statues in general. But if there's one statue I would remove, it might be Teddy Roosevelt with an Indian and a black dude helping him on his horse.

GUTFELD: You have to take.

KIRN: You know, so I might make an exception for that one. Number two, who judges statues guilty?

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Who holds the trial?

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: So I think the constitution should afford statues the right to a fair trial.

GUTFELD: That's a great point.

KIRN: And I think they should be judged by a jury of their peers. Other statutes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: I think other statutes should decide if, you know, George Washington has to go or something. And I think the statue that's on trial should have the right to remain silent. Which shouldn't be hard because it's a statue.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Yes.

GUTFELD: Well done, my friend.

KIRN: Well prepared.

GUTFELD: You know, not bad for a guy who's on oxy.

KIRN: I know. Yes.

GUTFELD: I do some of my best thinking on that. If you've watched "THE FIVE."

WATTERS: It makes me rethink the whole Sackler family thing.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: It's understood, Rob. I've been saying that to you all along.

(CROSSTALK)

LONG: That's really true actually.

GUTFELD: I love the Wilford Brimley by the way.

LONG: Thank you, thank you. I'm like, you know, he was not as old as he -- as he looked.

GUTFELD: No, he wasn't.

LONG: And that's what I'm going for.

GUTFELD: Yes. So, where do you -- you -- I mean, I don't see -- this to me isn't about statutes. It's about how politicians can only guess at one thing at a time and so as crime is going on over here everybody's going after inanimate objects while people are getting killed.

LONG: Well, yes. I mean, first of all, I'm still a little -- a 10 grand for what? Like what is it? Bronze?

WATTERS: Yes, bronze.

LONG: Bronze?

WATTERS: Yes, bronze.

LONG: I think he -- bronze really?

WATTERS: He doesn't deserve bronze.

LONG: How about aluminum foil ball but he kind of shade.

WATTERS: That I can do for 50 bucks.

LONG: Yes. Then I think, you know, put the money somewhere else. I would say about the stat -- it is a long standing tradition for all politicians. Easy stuff first.

GUTFELD: Right.

LONG: It's easy to pull down the statue and then you can do that and you can have -- buy yourself a month while everything gets worse or everything gets better magically by itself. I don't really care about the statues actually. Maybe it's time to put -- have different heroes like -- I don't know. It's not a work of art really. It's just a kind of a commemoration. So we should just go decide who our, you know, our new heroes are. Mine would be the guy who like put the cheese in the crust.

GUTFELD: Hmm. Yes.

WATTERS: Oh. Cheesy crust.

KIRN: But why should the horse have to suffer?

GUTFELD: That is true. The horse did nothing wrong.

KIRN: Exactly.

GUTFELD: Did nothing wrong. Yes, it's interesting. What who are our modern heroes right now? Real Housewives?

KIRN: Yes.

GUTFELD: You know, I think Kat, you might have some ideas on the kind of statues that would matter most to the young people, a young demo. Given that you're, you know, you're under 40, just about.

WATTERS: Just about.

TIMPF: I'm significantly under 40. That's OK though because I'm so wise and accomplished.

GUTFELD: Yes, you are.

TIMPF: I'm very accomplished and smart. So people forget -- like there's no way she could be that young.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So I understand.

KIRN: It's like the reverse will (INAUDIBLE)

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: Yes. I get that. And all the time to like the really she's so successful. How is she not 50?

LONG: My advice, don't grow a beard.

TIMPF: Oh, I can't. I've been trying. I don't set -- whenever this happens I was just like, find out the statues exist.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I don't -- I don't notice the statues. I'm always --

WATTERS: You haven't been to the Museum of Modern Art?

TIMPF: No, I'm just always -- I went but I was on my phone the whole time.

WATTERS: Me too.

GUTFELD: It's true. You know what it is? It's the Streisand effect on statues, right? Like the -- you don't know something until --

TIMPF: I'm like, oh, that's that, oh, wow, yes, I didn't even know that was there or what that was. I mean like I'm sure I've been around it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: All these statues, but I just also want to again be clear that he's not joking. Because when you -- when you hosted for Greg, when you took your day off for your birthday and like you add me, you had some questions for me about hosting the show.

