But I Really Want to … Act

I don’t want to be anything like my Great Aunt Cyrene who, although insane and quite old at the time, informed me when I was about 4 that the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus don't exist. Still, there’s something you should know:

Sometimes people on reality shows are acting.

The most obvious actors have to be on "Dancing with the Stars." On Tuesday night’s show, Mario, Monique and Emmit all managed to look like they were lying through their teeth when they claimed to be happy with their scores.

But I’m willing to cut them a break — after all, acting can’t be easy when you’re still trying to catch your breath.

Mainly I’m talking about you, Mary and Dave. I know that you guys have managed to stay in "The Amazing Race" long past your due date primarily because of your Kentucky accents and adorable, down-home manners.

But I swear, those accents are getting stronger every week, and now I’m beginning to suspect that you’re just throwing crazy non sequiturs out there which you assume (rightly so) will make you sound just like that loveable Southern coal miner and wife we’ve come to know and love.

Exhibit A: When you’re informed that you’re going to be swimming, Mary, you announce that you’re afraid of fish (not sharks — fish), after which Dave explains that he’s scarred by having been tossed in a lake by his cousin when he was 5.

Look, I’m not saying that it’s all a ruse and Mary and Dave secretly go diving at midnight among a sea of guppies and dolphins, I just think they’re playing the “gee, shucks” Southern thing a little much.

But what do I know? They managed to time their last-place arrival with yet another non-elimination round, so they’re around for another week, despite the fact that they were all but lollygagging toward the pit stop this time.

And then we get to "The Bachelor," and that means you, Prince Lorenzo. You’ve brought Agnese, the sweet Italian girl who speaks barely a lick of English, this far — you knew what you were doing.

You had what appeared to be the most romantic date two people could experience and bonded with her lovely family, who ended the evening by dancing in the kitchen. And then you tell her to get lost.

And that’s not even the part I have a problem with — oh, no. It’s that when you were consoling her over the fact that you were rejecting her for a woman whose own family seemed to be mocking her five-year wedding-and-children plan, you started shedding tears of your own because it was so hard to say goodbye.

I’m not saying you weren’t sad — anyone would have felt pretty bad seeing that pretty girl cry the way she did.

But when some of us cry, we don’t tend to announce that we’re crying, keep the tears on our face without wiping them away and sniffle profusely when the moment’s over and we haven’t cried in a good few minutes — all of which you did as well as an average soap star.

In other words, you made your bed, man — so, why don’t you go lie in it with that Bridezilla-to-be and stop trying to come off as the sweet, sensitive guy?

Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting magazines and wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor. She’s done celebrity cover stories, first-person essays and reported pieces for The L.A. Times, Vanity Fair, Cosmo, People, Us Weekly, Redbook, Self, Details, Stuff, TV Guide, Women’s Health, Ocean Drive, Vegas, The Saturday Telegraph, Esquire UK, Teen Vogue, Variety, The New York Post, LA Confidential, Distinction, Calabasas, Tatler (Hong Kong), King, Fade In, Emmy and Maxim, among others.