Clothes Call

Oh, Monique. It was sad enough that you didn't make it to the semi-finals on "Dancing with the Stars." But the fact that you had to lose while wearing potentially the most heinous yellow-green short pantsuit in creation really added insult to injury.

I know you're not wholly responsible for your costumes. I remember the episode where we got all the details about how each outfit is hand-sewn specifically for every last dance. So there could be a reason for it.

Maybe a case of temporary blindness swept through the wardrobe department. Or maybe somebody in that department had it in for you — after all, the competition is getting pretty fierce. Then again, it's possible that I'm the only person on earth who doesn't get that said pantsuit festooned with a thick silver belt over a silver hoochie bra is actually both fashionable and attractive.

Of course, Monique isn't the only reality star to make a disturbing sartorial statement. On "Top Model" this week, we were treated to one of those mid-season (previously unaired footage plus the old crap) specials, so we got to familiarize ourselves yet again with a pair of hats that should never have been televised in the first place.

What's there to say about Melrose's purple-pink beret besides the fact that it's atrocious? Even her most brutal enemy — and there seem to be so many, I'd be hard pressed to come up with who that actually might be — would have to admit that the girl is gorgeous and rises to those challenges faster than Jay Manuel rushes to a tanning bed. Her clothing — which, we've learned, is for the most part, handmade — is consistently adorable. But then there's that inexplicable hat — not to mention that patched-up ski cap Janice Dickinson mocked A.J. for sporting. In my opinion, both need to be sent far, far away — like as far from civilization as Naima's modeling career.

And, look, I get that the "Survivor" folks are supposed to pimp the hell out of those "Survivor" buffs. And I'm all for women showing off their bodies. But does anyone actually support the idea of a bandana being used as a skirt — a look modeled this week both by Candice and the just-ousted Jessica?

Even though there's surely no better time to wear a headpiece as a leg covering than when you're dropping pounds and gaining a tan, I'm not sure what purpose the buff-as-skirt serves besides distracting the straight "Survivor" boys — when it doesn't actually cover anything.

Then again, who am I to judge? I, too, might make wacky clothing choices if I were forced to dance for eight hours a day, live with a slew of bony, catty women, or had to survive on a steady diet of coconut juice and bird entrails.

Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting magazines and wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor. She’s done celebrity cover stories, first-person essays and reported pieces for The L.A. Times, Vanity Fair, Cosmo, People, Us Weekly, Redbook, Self, Details, Stuff, TV Guide, Women’s Health, Ocean Drive, Vegas, The Saturday Telegraph, Esquire UK, Teen Vogue, Variety, The New York Post, LA Confidential, Distinction, Calabasas, Tatler (Hong Kong), King, Fade In, Emmy and Maxim, among others.