'Gutfeld' on the world of 'but-heads'

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This is a rush transcript of "The Greg Gutfeld Show" on December 14, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Happy Tuesday everyone, and it's time for my favorite show.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's time for the But-heads.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: See, they're all butts. Our world is run by but-heads. These are people who tell you one thing and then follow up with a but, that contradicts what they just said. They'll start with a panic line, but then condition it with but we still don't know. That way they get to scare your ass but then cover their own. So let's follow the butts and see where these asses take us. According to Axios, the Web site, not by Pilate's instructor. The country's bracing for a terrifying wave of Omicron.

But the new variant seems to be much less severe. But Boris Johnson says there's a tidal wave coming. But one of his experts adds only 10 people have been admitted to the hospital with it. But we should have known never believe anything a person says who doesn't own a comb. That was him. Lively crowd tonight. Still, you must get a third dose to bring the level of protection back up because the variant seems to spread among people who've received two jabs.

But it's not a big deal for those who get it. Still you got to mask up and get another dose. But this is nothing like the previous strains Compared to Delta you barely notice it. And it's much less powerful. If Alec Baldwin were the first strain, this one is Billy or Danny. Perhaps, Steven. But new data from Europe hint that Omicron is poised to explode in the U.S. True, they said the same thing about the metric system.

Thank you, thank you, but the variant is less likely to lead to hospitalizations in adults. So this is the P.G. version of an R-rated film. Like when they cut out all the swearing in boobs from Old Yeller. Fact is more people are hospitalized for putting power tools in their butts. According to emergency rooms located near Home Depots. I did the research. But two doses of Pfizer's vaccine appear to be much less effective against severe disease.

But you should still get this booster. Although we haven't seen anyone with severe disease, but hold on, it's coming. Yes, but so was the medical device I ordered online. And I'm still waiting, I had to make my own using an attachment from an old vacuum. But a senior flack told Axios that Omicron will come fast, but it won't be as severe, but there will be hospitalizations. But the analysis of South Africa data said that the risk of hospital admission was 30 percent lower than the first wave.

But a new two-dose regimen was 70 percent effective against severe disease requiring hospital admission. But only 33 percent effective against Omicron. So Omicron is less severe, that's good. But it still could overwhelm the healthcare system, even if a small percentage require hospital care. (BLEEP) the case could reach a million a day here in America. Double (BLEEP) but those cases could be asymptomatic and mild.

Hurray. But the growth of the cases could double quickly, creating more problems. But it also appears to be already slowing down in other countries. But it's too soon to sell but don't tell but don't panic, but also maybe you should panic. But maybe even in hospitalizations, adults are less thick, sick than previous waves, and thick. But while vaccinations do help infection, but not on transmission.

In Denmark, 75 percent of Omicron cases are among fully vaccinated people. But you can't compare countries except when you do but you can't. So Omicron has high transmissibility. But it appears to be mild. But it could lead to a huge projection of cases. But we don't nearly - we don't have nearly enough data to make any firm predictions. So the people who are telling you to do something are the same people who are talking you out of it.

These people are sending more mixed messages than a straight hairdresser. You know, so maybe call us when you know what (BLEEP) you're talking about. Because to quote Axios again, there is certainly a strong possibility that a lot of Americans are about to get sick soon. Someone actually wrote that sentence. I mean, imagine if your doctor had that mentality.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Mr. Bern, you appear to be in excellent health. But these things could go either way. We'll see you in six months.

JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: That's relief. Wait, what do you mean by things could go either way?

DEVITO: Oh, it's probably nothing but hey, I'm no fortune teller.

MACHI: What's probably nothing? What are you saying? What are you saying?

DEVITO: I'm saying you look fine now, but don't buy any green bananas because life's a crapshoot. You never know what's going to happen. I mean, one minute you're on top of the world, then you find out your wife's banging a podiatrist. You win five bucks in the lotto, then you get creamed by a garbage truck when you're crossing the street. I don't know. I'm just a man. I'm just a man just like you. I'm just a man who has to make boat payments. I don't even know (INAUDIBLE)

MACHI: It's OK. All right, take it easy. Take it easy. I'll see you in six months.

DEVITO: Sounds good. Oh. If I were you, I'd make that two months.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So, what's the bottom line for all the but-heads? Well, Omicron is like that carton of Chinese food in the back of the fridge. Could be dangerous, but we can't find anyone who died from it. But we don't have enough data. So just in case get a booster and mask up now whether you're vaxxeds or not. But wait, I thought that's why we got vaxxed to stop with the masks. Well, not anymore.

