This is a rush transcript of "Gutfeld" on January 18, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Clap. Clap like you're about to die. Clap. Happy Tuesday, everyone. What a great show we have tonight. Like a packet of smoked meat sticks. We got two Slim Jims. Jim Norton and Jimmy Failla. Yes. One looks like it escaped serial killer who targets the homeless, and the other one looks like his next victim. Dagen looks like the one who'd find the body while she was jogging and then takes the watch.

While Kat takes a kidney. She says it's good for the skin. Now there's a good chance that I make you sick to your stomach, like say a 40 percent chance about the same as you'd get if you eat the clam plate at Denny's. That's according to University of Nebraska experts who claim that four in 10 people cite politics as a top life stressor. It's so bad that it causes insomnia, destroys relationships, and for at least five percent causes them to feel suicidal.

And so does watching Emily in Paris, but I'm not quitting that either. It really is delightful. In the second season getting picked up for a third. They blame politics for causing fatigue, anger and compulsive behaviors. And that's just from the staff of "FOX AND FRIENDS." Quarter claim they're thinking of moving because of the politics in their state, especially California, which explains why you halls are harder to find than an actress with her real nose.

Can you blame them? Politics suck. And our politicians are suckier. Look at them. Their faces should be on the back of household cleaning products to induce vomiting if swallowed. And Pelosi's is investment success has raised some eyebrows, including hers to the top of her forehead. Were a country run by evil rejects from the Muppets, except they've got their hands up your butt. And it doesn't feel as good as it used to.

So much like smoking weed. Politics started as a thing to prevent people from killing each other. You created a process that enables debate to eliminate the need for duels, which is good. Tried buying a decent sword on Amazon. I've tried. But over time, politics has become less of a mayhem reducer and more of the opposite of conflict stirrer. Why is it getting worse? Well, experts blame social media Web sites podcasts and the nonstop T.V. news cycle.

But notice how they leave out legacy media. It's on us and not them. But one thing is true. Cable News has a content problem, which is a time problem. How do you fill 24 hours with 20 minutes of news? It's like trying to feed Brian Stelter only one box of Twinkies. So you just repeat it over and over and over again. Back when I was a kid, you got your news at 6:00 p.m. Then you finished your Swanson's T.V. dinner, adjusted your polio braces and all was right with the world.

Too soon? I don't know. Now we can take one story and like the skin on Jerry Nadler's trunk stretch it for three days. The media declares a crisis then covers their coverage of it then covers reaction to their coverage. No wonder people feel bad. But just imagine how much happier you be if you tuned it all out.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh my god morning. Did you see the news last night? It's infuriating. I couldn't sleep.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh no. I was stargazing. The universe is wonderful.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Do you read this? Crazy stuff is happening.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh no. I just put in hiring this beautiful drawing my niece made me.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Have you listened to the podcast Angry Men Discuss Politics?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh no. I've been listening to sounds of the ocean.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh my God. You better educate yourself or you're never going to survive.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Excellent acting. But here's the kicker. People actually now feel worse under Biden than in Trump. When Trump was president. According to Gallup in just one year, we saw a swing from a nine-point Democratic advantage to a five-point GOP edge. That's a shift of 14 points according to our points shifting department. Shout out to Seth. Good job. That's pretty big when you consider the media it's still 95 percent liberal.

And also that Biden was supposed to be a jar of relief factor after Trump's four-year rug burn. Biden was supposed to bring people together, except we didn't know would be in a line waiting for COVID tests. So people feel worse under Joe perhaps because he's more divisive than a -- than a magician with a circular saw. Now your instinct is to blame these guys. Understandable. They're a-holes, but they're being led by bigger a-holes.

Our politicians now Chase recognition from the most extreme media types. To get the dopamine rush the Dems throw that beast more red meat and 24 hours than a zookeeper on Ritalin, which why Biden instead of fighting crime or inflation, calls half of America bigots. His staff is merely checking what crap tends to trend on woke Twitter and then spoon feeds it to the old coot like his wife does his strain beats. What say you, Joe?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Come on, man. Look, look, look. Some people think I'm angry. Don't believe everything you hear. I'm never angry. I'm Uncle Joe. Right? People like me and I don't believe people are as unhappy as they say, it depends on who you ask. It depends on who count the votes. Count the votes. Count the votes. Count the votes. OK. Well, it comes and goes.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It does come and go. But also look at the modern progressive activist. We've seen Antifa mug shots, pale faces, purple hair, rotted teeth, lazy eyes. What Jim Norton calls a solid nine. Study finds the people most vulnerable to political stress are younger, lean Democrat, and are more actively engaged in political causes. They're more likely to dye their hair shocking colors, too.

