This is a rush transcript of "Gutfeld!" on May 27, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Stupid. Like genuinely, stupid. Happy Friday. I sincerely hope you're excited for your three-day weekend. I know why I am. This is what I did last year.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes, a memories. So whenever a huge ugly story unfolds, the media has to do its thing. And like Brian Stelter at a pie-eating contest, they never seem to know when to quit.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So you sold an AR-15 at the gun show? See you in court.

(CROSSTALK)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It's natural after a tragedy, I suppose, to report and report it's necessary. But then what if there's not enough news to do more reporting with it, you repeat it and repeat it again. It's like that Cars for Kids ad that makes me want to puncture my eardrums. I know.

They really are talented though. But it's everything but facts. You call in talking heads and experts for angles and emotional testimony. They are the hamburger helper of news, if you will, adding volume to the main course. And when the reporting runs dry, which is fast, the speculation begins. And like me calling my pharmacist, it's relentless.

It won't stop. Everyone tries to outdo each other and by more perceptive than you or you more emotionally affected than me. The news becomes as productive as an argument with a meter made. The speculation is then punctuated by dribs and drabs of new info, which hours later, turns out to be wrong. There was an officer confronting a shooter. No, there wasn't. The shooter killed himself. No, he didn't. The press used to say that if your mother says she loves you, you should check it out first. Now, it's hey, guess until you're right.

Meanwhile, everyone turns into little Colombo's experts in speculation but little else but at least Columbo got it right in the end. But now it's was there a delay in police action? And if so, why should they have gone right in or wait for others? Did they screw up? You know, it's like we could make these decisions easily. Suddenly, we're experts in tactics and say what we would have done. I know what I would have done, hide behind Tyrus. Then I - - then I'd offer Geraldo as a trade. I'm kidding, Geraldo. Oh, stop it. Stop it.

WALTER KIRN, NOVELIST/LITERACY CRITIC: Hey, I wasn't you.

GUTFELD: He's a lovely man -- lovely man. But we play Monday morning quarterback, Monday through Friday, and then some. I find it hypocritical for the media to criticize reaction time when ours is always off. It's just in the opposite direction. Just like when we watch videos of cops interacting with unarmed suspects, suddenly we became experts in policing, as though we went to school for it. But in reality, the closest we've come to studying the police is watching the documentary on staying.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Oh I get it.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: They all. They all. Away homer.

GUTFELD: Yes. The fact is a lot of us got journalism degree is to avoid doing math. But we can't help ourselves. It's the nature of the beast. When I was a kid, we had 30 to 60 minutes of news tops each day. Hell, that included sports weather and 10 minutes of a birthday shout-out to people who went to high school with God. But now it's 24/7.

We went from a little bucket of news to an Olympic-sized pool that needs filling every day. It's like Tyrus' bathtub, where his rubber ducky is an actual tugboat.

TYRUS: You got it one more.

GUTFELD: I know.

TYRUS: You got it one more.

GUTFELD: It's too -- but me pointing this out doesn't mean it's going to change. I mean, I'm a powerful cog in this machine, we call the media, but I don't have that kind of influence. I can barely get Kat to bathe.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: I shower -- I shower twice a day.

GUTFELD: Yes. No, you didn't. But at least we should acknowledge our role in this. Right now, we just show up at the end of a crime but that crime is often the end of a long, ugly road featuring clues that make us wonder why we didn't see it coming. It's like terrorism. You see how you could have prevented it after it's already occurred. The problem is the bad guys watch TV news, too. So the next time they'll do it differently, and we'll have to learn another lesson again on how to prevent that specific crime.

But you see learning on the job is one thing if you're stocking shelves at Walmart. But when it comes to policing, learning from mistakes usually means learning from the horrific human tragedy, maybe the death of one of their own. So maybe we so-called media experts should slow down our reaction time about a subject we really know nothing about and learn to do our jobs right first before we worry about how others do there's.

