This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," January 12, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why not sign the other bills though, so some of these workers can get paid, the government --

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: You think I should do that?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You --

TRUMP: No, no. Do you think I should do that, John?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I mean, it's not for me to say --

TRUMP: And then I watch your one-side reporting, do you think I should do that? Hey, John. No, seriously, John, do you think I should just sign?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, the argument --

TRUMP: No, tell me. Tell me.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: If you could sign the bill, it has nothing to do with border security.

TRUMP: John, do you think I should just sign.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I am saying that if you sign that, these workers can start getting paid. The government --

TRUMP: So you would do that if you were in my position, you would do that?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I am not in your position, I am asking you if that's something you --

TRUMP: I am asking you, would you do that if you were in my position? Because if you would do that, you should never be in this position because you'd never get anything done.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: I will never get tired of that. Yes, all right, after President Trump's address on the border, the Democratic Party sent out these two carnival cutouts as a rebuttal. All that's missing were the beanbags to toss through their pie holes.

Talk about stiff, are we sure this wasn't a subtle promotion for the new season of "The Walking Dead"? Brought to you by the makers of formaldehyde. It's odorless, tasteless but keeps you in government for decades.

Look at him. Now, I'm not talking about how they look. That's too easy. It's just how they are, like a couple of greeters at Cigar World, old people get that. You want a wall. That's a wall. There's - they are so rigid they make Mike Pence look like this guy.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: To be that lawn, but it makes you wonder, what were they thinking?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. NANCY PELOSI, D-CALIF., SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: On the very first day of this Congress, House Democrats passed Senate Republican legislation --

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Where am I? Where do I look? Straight ahead?

PELOSI: ... border security solutions.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Should I have worn my glasses? But they tickle my nose.

PELOSI: ... which would reopen government.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why does she get to speak first? She always does? I hate her.

PELOSI: ... to waste billions of dollars ...

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And I have better hair. I pay a lot for it.

PELOSI: ... and while he always promised --

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Plus I'm a senator, so I get to stand on a little wooden box, do you know how many squirrels it took to make this weave?

PELOSI: ... held hostage critical services.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I love squirrels. They have big fluffy tails. One covers my bald spot.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: True. Now if you're looking for proof of how truly screwed up government is, look no further. Trump's address wasn't earth-shattering. He colored within the lines. He stuck to the facts even repeating the same points that Democrats and the media had stated before. Still it didn't matter. The media was giddy with fact-checking.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BROOKE BALDWIN, ANCHOR, CNN: Fact checkers, eat your Wheaties today.

JULIA AINSLEY, NATIONAL SECURITY AND JUSTICE REPORTER, NBC NEWS: Yes, we'll be fact-checking relentlessly.

HEATHER MCGHEE, NBC: They have to have real-time fact checking.

JIM ACOSTA, CORRESPONDENT, CNN: Setting the scene for an address that will test the fact checkers later on tonight.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh they're so excited. They're like grade school kids around free ice cream or Kevin Spacey at a high-school wrestling match, but when the time came, there wasn't much to fact-check. The crime stats were legit. The number of kids abandoned factual. The anecdotes Trump listed sadly were all too real, which is why they had to redefine fact-checking as disgruntled commentary.

Seriously, I wonder what they were thinking.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. CHUCK SCHUMER, D-N.Y., SENATE MINORITY LEADER: We address you tonight for one reason only.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I could really go for a hoagie with ham, cheese, onions, lettuce, pickles, some mustard.

SCHUMER: ... and unable to convince ...

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Pastrami, salami, tomatoes, no, no tomatoes. More cheese. The cheese with holes.

SCHUMER: ... work that way. We don't govern by temper tantrum.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Why does cheese have holes? That seems looks like a rip-off. Talk about cheese with holes. Oh, god, what is that smell? Oh Chuck, not again. That is just deadly. See a doctor, please? I think something is dead inside you.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: And of course, the media made fools of themselves pretending there is no crisis when just weeks before, they were calling it a crisis themselves. Remember the caravan? Wasn't that a crisis? Not anymore.

AINSLEY: The big scam of the whole address was that there's a crisis. There's not a crisis.

RACHEL MADDOW, ANCHOR, MSNBC: The President's speech was a litany of scare stories about immigrants being terrible criminals.

DON LEMON, ANCHOR, CNN: This is a crisis that he wants you to believe is worth shutting down, a manufactured crisis.

