Greg Gutfeld weighs in on Joe Biden's touchy-feely scandal

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Gutfeld on Joe Biden's touchy-feely scandal

Joe Biden's accusers must be heard and believed, no matter how long ago it happened, because Biden's own party demands it!

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," April 2, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Hi, I'm Greg Gutfeld with Katie Pavlich, Juan Williams, Jesse Watters, and she scuba dives in a test tube, Dana Perino. “The Five.”

As the knives come out for Joe, one must ask who is worse, the media and Democrats rushing to defend the guy or the media and Democrats rushing to condemn him. You can hold these two thoughts that Biden has acted strange at times. And yet, this is a calculated hit to get him out of the race by his own side.

After all, it's not just about touching women but being an old white man, which basically for the left makes you worse than a war criminal. But also, how can Biden's people not see this coming? The proof are like Biden's hands all over the place, as Nancy Pelosi puts it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. NANCY PELOSI, D-CALIF., HOUSE SPEAKER: He's an infection person, to children, to senior citizens, to everyone. That's just the way he is.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It's true. He touches more people than most chiropractors. Pelosi's advice?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PELOSI: Just pretend you have a cold and I have a cold.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: How is that for Me Too advice? The 2019 version of don't be alone with that guy. And now there're those complaining that Joe is being wrongly accused.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Is this really where we want to go with Me Too? He's a nice guy. He's not a predator. And this is ridiculous. Let me just say it. This is ridiculous. You're aiding those who can beat Trump?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I don't know that we will see any more smelling of hair and kisses --

(CROSSTALK)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: That pisses me off. I'm telling you.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Which part?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Well, I don't want Joe to stop doing that.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I don't either.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You know.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: The hair does smell good. So sorry, Joe fans, remember that this path forward is the one so many of you help blaze. Even if Biden is guilty of just clumsy affection, the accusers must be heard and believed no matter how long ago it happened, because Biden's own party demands it. Due process, if you remember, was sexist. They made that clear just months ago and hearing over some guy named Brett.

So it's no coincidence the complaints are coming forward now. When Biden wasn't in the way and no one cared, friendly, goofy Joe. Now the old sports just hanging around so he's got to go, because when you're no longer wanted by those who want power for themselves, they'll be more than happy to put their arms around your shoulders, smiled, and then walk you into traffic.

All right, Juan, I have a theory. This is my defense of Joe Biden. And I don't think anybody said this but my theory is the guy has been through hell, lost his wife, lost a daughter in -- very young, car accident, lost his son, could the affection that he shows be a vow to show appreciation to the living because you never know when they'll be there -- if they'll be there tomorrow? That is my theory.

JUAN WILLIAMS, HOST: Can I leap across the table and hug you?

(LAUGHTER)

DANA PERINO, HOST: Smell his hair?

WILLIAMS: Yes, smell his hair.

GUTFELD: My hair does not smell good. Not after this weekend.

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: OK. OK. All right, we'll clean you up after the show. But -- I don't know. I don't know his psychology. But I can tell you -- I mean, what you're hearing from Pelosi and others is true. He is a very much a touchy-feely, empathetic guy with guys and with women.

I mean, Senator Coons of Delaware who, you know, his successor in the senate said, you know, there were questions about how Joe had whispered into his 13-year-old daughter's ear. He said, you know, the little girl said that Joe was telling her she's handling the moment well. He was trying to pump her up.

But again, if you're a critic, and yesterday on the show, there are people who are saying we know this is an opposition dump on Joe's head from Democrats who are trying to get him out, you know, kind of preempt him before he gets in the race.

But my take, especially after listening to your monologue is, I think Republicans are still upset about Kavanaugh, are still upset about questions about President Trump who said he was going to grab women in their private, and think, well, according to the Wall Street Journal, oh, you've got to make excuses and apologies from being a pale male these days.

Again, so they say identity politics. I think this is so interesting to watch because this is going to go on all through the Democratic primaries. If President Trump is going to be tweeting, we're going to be talking, and you've got all these Democrats up there throwing punches, haymakers at each other, and this may be one of them, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yeah. You know -- but, Jesse, I don't think Republicans care that much about this.

JESSE WATTERS, HOST: No, we're just delighting in it.

WILLIAMS: That's what I think. There you go.

WATTERS: These conservatives have been talking about these videos and re- tweeting them for about ten years. But we hear it's from Bernie, this oppo dump. And to that I'll say good job, Bernie. He learned how to play dirty from Hillary because he's not going, you know, go down without a fight this time.

But just some perspective here, he's a creepy guy that likes to nuzzle but he's not Bill Cosby. He crossed the line, he should apologize, that's fine. Let's move on. But the media had a huge hand in this. Let's just remember, the media created political correctness to use as a weapon against conservatives to silence them and to bully them.

