'Gutfeld!' on Democrats and crime

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Gutfeld: Why do Democrats only condemn crimes that aren't happening?

'Gutfeld!' panelists weigh in on the media’s interpretation of Florida’s parental rights bill.

This is a rush transcript from "Gutfeld!," April 1, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: -- in cold. Hello. Hey there, my friendly Friday friends. So how do you know when you're living in a delusion? I mean, other than Joe Biden thinking he's president. I mean, when people suddenly believe something is happening, when it really isn't. And then they come after you if you refuse to play along. The left in this country right now is like that mentally-ill homeless guy screaming at someone on the sidewalk, but there's actually nobody there.

But if you tell him nobody is there, he'll attack you for pointing out the reality of the situation. But with our media, such delusions are rewarded with attention and therefore incentivized. The latest delusion that Florida's parental rights bill is an attack on gay and trans people. And that somehow merely stating the distinction between male and female is an affront to them. But sorry, Disney.

According to my data, 99.9 percent of gay and trans aren't offended by the terms, boys and girls. Where did I get that statistic? Where I get all my biology stats? The steam room at the 92nd Street Y. But sadly, all you need are a few unhinged voices and control of the blow horn. And by blow horn, I mean the mainstream and social media. Social media is now the vehicle for delusional contagions.

Where attention start activist Diem words like boys and girls harmful. Sorry, these people are full of more (BLEEP) than a cage full of chimps with lactose intolerance. And I know that. But like the bubonic plague, it's a rodent spreading the problem. Take it away home of Mickey Mouse.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

VIVIAN WARE, DISNEY DIVERSITY AND INCLUSION MANAGER: Last summer we removed all of the gendered greetings in relationship to our live spiels. So, we no longer say ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. We provide a training for all of our cast members and in relationship to that. So now they know it's hello, everyone or hello, friends. We are in the process of changing over those recorded messages and so many of you are probably familiar when we brought the fireworks back to the Magic Kingdom. We no longer say ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls we say dreamers of all ages.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Hmm. Dreamers. How can you dream when you're woke? Disney once knew the importance of understanding your audience. Now they don't even like their audience. It all sounds like Disney is welcoming everyone with a no-girls-allowed sign. Did their customers ask for it? No, it's just a corporation terrified of being unwoke. Most families aren't up to speed with this crap.

And why? Because they're too busy working two jobs so they can put food on the table for their kids. And maybe one week a year take them to your stupid theme park and drop a couple grand. Watching a pantless duck speak gibberish. Watch out waste management. Disney's been making family entertainment for 99 years, but now they're switching to garbage It's happening in government too.

While we face possible war soaring inflation and rapid crime, what's the White House concerned about? They announced that U.S. airport security procedures will become gender neutral. Yes. They're going to an X for travelers going through precheck who don't identify as male or female. But isn't X the female chromosome? Wait until someone complains about that. I just might.

TSA officers will also receive new instructions to make procedures less invasive, which is sad, being married, I started to enjoy those pat downs. But of course, Biden also condemned dangerous anti-transgender legislative attacks without citing actual evidence. Why?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: We know it's hard when there are those out there who don't see you and don't respect you. For example, the onslaught of anti-transgender state laws attacking you and your family is simply wrong. This administration is standing up for you against all these hateful bills. And we're committed to advancing change gender equality in the classroom, on the playing field at work and our military. And our housing and health care systems everywhere, simply everywhere.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: Yes. Well, this raises the question, why do Democrats only condemn crimes that aren't happening? Instead of crimes that are? What about the attacks on elderly Asians or the random murders by homeless maniacs and liberal-run cities? Why doesn't Joe care about that (BLEEP) Could it be that the people feeding him this stuff don't care either? It's the Will Smith slap a politics.

While we're talking about this, we are talking about the president needing crib notes to explain why he's trying to trigger World War III. So instead, let's focus our energy on a bill that forbids people from talking to five year olds about sex, when we should be asking why they're fighting to teach indoctrination, when they can't even teach math. Honestly, any adult that wants to indulge a five-year-old about sexual issues that they can't comprehend is the only good argument for remote learning.

Delusions become dangerous when your president buys into it and Biden has. Just happy to finally be president. He's OK also being a vehicle for idiocy. And finally, there's this story, a medical student at the Wake Forest School of Medicine purposely missed a patient's vein. Because he giggled at the students she-her pronoun pin could. Kychelle Del Rosario bragged about it, posting, I had a patient I was doing a blood draw.

