'Gutfeld!' on Putin's possible Ukraine invasion

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Gutfeld: Is Joe Biden awake?

The 'Gutfeld!' panel weighs in on Joe Biden's first press conference of 2022.

This is a rush transcript of "Gutfeld!" on January 20, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

LAURA INGRAHAM, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: All the proceeds this month go to the Center for American Liberty founded by Harmeet Dhillon doing all the great litigation for those seeking freedom from onerous government restrictions. And Greg Gutfeld and all the fun is next.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: True statements, that is not true. That is a lie. Keep clapping your jerks. Happy Thursday, everyone, we got a great show for you. Plus, an evil special guest. But first, the monologue. You know how bad Joe was yesterday? Even CNN had to break character, which is like one of the guards at Buckingham Palace giving you the finger.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I think it's apt to be honest, that you can be a foggy meandering, a president say like Reagan near the end if you're winning. But if you're foggy and meandering on key questions, and you're also not winning, then you got a real problem.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The first part was probably the most jarring to hear a President of the United States who was not Donald Trump even suggest ahead of time that an election isn't legitimate.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: And even over at MSNBC where they applaud Joe every time he makes a boom boom within 10 feet of the bathroom. There butt head at large was broken.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It was a terrible moment in the press conference when he talked about a minor incursion, there is no minor incursion, who -- and she and our NATO allies are not debating that right now. They see Joe Biden is weak. Yesterday's press conference did not help. If you're Vladimir Putin, you pay attention to the clean up.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Minor incursion, that's my straight edge hardcore band. Of course, there are still holdouts. They're like those Japanese pilots from World War II stuck on some island cut off from reality and like their planes this President is a zero. Yamiche Alcindor had a kiss-ass tweet championing Joe for not lashing out at reporters. I guess he was distracted by Peter Doocy's hair when this happened.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I didn't say this. Look what I said. Go back and read what I said. And tell me if you think I called anyone who voted on the side of the position taken by Bull Connor that they were Bull Connor. And that is an interesting reading in English. You I assume he got into any journals because you'd like to write?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Hmm. That had to be the creepiest thing Joe's done in the last 48 hours. And this is a man who sniffs children's hair the way his son snorts Parmesan cheese. Yamiche also praise Joe for making news, which he did. He lasted 90 minutes. And he didn't lose consciousness once, but he also greenlit a Russian invasion. So maybe making news shouldn't be the priority? Alec Baldwin has been making news too, but it's not good news. But hey, you gave it a shot.

Fact is, the one thing Americans care least about besides the voting bill is what Putin is doing. And yet that's all the media cared about, while ignoring real concerns like rampant crime, which should be easy to cover at CNN. The Sex Crimes Unit stops by there twice a day. But the press is more disconnected from American concerns than Pelosi is from the dollar store. Meanwhile, walking Loony Bin Jen Rubin gave Joe an A-minus which makes sense if the A stands for ambulatory.

I wonder what else you'd given A-minus too. Shingles? The Olive Garden's hotdog Bolognese? A blind date with Andrew Cuomo? I did love how Joe kept asking what his opponents are for.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: The fundamental question is, what's Mitch for? Was he for an immigration? What's he for? What's he proposing? Being better? What's he four? (INAUDIBLE) What are they? I tell my Republican friends, here I come. This is going to be about what are you for? What are you for? What are they for? Maybe one thing they're for?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh my god. That was strange. All the answers are obvious. You hear them every day if you're awake, maybe he's not. Normal people will tell you what they're for. And it's not four more years of weakness, fear and reckless spending. We want the crime wave to end. We want real borders. We want our shelves restock. We want law and order restored. I want to get back to life. We want the opposite of anywhere Democrats are in charge.

Or at least stocked the shelves with pepper spray so we can fight back. So why not focus on the primary concerns and not this (BLEEP) voting bill that you masquerade as a rights bill. People see through that like cellophane over a fruit basket. As for ending the filibuster, I got to say I'm with Obama on this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BARACK OBAMA, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: The American people want less partisanship in this town. But everyone in this chamber knows that if the majority chooses to end the filibuster, if they choose to change the rules and put an end to Democratic debate, then the fighting and the bitterness and the gridlock will only get worse.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That guy make sense. He should run for president. Of course, Joe, the unifier still uses that issue as a divider. And when called out he acts like a four-year-old who just broke his mom's favorite antique lamp. Yes, he actually did link any or opposition to old Democratic racist, but this is a problem with playing the race card. It's memorable, except to the person who keeps using it, especially with Joe's memory.