And now the Democrats are using political correctness against each other in the primary and the media is sitting around exasperated saying, hey, you're trying to take down the one guy that can win white working class voters away from Donald Trump. And the fact that conservatives have been joking about Biden for about ten years, the media never covered it because the media by trying to protect Joe Biden actually ends up hurting Joe Biden.

Because if the media covered this for the last ten years, Biden could have addressed it, it could have been digested, and we could have moved on. But they always try to cover Republican weaknesses and then cover up for Democrats. So the Democrat ends up getting out there and he's not in fighting shape, and he's rusty, and then he gets body slammed right before he announces.

But the whole thing -- my favorite part about this whole thing is Don Lemon's defense --

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: -- of this. So Don Lemon said this, and I just want everybody to remember this the next time I get in trouble, don't apologize. Nobody's perfect.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: So I'm going to keep that one in my back pocket next time CNN is demanding a Republican resign or apologize. We'll throw out the Don Lemon defense.

GUTFELD: That was -- it was an unintentionally hilarious monologue from Don Lemon. Or maybe it was intentionally, I don't know. Dana, you see all these people defending Joe, should I do the -- should I say what if it were a Republican? You saw --

PERINO: No.

GUTFELD: Eco, Whoopi, Annie Navarro, all like -- I mean --

PERINO: Well, they're probably isn't -- yeah, you know, I get it. I don't like what about-ism. I don't like it. Sorry, Jesse.

WATTERS: It leaves me without a lot to say.

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: You did plenty and you did very well.

WATTERS: Thank you. Wait till the B-block.

PERINO: But here's the thing.

GUTFELD: What?

PERINO: It obviously is a calculated attack from his side. They knew that he was waiting until April to announce. But the thing about Biden is -- OK, if you're going to run against these characters -- I'm not even talking about Donald Trump. If you're going to run in this primary, you've got to be ready. He has no campaign apparatus to deal with this. This story has been going on for a week.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

PERINO: And they don't have a way to really deal with it. He seems caught behind enemy lines.

WATTERS: His surrogates were the media. He never actually had anybody out there on his own side.

KATIE PAVLICH, HOST: The way that he's dealt with it is by having his spokesperson blame Republicans for the allegation that came out, even though it came from a Democratic woman who he inappropriately touched. It's clearly an attack because she's saying, well, I'll still obviously vote for Joe Biden over Donald Trump if he wins the primary.

And by the way, it wasn't a sexual assault or anything, it was just inappropriate touching and I'm just letting everybody know about it. But the left put themselves into this corner, into this box, and the question now is whether they're going to play by their own rules. I agree with Greg. Joe Biden has done some weird stuff.

You know the thing now is everyone is coming out and saying, well, my experience with him is not that. Alyssa Milano was one of them. So you should believe me when I say he's a good guy who respects survivors of sexual assault. But that was not the case when it came to Brett Kavanaugh, and they smeared his family. And when the truth came out about him which was 100-plus pages of a senate report showing not a single accusation against him had any evidence at all.

And people were referred for criminal prosecution for lying and issuing false accusations to senate investigators who are looking into this. The Michael Avenatti making these claims, they ignore that report completely. So --

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: What about-ism now?

GUTFELD: Yes, especially when you remember Alyssa Milano sitting behind Kavanaugh like a judge, jury and executioner. She's smirking. So I can't -- she makes me want to root against Biden.

WILLIAMS: So this is incredible to me. So this is about you, Jesse, or it's about Kavanaugh?

WATTERS: It's always about me

WILLIAMS: It's not -- or it's about how Republicans are being unfairly charged with pushing this one. It's actually Democrats pushing it. But it's not about Joe Biden, but I think it should be about Joe Biden. And you know what? Even Joe Biden and Mrs. Kavanaugh said the accuser should be heard. So he's got --

PAVLICH: But Brett Kavanaugh said that as well.

PERINO: When I got sworn in to the broadcasting board of governors, I got a really nice hug from Joe Biden and I remember it fondly. So there.

WATTERS: Cuddling to Biden.

GUTFELD: How fondly, Dana?

(LAUGHTER)

PAVLICH: Did he smell your hair?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: I don't think so.

GUTFELD: Your hair does smell good. And I can smell -- but I smell it from here because I have a great sense of smell. I don't need to hug anybody. Besides, when I hug people, the height ratio makes it really awkward. If I came up behind anybody, my nose would be in their shoulder blades.

WILLIAMS: Wasn't there a Hollywood star who refused to hug somebody?

PAVLICH: It was Seinfeld.

WILLIAMS: Was it Seinfeld?

GUTFELD: Yes, said no to that lady.

PAVLICH: The singer lady.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Is that where we're going here?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I like Pelosi's -- because that's the old-fashioned way of dealing with things. I get a cold. That's how you do it.

PERINO: And nobody wants a cold.