See my pronoun pin and loudly laugh to the staff. She-her? Well, of course it is, what other pronouns even are there? It? So, I missed his vein so he had to get stuck twice. Well, she-her, sounds like a real (BLEEP) so there you go. Corporations, government people all acting irrationally, based on a belief that there's an epidemic about sterility towards gay and trans. It's not true. But sadly, what is true? Parents may have the science that activist have the media.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. When she was behind a podium, the media needed Imodium.

KAYLEIGH MCENANY, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Yes.

GUTFELD: Co--host of "OUTNUMBERED" and former White House Press Secretary, Kayleigh McEnany. He's so British his blood type is Earl Grey. He's so British he sneezes crumpets. He's so British he sleeps on a double-decker bus. He's so British he showers in a red phone booth. Host of the new show Piers Morgan Uncensored premiering April 25th on Fox nation, Piers Morgan.

PIERS MORGAN, FOX NATION HOST: Thank you.

GUTFELD: And she never uses drugs and is delightful to work with. April Fool's. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Oh, never. And he'll give you -- he'll give you the shirt off his back if you need a parachute. My massive sidekick and the NWA's World Television Champion, Tyrus. Piers, it's like I've seen you almost every day.

MORGAN: Because you have.

GUTFELD: I know you've been in -- you've been in my dreams and my studio.

MORGAN: Yes.

GUTFELD: I don't know where it's leaving.

MORGAN: I've been basking in the Gutfled glory.

GUTFELD: Ah, yes, yes, yes.

MORGAN: The hottest show person on cable news T.V. history. You can read it.

GUTFELD: You could just -- you could just say the hottest person period. I am beautiful. You know, this -- I -- no doubt there are people that are anti trans -- transphobic, anti-gay. But this is a -- does this come across to you as a manufactured outrage?

MORGAN: Oh, completely. It's a -- it's a virus. This new virus is where this very small number of angry permanently offended what reggae canceled culture propagandists try and turn everything into something ending in ic or ist. So, if you take any kind of constructive critical approach to something was just patently ridiculous. Immediately you're branded. You're transphobic, homophobic or racist, whatever it may be.

I got bounced out of the morning show but I did in the U.K. because Meghan Markle spewed a bunch of lies to Oprah Winfrey about a royal family. I said I don't believe you and was immediately accused of being racist. I don't believe somebody who was biracial. So, this is the way the world has gone. When you look at this Disney furor, in a way, it perfectly encapsulates how mad it's all gone.

So, you've got Disney who we know stream all their content to countries where they behead people for being gay. We know that they are silent about the Chinese oppression of the Uyghur Muslims. But we're apparently supposed to believe that they've taken a position. A moral and strong position about this issue down in Florida. Where my god, it's so despicable. The governor has decided that kids of five, six, seven and eight should not be exposed to constant propaganda about their sexuality or genders at a time when there are no 100 genders, including apparently astragender which has an affinity to the stars and the planets.

So, why would any parents object to a teacher teaching them that they can be astragender? It's all (BLEEP) and the idea that you can raise a quizzical eye or a concerned brow and say it (BLEEP) without being bounced around being called a transphob, I support -- I think probably most people in this country are tolerant and compassionate people.

GUTFELD: It seems like women are the butt of all of these things. It's not really guys. It's just the women. Right, Kayleigh?

MCENANY: Yes. OK. The woke world is going after women. I mean, just think about that. That is happening. Like you went through the government, they're calling people pregnant persons.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCENANY: Taking a cue from AOC. Apparently, I was in menstruating person, not a pregnant woman when I gave birth to my two-year-old. Well, now two- year-old. But it's confounding they have the pregnant male emoji. I mean, it's thing after thing after thing. It's erasing women from society. And look, if you are an opponent of this bill, basically what you're saying is kindergarten, first grade, second grade, third grade.

Your teacher who's brainwashed by the left, probably a lot of them are, gets to teach you about sexuality. No, thank you. And this man, this president, can't keep Ron DeSantis' name out of his mouth. Keeps referring to by former bosses, my predecessor and, you know, veiled threats at him. This guy needs a foil and that's what this is about. He needs a foil, his administration is collapsing. So, let's go after kindergarteners.

GUTFELD: Yes. What what's your take on this, Tyrus?

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, I agree with them both, except for -- they're missing one thing, that small group, they're not -- that live in the exterior. That's why they make up crimes that don't -- that haven't happened because you can't fact check them.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: They're not going to take the risk to go down and deal with people who are actually being assaulted. But it's about fundraising. Making money has nothing to do with the transgender community at all. It's just like Black Lives Matter did the same exact thing. They made it sound like they were there -- they were going to help black schools and poor neighborhoods but they didn't.

