'Gutfeld!' on authoritarian COVID policies, Pelosi's re-election run

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Gutfeld: Our government unleashed authoritarianism

'Gutfeld!' panel discusses the slow creep of authoritarian COVID policies.

This is a rush transcript of "Gutfeld" on January 26, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Excellent brand of (INAUDIBLE) yes. I can't read that my eyes don't go that far. Yes, clap. Clap, you minions. But don't look at me when you're clapping. I'll destroy you.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Blue Velvet.

GUTFELD: Happy Wednesday, everyone. So -- shut up. So where are we in this pandemic? It's hard to say some people are acting like adults, others are acting like children. And still others are treating children like adults. And I'm not even talking about CNN producers. But first to the pandemic news that's affecting our nation's political elites. In Washington, D.C. our state capitol, Kat, strip clubs have allegedly been warned about their dancers not wearing masks.

And a hard-hitting investigative report, the Daily Caller finds that multiple strip clubs have violated the mayor's order on masks. This includes apparently the strippers who are supposed to cover their noses and mouths, even if their butts aren't. Now this is a personal point. I would not mind the rule in the daytime, you know, when the clubs aren't exactly fielding the first string.

TYRUS: Day shift.

GUTFELD: Yes. But really, how can you enjoy a good lap dancer if you can't understand the stripper story about how she's just doing this temporarily to put herself through med school? And what kind of masks do you wear when stripping? I had to ask Stuart Varney. And no, they do not make an N95 and latex. God knows I've looked all over Pete Hegseth's office. But the strippers I bet they're not pleased. We go to one for comment.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Bear strip club, I can dream, Tyrus. On the other coast, it's worse. The L.A. Unified School District said its banning students from wearing cloth masks. They must now wear well-fitted non-cloth masks with nose wire at all times, including outdoors. Well, at least that'll prepare them for a future in stripping or smash and grab which are both very popular vocations in L.A. right now.

But what are you supposed to do? I guess it's time for.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Greg Gutfeld's Desperate Rant To End This (BLEEP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Here's one thing we didn't expect. How authoritarianism was unleashed in businesses by our government. The government made the regulations which put it on waitresses and hostesses and mattress salesman to force you to comply. And then it was up to the cops to arrest you if you didn't. So while the government looks benign, it's your neighbors who became the enforcers.

What better way to unify a nation's people than force them into the roles of cops and robbers. You couldn't divide people any more efficiently with a table saw? And I've tried. But you know what? A lot of people liked it. People became OK with incremental authoritarianism, like the frog in that slow boiling water and experiment I'm sure Fauci invented the sick bastard. They enjoy the moments without knowing how it all will end.

Like giving Jessie Watters his own show. It gave obnoxious people power. See, authoritarianism doesn't just show up one day screaming hey, everyone, I'm an authoritarian. It comes gradually step by step, like an undetected malignant tumor. It just grows. And who knew that entertainers and journalists usually considered skeptics of power, would happily embrace becoming the man?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:

HOWARD STERN, HOST, THE HOWARD STERN SHOW: This is what I call facemask freak outs. You know, I've made it clear. I can't stand seeing people walking around without a mask.

WHOOPI GOLDBERG, TELEVISION PERSONALITY: This is what we're doing to protect our families. And you don't have to do it. But stay away from everybody. How dare you be so flippant man?

GERALDO RIVERA, HOST, THE FIVE: How dare you be so flippant? It's also a question of manners. Good manners.

GUTFELD: No, no, no. It's actually --

(CROSSTALK)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh. And so the rebels have become the establishment choosing fear over risk management. But risk management is not just brave. It's sensible. The world is not your house that you can make childproof. And you can't leave it to bozos who see risk only being acceptable at zero, that destroyed society. You'd have to lock yourself in the basement to survive. And like I said to Joe DeVito's robot girlfriend, that's no life.

But it's hard to explain this to people in love with their own authority. You can't wrestle fear away from them. Like a vaping pen to Kat, it's too important to them. The people in charge right now aren't risk managers, they're ass protectors trying to keep themselves from being fired, sued, or even arrested. And they deserve little respect given they never clearly gave us the whole story. Think about it.

They've been applying the same risk profile from one person to the next, without any clarity. A 10-year-old skateboarder somehow has the same risk profile as a 65-year-old obese smoker. So they both must mask up and outside. It's like hiring a tax accountant for your six-year-old who ran a lemonade stand. You know, because it's April and you just never know. Fact is the government isn't crazy about telling you about your lower risk profile because then you won't adhere to their uniform rules.