That's nature's way of warning you about poisonous frogs, or a poisonous liberal arts major. But it makes sense. If you choose an angry, bitter framing of the world, you too will be angry and bitter. If you view everything through a racial prism, you might end up with your own show on MSNBC. But you won't find a moment of happiness in your life. Everything's racist, it's joyless. You'll be constantly pissed off by your faulty framing, and no one wants to be around that.

Finally, the researchers see their data as a bad sign for democracy that people view politics as harmful, they won't get involved. And why is that bad exactly? They just said the more involved you are, the worse it is. Maybe swallowing all that junk food is bad for you. If you're injecting politics into everything from sports to house pain, you're replacing knowledge with rhetoric and losing friends, family and your mind in the process.

So if your head hurts, because you keep hitting it with a hammer, then put down the hammer. Or if you're Don Lemon keep at it, it can only help.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He's not allowed within 50 feet of school yards, junk yards or bar yards. Comedian and co-hosty of Jim Norton and Sam Roberts show on Sirius XM, Jim Norton. Yes. She's the crappiest Virginian this side of the Chesapeake Bay, Fox Business Anchor Dagen McDowelll. He's hailed by all comedy lovers, to give them a ride home after the show. Because he's a cab driver.

"FOX ACROSS AMERICA" host Jimmy Failla (INAUDIBLE) whatever. And she asked her accountant if hair extensions are a tax write off. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. Jimmy, it is great to see you. I thought you hated me.

JIM NORTON, COMEDIAN: No, I love you.

GUTFELD: Oh. We hadn't talked in so long. Sometimes I'd lay awake at night and stare at a grainy picture of you I took.

NORTON: I would do the same thing. And I'm probably doing the same thing you were doing in my picture. I don't know about that.

GUTFELD: Do politics make you sick? And if so, why? By the way, I couldn't ever tell your politics when we were doing Red Eye. I never knew where you stood on anything. It was amazing.

NORTON: Greg, I believe that five people can sit in a circle with their legs crossed. We can agree on anything. And politics is really how I get myself primed to make love.

GUTFELD: Oh, really?

NORTON: Oh, yeah. I like to say who I voted for in the primaries while she puts clothes pins on my nipples. Yes, not enough political talk.

GUTFELD: That is your foreplay. Hmm. Well, you know, Dagen. Some people see politics as a sport, right? It's like -- to them Fox News is their ESPN.

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS ANCHOR: No.

GUTFELD: No?

MCDOWELL: No. Sports or sports. I -- politics doesn't make me sick though. People do.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: I really hate people.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Hate people. Particularly people who are so sure about their own beliefs that they don't think that they have opinions about anything that they have complete certitude in what they think and what they believe is right and just and then if you disagree with them, they treat you well like your inhuman, like a racist sleaze stack.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: With a bad cough.

GUTFELD: Oh.

MCDOWELL: Why -- they want to win people and they'll argue with you using delicious factoids from Bette Midler's Twitter feed. You know, the people who are going to watch Rex Chapman show on CNN Plus.

GUTFELD: That is so far removed from reality. I don't even know who that is. But he's on CNN Plus which means that no one know who he is.

MCDOWELL: No. It said (BLEEP) on Twitter who just like --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: -- on Twitter.

JIMMY FAILLA, FOX NEWS HOST: So far that's all of them.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: To your point, it's like people that are that striding in politics, their filter is too narrow to have an actual broad conversation about anything because everything goes back to race. Everything goes back to oppression. Everything goes back to owning the Libs, whatever.

MCDOWELL: Right. And they never have any -- well, they get their information from -- like Bette Midler and Cher, and Nicolle Wallace. That is their -- that is the circle and cycle of idiocy.

GUTFELD: The three-headed -- yes, it's a three-headed beast.

MCDOWELL: Yes.

GUTFELD: With only sharing one brain. You know, Jimmy, Men's Wearhouse called when they released a statement they don't like the way you look.

FAILLA: Get out of town.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Normally, God, if you had --

GUTFELD: You're liker a homeless Don Johnson.

FAILLA: Well, I always say this is like my Jacksonville vice look, like I'm not good looking enough for Miami Vice.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: But also it's like an unspoken thing. When you have another comic on the panel wearing white is a way of telling them there's someone who can get cocaine (INAUDIBLE) proximity. It's like a -- it's like a little safety sign for hand gestures. Normally, I would attack you but I actually have a question tonight. I've considered a fair question. If they ever reboot the T.V. show Webster, is Emmanuel Lewis going to want his wardrobe back?