They loaded up their own pocketbooks. They bought jets and planes and houses. And these same groups are doing the same thing. Because then they will go to the group that they love to hate the most openly is old, white woke men and women and they'll go tell them their story. And they'll feel terrible and blame themselves and write huge amounts of checks. So, it's a money-making scheme.

And so, they're never ever going to actually pick a real situation that people can look and go, well, actually, there is more hate crimes against older Asian women right now and women in general than there is these transgender things that you're talking about. So, they're not going to touch that because you can argue that. And so, they're just doing it until they get the big money and they get the marches and then you'll see that they're not helping the poor transgendered in the inner city who's afraid to come out because of the neighborhood they live in.

They're not going to -- they're not concerned with that but everyone who's doing it is in a power play position. And that's what this is really about.

GUTFELD: Kat, what if the veterinarian student purposely missed the vein of chines? Yes. I knew that.

TYRUS: Whoa.

GUTFELD: All right. I brought chines to Kat (INAUDIBLE) because you -- she didn't like your politics and so you bring chines in and she purposely misses chines vein?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Hurting me is one thing but hurting chines is another.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I would be -- I wouldn't -- I wouldn't be here. I would be like launching a full-scale attack against the person.

TYRUS: Scorched Earth.

TIMPF: Yes. Because -- OK. Someone made fun of you. So you're going to stab them?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Because if you're missing a vein on purpose, that's not missing a vein. That's stabbing.

GUTFELD: Yes. It's stabbing.

TIMPF: Like the reason you're doing that is to get the blood or whatever. So, you're just stabbing them for no reason. And things are so crazy that she actually was like, you know what, that's something I can tweet. And people will like that. Like I stabbed this person who made fun of me and this wasn't even a trans woman.

GUTFELD: Yes. No.

TIMPF: This was just --

GUTFELD: But you bet she has --

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: I bet she has #bekindinher bio.

TIMPF: Probably.

MCENANY: Certainly.

TYRUS: That was just not a hate crime. If I had stabbed somebody with her and -- her and his or whatever the thing is on their thing and I said, hop, because of that and I stabbed them? That's a hate crime, right?

TIMPF: Yes.

TYRUS: It's a two-way street.

TIMPF: Purposely missed a vein is a lot more words than you need.

MCENANY: Stabbed.

GUTFELD: Yes. She probably has one of those signs on the front of her house that has like all -- the entire list of all the things. You've seen them everywhere. But apparently, I think she's now been punished she's not allowed to see patients.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: No. She should be fired --

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: -- in house we love and respect chines.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right. Up next. Sir Paul gets in your face about milk that's plant based. My favorite story by the way.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: When it came to the extra fee, he just couldn't let it be. Anyway, Sir Paul McCartney, the former lead singer of an Oasis cover band is urging Starbucks to digit surcharge on plant-based milk options. Even though they cost more to produce and are an abomination before God. And a letter he penned with PETA, using vegan paper and cruelty free Inc., McCartney writes, I understand that in other countries like U.K. and India there is the same charge for both types of milk.

And I would like to politely to request that you consider this policy also in Starbucks USA. I sincerely hoped that for the future of the planet and animal welfare you're able to implement this policy." Now, when he's not ripping off the monkeys, McCartney has had long history of promoting a vegan lifestyle. And PETA claims cow's milk generates three times more greenhouse gas emissions and uses nine times more land than plant-based options.

Well, you could say the same thing about human milk, but it just tastes better. Though if we're paying a little less for plant milk, I bet I can think of one guy who's all for it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ERIC ADAMS, NEW YORK CITY MAYOR: I eat a plant-based centered life. I eat a plant-based centered life. I eat a plant-based centered life. I eat a plant-based centered life. Some people want to call me vegan. Vegans eat Oreos and they drink Coca-Cola. I don't. I eat a plant-based centered life.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh. He's going to be a great mayor.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: -- do Coca Cola.

GUTFELD: Yes. By the way, you know, this is a very important topic, Peirs, especially when you're dealing with tea. I think we have a little thing about how you take your tea. Do we?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MORGAN: Here's the problem with the way Americans make tea. They make it too weak or they overdo it, but they never get it right the recipe.