Look at Joe Biden. He's got three shots, but he still wears a mask. He's like one giant walking butt. So even if you're alone at your desk, or alone driving a truck or alone having sex, Jesse, mask up. But not if you're a politician, then you could go to bars and parties and gallos and do whatever the hell you want. So these butt-heads cover their asses by temporarily covering their mouths when a camera is near.

The problem is how can they tell the two holes apart? You can't go by the smell of their breath. So it turns out the only thing that all these different viruses can't penetrate are the immune systems of habitual liars. But it would be nice if they could. No ifs, ands, or buts.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He's always entertaining when he's constantly complaining. Up In the Air Author Walter Kirn. He's never said you heard it here first. "THE FIVE" cohost and Watters' World host, Jesse Watters. She's like an office Christmas Party. Cheery, loud but leaves a mess in your garbage can. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. And when he was a kid, Santa had to sit on his lap. My massive sidekick and the NWA World Television Champion Tyrus.

Jessie, welcome to the show.

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Thanks for having me.

GUTFELD: You look incredibly comfortable right now.

WATTERS: I am comfortable.

GUTFELD: You look frightened. You must -- you have the most honest, negative opinion about wearing masks that I ever heard. It makes you less recognizable which starves your ego.

WATTERS: Yes. The ice should be able to tell how I ranked in the hierarchy of good looking people. And now I can't tell where I stand anymore.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: But I was having some elective surgery this morning. I just like wearing the gown.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: And the doctor and I said, you know, what is going on here? You're a medical professional. Can't you speak up about all of this craziness? And he said, Mr. Watters, and I love when he calls me, Mr. Waters. So, Mr. Waters, it's all about money. I said, what do you mean? He goes, we already have socialized medicine. He said there's no private practices anymore. All the big hospitals bought all the private practices up.

And the big hospitals are run by the government. And so these big hospitals are basically sucking at the teeth. It's a medical term of big government. And they're run by these Ivy League doctors who want to cozy up to the Washington politicians because they just want to get appointed to agencies and to nice posts. So they do whatever big government tells them to do. So big government says masks mandate, vaccine, they say yes, sir because it's good for business.

So I said, Doctor, I don't want to get into HIPAA or anything like that. But I said, Doctor, what do I do? He said, You're going to have to get a booster for the next couple years, but all the mandates are bogus. All right? So I said, OK, and then I was leaving the room. He said, Jesse, I have one question for you. I said, what is it? He goes, who does Gutfeld's lips? I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him. I didn't tell. You have a good lip guy.

GUTFELD: I do have a good lip guy. Which lips? Anyway.

WATTERS: (INAUDIBLE) butt again.

GUTFELD: Wait. I don't know, I don't know. You got confused. Could you give me the opiates?

WATTERS: Yes, yes. I have them right here.

GUTFELD: Excellent. Because that's -- I let you tell the whole story just for the opiates/

WATTERS: Good, good.

GUTFELD: Walter, you flew here from Montana. What -- how was it? How was it? Another ordeal?

WALTER KIRN, AUTHOR, UP IN THE AIR: Well, it's always an ordeal coming to New York because every six weeks I have to, you know come and be on this show. You make me.

GUTFELD: Yes. It's true.

KIRN: And I never know beforehand what the rules are going to be when I land at LaGuardia.

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: You know, what masks, vaccines, what combination. And so it's like the opposite of an escape room getting to New York. Can I get in?

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: I have to read all the clues, solve all the puzzles and find out if I'll be allowed to sleep in my hotel room and eat a hamburger.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: As it happened last night at midnight, and I got in at 11:50, New York changed its rules.

GUTFELD: It did.

KIRN: It changed its rules. All masks all the time indoors.

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: So as I get in the cab, I'm legal.

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: As I get out of the cab I'm like Zorro.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: You know, you know, I'm an enemy of society. And I got into the hotel, they looked at me funny. They gave me a terrible room. And now I'm here. There you go.

GUTFELD: It is. That's like -- exactly. And why would you try to escape into New York at this point?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: No, but that's the -- the right. Nobody's escaping into New York. And if anybody wanted this stuff, like all the masks, wouldn't people be fleeing to move here?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like everybody's going to Florida. Everyone's going to Texas. If they were -- everyone was really so scared that they were going to die. They would move here. Because you would move if you were scared. You're going to die.