Of course, single variable thinkers will scream guns after an atrocity like this but we can handle more than one thought. There's mental instability, family disarray, bullying, and a disturbing presence on social media. The ingredients in these tragedies are as consistent as the ones that have Big Mac.

Yes, there are variables we should catch early. One of them though is us, the media. We never lower the heat to these things, even though we know they trigger copycats, who see the attention as a chance for infamy and immortality. No, I'm not saying you shouldn't report these stories, reporting is one thing but acting as a publicist for the killer is another.

The media almost turns the story into a late-night infomercial, telling young mentally unstable man who might be watching that you too can be a household name, you too can go out in a blaze of glory and make history, you too can be the next creep who shall not be named. That's the reason someone chooses suicide plus, over just suicide.

Suicide plus has a payoff provided by you know who, us. So as we criticize cops and say they should have done it better and hope they learn from it, we should also say that about the press. Too bad we won't listen.

Let's welcome tonight's guests. His degrees at Princeton in Oxford prove he's terrible at sports, novelist and literary critic, Walter Kirn. She shakes more foundations than the San Andreas Fault, Fox Business Anchor -- what's wrong with me? Dagen McDowell. Her family's planning a road trip to get away from her. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. And his chest X-rays have to be shown at the local driving, my massive sidekick in the NWA World television champion, Tyrus. All right, Walter, good to see you as always.

KIRN: Thank you.

GUTFELD: So how do you improve an industry like this, in which our job is to fill space? It's not necessarily our fault. It's just that we increase the space, like 12 fold. And now we're like, just stuck just going over the same path over and over again. There's a question in there somewhere, Walter. By the way, you look great.

KIRN: Thank you, man. That's not

GUTFELD: Let's -- I think we can agree that he looks great.

TIMPF: Yes, he does.

KIRN: Thank you, Kat.

TIMPF: Yes.

KIRN: Well, you know, let's add to the problem by having me comment on him.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. What do you think about the things that I'm saying you shouldn't be commenting on?

KIRN: I promised to try to be funny later in the show.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: But I covered a mass shooting once for a magazine in Aurora, Colorado.

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: The Midnight shooting at a Batman premiere. And I was there in the morning, there was still blood in the parking lot, there was still spilled popcorn from the fleeing people and the kids of the town whose friends had died the night before were sitting around looking at this police taped area. And one of them had a shirt on that said My Bloody Valentine. And it had a picture of a head exploding. And I said that's a little strange to wear that shirt after this terrible shooting. And he said, well, it's a band, I hadn't noticed. Yes, it is a bad. It's a well --

GUTFELD: Great bad.

KIRN: It will. So the moral of this story is that I don't think we notice anymore that we're absolutely saturated in this violence, in this talk of shootings and shooters, we use the language as though we've all you know gone to the police academy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: And my feeling after that shooting was that the coverage is like a blanket that we throw over a body. We can't -- we can't stand to look it in the eye. And so we cover it in coverage. One thing about guns is that I think we can all agree they shouldn't be in the hands of insane people.

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: But the problem is we can't define insane anymore. And I think that we could start with ourselves. We're a little insane and we drive everybody else insane in the media. And --

GUTFELD: That's true.

KIRN: Yes.

GUTFELD: That's true. Dagen, what are your thoughts on my eloquent monologue that will win awards?

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS ANCHOR: As a journalist?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: I'm doing God's work.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCDOWELL: Since in the last two years, I have been your virologist, epidemiologist, economist, lawyer, I've been historian on Eastern Europe, Asia, and the former Soviet Union. I've been a petroleum engineer, a military tactician, a weapons specialist, a beautician, and when asked Walter if you want to look better than you do right now, and an amateur dermatologist and plastic surgeon. How bad -- real quick. Nothing has changed except the saturation.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Because when I told my father, I called him on the phone when I got my first job I said, daddy, I'm going to be a journalist. And his response was, oh, honey, you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel. Couldn't you -- then he was like, couldn't you be an IRS agent or like a repo man? So it hadn't really changed.