But the crucial thing is scientific fact. Get the milk in first, make it stew for four minutes, not five, not three. Stir after two minutes of a bag per cup of one on top.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We didn't start a revolution to drink that crap. Which is why we drink American tea. It's like British tea with better abs. Here's how it's made. First, the tea leaves are loaded onto a fighter jet and shot into the sun. Next, they go into bags and get signed up for an illegal fight club where they learn that violence solves all problems. Then skydivers deliver the tea for steeping directly into an active volcano. They don't survive, but the tea comes out green.

Next we add milk from California inside monster trucks and heat it with a flame thrower. And nachos. There's nachos in there for some reason. So say goodbye to Earl Grey, and hello to Earl red, white and blue. It's American tea.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That was amazing.

MORGAN: No wonder Americans don't drink tea.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. We don't understand it. Is this something that Sir Paul should be worried about?

MORGAN: You know, first of all, let me preface this by saying that I am loath to criticize Paul because I am a massive Beatles junkie. But secondly, I introduced him to Heather Mills.

GUTFELD: Oh. You're the one.

MORGAN: Which ended up costing him 60 million pounds in the divorce. So, I owe him one. But there's something utterly insufferable about self righteous vegans. And the -- I think the particular thing that exercises me about then is they all love drinking almond milk, for example. Now, only know about the process of making almonds. Almonds involves the extermination of billions of bees in California over a five, six-week period every year.

It's the same with various other vegan products. They're not as squeaky clean as I like to make us out to be. Bees are the little guys of this debate. And I love to stand up for the little guys. The bees, right?

GUTFELD: Bees.

MORGAN: Vegans never care about the bloody bees.

GUTFELD: They never care.

MORGAN: And they should. Right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORGAN: Would you care about the bees?

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: If you drink your almond milk and try and take the high moral ground with me with my real milk proper cows.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: They're killed.

MORGAN: Right.

GUTFELD: Cows aren't killed by the milk, Tyrus.

MORGAN: Look at your own backyard first and look after the bees.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know, isn't it ironic that the beetles prefer plants?

TYRUS: Well, it's also ironic whenever you hear a billionaire complain about the price of an extra bucket at a Starbucks that you know his assistant to his assistant is getting for him.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You know, but let's not even get into that. There -- everything's about gender and proper. OK? There's no such thing as almond milk. Almonds do not have nipples. Therefore, they cannot produce milk.

MORGAN: Correct.

TYRUS: It's ground up almonds. And it's not just the bees, it's the worms, the beetles, the grubs, rats, lizards. All the little things. So there's tons and tons of different species of animals snakes that are wiped out by these -- by these

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I didn't know.

MORGAN: Yes.

TYRUS: Ye they get mad because they kill a cow for beef.

MORGAN: Exactly.

TIMPF: You know what I'm saying? Like you need to make -- the problem is I guess the cow is cuter. So that's the -- that's the --

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: No, it's just bigger.

TYRUS: Yes.

MORGAN: Bigger.

TYRUS: It's easy to point out though.

GUTFELD: We assign consciousness to size. So we assume that bees don't think, Kayleigh. But they have their own little thoughts. It's usually ---

MCENANY: Of course, they do. Yes. Like Jim Acosta. He has his own thoughts.

GUTFELD: And he's barely conscious.

MCENANY: Yes. There's that. There's that.

(CROSSTALK)

MCENANY: Unlike Piers, I'm not a Beatles fan. I like country music.

GUTFELD: What?

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Oh boy.

MORGAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Why is it that seat?

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: But what Buck Sexton said was that they were overrated. It's like oh, changing music wasn't enough for you. So, if you're personally not a fan, that's one thing. His was just unnecessary smear.

TYRUS: He crossed some serious --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes. You know, he might never be back on the show. Although he has been (INAUDIBLE) I'm sorry, Kayleigh.

MCENANY: No. I mean, I was just going to say there's more elitist than a celebrity pinning an open letter saying like, I need free non-plant-based milk. I don't even know what that is. All I can say is the boys of Lynyrd Skynyrd they would not have been this way. So, I stand by my not a Beatles fan.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Although they've not because they'd -- like all of them are dead.

MCENANY: They are. Except a few.

GUTFELD: Except a few. Yes, yes, yes. And I don't laugh at that. I'm a huge Skynyrd fan.

MCENANY: Of course.

GUTFELD: Yes. I slow dance to Freebird often alone.

TYRUS: My choice.

GUTFELD: Would you like to add to this Beatlemania?

TIMPF: Sure. I mean, so I've obviously -- yes, I'm a huge Beatles fan. I don't know the guy, Piers. He doesn't --

MORGAN: He's a good guy.