GUTFELD: Nobody wants a cold. All right, are Democrats trying to game the system to take down Trump? I bet the answer is yes. The latest moves from the campaign trail ahead.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WATTERS: It looks like Democrats are growing more and more desperate in their bid to try to unseat President Trump. Beto O'Rourke becoming the latest 2020 contender to come out in favor of abolishing the Electoral College.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BETO O'ROURKE, D-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Yes, let's abolish the Electoral College. If we got rid of the Electoral College, we get a little bit closer to one person, one vote in the United States of America.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: And today, top Democrats, including 2020 candidate Kirsten Gillibrand introduced a constitutional amendment to get rid of it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND, D-N.Y.: But I do believe our constitution is rooted in the notion that it's one person, one vote. And for the outcomes of our election not to reflect, actually, the number of votes received by candidates, it seems really misplaced.

So I think we need to look at the Electoral College and we need to reform it. I really believe it should be one person, one vote.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: Dana, on the list of concerns among American citizens, I think abolishing the Electoral College probably below global warming.

PERINO: I wrote economy here because --

WATTERS: Health care maybe?

PERINO: I've been following this Democratic primary so far with great interest. I try to listen to all the things that they say. Their interviews -- could any of them talk about the economy --

WATTERS: No.

PERINO: -- at all?

WATTERS: It's too good.

PERINO: How are you going to win this election by talking about the Electoral College? It is a litmus test. It's a fool's errand. Even -- let's just say it happens in a hundred years, fine, whatever. I shouldn't say whatever. The Founding Fathers I think knew what they were doing with the Electoral College. And the fact that we're a republic, that makes a lot of sense.

But the idea that they cannot talk about how they're going to bring jobs back to Middle America, like that's what they say that they're going to be able to do and they never talk about it, just the Electoral College. I think it's a huge waste of time.

WATTERS: So Kirsten Gillibrand --

PERINO: Yes.

WATTERS: -- knows more about our republic than the Founding Fathers.

GUTFELD: Of course.

WATTERS: Is what she's getting at.

GUTFELD: Of course. The Founding Fathers are dead white males --

WILLIAMS: Here we go again.

GUTFELD: -- that can't even vote. They're dead. But they're not purists. They're not purist. Go all the way, one person, one vote. Get rid of this senate completely. Everybody votes. We have a hundred -- how many registered voters we have? Hundred and thirty million? We all vote on everything.

Gillibrand has to resign. I know, I know, she's mad because I'm mispronouncing on purpose. But she should resign and stop being a senator because that's not one woman, one vote, or one man, one vote. Now when Beto talks about this, he pretends -- it's self-deception. He thinks he speaking for the public interest or the public good. Like, this is what I'm doing.

But actually what it is, is about seizing power. It's how the left works. It's a power grab disguised as a good intention. It's kind of brilliant. The natural desire for every person is to exert your authority. We all know this. We like power. Leftism pretends that it's a public good. So even he fools himself when he says it.

WATTERS: Let's take that one a step further.

GUTFELD: I would like to, Jesse.

WATTERS: One person, one vote, including illegal immigrants. They're people too, right?

PAVLICH: Well, the census question has come up. And today, Jim Jordan actually accused Democrats of not wanting the citizenship question on the census because they want noncitizens voting. There been a number of people, Stacey Abrams, who publicly said I'm OK with noncitizens voting.

But getting back to the Electoral College, I give Gillibrand credit for actually introducing a constitutional amendment to do this in a way that would be actually in the process and that system that's supposed to be in.

PERINO: True.

PAVLICH: But while these Democratic candidates on the national stage are talking about this, states are actually doing this. Colorado just passed the national popular vote compact. There's a number of other states that have done it. And if enough legislatures do it, it get signed into law, it actually triggers it.

And so, there's multiple ways that getting rid of the Electoral College is happening in the United States of America, which will lead to the majority being a tyrannical majority, which is not the intention of the Founding Fathers.

GUTFELD: By the way, it's Karen.

WATTERS: Thank you. Yes, the junior senator from New York, that's just a stunt, the constitutional amendment. She doesn't have any sort of juice in the press. She's trying to get attention. That's just a good way to do it.

WILLIAMS: I believe she's the senator from New York.

WATTERS: I said junior senator.

WILLIAMS: I mean, she's a New York senator. I don't know --

WATTERS: Well, she's running for president, Juan.

WILLIAMS: Yeah.

WATTERS: That's why --

GUTFELD: She's got a name. It's Kathy.

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: You know, it's not -- I'm so appreciative of the fact that you brought this up because --

PAVLICH: Oh, thank you, Juan.

WILLIAMS: Because the states -- their state that are trying to do this. It's not just Democrats who are sour losers --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Eleven blue states.

WILLIAMS: Their states. And I'm just saying --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: -- you have to have popular sentiment in these legislatures. And, you know, there's some outrage here because it's not just states but historians who say, you know what, the Founding Fathers --

PERINO: Historians.

WILLIAMS: Yes, some historians who say the Founding Fathers didn't intend it. James Madison wanted to do away with the Electoral College. And he -- people were stuck with it because of the slave compromise of 3/5 human and the rest. So we get a situation where Trump wins the presidency. He gets a lower percentage of the popular vote than Mitt Romney who lost the presidency.