WATTERS: Yes.

TIMPF: And you were very much like why do I have you here?

WATTERS: And then you tried to leave.

TIMPF: And that was in September.

WATTERS: Yes.

TIMPF: Glad to see it's still in motion.

WATTERS: It's still -- there's been some supply chain issues working on it.

GUTFELD: I don't think Allentown Is that -- going to be that supportive of me. I don't think --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Well, that's why we're negotiating the private plus. It's supposed to the public.

TIMPF: First he's going to buy the land.

WATTERS: Yes.

GUTFELD: All right. Well, we solve nothing. This was completely derailed by my stature. All right. Up next, why Hollywood can't keep quiet about the D.C. riots?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: The left has not fulfilled their fix about what happened on January 6. So Hollywood has another movie in store that absolutely no one asked for. Deadline was first to report that a film is in the works depicting the events of the January 6 capital riot. It'll be called Wedding Crashers. Actually, it's called J6. I wonder if the FBI will get a producing credit. Billy Ray, the guy behind the miniseries, the Comey rule will direct this movie.

So you'll know it'll be more slanted than in A-frame house. Of course, January 6 has become like a never ending Super Bowl for the left. That's a distraction that only matters to them. And as predicted, it's getting the movie treatment. And like say the story of Harvey Weinstein or anyone else that hits too close to home. Says the director, "The goal was to do a ground level view of a momentous day. It's about protesters who became rioters and cops who became defenders of democracy."

So Wow. Now Hollywood likes the cops and guns apparently. Sorry, it sounds like this version of January 6 will be as phony as AOC's version of January 6. You know when she was taken hostage and nearly murdered probably by Ted Cruz and a mask. Personally, I'd rather watch this on Loop.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Three, two, one.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That was a hard one you little (BLEEP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Isn't that elder abuse? Anyway, that's another reason why I hate children, Walter. Your book up In The Air was turned into a movie starring that guy that looks like me. George Clooney.

KIRN: Yes.

GUTFELD: How do you think this will turn out?

KIRN: Well, I told my wife that we were going to do a segment on this. And she said wasn't January 6 already a movie?

GUTFELD: Nice.

KIRN: And I and I think what she meant by that was that we now have the most heavily edited, you know, insurrection in history. I think they're already holding 10,000 hours of footage that they haven't released. Why don't they just, you know, release those and not make the movie?

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: But the -- I want to know who's going to be cast as the, you know, guy with the horns. I got a -- who? You have a -- who?

LONG: (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: Oh, nice, nice. What about -- what about Ray Epps? Ray Epps?

LONG: Oh. Who's the guy? David (INAUDIBLE) Ray Epps. The eldest guy's fed?

KIRN: Fed. Yes.

GUTFELD: I was thinking of Jeff Daniels. Yes.

LONG: Oh, interesting.

KIRN: And he can give a speech about how he's innocent.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Because Jeff Daniels is very good in those roles as this fulsome liberal voice of reason, you know. Except this time he's playing against type as a fascist. Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. What about you -- Rob, you are a Hollywood Insider.

LONG: Yes.

GUTFELD: Is this going to be fair and balanced?

LONG: I hope not. It won't be that good if it is.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: It would be like -- also the whole idea of like democracy, it isn't like if you -- whoever captures the capital gets -- it's not capture the flag. Like it's just a building. It isn't like when the guys go and the cleaning crew comes in. They're suddenly in charge. Like it doesn't matter like -- it's such a weird thing, you know.

GUTFELD: Nobody's pointed that out.

(CROSSTALK)

KIRN: It's like Goodwill Hunting. They'll come in the middle of night and write a new constitution --

(CROSSTALK)

LONG: You don't get to do that. It's not how it works. But I actually feel like -- I mean, it's going to be fun and spooky, but the problem is ultimately what -- like the scary music is going to -- what are we going to do?