GUTFELD: Yes, you -- do -- are you sad? Did you still have to wear masks?

TIMPF: Yes. Because I don't like to. I'm so -- I'm -- because I am good looking also. And I don't know how much longer that's going to last.

GUTFELD: That's true.

KIRN: Remember that joke butterface? You know, she's beautiful butterface.

TIMPF: So, I have a nice face.

KIRN: Right.

(CROSSTALK)

KIRN: Well, no -- that -- now on Tinder, you know, you can go and see somebody without, you know, without their mask.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: And then you go and see them --

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: So it's really all about ugly people.

KIRN: Yes. No, you go and see them with their mask and everything that you want it in them as blocked. Yes.

GUTFELD: That's interesting. Tyrus, have you experienced this?

KIRN: No, it's not.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I want to get back to you getting your lips done.

GUTFELD: I did not get my lips. And via the tiniest lips on the planet you can't even see my lips.

TYRUS: But before they were worse. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Watters -- hold on. I need your help. Hold on. Watters went on for a good 2-1/2 minutes about his doctor.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: And his doctor asked him as he left, who does Greg's lips? Which tells me he just finished your lips.

KIRN: He does other things besides lips.

GUTFELD: Ah, little Botox, eh? Little smooth (INAUDIBLE)

KIRN: Wow.

WATTERS: No, no. I had something removed. And then I had some --

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Was it a mole or was it an ingrown in your hair or --

WATTERS: Let's just say it's much, you know, I'm not going to say it.

TYRUS: You don't have to. This is a safe place.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I get stuff removed all the time. But it's usually at the emergency room. Right, Tyrus?

TYRUS: How would I know? I've never answered when you called. He's old enough to get it in there. He's old enough to get it out and I'm done.

GUTFELD: I just know, I just -- as I get older, I tend to fall on a lot of things. All right. Sure you shut up and move on.

TYRUS: I don't know where to go other than to say that I call this. I told you.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Run back the tape. I said. Terms are coming. They got to do something and so they got to distract us with all that and just made a great point. That's why they can change these rules left and right to not pay attention that the crime and everything so bad is because they're trying to fight to save us from ourselves.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: And at the same time, all this is going on, didn't no one notice Hillary Clinton was crying on T.V.?

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: Her exception. She showed emotion for the first time in 700 years.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: So that means she's running.

GUTFELD: Oh.

TYRUS: She's back.

WATTERS: Crooked?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: She was a rock now (INAUDIBLE) bet she divorces him, cure his COVID and she runs.

GUTFELD: Oh, there you go. That'll be exciting. A rematch.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Trump and her would be amazing.

TIMPF: The single lady comeback tour.

GUTFELD: Exactly. All right. We got to move on. That could be another topic. All right. Up next, a network of liberal demigods might add to sex offender logs.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: First a Jeff then a Chris and now a John. The list of CNN perverts goes on and on. Yes, one of their producers wins the sex pest crown as CNN soon won't be allowed within yards of a playground. It's like Dr. Seuss for pervs. Which means time once again for?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Gutfeld pervert alert. I repeat. Gutfeld pervert alert. Take cover immediately.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: CNN producer has been fired following a federal indictment accusing him of sex crimes. Now just a heads up this crap -- this guy is accused of is pretty disturbing. Even Chris Hansen would say yes, I'm going to sit this one out. Friday, John Griffin was arrested Friday. That's two Fridays. By the FBI for attempting to lure minors and not the cold kind, to his Vermont ski house to engage in sexual activity.

According to court documents last year, Griffin had a number of online conversations with a purported parents of young girls who ranged in age from nine to 16. In one instance, Griffin allegedly transferred over three grand to the mother of one child so they could fly from Nevada to Boston where he picked him up and drove them to his house, where according to the indictment, that daughter was directed to engage in illegal sexual activity.

Now, the court papers reveal a bunch of other disgusting stuff that Griffin said during conversations with the parents and I'm not going to repeat it here. So when you're done smacking him upside the head, you got to save some slabs for those disgusting parents. As for CNN, they released this statement, "The charges against Mr. Griffin are deeply disturbing. We learned of his arrest Friday afternoon and terminated his employment Monday."

So, the irony here is that CNN was the network pushing the idea that there was no crime wave. Remember that? And now we know why. Because it was the criminals who were producing their content. Yes, sick burn, Kat.