GUTFELD: Can we explain the 3/5 thing again.

WILLIAMS: Hold on a second. Let me finish up. Because I think it's pretty crazy that in the Dakotas that have less than half the population of one city, let's take Los Angeles, they have two times the number of senators that California because they're two states.

PERINO: In order to win, they have to change the rules.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: That's the feeling. You know when you didn't hear about this? When Barack Obama won --

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: -- the popular vote and the Electoral College. Like, nobody talks about this. It only happens when a Republicans are able to win the Electoral College.

WILLIAMS: No, but it's twice in the 21st century.

GUTFELD: There you go. So it's like --

PAVLICH: Republican watch.

GUTFELD: You keep accusing Trump of undermining institutions. You want to get rid of the Electoral College, the first amendment, ah, unless it hurts feelings, hate speech, and then the second amendment --

PERINO: You know who won because of the Electoral College, and only because of the Electoral College, Abraham Lincoln.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Thank God --

GUTFELD: Our first president.

PERINO: -- for the Electoral College.

WATTERS: That's right. Remember him, Juan?

WILLIAMS: Yeah --

PAVLICH: Also a Republican.

WILLIAMS: -- I think you remember different times, too. But, again, you guys don't want to deal with the reality that we don't have one man, one vote.

WATTERS: The reality is that Hillary lost to Donald J. Trump and that's why --

GUTFELD: No, it's the Russians. The Russians were voting.

WATTERS: Liberal Hollywood elites threatening to boycott Georgia. Find out why when THE FIVE returns.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WILLIAMS: Alyssa Milano and over 100 other Hollywood celebrities threatening to boycott filming in the state of Georgia over the state's new abortion bill. The legislation would ban abortions after a heart beat is detected, which is usually six weeks into a pregnancy. It would allow abortions in cases of rape or incest. The bill sparking outrage among many in Tinseltown, including Aleck Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Lena Dunham, and Sean Penn. They've all sign Milano's letter vowing not to work in the state if the bill becomes law.

Milano saying, quote, as actors our work often brings us to Georgia, we've always found your state to be populated with friendly, caring people. We've been glad to bring billions of dollars in revenue to support Georgia's schools, parks, and communities, but we can't, in good conscience, continue to recommend our industry remain in Georgia if HB 41 becomes law. Katie, what do you say?

PAVLICH: Look, I think Sean Penn should take all of these actresses and actors from California and go to Venezuela to film all their new movies and whatever else they want to film. I don't think the people in Georgia really care about a bunch of people who live in California who are using Georgia to get away from high taxes and bad business practices, and therefore they're filming and doing movies in a different state.

I find it funny that other governors from places like New Jersey where they also have bad tax laws are trying to out-court them based on abortion. But here's the deal, New York can pass a bill that is extreme in terms of infanticide and not providing care for babies who survive abortions.

Georgia voters want this to happen. The governor talked about being proud of the legislators who passed this bill through. And the people in Hollywood should just mind their own business.

WILLIAMS: Wow, OK. So, Jesse, what we know is that you have other states, you know, Mississippi, Kentucky have already signed -- recently signed similar legislation. Florida, Ohio, Missouri, Texas, Tennessee. They're all looking at the same thing.

But, of course, the Supreme Court has ruled that a woman has the right to an abortion until a fetus is viable outside the womb. And that's usually is 24 weeks, not 6 weeks.

WATTERS: Well, Hollywood can boycott Georgia all they want and we can boycott Hollywood movies. We won't because we're normal and we love movies. We don't take every single life decision and make it a personal jihad against Democrats. I mean, I do that from 5 to 6, but not in my daily routine.

I eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I don't care that Ben and Jerry are socialists that want to take away the second amendment. I love Chunky Monkey, and I will eat it no matter what they believe in. And I watch Susan Sarandon movies. I watched Sean Penn movies. I listen to Beyonce. I don't care.

The thing is, is that everything is tainted if you look at it through a political lens. You put gas in your car from Saudi Arabia. You know, think -- look at Foie Gras. Foie Gras is delicious. Do you know what they do to those geese? It's horrible. They like torture those things.

Anything you look at can be tainted by politics, but most people don't care.

PAVLICH: Well, you know what? I don't wear Nikes and you do. So I'm more --

WATTERS: Nike, sweatshops. Colin Kaepernick. We could boycott all day.

PAVLICH: We could.

WILLIAMS: Wow. You know, sometimes you silence me, my friend. All right. So, Dana, let's just move along because I don't know what to say to that. But a Republican in Georgia, Charles Martin, was one of five Republicans who said I've got to vote no on this because it would be criminalizing medicine and care for women.

PERINO: OK. So -- that's the great thing, like you can -- you can vote your conscience. You can vote your decision. This is what I would tell states. Do not hold yourself hostage to Hollywood.

