Gutfeld gives scathing review of New York Times' American flag makeover
Kat Timpf, Tyrus, Pete Hegseth and Candace Owens join the 'Gutfeld!' panel in Nashville
This is a rush transcript of "Gutfeld!" on September 29, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Yes. Hello, America. It's Wednesday night in Nashville or as Kat likes to call it no officer, those are not my drugs day. She's just holding them for a friend, a friend named Keith Richards.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Oh, yes.
GUTFLED: What a great show. What a great show. Joining us tonight, Candace Owens.
Candace has more haters on the left than personal hygiene. That says something. If she were any smarter and beautiful, she'd be me. Oh, and look who's joined us. The charming Pete Hegseth. You know, he smiled and now the whole front row is pregnant. This guy has -- this guy has more brats than the cars for kids commercial.
He gives the ladies more hot flashes than menopause. Yes, like a Hershey bar left in a hot car. When Pete's -- when Pete's on T.V. the women just sit there and melt. Not just the women, Pete. And of course we have Kats.
There she is. You know, since she's been in Nashville, she's really embracing the cowboy lifestyle.
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TIMPF: That's pretty good.
GUTFLED: I gave her points for trying. We had to put down the horse. And of course there's Tyrus. I'll just move on. And we got to thank the amazing audience here tonight. We love you. Because you chose us over all the other stuff. Like the crap that's currently on late night T.V., and I can't say I blame you. Have you seen what's on Colbert?
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GUTFLED: Oh, yes. It's a bunch of needles and one annoying prick. Too easy.
That was too easy. All right. That clip was from June, but it's like finding 20 bucks under a seat cushion. It may be old, but it's new to us.
Who knew one of the side effects of the jab was immediate cancer of the funny bone. That was so bad. It gave Courtney Love a fear of needles. The audience probably wish those needles were filled with cyanide.
It's not an argument against vaccines, it's an argument for lethal injection. I fear you're going to have to drink a whole bottle of tequila to recover from this. Or as Kat calls it a juice cleanse. So --
TIMPF: I'm a nice person.
GINGRAS: You are. Speaking of vomiting, you know, that's not the only thing making us sick tonight, The New York Times published a redesign of the American flag because, you know, the current one reeks of white privilege.
Look at this one. What the hell is this? I don't know whether to saluted or calibrate the color on my new flat screen. You know, if your child showed you that, you kicked the brat out of arts and crafts.
If it were Pete's kid, he'd leave it by the roadside on a family vacation.
He's got plenty of spares. What does he care? Now look at this one. It's called lift every voice and sing. I call it open every mouth and puke. Do these people understand what a flag is? It's supposed to inspire patriotism, not an aneurism. Then there's this one. This one is giving me a migraine just looking at it. Now my eyes know how my ears feel when AOC speaks.
Just -- if you're going to give me a hangover, at least let me earn it by drinking. That is not a flag. It's the wallpaper in a $5.00 a night motel in New Jersey. Not that I would know. That was quite a weekend though. The pattern for a clown's pajamas. And speaking of clowns, and pajamas. So how's Joe doing?
You know, according to an ABC News Poll, public approval of how he's handling key issues is eroding faster than Hunter septum. I care about his health. By the way, when this poll says key issues, they're talking about how long it takes Joe to find his keys every morning. But when it comes to polling, he's more underwater than a Ted Kennedy date. Oh, you feel bad about that? Well, don't kill anybody, then.
Oh, we offended somebody. You let a girl die. My apologies. But his numbers are like Joe's teeth in a glass next to his bed, floating at the bottom.
And he makes it worse by making crap up. That's positively hysterical.
Colbert should hire him as a writer. Did you hear that the $3.5 trillion spending bill actually costs us nothing? Yes, tell us Joe.
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JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Every time I hear it's going to A, B, C or D. The truth is, based on the commitment that I made, is going to cost nothing because we're going to raise the revenue.
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GUTFLED: Share your Gramps. And I'm going to start for the Celtics but next year, not this year. Here's Jen.
