Gutfeld on late-night comedy’s response to the election

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Gutfeld on late-night comedy’s response to the election

The entertainment industry has endlessly bashed the Trump presidency; reaction and analysis on 'The Five'

Nov. 17, 2020 – This is a rush transcript from “The Five” November 17, 2020. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

JUAN WILLIAMS, FOX NEWS HOST (on camera):  Hello, everyone. I'm Juan Williams along with Kennedy, Jesse Watters, Dana Perino, and Greg Gutfeld.

It's 5:00 in New York City. This is THE FIVE. Big tech on trial today, the heads of Facebook, Twitter, clashing with senators in a contentious hearing. Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg facing a barrage of questions over allegations of censorship and election interference.

A big focus was on the social media giants blocking a New York Post story about Hunter Biden just before the election. Take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEO TAPE)

UNKNOWN:  If you are not a newspaper at Twitter or Facebook, then why do you have editorial control over the New York Post? That to me seems like you are the ultimate editor.

UNKNOWN:  You do realize that by taking down that story you could but probably gave it more prominence and more visibility than it ever would've gotten had you left it alone.

UNKNOWN:  We realize that, and we recognize it as a mistake.

(END VIDEO TAPE)

WILLIAMS (on camera):  And Senator Josh Hawley pressing Mark Zuckerberg on a whistleblower complaint alleging Facebook coordination with Twitter and Google on censorship.

(BEGIN VIDEO TAPE)

UNKNOWN:  What particularly intrigues me is that the platform reflects censorship input from Google and Twitter as well. So Facebook, as I understand it, Facebook's censorship teams communicate with their counterparts at Twitter and Google and then enter those company suggestions for censorship onto the task platform so that Facebook can then follow up with them and effectively coordinate their censorship efforts.

Mr. Zuckerberg, let me ask you directly under oath now. Does Facebook coordinate its content moderation policies or efforts in any way with Google or Twitter?

UNKNOWN:  We do coordinate on -- and share signals on security related topics, but I think it's important to be very clear that that is the statement (ph) from the content moderation policies that we or the other policies have.

(END VIDEO TAPE)

WILLIAMS (on camera):  And Senator Ted Cruz going after his Democratic colleagues.

(BEGIN VIDEO TAPE)

UNKNOWN:  There was a time when Democrats embraced and defended the principles of free speech. There was a time where Democrats embraced and defended of a free press. And yet, there is an absolute silence from Democrats speaking up for the press outlets censored by big tech.

(END VIDEO TAPE)

WILLIAMS (on camera):  So Jesse, what did you think? I mean, there was so much there, but let me just try to hone in a little bit. Normally, conservatives, you know, preach free market lobbyists --

(CROSSTALK)

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS HOST:  Don't put us in a box, Juan.

WILLIAMS:  OK. But I'm saying that has been -- typically it's conservative orthodoxy. So now, you have here a situation where you have people saying wait a minute. That Hunter Biden story got more attention because the social media outlets said it was hacked and we've got questions --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS:  I'm not so sure about that, but carry on.

WILLIAMS:  So what do you think?

WATTERS:  Here's what I think. I want to know what these guys are taking before these hearings, Zuckerberg, Dorsey. What kind of of pills are these guys being given. They are completely tranquilized. Next time I'm going in a big meeting where I'm going to get my head head blown off, I want one of those things. Pop a big tech  and then and go and just --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS:  We are working on that.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS:  Thank you. I needed one on November 4th. Here's what I think.

When you combine big tech with big media, what that does is big tech makes someone like Biden bullet proof, and then the big media, I think, attacks Trump, what, 95 percent of the time. So then you gave the Democratic nominee for president, you give him a shield to protect himself.

WILLIAMS:  Is this the Hunter Biden story?

WATTERS:  Yes. And then you give him a source in the big media to attack his opponent with. And so they are basically untouchable. I mean, any Democrat with that kind of protection has to win every time, and they need that type of help because they're not talented to win it on their own. If you look at the donations that are coming out of Silicon Valley.

Joe Biden and big tech, they were the top donor to his campaign, 95 percent of the donations coming out of Silicon Valley went to Joe Biden, through the super pacs and the individual donations. So Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, they owe big tech. You don't give that kind of money to a politician and not expect special access, special favors.

So when they're going to get in there, they're already going to write the rules, and that's why his transition team is loaded up with Silicon Valley executives. And the minute they smell some regulation coming out of the House or the Senate, those lobbyists are just going to lather up these politicians with donations, take them on hunting trips, put their spouses on boards, that's how it goes down.

WILLIAMS:  Allow me to move on.

WATTERS:  Please.

WILLIAMS:  I hear your point.

WATTERS:  I have more.

WILLIAMS:  I'm sure you have more because you come well prepared.

