Two ugly truths I learned about myself while teaching my three teens to drive

Learning to drive a car. Driving school. Driver education. (iStock)

I have three teenage children – an 18-year-old and two 16-year-old twins, and they’re all learning to drive right at the same time.

They took Driver’s Ed, but guess who has to take each of them out for driving experience day after day after day?

That’s right – me.

And while they’re learning to drive, I had to swallow two very unpleasant truths about myself.

First, I’m a lousy driver.

Second, I’m a total hypocrite.

Let me explain.

Safe driving consists of placing your hands in the 10 and 2 o’clock position, permitting yourself no distractions, and driving courteously and confidently, obeying all traffic rules, and generally being a credit to your community.

Teaching my kids to drive has taught me that I am none of those things.

Another important part of parenting is never giving your kids the message, “Do as I say, not as I do.”

Let’s tell the truth.

If my kids are going to be safe drivers, it’s because they will ignore everything that they have unconsciously learned about operating a motor vehicle from their less-than-admirable driver of a dad.

I get some things right. I don’t do rolling stops. I don’t tailgate. But that’s about it.

Somewhere along the line, my hands slipped from the 10 and 2 o’clock position to the point where I’m basically driving with one hand, which is perched somewhere around, say, 7 o’clock.

Of course I can only drive with one hand. I need the other hand for my phone.

I may not be actually typing text in traffic, but that’s about the extent of my safety regiment. I have no problem dictating texts, talking on the phone, or even asking Siri how the Red Sox did last night.

How could I have my hands in the 10 and 2 o’clock position if I’ve got to accomplish all that with my iPhone? Forget about it.

And then there’s the horn.

Don’t ask me why, but those silly Driver’s Ed teachers seem to think that a horn is only for alerting other drivers to potential danger situations, and that a simple and brief tap is sufficient.

I use my horn like a foghorn, alerting other drivers to the fact that no matter what’s happening, I am certain that I have the right of way, and that whatever they are doing is dead wrong.

If a driver does something that displeases me, my horn becomes an educational tool, the means by which I inform other drivers of their utter incompetence behind the wheel, hoping to guide them to identify and correct the errors of their ways.

You could think of me as America’s Driving Teacher.

My kids learned hand signals in Driver’s Ed – the ones that are supposed to be used by bicyclists and the ones that drivers are supposed to use in the event that, for whatever reason, their turning signals fail (how would you even know that they did?).

There’s one hand signal I regret to admit that, upon occasion, I use, when I need to convey to another driver the depth of my displeasure with his (or, yes, her) actions.

Kids, don’t do that.

And then bicyclists – don’t get me started. If a bicyclist cuts into “my” lane, my face turns red, and steam pours out of my ears, like in an old Looney Tunes cartoon. Of course, the thought never enters my mind that the lane belongs to the bicyclists, too. All I know is, they’re in my way, and I want to go faster.

As for speed… I’m pretty good on local streets, but as an American, I believe I am constitutionally endowed with the right to do 15-20 miles over the speed limit without getting pulled over.

In short, for my three kids, learning to drive means unlearning all the bad habits they’ve seen Dad display from the time they were first strapped into a car seat.

I think I’m doing a good job as a parental driving instructor, in that my kids drive responsibly and within the law, at least when I’m in the car to watch.

I can’t wait until they’re all comfortable, confident drivers who don’t need my time and attention sitting in the passenger seat, observing every move.

I enjoy being with them, and we haven’t had any truly life-threatening moments.

It’s just awfully hard to come to grips with just what a lousy driver – and a hypocrite – I’ve become.

So kids, if you’re reading this, just remember the one rule of driving.

Do as your father says.

Not as he does.