GUTFELD: That's great. It's so funny. We all become experts. We all be -- and it's even true in magazine journalism, you get -- if you wrote an article in 19, like 83, on like airlines, you will end up getting called by cable stations citing you as an expert.

MCDOWELL: Yes.

GUTFELD: All it takes is one article, Kat. It makes you an expert in a lot of things.

TIMPF: Yes. Well, OK, so I actually disagree with some -- I think it's OK for -- to be critical of the police.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Even though I couldn't do their jobs. Because part of the reason that I don't do that job is that I know I couldn't do it. So the people who do have that job, I think that this should be investigated and if -- you know, these were -- these massive mistakes were made this way that they are talking about, people should be held accountable.

GUTFELD: I agree.

TIMPF: And I think that that's fine to say. What starts to bother me is when there is all of this time to talk about the story and everybody wants to sort of hot take out each other.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Where it's like someone calls it horrible and then someone else says, no, no, no, no, it was unfathomable. And then it just becomes like a vocabulary showdown.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: It's like --

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: What are we doing here?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Like, obviously, the families aren't watching these shows right now.

TIMPF: No.

GUTFELD: They're like, you know, but it's like, I'm always trying to think like, what if they accidentally did? How would they feel seeing their kids up there on TV? How would they feel about seeing their kids up there while they have a picture of the killer? Which has happened on like, in certain newspapers, they'll have the guy all over the place and it's like, I don't -- do the parents who want to see that anyway. That's not a question. I just want to hand it over to you, Tyrus for the final thought.

TYRUS: Oh, first of all, you -- again, you said it right the other day, sometimes we just need to shut the hell up.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Of course, mistakes were made. He was able to get into school and kill children and two teachers. And the people who made those mistakes are going to have to live with that for the rest of their life. The teacher who left the door open is paying for that. The two police officers were shot off the cops were trying to figure out what was happening in real-time.

Every second that they're trying to figure out a gun bullets going off -- a gun's bullet going off and then you see people sitting in chairs like this telling them what they did wrong. How dare you? Mistakes were made. Officers have to live with that. One of the officers lost his own child. You don't think he's got that's not going to live with him?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Mistakes were made. Of course, there were. But let's not forget who's responsible. The murderer is he had time to plan, he had support, he had finance, he watched, he waited, he had the advantage. And it's a simple thing. And I'm not a genius and I don't pretend to be one but I'm a parent and I was a bodyguard and my job was to keep Snoop safe. I always plan for a problem. A

nd it goes to Mr. Kirn's point until you start looking in the mirror and start saying that we have bad people, we have evil people, we have monsters in every town in every city and we need to plan accordingly. Then we can do that. But until then, we'll have roundtables like this and all these geniuses on TV and I go back to your awesome point and you had the balls to say it, sometimes we need to shut the hell up.

GUTFELD: Thank you. Up next, do humans have more to deduce if we trust the president less than beetle juice?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Who do people trust the most a politician or a ghost? Are we messed up in the head if we believe less than the living than the dead? New research and boy do I love that new research smell, finds that people believe in ghosts more than they trust the government. It's tough -- it's tough competition considering how invisible Kamala Harris is.

I don't know. I don't know if I deserved applause on that I -- but anyway, a poll -- I've taken it. A poll of nearly 1000 people in the UK, also called the UK, found that 50 percent believe in the existence of ghosts. Meanwhile, just 20 percent said they have faith in the government, and even fewer had faith in the power of toothpaste because of tingling, just in case. So what to make of this? What would this poll say if it were done in the U.S.? It's hard to say since Democrats do so well with dead voters.

Not to mention the poltergeist currently haunting the Oval Office. And years ago, let's face it, Democrats did ride around wearing white sheets. Yes, I'm getting a lot of applause today. I'm not used to this.

TYRUS: Just keep going.

GUTFELD: So, basically a random person on the street is more than twice as likely to believe in Casper than Kamala. By the way, that same survey found that only 12 percent said they believe in magic. Clearly, they've never seen me in a pair of leather chaps, Tyrus, talk about magic. But it's best for believing in ghosts more than politics. Maybe it's not a bad thing. Well, until you run into a ghost, who happens to be political.