TIMPF: No. He doesn't know I exist and never will. But that doesn't stop me. Never had. But I kind of love it because it kind of proves how full (BLEEP) Starbucks is in a way.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Because they have this whole section on their Web site and like signs in their stores about environmental responsibility and it's like, cool, then take some.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: You know, they could afford to make it all the same price but it just proves that they're just, you know, capitalists but lying about it.

MORGAN: And there should -- there should be a tax of being an annoying vegan.

GUTFELD: Yes. It's true.

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: You can be an annoying vegan but we're going to tax you for it. That's it.

TIMPF: But if you were a billionaire being a vegan wouldn't be hard.

TYRUS: But Gutfeld --

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: But he's no good as much fun as he used to because I introduced him to Heather Mills. But to be fair to him, he might be down to his last 500 mil.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORGAN: Give him some credit.

TYRUS: You know, it's also an attack on women too, right? The bees thing. Bees are 95 percent female.

MORGAN: That is correct.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: -- put that out there. So, another attack on woman.

MORGAN: It's another attack on women.

TYRUS: It just --

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: I love that you know as much about the bee thing as I do.

TYRUS: Sir David Attenborough should have been my --

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: Yes. Yes.

GUTFELD: All right. And on that note, up next. Stephen Colbert's lame joke gist that questioning Biden deserves an open fist. Oh, that was a good one.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GRIFF JENKINS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT: This is a Fox News Alert. I'm Griff Jenkins live in Lviv. Another day of hope dashed by the Russians. Thousands of civilians in Mariupol remain trapped in the besieged city after the Russian military turned back a convoy of buses from the Red Cross that was scheduled to evacuate them. It's believed there are about 100,000 people remain in Mariupol.

In all 2000 javelin anti-tank missiles President Biden signed off on two weeks ago have been delivered to Ukraine. That's according to a senior U.S. defense official who also says all of those switchblade drones are in route as well.

In the U.S., he's also sending another $300 million in various equipment. Meanwhile, Russia claims two Ukrainian helicopters attacked the fuel depot 24 miles north of the Russian Ukraine border. Ukraine is neither confirming nor denying any responsibility for the attack. I'm Griff Jenkins live in Lviv, Ukraine. Now, back to "GUTFELD."

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Hey, should a reporter get smacked for not being a White House hack? And should do see be taught a lesson for daring to ask Biden a question. It's true. The host of The Late Show thinks a free press has got to go. It's more proof. He's part of the propaganda machine and hasn't got laughs since 2014. We'll be right back.

All right, this week former comedian Stephen Colbert mocked our very own Peter Doocy for doing actual journalism. He thinks they should be like Brian Stelter and just give Biden shelter. Doocy who was trying to get the president to clarify what he meant when he said, the U.S. would respond to a Russian chemical attack in kind. And by clarify, we mean not speak like he got hit in the head with a bowling ball.

See, some Americans are more interested in World War III than ice cream. But for Colbert, asking the big guy if he was seriously threatening chemical warfare was as over the line as Ted Kennedy's car.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

STEPHEN COLBERT, COMEDIAN: President Biden held a press conference. And he was asked a ridiculous question by a ridiculous man, Fox News Reporter and that one kid in high school who wears a suit to gym class, Peter Doocy. Jimmy, dropped the deuce --

PETER DOOCY, FOX NEWS CHANNEL WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDEDNT: When he said a chemical weapon used by Russia would trigger a response in kind --

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: It will trigger a significant response.

DOOCY: What does that mean?

BIDEN: I'm not going to tell you, why would I tell you? You got to be silly.

COLBERT: Remember how on last night's show, I said that slapping is never ever the answer? I'd like to file a one-time exemption on behalf of the president of the United States.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Well, that's certainly a change from Col -- from the Colbert of yesteryear when he had no problem speaking truth to power.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

COLBERT: To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush to be, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody, pinch me. You know what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper. That may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. I know, there are some polls out there saying that this man has a 32 percent approval rating. But guys like us, we don't we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that, that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh, what a contrast. Well, at least he wasn't dancing with COVID vaccines. Kayleigh, it's not that surprising. I mean, he's, he's, you know, I would love to see a debate between Colbert and Colbert.

KAYLEIGH MCENANY, FORMER WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: Yes. I mean, yikes, no wonder you trumped that guy in the ratings. I don't watch the show. I never saw the dancing with the vaccine.

GUTFELD: You didn't?

MCENANY: No, I had to google Colbert's show today, do some research because I don't watch it. And I was like, what did he say about Trump? And I just went back and looked, he called him a racist, the banality of evil and a cannibal who eats human flesh. I will say, he was pretty nice to me, he just had a mystic caterpillar interpret my press conferences so I guess I'll take that but OK.