The only card he remembers says do not resuscitate. In the presser he called Mitt Romney a straight guy forgetting that he once said this about Mitt.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: Romney wants to let that -- he said the first 100 days he's going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, unchained Wall Street. They're going to put you all back in chains.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: A guy putting someone in chains doesn't sound like the behavior of a straight man to me, Joe. Too embarrassing when I have to call 911. I lose the key, Katie. Of course, Joe doesn't expect you to remember that smear if he doesn't and then he questioned the legitimacy of future elections. So who does he think he is? Hillary post 2016 who blamed her drubbing on every Russian since Yakov Smirnoff? Where the hell is he?

Of course the press shares the blame. Again, nothing about crime as people get picked off left and right by Mad Men. On every real issue, whether it's crime COVID or inflation, the Dems flounder because they put all their eggs in the woke basket. Imagine if Joe folks the little on immediate concerns and not what trended on Twitter. He'd be OK. I wonder what Joe thinks.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Oh, that feels good. Hey, just soaking my feet after a marathon yesterday. That's right. I did a marathon. I didn't run one. I didn't walk one. I talked one. Just ask the press. Axios, Time, New York Magazine. They all said it was a marathon just like we told him to. So it didn't matter what I said matters. That I said it over and over for two hours, it's two hours. All right?

And I hardly made any mistakes, and only sacrificed one country to the ruthless jaws of Mother Russia. Just one little, tiny little country. So I'd be smiling right now. Except my knees are killing me.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: And so from the rearview mirror of Joe Biden's decrepit jalopy, the one with its turn signal on the past 50 miles. That other guy, Trump, doesn't look half bad. North Korea, the Peace Accords, the vaccine being right on China well before anyone else. Compare that to Joe with the supply chain, crime, inflation food shortages, the border. In record time, Joe took the U.S. and added the letters S and R. Hmm.

And even Trump, you know, when he called people names he punched up merciless on political leaders, organizations, rich elitist athletes. Joe only punches you, the American public. After all, he's doing a great job. And if you just don't get it, you're probably a racist. Bottom line. When you get to be Joe Biden you stopped sweating the small stuff, like putting your shoes on the right feet.

Problem is he sees everything as small stuff, notably your concerns and your pain. But it turns out, he's the best thing that happened to Republicans since khakis and Chick-fil-A. Republicans don't have to do squat and they're already more popular than they've ever been. I don't know what that says either. Except don't get cocky.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. Thank you, Announcer.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You're welcome.

GUTFELD: That Ks stands for Kathleen and that T stands for Tough. Former deputy national security adviser K.T. McFarland. He see more combat than the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Retired U.S. Marine Corps, bomb technician and Fox News Contributor, Johnny Joey Jones. He's like the Stanley Cup. You're only allowed to touch him if you're a hockey champion. Vice President of Public Relations for ZLabs, Chris Barron.

And finally, she's like a toothpick, skinny, sharp and easily fits into dark disgusting places. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf.

Katie, welcome to the show. Always a pleasure to see you.

K.T. MCFARLAND, FORMER DEPUTY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: Honor and a pleasure here.

GUTFELD: Yes. You're already worried, aren't you? What did you -- what did you make of the press conference and how did you feel about the -- I guess the priority of issues in general?

MCFARLAND: I don't think you talked about what the American people care about. But my concern as somebody who said national security person is he did basically invite Vladimir Putin to move into Ukraine. And it's the ripple effect that that has. So, Putin now has a green light. Maybe enough to send tanks across the border but to do hybrid warfare which will accomplish the same thing. And then Biden trying to clean it up today.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: Let me explain what I really mean.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: I mean, invasion means armed units going across the border. But that's not what Putin was ever going to do.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: Cyber attacks, hybrid warfare, false flag operations. But what this -- the really big problem is that whatever Putin does, you now will see China respond in March. You'll see North Korea decide it's going to get serious about nuclear weapons and Iran in the same. Now, what does that mean to the average person, well, maybe you don't think it means too much, but it means big economic problems, big -- particularly big trade and, and problems coming out of China.

And when you talk about the border, which is one of the things you're concerned with, it's the fat and all that keeps coming directly from China in an effort to kill off young Americans.

GUTFELD: Yes. Like God, I'm not an average person. Jonathan Joey Jones, K.T. brings up the cleanup. Have you been following this? I mean, it's -- it is like a fight between spouses. And Joe is the husband that said, that now has to apologize for everything he said when he came home drunk. We all know this.

