This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," August 31, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. JOHN KENNEDY, R-LA: I believe for a long time and this report confirms it, Mr. Comey is a meathead.

(Laughter)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Give that guy a show.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right. You remember "USA Today," right? They published a survey this week claiming that Americans are facing the next election with serious dread.

But dread of what? Liz Warren dancing? Beto talking? Another Joe Biden gaffe? "Yes, I remember when I was President of Peppermint City in Candyland. And my roommate, Barack took a spaceship to Six Flags. And I got a snow cone with Larry, the Cable Guy." It's like he is a 10-year-old telling you one of his dreams.

No, this is dread of an election result that can't be trusted. Well, what could have influenced our outlook?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC HOST: The worst case scenario that the President is a foreign agent suddenly feels very powerful.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: You still believe the President could be a Russian asset?

ANDREW MCCABE, FORMER FBI DEPUTY DIRECTOR: I think it's possible.

ARI MELBER, MSNBC HOST: The noose is tightening around the Trump campaign.

CHRIS CUOMO, CNN ANCHOR: Many are saying this is a day that will live in infamy. That's true. They say it will be remembered as the day the presidency as a symbol of America's protection died.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: For three years, you had a media creating peak level hysteria, with commentators pretending to be news readers claiming our election system was corrupted by the Russians who colluded with Trump.

It was all BS, but the media's monotonous refrain continued, and it left us questioning whether any election result that you like will ever be accepted again, and not because the Russians might collude.

But because the media and the Democrats will collude and refuse any result that they hate. But you'd think the media would have learned after all of this?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MADDOW: This guy Kilimnik keeps turning up again and again. Konstantin Kilimnik. Konstantin Kilimnik. Konstantin Kilimnik. Konstantin Kilimnik. Konstantin Kilimnik. He is still Russian military intelligence.

Kilimnik, a short man who goes by "Kostya." This guy Konstantin Kilimnik.

This guy Konstantin Kilimnik is the key that unlocks that door. It seems like it would have to be.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Those were good times. Well, you'd think they would have moved on. But no. See Lawrence O'Donnell, a play in two acts.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

LAWRENCE O'DONNELL, MSNBC HOST: This single source close to Deutsche Bank has told me that the Trump -- Donald Trump's loan documents there show that he has co-signers. That's how he was able to obtain those loans. And that the co-signers are Russian oligarchs.

Last night on this show, I discussed information that wasn't ready for reporting. I repeated statements a single source told me about the President's finances and loan documents with Deutsche Bank, saying if true, as I discussed, the information was simply not good enough.

I did not go through the rigorous verification and standards process here at MSNBC before repeating what I heard from my source. I should not have said it on air or posted it on Twitter. I was wrong to do so.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I'm no expert in journalism. But I can safely say that wasn't it.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But, to his credit, he apologized. CNN still refuses to admit their role in creating a mountain of collusion crap. It's an above ground sewer, and they just keep climbing to the top and dumping more on.

But there's another thing Americans dread. It's the Democrats, the ones leading the pack of candidates. They are pretty old. How old you say? Well, we dug up some pictures from Bernie, Joe and Liz's childhood.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So easy. So now voters are worried and me too. Age is a big question. It's one that this show takes very seriously. Every morning with our Dulcolax.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Roll it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: Think some of the 2020 candidates have an age problem? We couldn't agree more. They're way too young. Older people are superior to young people in almost every way because they excel at highly useful things like shushing loud people at movie theaters, confronting line cutters at the buffet, telling you what Rush said today on the radio, turning the lights off in every room, giving exact change at the cashier when purchasing elastic garters for their socks.

They're also great at dispensing wisdom hugs and gardening tips, but not during Tucker because everyone has to shut up when Tucker is on. Still not convinced? Think about this, bub.

You recently built a wall playing Fortnite, but your grandpa strangled a Nazi on the beaches of Normandy. You call in sick from work after bad night of sushi. But your grandma beat polio then built your crib by hand, while smoking a pack of Lucky Strikes.

You spend weekends drinking mimosas at Bottomless Brunch. But your great uncle illegally distilled his own moonshine in the bathtub. Shank Skanksters who wanted to steal it, then sold it to the cops for a massive profit.