GUTFELD: Right.

LONG: We're going to steal her Memo Pad.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Like it doesn't quite -- you know what I mean? It's like, I don't know. They got to come up - -they have to make -- it's got to be more January 16 I think.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: That's what I -- my note as an executive would be, make it not January 6. Make it something else that's scarier like bomb.

GUTFELD: Make six C, sexy.

LONG: Yes, sixy. Sexy. Yes.

GUTFELD: Sixy sexy.

LONG: It doesn't matter what happened. Make better?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes, they got a -- they got to -- they got to Oliver Stone it.

LONG: Totally.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Totally. That's what I would do.

GUTFELD: Yes. Make it four hours, Kat. Four hours long with all of these elements and people meeting and parking lots and right stuff like that.

WATTERS: And then somebody raised their hand and says, wait a minute, so just then what happens? We get -- we go in, shut up you.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. It's like nothing happens.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Ashli Babbitt get shot dead, but they're not going to concentrate on that, Kat. They're not going to look at her life. What do you think? Is this is a good idea?

TIMPF: No, I don't -- I think movies are a good idea.

GUTFELD: Oh, no.

KIRN: Movies.

GUTFELD: Just in general.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: I don't -- they're too long. Exactly. They are too long. And I just -- I can't watch movies. I can watch like five to 10 to 20 episodes of a show in a row. But a movie I find is too much commitment.

GUTFELD: That's right. It's like they did an Emily in Paris movie, I'm not watching it.

TIMPF: I still don't know what that is.

GUTFELD: Well --

TIMPF: You couldn't -- you talk about it all day long.

KIRN: I want to see a fan fiction metaverse version of this January 6 plot where they actually win.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Right? That would be in.

LONG: Once Upon a Time in D.C.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Tarantino would do a great job. Jesse, the advantage that -- I call them the Hollywoggs. Combination of Hollywood and Progg. Came up with that just now. Hollywoggs. You guys can use it at home. Is that -- once they find a narrative they like they already have the machinery in place. So they can just pump out any kind of propaganda because they're already locked and loaded. We don't have that luxury.

WATTERS: I think this movie is going to be a laugh riot.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

WATTERS: Did you guys get that joke?

GUTFELD: Yes. Over my head.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: It took hours.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: To be fair, I wasn't really listening.

WATTERS: Thank you. No one else's either. And the reason I -- Kat kind of touched on this, there's no romance on January 6.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: There's no woman, there's no love --

(CROSSTALK)

KIRN: -- they killed her.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

TIMPF: You are not listening to me either.

WATTERS: But you can't take a date to a January 6 movie.

GUTFELD: No.

WATTERS: You can't make out in the back of the movie theaters. There's just nothing there for that type of film to take off.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: If I had Gutfeld money, and they better shoot it --

KIRN: Which I might at some point. They better do that soon.

WATTERS: Yes, they do.

KIRN: Because if the Republicans win Congress, they won't let them have the set.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

WATTERS: Sorry . You can't film here.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Last word. What were you going to say?

WATTERS: I was just going to say there's better topics for films. I would do like, like a Hunter Biden by --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Well, yes. In fact --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Or a pandemic movie.

GUTFELD: Oh, there's going to be 20 of those. They're doing a Hunter Biden movie and they're filming it I think in Serbia right now. You know who's directing it? Our friend Robert Davi.

WATTERS: Really?

KIRN: Yes.

WATTERS: Oh.

GUTFELD: Interesting, isn't it? Anyway, we got to move on. Up next. Instead of teaching kids stem, they're forced feeding racist glam.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: A school pushes racist privilege bingo while students don't learn a thing-go. High School in Fairfax County Virginia, aren't they all has defied state curriculum laws by asking students to take part in privileged bingo, unlike a bingo enjoyed by older people playing this will make you wish you were dead?

In a game called identifying your privilege, some bingo spaces include having parents that are married, being a military kid, being white male and having your own bedroom. Well, you might say some of those things are irrelevant, some are good luck and some are just signing your family has its act together. Of course, you would say that, you racist.