MCFARLAND: Well, she can't remember right --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes. It's like, I did not say that. Yes. You did say that. You did say that. I didn't say that. Did you record it? No, I never have to record it. You said it. I think that happened.

(CROSSTALK)

JOHNNY JOEY JONES, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: As three quarters of an above average person.

GUTFELD: Yes.

JONES: I'll sit there and watch that with an open mind. I thought the press did a better job than I expected. They pushed harder. I mean, when you ask the President, hey, is there, you know, how do you feel about the fact most people think you're a little bit too senile to do the job? You know, that was a good question because that's how a lot of people feel. But, you know, I saw your colleague, I love him to death. He's really nice to me, Geraldo, earlier a couple hours ago.

And he bragged that Joe Biden stood for two hours. And I'm thinking there are some people in government like Brian Mast or Tammy Duckworth who get a little bit of a slow clap for standing for two hours. Those of you who don't know they don't have legs.

GUTFELD: Right.

JONES: But that's not the kind of thing that we're going to appreciate about a president in this much hot water. You know, he says, find a president who did more in the first year like, I think Zachary Taylor did more in the first than this guy. And like, you know, and what's funny about is anyone who, you know, might have voted for Trump, so they're like, oh, pick me (INAUDIBLE) I'll tell you all about a president who did more in the first year.

So I don't know where he -- where he felt like his firm footing was to keep on the leg Joe's but it wasn't behind that podium. It was terrible.

GUTFELD: Very good, very good. Fun fact, it's Zac Efron, not named after Zachary Taylor. Not. Not. I know, a lot of people thought I was going to say was, but that's why I'm here. Chris?

JONES: Amazing.

GUTFELD: I know. Chris, what about the fact that he also believes like Trump, that these elections are corrupt?

CHRIS BARRON, VICE PRESIDENT, PUBLIC RELATIONS FOR ZLABS: I mean, there was so much that he said during that thing that I was just imagining Trump being up there and saying something similar, and the meltdowns that would be occurring like in real time, Jim Acosta would have set themselves on fire during that. If Trump would have said in advance of the 2018 midterms, like, yes, they're probably not going to be legitimate knowing that the Republicans were -- literally Acosta would have set himself on fire.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BARRON: That's what's amazing to me is to the point about like, oh, he's talked for two hours or whatever. He did that because he thought that it was actually going to show the people who are questioning his ability.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCFARLAND: Right.

BARRON: He thought that this was going to be something good. What he didn't understand, was it every second it went on, it got worse and worse and worse.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BARRON: It was like --

(CROSSTALK)

JONES: -- the batteries were powering them.

BARRON: Yes. And that's what it looked like it -- like it came out there. And then like, it just started drifting off. And the answer started getting weirder and weirder.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

JONES: That's all it was.

BARRON: Yes. And it just -- I was like, I know what he thinks he's trying to do here. He's trying to show people that like, he's up to doing the job. But in this effort, he is undermining himself so dramatically because I can't imagine anyone who watched that and thought, man, I really feel good about President Biden right now. We're going in the right direction. Except Jen Rubin.

GUTFELD: It is weird, though, you know, Kat, you've had a day to think about this. And I know you spent a lot of it just thinking about this in (INAUDIBLE) but, you know, it's weird. It's like -- what Chris has said is, I don't mind seeing a politician or President even that's incompetent, because I'm assuming that like -- that means maybe less damage will be done. But the problem is he's being overrun by an entire wing.

So when you're watching something that weak, you're going oh, my God, where's this country going?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, absolutely. And the fact that anyone would even praise him or he'd be proud of himself for standing up for two hours like that's not a campaign slogan, right? Vote for me I can stand up for two hours.

(CROSSTALK)

JONES: Well, now, if I ever run for office that might actually be again. So, you know, the point is you got to have an excuse.

TIMPF: But I think that would be selling anybody short (INAUDIBLE) I mean, like you got to like things about you more than that. It's a weird thing to brag about.

GUTFELD: Joey, thank you for your standing.

TIMPF: Yes, thank you. But I remember -- OK. Intervention. Season two. There was this girl Christy. You remember Christy? She was the tweaker?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I said, yes, she's an alcoholic. All she does is just -- she's outside of L.A. She smokes meth. She trashes the house, she lives in a bunch of trash. And during your intervention, you know what she says? Yes. Well, I'm not dead. So what am I doing wrong? And like that -- I was reminded of that when he said yes, well, he was there and he didn't and like he was conscious. It's like, if you are using the same logic as this deeply meth addicted tweaker and I'm thinking then, you know, thing -- that's not good.