GUTFELD: Kat, you know I do get the urge to slap Peter Doocy, but it's always in a playful way.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I'm sure to send him an e-mail.

GUTFELD: You never know.

TIMPF: Send him an e-mail, yes.

GUTFELD: Might be his thing, who knows?

TIMPF: Yes, I mean, I'm kind of jealous. I mean, that's like he got like, all this attention, you know. I wish that Steve Colbert would say the president you should slap me, but I also wouldn't care if the president slapped me.

GUTFELD: No, you wouldn't.

TIMPF: It wouldn't really probably hurt.

GUTFELD: No, it wouldn't hurt. It wouldn't hurt.

TIMPF: No.

GUTFELD: And then he'd sniff your hair, or what he believe --

TIMPF: Yes, yes, I was going to say the joke's on him. Very little of it is actually mine.

GUTFELD: Tyrus, what do you make of this? Isn't that -- I mean, everybody kind of joins their own team after a while, right? He does, he's not even aware.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, I think it's funny that Colbert was picking on somebody about what they looked like in high school.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true,

TYRUS: I mean, yes, I'm sure he just got the glasses and the huge Adam's apple and skinny neck and small body and bag of oatmeal arms after years of powerlifting and playing for the 49ers. Does anyone have a (BLEEP) mirror? This is, this is the problem with the left, man. They just they -- you cannot have you cannot have a difference of opinion. So, you think it's OK with what we just witnessed? You think it's OK to try to be cute and coy. Talking about smacking our very own Peter Doocy.

I'm telling you right now, you put hands on our dear sweet, young, Peter Doocy, I'm putting hands on you. Like that's it -- that's it. There's no point that you make jokes about going after the press anyways, because no one respects the press. And anytime somebody has the balls to ask the president a real question that wasn't submitted in Crayola with, with cards and posters for him to practice the answer, you want to attack them? It's Bs, and he's supposed to be better than that. But he's, he's thirsty and desperate. His, his guys struggling.

TIMPF: So, if you made a joke like that, when Trump was President, that would have been a threat to democracy.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Exactly. It would have died in the dark.

TYRUS: And who he said it you would have got a book deal.

GUTFELD: That's true, that's true. Piers, that was a good question Doocy was asking. We were, we were --

PIERS MORGAN, ENGLISH BROADCASTER: I think Doocy's brilliant. I think the way he just very calmly and painstakingly reminds the president of what he actually said. And then reminds him that his own press department walked back what he actually said, and then gets out of Biden, a firm denial of ever saying, either what he originally was saying, or actually having a walk back to what he originally said, is a form of journalistic genius.

And I'm a huge fan of D.C. He just -- he's you know, he's like this sort of devil figure that they portray who creeps out and just asks proper questions. The problem with Colbert and the other guys have is, they were all collapsing before Trump came along. He was doing really badly in the ratings. He was going to lose his gig. And suddenly Trump comes and they all go full on Trump bashing. So, the New York Times did it five times subscriptions, called Vanity, gets the number one on the ratings.

Everybody else follows that lead. They're all pounding Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, bang, bang, bang, and it works. But of course, like all drugs, eventually the effects start to wear off. Now Trump's not in power. All their ratings have collapsed or their circulations are collapsing. CNN, where I used to work, where you never used to be part of them, drank the anti-Trump Kool-Aid so much that now he's not there, they've completely disintegrated in the ratings.

GUTFELD: Right.

MORGAN: And Fox obviously is doing very well. So, thank you, CNN. But I always felt that this was a really ridiculous short-term strategy by all these guys, because a lot of people who watch these shows are not particularly on their site.

GUTFELD: I don't know -- that's what I don't get.

MORGAN: Why, why would you make them all feel like hateful people, like, you know, people who should be treated in the disrespectful way they treat them? The truth is that Colbert would have said the complete opposite. If that had been Trump.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORGAN: And a CNN jealous like Jim Acosta, the complete opposite. My problem with all this is the rank hypocrisy, which is riddled through all of these debates right now. It's, you know, they would say the opposite if it was their guy, right? And I can't stomach that.

GUTFELD: You're very well. So, we're going to move on, but you're probably the most non-ideological person I've ever met. Because I never know which who you're going to come down on, or who you're going to defend. And it's very frustrating because I prefer to know my ideology.

MORGAN: I'd like to be part of that.