So the government needs to have a uniform risk which is a uniform lie that creates a uniform panic. It's why they never talked about obesity and other metrics of bad health. They preferred you scared, screw them. Remember, it wasn't you or me who made the virus and let it out. It was them. If it were you you'd be receiving your dinner through a slot in your cell door for the rest of your damn life.

But the people who thought it was fine to increase lethality and contagiousness of coronavirus in Wuhan are now lecturing us about risk. It's nuts. Let's hear it from Brett.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: January 27, Fauci is told the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases has been indirectly funding the Wuhan lab through EcoHealth Alliance. A U.S.-based scientific nonprofit that had been working with novel coronaviruses. January 31st, Dr. Christian Anderson, a noted virologist at the Scripps lab, privately tells Fauci that after discussions with his colleagues, some of COVID-19's features potentially look engineered.

And "the genome is inconsistent with expectations from evolutionary theory."

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So when will they be held accountable? I predict it will happen when Kat beats Tyrus and arm wrestling. And now they talk about a new variant of Omicron.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

LEANA WEN, AUTHOR, LIFELINES: We could have another variant arise in the future that looks more like Omicron than previous variants.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: There you go. It's the war without end framework. And so as one variant leaves another one shows up, as one battle fades, return with a new one. It's COVID. It was also in climate change. It's also in racism. You'll keep paying for an emergency that never ends. And we've seen how wars with no end game end up going on forever. Vietnam, Afghanistan, the drug war, sex in the City.

The only way to stop that madness is if you do the stopping. Public sentiment ended those wars. And it's time to do the same thing now, because it's not me who decides when this ends, it's you. You understand risk, you follow the science as we close in on February 1st, it's time for some good- old fashioned group civil disobedience. Don't wear the mask. Hell burn the damn thing. That worked with bras and draft cards in the 1960s.

And also the house I burned down because the voices told me to. When someone asks you to remaask, say, that's not following the science and then leave. Go somewhere else. If we all do this together, it ends because if you don't do it, no one will and that we're all screwed. Hopefully at the strip club.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. They call his jokes bits because the laughs are so tiny. Writer and comedian, Joe DeVito. She talks so fast her mouth gets shin splints. "OUTNUMBERED" co-host Emily Compagno. She's the girl of your dreams if you want to blonde Freddy Krueger. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. And if you're looking for his house, just climb up the beanstalk. My massive sidekick and the NWA World Television Champion, Tyrus.

Emily, good to see you.

EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Good to see.

GUTFELD: You look -- you look good in leather.

COMPAGNO: Thank you.

GUTFELD: You know, not a lot of people could pull off leather. You should see me when I get home. Because it's very tight. How do -- how do people in this? Right? I keep -- I keep giving this advice, Emily, but I'm not really giving practical advice. I'm saying you guys got to end this. But it's when one person does something and then another person sees that person do something. And then that activity becomes contagious.

COMPAGNO: Yes. And I actually think that you did propose the solution in your monologue when you said it's about public sentiment and the public showing up and standing up in the way of civil disobedience in a non- violent way. So, to the mask point there in L.A., in Los Angeles School District, right? So now they have to wear this certain kind of mask with a -- with a nose thing.

GUTFELD: Right.

COMPAGNO: And that means that is indicating the priority there of obviously the teachers union and the schools there. It means that the priority is not on mental health. It's not on the fact that in the last semester alone they've seen more referrals for mental health, more referrals for disciplinary measures, more violence. Student on students, students on teachers than they have in any year combined.

And that was just one semester. So those kids have reported feeling three out of four notions of suicide, they blame social media, they blame the lockdown, there are so many things happening that these kids are in agony. And yet that goes to show what their priority which is conformity to those specific type of masks, and just like flying on airplanes, all of a sudden, it's going to be incumbent on the teachers. Oh, this student doesn't have that.

GUTFELD: Yes. It will.

COMPAGNO: Right? And they're going to send them home and they are totally losing the forest for the trees. If they cared about kids, it would be different. But the point is, if the parents said no, absolutely not if there was some kind of actual standing up for themselves. That's the only way this is going to --

GUTFELD: The anti-mask party, Joe. This is like the -- I can feel it. I actually could -- I can smell the change in the air. Either that or it's Kat.

COMPAGNO: Oh God.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: I know who shocked --

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: It's not good.

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: GUTFELD: Yes. Well, now that it's in the strip clubs, I think it's game over.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: It's nonsense that wearing -- the only time I want to see anything covered up in the strip club is if there's cesarean scars involved. Why I really have to stop going on the lunch shift.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: The junior varsity.