GUTFELD: No, it isn't good at all. All right. Well, I think we destroyed that topic. Well, I can't wait for the next topic. We have a surprise guest. Up next. Once again, the truth was distorted by fake news that's taxpayer supported.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Justices; pushback on the MPR hacks. And while the press dragged Shannon Bream through the mud now she'll bath then rivers of their blood. Yes, NPR picked a fight with Shannon Bream. Now the hills are alive with the sound of their screen. They said evil Shannon Bream was lying now in her evil laser beams they're frying. Which means it's time for?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Evil Shannon Bream Strikes Again.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: On Tuesday, NPR, Nina Totenberg reported justice Neil Gorsuch refused to wear a mask next to Sonia Sotomayor who has diabetes despite having been asked to wear one by the Chief Justice. But later that day, Fox's Shannon Bream told a different story. Her SCOTUS source telling her the NPR report was not accurate. On Wednesday, Gorsuch and Sotomayor issued a joint statement disputing NPR's report calling it false.

And in a separate statement, Chief Justice Roberts said he didn't ask anyone to wear a mask. So like my request for an autographed photo of Stuart Varney, Totenberg, O for three. But as to be expected, liberal media picked up the original fake news story and ran with it. But like Brian Stelter jogging, they didn't get very far. The story quickly came apart like a Pamela Anderson marriage.

Still, Brian Stelter and that other bald dude called NPR support incredibly well sourced and dismiss Bream and her one source, which is so typical, and now there as well. They just pretended there was nothing to see. Well, I feel something evil in the air. And yes, it's the host of "FOX NEWS AT NIGHT" Shannon Bream. Shannon, welcome to the show. So you're so --

(CROSSTALK)

SHANNON BREAM, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: I feel like I'm always going to get in trouble. I'm always going to get in trouble with you.

GUTFELD: People don't know that you are evil. And it's just a matter of time. When you first saw the NPR story, what did you make of it? Did you sense that it was too on the nose? Or were you just checking facts because that's what Bream does?

BREAM: Well, they said like all of my news colleagues at Fox, when a story doesn't ring true, or if it does, and it's, you know, a pretty substantial story, we're going to run our own traps, run to our own sources and check it out. And I thought that was important to do on this story, because I've been in the court a lot the last few months and save -- allowed some of us to start coming back in and cover arguments and you see how they interact and you know they're friends.

So, I started calling my sources over there like, okay, straight up, did the Chief Justice tell the other justices, they need to be wearing masks and then there was a refusal, and then Justice Sotomayor found out, she was upset, she ran off and I was told, no point of that story is true. And, you know, I had a couple people I absolutely trust and so I thought I'm not trying to pick a fight with anyone. I'm just saying, this is what our sources say.

GUTFELD: You know, once again, Shannon, you prove you're evil by crushing the hopes and dreams of NPR reporter Nina Totenberg. I hear -- I hear that she took a leave of absence and is in therapy because of you, evil Shannon Bream. What don't you think -- why do you think that the media wants this sort of Supreme Court drama to be true? It does fit a narrative, doesn't it?

BREAM: It does. They want it to be like oh, the liberals and the conservatives hate each other. And they're fighting over everything. They had, you know, pretty heated arguments a couple of weeks ago over the federal mandates. And they clearly saw the mandates, the facts on the ground regarding the virus and Omicron very differently. So I think it looks like a way to run a wedge in between them.

GUTFELD: Right.

BREAM: And so, I think that's probably where it started. But again, like I said, earlier today, we've all been burned by a source who didn't give us the full story or had it a little bit wrong themselves. And I know those things can happen. It's happened to me. And so, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

GUTFELD: I want to ask you the -- because you're a very smart person. Any advice on how to tell off the bat like I always -- my thing is like if a story is too on the nose, everything makes too much sense. I don't buy it. But what's your -- what's your spidey sense when it comes to a story?

BREAM: Well, I feel like there's no comment from the people who are involved in the story or that there wasn't an effort to get a comment from the court. I mean, that's the first place that I went was through the traditional channel to the court then I went to some of my back channels. But if I see that there's no sourcing or denial or anything from somebody was actually a part of the story or mentioned in the story, that is the first thing that kind of rings my bell.