WATTERS:  Thank you, Juan.

WILLIAMS:  Deep dive is the right thing --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS:  could go deeper.

WILLIAMS:  All right. Dana, on any given day --

(CROSSTALK)

LISA KENNEDY MONTGOMERY, FOX NEWS HOST:  Jacques Cousteau.

WILLIAMS:  What were you saying?

MONTGOMERY:  Jacques Cousteau.

WILLIAMS:  Jacques Cousteau. It's no scuba diving, no, you know with him you got to go really --

WATTERS:  Now, you're embarrassing me.

WILLIAMS:  OK, all right. Dana, on any given day, Facebook, Twitter are, you know, according to all the metrics, dominated by conservatives, Ben Shapiro, Dan Bongino, Charlie Kirk. So how serious are we supposed to take these claims of censorship?

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS HOST:  Well, seriously enough that these guys have been called up to testify, I think, three times this year in for 2020, which -- my concluding point of my comments was going to where is this going but I'll start with that. So you're watching these things and it almost feels like the same hearing every single time.

So they get the tranquilizer dart out, they show up, except where I thought it was interesting today that Google didn't come. And I don't know if there

--

(CROSSTALK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST:  Did you search for them?

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO:  Amazing comeback. But YouTube has also been accused of bias against conservative amongst other things and not taking down videos like the Andy Parker, the father of Allison who was, you know, killed on live television. That video is still up, and he has asked YouTube to take it down. They won't take it down. They said they have reasons not to.

There are lots of these laws, but I wonder where this is going. You could see the possibility of something like a Josh Hawley and Elizabeth Warren maybe getting to the same conclusion of what they want to have happen with these companies, but for very different reasons. I do think that content decisions have hurt conservatives in some cases.

Let me give you one example. John James, who was the Republican Senate candidate in Michigan, you know, he lost but not by much. There was an ad that the Democrats cut about him talking about health care. And they cut it deceptively. They edited it so that it looked like he was -- basically didn't care about pre-exisitng conditions.

Twitter wouldn't take it down. They wouldn't label it, so then it spread everywhere. And the TV networks then in Michigan started using it, and it wasn't fair. Like, Twitter is quick to label something deceptive on the Republican side, or it feels that way. And so that's what they were trying to get at today.

Also, (Inaudible) the senator from Hawaii suggested that because Media Matters has done a report suggesting that there is no bias against conservatives on social media that we are all supposed to take that very seriously. And the last thing I will say is Twitter has -- and Facebook have done this extended ad ban after the election.

But now, you have these elections in Georgia, the run-offs. So now, the Democrats are mad because they get fundraising through their Facebook ads.

WILLIAMS:  OK.

PERINO:  Nobody is making much sense, I don't think, on Capitol Hill on either side.

WILLIAMS:  All right. So Greg, some conservatives are calling for, you know, moves to new platforms, move away from these platforms, create what I think of as safe spaces for conservatives, right? But I was thinking to myself that might be doomed to fail because then you wouldn't have liberals to argue with and even to beat up on.

GUTFELD:  Well, I created my own -- I guess, I didn't really message for it on locals because I didn't want to be canceled. So I have a wall there, and you could call it a safe space. But actually, it allows me to say whatever the F I want. So it ain't no safe space for the people over there. It just prevents people from trying to destroy my life, which is what they do on Twitter.

I want to go off on what you said. You said you think they are on drugs. I just want to know why the most powerful people currently in the world look so odd. I mean, here on one side, you got father time. And the other one, you got a shaved of gerbil. I mean, these are people that are basically controlling our lives. I mean, I look at what's his name, Jack, his beard?

I mean, that's got to be where the suspended tweets go. I mean, I think if you were to look for Hunter Biden, 90 percent of the time, it is in that beard, incredible. The big concern, I think, for me is that we've already given up on academia, entertainment, and media. It's all overwhelmingly left. Every study shows 90 percent liberal.

If -- are we willing to now give up on these social platforms, right? When you look at these studies and you mention one, I think Dana or the study of midterm political contributions of $200 or more. For Netflix, 99.6 percent went to Democrats, right? Twitter, 98.7 percent, Google 96 percent. So what happens is when you're dealing with people who are that bias, they are more welcome to suppressing other opposing political opinions.

Generally, if you're the middle of the road, you can deal with both. But when you are 99 percent, you're not going to let anybody there. And that answers you question on why all of the policing of problematic tweets goes one way. Because if you are 99 percent left, you don't see any problem with the problematic tweets, the lies, and the disinformation coming in the direction that you enjoy.

But anybody else, you've got to stamp that out. So that's the problem, I have no solutions.

WILLIAMS:  We appreciate your perspective.

GUTFELD:  do you really?