DEVITO: I think what we're seeing here now is people, this is their moment, this is their moment to be a tyrant. This is their moment to freak out. And it's what makes them feel good is to be able to put the thumb down on somebody. And we're seeing it in schools. And this is really -- it's becoming child abuse at this point.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: Because I can guarantee you these schools where rich people's kids go, they're not making them wear masks.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: You see when we see the fancy people are out. And the people attending to them are wearing masks and gloves and all that.

GUTFELD: Right.

DEVITO: It's terrible and it's abusive to children because children need to see faces when they're young, they need to have this interaction.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: That time can't be made up. And if people don't believe me, look up the Romanian orphanages where they raised these children as if they were livestock and the children were damaged forever. Now, the good news is -- not that I know a lot about Romania, but Ceausescu, their dictator was giving a speech and he was in power one day, and it took one person and back to yell, shut up, and everyone else started yelling.

And before you know it, he was executed within 24 hours and those people were free. So it takes free people to stand up and fight for this.

GUTFELD: Interesting. Do you care to respond to that or let's talk about the strip club?

TYRUS: Well, yes, I would like to say there's worse things to catch at a strip club. Like a child.

GUTFELD: Yes. Ask Hunter Biden.

TYRUS: Or another guy I know. But I digress.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You know, great point about the masks. But I just -- yes, that's true. You can catch children in a strip club which I would argue. I'll take COVID anytime but I love him. It -- what's frustrating to me is the mask is literally -- if you follow the science, it's for you. I feel like we keep repeating ourselves. It doesn't keep you from getting it. It maybe can keep you from maybe spreading some things but you can't keep the mask on 24/7.

You just can't do it. You got on the airplane where sir, put your mask over your nose as you know, as you were shamed for it.

GUTFELD: Yes. I was.

TYRUS: But if you order a sprite, you can take it off. So literally, if you have a lollipop in your mouth on an airplane, you're mask is off the entire flight or until, you know, how many licks does it get to a Tootsie Pop? Now it's 147.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: You know, so, I mean, it just doesn't make any sense. And it's frustrating and you see people's frustrating and it's causing so much division. People are so angry with each other and their fights breaking out and people are attacking each other. We saw that elevator thing from last night. So I think your point is spot on, man. Until everyone just says enough, it's going to continue to be this way because we're going to have like 17 versions of Omicron.

GUTFELD: Yes, no. It's all -- it's like battles in a war that they want to stay in a battle. It's like oh, we know we have another battle coming up. It's a battle for this. That's what I feel like we're in this weird --

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: They're going to run out of names.

GUTFELD: Yes, they're going to run out of names.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: -- repeat it. It's going to be like yes, Omicron 17, COVID 19.

GUTFELD: A sub-variants.

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: Kat, would you how do you feel about masking in strip clubs?

TIMPF: I think it -- like most things it should be up to the individual stripper.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I think we should all -- we allow more in strip clubs.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And most do. Yes. It's ridiculous. Doesn't make sense. Just like masking kids out doesn't make sense. Especially outside.

GUTFELD: Yes. Crazy.

TIMPF: But nobody thinks that. Like there's no way that everybody that's in charge of running the Los Angeles, you know, school district actually thinks that we need to mask kids outside. Pretty sure everybody probably knows that. But they're too afraid to say something. Which I guess is, you know, bad in your own life. But it's even worse when you know, it's kid's lives which again, this pandemic has done the impossible. It's made me care about people's kids.

GUTFELD: I know. I hate children.

TIMPF: They never --

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Thinking of wires, has not anyone seen that American classic? The Jerk? You know what happens when you put wires over your nose? Everything at cross-eyed.

GUTFELD: Oh.

TYRUS: Oh, you know, you didn't see that? I mean --

(CROSSTALK)

DEVITO: Optic grab.

TYRUS: Yes. Optic grab. Yes.

GUTFELD: See? I didn't -- yes.

TYRUS: See?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: But I learn something new every day. Can't wait to see the Super Bowl. No one's going to be masked. All right. Emily?

COMPAGNO: Oh, I just -- well, I just wanted to say that --

GUTFELD: Did you just burp?

COMPAGNO: No.

GUTFELD: OK.

COMPAGNO: At that one --

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: No, I did not. I that one strip club Archibald, they have half magnums, half price magnums on Saturday night. I just wanted to say that.

GUTFELD: Amazing.

TYRUS: Are you sponsored?

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: I thought that was amazing.

DEVITO: Shut out.

TYRUS: Shout out.