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JEN PSAKI, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: Some have expressed publicly that they're not comfortable with a 3.5. Even though zero cost $0.00.
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GUTFLED: Yes, some have disagreed publicly with you. And why? Because we aren't stupid, and we aren't suckers. I mean, what a total street con this is? See, it's totally free, because we're going to make the money afterwards by taxing the hell out of you. But by the time we steal that money, we'll have another trillion-dollar bill, which again, we'll pay for later by taxing the hell out of you. It never ends.
It's lather, rinse and repeat. Or in Joe's case, lather, rinse and fall between the sink and toilet. It's not a budget, it's a pyramid scheme. One step from selling household cleaning supplies from your trunk. So we elected Biden instead we got Bernie Madoff. And apparently the spending bill includes free community college for illegal immigrants, which given the state of our education system should be considered cruel and inhuman punishment.
By the time they graduate, they won't be qualified for anything. But they'll have learned 50 new pronouns for a bearded lady. I just say B.L. So what is Joe have to say for himself?
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TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Everybody's asking me, Joe, what's this going to cost me? What am I going to -- oh, I'm telling you stick with Uncle Joe. And you will owe nothing.
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GUTFLED: Wait a minute, did he just say what I think he said?
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SHILLUE: And I'm telling you stick with Uncle Joe, and you will own nothing. You will own nothing. You will own nothing.
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GUTFLED: That's what I thought he said. You know, luckily for this White House, they can trust the media to back up the B.S. This is an actual headline from the Washington Post. Stop focusing on the negative Biden and Harris have gotten things done. Yes, yes. You guys stop focusing on the bad stuff. OK? But that's like telling a death row inmate that his last meal is gluten free.
But hey, maybe we should consider all the good things the White House has done. Let's go through that list.
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GUTFLED: That's so juvenile. By the way, doing nothing isn't a bad thing.
Look how far it's gotten Kat. But the thing is, we're in a destruction loop. Government creates a problem that demands money to pay for it. It's like the guy that breaks 50 storefront windows and then opens a glass company the next day. That's our government, which is why I prefer a government that sits on its hands because then its hands aren't going through your wallets or grabbing your ass.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
GUTFLED: Let's welcome tonight's guests. Like sleeping on a waterbed. She's always making waves. Conservative commentator and host of Candace on the Daily Wire. Candace Owens. Back home in Minnesota, they call them the original hot dish. And his two kids away from a starting lineup.
PETE HEGSETH, FOX NEWS HOST: There we go.
GUTFLED: "FOX AND FRIENDS WEEKEND" co-host Pete Hegseth. The only thing neat about her is how she drinks her whiskey. Fox News contributor Kat Timpf.
TIMPF: I'm nice. Yes.
GUTFLED: And when he rides the mechanical bull, the bull has to sign a waiver. My massive sidekick, and the NWA World Television Champion, Tyrus.
All right. Let's get to the show. Pete, hero the hero.
HEGSETH: Yes.
GUTFLED: Thank you for your service.
HEGSETH: Thank you for yours.
GUTFLED: Oh, I know.
TIMPF: Oh, don't do that.
GUTFLED: You don't have to. You have a lot of --
HEGSETH: You're welcome --
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFLED: You have a lot of American flag tattoos. Are you going to have to redesign your tattoos if they change the flag?
HEGSETH: That's an interesting thought.
GUTFLED: It is. I've been thinking about it all day.
HEGSETH: A very simple exercise.
GUTFLED: Yes.
HEGSETH: Looking at the color bars you put up on the screen.
GUTFLED: Yes.
HEGSETH: I think about all those things. So you've had dancing needle men.
GUTFLED: Yes. Y
HEGSETH: You have color bars.
GUTFLED: Right.
HEGSETH: And then what was the last example? It was --
GUTFLED: Everything is free.
HEGSETH: 3.5 equals zero.
GUTFLED: Right.
HEGSETH: And it's -- there also cringe worthy -- they're cringe worthy, because you want to laugh, but the people saying them are actually serious.