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TERRY PHANTASM, GHOSTSPLOSION HOST: Welcome back to Ghostsplosion. I'm your host, Terry Phantasm. We're here in the incredibly well-preserved living room of notorious Victorian-era serial killer, Oswald Vaughn Chapstick. This place is crawling with paranormal activity. Did you -- did you hear that? Show yourself spirit.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, well, but it's another privilege white male hosting a TV show. You know, you're glorifying the Victorian era, a time when women were second-class citizens and coal-burning train travel was destroying the ozone and factories were abusing the rights of labor workers? And as for today, the Democrats are in danger of losing their House majority in the upcoming midterm elections. Because you know what's actually scary? Republicans.

PHANTASM: OK, shut the cameras off. And by the way, how was your hair outside the sheet?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I already know the answer to this question, Kat, but I'm going to ask you anyway. Have you ever seen a ghost?

TIMPF: No.

GUTFELD: That bums you out.

TIMPF: Yes, I've tried.

GUTFELD: I know. I tried to conjure them up.

TIMPF: No, I -- yes because I really want something to believe in.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. You're true --

TIMPF: OK. But it's also true.

GUTFELD: That's also out of Ouija board.

TIMPF: Yes. I was scared of the Ouija board though.

GUTFELD: Yes. Oh, my -- I had three older sisters. I knew they move that thing around but I didn't get -- if it's still scared the hell out of me.

TIMPF: Well, my mom told me if I ever played with it, there'd be devils in the house.

GUTFELD: She was right. You are the devil.

TIMPF: Me? Right, yes.

GUTFELD: Do you -- but having said that, you know believe in ghosts, do you still believe in ghosts more than you believe in government?

TIMPF: Oh, Yes. I don't know for sure about ghosts.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I know that. I do not believe in the government.

GUTFELD: Yes. There you go. Tyrus, I don't believe in ghosts, but I believe my digestive system is haunted.

TYRUS: OK.

TIMPF: Wow.

TYRUS: I'm not -- I don't care how much they apply. I'm not doing this tonight. Culturally, as you may know, or may not know, I'm black. We don't have time to believe in ghosts. We got to deal with other -- we have freeloading relatives. We don't need ghosts staying in the damn house. And then --

GUTFELD: We all have them.

TYRUS: And no one wants to put up with a haunted house because chances are it's going to be a racist haunted house.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TYRUS: Every time I come home, it's changing the locks and it's like getting out. You know.

GUTFELD: Get out.

TYRUS: Pay rent. So I don't need that. We don't have time for that.

GUTFELD: Dagen, is this -- is this a helpful survey? I think it is. Like, you know, it's -- it just tells you how little trust people have in government.

MCDOWELL: I don't need a survey because I can pose this question to anybody. Hey, you want to come over to my parents' house and hang around the room my mom and dad are in, or would you rather come over to my house and hang out with a politician who's going to chew your ear off for two hours and then pick your pocket and do nothing for you? They would always choose --

TIMPF: Do you have a mum room?

MCDOWELL: Yes, it's a dead mum. You know, maybe a cold breeze blow through you it smells like lavender. She wakes you up in the middle of the night but you get something from it.

GUTFELD: Yes. You'd be -- you'd be a great real estate agent, put over here -- over here, but now --

TYRUS: She has a lot of job titles got filled, yes.

GUTFELD: That's true. But think about this. She can come and go -- this is the dead mum room over here.

MCDOWELL: Yes. I tell everybody that who comes over you know you're sitting -- it's -- I'm stealing this from Kat. You're sitting -- you know, you're sitting in the chair that mom and dad in. I make a lot of friends that way.

GUTFELD: All right, Walter?

KIRN: What this study proves is that they're running out of studies. But since they've -- but since they did it, it caused me to think about the similarities between ghosts and government.

GUTFELD: Right.