ACOSTA: So that address probably should have come with a Surgeon General's warning it was hazardous to the truth.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know that Acosta practiced that line in front of a CNN bathroom mirror and Don Lemon was like, "Killer line, Jim. Don't forget to flush." But damn, if Jimmy doesn't make Trump's points for him.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ACOSTA: Here are some of the steel slats that the President has been talking about, right here, and as we're walking along here, we're not seeing any kind of imminent danger. There are no migrants trying to rush toward this fence here in the McAllen, Texas area. No sign of the national emergency that the President has been talking about. As a matter of fact, it's pretty tranquil down here.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Okay, so here I am in front of a wall and there are no illegals crossing it. Some people might call that cause and effect, but not Jim, they have nothing to do with each other. You know he should do more of this. You know, "Here I am holding an umbrella in the rain and my god I am dry. Clearly, there's no rain. Now, when I put on these sunglasses, suddenly the sun's glare is gone. Obviously, the sun has gone missing," but I wonder if Trump appreciated the sales pitch.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Good job yesterday. I appreciate your sales pitch. I appreciate your sales pitch.

ACOSTA: I didn't see an invasion at the border.

TRUMP: Oh, you didn't, I now. That's because we had a wall.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh my god. I don't care. I don't care what you think of Trump. You could put him on Rushmore for that alone. As for poor Jim, that wasn't even the worst part of his week.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ACOSTA: Can you promise that the President will tell the truth tonight? Will he tell the truth?

KELLYANNE CONWAY, COUNSEL TO PRESIDENT TRUMP: Yes, Jim, and do you promise that you will? The whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God --

ACOSTA: I'm not the one who has the alternative facts problem like you do.

CONWAY: Well, you know, Jim, I know that's a -- make sure that goes viral. This is why, by the way, this is why I am one of the only people around here who even gives you the time of day.

ACOSTA: Okay, can you guarantee that the President's speech will pass a fact check? Could you guarantee that he President's speech will pass a fact check?

CONWAY: Let me get back in your face because you're such a smart ass (inaudible), but let me just be respectful to the media at large because I always am. I explained that that was alternative information and additional facts, and I explain it many times and don't you put it back in my face for all the corrections that your networking has issued.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I have a public service announcement.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And now a public service announcement.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: If you happen to come across two fleshy prune sized orbs rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue, please put them on ice and promptly returned them to Jim Acosta.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This has been a public service announcement.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So the crisis is now a circus. How did this happen? Well, we know that the media makes everything worse, including even politics which is already the worst thing ever. Politics is the invisible gas that seeps into any discussion, removing nuance and compromise and replacing both with what I call the prison of two ideas and each side must pick their cell and never leave.

So even if Chuck agreed with Trump on immigration just a few years ago, it doesn't really matter. He's got to stay in his cell and the media makes it worse by turning these prisons into business models. There's no way MSNBC or the "New York Times" can make any money if Chuck and Nancy agree with Trump. Compromise doesn't sell advertising.

Meanwhile, this is all made possible by two years of peace and prosperity. Seriously, the only way we can endure this kind of idiotic malfeasance is if all the big stuff is taken care of -- jobs, terror, economy -- because Trump has gone down his list and ticked off all the big things, the Dems can afford to indulge this lunacy, holding workers hostage and pretending walls are some immoral phenomenon that Trump somehow just invented.

It's quite a spectacle. It makes you hate our government. It makes you want to turn off the news and God forbid, go talk to your family. Most of all, it makes you see things as they really are or rather who they really are and what they're really thinking.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PELOSI: He promised to keep government shutdown for months or years.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Where am? I am I still here? I should be home by now.
"The Greg Gutfeld Show" is on. He always has a good take on things.

PELOSI: ... our borders, while honoring our values.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Sure he can be rude, but I usually find him to be spot-on in his analysis.

PELOSI: ... the kind of strong new technology ...

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's a shame they canceled Sarah Silverman's show, maybe she can get a job writing for Greg Gutfeld.

PELOSI: ... to facilitate trade.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What's that smell? Is that me? I've got to get out of here. Look out below.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. All right, his jokes are so good it almost makes you forget that he got dressed in the dark. Comedian Jimmy Failla. His jokes are so dry, each punchline comes with a bottle of water, comedian, David Angelo. She's had more bad dates than a stale fruitcake, "National Review" reporter, Kat Timpf. He's no muss, no fuss and likes to cuss, former WWE Superstar and my massive sidekick, Tyrus, host of "UnPC."