PAVLICH: Yeah.

PERINO: Actually, if you do the math on a lot of these places, it doesn't actually end up working in the state's favor. They end up giving so much to Hollywood, and then they are going to come in and have the nerve to tell you and your citizens what you can and cannot do to satisfy them?

And does Alyssa Milano speak for Hollywood? Is she like the press secretary of Hollywood? Why are we listening to her?

GUTFELD: She's the boss.

PERINO: I really don't understand.

PAVLICH: That's true.

WATTERS: She's not even that famous because Juan didn't even know to pronounce her name.

WILLIAMS: Thank you, Katie. All right, Greg.

GUTFELD: You know what's great? People who push boycotts rarely actually use the product they're boycotting. If celebrities actually boycotted a product that matter to them, they'd boycott pot, Xanax, and cheap household labor from Mexico, because that's all they use.

You think for a moment if Alyssa Milano had a project there, paying her 3 million over 2 months in savannah, she wouldn't take it? She's boycotting there because she doesn't have a job there. And how little do you have to have in your life that you can -- that you have this take up your time, maybe work on your own problems rather than casting aspersions on others. This - OK, they actually could do a boycott that reflects real sacrifice. What political decision upset them most? The election of Donald Trump. Why not boycott America? Why not - I mean if they really mean it, have a sacrifice, make that sacrifice. You know move out till you get a new president. This is too easy.

PAVLICH: Well, some people said they were going to leave.

GUTFELD: They never do.

PAVLICH: But they never leave, and they want to boycott states that are doing what they think is best for their own state. So, just move on people.

GUTFELD: No one ever sacrifices stuff that they want or like.

PAVLICH: Right. Like rest of us.

WATTERS: Pretty much anything.

PERINO: I wear Nike's, I mean not right now.

PAVLICH: Sorry.

WILLIAMS: Is that right.

PAVLICH: I also don't like Ben and Jerry's.

WILLIAMS: You don't hate Ben and Jerry's.

GUTFELD: I actually hate Ben and Jerry's because that's because I'm lactose intolerant and generally intolerant.

PAVLICH: Even though it's very good.

PERINO: I don't.

WILLIAMS: Do you eat Chick-fil-A?

PAVLICH: Yes.

GUTFELD: I'm on car, I can't eat cars. Juan?

PAVLICH: And grilled chicken.

GUTFELD: I was just teasing. It's all right. Take is easy, don't burp on us. Up next, will President Trump shut down the southern border. What he's saying now. Next on “The Five.”

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PAVLICH: The Department of Homeland Security warning our immigration system is "on fire" as hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants are overwhelming the system this year. And with no relief in sight, here's what some in the media are focused on.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The U.S. listen to this would run out of avocados in three weeks if President Trump shuts down the border with Mexico.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The move could be particularly tough for you avocado lovers out there.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: According to the latest data from the U.S. Department of Agriculture and that it would be three weeks before avocados run out in this country.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You might see an avocado shortage in a number of other things related to agriculture.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PAVLICH: All right. While, MSNBC is worried about avocado toast, CBS News is getting hammered for their story with the headline reading the human coyotes is helping migrants survive Central Americans grueling Darian Gap jungle. Critics say the piece portrays the smugglers as humanitarians with one of the coyotes saying, "I helped a lot of people particularly women with children, because many have passed through here and not made it".

Meanwhile President Trump is not backing down and away from his threat to shut down the border.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: Mexico is now stopping people coming. Very easy for them to do stopping people coming in through Mexico. Let's see if they keep it done. If they keep doing that - now, if they don't or if we don't make a deal with Congress, the border is going to be closed. 100 percent. And that has to be changed and it can be changed in 45 minutes.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PAVLICH: Greg there is a smorgasbord of issues, which one is the most important and please don't say avocado toast.

GUTFELD: I'm going to get to avocado toasts. but portraying coyotes as heroes and we see the statistics of death and sexual assault. I mean I guess are rapists helping the migrants with sex education. This is absurd. That was absolutely idiotic. But avocados onto something lighter are the eighth wonder of the world. Botanically, it's a large berry, you know that huge seed. What are those Botox brunchers in Bel Air and Brentwood are going to do with their avocado toasts deprive? First, you know Trump is threatening to take away their help and now it's their order. No wonder they hate the guy. I enjoy every minute of that.

PAVLICH: OK, Jesse.

GUTFELD: Although I do love avocados.

PAVLICH: Jesse are you concerned about the big avocado shortage?

WATTERS: Well, I had avocado toast for the first time a couple of weeks ago and I found it really delicious. But I'm more concerned for the police officer in Washington State who was just killed by an illegal alien. I don't know why the media is not focused on that. It is funny how Donald Trump has been able to get Nancy Pelosi to defend MS-13 and now CBS to defend coyotes.

PAVLICH: Yes.