By the way, I don't even have my own bedroom and I still, I still share it with Stuart Varney, and that is a privilege. Especially when I get the top bunk. On his first day in office, Virginia's Governor Glenn Youngkin ban divisive concepts like this, but the school ignored them. The Assistant Superintendent for the school district said the exercise encourages students to reflect on their own biases instead of reflecting, you know, on silliness, like learning how to count and learning how to read.

But many parents in particularly military families took issue with military kid being considered a privilege, you know, because yes, I'm sure when their grand dad's were storming Normandy, all they could think was, boy, do I have it easy.

Plus, military kids move as soon as they make friends and are literally called brats. After the backlash, a spokesperson for the district apologized, instead they removed the category. You know, I bet they missed the good old days when they could call children racist, and the governor wore blackface. But no wonder schools stink when all they're taught is crap. We'll be right back. Rob --

ROB LONG, PRODUCER: Oh, geez.

GUTFELD: Should all these teachers be arrested?

LONG: Well, I mean, in a way, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: That's the answer you want.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: But also like, does anybody think -- I mean, remember when you're in school, and you played a game, you didn't learn anything?

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: It's like when they wheeled in the video thing, you're like, oh, this is great. I can just -- the children aren't learning anything from a game. I don't care what they, what the adults think. But also, I was looking at it. And I think I read it wrong. One of the things that makes you -- one of the privileges is you feel represented in media.

And when I first saw it, it looked like feet represented in media, I thought, yes, like, you've got very privileged feet. You see your feet everywhere. Just kind of the, I guess the point of this whole game, which is to prove that you know, whatever you've got, it's your, your privilege. Whatever I've got, I'm not. You owe me.

GUTFELD: Yes. Well, the thing is, Jesse, obviously, if you were playing this game, you'd be right up there. But it almost pits other students against the students like you. It is like, it's --

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: That's, that happens naturally. But I think the reason the school ignored the executive order, because he, he dropped it when he didn't have his vest on.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Now, the vest, the Youngkin's vest is his superpower. So, that's probably why. But I said this the other day, and I'm going to repeat it because I'm just adding material. Let's just say I am an athletic, wealthy, black lesbian.

GUTFELD: Right.

WATTERS: OK. And I am applying to be admitted to Brown. And let's say Kat is a straight white male, Christian from Florida.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: If only.

WATTERS: And she is also applying to Brown. And we have the same score. So, the black lesbian is getting in.

GUTFELD: Right, right.

WATTERS: Right? So, I don't see as someone who likes to make sweeping generalizations --

TIMPF: No, my parents are going to pay to get me in.

WATTERS: Yes. And I -- my parents can't afford it.

LONG: Right.

WATTERS: So, it's, it's -- listen, there's just more than being white Christian and straight. Also, about how much cash you have.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WALTER KIRN, LITERARY CRITIC: And then prize of all this is that you get to go to Brown? That analogy.

GUTFELD: I would do anything I could to get out of Brown. And I mean that, I mean the school, Kat.

TIMPF: Yes, I know, I knew it was coming.

GUTFELD: You know, the funny thing is Bingo is like a game for old white people. So, you're just priming all these kids to hang out with old white people. That's got to be bad, right, Kat?

TIMPF: Uh, I guess so. I guess that's a very -- look, I don't think my opinion matters because these aren't my kids. I think it's, you know, the parents should have the choices when it comes to this. I think it's a further argument of so many arguments to give parents more options when it comes to schools for their kids. I don't want to -- I don't think it's my place to worry about how any kid turns out which is actually why I don't have any, because I don't want that responsibility.

GUTFELD: So, you're OK with privilege Bingo?

TIMPF: If, if parents want to send their kid to a school that has privilege Bingo, then they can do that. There should be options and choices. And again, I don't have kids for a reason.

WATTERS: Because you are a straight white male.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTER: Right.

TIMPF: Yes, I'm a man.