All right, Jimmy, how long do you think this is going to go on? What did
you make of the whole week?

JIMMY FAILLA, AMERICAN COMEDIAN: Wow, I have a lot invested in this because I consider myself a Dreamer because I'm a Knicks fan and I will have you know that I did get a compliment on this jacket today.

GUTFELD: Really? From who?

FAILLA: I appreciated it so much I stood there and pet his seeing-eye dog for like 10 minutes and I said thank you. This shutdown and though it is, it is so stupid because it's personal, and I say it's stupid as someone who locks his keys in the car twice a year. I am aware of my contribution to the discussion, but in any other era, any other era, they would have ended this in three days. He would gladly give them a piece of DACA funding or DACA approval and they would give him wall funding and we'd all move on. But they can't give him a win.

GUTFELD: No, they can't.

FAILLA: This is personal.

GUTFELD: No, it is. It is. It totally is.

FAILLA: It is petty and stupid.

GUTFELD: Yes, what do you make of this, David? Thoughts?

DAVID ANGELO, AMERICAN COMEDIAN: Well, they talk about this shutdown and what a tragedy it is. I had this week three letters from the IRS.

GUTFELD: It's amazing how that part doesn't shutdown?

ANGELO: Yes, and then they're on TV like oh, think of the poor government workers. It's like - I don't care. Is that wrong? I don't know.

GUTFELD: Well, I don't know. I mean, it might be wrong. It might be insensitive, right, but then again, to call you insensitive that means nothing to you because you're insensitive.

ANGELO: Yes, I'm kind of like a bad boy.

GUTFELD: Yes, you really are. I think you live by your own rules.

ANGELO: I do, yes.

GUTFELD: You do.

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, HOST: Good luck going through TSA, Bris.

ANGELO: Well, that's the other thing. Everyone is like, "Oh TSA, we miss TSA now." Listen, I am -- I hate them.

GUTFELD: You are definitely not a flyer.

ANGELO: I am.

FAILLA: I hate a letter from the IRS, but I've got an even shocking - more shocking letter this week.

GUTFELD: What?

FAILLA: And I don't mean to brag, but I went to Community College and I got a fundraising letter from Nassau Community College. I'm like, "Dude, I went to Community College. I should be asking you for money." I'm like, you don't even know - you mailed this to a car, you don't even know if I have a house. Just sad.

GUTFELD: That is true. All right, Kat, I know you're in the middle of a coughing spell.

KATHERINE TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: Doing my best to keep it under control, Greg.

GUTFELD: You know what, you're America's hero.

TIMPF: Thank you.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: That is how I see myself. Is there a question? Do you want to hear about my cough? It started like two days ago. It's been getting progressively worse. I had a difficult time sleeping. Do you want to know about something else?

GUTFELD: Let's go for something else.

TIMPF: Okay, this shutdown?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: You want to talk about the wall?

GUTFELD: Yes, the wall and the shutdown?

TIMPF: Well, I am talking about the wall. Look, I'm not for the wall personally, but the thing about me is I've like never been for it, whereas a lot of these Democrats were for a physical barrier before Trump started saying he was for a physical barrier.

So it's not really about what they believe in, it's about them being so obsessed with the idea of being against Trump. They're completely obsessed with it. They say Trump's obsessed with the wall, but it's like if you have a friend who's like, "Oh my ex-boyfriend is so obsessed with me," but that's all they talk about, like what do you want to get for dinner? Well, oh my yes, my ex-boyfriend is obsessed with me. He used to eat dinner, too and he's so obsessed with me. It's like, it sounds like you're obsessed, too, Sharon, you know.

GUTFELD: Yes, you should not be - you shouldn't use Sharon's name. She's in the green room.

TIMPF: Well, she needs to know.

GUTFELD: I don't know. I don't know. She's a bit unstable.

TIMPF: I think that public shaming is very effective in a free society.

GUTFELD: I agree. All right, Tyrus, I have to say, whether you have disagreements with Trump over 80%, 90%, just his expert trolling to me means that he might be the greatest President we've ever had.

MURDOCH: I don't know about greatest President, but he damn sure is a Hall of Fame bully, like straight up, like, I'm a little worried I might not get in now because he sets the bar. I've got to start you know going back to Melvin's and shoving guys in lockers again.

Like this is - seriously ...

GUTFELD: You think that's bullying. I think it's hilarious.

MURDOCH: All right, meet me in a locker room sometime. We'll play.

GUTFELD: I don't know what that means.