WATTERS: They know CBS's coyotes work for the cartels. I think they know that. But it's also funny to hear the Democrats complain about how this is going to cost us a lot of money. They just unveiled a $100 trillion Green New Deal and half the candidates are running against capitalism and now they're worried about losing some dollars from trade with Mexico. It rings hollow.

PAVLICH: So, Dana, jokes aside, the President over the weekend and today is threatening to shut down the border if Mexico isn't going to do more to address the illegal immigrants that are from Central America traveling through their country. Bret Baer, a year ago today interviewed the Ambassador to the U.S. from Mexico and he specifically said, we believe immigration should be legal and orderly. That is not what's happening a year later on the border with Mexico, it's worse.

PERINO: Well, I think there is a lot of reasons for that. And I think that the border crisis is about to hit the U.S. economy. So, the estimate is about $1 billion a day in lost revenue. So, you'd lose about 1.5 percent GDP. That's a huge hit to the economy overall. It's a drastic step, but I think that the President realizes how drastic it is. But it's the leverage that he has right now, because Congress won't get together and do something to - like a comprehensive peace to do that.

The thing I worry about is that taking that drastic step and not having a plan in place for like what do you do after that because maybe Mexico helps for a little while, but then they backslide. Are you going to shut it down again? And what - there has to be a way to have a plan and I was thinking today about - remember the surge in Iraq, it had to be - it's like totally different way to fight the war. And I feel like we're so stuck that there has to be a different way to approach this because we're having the same arguments for years. So is there - I don't know what it is, but I feel like somebody has to break through in a way. The President is talking about possibly appointing an immigration czar perhaps that will help.

GUTFELD: Should be an engineer.

PERINO: The czar has to have--

WATTERS: Or Kris Kobach.

PERINO: A different idea.

GUTFELD: I'll take the interim (ph).

PAVLICH: Juan, what are Democrats ideas. Now officials from the Obama administration and the Trump administration are in rare agreement that this is a crisis--

WILLIAMS: A humanitarian crisis.

PAVLICH: It's getting worse. Right, it's getting worse by the day. Border Patrol agents are being taken off of patrol, which is a national security threat to deal with family units and the humanitarian crisis, which is becoming inhumane by the day. So, what are Democrats saying about how to fix this? And don't tell me comprehensive immigration.

WILLIAMS: No. I would love - by the way, I would love it. I wasn't going to say it, but that's - you're right. Maybe we do--

PAVLICH: Maybe separate country, but nothing to do--

WILLIAMS: As a country. Republicans and Democrats would be great if you guys on Capitol Hill actually passed immigration law. But in answer to your question Katie, I think Democrats have been clear since the shutdown over this issue that what you need to do is put in place, one, better facilities, more people to handle this, so that it's not a crisis on our border. And secondly, change the laws even at this table most of us have agreed that in terms of asylum laws and the rest, we should do better. We should be clear so that we - in fact, those people are obeying our laws when they put foot on the ground and ask for asylum. If we want to change it. We can change it.

But I just want to finish up on this point. President Trump is now saying, hey, I'll shut the border, but can it not affect commerce. I mean I'm not sure if his sombreros on too tight. But he's not thinking about the kind of emotional play that he makes to his base. We're going to shut down the border. We're going to build a wall and then he doesn't. As Dana was saying, he doesn't have any--

PERINO: Playing backtrack today.

WILLIAMS: Any plan, any follow-up to what's really going on.

PERINO: He backtracked today and said that I never said I was going to. He said, I never said that was my intention. But he did do it.

WILLIAMS: He did.

PERINO: But its scared people. Look--

PAVLICH: Its scared people enough.

PERINO: Its scared people enough for him to say, he actually might actually do that.

WATTERS: Right.

WILLIAMS: Yes, but that's all it is. It's a big bluff and it's not going to - let me just finish. It's not going to mean that we have fewer immigrants, illegal immigrants pushing across the border. In fact, they'd be more if you shut down.

WATTERS: Juan, it's a wakeup call because no one is focusing on the issue except when he says something like that.

PERINO: Right.

WILLIAMS: So, in other words, we should ignore him.

WATTERS: No, you said this was not a crisis for six months and now it is--

WILLIAMS: It's never an invasion.

WATTERS: He's directing attention towards the border.

PAVLICH: OK.

WILLIAMS: You know what, it's not an invasion.

WATTERS: Because you won't do anything about it.

WILLIAMS: I would love to do something.

PAVLICH: You're out of different way.

WILLIAMS: Yes, they would. In fact, it's the Republicans and your talk radio show right wing host to stop people from doing things including George W. Bush.

PAVLICH: Well, Juan I just have to say, President Trump isn't wearing a sombrero because that's cultural appropriation. They know it's allowed to wear one, even though it's also--

WILLIAMS: Remember, he was Cinco de Mayo and he said, they have the best tacos.

PAVLICH: Yes, a taco salad.

WILLIAMS: At Trump Tower.

WATTERS: They are pretty good.