GUTFELD: No --

MORGAN: -- because I think the trouble with partisanship is it boxes you into tribalism. And tribalism is where madness lies because it means that even when new facts appear about something, you refuse to change your position, because your tribe will get upset by it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORGAN: Well, actually, but D.C. does so brilliantly. He never sounds partisan to me. He sounds like a journalist doing his job. And the idea that he then gets threatened or abused by the president as he was for doing what every journalist should be doing is frankly disgraceful but good on D.C. and keep doing it.

GUTFELD: All right, we got to move on and producer splits edit out all those compliments about D.C. Big enough as it is. All right, can you scroll that down? Coming up Apple says remote working's inefficient but spoiled workers think different? Yes, fun.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Come back to work at Apple? Some staffers don't give a crap-ple. Now, Tim Cook is left to despair. His employees want to work in their underwear. Apple just announced it will require all employees to come to the office three days a week, starting May 23. Yes, three. You think everybody would be grateful over so much flexibility in their schedules? But like a two-year-old iPhone, people are threatening to quit. That was funny. Got one laugh.

Well, "I don't give a single (BLEEP) about ever coming back to work here," one employee wrote on a corporate message board with others agreeing that they would also be quitting. What do you expect from people who call their tech guys geniuses when everyone calls them hairy nerds? Now, I get that working at home can be more, a more pleasant experience; the toilet paper is definitely softer. But this may be a bit of an overreaction considering that employees in Apple's Chinese factories are still required to work 10 days a week, but they do get time off when they kill themselves. Tyrus, thoughts?

TYRUS: Oh, I got a few.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: A jerk would say.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: you know, this is -- man, this is just when you give into the woke stuff, you get the woke behavior.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: If you -- three days a week, that means you got four days off, to work at home, they should be celebrating that.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

TYRUS: No, it's got to be my way at all. Because you know, they're working on their other stuff. So, they have to be at home. It's -- this, spoiled brats. And you give them a foot and they take 10 miles and you ask them to give four-feet back and they literally -- whoever said that, I would have been like, we're going to miss you.

GUTFELD: Yes, I'd fire him immediately.

TYRUS: Fire them, because there's literally 17,000 other people that you can check a box and put in there. They don't -- you don't have to hire anybody with qualifications anymore, you just have to fit a box.

GUTFELD: I bet they're Americans too.

TYRUS: Oh, 100 percent.

GUTFELD: They're not, they're not, they're not --

TYRUS: Nobody else is saying that. The only chubby little Americans. That's the only one --

GUTFELD: It's not like, it's not like, it's not like the people coming from India.

TYRUS: They're not -- because they want to stay home to workout and travel. It's they don't want to miss their Netflix binge-watching parties that they set up on Zoom.

GUTFELD: You know, Kat, I go back to what you said? I feel the same way. If I didn't come into the office, I would probably be dead by now.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Because the things I do at home are disgusting and wrong.

TIMPF: Yes, I -- yes, I need to come to the office. Because when I'm here, it's like why am I here? I'm here to work. Why else would I be here? And then I work. When I'm at home, all bets are off.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So, like, absolutely. Even a week, it's like it can start to get really bad really quickly.

GUTFELD: Yes. No, it's true. It's true.

TIMPF: It is. I don't -- if that works better for them to want to work remote, then fine, get a job where you can work remote, but it's, it's not so much that is the attitude. Like wait, you want me as part of my job to go there? Three -- like that's not an unreasonable request. That's pretty normal.

GUTFELD: Yes. It's, it's weird how like all the work stuff is now becoming unreasonable. You want me to get dressed?

MORGAN: But this is, this goes to the heart of it, again, doesn't it? They're not just nerdy they all get, the lazy they all get. But they're also woke they all get. And the beauty of being a they all get is you find absolutely everything oppressive and defensive.

GUTFELD: Right.

MORGAN: And unacceptable. And if companies start to bow to it, it never stops. It's my firm advice to every corporate entity in America. Rick, chief executive. Don't give them an inch. These people don't give them an inch. They will just take a mile. They'll take your company look at Disney. That guy went from we don't do politics to within a week is basically on the floor. Yes, begging for mercy as they take large harpoons and fire them into his bag.

And this is where it goes with these ridiculous campaigns. So, my message to Tim Cook would be just order them all in now for four days a week. Yes, you've had your chance at three. Now you can all throw your toys out of the pram come in for four or you're all fired.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORGAN: Or we'll send you to one of the sweatshops in China.

GUTFELD: Yes, you can, you can do some training there. Kayleigh this reminded, this story reminds me just now of you, you started working at Fox? You are the opposite.

MCENANY: OK, thank you.