MURDOCH: I think that's - I think his ability to fire back is probably the worst part of the media's job because they usually write their stuff down. They're not improv guys, which is - what clearly is like on the fly, they've got nothing. Like Acosta with his little parent advisory, doctor advisory, that literally was written down and the guy was like, watch I hit him with this question you know, are you going to sign this just so they can get their jobs back? Would you? Huh? And the guy was like, "Well, I'm not in --" Answer question? Would you?

And then he pees and then like he starts to shake, you know what I'm saying? Like this was great. It was like it was literally - I thought I was watching a few good neighbors like, did you want a code red or not? And the reporters were like, "No, please, stop." You know what I am saying? Like, I love the fact that he has like his way of doing things the same way. Mine is when I get caught and are in trouble or something, I turn around on you.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You know what I am saying? And his ability to turn around is amazing, like he will never lose a debate, ever, and like foreign countries have got to just be terrorizing in a closed room with him because he's never going to be wrong and if you don't have your stuff together, he's going to make you cry and wet your pants like that reporter.

I guarantee you. I guarantee you, they're like, "Dude, you just peed your pants." "Because he asked me to answer a question."

GUTFELD: All right, we've got to move. We've got so much more, including a nude restaurant. Yes, a nude restaurant. I've been wanting to do this story all year. But first, what do you call an Oscars without a host? Maybe finally, watchable.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: The host is toast, "Variety" - a magazine reports that the Academy Awards will move forward without a big-name emcee. By now you know that Kevin Hart was going to host, then dropped out because people dug up some old controversial tweets of his.

So apparently, it was Kevin or no one. A million famous people, Oscars couldn't get one of them to host. You had one job, Oscars and he just gave up the. Did you ask William Devane? No. And he's awesome. You need someone to keep the show moving, get my Uncle Carl. He runs Bingo Wednesday nights. He'd totally do it. What about Alf? Alf. He will insult you, but you won't feel threatened. He's like a furry Don Rickles. How about Ted Cruz's beard? Did you ask Ted Cruz's beard? Not Ted, just the beard. I love that beard.

You know, I understand it though you need an A-list person, squeaky clean, professional, no-nonsense, what you see is what you get. I know who should host.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: But only if his wife co-host with him, right? That's it.

FAILLA: I got it.

GUTFELD: Thank you, Jimmy, somebody got that joke. David, Kevin Hart, should he have dropped out completely? What do you make of this?

ANGELO: No, I don't think so. The thing is people, have the - expectations are too high for comedians. A comedian --

GUTFELD: Not for you.

ANGELO: It's true. A good comedian is a crazy person who can speak coherently for a short period of time, and when you need to do this whole thing with like, "Oh you're past," and all of that. That's why no one will do the hosting because it's like, stop, we don't want you digging through.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

ANGELO: And the best - the only good news is if you've been like in prison for the past 30 years, usually that's hard to get a job, but now they get out and they're like, you know employers are like, "Well, this guy, he killed a family in Kansas in 1971, but he's never been on Twitter," he starts Monday.

GUTFELD: Yes, he left a bloody footprint, but he has no social media footprint.

ANGELO: Yes, perfect.

GUTFELD: Tyrus, should Kevin Hart have stayed in and then destroyed the place? Wouldn't that have been the ultimate if he said, "You know, I'll do it" and then just completely let loose.

MURDOCH: I think he destroyed the place by saying, "Nah, I'm good."

GUTFELD: Yes, it's true.

MURDOCH: I think he - you know, when it comes to being a comedian, censorship it's just as bad as telling reporters what they can and cannot report on. You know, the day they start saying what you can't report on when it's like anything can be the news, anything can be a joke and most of most - especially in American culture, joking is how we close the gaps.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

MURDOCH: Making - bringing up stuff is how we change the way we think. We're closer with people with differences because we can laugh about it because we make it normal and it's like, "Oh, you're this way and I'm that way." Like, really you and me are a walking joke, but it works because in every other walk of life, if we didn't have humor between us --

GUTFELD: You'd kill me.

MURDOCH: Yes, probably. Or worse, you would have called the police on me when I went, "Hey, what's wrong? Why are you acting that way?"

GUTFELD: I still may do that.

MURDOCH: You know what I am saying? But the point is like, I applaud him for saying, "No. Forget it."

GUTFELD: Yes, you're right though because the modern progressive movement is eliminating the lubrication that keeps people from killing each other. It's like if you remove humor, Jimmy, we're going to kill each other. The Oscars basically threw in the towel against the mob. They said, "We're not going to do it."