PAVLICH: OK. Enough about that. Cinco de Mayo will be here shortly hopefully in a month.

GUTFELD: That's May 5th.

PAVLICH: Up next why everyone is rolling their eyes at James Comey again.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: A collective sigh was heard around the country yesterday as James Comey attempted an April Fool's prank. The Former FBI Director tweeting this photo caption, I'm in. We need someone in the middle. Hashtag 2020. But after sending everyone into a tizzy except me because I knew right away, he quickly corrected himself saying it was an April Fool's joke, but Comey wasn't the only one trying to trick people.

Tom Brady caused panic in New England tweeting that he was going to retire and perhaps the most heartbreaking prank came from the U.S. Open, millions of dog owners were hoping adding puppies to the ball person team was actually true. Can I say something about the Tom Brady one? That was my prediction at New Years that he was going to retire in 2019. And that was the one I tried to believe. Did you fall for any, Katie?

PAVLICH: I almost fell for the puppy one, but then when I was reading it, it said, all breeds welcome and all breeds can fetch, including my goal, my English Labrador, even though he's a retriever. So, don't know about that. But that would have been a good idea. If they could do a fundraiser that way.

GUTFELD: Can I just say how much I hate April 1st and how stupid pranks are.

PERINO: Is there anything you like.

GUTFELD: I'm going to tell you something. We don't need it anymore. Every single day, thanks to social media and fake news in which the firehose of social media sprays it out, it is every day. Every day is April Fools. We are tricked by a story every day. I'm not going to blame the producers. Producers will say, hey, what about this story, we'll go, we're all kind of looking at it and it turns out it is not there, and this happens every day. These stories make the James Comey tweet to Tom Brady look boring.

You know what a real prank would be on April 1st, telling somebody the truth and then watching them.

WATTERS: There was collusion.

GUTFELD: Yes. Collusion every day.

WATTERS: Collusion every day for two years at CNN.

WILLIAMS: But on a serious note, right. You have gone through a transition about social media, because you used to be a social media and now, you're saying which and I think you're right on in the transition, so I could be just patting myself. But I think social media is pernicious.

PERINO: Guys, this was supposed to be fun to talk about pranks.

WATTERS: Juan, you should stay off.

GUTFELD: Pranks aren't fun though.

WATTERS: What's on there about you.

WILLIAMS: Yes, that's what I'm saying.

WATTERS: I fell for the Justin Bieber April Fools.

PERINO: Which was that one?

WATTERS: I thought he was pregnant, or his girlfriend was pregnant, and he had like a sonogram in there and I was congratulating him on the comment section. I got fooled.

PAVLICH: Do you comment on Justin Bieber's Instagram?

WATTERS: Yes, occasionally. I also want to say--

GUTFELD: How does her father feel going like I thought I was going to be a granddad.

WATTERS: Take a joke, Gutfeld.

GUTFELD: No, not any but first.

WATTERS: The biggest comedian on set doesn't like April Fool.

GUTFELD: April 1st is for amateurs.

WATTERS: Like James Comey.

PAVLICH: Not all the same.

PERINO: McDonald's had one and that they said that they were going to create a McPickle Burger in Australia.

PAVLICH: Gross.

PERINO: And do you know people actually got upset because they didn't think that was a good idea.

WILLIAMS: No, I thought they wanted to try it.

PERINO: Well, some people did, but not everybody.

PAVLICH: Is there any beef in there or is it just like a vegetarian thing?

WATTERS: Can we get back to James Comey for a second. Why is every James Comey photograph that he tweets, he's alone?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: He has no friends. It's him staring off a cliff. It's him staring in the woods.

PERINO: Well, someone has to take the picture.

WATTERS: So, he's with one person. He doesn't--

PERINO: Maybe he's with his wife.

WATTERS: So, lonely.

GUTFELD: His poor wife--

WATTERS: Stop defending James Comey.

GUTFELD: Is like, you know you always want to be alone in these pictures. Am I just here to take your picture?

PERINO: Did you see how they lost the shot for a second. They're like we're done with this segment. I actually prank people with a picture, and I can't believe--

PAVLICH: I love dares.

PERINO: How many people believed it.

GUTFELD: This is why we're doing this segment.

PERINO: No, this was Jasper catching a fish finally on the Jersey Shore. But actually, that didn't happen. But his dog sitter, Barbara thought that it was real.

WILLIAMS: So, I think the worst April Fool's joke ever done twice by my brother. Once he drove to an insane asylum, told me I hate to get out. Another time--

WATTERS: He was on to something.

WILLIAMS: Another time, he gave me a chocolate bar and said, X Lex.

PERINO: Did you eat it?

WATTERS: Did you eat it?

WILLIAMS: I don't recall.

PERINO: You wouldn't remember that. All right, everybody. Guess what. You know the drill. One More Thing is up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: One More Thing, Jesse.