So if you want the Oval Office furniture covered in plastic with a President who once got a root canal without painkillers, vote for the super old candidates of America.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: We love older people here. So age isn't the biggest concern. The big problem is credibility. Do we have confidence in any of these people? And do we trust the media to call this election fairly?

I mean, these are the people who believed Comey, the guy who leaked phony info to the media, and then demanded an apology after leaking phony info to the media.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: In his head, he believes the report vindicated him. And so he sees himself rounding the basis after hitting a grand slam. When in reality he just crapped his pants at the prom. I know from experience.

So it's no wonder Americans are filled with dread. But you don't have to be. There are way more important things to fear. You know what I dread? Any medical procedure involving a tube. Any new Red Hot Chili Peppers album? A child with sticky hands who wants a hug. I dread getting recognized at a bar by people who think I'm Brian Kilmeade.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I dread the scent of Lou Dobbs' gym hamper. You know, I dread office elevator conversations from Monday to Wednesday, it is "So how was your weekend?" And then from Wednesday to Friday, it's, "So do you have plans for the weekend?"

And I dread when my shampoo gets so low I have to use hand soap, which is what I normally drink when I run out of wine.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: As for you, dear viewer, there's nothing to dread about the election. If you like Trump and he wins, you get four more years. If you like Trump and he loses, you get eight to 12 more years.

I mean, you think he's just going to retire and move to the villages and drive a golf cart to the local Starbucks to get a slice of pumpkin bread and chat about his third hernia? No. Whether he is in the White House or out, it is still his show. And let's face it, we're all going to watch.

(Cheering and Applause)

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guest. A puddle is her Lake Superior, my co-host on "The Five" and anchor of "The Daily Briefing," Dana Perino.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: If you're feeling sickly, he'll heal you quickly. Oh, so the radio show, "Dr. Drew Midday Live," Dr. Drew Pinsky.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Her favorite sport is fishing -- for compliments. Host of "Sincerely Kat," on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: And Jupiter is his yoga ball. My massive sidekick and host of "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation. Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right. Dana, are you dreading the 2020 election? Is it scaring you?

DANA PERINO, HOST: No, no, no. I love elections. I mean, I love America.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: And that's what we do.

(Cheering and Applause)

PERINO: I can see why there's a little bit of dread, though, because we've never stopped talking about the previous election. And usually there's a little bit of a lull, right, like 2019 should be not about politics, you might like other things, football, whatever.

They're going to make us talk about the election. The President like, he is --

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: We're all about this, and in fact, I don't think that the Democrats have actually driven a new cycle this year.

GUTFELD: No.

PERINO: So the President does it for them.

GUTFELD: He is the new -- yes, he is the -- he has replaced the media as picking the stories. It's almost kind of brilliant, Dr. Drew, are you worried that this might be creating some kind of long term psychological damage to this country?

(Laughter)

DREW PINSKY, RADIO SHOW HOST: You know, that footage you aired of CNN and MSNBC that damaged me.

GUTFELD: I know. Isn't that amazing?

PINSKY: Yes. And so we were sitting through that cesspool month after month. You don't think that affected us psychologically?

And so what I dread is going back to that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: If we have more -- it may not be the same story, it would be more of that nonsense that is so devastatingly harmful to people to sit in that all the time. It's not good for us.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes. And to me, it's like they don't even remember they said this, which is -- they blocked it out.

PINSKY: Very weird.

GUTFELD: They blocked it out. Kat, do you dread anything? Or is there nothing you don't dread?

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: I just need to say that I completely disagree with your monologue. You were so wrong. Biden is too old. Trump is too old. Every President we've ever had is too old. What we need -- hear me out everybody -- a baby. Okay.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: No, listen. Listen. Not a toddler, a baby. They serve for what? Six months to a year whenever they are able to communicate. They are out. New baby in.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Because if they can't -- if they can't communicate, they can't take my rights. They can't take my money. They can't do anything. So I am saying womb to the White House.

PINSKY: No, no.

TIMPF: Womb to the White House. Imagine, I am delivering a baby --

PINSKY: No.

GUTFELD: Yes, but you get the point.

PINSKY: No, yolk sac to Sacramento. We need a baby in Sacramento, in California.