TIMPF: Oh, you want to me first on this?

GUTFELD: Yes. Me first.

TIMPF: There's always this --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Hashtag.

WATTERS: It was Me Too, Greg.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: (INAUDIBLE) I don't think it was me first.

WATTERS: That's what got him in trouble.

GUTFELD: You know, how -- when did CNN know and how long did they know it, Kat?

TIMPF: Look, I'm going to give them credit and say they did not know that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: They probably did not know that this man was not just a pedophile, but a sex trafficking pedophile man.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like -- I don't know what -- like, I don't know why we're doing this topic. There's only one take on this and that it's bad.

GUTFELD: Oh, now you're questioning my choice of topics?

TYRUS: No, she wasn't, Greg.

GUTFELD: OK.

TYRUS: Just your lips.

GUTFELD: Would you like --

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: Am I missing something?

GUTFELD: Would you like to get up earlier than you normally do and pick the topics?

TYRUS: Literally gets up at 1:00 a.m.

TIMPF: Is anyone else excited to talk about the pedophile?

GUTFELD: Oh, I know Walter is.

TYRUS: I can't wait.

GUTFELD: Walter, you were -- you said to me, we need to do this topic right now.

KIRN: Yes. Yes, you're right. You're right. Can we put it first?

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Here's the deal. You know what the shortest T.V. show in history would be?

GUTFELD: What?

KIRN: CNN. To Catch A Predator. The lights would go on, and they would just arrest the host. Why did it take them three days to fire him by the way? He was caught on Friday. They fired him on Monday. But CNN is there over the weekend.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

KIRN: That was two Fridays. Remember?

GUTFELD: Yes. Two Fridays?

KIRN: Two Fridays.

GUTFELD: Yes. They -- maybe they were just judging it by the work week, not an actual week.

KIRN: On Saturday they were like this will blow over.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Sunday, they were like she was nine.

GUTFELD: Yes. I think we better do something.

WATTERS: You want me to follow pedophile jokes, Gutfeld?

GUTFELD: You can do it. Let's pull back generally. The media has more perverts than other occupations. That's my conclusion to all this. There's just weirdos everywhere.

WATTERS: You're in the media, Greg.

GUTFELD: I know.

WATTERS: You made a great point. I don't know, man. That was crossing state lines. That's really probably the most egregious thing. Listen, I get this topic. I say how do I weigh being funny on Gutfeld with saving my career? And I feel like I should do what Bret Baier would do in this situation. I would say Jeff Zucker destroyed this company.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: He elected Donald Trump. They destroyed their brand, Russia hoax, buried the laptop. And now Cuomo goes down in a ball of flames. And now they're producer is a sex trafficking pedophile.

TYRUS: You know, somebody had to know.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's my point.

TYRUS: Every time you're at the Waterco, how was your weekend? Oh, the kids are driving me crazy. I didn't know you had kids. I don't. You don't say like you just don't -- hey, I'm a parent. I would want it -- I would ask questions.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

TYRUS: I mean just look at him.

GUTFELD: Yes. He was a -- he was a -- not only --

WATTERS: Just look at him.

GUTFELD: This is -- but this is why --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: That's the kind of detective work I like.

GUTFELD: Just look at him.

WATTERS: You just look at him.

TYRUS: I mean, the one person you have, he's burning, oh, he's you looking --

TIMPF: I'm uncomfortable.

TYRUS: He's supposed to be at work in a good mood like just --

GUTFELD: But - you know, the thing is, this is why -- this is my theory, is why CNN always focuses on Fox News because they're trying to distract from (BLEEP) what's going on in their -- in their home. So they're like focusing on the neighbor across the street because they're in trouble. So you have John Avlon crapping all over Fox, over January 6, but this was his producer. So, like this was happening -- and when you have a producer this deviant he's got to be affecting your coverage somehow.

TYRUS: But he's not alone. Guys like this are never alone.

GUTFELD: Oh, yes.

TYRUS: They work together. They're friends.

GUTFELD: Also the parents.

TIMPF: The parents.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: They're never alone.

TIMPF: How do you feel confident texting somebody that about their child?

GUTFELD: I don't know.

KIRN: There was a movie a few years ago about the scandals at Fox News called Bombshell.

GUTFELD: That's right.

KIRN: They can't even make a movie about the scandal.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: Yes. It's true.