GUTFELD: You know, ring in Shannon's bell. You know what? I feel like I should be somebody that has back channels. But, you know, I don't have -- how do you --

(CROSSTALK)

BREAM: Something tells me you do.

GUTFELD: No. Yes. Totally different definition. How do you get back channels? Is that like do you have -- you just have to be a nice person. So, Shannon, you have -- you have back channels because you're nice, right?

BREAM: Well, listen, anything -- like that beats me is one of the toughest one around because nobody leaves anything and you just got to spend time. You get to try to build relationships with people and be over there and be present and, you know, 15 years into covering the court and I'm very grateful for any scoop that we can get at any time. D.M. me, people.

GUTFELD: All right. Well, you know what? You're up after this wonderful show. We always keep watching the great but evil Shannon Bream. Thanks, Shannon.

BREAM: See you later.

GUTFELD: We got a smattering of applause. Up next, the announcer's plans are up in flames for NBC's coverage of the Olympic game.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, you got to be f******g kidding me. Come on.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: NBC cuts their Olympic announcers loose while COVID enforcers practice child abuse. Yes, it's more Tales of COVID Insanity, where the solutions help destroy our humanity. NBC Sports announced they won't be sending announcers to the Chinese Olympics due to concerns over COVID-19, also spooked by their government's strict quarantine policy. But apparently, they were fine with China's strict quarantine policy with the Uighurs but not with them.

According to one NBC analysts, I think they were a little bit wary that if someone tested positive the Chinese government basically takes you in sequesters you, true that make disappear faster than to pay glue at Jesse Watters' house. Good luck at 7:00, baldy. Meanwhile, Pennsylvania parents are furious over a photo showing a child having his mask taped to his face by a school employee. The North Penn School District confirmed the pic was legit and apologized for the incident. And they promise next time to use superglue.

Here in, here in New York, a group of anti-vaccine mandate protesters went into the Museum of Natural History to protest the vaccine mandate. What a weird place? Five of the protesters were arrested for entering the museum without proof of vaccination. The rest of the group were escorted out by police including a child.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: (INAUDIBLE)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I want to know their names.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You are traumatizing the little child.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Another child with a blurry face. It's spreading, I tell you. For more, let's go to our newest Correspondent Barbara, the skateboarding baby. Barb, what's the latest?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yehey!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I do not see a mask on that brat. So, Kat, you understand -- so basically, we have the police having because they have to be arresting people to going to, going into a museum without a vax passport. But and you can get arrested going to Applebee's without a vax passport. Meanwhile, you can shoot heroin, in your neighborhood, in public or publicly masturbate on the subway or on the street. Don't ask me how I know. So, it's -- it, that we are living in an upside-down crazy place, right?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

TIMPF: You should always just do heroin at home. Good decent person. No, it's -- yes, because look, it's all about what's popular. And it's you know, COVID was this whole thing where if you're not you -- it's so easy, right? If you have a vaccine, you go and you get the vaccine, you post a little selfie of you got your vaccine, and you get to be a better person than everyone else, then, without really having to do anything at all. Like it's not that hard. So -- but people have legitimate reasons for not wanting to get it.

And it's also whether it legitimate or not is not a mine or anyone else's business, especially now that it doesn't stop transmission. Why are we still doing this? I mean, arresting crazy, but like why are we even still talking about it?

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Chris, it's coming to an end when people -- when you start seeing these protests bubbling up. It's -- this is all going to be over by February 1st.I

CHRIS BARRON, HUMAN EVENTS CONTRIBUTOR: I know you've been, I know you've been saying that for a long time. And look, I'm there with you because I'm over it completely.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BARRON: What I think is so amazing is how much of the stuff that they told us was all like wacky conspiracy theories.

GUTFELD: Right.

BARRON: Vaccine mandates. That was a crazy right wing conspiracy theory. Vaccine passports? That wasn't even crazier right-wing conspiracy theory. People getting arrested because like your work showing proof of vaccines, that was never going to happen. Another conspiracy theory as my friend Dr. Vladimir (INAUDIBLE) likes to say, Noah was a conspiracy theorist until it started raining.

TIMPF: Oh, Bible, the Bible.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, I wouldn't use that in a scientific dialogue, but OK, Chris. That was ark --

BARRON: I know it lost you. I know it lost you. I know --

GUTFELD: No, I learned it. I did learn about the ark, but I don't know if I would use that in a scientific debate, Chris, just a piece of advice.

