TUCKER CARLSON: Who exactly works for Joe Biden?

Tonight, we're going to start with a confession. For all the time that we spend yapping about the Biden White House and have for the past two years, it's striking how little we really know about what goes on there. Who exactly works for Joe Biden? What do they do all day? What stage of gender transition are they in? 

Those are all fair and necessary questions. So tonight, in attempt to answer them, we'd like to roll out the first installment in a regular educational feature we're calling "Who runs your government?" Tonight's focus: Sam Brinton. 

Sam Brinton is one of the people who runs your government. Brinton is a senior official at the Department of Energy. His job is to oversee this country's nuclear waste disposal. Brinton makes sure that spent fuel rods are safely stored. That's a bigger responsibility than you might know. Most people assume that once a rod is spent, you can ignore it and move on to something else. Maybe take your dog to the park, but that's not true. 

The spent rods are often the hardest to deal with and Sam Brinton is an expert on this topic, but that's not all he is. Brinton is also nonbinary, gender fluid and possibly two-spirit. That's his real superpower and it's why Joe Biden hired him for such a sensitive job. Here's Brinton in 2019 in a clip the White House Personnel Office clearly reviewed before bringing him aboard. 

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SAM BRINTON: I am Sam Brinton and I serve as head of advocacy and government affairs for the Trevor Project. I find freedom to be a beautiful concept. Many of my friends say that sometimes I'm a little too free. I tend to be myself. The power of freedom is that ability to be oneself isn't necessarily hindered, but is rather celebrated. I'm a gender-fluid individual who walks the halls of Congress. Talk about the power of being free every day to hear my stilettos clicking on those marble floors, and yet know that I deserve to be in that room just as much as anybody else.  

Now, traditionally, there haven't been a lot of guys at the Energy Department whose stilettos click on marble floors. So, from the beginning, you knew that San Brinton's portfolio would extend far beyond nuclear waste and indeed it does. When there's a crisis in the Biden White House, Sam Brinton is the man/woman they turned to.  

On September 16 of this year, there was a crisis in the White House. Ron DeSantis had just airlifted a group of illegal aliens from Latin America onto the idyllic Massachusetts island of Martha's Vineyard. The problem for the Biden administration was pretty obvious. How do you publicly support open borders without offending your own high dollar donors, many of whom vacation on Martha's Vineyard and don't want to share their beaches with Brazilians who have only high school degrees? That's a tough one, but Sam Brinton had a plan.  

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Like the OSS in wartime France, he sketched out a complex diversionary operation designed to rescue the White House from this disaster. Brinton traveled incognito to the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, and he headed for the baggage claim. There he found the enemy's Achilles heel. He found a $2,000 roller bag unguarded and stuffed with fashionable women's clothing. 

With maximum stealth, Sam Brinton then flew the clothes back to HQ in Washington and added them to his own wardrobe. The operation was a success. Sam Brinton's spunky new outfit sent shockwaves through the patriarchy. Clicking in high heels were one thing, but a sequined taffeta halter top? There was no stopping him or the administration he worked for. With his new clothes, Brinton flew to Los Angeles, where he headlined a seminar on his two areas of demonstrated expertise: the hard sciences and sexual bondage.  

The seminar was called "Spanking from Calculus to Chemistry" and it promised to explain why, "physics is a pivotal part of the kink experience." Brinton's alma mater, M.I.T., was deeply impressed. The school posted a glowing profile of its kink-savvy graduate on its website, complete with a picture of Sam Brinton wearing clothes that appeared to be taken from the roller bag at the Minneapolis airport. Sam Brinton, declared M.I.T., which is a university, saves the world. 

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Unfortunately, local police had a different view of Sam Brinton. As it turns out, there are surveillance cameras in the Minneapolis airport and those cameras captured Brinton removing the I.D. tags from the roller bag on the carousel. This was proof that it wasn't a mix-up. Sam Brinton stole some lady’s dresses and underwear and then traveled around the country wearing them. That's a crime, even in 2022.

 Police arrested Brinton and they charged him with felony theft. Going forward, at some point, it looks like somebody else is going to have to deal with America's spent fuel rods. Thankfully, the White House already has a candidate in mind. That would be Dylan Mulvaney, TikTok star and adviser to the president of the United States. Department of Energy, meet your latest nuclear waste engineer.  