GUTFELD: Thank you so much All right. We got to move on. Up next, instead of focusing on grades Columbia plays anti-cops charades.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: While murderers raise the body count Columbia U still wants the cops out. Yes, they want campus police decrease even after students end up deceased. The student teachers union at Columbia University remains committed to severing all ties with the NYPD while they seem to be cool with knife-wielding criminals. This is a sentiment also shared by many undergraduates who continue to push for the removal of cops from their campus.

Yes, they want the campus free of cops the same way their brains are free of thought. And this despite the fact that two students in the last two years have been murdered near school property. The most recent happening earlier this month when a 30-year-old grad student from Italy was randomly stabbed to death in the stomach while walking home from soccer practice.

Police arrested the alleged perp, a young gang member with a lengthy rap sheet. We've heard that before. During the George Floyd protest, Columbia Student Workers Union called for the university to "immediately cut ties" with the NYPD and the New York City Police Foundation, and divest from any funding for police. Banned police from all Columbia campuses and redirect funds towards supporting black and indigenous people.

Of course, black and indigenous people suffer more when cops aren't around. To their credit, the NYPD says they beefed up their presence, although using the word beefed probably triggers the vegan students. But despite the recent murder, these students would still rather protect criminals than themselves, proving once more that paying $58,000 a year in tuition usually means you're stupid.

ANNOUNCER: "PERIOD!"

GUTFELD: Walter, why don't we -- why don't we give them what they want? Why don't we just say, OK, police free, just like they did in "The Wire," you know, where they made that one part of the town -- just, it's like a sanctuary city for criminals, why not do it?

WALTER KIRN, LITERARY CRITIC: Colombia? The Purge?

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Well, first of all, I went to Princeton University. That's a true fact, and we looked down on Columbia. I was never sure why we look down on Columbia, but now I feel good about.

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: I went to Trinity and I looked down on Columbia. Yes.

KIRN: The cops hate them, too. That's the thing.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: You know, the cops aren't there because they love protecting these people who dislike them, they're --

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: They're there out of duty, and this is what they get. I actually have a young friend from Idaho, who's at Columbia University. And when I saw this story about the murders, I was afraid for him.

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: And there are people from all over the world, expecting Colombia to protect them. They're not all American liberals there, there. They're people from, you know, little towns and other countries and so on. And to, and to expose them to this American woke madness is so inhospitable. I mean, it's just, it's wrong.

GUTFELD: That is true. Because when people come here because they feel safe, and because of just the values that America has, and then you go to a campus where they actually hate the values. They get there and they go like, didn't I escape Guatemala --

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Right.

GUTFELD: For the -- for, now, I got to deal with, like, the lawlessness of Brazil or something like that, and then come to Colombia.

TYRUS: Well, that's the point. And that's what, to piggyback off what Mr. Kirn said, it's a first world problem. Most woke people live in the first world.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Like their hardest thing in the morning is if they're out of their almond milk.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You know, and then all they have to do is get on their phone and order it and it will come to their door about 15 minutes, but during that 15 minutes, they're going to get on Instagram and write some scathing e- mails and try to shut down almond milk.

GUTFELD: I've done that.

TYRUS: For not having enough substance in the cartons. There should be more, it should be bigger. So, that's the world they live in. Unfortunately, it's a small group.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: I'm sure this group that want to get rid of the cops wasn't 5000- strong. It was six or seven. And they're the ones who don't go to class, and those same ones that you interview on "WATTERS WORLD," and you ask them a math question, and they answered with alphabet soup. So, we really -- but we give them this, we're talking about it. But that's not the real pulse of this country.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You know, and the reason why the police are there, because I guarantee you, as soon as the cops aren't there for one of these special first world-ers, they're going to be so upset and screaming, why me? Where were -- you're supposed to protect me? Where were you? You know, and then they have to go to psychiatrist and everything else because they were abandoned by the police. And somebody will say, well, aren't you the guy who say you didn't want them there. Well, that was different.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: So, you know, let them talk, but just hit mute.

GUTFELD: Jesse, I would like a cop free week in these places. And then, and then promote it, say like, there's going to be no cops here for the whole week, everybody.

WATTERS: I don't think that would go well, Greg.

GUTFELD: No, I don't think so either.

WATTERS: I don't think it would go well. And when I was in college, the phrase body count.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Had a different meaning.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. You're talking about the band.