TIMPF: I forgot to do my daily devotion. Just once.

GUTFELD: K.T., the crazy man is right. Kidding. But what about -- why are we having the Olympics in China? Why are we have expressed any accountability -- why, did I say Russia?

BARRON: No, you said China.

K.T. MCFARLAND, FORMER DEPUTY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR: You said China and you were right.

GUTFELD: I'm losing my mind here. And it's, instead, if we're not sending our announcers, why are we sending our athletes?

MCFARLAND: You know, I think that what's going to happen is this is going to bite China right back, because what's happened is that China's doing this because they wanted to show the world. Look, we are better than America. We have arrived. Look at our fancy new city. Look at the whole world. Sort of honoring how great China has become and it's just the opposite is happening.

They're not letting tourists come in. They're not letting their own people come in. The journalists aren't going to come in. So, what's Beijing going to look like? It's going to look like a ghost city.

GUTFELD: Yes, it is.

MCFARLAND: That really makes the point. So, the Chinese started this. They have never come clean about the Wuhan military virology lab and their participation in it. And I think it comes back and it is just desserts just rewards.

GUTFELD: Yes. I just wonder if we should cover it at all or, or actually to your, to your idea of coverage and show how bad it is.

MCFARLAND: Yes.

GUTFELD: Joey, I've noticed that certain, certain events reveal the power hungry among us. You know, something happens bad -- security guard thinks he's a cop. You know, flight attendants suddenly becomes an Air Marshal. Is that what we're seeing in a way? Like, there's a lot of people who just don't want to let go with their little taste of power?

JOHNNY JOEY JONES, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, you know, it's usually the people that were picked on in high school. And for all of them, I'm sorry. But listen, you tape something to my child's face, I'm going to beat your ass.

GUTFELD: Yes.

JONES: I'm sorry. Like, I'm going to duct tape your eyelids open, so you can't flinch when my fist hits your face. That's what I'm going to do.

GUTFELD: Yes.

JONES: That's how I feel about it. Like it's one thing to play the charades with adults, but to bring it into schools the way we have and to torture our kids. I mean, every day I see new video of kids in school other outside, they're freezing to death, because for whatever reason, or they've, you know, you've got a child just literally losing it. I used to work at a place.

That was a camp for kids on the autism spectrum. And the one thing we know about kids in the autism spectrum is a vast majority of them aren't diagnosed. And it's mild and it comes out in different ways. And so, you have so many different things. We're raising awareness for people who, you know, want to be accepted for being morbidly obese, but we don't want to like have some awareness for children who are being traumatized.

GUTFELD: Amen.

JONES: What, what are we turning into here?

GUTFELD: Yes --

JONES: I mean, that's, that's my soapbox for this show.

GUTFELD: Coming up, why does Bano hate his songs we think are great?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Rockstar Bano says his songs make him sicker than mono. Yes, those U2 songs that you love to binge make the zillionaire lead singer cringe, which means it's time for --

ANNOUNCER: "BONO SUCKS"

GUTFELD: Bono, whose real name is Lawrence Kudlow said, who knew? Said he's just so embarrassed by many of his own songs claiming that he cringes and turns red when he hears most of them on the radio. Well, that's how I feel when I see him dance. He made the comments on the awards chatter podcast adding that he hates the band's name too, and yet no apology for his giant 1980s mullet looked like there was a rooster sitting on his head. That mullet was so bad Billy Ray Cyrus offered him a ride to Supercuts.

But all of the embarrassing stories I've heard launching a music career that makes you hundreds of millions of dollars is hardly the most devastating. Plus, isn't he kind of insulting me, as a fan? Is he saying I should be embarrassed for liking some of those songs? If so, good luck. I don't get embarrassed, which you probably already realized if you have been watching this show. But maybe we're being too hard on Bano and U2. Let's listen to one of their biggest all-time hits.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: With or without you. With or without you, baby. Oh yes! Hit it. That's the edge. Go edge! Go edge!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Go edge! Joey, you know, I feel like he betrayed me because I was a fan when no one knew what they were in 1979-1980. I was there at Larry Mullins 18th birthday at the Old (INAUDIBLE), and he's basically saying like we sucked back then. Well, screw you! Right, Joey, screw Bano, and his -- all his friends and everything he stands for.