GUTFELD: You are the opposite. So, it's like, when people, people are, are this lazy or this entitled? There are people like you who see it as like, oh, I used to come to work dress for the job you wanted remember?

MCENANY: Yes, indeed.

GUTFELD: When you worked for a Huckabee show.

MCENANY: And I was coming on "Red Eye."

GUTFELD: Yes, you were.

MCENANY: It was like my first show and I stay till what? 2:00 a.m.? No, we pre-tape, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCENANY: But no, that was fun. You're exactly right. It's like where are you going with this? Are you about to call me lazy working three days a week? But you didn't. One thing, these people go to work. They're not going to like a dilapidated office building with like fluorescent lights blinking.

GUTFELD: It's the most beautiful campus to go to college.

MCENANY: They have laundry services.

GUTFELD: Yes, they get paid.

MCENANY: Yes.

GUTFELD: To go to college, essentially.

MCENANY: Laundry services, multibillion dollar facility Wellness Center. I mean, you don't have to pay me to go there.

GUTFELD: No, that's true.

TIMPF: Can you bring your cat?

MCENANY: I'm sure.

GUTFELD: They got, they got pet day care there.

TYRUS: And vapes.

GUTFELD: And vapes, also psilocybin dispensary. I made that up --

TIMPF: See you later.

GUTFELD: See you later. Two weeks notice.

TYRUS: We have a gym here.

GUTFELD: We have a gym here.

TYRUS: It's just not open yet.

GUTFELD: That hasn't been open forever.

TYRUS: But it's here.

It's definitely here. On nest. If you're a city slicker, do you get lost quicker? Yes.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: "A STORY IN FIVE WORDS."

GUTFELD: We're short on time. Here's the story in five words: country folk never get lost. So, Kat, they said that people who didn't grow up in the city have a better sense of direction than people like you.

TIMPF: Yes, mine's really bad, but it's so bad I think it has to be some kind of disability.

GUTFELD: Really?

TIMPF: Yes. No, I'm serious. So, when I was a teenager, I was leaving my job as a waitress at the mall that I'd gone to my entire life to go home to the house where I you know, live since the first grade. I took a different exit out of the parking lot. I got so lost. I wound up in a city 25 miles away from my house, and I didn't even realize it until I saw boats.

TYRUS: Wow!

GUTFELD: You know --

TIMPF: I don't I don't normally drive by a lake.

GUTFELD: I will walk out of a subway exit, Piers, and I if I don't know that I will walk uptown for a mile before realizing I was supposed to go downtown.

MORGAN: I grew up in a little village in the south coast of England where I would train myself you had no way of navigating other than walking. I knew I had to walk to all three pubs, Indian restaurant, the cricket pitch, that's all I needed. But it taught me the best way to actually work out when you do the knowledge the, the black cab drivers in London when they do their famous knowledge. They walk every street.

GUTFELD: Right.

MORGAN: And they learned that actually the best way to navigate is to actually physically walk stuff.

GUTFELD: Yes, let me just point out it's called Black Cab Drivers, not black cab driver.

(CROSSTALK):

MORGAN: They're not all black drivers.

GUTFELD: Yes, wanted to make sure.

MORGAN: I'm not being racist.

TYRUS: If we're going to get rid of him, let him earn it.

GUTFELD: You buy this?

TYRUS: Yes, 100 percent, because the city slickers are lazy. They take cabs everywhere and they have their little GPS on their phone --

MORGAN: Subway.

TYRUS: Car service.

MORGAN: Yes.

TYRUS: You know, us folks with trucks and stuff we and have to pay for our gas.

GUTFELD: I have a truck.

TYRUS: You have for what -- show?

TIMPF: For what?

GUTFELD: To get to --

MORGAN: For all his money.

TYRUS: He has a dump truck for that, dump truck. But yes, of course it is.

GUTFELD: You of all people, Piers, all right, Kayleigh, it's true we don't use our brains anymore.

MCENANY: Yes, no, I would say -- let me just say this though. I hail from the countryside, I was proud my countryside folk, you know, we can navigate, but the researchers of course have to explain that away the countryside folks have more disorderly roads. Really, just give us a win. Like, you're a really good people, we know our way around and we're smart. So, the Europeans did this study. Boom.

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go.

TIMPF: Yes, the roads aren't disordered, I am.

TYRUS: -- stars are for show not navigation.

GUTFELD: All right, don't go away, we'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thanks to Kayleigh McEnany, Piers Morgan, Kat, Tyrus. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with Gillian Turner is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.

END

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