KIRN: Greg, I don't think the parent, the teachers should be arrested.

GUTFELD: No.

KIRN: I think they should be forced to play privilege Bingo first.

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: And I think the question should be like this: You get every summer off. You get a state-funded pension. You get to make little kids cry and tell them what to do every day.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's a privilege.

KIRN: That that's my joke. And now I'm going to return to my oxy coma.

GUTFELD: I'm so jealous. All right. Coming up, M&Ms are more inclusive but the whole point remains elusive.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Will M&Ms still melt in your hands if they identify as trans? When I eat a bag of M&Ms, do I wonder which color and shape best represents my identity? No, because it's a (BLEEP) chocolate. And also, it's obviously the orange one. But the iconic candy company is giving the mascots makeovers to make them more inclusive. How are they doing this?

Well, obviously by changing their footwear, instead of Gogo boots the seductress green M&M will now wear sneakers. Additionally, their voices will be updated in a tone that's more welcoming. Sorry, Kat. No voiceovers for you. Said Catherine Slight, interesting, Chief Growth Officer at Mars Wrigley: "Who better to commit to a world with more moments of fun by increasing a sense of belonging around the globe than M&Ms?"

I don't know, maybe three musketeers. We could replace their swords with protest signs. But honestly, this is weird. If you really truly want to make an M&M feel like they belong, you probably shouldn't be eating them. I mean, what kind of message does it send to children when you devour these little non-binary bond bonds? For commentary we go to our candy correspondents.

That was not a candy correspondent. Kat --

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: OK. They want to make their little characters inclusive, and then you're going to eat them?

TIMPF: You know, I have so many thoughts on this.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: The green M&M is a snake.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: The new one. The new one. OK, listen, the little, they little statements and she says, "I think we all win when we see more women in leading roles. So, I'm happy to take on the part of supportive friend when they succeed." OK, like none of you guys are women. But women all know that the women that are like I'm a woman and I'm pro-woman and called pro-women. I am -- you can't trust them. Because real women, they just do it.

They don't need to brag about it, like they're running some kind of campaign and she admits she's doing that. She says, the port of a supportive friend when they succeed. Right, like OK, yes, but you want to be you know, their friend when they succeed? Like, you conniving climbing little bitch. I do not trust her.

GUTFELD: All right.

TIMPF: I don't want to be her friend. So, she somehow made it worse. That's, that's the worst kind, you need to run from women like the green M&M, the new green M&M.

GUTFELD: Yes, the green M&M is, is disgusting.

TIMPF: Is an opportunistic evil bitch.

WATTERS: Wow.

GUTFELD: You know, Rob, I have to say, this is -- corporations may be the most embarrassing entity in all of woke-dom.

LONG: Right.

GUTFELD: Because they're so obvious about like, trying to create a distraction. Please don't come after us for our diabetic starter kit, which is what candy is.

LONG: Right.

GUTFELD: You know? Here, look at what we did to our little character, but don't look at all the problems sugar causes.

LONG: Yes, don't look at the comorbidity you're creating.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: I was interested though, Kat is projecting a lot into the green M&M. I feel like we should --

TIMPF: No, I'm not.

LONG: We really should come back to that at some point, maybe in the next session.

TIMPF: I'm not projecting, I'm reflecting on my own experience --

LONG: Yes, no, that's -- this is really interesting.

GUTFELD: Kat, Kat, we're out of time.

LONG: Yes, right, because this -- I would just say like this, they M&Ms are kind of the progressive idea of the future of the human being, right. We're all kind of shiny and a different color, and we have no genitalia. That's kind of where they want us to go.

GUTFELD: And if you put them in your mouth the color comes off. I don't know what that means. This is part of this weird thing, Jesse, where we have to make sure on seven billion people on the planet, not a single person can have their feelings hurt. So, they -- everybody's got to do something to make sure everybody's OK.

WATTERS: I'm going to try my hand at comedy again.

GUTFELD: Oh God.