TIMPF: Get babies all around.

GUTFELD: You know, the baby is the perfect libertarian candidate.

TIMPF: Exactly.

GUTFELD: Useless.

TIMPF: Womb -- is that how you deliver a baby, doc? Like this?

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Womb to the White House.

GUTFELD: Did you ever deliver babies?

PINSKY: Oh yes.

GUTFELD: Oh, wow. Sorry.

PINSKY: It wasn't that bad. It was fun.

TIMPF: Well, did I -- is that how you do it?

PINSKY: Yes, a little more like this.

TIMPF: How big? Okay.

GUTFELD: Tyrus, are you dreading the election? Or no? I know if you don't dread anything, do you?

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, CONTRIBUTOR: I dread dumb questions.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Every -- you know, to go back to this day we'll live in infamy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: How many days have we had in infamy? How many asteroids were coming to Earth that it's over?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Kiss your mama. We're done. The next day, another asteroid is coming. Like there's never an actual real problem. We're in a really good time to be American. So what are you reading?

PINSKY: True.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: What do you really -- what are we really dreading? Like, if you have a pistol or a job, you can get food.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: All I am saying is, there's jobs everywhere.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

MURDOCH: You can live at your parents for a long time. You know, there's missiles flying overhead. You don't even have to fight people anymore. Physically, you can just yell at them on social media and you don't have to see them. You just block them.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I mean, it's literally the safest time to be a human being.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: It's so true.

(Cheering and Applause)

TIMPF: It's almost as if it's so easy, a baby could do it.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right. Up next, a preview of the next debate or as I call it, three hours without Marianne.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: And now, “The Greg Gutfeld Show” presents, the 2020 CAN'T-idates.

GUTFELD: Will the next debate put you in a comatose state? It's coming the second week of September, but the candidates had to meet tougher requirements for this one. So only half made the cut. A lousy half.

So we've got the top 10 on one stage for one night only for three hours. It's going to require a lot of wine. Because it's going to be a lot of boring. Why? Well, no Marianne, the one who says the only interesting stuff on the debate stage. And with the most beautiful voice I've ever heard.

No Tulsi, the one who is not afraid to throw a punch or two up there. And no Kirsten, the villain everyone loves to hate. Yes, the mean girl dropped out this week.

But we may hear from Marianne on debate night after all, she told the online podcast this week, she may give a rebuttal when the debate is over. That's me breaking news.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Learn about it, Chip. So get ready for three hours of pie in the sky promises, jabs at the front runner and Trump's evil -- plenty of Trump's evil -- or they could put this on a three hour loop and I'd watch.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: They are applauding an elderly man getting punched by himself, Dr. Drew, that's psychotic. Are you happy to see fewer candidates?

PINSKY: Oh yes.

GUTFELD: You are?

PINSKY: Yes, I miss those three. Funny, you put -- those too are my three my favorites. I will miss them. But no, I won't watch it at all.

GUTFELD: No, no.

PINSKY: So I won't miss anything.

GUTFELD: I can't watch anything. You just get the highlights the next day, Kat, right?

TIMPF: I will watch it because I'm a serious journalist.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: One of these days Bret will watch. Okay, I'm actually sad about Kirsten Gillibrand leaving because I -- like I was really starting to like her, like first I didn't know -- like, I didn't know, but then she just kept telling me she was a mom.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: She had a baby.

TIMPF: She had -- she's a mom. I mean, come on. What more do we need to know than that what? Well, you're in. Or that's the least how she treated -- I mean she's no Ranch dressing obviously, as we saw.

PINSKY: Her baby could get to the White House.

TIMPF: Her baby -- well, the kids are too old. I'm talking infants. But you know, I just know, she has plenty more time to like, I don't know drink warm milk.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Interesting.

TIMPF: She strikes me as someone who sits on the floor and drinks warm milk.

GUTFELD: You know, when she dropped out who was the happiest person? Stuart Smalley, right? Nobody remembers Stuart Smalley.

PINSKY: I do, I do.

GUTFELD: Al Franken. He was at home with his boxers. You know what I think he should do. He should enter the race. She's out. He's in. That wouldn't be --

PERINO: Not a bad idea.

GUTFELD: It's not a bad idea.

