Time to Change Terror Alert System

So apparently the Obama administration will be reviewing the terror alert system put in place by George W. Bush after 9/11. That's the system that matches increased risk levels with five cool Gatorade flavors.

Now, I agree this system should go; it's based on color, which reeks of racism, by the by. But I think we should replace it with something that incorporates Obama's own "root cause" philosophy on terror.

I favor levels of indignation.

The first level: "hate." Generally this is how our enemies feel about us constantly — and rightfully so. At this level, you should ask yourself: How can you alleviate their anger? And, what have you done to cause it? It's really up to you and your own innate prejudices.

The next level: "fury." This means you've really pissed some people off. Once we hit this level, a mass apology written by all airline passengers must be sent to the offended group. A small gift might be a nice touch.

The final level: "rage." This is a serious stage — one that could have been avoided if you only had disavowed your stupid country and/or silly religion earlier. Grounding of flights (to be replaced by a large scale encounter group) is recommended. Deepak Chopra should handle all negotiations. It's worth it, just to see him in the caftan.

Finally, if an actual human-caused disaster occurs, simply remember that it's your fault. Then pick up Chopra's "The Magic of Healing" CD. It's only $24.95 and possesses "the ancient principles of healing sounds."

It goes great with a bubble bath.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com