GUTFELD: I wonder if it's really Archibald. We'll find out. Up next, Joe told her to take a hike after reading memes they didn't like.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: They brought out the knife against an anti-woke wife. Yes, the fake Real Housewives once you quiet if you don't support a leftist riot. She had shared offensive memes. Now her lives come apart at the seams. Bravo, the network not what people say when my towel falls off in the sauna has fired one of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City over old social media posts. Apparently, Jennie Nguyen seen here, shared what the network called offensive posts back in 2020.

Some of the memes bashed BLM and the 2020 riots, other posts if you can believe it were pro-police and anti-looting. Although from the petition to remove her, you think she posted excerpts from mine comp, but the lady gets canned for lack of decorum from Bravo. I'm sorry, have you seen their shows?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(CROSSTALK)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I'll give it to attorney.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No. Here's your (BLEEP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Go ahead. Show me. Show me.

(CROSSTALK)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hey, don't touchy my daughter.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Never ever get near my husband.

(CROSSTALK)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It's not like that all the time. I wish it was. What a waste of alcohol. You know, I actually read the posts, and while they were about as elegant as Alex Jones in a Speedo, they weren't that outrageous or even shocking. They just violated the political scripture that all people in the public eye must embrace, which is BLM good, cops bad. And so a groveling network statement reads in part.

We recognize we fail to take appropriate action. Once our offensive social media posts were brought to our attention. Moving forward, we will work to improve our processes to ensure we make better informed and more thoughtful casting decisions. God, I would have loved to see them writing that. As for when she since groveled too saying in part, but that it was speaking out against violence, but I've since learned how offensive and hurtful my words were.

It's why I continue to try to learn about perspectives different from my own. Yes, that must be genuine. Because reality T.V. stars don't ever lie. Of course all this has the fans wondering who will replace her. Let's go to the current front runner for comment.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: God, I already hate her. I want to throw. I want to throw a flute of champagne in that bitch. Tyrus, isn't getting fired from a show about awful people a good thing?

TYRUS: Yes. I would wear that as a badge of honor.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: I mean, reality, no. Real housewives? They're all divorced thrice. Like they're not real housewives. Have you ever seen a happy husband on any of these shows? And yes, Greg. Everything ends with throwing wine and champagne.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: But you know what, she was out of pocket. She sounds like a miserable person. And, you know, she was talking, she said some stuff about brothers. I was like, whoa, you're out of pocket. You know, like I -- you criticize your own. Stick to your own, don't hop in another lane. You know, so that's what she's guilty of. But for them to fire him then they get on their high horse literally is that Andy? Wasn't he drunk on New Years like just spewing stuff?

Any other --- any other TV show you'd be fired for being drunk at work or any other job. So they're hypocritical. These shows are just flaming dumpsters of just gas, they're horrible. The people are horrible. They fired her. And then they'll talk about her. And then if you check all of their stuff, every one of them should be fired. Hence, why they're all thrice divorced. And on a show where everything ends with, you don't talk to me like that.

Oh, and you and they throw -- OK. Sorry. I thought about it.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: If you are a housewife I'd let you do it.

TYRUS: You have to be an ex-wife.

TIMPF: Like I would love it.

GUTFELD: You're a real housewife. Could you -- could you see yourself there in 10 years?

TIMPF: Maybe like --

GUTFELD: When you're in your 50s?

TIMPF: Maybe like 20 years, third marriage by then probably.

GUTFELD: In your 60s?

TIMPF: Yes. Like, I'll need to get -- like -- yes, I'll find some decrepit billionaire. And just --

GUTFELD: No. You have to marry a guy that's got -- severely depressed and then -- and then you never see him very much. And then he just jumped off a bridge in the middle of the season.

TYRUS: And the whole time you make Cam stay your friend and live in the house.

TIMPF: I'll talk to him later.

TYRUS: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes, no. It's like I love reality T.V.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: I love -- yes. What does that supposed to mean? It's good.

GUTFELD: No. It's --

TIMPF: It's really good.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And it's not like -- it's not because these people are, you know, bastions of, you know, model citizens like -- it's because they're not. That's why you watch it because you sit on the couch and no matter where you are in your life --

GUTFELD: All right. This isn't a defense of that -- are you pro-firing?

TIMPF: I am saying that you need to be a bad person to be entertaining in reality T.V.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So that I can sit on the couch. That's why I watch it. No matter what is happening in my life. I can be like, I wouldn't act like that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I would never do that. She is crazy. That's why people like it. I don't agree with the stuff she said. But again, at the -- if there's ever a time when I'm sitting there watching a show like this, I'm like, oh, I really would vibe with that person.

