Dennis Miller on Paris’ Prison Problem

This is a partial transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," May 9, 2007, that has been edited for clarity.

Watch "The O'Reilly Factor" weeknights at 8 p.m. and 11 p.m. ET and listen to the "Radio Factor!"

BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: our intrepid analyst who's hosting a three-hour daily radio program for Westwood One has been thinking about the American-Muslim situation we covered last night and the incarceration of his great pal Paris Hilton for disrespecting the law.

Mr. Miller joins us now from California, where he has some opening remarks for us.

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, Bill, I'm steaming tonight. I'm just watching FOX, and I see O.J. playing the race card again about this incident in Kentucky over the weekend. Evidently, when he flew into the Cincinnati airport for the Derby he was greeted at the airport by cries of "murderer, murderer." He thought he was being heckled. Turns out it was just his limo driver trying to hook up with him.

O'REILLY: I thought you were going to say it was the page system at the airport. All right. We got O.J. out. We slapped him around.

Now, you are my window to the world of dopey kids, because you have two boys who are teenagers. Do they, No. 1, care about Paris Hilton going to jail at all?

MILLER: Let's see. First off, my kids are — I've taught them to not be dopey. And I would say this: If there's anything to be learned about the Paris situation, or as I'm calling it, the "Shawskank Redemption," I would say that I think this is a godsend for parents.

I mean, very infrequently do you get the whole package in one person. We've got venal, vacuous, venomous. I think that there's around five life lessons you can learn from Paris Hilton.

I've got 13- and 16-year-old boys. I'm sure they're probably hot for her on one level. But whenever she's on the air, I point out to them that this is not how you want to be as a human being. To me she's a one-stop shopping thing for life lessons.

And people, if their kids look up to Paris Hilton, that's on the parent. Because they should be able to use her as a symbol of everything you should strive to not be as an adult. That's a godsend.

O'REILLY: But what do your kids say to you when — you know, when I use the term dopey kids, don't give me any of that. I was the dopiest kid in the world, and you were probably just a cut above me and you know it. And all kids are dopey. That's part of their job definition to be kids.

But what do they say to you when you say, look, when you give them the alliteration, because I'm sure your kids are very well-spoken, and you ran off six Vs in a row: venal, vacuous. And when you say that, they say what?

MILLER: They say that they're shocked that adults spend that much time on worrying about Paris Hilton's impact on them. I don't have girls. I don't have girls so I can't speak to that, Bill. That might be a separate issue. I don't have any daughters.

But my kids look at it and laugh. I said to my kid, "They're going to send her to jail for 45 days. What do you think?" He said, "It could be worse. They could sentence her to 45 days in a Hilton."

And you know something? If there's any justice in the universe when she gets in there, they'll make her make vanity license plates. I saw her lawyer release a statement this afternoon when he was doing the yada, yada, yada thing, and I said to my wife, you know, to ascribe "yada, yada, yada" to Paris Hilton is to say that she's unduly well-spoken. Yada, yada, yada is something she would aspire to.

O'REILLY: Whatever, Miller. Whatever. OK, so your kids basically, they don't care. It's not in their orbit. It doesn't affect them. It's interesting because...

MILLER: I think they think she's hot.

O'REILLY: Well, OK, but you know, we want to evolve a little bit past that somewhere down the line. Maybe when they're 30.

MILLER: Not at 13- and 16-year-old boys.

O'REILLY: No.

MILLER: That's where the bread is buttered.

O'REILLY: Going back to the dopey again. OK? All right. Now last night on this program we had two Muslim-Americans, very well spoken, very intelligent. We were talking about them putting the little footbaths in the Kansas City airport. College in Minneapolis wants little footbaths, and they want prayer rugs. And then a high school in New York is going to be the Khalil Gibran Academy. And what say you?

MILLER: Listen, enough is what I say. It's this sort of laissez-faire attitude that we have that is getting us in trouble. We're emboldening these people. All right?

They are the high-strung, unstrung. If there's one thing I hate more than a terrorist, it's a whiny terrorist. And the fact is that, by doing this stuff, we set ourselves up for something like Fort Dix where six local kids think we're asleep at the switch. This isn't Va-Tech where there's a no-gun zone.

You're talking about an army base. And they're thinking these people are so asleep at the switch we'll get some AK-47s and take them head on. You know, we have to make this a show trial. Now listen, most of the time somebody plots something like this, I'm prone to the death penalty. But I think these kids want to die. So let's give them life, and we should pump Jackie Mason's act into their cell for the rest of their lives. We've got to put our foot down here, man.

O'REILLY: OK. There a difference between the jihadists, who obviously are criminals and good Muslims, who say, listen, we deserve a courtesy. We deserve our foot wash. We deserve our prayer rugs. If we're driving a cab and you have, you know, a bottle of wine we're not going to take you. They're not terrorists. They're just asking for courtesies. Is there anything wrong with that?

MILLER: Bill, I know you got to play devil's advocate here. But you know something? I'm bored by all that stuff. Everybody's got to fit it in. I've got certain things I do at home. I like to walk around in my undies in the morning. I try that out on the streets they're going to put me away.

Everybody's got to try to fit into the collective a little here. And all this bringing your little specialties into the overview is starting to get real boring with me. If you're a cabdriver, drive the guy who has hailed you at some point.

These six kids in New Jersey now are going to use the legal system, no doubt, to sue the state of New Jersey that said they didn't have jihad on their mind until Gov. McGreevey came out and said he was a homosexual and they were so traumatized that they now want to file a civil lawsuit against the state. Enough is enough. This has gone mad.

O'REILLY: All right. I think you're right on the enough is enough. And I think the point about, look, you're here, this is our country. Fit in. You want to wash your feet, do it at home like everyone else, except...

MILLER: Amen. The last ten cab rides I've had in New York the guy hadn't washed anything.

O'REILLY: Dennis Miller, everybody. Don't hold me responsible. See you next Wednesday, Dennis.

MILLER: All right.

Copy: Content and Programming Copyright 2007 FOX News Network, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Transcription Copyright 2007 Voxant, Inc. (www.voxant.com), which takes sole responsibility for the accuracy of the transcription. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No license is granted to the user of this material except for the user's personal or internal use and, in such case, only one copy may be printed, nor shall user use any material for commercial purposes or in any fashion that may infringe upon FOX News Network, LLC'S and Voxant, Inc.'s copyrights or other proprietary rights or interests in the material. This is not a legal transcript for purposes of litigation.