WATTERS: Mine was zero.

GUTFELD: You're talking about the band.

WATTERS: Mine was zero. Freshman year, especially --

GUTFELD: I have no idea.

WATTERS: I would have been negative zero. We should apologize to the Italians. I mean, imagine if an American college student had gone to Italy to go to college, and had just gotten killed like that. This would have been on Fox 24/7.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

WATTERS: And we would have been demanding to do something about those Italians.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: And we would want justice. But this happens in the United States in America, an Ivy League institution, an exchange student (INAUDIBLE) gets slaughtered and no one says anything.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: And we don't apologize. The Italians don't say anything. I mean hit the Italian said anything?

GUTFELD: I don't know. I don't really watch the news.

WATTERS: I'm sorry to the Italians.

GUTFELD: No, but it's true. It's, it's another story that just went away much like the you know the --

WATTERS: The Waukesha massacre.

GUTFELD: Yes, the SUV that caused that, that death, yes.

WATTERS: Yes.

GUTFELD: Very true. All right, Kat, care to comment on this story.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Yes, not, not to reach out to the Italians.

WATTERS: It's called diplomacy.

TIMPF: Yes.

WATTERS: Maybe Kamala could do it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes, yes.

GUTFELD: Find the root cause.

TIMPF: Yes, I mean, I guess he's they're just more scared of being called racist than they are of being stabbed. And like I get it, you don't always want cops around, you know. I don't want cops outside my apartment all day long. But if people kept getting stabbed and shot there, I might be like, you know what, there can be cops. And I think most people feel that way, I think a lot more people agree with that, but they're just afraid to say so.

GUTFELD: Yes. But it's true. It's like the -- it's the administration that just wants to appear woke. And there's, they're willingly, they're willing to sacrifice students' safety to reach that end. And speaking of end, coming up, they relieved her of her duties for not sharing her gratuities.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: She got a pink slip for not sharing her tip, a waitress at the Oven and Tap Restaurant, not to be confused with loving and slap, which is my S and M parlor downtown. She says, she was fired for neglecting to share a $4,400 tip with the other servers, which would have left her with only 20 percent of the money. 20 percent, that's the same percentage Geraldo gets from his paycheck after his ex-wives get their cut.

Anyway, why not? The tippers in this Arkansas restaurant reportedly found out what the restaurant was trying to do and demanded that all of the cash go to the -- only the two servers who took care of them. But then, the next day the restaurant killed her employment status. The waitress which some call a server, but in New York, we call them actresses, was distraught. The good news, one of the tippers then started a GoFundMe page for her, which has raised more than $10,000, which is enough to now buy CNN. Walter, you have a thing for this story, it means a lot to you.

KIRN: Yes, I do. This story is an allegory of the rise of Soviet Communism.

GUTFELD: Interesting.

KIRN: First, you're working a job and you work really hard and you make a lot of money. Then, a Marxist tyrant comes along and tells you, you must share the money with everybody else. Then, you lose your job. After -- I mean, this is a complete arc from, you know, an exceptional -- usually you see these stories: a waitress got a $4,000 tip, you know.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: What did she do? Oh, it's wonderful. She'll be able to pay off her car.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: But this just goes down, down, down. And now, everybody's unhappy. Nobody wants to go to that restaurant anymore.

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: It's fired its star waitress. It's communist-run. The food isn't probably any good either.

WATTERS: That CNN producer also -- something I heard.

GUTFELD: You know, Jesse, you rarely tip.

WATTERS: No, I've gotten better.

GUTFELD: Oh, have you?

WATTERS: I have gotten better.

GUTFELD: That's good. Who started you on here? Are you going to take the waitress' aside, who's the working woman? Are you going to take the business, which is the big evil communist front?

WATTERS: Well, I'll take an artificial stand. I see where the business owners coming from. I think what they're saying is, we all want the whole staff to do well. And it's not fair if you guys do that well, and the rest of the staff who works just as hard isn't going to get a cut of the tip.

GUTFELD: But they weren't, but they weren't bussing that table.

WATTERS: And he did it for the good of the whole staff.

GUTFELD: I sound like --

WATTERS: I don't like this artificial stance.

KIRN: But Jesse I actually read this story. And, and it wasn't, it wasn't the Daddy Warbucks came in and dropped a $4,000 tip. She served like 40 people --

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Who all put $100 in. And so, she worked her butt off for that tip. The other people are like in the back smoking cigarettes, and they're like, here, you got a big tip, you know?