FAILLA: Yes, and to be honest with you, at first I thought it was a bad idea to have a show without a host and then I saw the host on the Golden Globes do their monologue, and I was like, yes, maybe, but I think the problem is, it is having a detrimental impact on society in a few ways.

I mean, first of all, we've become so obsessed with words, you can't even call a moron, a moron anymore. You have to call them Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and moron was quicker. Moron was quicker.

GUTFELD: But who should host? Who should host?

FAILLA: Who should host? I'd agree with Alf at first, but he's an alien and Trump deported him. So he's gone.

GUTFELD: Nicely done.

FAILLA: He is on the other side, but again a lot of the PC stuff is you're right to say that we're caving into a group of insufferable people that we hate these people outside of Twitter. You know what I mean? No one would ever go to a party and bring up a joke you told 10 years ago and then shame you into leaving the party. You know why? Because those kind of people don't get invited to parties. That's the point.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

FAILLA: But all of these like PC things are having a negative impact on society, like I read a study the other day that 40% of elementary school children are obese and they're not doing anything about it because they don't know they're obese. Yes, that's what happens when you eliminate bullying, you know what I am saying?

GUTFELD: Always with the positive aspect.

FAILLA; Thank you.

GUTFELD: All right, last word, Kat, we have this insatiable persecution complex that we just want to persecute anybody. What's next? What's going to happen? I don't know.

TIMPF: What's going to happen?

GUTFELD: I don't know.

TIMPF: You know, I've got to be honest. I tried really, really hard to find something inside of me that cared about the Oscars.

GUTFELD: Right, yes.

TIMPF: I was not successful.

GUTFELD: No, no.

TIMPF: I see people - I see people get so emotional about it like all this, even the Golden Globes like Lady Gaga lost, like if you're so sad that one very rich person lost something else to another very rich person and that's emotionally affecting you, you need to calm down.

GUTFELD: I think that's really good advice. Very good. I think - you know what? I think you could be a good therapist.

TIMPF: Oh yes. That's clearly my calling.

GUTFELD: It really is.

TIMPF: Leading by example.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

MURDOCH: If they knew enough.

GUTFELD: Yes, all right. Up next, a nude restaurant - yes, we have pictures. This is called the long T's people. Believe me, huge spiders will descend from your ceiling. Choose wisely.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

LAUREN BLANCHARD, CORRESPONDENT, FOX NEWS: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Lauren Blanchard. President Trump reportedly concealed details about encounters with Vladimir Putin from senior officials in his administration, that's according to the "Washington Post." This reportedly happened during five face-to-face meetings. During one encounter the President reportedly took the interpreter's notes. He then instructed that individual not to discuss the meeting with White House officials. The President called the article fake.

An American doctor possibly exposed to the Ebola virus while working in the Congo was released from the hospital today. He left the Nebraska Medical Center after completing a 21-day monitoring period. He has shown no symptoms of the disease. More than 350 people have died in the Ebola crisis currently affecting the Democratic Republic of the Congo. I'm Lauren Blanchard, now back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show." For all your headlines, log on to foxnews.com.

GUTFELD: Does the world fail at protecting the male? A new study finds that when it comes to gender equality, men face more discrimination globally than women do. Here's a sample of the news coverage on this landmark global study.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: I guess, when it doesn't fit the narrative, it doesn't exist. Anyway, researchers evaluated billions of people in 134 countries for educational opportunities, life expectancy and overall life satisfaction. It turns out men are disadvantaged in 91 countries compared to 43 nations for women citing that men typically face harsher punishments for similar crimes, mandatory military service and more workplace deaths.

The leading discriminators are the U.S., the U.K. and Australia. In short, being a man on this planet sucks. There should be some kind of public service announcement to get the word out.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TOM SHILLUE, HOST, FOX NATION: Lately, I've had the urge to grill chicken, fish, steaks and create delicious dinners for my family, friends and neighbors. I take pride when they enjoy what I cook. It's kind of weird.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: For some reason, I find tremendous satisfaction assembling a treehouse for my kids. I can't stop reading directions and then putting things together that contribute to the well-being of my community. Last weekend, I helped build a school. It's creepy, I know.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I notice that I feel better knowing my family is well protected and secure. I take pains to make sure that's possible. I worry about my loved ones and I take self-defense classes. I have the best alarm system for my home. What's wrong with me?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: It sounds like these men have a problem. In medical circles, we call this PMS: Persistent Masculinity Syndrome or in plainer terms, you're a dude. A typical man. See if you have any of these recurring symptoms.