JONES: You know, I'm so up to date on this music, I was really surprised because I thought this dude like got taken out by treaty on a ski slope a few years ago. And so, I had to read it twice. You know, their music does suck. I'm sorry, Greg. But the, the fact we put them on the shelf with Queen or even the Eagles just blows my mind. Their music is --

GUTFELD: Eagles.

JONES: Listen, we've had an American -- we've had an American version of U2, it was Creed and even Scott Stat knew that the shelf life, right?

GUTFELD: You are (BLEEP) all over one of the greatest dance in history. U2 had a series of albums from like I'd say 1980 to 84 which were amazing. And even with Banos high pitched voice, it was still moving, Chris. It was moving. Ignore everything this guy said.

BARRON: No, he's right. He's right. He's right. And by the way, by the way this -- like this obnoxiousness only like makes me think I'm so glad I was never a fan. though. It happened to me in my own fandom. REM did this. REM did this.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes!

BARRON: They're like we're never going to play shiny happy people again. So, we're so embarrassed by that song. And I'm like, really? Screw you!

GUTFELD: Yes, Michael Scott is embarrassed about the fact that you look like Allen Ginsberg after starving yourself.

BARRON: Right, like, I mean -- come on, but that's the thing. You make it to a certain point, and then they're like too cool for their like --

GUTFELD: They're disowning their previous selves.

BARRON: Yes, absolutely.

GUTFELD: And me -- look, I -- oh, God, that just gets. You know what, it you know, it -- also, Kat, it's easy to say you suck after you've made a trillion dollars. But then you just throw your fans under the bus for supporting you and making you rich.

TIMPF: Yes, you have to be grateful.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: If you like, you know, maybe it's so embarrassing. But now you have hundreds of millions of dollars. Like, I do that though with my embarrassing moments, but like not on that level.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Like, I'm you know, at least I didn't get arrested. You know, like, that photo hasn't made it on the Internet yet. Like, you know, they got to be grateful it could be worse than being super, super rich. I never got paid for any of that stuff.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. You know --

TIMPF: Should have.

GUTFELD: K.T., you follow the band around, and band or years you were, you were you, they knew you, you knew them. Are you feeling like you've been broken? I'm just afraid she's going to come over and slap me --

MCFARLAND: Where are we going with it?

GUTFELD: What do you make of this?

MCFARLAND: I was actually teaching nuclear weapons at MIT when they were a big deal.

JONES: That's funny. That's just funny.

MCFARLAND: Ah, no, the thing that I just cannot believe, you know, is it the far left? What are they doing? They virtue signal everybody about everything. He has run out. There's nobody else to virtue signal. So, he has to virtue signal himself.

GUTFELD: Oh, that's a very interesting point. That's a very -- no, I don't think he's far left because I hear -- like, I will. Like he was very, he's very pro capitalist as far as, if I can remember correctly. But you're right, it's like when you run out of people to slam you end up having to slam yourself, but I don't think -- you know what it is? It's the, it's, it's the over, over the top self-deprecation. That is like a subtle humble brag.

MCFARLAND: Right.

GUTFELD: Right? It's like I'm so awesome that I can endure my own slings and arrows.

MCFARLAND: Right.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: I do that.

JONES: I suck when I make fun of myself.

TIMPF: I do that.

GUTFELD: You know what, so apologize to Bano.

JONES: No.

GUTFELD: All right.

JONES: I don't, I don't hate him. I don't know him.

MCFARLAND: It's a passive aggressive thing. He expects you to say. Oh, no, no, no --

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

TIMPF: I also genuinely do hate myself too, to be clear.

GUTFELD: Oh, geez, stop hating -- you know, stop the hate, Kat. All right, up next, toilets for a barbershop quartet, and a lunch that's as bad as it gets.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: If you're eating, I don't want to spoil it. But here comes tales from the toilet.

ANNOUNCER: "WELCOME TO POO CORNER."

GUTFELD: It's the segment that thinks it's cool to talk about dropping the kids off at the pool. Yes, when it comes to the news, we're number one when it comes to number twos. Well, if you've ever hoped to hold hands with other people while pooping your dream home is in Milwaukee. It's also weird, your dream home is in Milwaukee. The house built in 1851 by the aptly named Fowel family features a bathroom with four toilets next to each other without partitions. But it's like Michael Moore always said, it's good to have three backup toilets.

Meanwhile, whoever wrote that, I love you. A couple in Italy, settled a 19- year legal battle regarding their neighbors flushing the toilet at night that was waking them up. The court decided the flushing decrease their quality of life and ordered the water tank removed. They ruled it was a human rights violation. The court also had neighbors switch to low fiber naki, noki? I ruined that one.