PINSKY: It's a great idea.

GUTFELD: God, why am I here? I should be running this. Tyrus, I should be running this country. Al Franken has got to enter the race tomorrow.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Yes. Yes, I mean, it's not like he's got -- all he has got to do is get 2.1 percent and he's in, so I mean, the bar is pretty low.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: I mean, to Gillibrand, I'm sorry. But I've had a lot of public speaking engagements in my life. And I've had promos and stuff but I'm pretty sure if I was trying to promote something I was going to do or on stage doing standup or a wrestling match even and someone says, "Excuse me, I need to find the Ranch." I would put my head down and leave because that means --

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: So it was really a long time coming like the signs were there. Somebody interrupted your speech for a condiment.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: About leading the free world.

GUTFELD: But it was Ranch.

TIMPF: It was Ranch.

MURDOCH: No, you have to say, "Attention. I'm running for ..." Ranch?

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Was she supposed to eat dry chicken tenders?

MURDOCH: The point is --

TIMPF: Might as well not eat.

MURDOCH: She couldn't put down your chicken. The thought of her head while you were talking about leading the free world was -- you know what, this is some dry ass chicken. I need this Ranch.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: If that's what happens. That's like telling your woman how much you love her, and can I borrow this, and she is like this.

TIMPF: No.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Ha? Oh, Yes, I love you too. That's the same thing.

TIMPF: Wait, that's not how you're supposed to do it.

MURDOCH: I don't know.

TIMPF: Oh, I never get off my phone.

GUTFELD: Dana, I said that like this debate is now like a TV show without a main character. It's like "Charlie's Angels" without Charlie or the angels or "Three's Company," and all you've got is --

PERINO: And all you've got is Trump.

GUTFELD: What?

PERINO: It's without President Trump.

GUTFELD: It's without Trump.

PERINO: I mean, they're going to talk about him. But at least when you had some characters --

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Like there was going to be some characters -- but I do wonder if there's going to be a little bit of sharper elbows. Because now the rubber is going to hit the road. They've got like 20 weeks until the first vote and now they're all going to be on stage so they can't hide behind the others. Now it's all -- I think it could be interesting.

GUTFELD: Liz Warren seems like she's got --

PERINO: She has got long arms.

GUTFELD: She has long arms. She's got like praying mantis --

PERINO: Long arms.

TIMPF: And what about it?

PINSKY: What about it?

GUTFELD: You do have long arms.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: I have very long arms.

MURDOCH: This is your point. You're creating an interesting concept.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Liz Warren grows toggle arms, we will watch. Watching these debates is like watching security cam at the mall.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: We'll just --

PINSKY: Wait a minute, you guys are --

MURDOCH: It's just nothing.

PINSKY: The Biden gaffes -- aren't you -- I'm anxious to see what those --

GUTFELD: You know what's sad about -- the thing is, it's not funny to me anymore. It's almost like you know, maybe I don't know, maybe he will get -- I think they need to release tiny bear cubs on stage and let them roam on the stage and just see how they react.

Or each candidate wears a tickle collar. Do you know what a tickle collar is?

PINSKY: Like electrical collar?

TIMPF: It sounds personal.

PERINO: I mean, I have no idea.

(Laughter)

PERINO: What that is. I have never heard of that, Dr. Drew, honestly.

GUTFELD: Just Google tickle collar. It's not that --

PERINO: Go Google that, America.

GUTFELD: It's not what you think. You just wear it.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: You let a stranger wear it. I mean, you let a stranger control it.

PINSKY: It's not getting better. It's not getting better.

GUTFELD: You let a stranger control it and it just tickles you.

PERINO: No.

MURDOCH: And that's “The Greg Gutfeld Show.”

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And by the way, up next. He is right, we are teasing. The survey that says New York is the least friendly state. It'll probably change once I leave.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: They think the Big Apple treats them like crap ball. A survey from Big Seven Travel -- whatever that is -- has ranked the 50 states in terms of friendliness.

Number one, the friendliest state, Minnesota. People there have what's called Minnesota nice, supposed to Minnesota lice. I got that once at a party. Minnesota nights is defined as quote, "the stereotypical behavior of locals to be courteous, reserved and mild mannered," while they dismember your body and feed it to the pigs. The rest of the top five: Tennessee, South Carolina, Texas and Wyoming, but the least friendly state of course, New York, which we all know isn't the case, right? My friendly studio audience in New York?