KIRN: Like government, ghosts live in old houses, the White House.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Like government, they kind of keep you up at night and then you wake up in a cold sweat.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

KIRN: The IRS causes you to do. Like government, ghosts are mostly white. But you know, as I say, I don't -- I don't think that studies like this really prove anything except that we're giving too much money to our universities. Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Here's an exit question if you will, and I'll post it to you, Kat. When a -- when a ghost blows off another ghost, is that called being Human?

TIMPF: What?

GUTFELD: Being Human?

TIMPF: Sorry.

TYRUS: Please refrain. Please refrain. Change the -- rephrase the question. You --

GUTFELD: When a -- no, ghost blows off another ghost, is that --

TYRUS: Take the ghost off part out when a ghost lives another ghost.

GUTFELD: If ghost I yours, is it called being human?

TIMPF: No, it's just called being --

GUTFELD: Because you're be -- you're going to take these people anywhere. I was?

TIMPF: I know that. You could.

GUTFELD: Up next, wokesters who think it's vital to drop chief from a title.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: San Francisco has a beef with job titles containing chief. Yes, the San Francisco Unified School District or SFUSD is dropping the word chief from all its job titles out of respect for Native Americans. And everyone in the city is jumping for joy and landing on poop.

You know, it says if they gave people titles, and then took them back, if only there were a way to describe doing that. Anyway, a district spokesperson explains, "Our leadership team agree that given that Native American members of our community have expressed concerns over the use of the title, we are no longer going to use it." Man, wait until this jackass wants to go to a fine restaurant.

Hi, I'd like to make a -- anyway, but the school district Web site still has the word chief plastered all over it like Liz Warren's warpaint, chief technology officer, chief of staff, chief general counsel, 13 chiefs and all, that's more chiefs than the Kansas City starting lineup and not one brand among them. They're going to have to switch the titles to head but I guess that will offend Abraham Van Brunt.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Headless Horseman.

GUTFELD: Thank you. Yes. Oh, you know, (INAUDIBLE) but you don't know Abraham Van Brunt.

TYRUS: I did.

GUTFELD: Thank you. And it is extra stupid concerning chief is a title of honor that traces back to the year 1300 A.D., when Nancy Pelosi was just starting her third term. Of course. This isn't the first time the San Fran school district made asses of itself. It's the same jerks who tried to change school names during the pandemic instead of getting kids back in the classroom where they could learn that the founding fathers were actually transgender women.

It's true, like the wigs and stockings weren't a dead giveaway. but it backfired and led to the recall of three board members. Right, say they got axed but I don't want to trigger any nearby trees. Tyrus, Tyrus, how great is your life if this is your problem or how sad is your life if this was your problem?

TYRUS: Yes, a couple, a couple of things I have issues with. You used the term -- another word you need to take away is that leadership.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: A team of leadership came up with this one. So, the way you solve the high-level of illiteracy in schools is by taking away one of the easiest words to spell.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: So, that was genius. And chief, by the way, geniuses, is a French- English word, and has, and was an English word used to describe someone who had leadership abilities. It actually had nothing to do with Native Americans. So, maybe, this is what the woke do, they get, they get their ass kicked. And instead of going you know what, man, we made a mistake. We, we should focus on substance and not fantasy. No, no, let's keep the party going. Let's take away chief.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: That'll get us, that'll get it.

GUTFELD: Walter, instead of like doing anything to help anybody, it seems like these people are just sitting in a room with a thesaurus and a dictionary and just finding things to get upset about so that they can then feel good about it later.

WALTER KIRN, NOVELIST: It's a lot easier than giving them their land back. So, this confirms my thesis that government is never more racist than when it's trying not to be. First of all, San Francisco should apologize to Roman Catholics for naming its horrible city after St. Francis.

GUTFELD: He loved the animals. He was the patron saint of animals, right?

KIRN: Yes, he was and so in that sense, San Francisco is properly named.

GUTFELD: Nicely done.