WATTERS: And hope it works this time. I came up with some offensive candies.

GUTFELD: Oh God.

WATTERS: And I think we need to change their branding. Butter finger.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Oh yes.

WATTERS: But his finger.

GUTFELD: Oh, very good.

WATTERS: Right?

GUTFELD: Good. Good.

WATTERS: Hershey's Kisses. Hershey's consensual kisses.

GUTFELD: Nice. Very good.

WATTERS: Jolly Rancher. Jolly sustainable rancher. So, I just stopped there.

GUTFELD: I like it.

KIRN: That's good. That's good.

WATTERS: You know, I'm going to save some for "THE FIVE." Which we already taped

GUTFELD: Yes. And you did a great job, by the way, on "THE FIVE."

WATTERS: Thank you.

LONG: I would say, Butterfinger -- it's but their finger, but that's my only, my only note. Thank you.

GUTFELD: Then you can fit more than one. Last word to you, Walter.

KIRN: So, this is all fake.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: M&Ms were already woke.

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: A bowl of rainbow colored candies is as woke as it gets.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

KIRN: But they wanted to get the P.R. for going woke. So, they had to invent a problem. They had to invent a confession. Oh, we aren't as woke as we can be. And so, this is fake. Number two, where's Skittles? Yes, is Skittles just going to stay racist and you know -- because that will give America a choice.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly, exactly.

KIRN: Yes.

GUTFELD: Good point.

WATTERS: Yes, you got to number three?

KIRN: I had my wife write all my bits because she knew I'd be taking these painkillers. And thanks, girl.

GUTFELD: I think that, I think we got to do a special GUTFELD episode where we are all on painkillers. If we announced it beforehand, then it's not a problem, right?

KIRN: Just research.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Research.

GUTFELD: We could call it the CNN New Year's Eve Special.

KIRN: First, first, we all have to break a finger though so we can get a prescription.

GUTFELD: But their finger.

WATTERS: Yes.

GUTFELD: Up next, tips for Jesse so his debut show isn't messy.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: What advice do we have to share with a man who over gels his hair? Here's some friendly advice for a host you'll watch every day twice. That's right. Jesse Watters is going to be hosting "JESSE WATTERS PRIMETIME," starting Monday and we're looking forward to it like we look forward to scabies, I kid, but it's all part of Dana Perino's plan to gradually ease him off "THE FIVE," on advice of her therapist.

Unsurprisingly, the logo looks like a bunch of natty light cans after Jesse gets done smashing them on his head in a stadium parking lot. But because I'm such a kind generous person I've decided to devote this segment to giving him advice on how not to completely screw it up. If it's already not too late. Anyway, Jesse, I just hope you don't continue this tradition. I was going to say that never gets old, but that gets old. Kat, any tips for Jessie?

TIMPF: Yes, sure. Obviously, this is a huge opportunity, right? Huge. Like you've been waiting for your whole life, which means you would be devastated if you screwed it up. Like you would never forgive yourself. Plus, you have your kids and all that. So just try not to think about that.

WATTERS: Don't think about that? Got it.

KIRN: Yes.

TIMPF: It might mess you up mentally.

WATTERS: Got it. All right.

GUTFELD: Well, Rob, do you think -- how can "JESSE WATTERS PRIMETIME" be every bit as successful as cheers?

LONG: Well, I mean, you're already halfway there. I would say stop doing this show.

WATTERS: This is actually my last GUTFELD film.

GUTFELD: Yes. Don't tell them why, though, because they -- this is live, right?

WATTERS: Yes.

LONG: I would also, like I'll tell you what I told Greg, which is that it's probably not going to work.

WATTERS: Yes.

LONG: But also, I think what you need to remember is that Greg is not your friend. That this is like you're in a different spot. Primetime is only certain amount of slots. He wants all of them.

WATTERS: I know.

LONG: You now have one of them.

WATTERS: I know.

LONG: This is not, this, this is not game anymore. You understand? He's not a nice man. He's also -- this is really important to understand, he's not a well man.