GUTFELD: She actually didn't say anything. She shared a meme and some of it, I was like I've said this stuff on "THE FIVE."

I've said like, I don't like riots or looting. I didn't know any stuff about any black stuff she said. But Emily, sometimes I'm white watching and I go, you would love that atmosphere, wouldn't you?

COMPAGNO: No.

GUTFELD: No?

COMPAGNO: No.

GUTFELD: You're a cheerleader.

TYRUS: She's practicing?

COMPAGNO: I would love it. Not like that they like beat me up, then I can play the victim. That's like the whole new -- being a cheerleader is super supportive. Those are like your sisters. All of that is gnarly. But -- and the craziest part was when the woman that looked 80 years younger than the other one said, don't throw wine at my daughter. That plastic surgery was amazing. I just have to say that about this woman and what she said at the heart of a lot of her granted offensive comments, though, was talking about all of the anti-Asian sentiment.

And she was basically saying, but look what's happening to Asians in this country that is being ignored. Just literally today, San Francisco Bay Area reported a 567 percent increase in anti-Asian hate crimes. And yet everyone loses it because of her. You know, I understand the hyperbole. I understand getting out of the lane but unfortunately, the real message was totally lost. And somehow misdemeanors on air are fine and everyone can slap each other and do all of that stuff.

But as you said, if she goes against the political current, then that's when she has to get can't.

GUTFELD: Joe, is -- what do you -- where are you on this fire? No fire, no fire?

DEVITO: I don't watch the shows because I live on Long Island. So if I want to be around awful, rich women, I'll just go to the Americana mall and Manhasset and get experience.

GUTFELD: You know, I think that joke went over well, all over United.

DEVITO: I think they can -- I think they can do the math. Well, I guess it, I don't -- I don't watch the shows. It said --

(CROSSTALK)

DEVITO: It's said Real Housewives is --

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Throw wine at them.

GUTFELD: If I throw at him, it will just get lost --

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Look Gutfeld, don't you ever talk about my grandfather like that.

DEVITO: Her tweets are stupid.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: But stupid and mean is the brand.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Right.

DEVITO: So we shouldn't be too surprised. But the part I thought was weird, other than when it said Real Housewives of Salt Lake and I thought they were all married to the same man. That would (INAUDIBLE) they -- her tweets in her retweets, the reaction to them, OK. It started as they were insensitive. OK. That's -- I get that. Then they were racist. All right. Some of them were. But then it said they caused violence.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: It's like no, they didn't. You know, you can just say she's a terrible person. But this whole idea of that she's the worst person ever. Not true because of the tweets. True because the way she conducts herself elf in the way all these other horrible women do.

GUTFELD: Yes. See, I didn't -- you know, I didn't -- I never watch the show. If that show -- that montage we did was every day. I would watch that all the time. But I don't think it is.

TYRUS: Speaking of (INAUDIBLE)

TIMPF: Got to go the early --

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Wrestlers -- if we have to now jump out of buildings and stuff.

TIMPF: It was the early season.

TYRUS: Because reality T.V. is making it tough on us.

GUTFELD: That's a great point.

TYRUS: The things I have to do to get this title was unbelief.

GUTFELD: That's a great point.

(CROSSTALK)

COMPAGNO: -- the housewives of Fox. All of us.

TYRUS: I'm going to pass.

COMPAGNO: This could be the shot.

GUTFELD: I think that's a stupid idea.

COMPAGNO: Fine on you.

TYRUS: Your moral compass is sneaky and Honey Boo Boo. It's for you.

GUTFELD: You're in trouble. Up next, she's on her fourth base in running another congressional race.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Will Californians ever replace the senator with the plastic face? Yes, she's not quite six feet underground, yet insists on sticking around. But should voters be hostile to another term for this facile? All right, Nancy Pelosi answered the question everyone has been asking other than when will she fight Highlander? This week the eyebrow monster announced she's running for re-election.