GUTFELD: Oh. Is he still alive?

FAILLA: I don't even know.

GUTFELD: I hope he's alive and writes an angry letter to you.

FAILLA: God lover, but he'd be well within his rights.

GUTFELD: You know he's like 60s, so, who cares?

FAILLA: Anybody who doesn't think like politics damages your mental health to a point you made earlier has never been on Twitter, which really is as, you know, it's just a fight club for people who don't want to get hit, you know. You can post a picture of your dog on Twitter. And within two comments, someone's like, yes, but Trump, and you're like, yes, my dog didn't vote for Trump. My dog has no idea.

But I think part of the reason why we've gotten to this place of like hostility as I think your analogy about ESPN is valid. I think people are rooting for their party so hard that they're just blindly taking sides now regardless of whether or not it's good or it's sane, or it's factual. They just want their side to be right. And what happened to the left, the reason they're hemorrhaging support is they're not a cool party anymore.

Like the left used to be a free speech, sex, drugs and rock'n'roll party. They were cool. They want every culture war, rather on the wrong side of that issue. And like the Rage Against the Machine, people are now in the machine. Like they're like screw you. You don't support Big Pharma in the government. Yes. Like psychotic.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: So somehow they made the right which is criminally uncool. Kind of cool.

GUTFELD: Yes. It's the Dean Wormer effect. They used to be animal house, and we used to be Dean Wormer. Now we're Animal House and there Dean Warmer. There's only two characters you can play in life. It's Animal House and Dean Wormer. Kat, politics sucks. But is there something that we can replace it with? Like, if you take politics away. Why won't we just go back to beating each other to death.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRUTOR: I feel like if two adults consent to a dual they should be able to dual.

GUTFELD: Oh, really? I like that. You little libertarian would be for that.

TIMPF: Why not?

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. That's actually a good point.

TIMPF: I have -- I'm full of them, Greg. Full of good points.

GUTFELD: I think those are needles.

TIMPF: No. I've never done anything intravenously. OK? I toe the line. Yes. No. I think that most people are independents.

FAILLA: Yes, yes.

TIMPF: And -- but you would not know that by looking at something like Twitter. But then you'll see people in like your real life to get radicalized for partisan reasons. I've lost friends that way. The fact that I have people who hate me because of my politics is crazy -- like me, like I'm an annoying attention seeking nightmare of a person but sure, like my politics is going to be the problem that you have with me only if you're crazy.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. I don't even get to your politics.

TIMPF: No.

GUTFELD: I mean, I stopped just meeting you. I had him like get the hell away from this lady.

TIMPF: But I'm still here. How many years later?

GUTFELD: I don't know.

NORTON: I have a (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: You got pictures. And not of to me, that's the weird thing with me.

NORTON: She's got them of me.

GUTFELD: And I'm standing above you. That's the weird thing. I'm out of the shot. Well, part of me. All right. We got to move on. Up next, the warriors shooting dunk, but as one of their owners are heartless punk.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: An NBA owner honestly implied no one cares about genocide. Yes, he told the truth about the Uyghurs which didn't set what sit well with the leaguers. That speak of Silicon Valley venture capitalist Chamath Palihapitiya. Yes. That Chamath Palihapitiya. I destroyed his name. He's part owner of the Golden State Warriors, a popular dance squad, Kat. And got hammered online for his comments about the NBA and the Uyghurs.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CHAMATH PALIHAPITIYA, GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS CO-OWNER: CAPITALIST: Nobody cares about what's happening to the Uyghurs, OK? You bring it up because you really care and I think that's nice that you care. The rest of us don't care.

(CROSSTALK)

PALIHAPITIYA: I'm just telling you very hard --

(CROSSTALK)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You're saying you personally don't care?

PALIHAPITIYA: I'm telling you a very hard, ugly truth. OK? Of all the things that I care about. Yes, it is below my line.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: What a tech nerd who lacks empathy. Wait until they hear about this back on Mark Zuckerberg's home planet. But let's be honest, he had the guts to say out loud with a money grubbing NBA really thinks of the Uyghurs genocide in communist China, which is not much. Fact is the NBA makes way more money ignoring Chinese genocide. But after taking more heat than a jockstrap full of Tiger Balm. Oh.

He tweeted some clarifying comments, quotes. In re-listening to this week's podcast I recognize I come across as lacking empathy. As a refugee my family fled a country with its own set of human rights issues. So this is something that's very much apart of my lived experience. To be clear my belief is that human rights matter whether in China the United States or elsewhere full stop. Oh. Full stop.