KIRN: But I was going to say that, you know, I wrote a friend, I come from Montana on the Blackfeet reservation this morning, and I said, what do you think of this. Because all I know is that I can't speak for Native Americans and probably the government of San Francisco can't either. So, I asked one and he said, this was not one of us, I promise you.

GUTFELD: That's the, that's the thing -- Dagen, when I was, when I was reading this, and they go, like, you know, out of concern expressed by some of our -- like, do Native Americans really give a (BLEEP)?

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK ANCHOR: This has happened in other places.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Like, I think they tried to do it in Duluth, Minnesota at one point, and I was reading like a blog post from a Native American saying, um, this isn't an indigenous word. Why are they getting so upset about it? If we're not upset about it.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCDOWELL: But can you imagine like, the nerd in the class, who's got like, Tracy Flick, who's like, sir -- I mean, ma'am. I mean, person. I mean, they them. You know, the etymology it says that this is an old French word -- is that, shut up. You're expelled.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Because you can't even speak up.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. It's a great word too, Kat. What's up chief?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes -- no, that's what I call my dad.

GUTFELD: Yes, hey, chief. It's a great name for everything.

TIMPF: I only call my dad chief.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's right. Well, he is the chief of police.

TIMPF: No, I'm the chief of police.

GUTFELD: Actually, he's a --

TIMPF: It's a long story.

GUTFELD: Actually, he's a, he runs a Native America tribe.

TIMPF: Yes, just look at me. Yes, again, Tyrus, I think, you know, make such a great point about how this is what they're focusing on last year, San Francisco was the bottom five percent for literacy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: These schools. Like, literacy, which is pretty important in terms of going to school, learning how to read and write. So, I think it's actually offensive to everybody who goes there that this is what they're spending their time on.

GUTFELD: And I want to commend you by maintaining the T and important.

TIMPF: Thank you, because you've made, you've made me so (BLEEP) self- conscious, that I can't, I can't even say the word anymore. And then I --

GUTFELD: It's true, it's like, once you hear people think it's important --

TIMPF: I said important. And now and then, now is like, he would never leave me alone about it. Because you know, obviously that's the biggest problem in the world. And so now, I just have to make sure I really focus and say important.

GUTFELD: It's important. It's so important.

MCDOWELL: You know what is not?

GUTFELD: What?

MCDOWELL: It's not often, it's often. You don't say the T, because I'm Trace Flick and I know that.

GUTFELD: She was the deadly writer who couldn't keep her plans inside her.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Welcome back. If you want your husband dead -- log, maybe don't post your plan on a stupid blog. This week, a self-published romance novelist -- it isn't Jesse, Kat -- once wrote an essay titled how to murder your husband, and was just convicted for murdering her husband. Talk about stupid. Even O.J. didn't write "If I Did It," until after he finished murdering. It's kind of funny coincidence. I just wrote a blog called "How to Steal Drugs from Larry Kudlow's Medicine Cabinet."

According to police, Nancy Crampton Brophy, she's a sex pot, shot her husband -- a sexist might say, in 2018 while he prepared for work. Now, work is when you perform agreed upon services in exchange for money. That explanation was for Pete Buttigieg. The blog, which was written years earlier, detailed various options for committing and untraceable murder and a desire to get away with it. It was excluded from her trial though, but hey, who hasn't planned a murder before? You know what I mean, ha? Anyway, but she also blabbed to her cellmate, who testified against her.

Apparently, Nancy claimed her husband was shot through the heart and she was to blame. Giving love, giving love a bad name, bad name. God, I love White Snake. That's my nickname for Doocy, who loves Bon Jovi, and that's his nickname for doing wrestling. Friday, what do you want from me? Either way, she forgot step one of getting away with murder, don't tell the internet or your cellmate, don't wear a button that says ask me about how I murdered my husband. Walter, you are an author who's actually written about a real murderer that you actually became friends with?

KIRN: Yes, I did. The book is called "Blood Were Out," and I hope everyone buys it.

GUTFELD: Very serious about his own plugs.