But look at that rock that killed the dinosaurs didn't get her, then neither will the 2022 midterms. She first went to Congress in 1987. The year I was born, and has been the top dem in the house since 2003. Nancy made the announcement on Twitter with technical help from someone 1/8 her age and asked herself what are the three most important issues facing Congress?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. NANCY PELOSI (D-CA): When people ask me what are the three most important issues facing the Congress? I always say the same thing. Our children, our children, our children.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Our children, our children, our children. The last time I heard that it was a parent filing a police report outside CNN. But when she's in the arena, does she take a punch or throw a punch for the children?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PELOSI: As you hear me say, when you're in the arena, you have to be able to take a punch or throw a punch for the children.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: With all those punches, no wonder, she sounds like she has a concussion. But is this election crucial is nothing less at stake than our democracy?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PELOSI: This election is crucial. Nothing less is at stake than our democracy. But as we say, we don't agonize, we organize. And that is why I am running for reelection to Congress.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's what I say. But what is this obsession with children and why won't you just call it quits?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TIMPF: When I first announced I'd be running for Congress. I raised a lot of eyebrows, specifically my own, four inches above my face. What keeps me coming back like a looter to his favorite Walgreens? The children. The children. The children. The children. The children that chill -- I'm going to keep serving the children, even as their parents pack up a U-haul and moves out of state.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: All right, that was, that was -- that's plastic. I don't know who was playing her. So, Kat, what would you tell Nancy, well done, by the way.

TIMPF: Thanks. It hurts my face to do that.

GUTFELD: But it was worth it. I got enjoy it -- you're suffering, if you're suffering makes me smile, it's worth it.

TIMPF: No, I know. Yes, look, I get that once you've been rich and powerful, it's probably really hard, I guess to go back to just being rich.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: What, what's the point of like, you know, using your power to enrich yourself, if you never take any time to just chill out and enjoy the spoils of your little skin.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Exactly. It's like, come on. Why are you still there? Emily? Shouldn't it be not children, children, children, it should be feces, feces, feces, because that's all you see. She's showing San Francisco. That's all it is. It's poop, poop, poop --

COMPAGNO: It's true. If that was really the four sisters behind her and not just a green screen, then she would have gotten hit in the side of the head by (BLEEP) halfway through what she was saying. You're absolutely right. And that -- what, what character is it with the teether like filed into points. That's what I just keep thinking when I see her like children, children. You know what I'm talking about?

GUTFELD: No.

TIMPF: No.

COMPAGNO: Roald Dahl, like one of his characters, maybe? Anyway, she also went on to say that there was an assault on democracy in the way of three things she said. An assault on the truth, the assault on the Capitol, and an assault on voting rights. So, she tells you right now what the playbook is for the Democrat Party in terms of narrative going into the midterms and going into 2024. And we just have to keep remembering that that load of (BLEEP) is exactly why there's going to be a red wave takeover.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's true. None of those things are priorities for the people that are suffering from crime or, or human poop, Joe. I love it. Every it's the meat of the playbook. It's always about the children -- that's been going on for like 30 years. It started I think, in the 80s. It's like, it never, they never helped the children. Nothing they do actually ever helps kids. We're seeing that with the pandemic.

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Yes, well, she wants the children for this sweet, sweet stem cells in their blood. To help rejuvenate her. Yes, it's, we've got to get rid of these old people, they've accumulated too much power. I understand the older folks, no fancy for wisdom, your life experience to share this, but I can't think of the job or someone would say, get me an 81-year-old.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: That's what we need in here. So, they got to get her out of there. And Emily, you make excellent point there that they're set. They talk about, we've got to respect democracy, but they're already sowing the seeds there of if we don't win, everything is a fraud. And that is not democracy, democracy -- you have to accept the results of the fair elections. So, let's have fair elections. But don't play this game. Of if you win, everything's great; and if you don't, the system's broken and needs to be overturned.

GUTFELD: Yes. Tyrus, she doesn't want -- it's, you know, as what Kat, originally said, it's not just about wealth. She can't let go the perks that come with the power of being in a powerful place.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: OK, I'm actually ashamed of all of you that anyone would be surprised that she's running again. Don't you know that every senator or the Congressman stays till they die? That's the rule. You get to die on the chair and you still get you record your votes after depending on how (INAUDIBLE) sets it on your fingers in which way you vote. But the fact that she's still bringing up children --

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Even after the Hansel and Gretel incident? You know, I'm saying like, you know, when she was when she originally ran, she promised a gingerbread house with a candy and you know, and the whole kids in the oven thing. But apparently, you know, enough time has passed to where now she can talk about the children again. So, I would imagine you're going to see a lot of investments in candy and stocks from, from her not that she was the insider trading whatever. And missing children in the neighborhoods. So, be careful.

GUTFELD: All righty. Coming up, who will the President support for a seat on the court?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: His last name is Breyer and he's going to retire. Liberal Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer plans on stepping down, he's had enough of all the bull poop it seems. Breyer has been on the bench for 28 years, nearly as long as I've been alive.

Biden White House reportedly let this retirement announcement leak and according to our very own Chief Justice Correspondent, the evil Shannon Bream, Breyer was reportedly ticked off or surprised by the news coming out today. Meanwhile, here are some potential replacements.