GUTFLED: Exactly.
HEGSETH: That's why it's so cringe worthy. It's like, you know, cows farting are going to end the planet.
GUTFLED: Right.
HEGSETH: That's how -- not the Islamic or the Marxist.
GUTFLED: No, no, no.
HEGSETH: Or any other of the examples that you want to provide. When the left is so damn serious about it. But you -- but it looks like a joke. And it was (INAUDIBLE) your show to number one. That's why it's so cringey for everything -- everybody. It's like AOC is a serious thinker. The left think she is.
GUTFLED: I just -- you just made me think. Is -- why do cows fart so much?
Is it because they're lactose intolerant?
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFLED: That's why I don't drink.
HEGSETH: Do cows eat lactose?
GUTFLED: I don't know if they make it why don't -- that's right there. If you can reach it. Something I learned in grade school. Candace, so we celebrated three cringe worthy topics. We have the flag redesign, Colbert's musical theater, Joe Biden not doing math. Pick one that you find most cringe worthy.
CANDACE OWENS, FOX NEWS HOST: Oh, that's definitely going to be Colbert.
Like he just said something about him. He's just -- there's something maniacal like I always like just bubbling beneath the surface. Like he's going to have a mental breakdown. You know, we just -- he just -- he makes me very nervous. I never feel comfortable when he's doing that. There's something about him and I'm like he could wind up as a dateline episode.
I just -- Colbert, Colbert, I say that. Don't do anything to me. I had nothing bad to say about you. Leave me alone Colbert. But definitely him, so cringe worthy. And you should never have to try that hard to be funny.
GUTFLED: Yes.
OWENS: You know what I mean? Like he tries so hard and he misses the mark every time.
GUTFLED: See, I don't try hard. That's why I missed the mark. But you know what the thing is, what you're talking about, what is weird is a background in musical theater. Right? Think about everybody you know, that was somehow involved in musical theater. Where are they now, Kat? Where are they now?
They're probably living in your apartment.
TIMPF: I always had to be the narrator because I can't sing.
GUTFLED: Yes. I'd love to hear you sing.
TIMPF: You wouldn't.
GUTFLED: By the way, your dream is to be a dateline episode.
TIMPF: No. I mean --
GUTFLED: Or Forensic Files.
TIMPF: I don't want to be murdered. I am a little higher than that, Greg. I want to talk about the flag thing for a second.
GUTFLED: Sure.
TIMPF: Because I'm a little confused about it, honestly, because I, you know, read this article there's one of the flags that had something on to represent racism but I was confused because flags as I understand them, are things you wave around to be like yay, this, right? So isn't it more offensive if the flag is something bad? Like we don't put bad things on flags? There's no flag that's like moderate to severe black psoriasis? We don't have that flag.
GUTFLED: No, we don't. We don't. What is that?
TIMPF: I don't --
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFLED: It's like Picasso vomited.
TIMPF: Well, well, he probably did sometimes.
GUTFLED: Yes. Well, I would too if I was looking at those paintings. Tyrus, what are your thoughts?
TYRUS, FOX NATION HOST: First of all, bulls don't ride bulls. So let's just get out there.
GUTFLED: I have no idea what he means.
TYRUS: And there was a time in my life when being colorblind I was sad about it. But I've never been so happy to be colorblind after what I saw up there because I just saw a bunch of grays and greens and I was like, man, if I can see color I'd be throwing up right now. Second thing is you guys are wrong. They are telling the truth. It will cost you nothing because you will have nothing. You can't -- they're literally trying to attach child support.
GUTFLED: Yes.
TYRUS: As if we don't get enough, now you're going to taxes on that every time you give your kids money to go to the store some taxing like they're going -- so you literally won't be able to pay anything because you have nothing. So they're telling you the truth. They're just not telling you the real truth. But then that's how it works in progressive land, where everything's fuzzy and warm, and nothing costs anything because we're all in ninth place together.