WILLIAMS:  There we go. There we go. OK, so Kennedy, you know, I'm listening and I'm thinking to myself, boy, social media can be poisonous. I see bullying. I see misinformation, outright lies. I see profanity. I don't like it. So I'm thinking is it too late to un-ring this bell? Are we just captives of social media in this age?

MONTGOMERY:  Yes. Until we actually go live in the shire, we are captives.

The only thing that's going to hasten the demise of social media, and this may be the sweetest karmic thing about it is 15-year-old girls. I happen to have birthed one. And I live with her, and I listen to her conversations with her friends. And they think that Facebook is for really old people.

And Twitter is for middle aged people, who in their minds, very old people.

And even Instagram is on its way out. And right now, Snapchat is the big thing. But can you imagine an industry this big whose demise would be hastened by teenage girls? Imagine if the oil industry were going to completely collapse upon itself because a bunch of 14-year-olds are, like, I don't know?

Why is gas even a thing? Those are the kind of conversations we have. Also, beware consensus because that may also be very detrimental when you have Elizabeth Warren and Ted Cruz who hate your industry equally. You could be in deep yogurt.

WILLIAMS:  All right. Coming up next, huge developments in the Georgia recount, as President Trump's lawyers brace for a big legal battle in Pennsylvania, next on THE FIVE.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO (on camera):  A Trump campaign legal challenge playing out in federal court in Pennsylvania today. The president's lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, trying to block certifying results there by claiming the mail-in voting system was unconstitutional, and that comes as Georgia officials say they found more than 2,600 uncounted ballots, handing President Trump another

800 votes.

But Joe Biden is still ahead by 13,000. The Trump campaign that what happened in in Georgia is why election challenges need to go forward.

(BEGIN VIDEO TAPE)

UNKNOWN:  This hand recount in Georgia where all of a sudden they have found 2,600 additional votes, that's 2,600 Georgians who almost didn't have their voice heard in the presidential election. This is another step toward us to be able to make sure that this is a free and fair election that we can trust the results.

(END VIDEO TAPE)

PERINO (on camera):  All right. Let's take it around, Kennedy.

MONTGOMERY:  We have to do something. And I'm not just talking about this race. People should be confident that their votes are going to be counted, that they're not going to be accidentally lost. And I do not think these challenges are going to undo the results of this presidential election. But there is too much weirdness in too many states. And Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan, lock it up, sorry.

PERINO:  Lock it up. Lock her up. All right, Juan Williams, what do you have?

WILLIAMS:  Well, I just think you guys can easily write me off. You know, he is not a Trump fan. That's why he's downplaying these things. So I thought, you know what, I'm going to say here is a conservative lawyer, Jay Christian Adams. He was on Fox yesterday. And he said that the bottom line, the Trump's legal team needs proof and they don't have it.

Here's Andy McCarthy, someone we all know well, former U.S. attorney.

You're not getting anywhere with a claim about a few votes that won't change the election outcome. Here is Chris Krebs, who's Trump's guy leading the cybersecurity for the U.S. government. He said 59 election experts agree. Fraud claims are unsubstantiated in this election.

Of course, Karl Rove, Robert O'Brien, the national security adviser, all say this election is not going to be changed. So I think this is a charade.

WATTERS:  I will see that, and I will raise you Stacey Abrams, Al Gore, and the New York Times, and Jimmy Carter who both said that there is a lot of fraud with mail-in ballots. I'm looking at the Georgia situation too, and it looks really screwy. They're finding ballots that weren't counted in the machines. All of a sudden, there was a Project Veritas video out, guys saying they are counting Trump votes for Biden.

It's on tape. And now, you can't even match the signatures because they threw the envelopes away. And then few counties are not even doing hand recounts. So it's very suspicious, and you just had a case in Texas, woman hit with 134 indictments for voter fraud. She was actually falsely registering senior citizens at a home to get their naked ballots and then fill them out erroneously.

Same thing happened in LA County, 41 counts of voter fraud there. Two guys did the same thing, except with homeless people. You don't do that because you love Joe Biden or you love to cheat. You do that because you're getting paid to do it by someone, and that's how these things happen in these big city Democrat machines.

PERINO: All right, the last word to you, Greg?

GUTFELD:  Naked ballots.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD:  Look, you know, I think it's irrelevant if it changes the election or not. It's, like, it was irrelevant if you called Arizona and it turned out Arizona won. It wasn't about being right or wrong. It's about can you trust the process and are you disrespecting the voters, which is what Kennedy said at the beginning.

This is about whether somebody's counting your votes or not. I don't think my vote's been counted. I voted in New York. And from what I've heard, millions of votes haven't been counted yet which is interesting. I heard millions of votes haven't been counted yet, which is interesting. But the other argument is that somehow undermining democracy, which is hilarious given the last four years that we've gone through.