Earlier today, Jen Psaki announced that Biden remains committed to nominating a black woman to the bench, which means unless I identify as one which I may I'm out. Joe, you have a theory. I'd like to hear it.

DEVITO: I do have a theory. Here's what I think is going to happen. Biden is on his last legs. Kamala is unelectable. So, what he's going to do is he's going to move her to the Supreme Court and nominate her because he says he wants to have a black woman in these roles. He seems to be comfortable nominating the same black woman.

GUTFELD: Right. He only knows one.

DEVITO: He only knows one. Puts her in the Supreme Court, then he gets to nominate a vice, Vice President. That vice president comes in under Article Two, the 25th Amendment, Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton comes in as vice president, then in collusion with his chief of staff using the Section IV of the 25th Amendment. They gang up on by and say he's inept, they bump him out. Hillary Clinton finally becomes President. Her Vice President Stacey Abrams. Hillary Clinton becomes the first female president and enables the election of the first black female president.

GUTFELD: But I see a variation on your on your theory. It's not going to be Hillary, Nancy Pelosi --

DEVITO: Next in line --

GUTFELD: That's why she's running again, Emily.

COMPAGNO: This is totally terrifying. That was sort of half inconceivable from Princess Bride and half the Truffle Shuffle from Goonies, but you're not wrong.

DEVITO: I'm not.

COMPAGNO: I think, I think, first of all, the leak aspect of this shouldn't go unnoticed, like you mentioned in the intro, which is because we because this came out. This is why we're not talking about Ukraine. We're not talking about North Korea. We're not talking about China. We're not talking about all the failures of this administration and Biden, etcetera.

So, I feel bad actually, for Justice Breyer. This is like what something cool happens to you and all of a sudden, your friend tells everyone else before you can tell them. They totally stole his thunder. I actually think the nomination is going to be less exciting. I think it will be just Jackson who clerked for Briar she's a current D.C. Circuit Judge nominated by --

GUTFELD: We don't care about that.

COMPAGNO: OK. I think it's going to be pretty cool.

GUTFELD: If you don't have a theory or a concern conspiracy, Emily, who the hell do you think you are?

COMPAGNO: I'm sorry.

GUTFELD: Tyrus, there's a lot of leaking going on in the Biden White House.

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: It's not just from his, you know what --

TYRUS: I guess it just depends where they're coming, am I right? There you go, Gutfeld. Thank you. Fine. That's the only I'm ever going to play that game with you again. Do not add on to it. I'm telling -- I will walk out of here. I just feel like I'm Dr. Evil and the Democratic Party of Scotts and someone has been binge watching Netflix lately. Yes, a lot of movie references. I believe the monster you're looking for was the clown from "IT," but it's all good.

COMPAGNO: Oh, yes.

TYRUS: Thank you. That's what we do. We solve problems, but completely lost my train of thought now. I'm thinking about a little clown. You know, how I feel about hate clowns.

GUTFELD: No, you hate them. Because you love them.

TYRUS: Yes, but they just don't get it. My point is they don't get it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You don't have to say I'm going to elect a black woman in the Supreme Court. Just do it. Why do you have to say it? If you diminish the accomplishments, or whoever is going to be a good point. It's like, gut filled. I'm going to add a smart ass big black guy on my show. Tyrus, and I'm like, oh, did I get it because I'm funnier because literally no one else fit that mold within six miles of this area. They always ruin it, in its polite racism and I hate it.

GUTFELD: That's such a -- it's a great point, Kat. What are your thoughts?

TIMPF: Yes, it's, I agree. But also, it's so easy for him to do that. And people on the left don't see it that way. So, he doesn't have to say anything. But like, yes, it'll be it'll be a black lady. And I'm like, Oh, great. Like, that's his, like, that's his, you know, free bird. He's like, oh, black lady. There'll be a black lady. Yes. I mean, it's lazy. But it's, it's it works. Unfortunately, people were like, you know what, that's so great. He said, black lady, what a great guy.

GUTFELD: I'm predicting. Merrick Garland will identify as a black lady, and he will be ushered in. And then I'm going to accuse him of doing something awful to me in the distant past. And I will come and I be interviewed. I don't know what it is that I'm going to accuse him of. But it's going to be so gnarly and gross, that people are going to actually be throwing up during the testimony. And then I will need my complete privacy.

TYRUS: Use Chucky as the doll.

