Larry the Cable Guy Brings Comedy to 'Hannity'

This is a rush transcript from "Hannity," January 29, 2010. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DANIEL "LARRY THE CABLE GUY" WHITNEY, COMEDIAN: I like to drink when I fish. Like to drink when you fish? Of course you do. Why the hell go fishing? But don't get so drunk you don't know what you're doing out there when you're fishing. We were fishing the other day. I get hammered. I'm like, "I got to take a leak." So I start peeing in the lake, realized I was in a fish tank up in the Red Lobster.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank God they put rubber bands on them lobsters pinchers, I'll tell you that much.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

HANNITY: All right. That was a scene from "Larry the Cable Guy Tailgate Party," which debuts this Sunday night at 9 p.m. You're laughing already at our own jokes. The show was filmed in front of over 50,000 people in Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, Nebraska. Get this: it is believed to be the largest comedy show in history.

And joining me now to talk about the huge event and, much more, the man himself, get 'er done, Larry, how are you?

• Watch Sean's interview

WHITNEY: I believe it was the largest taped comedy performance in history, stand-up.

HANNITY: It was?

WHITNEY: Yes, it was.

HANNITY: I'm not surprised.

WHITNEY: Solo, that's right.

HANNITY: Just you?

WHITNEY: Just me.

HANNITY: You've been at our Freedom Concert, you were — you knocked the house down.

WHITNEY: It was awesome.

HANNITY: Following you is was hard to do.

WHITNEY: Well, I had to follow Newt. That was some funny stuff. You got done doing that, and you know, Newt gives this really serious speech, you know. And I go up after him, I was walking up. I go, "Hey, Newt, funny stuff. Good job. You knocked 'em dead." He kind of looked at me like what?

HANNITY: Well, it's a little different tone. By the way, is everything all right in your business? The economy is really slow.

WHITNEY: Well, I'll tell you, it's bad here in New York. I don't get here much. But I seen a prostitute outside with a sign that said, "No payments until 2011." Good night, Sean, you guys have got to do something.

(LAUGHTER)

HANNITY: I know, it's a problem in New York. You're not kidding.

WHITNEY: And since I got on the TV here and all my friends are watching, I got to admit something to you and everybody else. I'm not proud of it. I've been sleeping with members of my staff.

HANNITY: What?

WHITNEY: Yes. And what's worse that that is, I'm self-employed.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you. Can I do two segments? This is good.

HANNITY: I think this is good. All right, I've got to — before we get to some serious stuff — and by the way, I didn't see the movie yet, but I'm going to take this home. I'm going to watch it tonight.

WHITNEY: It's awesome. That DVD is great. I'm going to tell you, 53,000 people. I was about as nervous as you can get. But that thing...

HANNITY: You weren't nervous?

WHITNEY: I was nervous.

HANNITY: Really?

WHITNEY: Oh, yes. But that thing went smooth. The sound was good. I thought, as a one liner-timing comedian, I was going to get thrown by the big crowd, but it was awesome. That's a good special right there.

HANNITY: Now, who...

WHITNEY: Comedy Central, Sunday night at 9 p.m.

HANNITY: Sunday night at 9 p.m.

WHITNEY: It doesn't interfere with any of your stuff.

HANNITY: Well, it actually does. "Hannity" is in a repeat on Sunday night at 9. But it is.

WHITNEY: Here, do this: TiVo "Hannity."

(LAUGHTER)

HANNITY: TiVo Larry.

All right, let me ask you this. I want to ask you a serious question, because health care is really taking over the country. I mean, it's a big deal. They want to nationalize health care. I mean...

WHITNEY: Well, look, it's crazy. Why would you want to — you know, you got 75-something percent of the people enjoy what they got. What do you want to wreck that for them? Why don't you just take care of the ones that don't have it? You know what I mean? And not wreck it for the people that enjoy what they have.

HANNITY: Common sense.

WHITNEY: It doesn't make any sense.

But let me just say this about the doctor. I kind of get irritated at the doctor anyway. Because you spend all this money and sometimes you don't feel any better. You know, I thought I had — I went to the doctor. I thought I had chronic fatigue syndrome. I spent $3,500.

HANNITY: Whoa.

WHITNEY: Turns out I'm just lazy.

(LAUGHTER)

You believe that?

HANNITY: I can't believe it.

WHITNEY: And then I had stomach problems, and I go in there and go, "My stomach's killing me."

He goes, "Well, don't eat nothing all day and drink this."

And I go how much is it? He goes, "$500, it will clean out your system."

(LAUGHTER)

Five hundred dollars to clean out my system? I can do that with a corn dog and a Mountain Dew for God's sakes. What's that, a buck 20 up at the fair?

HANNITY: You go to the 7-Eleven. It's cheaper.

WHITNEY: Yes. And then I'm sitting in there, waiting on the doctor to come in. And there's a magazine, they have a thing, Hemorrhoids Awareness Week. I'm not kidding. They've got a Hemorrhoids Awareness Week.

HANNITY: I never heard of that.