And so you can't pay your bills. And we'll all live in modular homes together. So we'll all kind of be rich when we're not killing each other because there's no police around to keep us from trying to kill each other.
But yes, it's phenomenal. It's great.
GUTFLED: Yes. All right. We got to move on. By the way, you know, I read the entire spending bill.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFLED: True. Yes, no. I did -- I did --
OWENS: Where did you do that?
GUTFLED: I read a tweet. OK? I read a tweet about it. They're devoting $3 billion to tree equity. Tree equity because there's an inequality of trees in this country. So we have to bring up the equality of trees. $3 billion.
Foilage privilege.
HEGSETH: What's the least equal tree?
GUTFLED: I don't know. All I know is just more places to pee. Up next.
Living in this dorm makes racism the norm. That's next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFLED: All right. It's a university sequel to separate but equal. Woke campuses create a quandary separating students like their laundry, Western Washington University, home of the fighting feces, created segregating housing for black students this fall semester. And no, that's not a top story from 1954 when Nancy Pelosi was serving her eighth term, here's how they explained it during something called a webinar. Terrible.
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UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Giving students the opportunity to live in a shared space and a space with others who have a shared identity, specifically marginalized identity. This community is really meant to provide a safer space, a welcoming space and a space for black identify students to connect.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFLED: Rachel Dolezal, you hear that? You could have roomed with all the other white women who said they were black. According to that white woman, but our race split universities a triumph of diversity. It's called a welcoming space if you're black as if the other spaces where whites are around arms. Oh, that's a terrible, terrible signal. Stanford and Cornell have also adopted similar housing programs.
So leftists demand students be segregated just like the races that they once hated. So we figured why not resurrect other awful things from the past that we've long gotten rid of? For example, how about only men being allowed to vote? Well, come on. Frankly, everything went downhill when they change that. A sexist might say, how dare you applaud or laugh at that?
What about leeches to treat disease, huh?
I'm wearing a leech right now. It's why I never have to go to the bathroom.
It does pinch. So why not throw suspected witches in the water to see if they float? It's really a win-win. If they drowned, they're innocent and if they float, they become a co-host on Gutfeld.
TIMPF: (INAUDIBLE)
GUTFLED: Anyway, you know, since we're talking about segregation in race, I thought the expert here would be a skinny white girl.
TIMPF: Yes.
OWENS: Yes.
GUTFLED: So, what are your thoughts?
TIMPF: You're really going to be first? Yes, yes, yes. I am so qualified to be the leading voice of a generation on black issues. Look at me. Stop. No.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFLED: My argument is -- my arguments you have probably just as much expertise as the woman we were writing to in the webinar.
(CROSSTALK)
TIMPF: Was that -- it was hard to see, was that three white people on that panel?
GUTFLED: I think so. I couldn't tell.
TIMPF: Yes. It was three white people on that panel. Look, it's -- the official frequently asked questions on the Web site which I went to because I'm a very hard worker.
GUTFLED: Yes.
TIMPF: And it says no students required are banned from joining and it's like yes, yes, I would think you put that there because that would be illegal.
GUTFLED: Yes.
TIMPF: You can't do that. I mean, I'm not a lawyer. I didn't go to law school, sorry dad. He's here. But that will illegal.
GUTFLED: That -- so your dad is someone over there crying right now.
TIMPF: No. He doesn't cry, he's used to it.
GUTFLED: OK. Candace, could this be pushed by activists who are mostly white and seek -- not so secretly racist because they are pushing the -- maybe they don't want to be around black people.
OWENS: I, you know, I've done enough college campuses that I can officially say they're not racist. They are just that dumb. This is what happens when you rent -- they actually are proudly just that dumb I guess. But this is what happens when you rinse the schools apart academics and you replaced them with like CRT racial training. Let's all talk about diversity and inclusion and the transgender.
And so you actually get these college campuses, they don't know that it's just repackaging the same thing that happened. It's like driving around in your car, 15 minutes you get lost and you realize, wait, I'm right back where I started. This is the Democrats -- these are leftists they don't realize we know we want to be so anti-racist that we're just going to be racist. That's what we're going to do.