I knew he was lying when he claimed he re-listened to a podcast. No one's done that ever. He also said full stop, before actually telling us what P.R. firm wrote that. As for the Warriors, they're running from Chamath faster than Jim Norton from a Catch a Predator film crew. They call him a limited investor who doesn't speak on their behalf. But they also don't say a peep about the Uyghurs.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

We go now to our NBA Correspondent, Mr. Laptop cat for more insight.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wow, that was jarring and abrupt for an exit strategy from the segments. I maybe felt that it had some substance there, Kat. But apparently I made a grievous error. And I hope that cat is doing well better than you, our Kat. You know a lot about sports and genocide. Isn't this guy a hero for speaking truth no matter how repellent the truth is?

TIMPF: He was, could have been maybe. I mean, because he said, I'm sorry that I came across as not having empathy. That's not what happened. He doesn't have -- he said, I don't care. That's explicitly saying that you don't have empathy. And you don't have sympathy. So at least then even though he was obviously expressing something, you know, vile, he was being honest. Now he's vile and a liar.

GUTFELD: Oh. No, vile and honest.

TIMPF: No, because now he's saying I didn't express empathy. I'm sorry. No, you explicitly said you don't have empathy.

GUTFELD: All right. All right.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: -- you came across. You were like, I don't give a (BLEEP) about the genocide. That's what he said.

GUTFELD: See, here's thing. Jimmy, could this have been a clever way to paint the NBA into a corner? Because the NBA had to condemn him. How do they condemn him without actually making a statement about the Uyghurs.

FAILLA: But to that point, they didn't paint him into a corner for that reason, because what he responded with -- what they responded with was no acknowledgement what went on in China. What he responded with was like a woke word salad of my lived experience.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: Which means nothing. Full stop means nothing. It's straight jargon. The NBA --

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: -- is -- they're such a garbage fraud of social justice crusaders.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: Because this isn't new. Enes Kanter, OK? Who's on the Celtics. Where's the shoes every night about the genocide in China? And if you remember, Daryl Morey, who was the Houston Rockets G.M. was now on the Sixers, when he sided with Hong Kong protests, right? LeBron James was like he needs to reeducate himself.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: Which is hardly we're standing up for the oppressed.

GUTFELD: Maybe go to a camp (INAUDIBLE) get reeducated.

FAILLA: Check it out.

GUTFELD: Is that what you're talking about? You know, Jimmy -- Jim, sorry, you're Jimmy, you're Jim. It is true that like ESPN and Steve Carell and all these other people. They're like, social justice, social justice. Black Lives Matter. Uyghurs we don't care.

NORTON: Yes. And I only take my social cues from the Harlem Globetrotters. As far as basketball is concerned.

GUTFELD: I agree, Curly. Did you ever get his thoughts?

NORTON: You know, Greg -- funny story. I went to see the Harlem Globetrotters when I was a kid. And there was no Curly Neal. And yet the guy took his wig off and he was bald. It was Curly Neal. We didn't think he was coming. Oh. Back after this.

GUTFELD: Did you actually really see though?

NORTON: Of course, I did. Yes.

GUTFELD: Back then.

NORTON: Back with (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: Oh. That was amazing. There you are. That was a great time.

NORTON: Yes. They want to.

GUTFELD: Yes. I don't understand why they couldn't beat the NBA teams.

NORTON: I don't know.

GUTFELD: Did you ever ask yourself that?

NORTON: Yes. And why are they throwing buckets of confetti? It was a great time.

GUTFELD: It was a great time. I don't even know what we're talking about, Dagen anymore. All I know is you look great and glue.

MCDOWELL: You're a liar.

GUTFELD: Am I going to be the only one who defends this guy? Just because - -

MCDOWELL: Yes. You're the only one that's going to defend this guy. You know why? He is indefensible because he used the phrase to be clear.

NORTON: Oh, I love that.

MCDOWELL: In that that statement. That is your (BLEEP) for life. He used that. And he also equated China with the United States.

(CROSSTALK)

MCDOWELL: -- human rights in the statement.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: And his -- and in the podcast he talks about below his line of caring is genocide. But above it is climate change.

GUTFELD: Oh, it's tue that bastard.

MCDOWELL: So -- but he's going -- so what's the idea here that he's going to genuflect in front of China and beg them to cut their pollution and emissions just a smidge. Just a little bit to save mother earth, but you're going to add the genocide and the rape and the forced sterilization and the dehumanization and taken away human rights. I'm OK with that. That's what he said.