WHITNEY: And I'm thinking, let me tell you something, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm pretty sure you're aware of it.

HANNITY: I think you know.

WHITNEY: What's that cantaloupe doing hanging out your behind there? What's going on?

HANNITY: Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

WHITNEY: I think there's something wrong with him. He's got to get to the doctor.

HANNITY: I think so.

WHITNEY: You know, it's crazy. And I'll tell you what else I don't like about going to the doctor. You got to sit in the waiting room next to some dirt bag who's got some weird disease...

HANNITY: I know.

WHITNEY: ... and they're coughing everywhere.

HANNITY: Spitting all over you

WHITNEY: They're your best friend in 40 minutes. You're sitting down there like (COUGHING).

"How are you doing? I'm Ricky?"

What in the world? You're getting leprosy on everybody.

HANNITY: That's true. Now, I've got to ask you, because you're always into politics. Last time you were here, I talked to you about Al Gore.

WHITNEY: And I'm the one you want to come to for politics.

HANNITY: Honestly, we need some comedy relief.

WHITNEY: Got to be honest, couldn't get worse than what we've got.

HANNITY: We couldn't, right? It's pretty bad. All right. So you're talking about Al Gore and global warming.

WHITNEY: Yes, I got to be honest with you. Global warming. That's — what a farce that's turned out to be. Now, I was just up in Canada — Canada. Global warming?

You know, I had a polar bear beg me to shoot it in head it was so cold up there. I'm not kidding.

Anyway, that's what I told the cops.

(LAUGHTER)

HANNITY: Oh!

WHITNEY: No, but global warming and this Al Gore, I mean, you know, he's like the CO2 level. It's like come on, Al. I don't know what the CO2 level is, but the B.S. level is getting pretty high. I know that.

HANNITY: The hot air.

WHITNEY: Have you seen him lately? Global warming hasn't melted his ice cream any. He's blowing up like a tick on Dracula, Al Gore is. He needs to sweat a little bit.

HANNITY: What do you — what do you...

WHITNEY: And here's another thing. They discount — nobody ever says anything about the sun. It's our fault they got global warming, but they discount the sun.

HANNITY: Blame the sun?

WHITNEY: Yes. I mean, you've got this big ball of fire in the sky. But yes, that has nothing to do with it. It's humans that are doing it. You know, that's like sitting at a bonfire and somebody lighting a cigarette and somebody else going, "Put out that cigarette. It's getting hot in here." You know what I mean? It didn't make any sense.

HANNITY: It makes no sense.

WHITNEY: And Al Gore, how did all the ice melt, Sean? We've had, what, four ice ages alone?

HANNITY: Yes, four.

WHITNEY: Once the whole world was covered in ice.

HANNITY: Yes.

WHITNEY: I mean, was the dinosaurs driving SUVs and stuff around back then?

HANNITY: I don't think so.

WHITNEY: It makes no sense.

HANNITY: It doesn't. Who do you dislike more, Al Gore or Nancy Pelosi?

WHITNEY: You know what? Let me just say this. I don't dislike anybody, Sean. I'm a nice guy. I like everybody. I really do. We're all human beings, and I like everybody. I don't like their policies, and I don't like what they're shoving down our throat.

Al Gore's personal wealth has gone from, what, three million to 93 million...

HANNITY: Pretty much. Yes.

WHITNEY: ... in the last three years. I mean, put two and two together on that whole deal.

So I'm sure he's a nice guy personally. I've never met him. But you got to follow the money trail on some of this. It's ridiculous after a while.

And I don't know Pelosi either. But somebody sent me an e-mail the other day, and it said "Nancy Pelosi naked."

(LAUGHTER)

HANNITY: Oh!

WHITNEY: It was unbelievable.

HANNITY: Everything good with the wife and kids? Now that — now that I've got to deal with this.

WHITNEY: The wife and kids are good. And I'm going to tell you, my little boy was laying in bed the other day — you just want your kids to grow up good. You just want them to grow up good.

And he was in the bed the other day, and he was saying to his sister, we heard him on his little monitor. He was like, "Regan, do you love Jesus? I love Jesus. Regan, I love Jesus."

I'm thinking, "Ah, that's cool. My little boy's talking about the Lord," you know. And then I was listening closer, and I realized he was saying, "I love Cheez-Its."

(LAUGHTER)

Great. I went from here to there, real quick.

I've got to say this. I bought him a swing set for Christmas, him and my little girl, and there was like 1,000 pieces. And I didn't want to put it together. So what I did was I gave both of them an Ambien before they went to bed, and I fell asleep. They woke up in the middle of the night and put it together themselves. It was unbelievable.

(LAUGHTER)

You ever take one of them Ambiens? It gives you a lot of energy.

HANNITY: "Tailgate Party," Larry the Cable Guy. Thank you, Larry. Good to see you.

WHITNEY: Sunday night, 9 p.m. DVD comes out Tuesday. Hilarious special, you'll love it.

HANNITY: Fifty-plus thousand people showed up.

— Watch "Hannity" weeknights at 9 p.m. ET!

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