Tucker Carlson: The Russia conspiracy is dead, but Democrats are too dumb to realize it

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Tucker: The Russia conspiracy is dead

Michael Cohen gave the final word on collusion between Russia and the Trump campaign during his testimony.

Let's start with the story of Mike the headless chicken. It sounds implausible, but it really happened, and it tells you something. It begins this way: One afternoon in the fall of 1945, a farmer in western Colorado called Lloyd Olson walked into the barnyard to get dinner. His wife said she wanted some chicken, so Olson found a five-month-old bird called Mike and then beheaded it with a hatchet.

But then a funny thing happened: Mike didn't die. In fact, Mike lived another full year and a half. He lived long enough to become a traveling sideshow attraction before he ultimately choked to death in a motel room in Phoenix. A sad story.

But the question is, how did Mike live for 18 months without a head? Well, scientists had a number of explanations for how he did it. But the real reason is simple. Mike had no idea he'd been killed, so he just kept going. Mike was too dumb to die.

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Something very similar just happened in the Russia investigation this week. For two years, we've been told that there was some form of collusion between the Russian government and the 2016 Trump campaign. Details were sketchy, so we paid for an independent counsel and a number of congressional investigations to find out exactly what happened.

Then last week, Democrats hit pay dirt. They produced the perfect witness, the one man in America who would know exactly what happened between the Trump campaign and Russia: Michael Cohen.

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Michael Cohen was Donald Trump's personal lawyer for 10 years. Communications between Trump and Cohen were supposed to be privileged and protected, so Trump would have been free to tell Cohen anything and everything. If there's one person who would know firsthand about Russian collusion and all its detail, it's Michael Cohen. And if there's one person who would be happy to tell Congress about Russian collusion in all its detail, it's also Michael Cohen.

Michael Cohen hates Trump. He has said so repeatedly and vehemently. So last week, Democrats on Capitol Hill put Cohen under oath and asked him about Russian collusion.

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, D-Fla.: Based on what you know, would Mr. Trump, or did he lie about colluding and coordinating with the Russians at any point during the campaign?

Michael Cohen: So as I stated in my testimony, I wouldn't use the word "colluding."

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There you have it. Michael Cohen says there was no collusion with Russia. That is the final word. After two years, the most far- fetched spy story in American history ends abruptly. The Russia conspiracy is dead, killed with hatchet-on-stump finality on live television.

But here's the twist -- nobody in Washington seemed to notice. They had no idea what just happened. Like Mike the headless chicken, they are still running around bumping into things. In fact, they are still issuing subpoenas.

On Monday, the House Judiciary Committee sent out at least 81 of them. The subpoenas are aimed at individuals, organizations and government agencies that might have damaging information about Donald Trump. Information that for some reason, a reason nobody can explain, his personal attorney of 10 years did not have. Apparently, it's extra-double-secret information.

At some point though, it's easy to lose track of what all these investigations are about. Can you remember? Search a memory for a moment. Last week it, was Russian collusion, the hacking of our democracy by Vladimir Putin, unseen saboteurs. This week, every bit as solemnly, it's about obstruction of justice.

If this all seems a little nuts, prepare yourself. We learned on CNN on Monday that it's simply the beginning. Additional names, additional document requests. If you had to sum up the entire Democratic platform, those two sentences would do it. "More subpoenas. Vote for us, we will investigate."

At some point though, it's easy to lose track of what all these investigations are about. Can you remember? Search your memory for a moment. Last week it, was Russian collusion, the hacking of our democracy by Vladimir Putin, unseen saboteurs. This week, every bit as solemnly, it's about obstruction of justice.

So, what are Democrats telling us? Well, you can see what they are telling us. Impeachment is coming. And,of course, it is. Democratic leaders have assured us, again and again, they have no plans to impeach, but they are lying. Their voters demand impeachment. So really they have no choice.

In some ways, an impeachment trial would be an upgrade from the creepy secretive process we have now. Shadowy intelligence agencies won't be spying on anyone during an impeachment trial. Federal agents won't be rousting anyone from bed at rifle point. Impeachment is a public and fairly transparent process. We can watch on television. We can assess for ourselves what we think of Rep. Jerry Nadler and his friends. Best of luck to the Democrats on that.

But take three steps back. What's the cost of all of this? To the rest of the country? Well, it's hard to assess that, really. But a story in the paper on Tuesday does give you some hint of it. It's this. In 2017, the combined death rates from alcohol, drugs and suicide in this country hit their highest recorded levels ever. Ever. Since recordkeeping began.

But you know this if you live here. If you haven't been to the funeral of someone who's died from booze, drugs or suicide lately, count yourself lucky because they're everywhere.

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The surreal thing is that nobody on television ever mentions any of this. It's like it's not even happening. Maybe that's because, in their world, it isn't happening. Everything is fine where they live. People there are prosperous and secure and happy, and they plan on staying that way. They resent any attempt to remind them that in the world beyond the coastal cities, America is killing itself.

That means that people who built this country are dying. The people in charge of this country are ignoring them as they die.

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You've got to wonder how long this can continue. It's too frivolous, it's too dishonest. They keep telling us, the only thing that matters is Trump.

They know that isn't true. They just don't want to talk about the rest of it because they are implicated in it.

Adapted from Tucker Carlson's monologue from "Tucker Carlson Tonight" on March 5, 2019.