Reality Check: What Goes Out, Must Come In on 'The Hills'

Audrina Patridge is out of the house, Heidi Montag is out of a job and Whitney Port is out of her shell on “The Hills.”

The once shy responsible blonde has suddenly morphed into a drunk maneater just in time for her new creatively titled show “The City” … what a coincidence. This week’s “Hills” episode was more of a trailer for the spinoff than anything else, and suffice it to say Whitney seems to be setting herself up for a life change that is anything but dull.

But rather than be exciting the whole thing felt kind of wrong. Watching Whitney get after it is like watching your little sister makeout at a bar – awkwarrrrrd — and not just because we were reminded that she’s only 23.

She giggles at everything that isn’t funny, she considers buying a shot for someone “the most forward thing” she’s ever done, and she is unable to detect sarcasm no matter how obvious:

Jay: I’m from Austreyliah.
Whitney: I could tell.
Jay: How?!!
Whitney: (matter-of-factly) By the accent.

Pretty sure he knew that Whit… that was the point.

She is also unable to realize that guys in New York that look like Jay often are the same ones who live in a cardboard box. The girl is surrounded by male models and she goes home with a dude who probably hasn’t showered in a month. Isn’t one JustinBobby enough?

And how is it that little miss “I can’t be that forward” had no problem finding the nerve to completely blow-off a perfectly “nice” guy. Sure Alex was a mute, probably with a social disorder, but the guy’s still a model with model friends. The least Whitney could have done was say goodbye … and then pawn him and his cute friends off on Lauren Conrad.

Instead L.C. got stuck with some guy in a hot pink shirt and Alex got stuck some redhead who seemed to be bursting with joy at his misfortune … or maybe she was just laughing at his spray tan.

Either way, Whitney definitely showed a different side tonight, and while she seems perfectly content, I’m not so sure I am.

This puts me right in line with Heidi Montag, who couldn’t be more miserable now that she lost her fake job at Bolthouse. Though being unemployed hasn’t inspired her to budget her makeup expenses at all. Her plans for the day involve updating her resume in her living room, why does that require an entire tube’s worth of mascara?

And why is she so upset anyway? Considering she makes $65,000 an episode for “The Hills” I’m sure whatever they paid her is pocket change comparatively. Then again, now she’ll have to spend the entire day with Spencer … I’d beg for my job back ASAP.

Which might have been her plan when she finally agreed to go out with Spencer that night. Poor Spence thought they were “celebrating” her unemployment. But the rest of us know that no one celebrates something like that … except Spence. And do we really think they coincidentally ended up at Bolthouse’s latest launch event? I think not.

I’d say Heidi, or more likely “Hills” producers, carefully crafted the whole thing, knowing that if Spencer saw Heidi’s boss there’s no way he’d ever keep his mouth shut.

Either way I’m grateful. When else are we going to see as fulfilling a dressing down as we saw when Brent made Spencer go speechless? And then he follows it with a “Heidi, your boyfriend’s a nightmare.” It was almost as amazing as the houndstooth fedora he inspired me to buy.

But Heidi should also be grateful as somehow, somewhere in there Brent agreed to find her another job with his partner, Sam.

So next week, Heidi's back in the workforce, Audrina's in real estate heaven and Holly's back in the picture. But with Holly living with Lauren and Heidi working with Sam, looks like Spencer could be the next one out.