FAILLA: Can I just tack on one thing though for real? If a white executive said this, the NBA would be boycotting the playoffs tonight. They would be no regular season games. It would be over.

GUTFELD: I like the cut of your jib, injecting race into the end of the segment. All way out.

FAILLA: Yes, yes.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: We're having a meeting later after if you want to come by.

NORTON: Well, it's like my old friend Donald Sterling said. Oh.

MCDOWELL: I got that.

GUTFELD: I know. Who can forget -- is he alive or dead?

NORTON: I don't know a lot.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: You know, he's alive in our hearts but dead on earth. All right. Up next. Mexico puts an end to serial push by cartoon friends.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Mexico calls in the troops to seize breakfast flakes pops and loops. Yes. Mexico for bids American cereals for kids. 380,000 boxes of Kellogg's cereal were seized in Mexico for violating laws that ban cartoon mascots from marketing to children. Completely disregarding the medical expertise of tigers, frogs and bears.

In response, General Mills has switched to using Mexican drug cartels, their great. I know. Yes, that sucked. So, vast batches of cornflakes and Special K were taken during a warehouse raid north of Mexico City. Yes, they raided a place for cornflakes and Special K, and not even the fun Special K, Kat.

TIMPF: I get it.

GUTFELD: Still, part of her complete breakfast. Good for her. But that has to be the most boring raid ever. Sorry, I'm not getting my head blown off over a box of fiber one, your constipation just isn't worth it to me. But I guess it's easier than fighting drugs, right? The Mexican Consumer Protection Agency also took issue with the lack of clear nutritional labeling like calories and sugar content. And also, some of the prizes were complete (BLEEP). Of course, no one wants to eat cereal with an adult on the box, right?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Well, right. Failla flakes for breakfast and it comes with a free wardrobe. Oh, boy, this is the worst day of my life.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I got to get rid of the clothes somewhere. Dagen, could you argue that breakfast cereals do more damage than drugs? I would rather be high than fat.

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK ANCHOR: What -- I ate sugary cereal my entire childhood and I'm clearly fine. I've got a head full of metal fillings.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: And I have a huge addiction to sugar.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Plus, I have had lifelong nightmares about a vicious little leprechaun humping marshmallows.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: But look at, look at Jimmy. He's Fred Flintstone over here humping from fruity pebbles.

JIMMY FAILLA, COMEDIAN: Love it.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

FAILLA: All day.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Is it fruity pebbles? Yes.

FAILLA: Failla Flakes -- keep up.

MCDOWELL: Coco.

GUTFELD: I love, I love -- Jimmy, I love the cereal aisle and not for the clientele. But the, the, the, the just the entire array of selections.

FAILLA: Yes.

GUTFELD: It's mind blowing. It's incredible. Is that like, that could be the best thing America does. Should we invade Mexico and get our cereal back?

JIM NORTON, SIRIUS XM RADIO HOST: That's an excellent question, Greg. And it's appropriate that I talk about this since I've gotten fat. Let's be really honest. You think I don't know my head looks like one of John Candy's testicles? I want to look at myself in camera. But yes, you know the reason they turned on me and this joke is really going to bomb, but I'm going to plow ahead. The reason that Mexicans feel this way is because when they arrested El Chapo, he was in the honeycomb hideout. Boo! Boo!

GUTFELD: Kat. Is a great Jim Norton classic joke.

NORTON: Thank you.

GUTFELD: Yes. Oh, my God. Oh, just the best priority for Mexico, Jimmy.

FAILLA: What's up? No.

GUTFELD: Jimmy, you're on a show.

FAILLA: Nobody. Nobody laughed harder at the cereal factory raid then the guys in the submarine sailing across our border with 2000 pounds of fentanyl.

GUTFELD: That's true.

FAILLA: But how, like, demeaning is this the Kellogg? Because this is a government that will let you swallow a balloon full of heroin and leave the country but they won't let you swallow Kellogg's Frosted Flakes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: No, I get the whole idea though that 73 percent of the children in the country are obese.

GUTFELD: Right.

FAILLA: But I think they should embrace the upside to that which is kidnappings are down.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: You know what I mean?

GUTFELD: Well, they're heavy.

FAILLA: You aren't getting these kids into the car and time to elude the police.

GUTFELD: Not if you're eating cookie crisp.

FAILLA: You got to look at the upside.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: I agree with the woman who played Daisy Duke in the back of season with Coy and Vance. I think she makes a lot of good points over here.

GUTFELD: Says the guy who looks like the guy who should be giving me directions to a massage parlor. Best case scenario.