The Democrats accusing Trump of undermining democracy after their four year escapade is like Ted Bundy criticizing your table manners. They have turned this whole thing upside down. So I think you guys could probably just indulge Trump's administration and the Republicans a couple of weeks. It's only been two weeks to just run the court, kick the tires.

We should do this once in a while, especially since mail-in voting will probably be a huge part of all future elections so let's use this opportunity. And lastly, they are claiming there is no cheating. And then on the other side of their mouth, they are talking about Californians coming to Georgia to help influence the Georgia election. If you are going to travel a thousand or -- how many miles is it between?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD:  Twenty five hundred miles to influence an election, because it's a moral crusade? You are going to cheat. Yeah, you will. You will cheat. Of course, you are going to cheat. If you're going to travel 2,500 --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS:  You think that is real? Come on.

GUTFELD:  I believe everything I hear.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO (on camera):  All right, Democrats' COVID hypocrisy on full display, a new report says California lawmakers are taking a lavish trip to Hawaii

while the state faces strict lockdown orders, and that's just one example.  

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WATTERS:  More lockdown hypocrisy from Democratic leaders as states ramp up restrictions and shutdowns. California lawmakers are reportedly going to Hawaii for a week, while the state imposes new restrictions on 94 percent of residents. Then there is governor Gavin Newsom apologizing for breaking his own COVID rules by going to a fancy french restaurant.

(BEGIN VIDEO TAPE)

UNKNOWN:  I made a bad mistake. Instead of sitting down, I should have stood up. I got home then, and so I want to apologize to you because I need to preach and practice, not just preach.

(END VIDEO TAPE)

WATTERS (on camera):  But you know who is not apologizing, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. Watch.

(BEGIN VIDEO TAPE)

UNKNOWN:  We will have make mistakes in life. We try not to but we do. The key is to be strong and secure enough to admit your mistakes and admit your shortcomings. Don't get defensive. Denying the mistake only assures repeating the mistake.

(END VIDEO TAPE)

WATTERS (on camera):  All right, Greg, so if your state re-locks down big time, who can afford to fly to Hawaii? Well, the people with a lot of cash.

GUTFELD:  One great thing about the lockdown is that it reveals why people get into politics in the first place to become immune from the policies that they put on us. Think about, like, think about war. Like, if your dad is a powerful politician, you probably won't get drafted if we had a draft, or maybe you would be able to get in an interest-free loan for a house.

Or maybe you just get a really cushy job somewhere because your dad can pull some strings. But we don't know about that stuff because, you know, politics, they place a wall between the public and the secret power that they hold. And that's one of the neat things about Trump was that he pulled that wall away. You learned about Hunter Biden. So the lockdowns revealed the hypocrisies of Newsom, Lori Lightfoot, Chris Cuomo --

MONTGOMERY:  Andrew Cuomo.

GUTFELD:  Andrew Cuomo. I was thinking of Chris. They both -- no. But you violating the rules that you place on others, you can't do that anymore because we all see it.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS:  Yeah. Dana, like Greg said, it's tough when you see these people egregiously violating the lockdowns that they have posed --

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO:  So my mom sent me a note just a moment ago, and she's not mad about it that Colorado is locking down again. They have a situation. But the governor there, Governor Polis, hasn't done anything like this. Like, he really has practiced what he preached. And I think, you know, his approval rating is pretty high because of it.

I also think that -- just do the right thing for you and your family and your health. Don't think that the government is going to do it for you.

WATTERS:  I just feel bad for all these small businesses, Juan. They had recovered from the lockdowns over the summer. We're just getting back up under their feet. And then in places like Michigan, shutting everything down again.

WILLIAMS: It's pretty clear the only way we get the economy rolling again is to get the virus under control. But, you know, I think you should call out politicians who behave in a hypocritical manner. I think they really hurt themselves and hurt their credibility, so that is their fault. But I do think, and I said this yesterday. These are the right policies.

These are good policies. And they shouldn't distract, but their misbehaving shouldn't distract from the idea that we have to protect ourselves and our families. To me that, that's a reality. Just yesterday, I read something, came from a Mississippi newspaper, Mississippi top officials. So these are Republicans, Jesse. We do not want to see grandma at thanksgiving and bury her at Christmas. That's pretty serious.

WATTERS:  Are you going to have grandma over for thanksgiving?

MONTGOMERY:  We're having a very distanced thanksgiving where everyone -- I'm going to the dollar tree and everyone is going to  have their own utensils. Like, no one will touch anything. I come a family of germaphobes so we're all pretty good with this. You know, we really don't want to talk to each other. So this is par for the course. But what I will say is California lawmakers who are going to Maui. It's a beautiful resort. Like, I would love to go to the (Inaudible). Rooms start at $600 a night.

