Barack Obama, the Ultimate Wingman

So the inauguration is two months away, but hotels in D.C. are already full. Some say four million people will show up and that's not including celebrities like Beyonce, Jimmy Smits and Urkel.

So if you're a single guy who can't find a place to stay, what do you do?

It's simple: The real purpose of this mass gathering is not to witness history, but to pick up co-eds.

The fact is there has never been a better wingman on the planet than Obama. With his amazing ability to unify everyone under a feel-good notion that you're totally awesome and everything's going to be fine, he's like a human version of an ecstasy pill.

If you're for Obama, suddenly making out with someone else who's for Obama is totally OK! Which is why, when Obama talks about change, he's really saying: "Let's change... into something more comfortable."

To nubile college co-eds especially, simply saying you're there as part of the "advance team of volunteers" is enough to get you to first, maybe even second base. If you add that you're assisting the contingent of "Homeless Crack Babies for Change," I'd even bet fifth base.

So, screw those hotels. Just pick any chick in a college sweatshirt and you've got a dorm room to yourself.

However, if this doesn't work out, I will offer "Greg's Special Inauguration Package." For just $39.95 a night, you can stay in my humble abode with me while we watch the event together in bed. True, you will miss out on the landmarks and those delightful reflecting pools, but that's OK. I have a Slip 'n Slide in the basement… and it doesn't run on water.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com