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Sure, New Yorkers can be tough, a little wisecracking. They don't put up with BS or suffer fools, but unfriendly, no. No nonsense, yes. Kind of like this guy. Who is more New York this guy? No wonder everyone thinks he is so mean and rude and crass.

Whereas a New Yorker might say, hey, mind your [bleep] your own [bleep] business.

(Applause)

GUTFELD: So Kat, my theory is that the antagonism towards Trump is that they've never met a New Yorker.

TIMPF: Look, New York is definitely the least friendly state. New York City is definitely the least friendly city. That's why I like it.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Have you ever been to another state? You get in an Uber, the driver just talk to you?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: They're like, "How is your day?" I'm like, "Don't ask me that invasive question. I don't even know you." You know, they smile at you on the street. You have to smile back, which means you got to take your vape out of your mouth.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: It's just not conducive to my lifestyle.

GUTFELD: It is not conducive to your lifestyle. Dana, Minnesota is nicest, why? It's that accent it which is kind of benign and folksy. So, is this more about accents? New York sounds mean. Minnesota sounds nice.

PERINO: No. I think it has a little bit to do with pace.

GUTFELD: Pace.

PERINO: Pace of life and also personal space. So pace and space. So in Minnesota, you've got a lot of space and you don't have to like rush everywhere. You don't have to be in a hurry all the time and have a lot of stress.

And New York is the opposite. There's too many people and there's not enough space and everything is going very fast, but I've adapted.

At first, I remember I didn't. Remember? I didn't like it up here.

GUTFELD: You hated it.

PERINO: I am from Wyoming. I was like really nice.

GUTFELD: Yes, you're very nice. Now, you're awful.

PERINO: And now, I am like, I'm terrible. I barely recognize myself.

GUTFELD: No, I know, I remember the person I met in the front of the building who blew me off. She wasn't nice back then either. Dr. Drew, is this playing into stereotypes?

PINSKY: Yes, a bit. I think that's more than anything what this is. You guys been to California lately? I mean, things are not nice. Things are not nice. I mean, there's a corridor right down the middle of this country where people are obnoxiously nice.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: There's -- and whether it's a big city going to Nashville, you can go all the way down into the some of the cities in Texas, people are ridiculously nice.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: So there's something about the middle of our country. It may be pace, it maybe -- but some of it is in urban environments. They are still just as nice. I think it is a culture.

GUTFELD: It's a coastal thing. It's the water. It's in the water, Tyrus?

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I don't know what's in the water, but it also has to do with your own demeanor. I find that wherever I go, people tend to be very nice to me.

(Laughter)

PERINO: I wonder why.

MURDOCH: Very rarely am I walking through the streets of New York and it's like, "Get out of my way." "Oh, hello, sir. How are you?"

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: And they're always -- it's always with love because everyone is always clutching their chest after I walk by them. Very religious, like, "Dear God." So I don't really experience the anger as much because I have a face that says, "I wish you would."

GUTFELD: Yes. I wish one day I could inhabit your body.

(Laughter)

PINSKY: This is getting weird, Greg. You want to get inside Tyrus.

MURDOCH: Why are you repeating, it, doc? You want to keep the glasses?

PINSKY: You want to have a chink of the old necklace. You want to get in him is sort of --

GUTFELD: I think, you know, it would be possible for me, if you can wear like --

MURDOCH: You'd be in jail in eight seconds.

GUTFELD: No, but build the little Greg sack and I can just beam --

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Like a marsupial?

GUTFELD: Yes, like a marsupial.

MURDOCH: Excuse me.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Two things I don't ever want to hear from you again with my name is insert in sack, please, I am not listening.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Change the subject. Now, you know what? Now, New York is looking a little [bleep] now.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Sorry, Dana.

GUTFELD: You know what, I'm going to end this on a -- I think that Trump is the walking embodiment of New York trash talk. And so like he could turn on you at any minute.

PERINO: So remember when Ted Cruz tried that maneuver, and he tried to say that about New York values, and everyone knows what I'm talking about. And President Trump was like, "Oh, yes." And then he went right back at him and all the New Yorkers were like, "Right."