KIRN: No, but I have, I have a theory about this murder. I think she was attempting to make the murder tax deductible. Because I know as a professional writer that any research you do, and any costs you incur can be deducted from your taxes. I also think it wasn't a stupid plan that you believe it to be. I think that as a defense, you could say, listen, I wrote a blog post about how to murder my husband, would I then go and do it?

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: Come on?

GUTFELD: That's great. That was my next question. It's like you are kind of like Daring people to make that connection. It's like you, I would be the last person to do that.

KIRN: Exactly.

GUTFELD: That's why he said that thing about Kudlow when his pills go missing.

KIRN: I wrote a blog, blog post last year called "How Not to be Murdered by Your Wife."

GUTFELD: Yes.

KIRN: And I'm hoping that it doesn't come true.

GUTFELD: You know, Dagen, and I think you've threatened to kill a lot of people threatened.

MCDOWELL: Threatened.

GUTFELD: Threatened, yes. Do you ever worry that one of them may end up dead? And then they go, and they could just go look on television, and find out what you said?

MCDOWELL: No. I'm smarter than writing a blog post about the mistakes that I'm going to make.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: In the future. One mistake as a country bitch, she said that the gun, a Glock was bought for her to protect her husband when he went to forage for mushrooms. So, that you don't need a Glock for that.

KIRN: I hate to say it, but it's mushroom season in Montana. And in fact, you do. There aren't -- no, I'm not kidding you. There are armed gangs of mushroom hunters spread out across the West. The thing, the things are incredibly valuable they sell for like $25.00 a pound, and in fact, you do need to be armed to hunt for wild mushroom. That's a fact.

MCDOWELL: OK. I stand, I stand corrected.

KIRN: You don't get this kind of information, Dagen, on "OUTNUMBERED."

MCDOWELL: No.

GUTFELD: They've done nothing on mushrooms. Nothing, I tell you.

MCDOWELL: And by the way, if you really want to kill somebody and leave, and have leave no trace, you feed them poisonous mushroom.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCDOWELL: Just one more thing. If you really want to make your husband pay, there's one way to do it, you stay married to them forever. And you harangue them and whittle them down to a little --

GUTFELD: Yes. Kat, how has this changed your life?

TIMPF: It actually --

GUTFELD: How does this knowledge informed your future decision-making?

TIMPF: Well, no, we actually, we talk about this all the time on our podcast, "Tyrus and Timpf." We do because we say that like, OK, don't do a crime, right? But if you must --

TYRUS: If you must.

TIMPF: If you must, you need to realize it's called a life of crime for a reason, because you have to make other decisions in your life that you wouldn't have to make you didn't do a crime. So, instead of writing the blog post, she should've just started like spreading some rumors that her husband was into like some shady stuff, like he maybe had like a drug problem, he had some gang involvement. So, then, when the hitman you hire takes them out, nobody's shocked.

GUTFELD: That's right. You, you just create a really reputation.

TIMPF: It's a life of crime.

GUTFELD: That is --

TIMPF: Because you got to have an exit strategy.

TYRUS: Boom, say it again --

TIMPF: And you have to have -- exit strategy.

TYRUS: Exit strategy.

GUTFELD: Why do I feel like -- I feel like on an infomercial where I have two hosts telling me how to get away with murder.

TIMPF: If she would've listened to "Tyrus and Timpf," she'd be a free woman.

GUTFELD: Tell me what the exit strategy is, Tyrus.

TYRUS: Well, you have to plan. You got to go back from front. Again, we don't condone murder.

TIMPF: We don't condone it.

TYRUS: But if you must.

TIMPF: But if you must.

TYRUS: But if you must, start from the back.

TIMPF: It is something to keep in mind.

TYRUS: Some of this has to fall on the husband, besides the bullet in his back.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: There are, there's signs. If I came home and I saw notes and etchings of how to murder me, I'm going the ask (BLEEP) questions. Like you didn't know when the -- hey, honey, did you read my new blog? Yes, dear. Like you got, sometimes you got to pay attention to her when she starts getting shady, and does things like McDowell just do what she just, Dagen, just fixed her hair. That's subtle thing for that (INAUDIBLE) ass. So, whenever they fix the hair plans lay down you got about 48 hours to figure it out.