SHILLUE: I don't think twice about working overtime so I can afford a better life for my kids. I'd probably lie awake at night worrying about it, but I'm too tired at the end of the day.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I actually think opening a door for a woman or buying her dinner is the least I can do because women are [bleep] awesome. I mean where the hell do they come from?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I love it when I open a jar in front of other people. Come on here, give me a jar. I can't stop.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Every day, I'm more and more willing to risk my life to build a bridge or dig a tunnel to improve you and your family's lives. I almost lost a thumb last week. I found it in my bowling bag.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I you feel any of these symptoms, you may in fact be a man, which comes with a higher risk of industrial accidents, shorter lifespan, may be a stint in prison, but it also comes with the higher risk of being awesome.

Now, you may ask, is there a cure for being a man? There is. Being a wuss. Apologizing, groveling, or you can embrace your affliction instead. Man-up today.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Side effects include being brave, wonderful, fatherly and sacrificing. Some male pattern baldness may occur. They lead to hobbies.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Nice. Excellent. All right, Kat. Does this study make you sympathetic towards the plight of men or do you have the world's smallest violin when you heard this?

TIMPF: It's [bleep]. Do you know how long it takes to strap all of this fake hair into my head? Do you know ...

GUTFELD: I'd seen it.

TIMPF: ... long it takes in the hair and makeup chair people like, "Women live longer than men." Yes, and all those extra years, I'm spending getting someone else's hair strapped into my head to be acceptable to society.

MURDOCH: I've seen it.

TIMPF: Have you ever - have you ever had to sit at your desk and wait for no one to be looking at you so you can put a tampon up your sleeve and walk to the bathroom because you can't talk about having your period, no you have to whisper about having your period. It's like, "Do you have a tampon?" It's like you just murdered somebody because you have a functioning female body and apparently that's somehow disgusting.

FAILLA: The part of that rant that I thought was the funniest that Kat said she's accepted in society, I think that that's amazing.

TIMPF: I think I'm much more accepted with the fake hair than without.

GUTFELD: All right, but next week's show, no fake hair and no glasses.

TIMPF: Oh ...

MURDOCH: Oh, hell no.

TIMPF: Only my father can see me like that.

MURDOCH: You know what, and I will hold a box of - I will one hundred percent hold a box of tampons in the show. And I will tell you, I will go buy them for you, ladies and I don't care. I'd rather buy tampons than Similac and diapers. I'll be the happiest dude juggling tampons in line instead of having to buy diapers and Similac and baby stuff. You were scared of a cockroach in the green room. Screaming for help and who came to save it? Did I ask questions? Did I say, "Oh, equal rights, lady. You have to take care of this." I said, "Hell no. Give me that." Walked it out. Walked this little punk ass out the door, boom.

Why? Because I am a healthy male.

GUTFELD: Mr. Angelo.

ANGELO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Please save me, you know, why this study is necessary, because I think the media created a fake antagonism between men and women, right? So it's always been about like men achieve at the expense of women, so finally we have to do something like this to say no, actually, we're complementary.

ANGELO: Yes, we - yes, you know and I would love to weigh in on the differences between men and women, but I'm trying to host the Oscars. I don't need this tape haunting me for the rest of my life. Women are great. Women are - that was already too far.

GUTFELD: Yes, it was.

FAILLA: But that being said like, wouldn't you love to just drop this story on the set of "The View" and run out of the room. It'd be great.

MURDOCH: There's be some head explosions

FAILLA: Yes, by the way if anybody wants to see "The View," I can get tickets. They are $10.00 to get in and $50.00 to get out.

GUTFELD: We shall leave on that note. Up next, did I tell you about the nude restaurant we're doing a story on? It's a nude restaurant, so stick to your seats everyone because you know they did.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: You know what we need more of?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: User friendly, truth, tremendous, role model, reverse mortgage, patriot, noble --

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GUTFELD: Yes, yes, Greg's Heroes. It's all about people who inspire me because they make fearless choices and this week's hero turned a chicken soda into chicken salad. You may remember Alexa Greenfield who was ruthlessly berated on Twitter for doing nothing more than sitting at the U.S. Open dipping chicken fingers into a cup of Cola, oh, the holy hell that rained down on her dipping chicken in soda. Felony. Call the cops. Psychopath.