It's on this incredible strip. It's like one of the best parts of Hawaii.

Why wouldn't they want to go? So, yes, we all want to go. We all want to go somewhere. So, why don't you have a big rethink on this? Why do you think that you are immune from the virus and we have to be punished because we're the dumb little dirt people. We are dumb little dirt people who would also like to frolic in the Hawaiian sand. Thank you.

WATTERS: Wow. Dumb little dirt people. That's us. Coming up, late-night comedy has been an anti-Trump hate fest for years. So, what are they going to do now? Greg's monologue on that next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: The Web site Deadline performed an autopsy on late night comedies run under Trump revealing the pathetic bubble the entertainment industry lives in. One showrunner said, after Trump, we deserve to have some frivolity, as if they didn't have enough. That's like Chris Cuomo saying he needs a bigger ego.

Yet to them, writing anti-Trump yucks is as grueling as fighting fires or terrorists. What small people with huge blind spots. Before COVID, we had the strongest economy in modern history. After COVID, were coming back. But we also had no new wars and peace was breaking out all over which left is like Colbert or others should applaud. But they couldn't because the emotional trauma they experienced from a Trump personality mattered more than the real-world benefits of Trump's actual accomplishments.

Who cares if young adults didn't die in combat or if household income rose by the thousands or if everyone got a job? Trump's kept Noah awake all night. Another writer moaned that post-Trump, she's looking forward to a diversity of thought, which means two thoughts. I hate Trump and I really miss hating Trump. I guess there weren't other things to laugh at.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Why aren't I 50 points ahead, you might ask?

SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN (D-MA): What do the facts say?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The facts suggest that you absolutely have a Native American ancestor in your pedigree.

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT-ELECT OF THE UNITED STATES: We choose truth over facts.

REP. NANCY PELOSI (D-CA): This is something you can get through the mail.

Chocolate and then we have some other chocolate here.

RACHEL MADDOW, HOST, MSNBC: This guy Kilimnik keeps turning up again and again. Konstantin Kilimnik, Konstantin Kilimnik, Konstantin Kilimnik.

CHRIS CUOMO, ANCHOR, CNN: This was the actual swab that was being used.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: No humor to be found there. Hell, my producer put that together in minutes, what four teams of late-night producers couldn't do in four years.

But I guess those targets hit too close to home and their paychecks. So, these elitist whiners who despise the president that put fewer body bags at our doorstep and more cash in your wallet are now relieved.

They need frivolity not because they experienced any harm trumped into the country. Trump put an owie on their psyches, and that's the biggest joke of all.

So, I'm excited, Dana. President Obama is going to be on Kimmel this week.

I wonder who's going to get the rose?

PERINO: Or what he'll reveal. I think it's pretty interesting. The Barack Obama book I'm surprised it's created no buzz. Nothing. Like there's no big news stories out or there are no big revelations.

GUTFELD: Stick to the topics, Dana. We're bashing late-night comedies.

PERINO: OK. Well, I wanted to point out that apparently even the far-left is really disappointed in the -- what's his name -- Jim Carrey's characterization of Biden or impersonation. They say, it's not funny because they said like, it's just hero worship and they're bored by it.

GUTFELD: Yes. Jesse, I love how they pretend there was nothing else to poke fun of, you know.

WATTERS: Well, I mean, Trump was pretty funny, Greg. He tried to buy Greenland.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: I mean, he bought --

GUTFELD: He should have bought it.

WATTERS: He bought the Clemson Football Team $5,000 worth of fast food. I mean, he met with Kim Jong-un twice. I mean, the guy was a content machine.

But it wasn't just that, he brought a whole cast of characters.

HAYES: Right.

WATTERS: Remember The Mooch?

GUTFELD: Yet.

WATTERS: You had Kellyanne, you had Sarah Sanders coming in, you had Melania. You had a whole team of people. Whose Biden bringing in, Hunter?

They won't even go there.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: I mean, you can make some funny jokes about Kamala kind of conniving in the background. It's not that funny. I think Trump made late- night comedy great again. But THE FIVE still beats all those guys in the ratings.

GUTFELD: Of course.

WATTERS: And we don't even have writers.

GUTFELD: No, we don't.

WATTERS: Imagine how funny I would be if I had a writer. I mean, I might have to look into that.

GUTFELD: All right, so one, they are looking forward to diversity. Are they responsible for the lack of diversity in the first place?

WILLIAMS: Well, I think if you clearly making fun of Trump, there's not much diversity in Trumpism. But anyway, I do think the big problem here is that Biden comes across to me at least as a normal guy. I mean, that you can -- he's on the Amtrak train and the night. He's a guy -- you were talking about big politician.

WATTERS: That was 20 years ago, Juan.