GUTFELD: Yes. Show me on Chucky. Where Merrick Garland. I'm sorry Mary Garland touched you. Sorry for dead naming. Sorry for dead naming you, Mary.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Up next, a stand-up comic in disbelief when he records a suspected thief.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Actor, Michael Rapaport, meets a crook who doesn't give a crap- paport? Yes, minor celebrity is floored by a shoplifter shamelessly collecting a hoard. Retired entertainer, Michael Rapaport, filmed a shoplifting suspect at a Rite Aid in NYC the other day then posted the whole thing on Instagram with a colorful commentary, which sounds like a documentary on his hometown turning into Disney Land for criminals.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm looking at this dude. This dude is -- I can't believe, I'm seeing it. I was watching him the whole time. My man just went Christmas shopping in January. He got the condoms. The shampoo.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Condoms and shampoo. Well, I think we can cross Pete Hegseth off that suspect list. Yes, condoms and shampoo. Maybe the crook was going to have sex with a promiscuous wig. Did you notice that the shoplifter walked calmly past the security guard; that security guard reminds me of gun control. He doesn't stop criminals either. But the bigger crime, Michael Rapaport, epiphany that NYC is a lawless criminal hellhole. He's a pretty good actor, I guess. But he shouldn't act surprised, Tyrus. How did he not know this was happening?

TYRUS: How does he call himself a filmmaker? That was some of the worst video and you know, he's one of those guys who loves to tell everybody how it should be? Yes. He's in your face guy. Yes. And here's the guy half your size with his hands full of bags. And you could have citizen arrested him. You could have put hands on him. And you would have been a hero but you were afraid and didn't start talking until he was 100 yards away. He looked me in my face.

I'm like, what's up, man? Can you believe this? You literally hid behind security. No one else saw, the reason why we read security is because badass Rapaport was hiding behind him. And that the reason why security couldn't get him is because it's hard to stop people when someone's behind you holding on to you. It's extremely hard.

GUTFELD: Oh my God, perfect!

TYRUS: So, the coward guy's thousands, but can always tell you about it. Shame on you, man.

GUTFELD: Kat, thoughts.

TIMPF: Now, he gets to use this as a T.V. credit. No, I look at the shoplifter. And I'm not I don't think that he's insane. Like I'm like there's a guy who gets it.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

TIMPF: I'm insane for not buying this stuff. Right? Why am I making it a two-step process?

GUTFELD: No, it's true. It's true. If this is legal, why are you doing it? Joe, what are your thoughts?

DEVITO: Well, not exactly. Attenborough and the commentary on that --

TYRUS: Sir.

DEVITO: Yes, it shows you that. What's the role of a security guard now? I don't blame the guy. He's going to get shanked began to try to stop someone and if he does intervene, someone films that and goes on social media, the company's not going to back them up. What do we say? At least the robber brought his own bag so it's good for the environment.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

DEVITO: This is New York City now and if you obey the law, you feel like a sucker. And every time I go to get onto the subway and I see someone hop over the turnstile, I think why don't I do that? And the answer is, I have arthritic hips.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: If you obey the rules, you get punished for it. So, what's going to happen is this store is going to have no stores.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's closing.

DEVITO: -- neighborhood, and then people going to say oh, how come we can't have a drugstore in our neighborhood? And this is going to be why because nobody stopped this years ago.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: That's going to be the drugstore.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. That store by the way. Emily, the store is closing so elderly people like Rapaport will have to walk further distance to get their meds.

COMPAGNO: Well, he does live with his mom, I think, so he's, he's --

GUTFELD: That's delightful. Good for him.

TYRUS: He did the right thing.

COMPAGNO: Yes. Yes, well, here's the thing.

GUTFELD: Nicely done.

TYRUS: Thank you.

COMPAGNO: So, first of all, after this video comes out, then Walgreens says, oh, we didn't have anything reported, like we didn't, didn't have any. This is why the argument from the left is no shoplifting is actually decreasing. It's because retail stores are failing to report it because they don't want to why bother? Hashtag why bother? And as you pointed out, the security guard, why bother that just risks his own life, it all makes sense.

And then when all of these clothes, all of the employees, the elderly that depend on it for their medicine, for their vaccinations, for their food -- the 15 that closed in San Francisco, a family that lived near it, watch the elderly get off the bus to it, they said this Walgreens fed my family.

So, if Pelosi really does care about children in San Francisco, if the left really does care about equality and access, then Jen Psaki wouldn't be making jokes about margaritas and peloton because that's not what people get at Walgreens. They get everything that they need -- the basics.

TYRUS: And condoms so they don't have to have children.

GUTFELD: There you go. All right, don't go away. We will be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We're out of time. Thanks to Emily Compagno, Joe DeVito, Kat Timpf, Tyrus. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.

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