WATTERS: That I know.

LONG: OK.

WATTERS: Yes, that's good advice. Because I'm sensing a little more tension --

LONG: I want everyone to get along, obviously. That's, that's who I am. I wish everybody well. I'm just telling you that he will shiv you in a heartbeat. Right now, he's texting the upstairs saying like, I don't think Jesse's got it.

WATTERS: Yes, thank you.

GUTFELD: Just lay off the sauce before the first show because it's embarrassing right now. That's what I would say to them. Walter, any advice?

KIRN: Go blonde.

WATTERS: Go blonde?

KIRN: Yes.

WATTERS: It worked so well for the blondes here.

KIRN: Yes. That's it.

TIMPF: What do you mean? Was my not, life, not going well?

WATTERS: No, no, no, I was thinking of someone else that was blond, but you're doing great.

TIMPF: Thank you, I know --

GUTFELD: You know, I could tell by your logo that you're trying to confuse -- let's put the logo up. You're trying to confuse viewers with Monday Night Football, right?

WATTERS: Yes, there's definitely some of that in there.

GUTFELD: Shiny. And you're definitely courting people into sports and farting.

WATTERS: Farting?

GUTFELD: I don't know. People like to sit and watch sports and fart.

WATTERS: Yes. Anybody who likes to sit, I want them to watch.

GUTFELD: Exactly, on a scale of zero to 100 percent, what will be the percentage of red meat versus the percentage of seat dancing.

WATTERS: No, no, it's going to be hard news show with no opinion.

GUTFELD: No opinion?

WATTERS: It's just going to be hard news coverage.

GUTFELD: Hmm. My advice to you is to go --

WATTERS: I hope no one took that seriously because there will be a lot of red meat.

GUTFELD: So, I had this --

WATTERS: And by red meat, I'm saying things that I care about.

GUTFELD: Exactly, because you are king of red meat. You know, my advice to you is to go all in on this new phenomenon I keep hearing about called QAnon.

WATTERS: That's a phrase I'm not really supposed to say anymore. So, what's that, Greg?

GUTFELD: Well, QAnon, it's just -- I mean, I don't know. I mean, I don't know what to say about it either. But I think it's a good -- you're A- block, you can't come up with a story just put into the Google machine.

WATTERS: OK. Thank you.

LONG: Told you.

WATTERS: I know. I see --

LONG: That's what this is all about. No, I'm your friend. Hey, let's take a walk, don't do it. Hey, you want some free clothes? Yes, come over here -- don't do it.

GUTFELD: No, I make him sit in the front seat, (INAUDIBLE) in the back seat.

LONG: That's right. That's true. That's true.

GUTFELD: All right. Don't go away. We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: I just want to take a little time to honor Meatloaf who passed away yesterday. He was a really good friend to the show; he's a good friend of "THE FIVE." He was just a really sweet, authentic genuine person. He gave me five of his CDs and his favorite Meatloaf CDs, and sat down and went through each one of them with me to tell me why he loved these CDs. He was just a great person, great friend, he will be missed. Meanwhile, let's go over to our Walter Kirn update. How you feeling right now, Walter? Is it cresting? You took it about an hour ago?

KIRN: You mean the five-milligram oxycodone?

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: I've sat, I've sat on this set many times but I've never noticed that the river in that backdrop is alive.

WATTERS: Yes, it is.

KIRN: In fact, I just saw giant bass jump.

GUTFELD: It is, you're right. That is not the drug. That is the actual river in that scene.

KIRN: Yes.

GUTFELD: Well, that's good.

LONG: Walter, please tell MEATLOAF we miss him.

KIRN: You mean I'm going his ways?

LONG: Well, I think you're almost have your --

GUTFELD: Walter, Walter, whatever you do, do not walk toward the light, OK. You know, that's the trick everybody wants to walk toward the light, don't walk toward the light.

All right, we got to go. Good luck Jesse Watters. Thank you, Rob Long, Walter Kirn, Kat Timpf. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld, I love you America.

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