But it is funny, Kat, like cooking crisps cereal is just a bowl of cookies. Did you -- did you ever eat an entire box of cereal? I have. It's like unstoppable. You have a favorite. Whether it's Captain Crunch or anything. I will, I will sit down, and when I've got enough milk, I will not stop. I'm like a horse with hay. I don't even know that -- you don't do that?

TIMPF: I feel like nobody wants to hear my opinion on obesity. Let alone like childhood obesity. I don't have kids or obesity or obese kids. So, I feel like whatever I say people be like, That's so insensitive. I'm like, hey, your kids overweight give them a little nicotine gum. But I would never say that.

GUTFELD: I hope that somebody takes that out of context, and post that on - -

TIMPF: Kills the appetite but --

GUTFELD: Yes, and post that on some media Web site.

TIMPF: I would never ever say that.

MCDOWELL: Yes, chase your Captain Crunch with some Robot Tussen.

GUTFELD: We are. We are not a good place for health, for health tips.

TIMPF: No.

FAILLA: Oddly enough, this segment peaked at the honeycomb hideout.

GUTFELD: They did.

NORTON: I forget that that commercial is 40 years old, but I love that as a boy.

GUTFELD: Yes. It did. And well, I always wanted to go to the honeycomb hideout. It was basically a fort and a tree.

NORTON: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

NORTON: It looks like so much fun.

GUTFELD: Oh, I know.

NORTON: Come to the kind of Honeycomb hideout.

GUTFELD: Yes. I would, I would worry that maybe I wouldn't be invited.

NORTON: Yes.

GUTFELD: That was the thing. Like, I wasn't cool enough for the honeycomb hideout. The kids always were really cool.

FAILLA: Where are they?

GUTFELD: All right, coming up, the takedown was cleaned for this dancing machine.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: The King of Pop makes a bad guy drop. Yes, drunk gets disgraced when an impersonator moonwalks on his face. It's time for --

ANNOUNCER: "T-SHIRT TALES." Ah, yes.

GUTFELD: Wow. Spent a lot of time on that. Yes, some random idiot randomly attacked a Michael Jackson impersonator in Las Vegas. His name? Santana Jackson. Look at this, apparently, while the Tribute Artists was performing, the man suddenly started hitting them. Too bad he didn't know that Santana, in addition to annoying pedestrians, is also a pretty good wrestler, and honed his grappling skills with Tito, Jermaine, and Jackie, and Marlon. I don't believe that. That's caught on video by terrible people that contribute nothing except to our show.

He sweeps the assailants leg, takes him down with a chokehold, and then he applies several skillful chokeholds until the attacker is subdued like a sleeping baby. Yes, the dumb drunk turned a Michael Jackson impersonator into the Terminator. Now, I watched this video 17.5 times. I stopped in the middle to check my stocks. That's how well I'm doing. But the ending is priceless. With the battered idiot appearing days drunk and confused like he taken too much (INAUDIBLE). So, being that this is "T-SHIRT TALES," let's take a look at that T-shirt, shall we? Closing in on it? It reads, can't fix stupid.

Of course, it's never been more correct. But if you look closer, it's got a Dallas Cowboy fan using a urinal incorrectly, while two Philly Eagles fans use it the right way. So, clearly, this beaten man is an Eagles fan. Which means getting your ass kicked on a subway platform by a street performer is what they call Wednesday. Jimmy, I don't think there's anything better than watching an unassuming person beat the crap out of someone who thinks they can fight and picks the fight.

FAILLA: Oh, no question. And this, you know, this story resonates with me in a lot of levels because as you know, I pay good money to get choked in Vegas. You know who hasn't?

TIMPF: I haven't.

FAILLA: Sorry --

MCDOWELL: Choke err --

FAILLA: You happen to live, more of a Reno gal, all right. Don'y yaka-my- yama over here, as the kids like to say.

GUTFELD: That's disgusting.

FAILLA: But no, this might be --

GUTFELD: Give me your phone number.

FAILLA: This Michael Jackson impersonator. A lot of people don't know this about street performers but they are in a sense very street and that this is a very rough and tumble profession.

GUTFELD: Right.

FAILLA: You're getting in fights; you're getting robbed all the time. When I was driving a cab like for real, I have seen drag queens pull off their wigs and find get in fistfights. It's very street. It's very raw. Oddly arousing. I'm going to be honest. There's something weird going on there.

GUTFELD: You love them.

FAILLA: But they say, like this is the most realistic Michael Jackson impersonator in Vegas.

GUTFELD: And by the way, I just read we reached out to Santana, but he has not responded probably entertaining other offers from Seth, the guy from that other show. But I don't know their names. They all flow together, Jim.