But did she let these haters win? No. Now Alexa is launching a cola flavored dipping sauce and she wants all the haters to try it saying quote, "I think people will be surprised at how good it is. In 20 years, nobody will remember it was ever taboo to pair Cola in chicken." But the best part, she has now dropped a music video ahead of the launch of her new sauce.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: I have to say that sticks in your head almost as much as this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Animals are great. Animals are great. Animals are great.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: All right, Tyrus, this is what America is about taking something that originally was a source of embarrassment and turning it into an opportunity for profit.

MURDOCH: I respect her hustle, not so much her music taste that was - I can't get that out of my head.

GUTFELD: That's the chicken dance. You know that, right?

MURDOCH: No, that's from like weddings, right? The whole --

GUTFELD: Yes, it's the chicken dance.

MURDOCH: Yes, I hate weddings, too, so I'm glad they found another thing for that horrible song. I think I'm threatened to punch somebody once they're like, "Hey, do the chicken dance." Yo' mama, I'm not doing the chicken dance. Like this marriage ain't lasting six months, I'm not dancing for it. Like that's the type of guy I am - I think, like I said, the only problem I have with this, why would you need a sauce if you're just going to dip it in Coke anyways?

You know like - you know what I'm saying? Like, I hate to be the guy, but like, I'm going to make a sauce for $2.99, but the chicken thing just usually come with Coke.

GUTFELD: Yes, so you don't need the sauce.

MURDOCH: You don't need the sauce.

GUTFELD: You would be great on Shark Tank. I can hear you say like, "I don't understand ..."

MURDOCH: I am not investing in this.

GUTFELD: I don't understand why you need a sauce for this and for that reason, I'm out.

MURDOCH: Yes, I'm out.

FAILLA: Winner. Winner.

GUTFELD: Yes, David.

ANGELO: Can I go one step further? It's - why do you even need to dip it? Just drink the soda after you take a bite of the chicken.

GUTFELD: And for that reason, I'm out.

MURDOCH: Kat, would you invest?

GUTFELD: Yes, what about - we haven't heard from you, Jimmy? Are you going to invest?

FAILLA: I think she should host the Oscars. That's what I think. The only problem is she'll have to explain to the actresses what chicken fingers are. It's going to be a problem, like what's food? You know that song is annoying, but I am preoccupied by "Baby Shark." Does anyone know "Baby Shark"?

MURDOCH: My daughter knows it well. Yes, "Baby Shark."

FAILLA: We are screwing these kids over. We have a whole generation of kids now who think sharks are friendly and they're going to be jumping into the ocean and getting eaten because of this dumb song. Thank you, I'm done.

MURDOCH: So are you buying? Are you investing or not?

FAILLA: Oh, no. I'm all the way out.

MURDOCH: Down to Kat.

GUTFELD: I'm going to give you $20,000.00 for 97% of your business. That's that bald guy who always does that, Kat. Do you watch "Shark Tank"?

TIMPF: Yes, sometimes.

GUTFELD: Oh that's great.

TIMPF: Yes, sometimes.

GUTFELD: Okay, so do you find this woman to be a hero or an inspiration?

TIMPF: I think she's an absolute genius. She understands how this country works. The only way to go more viral and become more famous in this country than being good at something is being very bad at something.

GUTFELD: True.

TIMPF: Look at Rebecca Black's "Friday" song. We all know who she is now because it was good, no because it was so bad. The music video was very bad and I had an idea for a new show.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: We've got "America's Got Talent." I want to start "America's Got No Talent." Where everyone competes to see who's the worst comedian, the worst musician, the worst juggler magician, whatever. Everyone would watch that because we are a very hateful country.

GUTFELD: We are.

TIMPF: We love to make fun of people who are inferior so why not just broadcast that into everyone's living room rather than having to go to the mall to do it?

GUTFELD: You just showed how young you are because it was called "The Gong Show."

MURDOCH: Yes.

ANGELO: Yes, it was called "The Gong Show."

GUTFELD: Yes, there, it already happened.

TIMPF: I am very young.

MURDOCH: So do you invest?

GUTFELD: Do you invest?

TIMPF: I invest in the music video, in the sauce, the one benefit if I were her I would say is that the sauce would be the consistency of a sauce rather than a straight liquid which might make the chicken tender soggy. Sauces don't do that.

GUTFELD: All right, you know, so you're going to be - you want to be --

TIMPF: Physics, Chemistry.

GUTFELD: You want to adopt the role in the advisory mode and - but you don't want to invest, so for that reason I'm out. No, it's too soon. It's too soon. It's too soon.