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: And then everyone thought, "Oh, we hate Ted Cruz." And he is from Texas, which is supposed to be nice.

PINSKY: And I've got to say, I've gotten to know Scaramucci a bit.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: Same dude. He is the same guy.

PERINO: Oh boy.

GUTFELD: Ay-yay-yay. I tried to -- never mind. I am not going to go there because I'm already in trouble. All right, up next. It's the outrage mob versus the Olive Garden. Who wins? Anyone with breadsticks?

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: There's nothing they won't do to cancel you. Last week, a Twitter mob went after Olive Garden following a tweet that alleged the restaurant donated to Trump's campaign.

The online outrage faded after Mr. Garden revealed that neither they know their parent company donates to candidates. But that didn't stop the cancel culture mob.

Next on the hit list, Pepe's Pizza in Connecticut, who also faced calls for a boycott by losers after a picture of their co-owner surfaced holding a pro-Trump sign. God forbid.

Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy, who is so progressive he even parts his hair to the far left refused to participate in the boycott, saying he felt quote, "Like that kind of line drawing would be exhausting." So true.

Being outraged about everything is tiresome. But if you think you're suffering from outrage fatigue, we've got just the thing.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Kellyanne Conway slams Taylor Swift. Nah. Sean Spicer joins "Dancing with the Stars" boring.

Trump says he is the greatest thing to ever happen to Puerto Rico. Who cares?

ANNOUNCER: Sounds like you're feeling a little fatigued.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, I just can't seem to get outraged by this stuff anymore. Is there anything I can do?

ANNOUNCER: You should try Outrage Fatigues.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Tell me more.

ANNOUNCER: Outrage Fatigues are the all-purpose clothing for when you find yourself unable to get angry about stuff that doesn't affect you. They're great for boycotting businesses, organizing Twitter mobs or shouting at people wearing red hats.

Plus, they come with a super convenient S-flash.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Fox News number one in the ratings. In-N-Out Burger COO donates to Trump. Matthew McConaughey becomes a film professor.

ANNOUNCER: How do you feel now?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I feel amazing. Thanks Outrage Fatigues.

ANNOUNCE: You bet. So good Outrage Fatigues today. Warning. Outrage Fatigues are 50 percent cotton and 50 percent asbestos and 50 percent nitroglycerin. We found them in a Soviet bunker in 1991.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Tyrus, do you get outraged online about anything? I've never -- all you do is post pictures of you working out.

MURDOCH: Because that's what I feel about Instagram, like the whole point of my social media is to let you know I'm doing other things besides social media.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: So if somebody is outraged on social media at me, that's just not real enough for me. Like if you get that upset, I'm literally not that hard to find. If you are that upset, come find me. We'll figure it out.

But it's convenient. We talked about this all the time. You talked about it with like stalkers and people who hate you. Like you don't worry about people who hate you anymore because they don't have to go find you.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: They could go, "I don't like you, Tyrus, you said that President Trump was okay." You know, #BanHim. And these boycotts? Seriously, six people are going to boycott your Olive Garden.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I think they'll survive.

MURDOCH: When are they going to start like -- why can't these companies start going, "Go ahead."

GUTFELD: Yes. Exactly. Because they are cowards. The companies are cowards.

MURDOCH: I've seen your pictures. You need a few days off. Like go at them.

GUTFELD: If the companies -- this work, they get so submissive?

PINSKY: Yes, first thing should be, we're not firing this person. We're going to do our due diligence. First thing not fire.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

PINSKY: That should be it. But when did outrage in those sorts of "how dare you" kinds of feelings become intolerable?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: And something that was cool. That was something that like Aristocrats had like and Thurston Howell got outraged. You know what I mean?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: It's like, it's -- why a 22-year-old is experiencing these emotions that have no real relevance, except it allows him to get credibility and get currency in the social media.

GUTFELD: What was his wife's name?

PINSKY: Lovey.

GUTFELD: Lovey. Remember --

PINSKY: Lovey would get outraged.

GUTFELD: Lovey would get, "Oh, my world. The papers."

PINSKY: We've got a whole culture filled with that. It's very bizarre.