WILLIAMS: Well, that's not 20 -- I've seen him on the train this year, so I mean --

MONTGOMERY: I rode the Amtrak with him last year. I got a selfie with him.

He was shocked. He wanted to get away from me as best as he can.

WILLIAMS: But you were talking about, you know, big-time politicians who use their influence, but his son went to war, went to Afghanistan, right? I mean, he suffered a loss in his life. So, I think the problem is, he's boring that he's normal. He's like a normal guy. And for a comedian, normal is not funny. What Jesse just laid out was a lot of stuff that you could make fun of even if you were a Trump fan.

GUTFELD: So, that's the problem is that Joe Biden is so normal that you can't possibly make fun of him. There's nothing there, Kennedy, to make fun of.

WILLIAMS: You know what the funniest presidential impression was probably in the history of SNL other than Darrell Hammond doing Clinton? Chevy Chase doing Gerald Ford.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MONTGOMERY: Because he didn't try and look like him. He didn't try and sound like him. He just -- he just made him seem kind of dumb because he was very ordinary average president. And that's what made it so hysterical.

The thing that offends me most about the late-night writing over the last four years is it has been so unimaginative, and it has been the same joke rewritten and delivered with the same contempt in the same way. And there have been no boundaries that have been pushed here.

And that's why, for a lot of these shows, people have moved on to other content. People are more excited about what they can binge-watch on Netflix than they are about, you know what Colbert said last night, because most people just don't care because they have rendered themselves irrelevant by this redundancy in their humor.

And I think it's going to be very bad news for organizations, not just late-night, but New York Times Digital and MSNBC and other places that have seen the ratings and subscribership quadrupled during the Trump era. It could implode. So, what is their answer for that going to be?

GUTFELD: Well, as bad as late-night TV is, it's still funnier than Ben Stiller. Would you agree? It's still funny than Ben Stiller.

PERINO: I feel I would want to see Ben Stiller.

GUTFELD: No, Ben Stiller is the least funny person alive, right?

PERINO: Yes. What's he even doing now?

GUTFELD: I don't even know. Is he still in the entertainment industry?

PERINO: I don't know. I haven't seen him in a long time.

GUTFELD: I mean, I've heard Ben Stiller is still around. Is he doing infomercials?

PERINO: Maybe. Like, on --

MONTGOMERY: Reverse mortgages, actually.

GUTFELD: Yes, he's doing reverse. Yes, exactly. All right, don't go anywhere. "THE FASTEST SEVEN" is up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

MONTGOMERY: Welcome back. It is time for "THE FASTEST SEVEN." And first up.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There it is.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

MONTGOMERY: That's right, Russ. Americans channeling their inner Clark Griswold earlier than usual this year. Pandemic fatigue is apparently causing people to start decorating weeks before we've even carved up the Thanksgiving bird. Some companies are reporting Americans are already buying trees.

Dana, I'm just fine with this. My girls declare November 1st. That 2020 has been so horrible, we're having two months of Christmas.

GUTFELD: Nice.

PERINO: Well, I have a friend named Shannon whose husband has basically blown out their entire house. The front of the house is all the Santas and the thing. I think it's good. What I think people should do, just keep up -

- leave your Halloween decorations and your Thanksgiving decorations and Christmas and just combine them all for two months.

MONTGOMERY: Thanks, Hallo-Christmas. Juan, you have grandkids. So, how are they feeling about this?

WILLIAMS: They're all in. I'm the old fogy here because, I mean, you know, like, last year, I complained that my favorite XM station all of a sudden was Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. This year, they started at the first of November. I'm like, wow.

But you know, I agree with you and Dana. If it makes people happy in the midst of these trying times, go for it. Be happy.

MONTGOMERY: Yes. We could have something to look forward to. That's the one things kids have right now. Because they're not seeing their friends, they're not playing sports, they're not going to school. They still have all the work, but none of the joy. So, are you going to be a Grinch here or are you pretty excited?

WATTERS: Yes, I'm going to be a Grinch. I'm a stickler with it. I say -- I say decorations go up after Thanksgiving, and then they come down at the end of January at the latest.

PERINO: End of January?

WATTERS: Yes. People like to leave their trees -- I know, I take my tree down like January 2nd or 3rd. You got to give people a little breathing room.

PERINO: OK, all right.

WATTERS: I know. Not everybody is prestigious as us, Dana.

PERINO: All right.

MONTGOMERY: Greg?

GUTFELD: I'm not putting myself up for this Christmas. I'm putting it up for next Christmas. That's how hardcore I am. I'm doing Christmas 2021 starting November 1st. By the way, we have to be really worried about the industry that no one is talking about which is the mistletoe industry which largely comes out of Oregon.

Here we have an industry that has been plagued by MeToo, right? MeToo just destroyed mistletoe. And now you can't -- who's going to make out with a mask? It's almost impossible. Plus, you don't know if there's anything there.