GUTFELD: Yes. Thought you said something else there. Tyrus, were -- so we got, what's tied up one to one over here?

WATTERS: Is it really tied?

GUTFELD: It's tied up. Your -- you're pro big business communist. Walter's for the, for the working woman with like, you know, trying to make her way through the world. Tyrus, can you break this tie?

TYRUS: The owner is a jerk, man. He should -- but the story, if you read it, Watters, it was her and another server.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: That worked with 40 people and they split the tip 50/50. And then, the Marxist comes in and takes it away from them. And then they fire her not because she stood up to them and said no, it's my tip. And then, the, the customer who's always right, according to the sign in the wall in the restaurant said give us our tip back, it's for them, and she was fired for that.

So, it really proves your communist thing, but what's scary is this story five years ago would have been outrageous. People -- this would have been everywhere talking about it, but because our new administration and the new woke way supports what the store did, because that's what they want. You got all the money you got to share it now. That's Bernie Sanders move.

That's, that's the new administration. That's the woke that's the progressive way. So, it's not -- it's a 50/50 story when it never was. It should have been 100 percent. How dare you? That guy should have like an evil mustache and like, went Moo-haha as he took her money away. But now they're like, well, he was doing what's best for everybody in this. That's not what Capitalism in America is about. It's about individual achievement.

GUTFELD: Kat, is there more to this story?

TIMPF: Yes, like every time and then there's this new GoFundMe for her and every time I hear about anything, you know, beautiful and heartwarming happening I'm like that's probably not real. So, I'm not sure but also I'm conflicted as OK -- I'm a former waitress, who is also a bad waitress. And if you think it's difficult to make a living as a waitress, it's even harder to make a living as a bad waitress. But you know, I was also bad so I didn't deserve to get that much tips and she's really good and those tips are for her, she should absolutely be able to keep them if something like this is true.

GUTFELD: All right. Well, we solved nothing here.

TIMPF: Nope.

GUTFELD: That's the kind of segment I like. I'm not here to solve any problems. Just here to hang out with my friends, and they have no choice. But I do. That's America. And I'll fight to the death to protect it.

WATTERS: Please, don't.

GUTFELD: Naked. If you want me to, I will. I will.

TYRUS: You win.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

WATTERS: You win.

GUTFELD: See, see how easy that was? All they got to do is suggest it.

WATTERS: It's too easy.

GUTFELD: And he just falls. See, I know his weakness. Coming up, the first fury fronts the world's greatest band on multiple planets. GWAR's Blothar is next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Last week, astronomers discovered a massive planet 10 times bigger than Jupiter orbiting a part of extremely hot stars, me and Jesse. It's six to 10 times heavier than our sun. The record-breaking alien planet is called B-Centuari-B, and it's challenging what we know about space because scientists previously thought it'd be too hot for a planet to form in.

And so, will this change everything we know about the galaxy and the life forms that reside in it? There's only one life form I could think of to help us make sense of all of this, a mighty space beast who also happens to have the voice of an angel. He's also part of the greatest band that ever was, or will ever be, GWAR, joining us for the first time in studio, GWAR Lead Vocalist, Blothar, the Berserker. First off, with all these COVID restrictions, is it hard to travel?

BLOTHAR, GWAR LEAD VOCALIST: Well, I mean, of course, it's hard to travel. It's hard for me to get through a doorway.

TYRUS: I feel you.

GUTFELD: Yes, you're, you're the only guest that's larger than Tyrus.

BLOTHAR: Well, I don't know about that. I don't feel larger than Tyrus. I'm amazed. That there's a big dude right there.

TYRUS: It's all me.

GUTFELD: I just want to stare at both of you. So, tell me what do you make of this giant planet, oh, giant man?

BLOTHAR: Well, I mean, you know, if you want to know about things that are hot and fat, obviously, you're going to ask me. You know, I think it just underscores the insignificance of humanity. If you want to know what, what, what true insignificance is, just look in the mirror, Greg, that's, that's what you're going to see.

WATTERS: I like this guy.

GUTFELD: Do you think you could sit in for me on "THE FIVE"?

TYRUS: I don't know, Dana is a stickler.

WATTERS: Yes, it's not me that would have a problem with it.

GUTFELD: What do you think of Elon Musk? He has this idea; he wants to create like a Noah's Ark spaceship that would be packed full of animals to go to Mars. Is this a good or bad idea?