DYLAN MULVANEY: It's my first winter season as a woman, and it's also the first winter that I have boobies. I especially love that I smell like vanilla cashmere. I mean, who wouldn't want their breasts to smell like vanilla cashmere? And just a reminder that people of all genders use tampons, not just women. I forgot that my crotch doesn't look like other women's crotches sometimes because mine doesn't look like a little Barbie pocket and we all just normalize women having bulges sometimes. 

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"All people use tampons, not just women," says Dylan Mulvaney. Now, we don't know if Dylan Mulvaney spelled that out in detail for the president of the United States when he and Biden met recently in the White House as they did, but we can tell you what Dylan Mulvaney has just said is science, pure 200-proof, make-your-eyes-water, scientific fact, the kind you want a shot of early in the morning after a rough night. No mixers, thanks.  

I'll take my science straight up and wipe my mouth on my sleeve and that's what it's like every day at the White House under Joe Biden, a raging, nonstop science party. As Ms. Karine Jean-Pierre explained to an awestruck press corps the other day, sometimes after his nap, Joe Biden will go ahead and meet with science people. That's how he relaxes, with top scientists. Watch.  

KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: Today, President Biden met with three U.S. winners of the 2022 Nobel Prize: Dr. Caroline Bertozzi, who won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry, Dr. John Clouser, who won the Nobel Prize in Physics and Dr. Douglas Diamond, who won the Nobel Prize in Economic Sciences. 

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Joe Biden met with not one, not two, but three winners of the Nobel Prize. Now, to be clear, it wasn't the Nobel Prize. The Nobel Prize is a trademarked brand. It's slightly different in the same way that that $12 handbag you bought on Canal Street wasn't, strictly speaking, made by Louis Vuitton, but whatever. It was a decent bag and you got a good price on it and it's the same with the Nobel Prize. It's not the Nobel Prize, but it is noble. It's a noble prize. That's how it got its name. Ask Karine Jean-Pierre. She knows.  

Now at this point, you may have concluded – this was not our intention, we're just reporting the facts here – but you may have decided, based on the evidence, that a lot of the people who run your government under Joe Biden are stupid and silly and have weird personal lives. And of course, that's true, but it's not the whole story.  

A lot of them are also megalomaniacs who have no idea how stupid and silly they are. So, for government employees in that category, Kamala Harris will always be an inspiration living proof that inflated self-esteem and an affair with Willie Brown can literally catapult you to the top and the trick here is endurance. No matter how embarrassing you may be, you just keep going. That's the lesson of Kamala and here she is in the Philippines just last week proving it. 

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KAMALA HARRIS: Thank you. Thank you. I'm so happy to see you. What a warm welcome. Are you going to keep dancing? Yes? Show me the dance. Show me the dance. 

"Dance, peasants, dance! Dance for me. Show me the dance." It works. That's the vice president of the United States commanding peasants to dance for er. It always works. 

It's working for Janet Yellen. Janet Yellen is Joe Biden's treasury secretary, but she's more than that. She has a past. If the American economy looks a little precarious right now, if you sense maybe we're headed for a fall in a big way, well, that's in part because of Janet Yellen and her thoroughly and completely irresponsible behavior as the chair of the Federal Reserve. 

Janet Yellen has personally done more than maybe any living American to bring our country steep inflation and yet another housing bubble which is apparently about to burst, taking a lot of our economy with it. Janet Yellen did that by printing tons of cheap money and then getting kickbacks in the form of speaking fees from the Wall Street banks. That happened, and you can look it up and find for yourself that it happened.

But here's the key. Janet Yellen has no intention of admitting that it happened and as a Biden White House official, she doesn't have to admit it. You know what she can do? She can blame the whole thing on you, peasant, and last night, she did. Watch. 

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JANET YELLEN: It turned out the pandemic had very special impacts on the economy. Remember, everybody stopped spending on services. They were in their homes for a year or more. They wanted to buy grills and office furniture. They were working from home. They suddenly started splurging on goods. 

Oh, they splurged on grills. It had nothing to do with the fact that I ran the Fed, which controls our money supply and therefore controls our economy at the deepest level and I printed so much money that it's not worth anything anymore and that's why our economy is about to blow up, but that's not what did it. 

You bought a grill. Next time. Don't do that. Dance, peasant. Dance.