Thank God for President Obama

Today, I was walking down Sixth Avenue when I saw a homeless person. Now, normally I'd kick him, but for some reason instead I gave him all my money.

I don't know why, but I'm thinking: Obama.

And just the other day, I was in my white van playing homemade "ice cream truck" music out of a makeshift speaker, when I thought: A week after the inauguration, with "such a feeling of hope in the air for our country" (as Ashlee Simpson points out), it's clear that what I'm doing is wrong. I should be helping teens — not helping myself to teens.

Right there, I changed.

I credit Obama.

And, boy did I used to hate America. It made me a jerk. I screamed at waiters and assistants — I even threw a cucumber at my pool boy. We buried him in a thong made from his country's flag.

But now, I'm just like Ashley Judd, who, at a birthday bash for the National Abortion Rights League — isn't it funny when an abortion rights group celebrates a birthday? — said, "It's so nice to live in America again."

Anyway, Judd's right: If it wasn't for Obama, America would suck. Especially for celebrities, whose view of our country is so dependent on the charm of the man in charge.

I guess the strength of our country isn't based on its democratic process, its shining example of freedom or its relentless desire to help other countries.

No, it's Obama.

It's because of him, I'm now taking yoga — nude.

And if you disagree with it, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com