NORTON: I can't even make fun of them. I mean, I was in Times Square once, and I was (BLEE) by a man in a Barney outfit. Who am I? Who am I to attack?

FAILLA: Hey, what did that, what did that run you?

NORTON: 350. Yes, I mean, the guys doing Michael Jackson pressuring the guy tries to beat him up. He loses. I don't know who I love more in the story. I understand all emotions in the story.

GUTFELD: It's so good. Honestly, I had to watch it because I was so impressed by the skills of the performer, Dagen, he might, he might rebuild Michael Jackson's reputation with this video.

MCDOWELL: Yes. You talk about Emanuel Lewis earlier, the original Michael Jackson the room and couldn't have been up Emanuel Lewis, even in, even at his peak. This is America to me.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Not America. But America. Yes. Fremont Street. Vegas. I just want to say like the Liberace kickboxer.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Like, beat up, beat up a woman.

GUTFELD: Dagen, I was set up for a place that I didn't know where I was going. I thought it was thinking oh, combine MMA with the Tribute Artists. That would be something out, but we're left with one question, Kat, and you're the only person I think who can answer it. Can stupid be fixed?

TIMPF: No.

GUTFELD: No, it can't.

TIMPF: No, it can't. And it should never go to Vegas. But I don't think anyone should, I hate Vegas.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I hate it's like if a bathroom selfie were a city, right? You can dress up as much as you want. It is like, make it as sexual as you want. But at the end of the day, you're still hanging out at a toilet. That's Vegas.

GUTFELD: You know, I think that Vegas gets a bad rap and also a good rap.

TIMPF: Oh, this guy all the serotonin was zapped because he's in Vegas. He probably going to go punch somebody.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. He's probably lost a lot of money. But I don't care. He's from Philly, right?

NORTON: Yes, but it's rare than an Eagles fan will act like an ass after drinking. That's a real anomaly.

GUTFELD: Yes, one of the more shocking parts of this story.

Yes, I wonder what -- how he got back to Philly. I don't know.

FAILLA: Oh, the Philly fans are the most hardcore people, though. They are the only people in the league that still throw beer at $17 a pop? Yes, that's, that's passion and anywhere else in the league. You get in a fight. You're getting hit with an iPad Mini because it's cheaper. Philly hits you with a beer. The punch of police horse. God loves them. America.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right. Up next, people love to croon to an old timey tune.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Who's filling the pop charts with songs from old farts? Yes, if you're looking for brand new hits, the current iTunes charts are the pits. That's because nearly a third of the iTunes top 100 were songs from decades ago, decades or 10 years, Kat. As a lot of new music seems to have trouble gaining traction, they just don't make them like they used to -- talking about songs not shoelaces used to strangle transients, Jim. I don't know why. Several songs from Creedence Clearwater Revival made the list.

For example, have you ever seen the rain with that number 16? Apparently, it's a strip club classic for blind lap dancers. says a jerk. But that's eight spots higher than Adele's "Oh my God," which was written about me, and it's also much higher than The Weeknd's new single "Sacrifice," which isn't even the top 100 anymore. Learned that spell jerk. He can't spell his own name that's kind of pathetic. Anyway, Jack Antonoff in The Bleachers, whatever that is just appeared on SNL, didn't make the list which is embarrassing considering the fact that music from the most underrated band in the world Nickelback did.

I'm so tired of the nickel-bashing, you're just jealous that they wrote "Let It Be" and you didn't. So, what's the secret behind these resurgent oldies besides the faint whiff of cocaine and Vapor Rub? Well, we know what fans of the GUTFELD! show are most familiar with. Here's some of the old CCR classic.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I want to know have you ever seen the rain. Come on! And I know, baby, have you ever seen that rain. It's raining, yes! Hey!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It is raining. That's a classic, Jim.

FAILLA: Yes.

GUTFELD: It's a classic. Every time I hear that, I think of Vietnam.

NORTON: Yes.

GUTFELD: We got to get out of Vietnam, Jim.

NORTON: Yes.

GUTFELD: We got to get out.

NORTON: I disagree. We got to get back into it.

GUTFELD: No, no, no, this is where we part ways. I am anti-Vietnam.

NORTON: No, I'm all into going back. We were right to be there. And, and I'm finally happy about Afghanistan too, because I voted Taliban. Yes, no, I love to see it. I love, I love this -- it's probably because people who are like that music are too stupid to realize you can just go to Spotify and hear everything, while they're buying things on iTunes.