Finally, the story isn't about poo, just food that looks like it. Chris Vangelo, a New York dad shared pictures of his son school lunch, which appears to include food that looks like something that would come out of your terrier. The superintendent says it's all about our limitations. But it's the limitation that the food must look like crap because that does.

And that ends our very first and maybe our last.

ANNOUNCER: "WELCOME TO CORNER."

GUTFELD: Kat, I predict our Fox executives will light up my phone tomorrow with compliments about this amazing segment. What do you say?

TIMPF: Sure, you're right.

GUTFELD: Which topic do you care to address?

TIMPF: I'm -- like, I, when I saw the four toilets, I thought they'd be a little further apart.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like, you're actually, like touching knees with people in that situation. And it was a family, they had a family yes, and the fact that it's not just something you can think, like oh I want to be funny. There's like an installation process.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: They had like month or whatever. I don't know, because I don't own a home. I'm only 33, whatever. I have no idea how that works. But it takes a while I assume to do installing of things in a property you own. Again, I have no idea what that would be like. And nowhere along that road with like maybe we don't need four toilets -- why? I have so many questions.

GUTFELD: Yes, four toilets. I call them the fab feces. You know, Joey, I've said many, many times indoor plumbing was the worst invention ever. Shouldn't, we shouldn't be doing that where we eat and sleep, shouldn't we have plumbing in our houses that are external but comfortable, right?

JONES: No, I mean, I'd be happy if my toilet was like right next to the bed.

GUTFELD: Oh, that's terrible. Terrible.

JONES: This is what I'll tell you, when I saw that picture, if you go to Parris Island.

GUTFELD: Yes.

JONES: Where men become Marines, when women become Marines. That's exactly what you'll see. You'll see us a whole row of toilets, no dividers, nothing. The most dramatic time in my life had to sit on the toilet next to somebody I didn't know we'd talk it out. You know, like, can you believe he yelled at me today?

GUTFELD: I love, I love -- you're missing your legs and you said that was the most traumatic. But somehow, I understand it. That's why I don't want to go to prison. The prison --

JONES: The only reason?

GUTFELD: That is the only reason, well that and that there's no toilet seat. And you also have to clean your clothes in that thing, K.T.

JONES: It's all about perspective and humility too. I've pooped in things and places and containers that weren't designed to even have poop in them, you know.

GUTFELD: Well, thank you for your pooping.

MCFARLAND: That's really too much information.

JONES: Any, any porcelain toilet?

GUTFELD: Yes.

JONES: That's a good call.

GUTFELD: Well, you know, K.T., I think this segment is for our advertisers. They keep saying, we need more quality content around poop. This is my way of landing high end stuff like Bulova watches and Mercedes. You think I'm, you think I'm heading in the right direction?

MCFARLAND: I saw that picture the first thing I thought of.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: Oh, I know what that's for. It's for quintuplets who were trying to get a toilet trained? Perfect.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's quint -- that's for right.

TIMPF: Is there a demand for that?

MCFARLAND: Quadruple -- quad, whatever, the four.

GUTFELD: By the way, K.T. tells us in the break that Bano once called her about get doing getting involved in --

MCFARLAND: Aide Africa. Aide Africa --

GUTFELD: And you blew him off.

MCFARLAND: I was a little suspicious.

GUTFELD: Oh, you didn't believe in it. Hello, K.T. Hello, K.T.

MCFARLAND: Oh yes, yes, exactly.

GUTFELD: I love what you're doing with the, with Aide to Africa.

JONES: Was it, wasn't there a South Park episode where a male and poop was Bano. I'm pretty sure that's the thing.

GUTFELD: I don't know.

JONES: I just brought this full circle.

GUTFELD: I got to get Barron in on this. What do you make, pick one?

BARRON: Well, you know who's going to love this segment?

GUTFELD: Who?

BARRON: Stelter at CNN. You know when they do the meanwhile at Fox News what they're covering. CNN to the cry on. It's going to be about Southern - - meanwhile, with Fox News, they're covering for toilets.

GUTFELD: And then we'll just send them the quarter ratings from that topic, and it's still more than his total, total of Don Lemon's. This is full of poop. All right, don't go away. We'll be right back. Great segment.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to the great K.T. McFarland, the wonderful Joey Jones, the lovely Chris Barron, the evil Kat Timpf. And evil Shannon Bream is coming up next. I'm Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.

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