GUTFLED: Yes.
OWENS: And I'm wondering for the people that are in that dorm like you look up at a certain point and then you go, wait a second, we're -- this is a space a safe space for us just repackaging it and making it sound different? So is that what like Jim Crow law should have been? How do we make you oppress yourselves?
GUTFLED: Right.
OWENS: That's kind of the entire Democratic narrative right now. Push yourselves.
GUTFLED: And you don't learn anything. from other people. The other -- if you want to learn about different cultures, I totally for segregation if it's adults and children.
HEGSETH: We know that.
GUTFLED: Yes, yes.
HEGSETH: That's why you've never invited me over with the kids. Yes, it's like where do I put them? Anywhere you want.
GUTFLED: Yes.
HEGSETH: Sash them away.
GUTFLED: I'm shipping container out back.
HEGSETH: Yes. Whatever works. I thought you might go to me second, since after Kat is twittered says that Candace Owens says -- Candace Owens is a white supremacist.
GUTFLED: Yes, that's right.
(CROSSTALK)
HEGSETH: You know, it's all -- I mean, I thought you might go to be as the fifth generation Norwegian, who grew up in a town in north -- in Minnesota with all white people. But I'll tell you to your point, I benefited the world over by going to school, joining a basketball team, joining the military where I met everyone from every background, every race and learn from them. The Good, the bad, and the ugly and I learned about myself.
The last thing I needed was to go anywhere and be told OK, that's where the white kids are and that's where the black kids are. Tell me how that makes any part of our world better. And you're right. They're so lost in their own leftist thinking that it's like a bazooka Joe said have an open mind.
But don't let your brain fall out (INAUDIBLE) the great philosopher.
(CROSSTALK)
HEGSETH: And that's exactly what they've done.
GUTFLED: I love that you're quoting the rapper from bubblegum. You -- you know, I think your Fox News is premier intellectual.
HEGSETH: Thank you very much.
GUTFLED: Why don't they have you on that wall street show on the weekends?
HEGSETH: The Wall Street Journal Report?
GUTFLED: Yes.
HEGSETH: I don't qualify.
GUTFLED: (INAUDIBLE) has nothing on you. I believe that's his name.
HEGSETH: (INAUDIBLE)
GUTFLED: Tyrus, what are your thoughts on this? Do you have any thoughts on this?
TYRUS: You know, I think about my college experience and how important it was to be multicultural because usually the white kids had the car. So, you know, in my -- in my dorm, I was going -- I was out in the middle of nowhere. I mean the other brothers didn't have a pot to piss in. But we had the guy who was from the neighborhood down the hall. He had the van, so he was real popular.
Then we had the Asian kid, we went to him for math questions. The only -- then we had -- then we had a kid who came in, his name was a Messiah and he was from Afghanistan and I immediately felt sorry for him because I was like your parents named you Messiah? And you went to this college? Oh, they're pissed because a name like that the pressure must be terrible.
Messiah? I'm just Tyrus.
They didn't even give me a last name. So it -- but it was important for all of us. We needed each other. We have to work together.
GUTFLED: Yes.
TYRUS: You know, that was how college work is you've got to meet different people from different things. You change your mind. You came in thinking one way and you actually spent time with people and then you -- when you graduate although you can't afford get a job, but you do have a better understanding of what everyone else is like because you've all been broke together stuck in a room with a really jerk R.A. watching you.
GUTFLED: Yes.
TYRUS: We have to work together. So if you put a bunch of brothers in the same room together, we're going to be like, man, I'm going over the white boys. Bye. They got good food and someone's going to have a car.
GUTFLED: Yes. This is -- you just explained.
TYRUS: A car is important in college.
GUTFLED: No, but -- you know what, you just explained why there are so many more white serial killers than black serial killers. It's about the ban.
It's about the ban. We cracked so many cold cases here. We're like a guy who drinks beer. Up next.
TIMPF: Oh.
