Thank God for President Obama
{{#rendered}} {{/rendered}}
Today, I was walking down Sixth Avenue when I saw a homeless person. Now, normally I'd kick him, but for some reason instead I gave him all my money.
I don't know why, but I'm thinking: Obama.
And just the other day, I was in my white van playing homemade "ice cream truck" music out of a makeshift speaker, when I thought: A week after the inauguration, with "such a feeling of hope in the air for our country" (as Ashlee Simpson points out), it's clear that what I'm doing is wrong. I should be helping teens — not helping myself to teens.
{{#rendered}} {{/rendered}}
Right there, I changed.
I credit Obama.
And, boy did I used to hate America. It made me a jerk. I screamed at waiters and assistants — I even threw a cucumber at my pool boy. We buried him in a thong made from his country's flag.
{{#rendered}} {{/rendered}}
But now, I'm just like Ashley Judd, who, at a birthday bash for the National Abortion Rights League — isn't it funny when an abortion rights group celebrates a birthday? — said, "It's so nice to live in America again."
Anyway, Judd's right: If it wasn't for Obama, America would suck. Especially for celebrities, whose view of our country is so dependent on the charm of the man in charge.
I guess the strength of our country isn't based on its democratic process, its shining example of freedom or its relentless desire to help other countries.
{{#rendered}} {{/rendered}}
No, it's Obama.
It's because of him, I'm now taking yoga — nude.
And if you disagree with it, then you sir are worse than Hitler.
{{#rendered}} {{/rendered}}
Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com