ANGELO: You're right. MURDOCH: The world is not ready for dipping Coke.

FAILLA: But to Kat's point, being bad at something does get you famous, like look at Elizabeth Warren, it's unbelievable. Everybody --

GUTFELD: Up next, a high-end French bistro that caters to nudists. Lousy business model or greatest thing ever? The debate you won't see on Cavuto.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: They said enough to breakfast in the buff, Paris's first nudist friendly restaurant has shut down after 15 months due to lack of customers. The upscale Bistro called "Eu Naturale" opened in 2017 with a simple goal, create a dining experience where customers are completely naked.

The owners claim they're not nudists themselves, but thought they were reaching - around - an untapped market, but they overlooked a tiny flaw in the business model, where do naked customers keep their money? And few people want to see genitals while they're eating, at least I don't. Sometimes.

Anyway, while the whole business model does seem weird, it's still a better idea than this.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: I agree, Jimmy, nude restaurant invest or not invest? Are you in are you out?

FAILLA: I am out. I will tell you why. At first, I thought this was kind of hip and it might catch on. But it turns out, nobody wants to eat steak in a place where you can also get crabs.

MURDOCH: You can't say that.

GUTFELD: Oh, you could say that. Kat, what - do you think this would ever come to America? It probably has.

TIMPF: It already has, yes.

GUTFELD: San Francisco.

TIMPF: Nude restaurant, my apartment, hello. Have you ever eaten mozzarella sticks in the bathtub, Greg?

GUTFELD: No.

TIMPF: It's great. The little Tupperware, you can put marinara sauce in it, it actually floats in your tub with you.

GUTFELD: That's fantastic. You know when the neighbors fought - after three or four days when they don't hear anything from your apartment and they come to find your body, it's going to be covered in mozzarella tubs.

TIMPF: Marinara sauce. They'll think that I was murdered, but I would just have been someone enjoying some fast Italian.

GUTFELD: Exactly. David, are you sad? I used to have it - this is going
away.

ANGELO: You know this is going to never work from the beginning, you know, I've never been in a locker room like, "Hey, you know this would be a great place to take a date." Not trying to eat French food while I'm looking at someone else's ratatouille. There you go.

GUTFELD: Tyrus, to nudism is always disappointing because we always want to look and then we instantly regret looking because they're never the nudes you want to see.

MURDOCH: No, it's always walking into a group full of guys with the same disappointed look that you have because there's no women there and the women who are there or on the other side of "I don't give a damn anymore." So you know, things like gravity and cosmetic surgery is not really appealing to them.

So yes, it's a horrible sausage fest of guys who are all staring at the door and watching each other to make sure they're not looking at each other. It's like using the bathroom in a crowded urinal for guys. Everyone's eyes is right here. Every once in a while, there's a "What are you looking at?" Like it's you know what I'm saying, so I can't see how I want to sit down to a meal of food where all the sounds and I mean, where do you put the napkin?

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

MURDOCH: You know what I am saying?

GUTFELD: Well, actually, where do you keep the wallet?

MURDOCH: You can't have hot soup.

GUTFELD: Actually, it's a question I don't want answered.

MURDOCH: You imagine spilling your food and stuff, you know, like "Oh, I'll get it." No. Like I just --

GUTFELD: All right, I think we should probably wrap this up.

MURDOCH: They didn't.

GUTFELD: To go. They didn't. Nicely done. Don't forget, "The Gutfeld Monologues Live" is coming to Florida. Two shows, Saturday March 2nd in Tampa; Sunday March 3rd in West Palm Beach. Plus special guest, Tom Shillue. Tickets still available for both shows. Go to gutfeld.com for ticket information. "Final Thoughts" that's next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: All right, just you, Kat. Final thought?

TIMPF: Yes, I have a new podcast with Tyrus called "Tyrus and Timpf" podcast. It's available, foxnewspodcast.com. It's great. We talk about all kinds of fun, interesting news stories. I reveal too much about my personal life, generally.

GUTFELD: Really?

MURDOCH: Yes, and I do not.

TIMPF: Yes, I don't know. He's - it's - I mean, people shouldn't listen to it because it's humiliating for me, but listen to it because it's also --

MURDOCH: I have a blast.

TIMPF: It's also how I grow.

GUTFELD: Oh, that's good and that's important. We want you to grow. All right, that was an awesome show. Special thanks to Jimmy Failla, David Angelo, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld, and I love you America.

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