GUTFLED: Sorry. Was graffiti something to hide from terrorist plotting homicide?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Did our new Taliban treaty include cleaning up graffiti, yet the only thing generals planned was not offending the Taliban.
According to a report U.S. Marines departing the Kabul airport were told to erase graffiti they'd written insulting ISIS and the Taliban. It was especially the "yo mama" jokes. They were insulting to the goats.
Yes, as the back -- oh, we've offended the Taliban in their in their mother's charge evacuation was winding down. Marine were ordered to destroy equipment the military was leaving behind, although the sinks and showers could remain as the Taliban doesn't know how those, how they work those.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: No, they don't.
GUTFELD: And I don't even know how to say that joke. But the Washington Post reports they were also told to wash away the obscene messages and clean up debris before leaving. A marine spokesman said they were painted over and the trash was cleaned up to ensure debris didn't impact flights.
But it's not clear why the graffiti had to be removed. Maybe they were afraid we wouldn't get our deposit back. That same spokesman told us today, "I'd like to emphasize that no flights were canceled or delayed due any cleanup efforts being conducted."
Now painting over graffiti that insults the enemy? Seems like a weird priority. But what do the people who screwed up for 20 years know? It's important not to offend the Taliban or ISIS especially not ISIS-K, my least favorite breakfast cereal.
But I can relate wanting to erase graffiti. Someone painted this in the Fox bathroom when the show went five nights a week. Kill, Kilmeade, Kilmeade rules, Gutfeld droolz -- with a Z. I have no idea who wrote that but an anonymous source leaked this surveillance footage.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BRIAN KILMEADE, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Take that Gutfeld.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Candace, of all the bad, idiotic things that have been happening with the withdrawal, is this the worst?
CANDACE OWENS, CONSERVATIVE AUTHOR AND TALK SHOW HOST: It is. I think it's the most demeaning, you know, it's like this couldn't be worse. I wish there's so many jokes you could make if you weren't an American. You know what I mean? Like we're Americans, and it's just the idea that we've given them trillions of dollars, you know, over so many years and then we're going to say take all the weapons on the way out we're going to clean up for you?
You know, we don't we don't want to insult you so you know, have a good time. I mean, there's nothing more insulting and unfortunately, it feels like right now no one's paying any, any consequences for this. As you know, we're seeing at least that General Milley is admitting --
GUTFELD: Yes.
OWENS: Yes, we made a couple of blunders here.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: So demeaning, but also like, I completely agree -- so demeaning for the military, but also why am I now paying for a cleaning crew for the Taliban's airport with my tax dollars? Like, I, I already bought you guys a bunch of guns already bought you guys in Air Force, like who died and made me the Taliban sugar mama all of a sudden? I did not go to that Web site, right.
GUTFELD: That's one of the Web sites you haven't gone to. Tyrus, have you ever had? OK. You're giving me the what predictable question will Greg asked me about graffiti?
TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: You want to know if I did graffiti before? Is that what you want to know? Why, yes, Greg, back in the hood of the days. I was a graffiti artist.
GUTFELD: I can see in your eyes that he knew that I was going to go have you ever had the urge to tag anything?
TYRUS: No, not even on Instagram. I hope that our wonderful men and women service left them like one of those things you plant in the ground and says step here to clean wall. And that would be, you know, that would be phenomenal. Because it does two things --
GUTFELD: Yes.
TYRUS: It cleans it up. And they get to go to Allah, so it's phenomenal.
GUTFELD: Yes, it's an express train to heaven. So, you know, being the only veteran here, I was thinking -- isn't leaving graffiti. You're a veteran.
Isn't believing graffiti kind of like a tradition?
PETE HEGSETH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Absolutely. This reaffirms all my faith, faith and every grunt every infantryman in our in our country ever.
This is the most timeless tradition in the military. By the way, what wasn't meant -- what wasn't mentioned in there is next to F-ISIS and the Taliban was a giant penis.
GUTFELD: Why? Why --
HEGSETH: To any porta potty?