GUTFELD: Yep, I still buy stuff but I'm usually drunk. I buy like, but I buy like -- why am I talking about that? Are you sad that classic music is basically saying you're old? Like, it's -- like Nirvana is classic rock.

NORTON: It really is. And yes, it -- but I still in the kissed 1973, so, yes, I am sad about it. But I'm happy I'm not dead.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. That's a good t-shirt.

NORTON: Unfortunately, nobody else's.

GUTFELD: Kat, what do you -- when you hear the phrase classic rock, what do you think of? John Mayer?

TIMPF: It's like uncles? It was like your uncle listens to no matter who he is. No matter the uncle. They're always like, they want to like they got a cassette player and they're going to, you know, they're going to listen to that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I don't know. I don't know. I don't, I don't know what --

GUTFELD: You don't know. You don't know?

TIMPF: Anything else?

GUTFELD: You're supposed to prepare for the show.

TIMPF: I did prepare for the show. I listen to a lot of new music but never on purpose. Mm hmm.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: My husband likes all the top 40 stuff. Whenever he gets controlling music sounds like a Forever 21 in my apartment. You, it's horrible. You've heard it, you're like stop, and he doesn't care because you're already married, I mean, it's too late.

GUTFELD: That's where all this stuff comes out. Jimmy, you are like a classic rock kind of guy, aren't you?

FAILLA: This is the thing. Jim made a really good point. And no one talks about this with iTunes. They're usership is a lot older.

GUTFELD: Oh, really?

FAILLA: That's why Classic Rock is trending. Now, they're just older, you know, because the Apple software is an easier interface to interact with --

TIMPF: Your uncle loves it.

FAILLA: So, the -- a lot of people on there just finished figuring out why their VCR is flashing 12:00, and they're not really familiar with it and they are thrown by the names. Most people over 70 think The Weeknd is when Joe Biden goes to Delaware. They have no idea it's a band. And I think Spotify is where you find hipper stuff because everybody's like my son's age, like, you know, 15 that's what it is.

NORTON: But it's a good test when you're on a date. I'll say to a woman, do you know who CCR is? And if she says yes, I don't go out with her.

GUTFELD: Yes. That is a good test.

TIMPF: Because she's old and that's gross.

FAILLA: Is that what it is? You're like, you're over 18, out of the van --

GUTFELD: He uses Uber, come on. You know, Dagen, what do you consider oldies?

MCDOWELL: Um, anybody I slept with in college. So, even Apple Music, so on iTunes, you have to pay for these songs, I did some investigative work, the reason that these songs are on the top of the charts on iTunes is because people are suckers and they're having a 69-cent per song sale on all of the songs on Nickelback, on Zombie, The Cranberries -- what's that stupid song called Tub Thumping?

GUTFELD: Oh, yes. Chumbawamba.

MCDOWELL: By Chumbawamba.

GUTFELD: Chumbawamba. That's classic?

MCDOWELL: Again, all the, all the jackasses I screwed in college or at home --

GUTFELD: You get a vodka drink. You get a whiskey drink.

NORTON: I get knocked down.

GUTFELD: You get what -- that's all I know. I'm just going to keep saying that.

MCDOWELL: So, all those guys are home going, to 69 was buying another 69 songs.

GUTFELD: That's why you're on FBN because you read the stats and we didn't.

TIMPF: Yes, 6 plus 69 is funny.

GUTFELD: You know what, you got to declare the 69 ha-ha thing, either dead, like it's got -- we got to find another creepy number. Is there another creepy, Jimmy? You would know, give us a real a number that's creepier than 69.

NORTON: 138. When you do it twice.

GUTFELD: OK, I see that. Interesting. Interesting. Well, I'm going to let this segment slowly breathe out. Like an armed robber who was shot on the street.

FAILLA: There's got to be a good song for that somewhere. Have you ever seen the rain tie up?

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. We got to get out of Vietnam. We've got to get out of Vietnam. You know, get our troops back. All right, get our troops back. All right. That's just political as I'm getting right now.

NORTON: It's a little heavy, though. It's a little heavy.

GUTFELD: I know. I know. I get the emotions, get the best of me. And I apologize, but that's where I'm at. OK, bring our boys home.

FAILLA: Someone mentioned Chumbawamba and it was all downhill from there.

GUTFELD: I know, that just, that just --

FAILLA: I get up again, it was Ray Rice's wedding.

MCDOWELL: How about zombie, zombie --

TIMPF: Terrible.

GUTFELD: We got to go. I lost my producer. We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We're out of time. Thank, God, right? Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Jim Norton, Dagen McDowell, Jimmy Failla, Kat Timpf. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.

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