Paranoid? You're Not Alone

So a new study claims that a third of the population experiences paranoia. The other two-thirds? They probably planned the whole thing.

Researchers placed people in a computer-generated subway ride, interacting with virtual passengers. Even though these were fake characters, 40 percent felt excessive anxiety around them.

Now — I'm not surprised. I've always been paranoid over the fact that there are a lot of paranoid people on this planet. Seriously — we're all victims of a larger conspiracy, one engineered by paranoid people bent on making us more paranoid than we already are.

And who are these conspirators? Well, they're anyone who needs to appear smarter than you. That's the point of conspiracy — that I know something that you don't. You see this most often in the broken minds of aging dopes like Gore Vidal and Sean Penn.

Is it no wonder that almost all conspiracy nuts are progressives — they combine a pessimistic suspicion towards corporations with a desire for bureaucracy that fuels paranoid delusional thinking.

What was I saying? Oh yeah — you're all too stupid to see what I see. And, because I am so much smarter than everyone else, I happen to know who is running the whole thing: It's Estelle Getty, star of "The Golden Girls."

More important: Instead of building virtual subways, why don't these researchers build virtual strip clubs? You can't get herpes from a hologram — trust me.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com