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: On any base, or any unit and you will find such artwork.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: If you want to know about the morale of the unit, go into the bathroom. You want to know about the commander, whether he's good or bad or how hot his wife is? Go into the porta potty. This is a tried and true tradition in the military, so I salute you Marines for doing that.
And of course, we have any Sergeant Majors out here any higher ranking, their job is to run around and tell everybody to clean things up.
GUTFELD: Right?
HEGSETH: It wasn't any intentional. Like let's make it look nice for the Taliban. It was the protocol of Marines who say we will clean this up How dare you?
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: Some grunt on the way out was like I'm leaving another giant one right here.
GUTFELD: You know it. All right, coming up, would you let a robot roam and watch you at home?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Is this Cyborg a keeper or aspiring Amazon creeper? Amazon has launched a new robot to look after your family and help with a household task. Good for you, Pete. Here it is.
Oh, that's not it. I'm joking. Here's the robot. I kid, I kid, I kid, I kid
-- no, here's the real deal. It's called Astro. It has three legs, 42-inch arm, a 10-inch touch screen and an A.I. camera that can recognize faces. If successful, the robot can be used to replace family members. Finally, God, I hate my family. It costs $999 which is 666 upside-down.
I will let you decide what that means. But I already bought my own robot that cost us 50 bucks.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Joe-bot 4000 come iron my shirt.
JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: Commencing ironing sequence.
DEVITO: Isn't this great? Joe-4000, let's change the mood.
MACHI: Pick from these subjects. Sperm counts continue to plummet worldwide. Gonorrhea is unchecked by antibiotics. And loneliness and depression has soared during the pandemic. Sequence completed.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: She actually, she actually left with the robot which is kind of amazing. You know, Tyrus, I have a theory. We need to make the robots cute so we don't beat it up. When it doesn't work. You can't beat up a cute robot.
TYRUS: You think I'm caring about a fuzzy robot spying on me in my man cave?
This is, this is a horrible idea. This is, this is another reason like parents, you got a parent. You got to watch them. They're going to manipulate the computer robot better than you could even want.
Literally one of my kids put buffering as his name and his own school learning. So, like geniuses, you little robots don't work and if eventually, and the wives who think this is a great way to spy on your husband to see what he's really doing in the garage or what he's really doing in his man cave, or it hide in the back of his truck. It's still going to be the same story.
GUTFELD: Yes. You know --
TYRUS: A cup of water.
GUTFELD: A cup of water.
TYRUS: One splash, no more robot.
GUTFELD: You do realize when the robots take over, they're going to remember this moment, they're going to like me because I've been defending them under Benedict, Benedict Arnold of humans.
HEGSETH: I know you are.
TYRUS: Once again, a cup of water.
GUTFELD: But they'll going to remember that. Pete, you have like, 37 kids, this seems like it could be very helpful for you.
HEGSETH: It's true. Although, I was going to go where Tyrus went. You think I'm going to know more about the robot than my kids? No chance. They will turn that on you so quick, and they'll use it all day long and they'll manipulate it to make sounds and do weird things. And then pretty soon what's useful to me? It can't even bring me a beer from the other. That's it -- I don't, that's why I have kids: bring me a beer from the other room.
GUTFELD: Now, it makes sense.
HEGSETH: I don't need a robot.
GUTFELD: So, you have like, you have like, I don't know, 12 kids so there's like -- they can, they're everywhere getting a beer.
HEGSETH: All day long, even Football Sunday.
GUTFELD: Yes. Oh my god.
HEGSETH: But I am with you that robots are. You've sort of converted me that robots are the scary.
GUTFELD: Yes, Candace, what do you think? Are you worried?
OWENS: Oh my gosh. I have so much to say about this. You have no idea. This has been a pet peeve of mine forever. I remember when Alexa was coming out.
I went to my girlfriend's house. And she's like, yes, I just got Alexa because it helps me turn the lights on. I'm like, are you so lazy that you actually don't understand. Obviously, Jeff Bezos woke up one day, the richest man in the world and said, I really would like to help you turn your lights off. Obviously, they're collecting data and listening to your conversations.