BLOTHAR: I mean, I think it's a great idea, especially if he just flies it directly into the sun.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BLOTHAR: That's what I'd like to see. Fried zebra. Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. You're -- GWAR is not a fan of animals?

BLOTHAR: No, I mean, we love animals. We just, you know, maybe not Elon Musk. But, you know, I mean, it's just, just the idea of a Noah's Ark sailing directly into the sun is extremely appealing to me.

GUTFELD: It is, it is. You do, you do enjoy the destruction of all Earthlings. We often forget that those are earthlings too --

BLOTHAR: That's right. Yes. Yes, animals are earthlings too, although they generally get a pass because --

GUTFELD: Yes, that's right.

BLOTHAR: After all --

GUTFELD: But, but the downside of those earthlings, they don't create crack.

BLOTHAR: No, they don't create crack, but they do create crap and we appreciate that.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

BLOTHAR: Well, you're right, you're right.

GUTFELD: What do you do with crack?

BLOTHAR: We smoke it just like everybody else.

GUTFELDL: Hey, have you been following this thing going on in Colorado, Blothar, something about like, they're hearing these mysterious sounds from under a lake in Colorado Springs.

BLOTHAR: Yes, you know what, I wish people would just leave me alone while I'm trying to have a B.M., you know? People always with a glass at the door trying to listen. So hard to be a celebrity. Not a single moment of privacy.

GUTFELD: Do you get -- when you're on Earth, do you get recognized a lot from earthlings or do they tend to --

BLOTHAR: They generally turn and run in terror, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BLOTHAR: They certainly recognize that their doom is imminent when they see me.

GUTFELD: Or are you often mistaken for Alec Baldwin?

BLOTHAR: No, nobody was saying to me for that, not Alec Baldwin. (INAUDIBLE) --

GUTFELD: I love -- by the way, so when, do you have any masks, what do you get your masks to -- your COVID masks? How do they fit on your face?

BLOTHAR: I never wear a mask as you can see.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BLOTHAR: I am absolutely maskless. No, I mean, I mean, I can't nothing fits me. I don't buy off the rack, Greg, like you.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. I buy off a very tiny rack, a gaps kids.

BLOTHAR: I can't find a mask that fits me, let's just put it like that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BLOTHAR: But I do think humans should wear masks. I used to wear them all the time. If, if you're wearing -- your to wear them and rob a bank?

GUTFELD: Yes.

BLOTHAR: Then why don't you just wear them every day? So, you always look like you're robbing a bank. Plus, humans are ugly, really ugly.

GUTFELD: That's true. You know, it's true. You have probably a different a different concept of beauty on your planet. From a scale of one to 10, what are you on, on, on your planet?

BLOTHAR: Well, I mean, I'm unreadable, obviously. I'm a 10 and a half, I'm an 11, I'm off the charts.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes.

BLOTHAR: But I mean, you know, my, my fairness is, is unmatched.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BLOTHAR: In the universe, obviously. But somebody like you, I mean, I would say, you know, six and a half.

GUTFELD: Oh, thank you.

BLOTHAR: Yes.

GUTFELD: I'll take that six and a half. I got last question for you Christmassy we always see Norad tracking Santa as he flies around the globe, do you enjoy that? What would you do?

BLOTHAR: I mean obviously we would try to shoot him down. We've already gotten the military involved to scramble those jets and bring that fat SOB to the ground.

GUTFELD: There you go, Blothar.

BLOTHAR: Santa knows to party man.

GUTFELD: Yes, he does. He does. Yes. All right, Blothar, always a pleasure to have you here.

BLOTHAR: Well, it's a pleasure to be here.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BLOTHAR: How long was that, geez?

GUTFELD: That's a good six minutes, I think.

BLOTHAR: That's six minutes. All right. All right.

GUTFELD: (INAUDIBLE) for you. You want to hang out here all day? Maybe you do the whole show once in a while.

BLOTHAR: Yes. Well, you know, I'll do it.

GUTFELD: You got to read up on the topics though.

BLOTHAR: I don't read.

TYRUS: Neither does Watters.

GUTFELD: Yes, neither does Watters. All right, thank you, Blothar. That's GWAR, buy their records. Don't go away, we'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thanks to Blothar of GWAR, Jesse Watters, Walter Kirn, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld, I love you, America.


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