By the way, do you know how you get mistletoe out of a tree? Shotguns.

That's how they get mistletoe. Mistletoe is parasitic. It lives off the tree.

PERINO: For real?

GUTFELD: Yes. And you shoot it with a shotgun.

MONTGOMERY: God, I love Oregon.

WATTERS: You should send some subsidies to the mistletoe industry in Oregon.

MONTGOMERY: Yes, you should.

WATTERS: You know, maybe slap some tariffs on them.

PERINO: In that new to COVID relief bill, you just might, $3.4 trillion.

WATTERS: Yes. I would squeeze that in there.

MONTGOMERY: Why don't we -- why don't we send a barge full of nightwalkers and some mistletoe to Alaska to the boys up there who needed most? Well, the pandemic has turned us into a nation of couch potatoes. Americans have spent nearly 500 hours sitting on their keisters, on their sofas since March. Seven in 10 people say shutdowns have caused them to think of their couch as their new best friend.

All right, we're on our way to completely dehumanizing ourselves when we meld together with the BarcaLounger.

PERINO: So, I started -- my new year's resolution last January was to do something for my posture every day. And I usually do -- I usually do that after I get -- when I get home. So, I'm -- there's always something to do some sort of activity before I hit the couch.

MONTGOMERY: Yes. Because -- I mean --

PERINO: But I still hit the couch.

MONTGOMERY: It's like a catcher's mitt for a lot of people now. It's like, come on.

GUTFELD: Something stinks about this story, because it's a story that like the media --

MONTGOMERY: Because you sit on your couch after your bowl of beans?

GUTFELD: No. It's because people are like -- what else are they going to do? OK, so the media -- this story was on every show, right? And basically, what the media -- it's a reflex immediate to look down on the public no matter what they do. So, if you go outside and have a good time, you're a murderer. But if they stay inside, you're a fat pig.

WILLIAMS: Oh, my God.

GUTFELD: So that's -- no, that's exactly -- it's exactly -- you can't do anything right.

WATTERS: Can I say something? I feel like the American culture like the couch before COVID, right? Are we the only country that adores couches?

PERINO: We have the best couches.

WATTERS: Only the best.

PERINO: Yes, we really do. I mean, if you -- couches in England, thumbs down.

WATTERS: Why? Why are they --

PERINO: I don't know. Like, they're expensive and they're tiny.

GUTFELD: They're small. They're tiny, they're small, they smell, they're damp.

MONTGOMERY: Sweden, good couches, though. IKEA, right?

WILLIAMS: Well, look, if we're on the couch, I just hope you're watching Fox.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

MONTGOMERY: Oh, Juan. That's a way to bring home.

GUTFELD: You never couch your word.

MONTGOMERY: There you go.

MONTGOMERY: You can still spoon on a couch, by the way. Finally, they say age is nothing but a number. But now, we have definitive proof on when people say they start to feel past their prime. The new study says the number is 47. Dana, we're hosed.

PERINO: I am starting -- yes. I'm trying to feel that but I'm looking for a book on aging gracefully, if anybody has a recommendation.

GUTFELD: It's called The Plus.

MONTGOMERY: Oh, my podcast, it would be about aging courtesy of sex robots.

PERINO: Wait, what? Is that a book?

MONTGOMERY: It's going to be a game-changer. No, it's going to be my podcast. Maybe it will be a book. Maybe it will be so good. Jesse, how old are you?

WATTERS: 42.

MONTGOMERY: Oh, you've got five years until --

WATTERS: I thought I was getting old because I have this elbow pain, right?

I thought it was from working out.

MONTGOMERY: I'm not a doctor.

WATTERS: Apparently, I've been sleeping incorrectly. When I go like this with my pillow, I go like that. And then I wake up in the morning, my elbow really hurts. I thought it was from the gym. No, it's because I slept on it.

PERINO: Yes, it's not the gym.

WATTERS: Dana, maybe it is the gym.

MONTGOMERY: That's when you know you're getting old.

GUTFELD: Maybe it's Jim.

MONTGOMERY: But you -- you're the only person I know who's lost weight during quarantine. What's going on?

GUTFELD: Because I knew that if I didn't do something, I would get really big. But I also don't buy this. The prime of your life should always be ahead of you and not behind. The 30s were a good time, 40s were awesome.

I'm in my 50s. I love it. The 60s is going to be incredible. And it's got to be that way, right? Because time -- you have more time behind you, so everything speeds up. So, now, you have to enjoy every moment more. And considering the alternative, it's good to get old.

WATTERS: You're enjoying yourself right now.

GUTFELD: I am. I'm having --

WATTERS: This is you enjoying yourself? You like the 50s?