GUTFELD: Well, you know what it is, Dana? I think my theory is that if you're contemplating a boycott, you're publicly revealing to everybody that there's a hole in your life, right?

PERINO: Absolutely.

GUTFELD: You know, because if you've got a fulfilling life, you're not typing, "I am boycotting."

PERINO: Also, if you have to announce it, like if you don't want to go to eat at the Olive Garden anymore, because you think that this fake thing might be true, then you don't have to tell us about it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Just make a personal decision. You know, I do think about those smaller businesses, though. Like the one in Connecticut.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Like Olive Garden can afford to say, "Forget it. You're ridiculous." But a place like that that's a small business -- so I think if you are seeing this, everybody should go to Frank's or whatever it is called? Pepe's?

(Applause)

GUTFELD: Pepe's.

PERINO: But I am sure the guy's name is Frank.

GUTFELD: That reminds me of the bakery next to the college, and they all tried to ruin it. And the bakery sued.

PERINO: Yes, yes. Oberlin College.

GUTFELD: Yes, Oberlin and the bakery sued and got millions. And I love that.

PERINO: And they finally won. Yes.

GUTFELD: Kat, you're always on the internet and you're always angry. Very angry.

TIMPF: Yes, but I don't get offended. And I don't think a lot of these people actually are offended. I just can't -- they just want to be cool. I can't imagine pretending to be offended in order to fit in with a bunch of other people who are pretending to be offended for the same reason.

PINSKY: Bring back dueling.

TIMPF: But at the same time, this Olive Garden thing taught me a lesson and I don't know if it's the right lesson. But the lesson that I learned is they just -- you know, everyone -- someone just said that Olive Garden donated to Trump and the whole internet got mad at them without any proof.

So I'm going to say according to my sources, all my ex-boyfriends and the girl Erica, who bullied me in high school, huge Trump donors.

(Laughter)

PINSKY: Are you apologizing -- just like --

TIMPF: According to my sources.

GUTFELD: That's a good idea. According to your sources. That's a great idea. I'm going to start using that. No, I think if you wake up in the morning and you are going -- about to do that, that's telling -- it's actually a positive thing.

It's like telling you, you have a drinking problem and it's like, "Holy crap. There's something in my life missing that I'm doing this," so maybe you've got to get a hobby, you know --

MURDOCH: Or get your ass out the house.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: It used to be, you actually had to go in to Olive Garden and have a problem with it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And then you did it on purpose so your mom could get a free meal.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You know, "There was a problem with my salad." "Oh, we'll take it -- but sir, you ate the whole plate." "There's a problem with it."

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And they take it out the bill and you look at the person and she's like, "Free salad." Like that's what it used to be.

TIMPF: I did yell at a container store on Twitter this week, but they did something way worse.

GUTFELD: What did they do?

TIMPF: They stopped tweeting me back.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: You're a ghosted by --

TIMPF: I was ghosted by a container store.

GUTFELD: By a plastic box. All right. Up next, do optimists live longer than pessimists? We discuss with Dana who is 230 years old tomorrow.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Will you live longer if your spirit is stronger? My new study says people who are optimists might be living longer than pessimists. Scientists use data from over 70,000 people over the course of three decades. That's 30 years, Kat.

The results showed a 10 percent increase in lifespan for optimistic men and up to 15 percent for women which sounds sexist to me. This may be the case, but when I get old, I know only one thing is going to keep me going.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: Did everybody else see that?

(Laughter)

PINSKY: Greg, you should take your shirt off more often.

GUTFELD: Anyway, all right. I have to go to our -- we have an optimist and a pessimist, I think. Kat is the pessimist. Dana is the optimist.

PERINO: You know, you didn't call me that. You called me a realistic pessimist.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: At some point.

GUTFELD: Well, I they don't --

PERINO: You remember that?

GUTFELD: No, we were having this because of -- a realistic pessimist prepares for the worse, and it's happily surprised --

PERINO: When it's better.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Okay, that might be more me. But I do think, I try to look on the positive side of things. Because if not, it's just going to feel like you live a lot longer.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

PERINO: But if you're miserable, you're like, "Oh, my life is lasting forever."

GUTFELD: Yes. Isn't it ironic that Woody Allen is living long? Because he keeps thinking he is dying?