TIMPF: And the exit strategy is easy, it's -- don't talk to the cops.

TYRUS: And don't put them in your dumpster.

TIMPF: Also like, you can pretend as though you are really afraid that you're going to be the next victim of this hitman, and you can't believe that this -- you ever allowed this horrible drug addicted gangbanger into your life.

GUTFELD: That is --

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: You know, but then you, then you become the person that goes I'm going to lead the search for my missing spouce.

TIMPF: No, you don't.

TYRUS: Absolutely.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You're too shaken up.

TIMPF: No, because you already told all of your friends that it was a bad marriage and you didn't leave because you were afraid, so they already all have your back.

GUTFELD: All right.

TIMPF: Not that, not that you should.

GUTFELD: Boy, we're really helping people.

KIRN: Those, those two are spending too much time together.

GUTFELD: Is this like when you say like I don't think they should -- we should keep them separate for a while. All right. My mom used to do that all the time.

TYRUS: Nobody asked why.

GUTFELD: Up next, inflation outstrips our budget for road trips.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: "A STORY IN FIVE WORDS."

GUTFELD: Here's the story in five words: American road trips are dead. It's true. Nobody's doing road trips anymore. Walter, you just went on a big one, didn't you, last year?

KIRN: Yes, I did. But you know --

GUTFELD: Due to the inflation and pandemic.

KIRN: This is sad for kids because kids learn a lot on road trips. When I was a kid in Arizona truck stop, I learned what French tickler condoms were.

GUTFELD: Truck stops teach -- truck stops, truck stops are a kid's junior college. They really are. I learned a lot of stuff like big belt buckles.

KIRN: It was a little picture of a Frenchman with beret and a long feather.

GUTFELD: Yes. God, that's a memory.

KIRN: Sorry, girls.

GUTFELD: You know, Dagen, I think the most important thing about road trips that people are going to lose is how to balance the time with beverage consumption. Because there's nothing worse than somebody in a car who shows up drinking a big gulp and doesn't factor in that we have to stop now every 25 minutes because of your tiny little female bladder.

TIMPF: That's me, I always have to pee.

MCDOWELL: I'm a female and I don't stop.

GUTFELD: Yes. There you go.

MCDOWELL: So, if I'm driving, I don't stop and you don't need a lot of money to do a road trip. You take Fig Newtons peanut butter tortillas and you sleep and churchyards or graveyards, nobody will (BLEEP) with you in a graveyard.

GUTFELD: Tyrus --

MCDOWELL: I've done that. I've slept in a churchyard, worried I was going to get eaten by gators in Louisiana.

GUTFELD: Wow. I don't even know how that led up to that point in your life. I think we should work backwards, Tyrus. Tyrus, you, you get no road trips, they say, it's just because gas is so expensive?

TYRUS: Yes, well, gas is -- I tried to do the math, it's like to drive from Florida to California is like almost a grand and then you got to deal with the traffic with the fentanyl smugglers and, and then truck stops still have the French ticklers, apparently. And graveyards are full, there's double occupancy, so it's just, sometimes it's better just to fly.

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go. You worked it all together. Kat, you are going on a road trip after this show.

TIMPF: Yes, I go on a few road trips a year, but I do count Brooklyn.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Because it's from here.

GUTFELD: It's because it's close to this studio, you might want to point that out to the rest of America, Kat.

TIMPF: You know what, sorry, America. I've let you down.

GUTFELD: You have. You have. It's disgusting once again. But apparently, that just, that point just wasn't important enough.

TIMPF: I am such a nice person.

TYRUS: You know what, yes, you should work in a library.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Don't go away. We'll be right back.

TIMPF: I'm going to start saying library.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We're out of time. Thanks to Dagen McDowell, Walter Kirn, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I love you America.

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