WATTERS: Big congratulations to Fox News's very own Ed Henry, who was just awarded something from the White House Correspondents Association for this hard-hitting interview with former EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt. Check it out.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So, one of your friends in Oklahoma got a pay raise. That's the medium.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: They did not get a raise. They didn't get pay raise.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: They did.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: They did not, I stopped that yesterday.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So, you've stopped it.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Are you embarrassed that--

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: It should not have happened. Should not have happened. And the officials that were involved in that process should not have done what they did.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: Wow, he got the Merriman Smith Award for broadcast for that interview. I thought he was too tough on Scott. But neither here nor there.

PERINO: Jesse.

WATTERS: They should have given the award to Sean Hannity. I don't know why they didn't.

GUTFELD: I agree.

WATTERS: I am on that show tonight at 9 PM, another award-winning show right there. But congrats Ed Henry.

GUTFELD: Yes. I have three of those. After I won the second one, I just stopped caring. But congrats Ed.

PAVLICH: Good job, Ed.

WATTERS: They give to anybody.

GUTFELD: Yes, they do. I'm going to be in D.C. on Saturday for the Gutfeld monologues live. There are still a few tickets available. And then I'll be in Detroit on Sunday April 7th. All you've got to do is go to ggutfeld.com and look at the tickets. There is some seats available. You can see me live with Tom Shillue.

But now it's time for this. Animals Are Great. I love the sound of you frustrated over my animals are great video. This is great because this cat knows how to blend. Check out this cat on a carpet. This is - he knows what to do if the police come in, just kind of lie on the lawn and just no one can see you there. Isn't that great. Cats lives in Philadelphia, Jesse, so if you're ever down there, visit Casey. That's the disappearing cat as they like to call her. And that is why, animals are great. And Ed Henry is not great.

PERINO: What's going on with Ed Henry and you?

GUTFELD: Well, he bugs me. He calls me up, has me do stuff for him and then it's like takes up my time and then it never happens. You heard me, Ed.

PAVLICH: But he's working on his journalism.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: That's right. That's true. OK, well I have a good one and it is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. Yes, we have a day. I actually have a peanut butter and jelly almost every day.

GUTFELD: Do you really?

PERINO: Well, the Starbucks Lunchables, you know the one that have a half sandwich and three cucumber slices and five whatever. But Honda (ph) and Johnny (ph) made these. This started in the 1900s. I don't want Jesse's phone to get ruined. Peanut butter was actually considered a delicacy.

GUTFELD: Really?

PERINO: Way back when. Yes.

GUTFELD: It was the original avocado.

PERINO: 1901 cooking magazine, peanut paste is what they called it. Yes.

GUTFELD: Peanut paste.

PERINO: That's pretty good. Is it good? Are you glad you already went for your One More Thing?

GUTFELD: There is the joke in there somewhere and I'm not going to touch it for once. Juan.

WILLIAMS: All right. So, all right, Five fans take a look at this dramatic video, you're going to see nature's powers and a group of tourists in Iceland running, that's a glacier tumbling down sending the tourists sprinting for their lives. The collapsing glacier triggered a huge wave, you're going to see that coming now.

PAVLICH: They're so little down there.

WILLIAMS: That came crashing toward the visitors. Now thankfully, this is a little bit of a spoiler, but no one was hurt thankfully. They've been warned by tour guides that if they saw the glacier begin to tumble, they had to seek higher ground immediately.

PAVLICH: Oh! My gosh. Yes, I'm not for that.

WILLIAMS: One of the tour guides told whether later it was an extraordinarily large sharing of the glacier which is why they had not anticipated and took folks out there. But wow that's a memory, that was a scary one if you're out there looking around.

GUTFELD: That's crazy. Usually glaciers don't move. So, this is unusual.

PAVLICH: Very slowly.

GUTFELD: This is a glacier that move rather quickly.

PERINO: Is this how we are going to talk about climate change.

GUTFELD: Yes, I think this is - I'm blaming this on Al Gore. All right, Katie.

PAVLICH: OK. So, I think I found some footage of Greg last weekend. There's a skunk that got his head stuck in a beer can over the weekend in Massachusetts. But the good news is this reminds people not to litter. First of all. And second of all, the skunk was taken to veterinarians in Massachusetts. Animal control officers in Billerica posted a picture of the unfortunate little smelly critter and they said it is amazing that his head could fit into such a small opening and noted that it gave a new term, new meaning to the term skunks beer ha-ha. Police say, the skunk was taken to Tufts Wildlife Clinic in North Grafton after being found Wednesday and the plan was to sedate the skunk. Yes, you have to do that for that.

GUTFELD: He went to skunk when he got out? You call that beer.

PAVLICH: Yes.

WILLIAMS: Actually, that's one of my favorite brands. I like Bud Light.

PAVLICH: Don't leave your beer cans around.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PAVLICH: Animals will get hurt please.

GUTFELD: Animals are great.

PAVLICH: They're so great.

GUTFELD: So is beer. Set your DVRs. Never miss an episode. "Special Report" up next.

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