PERINO: Right?

GUTFELD: You know, and he is --

PERINO: Like the more pessimistic you are -- I mean, I don't know, I'd have to ask the expert here.

GUTFELD: Well, obviously, marrying your stepdaughter adds 10 years to your life.

PINSKY: Easily. Remember at the start of the show, we were talking about all that footage from MSNBC and CNN, and that all makes you pessimistic. There's always literature out there about people living longer, being healthier with positive affect and laughter and good engagement with other people. It actually enhances our immune function. It just does.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PINSKY: And so this does not surprise me a bit. But it's why I said all that footage does us damage.

GUTFELD: What you're saying is that, like you have to actually kind of be your own curator of information. So when you find crap coming in, that's going to affect you. You may not know it's affecting you, Tyrus, but if it's like, if you keep taking in the crap, it's going to make you crappy. You could quote me on that.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Surgeon General, if that's your real name. Yes.

MURDOCH: There was no question in there whatsoever.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I guess I got confused by this because every funeral I've ever been to, they always talk about how optimistic the guy was and how much they love life.

They never in the funeral were like, "This dude hated life. We're glad he's gone. He was miserable to be around." And every accident I've ever seen is always something like, "Well, I don't know if it worked. But I figured I'd give it a try."

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: So -- and it's always the one who's like, "Hey, you coming out the house to go climb Mount Everest?" "No. I'm staying in." So it's confusing to me. Because all the people who are in -- or don't want to do anything lived because they don't do anything.

GUTFELD: Okay.

MURDOCH: And all the people who are like, "Let's do it." They are the ones that die.

GUTFELD: All the adventures -- all the adventures that do the Instagram on the cliff, they die a week later.

MURDOCH: Yes, you never see a miserable guy, "Like I'm hanging on a cliff. This was so dumb. I want to die." Someone who is like, "Living my best dream."

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: What?

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Kat, do you believe this study?

TIMPF: Sure.

GUTFELD: Okay.

TIMPF: Sure. Why not?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I'm a pessimist, as some of you may have noticed. But here's the thing. People think this is only good for optimists. I, as a pessimist recognize that the world is a cruel, cruel place. I'm not trying to live forever. You know what I mean?

I don't -- I don't really need to be like 103. Like, what do you do when you're 103? You know what I mean? I'm asking.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: A hundred and three --

TIMPF: I'm sure people who watch you are 103.

GUTFELD: A hundred and three years is like the new 83.

TIMPF: Okay, but you know, I'm just saying. The world is a cruel place. You know, I'm always cold.

(Laughter)

PINSKY: Kat wants out. She wants out.

GUTFELD: Well, you know, there is a place called hell.

TIMPF: And I look forward to it.

(Laughter)

PERINO: That's so optimistic of you.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: It could be a good place.

TIMPF: I am only optimistic about going to hell.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Otherwise known as New Jersey. I am kidding. I am kidding. I'm joking. We are just weeks away from the start of "The Gutfeld Monologues Live" fall tour. Oh, it's going to be great. It begins September 14 in Orlando, then Atlanta September 15th; plus shows in Omaha, Jacksonville, and Durham. The H is silent. Knoxville. Tickets still available for all shows, ggutfeld.com. Go there for ticket info.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: "Final Thoughts." It's the last thought. That's why it's called the "Final Thoughts." Okay.

GUTFELD: All right, Tyrus. I bet you have a final thought --

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: So many thoughts in my head. The only one I can say without getting in trouble, I'll go with "Tyrus and Timpf Podcast" drops this weekend, so make sure you check it on iTunes.

(Cheering and Applause)

MURDOCH: And we got sponsors now. So we're --

GUTFELD: You have a sponsor?

MURDOCH: Yes, we have them. Do you have one?

GUTFELD: No. I think that's -- no, I don't.

TIMPF: I don't know if we're supposed to say that yet.

MURDOCH: I don't give a damn.

TIMPF: I do.

MURDOCH: It's my thought.

GUTFELD: All right.

MURDOCH: Get your own thought.

GUTFELD: You know what screw your sponsors. Thanks to Dana Perino, Dr. Drew, Kat, Tyrus, our studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.

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