GUTFELD: Imagine being Ben Stiller.

WATTERS: That's true.

GUTFELD: How miserable that's going to be.

MONTGOMERY: Juan?

WILLIAMS: Well, you know, look, so, I'm 66 and I think I'm happy.

GUTFELD: See, my point.

MONTGOMERY: You're always smiling.

WILLIAMS: And it's not just me -- but it's not just me. I think this has actually been proven that as you get older --

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: Until you have, you know, physical ailments, people are happier.

They're more content. So, you know what, I'm good with God. I'm good with my family. I'm good with my work. I'm pretty good.

MONTGOMERY: Maybe the left should give a rip.

GUTFELD: Watch your words, young lady.

PERINO: Language. Juan is here.

GUTFELD: I know.

MONTGOMERY: All right, "ONE MORE THING" is up next. Stay with us.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WILLIAMS: It's time now for "ONE MORE THING." Greg.

GUTFELD: Let's do this. Greg's How Many Nuts Part Three? Oh, they're my favorite game show. Dana, how many nuts?

PERINO: OK, wait -- you mean, I don't get to see the video first?

GUTFELD: You played this game. How many nuts?

PERINO: OK, seven.

GUTFELD: Seven. Jesse?

WATTERS: 11.

GUTFELD: 11. Juan, you won last time.

WILLIAMS: What did I say last time, 100? I'll say 50 this time.

GUTFELD: 50? Kennedy?

MONTGOMERY: The price is right at two nuts.

GUTFELD: Two. OK, let's play the video and count the nuts. We got one. We got two, three, four. What? Is that it? Is that it?

PERINO: Wow. That's --

GUTFELD: No, it's going more. Five --

PERINO: Six. OK. Oh, seven, stop. Stop.

GUTFELD: Eight.

WATTERS: My 11 is looking good.

GUTFELD: You're 11 is looking good.

PERINO: Oh, wow.

GUTFELD: I think we're going for a new record.

PERINO: Wow.

GUTFELD: 11 and 12.

PERINO: He did it.

GUTFELD: That's a new record. That actually beat Ben Stiller.

WILLIAMS: All right, Dana, you're up.

PERINO: All right. So, as everyone knows, Greg and I love our pelotons. But there's this new bike that I think Greg should get for his living room.

This is an actual bike. This is Hendricks Gin. It's a 40-inch high wheel comes equipped with a one-liter size water bottle. You can put your favorite drink in there. It doesn't have a -- it has a book of photographs.

GUTFELD: What's that called?

PERINO: Penny-farthing.

GUTFELD: Penny-farthing.

PERINO: It's a Penny-farthing. And Greg, it's only $2,493.11, plus shipping. But I think worth it.

GUTFELD: I think it is, too.

WILLIAMS: Yes. And Hendricks Gin is -- the bouquet is spectacular.

WATTERS: Juan Williams over here. The bouquet. Look at you, Juan.

WILLIAMS: I'm not allowed to drink? Those are great. That's a great alcohol.

WATTERS: Well, I'll talk to you later. All right, ever been walking alone and being very lonely and trying to hold someone's hand but you have no one's hand to hold. We have a solution for you. Engineers at a Japanese University have devised a device to combat loneliness.

That's right. It is a hand holding machine that has soft elastic gel that fits comfortably in your hand and if you squeeze it, the sensors will squeeze you back.

GUTFELD: I don't think this is for hand holding, Jesse.

PERINO: Oh, wow.

GUTFELD: I don't think it is.

WATTERS: I was going to get one for THE FIVE when Dana is out and I had to say something controversial.

WILLIAMS: Oh, my God.

WATTERS: But now, I'm not going to buy them.

GUTFELD: If Toobin had this, he never would have lost his job.

WILLIAMS: Hey, the two of you, stop, stop, stop. Come on now, guys. Come on. All right, this one takes me back to my childhood. My dad used to do this with me. Here's a proud papa teaching his child how to be a boxer.

Take a look. That's Kijuan Tucker of New Jersey with a seven-year-old daughter Ruby.

It started as a way to build herself confidence. Now, it turns out she's a natural. Fast hands, quick moves, she's a viral sensation. But for now, she just feels good inspiring other girls. Way to go, Ruby. As Rondo said in Waterfront, I could have been a contender.

PERINO: She's great.

MONTGOMERY: I'll make this quick. Baby Yoda went to space. He was a zero-G indicator. And they took him on the SpaceX Dragon up to the International Space Station. And now, the crew uses him to tell whether or not they are in a microgravity state. Thank you, Baby Yoda.

GUTFELD: You're welcome, Kennedy.

WILLIAMS: Wow.

MONTGOMERY: Welcome you are.

WILLIAMS: All right, that's it for us tonight. "SPECIAL REPORT" up next with Bret Baier.

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