To me, it's so common sense. I'm like so paranoid about it that even I have a child, I won't even, the baby monitor, the new baby monitors or like they call the nest. It's super expensive. And it has Alexa. I don't know what Jeff wants to say to my baby in his crib but it's not going down. So, I have the old school Janky 90s one. That's like it's black and white. I'm like, that's good. If you're crying? Absolutely not. Not in my household.
GUTFELD: Sounds -- it sounds like this thing is more like a baby mama monitor.
TIMPF: Yes. Yes, I have the same --
GUTFELD: Fun with language. Go ahead.
TIMPF: I have the same concerns about you know, Amazon watching me in my home. But Amazon already knows a lot of incriminating stuff about me. Like what I order on Amazon, and when, there's no conspiracy there, so I feel like it's already too late for all of us.
GUTFELD: That's why join us, join the robot overlords. Save yourself before it's too late. Because I'm not going to help you. I'm with them. I'm with them. Not with you guys. You guys are over.
HEGSETH: I'm with you now.
GUTFELD: Me and Pete, we're going to, we're going to open up a robot bed and breakfast. Up next, lucky for you, it's Tom Shillue.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: You know him as the angry white male, an old Joe Biden, but you do know that he's also a comedian? You wouldn't know it. Just kidding. give a big round of applause for our dear friend, Tom Shillue.
TOM SHILLUE, COMEDIAN: Thank you. I love you guys. I love a big crowd with uncovered faces. Good to see you. We're in a moment of extreme caution in this country, aren't we? That's not the way we grew up. We thought we were safe. We probably weren't. Remember those rides in the family car in the backseat. No seatbelts. Seatbelts highly optional in the 1970s.
Yes, you know, dad took a right you just slide over to the left. Take a left you slide back, it worked. It worked. We were less safe or less sensitive in the 70s. If you want to know about the sensitivity level of the 1970s look at the advertising. Look at the commercials. We had the Frito Bandito the most politically incorrect spokesman in the history of salted snacks.
For those too young to remember, the Frito Bandito was a three-and-a-half- foot tall Mexican thief. He would come into town with guns blazing, steal your fritos. Eat them while you watch. Then he would lean against the tree pull his sombrero over his eyes and take a nap. They would never get away with that today. Can you imagine the guy suggesting that at the ad agency today? It'd be like OK, your concept, the Frito Bandito.
Phil, you don't work here anymore. You got to go to HR right now. All the commercials were insensitive. You remember the detergent? How do you keep my husband shirts so clean? Ancient Chinese secret, gong. Really. Some of them were violent. Remember that a Hawaiian punch? Every commercial was the same. They'd be kids on the playground. I'm thirsty. I don't know where this Hawaiian would walk in and punch the kid directly in the face.
And it wasn't a fun little tap. It was a full on; he would clock the kid was an unconscious child on the playground. Everyone celebrating: yay, Hawaiian punch. Timmy's in a coma. The jingles were politically incorrect.
Remember that the hotdogs arm or hot dogs? What kind of kids eat arm or hotdogs? Fat kids? Yes, fat kids. Kids, they listed all the children of the world.
Start with the fat kids. Was there a discussion about that? They actually start with the fat kids, definitely. That's our customer base. Secure the fatties, move on from there. Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on the rocks. It's an extremely specific demographic there, right? Tough kids, sissy kid they said kids, and they showed a sissy kid. Holding a hot dog bawling his eyes, I don't want to be the sissy kid. Well, you're good at it cry baby. Even kids with? Chickenpox.
Wow, that's appetizing. Even kids with chickenpox. Look, I did not go to copywriting school, but I'm pretty sure rule number one is don't associate your product with a communicable disease. You guys are great. Thank you so much.
GUTFELD: Tom Shillue, everyone. We will be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thanks to Candace Owens, Pete Hegseth, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, Tom Shillue and our Nashville studio audience. See you tomorrow. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.
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