Gutfeld calls out Democrats: They're in 'bad shape'

The Democrats are in bad shape. 

How bad a shape? Well, if they were a person, they'd be this. 

PHOTO OF AN OBESE PERSON

The latest Fox News poll shows the president drowning on every key issue. He's so underwater, the Secret Service had to entangle him from a fisherman's net. 

So look who they brought in to cheer everyone up. 

It was either that or take Joe to Chuck E. Cheese, but they were afraid he might choke on another pepper. 

But it looked kind of sad. 

SAD VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS WITH PRESIDENT BIDEN WALKING AROUND ON STAGE NEAR FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

Just $19 a day and you can save a pet. That was really depressing. Someone put on "Old Yeller" to cheer me up. He looks like a 4-year-old boy who lost his mommy at the mall. 

It's kind of worse — he looks like Jesse Watters at his last class reunion. Biden has been that ignored since he called Saudi Arabia, but I guess when things are bad, you got to make it feel like the good old days. 

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Mr. President, welcome back to the White House, man. It feels like the good old days. 

Memories, like the time your vice president, Jill, who is my sister-in-law, passed the New Deal and the Louisiana Purchase all in one day. 

So while you're dealing with $5-a-gallon gas, Biden's waltzing down Memory Lane. It's the shortest lane, by the way. 

Meanwhile, voter enthusiasm is at its highest level since 2010, when Kat just turned 30. 

An NBC poll found a 17-point Republican advantage. The last time anybody saw a gap this large, Evel Knievel tried to jump it. I wonder what Joe thinks.

FAUX PRESIDENT BIDEN: Oh, yeah. Sometimes I just like to ride the Amtrak and pretend it's the old days. I'm not kidding, man. I'm serious. Look, it's a true story. Hey, buddy. I'm serious about that, it's a true story. It's no joke, I'm not kidding. 

It's so amazing. So is a bloodbath coming for the Dems? Maybe. But let me be a soggy blanket — something I was known for at camp. 

It's not going to be a blowout if the voters don't finally see the true big lie: that Democrats care. 

It's a lie we've been taught since I was a kid like the tooth fairy, and everyone is beautiful. It's what made me a liberal back when I was just a model for svelte teen monthly. 

But when it came to compassion, Republicans sucked and Democrats ruled. The Dems cared more about the poor, the sick, the downtrodden, while Republicans played golf at their all-white country clubs before digging into panda steaks and endangered spotted owl eggs, then afterward they'd head to a local orphanage and beat the crap out of a redheaded child in a wheelchair. 

Sounds like Mitt Romney's autobiography.

But it's not true, and he never was. But it didn't matter because few challenged the lie, and when they did, they were so bad at it. 

Republicans would say things like, "Hey, we don't need panda steaks. They're too gamey." 

Or, "The kid in the wheelchair didn't have red hair. He was bald." 

But the next election can be a game-changer if voters see the truth about Democrats, that in power, Democrats caused a glaring COVID inequality between the masks and the mask-nots; the marginalization of parents, even calling them terrorists; an epidemic of homelessness fueled by untreated mental illness and drug addiction; the crime wave that's turning cities into chaotic hellholes. 

With that list, every single Democrat should lose because all those problems are part of the liberal wheelhouse — a wheelhouse greased by you, the taxpayer. 

It's what they claim to care about: the children, the sick, victims' rights, education. But in reality, it's just about power, because in every single area I just mentioned, life has gotten worse under Democrats. 

Yet they've been given more second chances than criminals who randomly attack people. 

It's the one true red pill for all voters. Every place where the Left claims the higher ground has left Americans dead or broke. 

Coincidentally, those are Democrats' most reliable voting blocs. 

Look at the new mayor of New York City: so much promise, but so much b-------. He's taking over a city plagued by so many problems that liberals are supposed to solve: the mental illness, the homelessness, poor education. 

And what does the mayor do? He trashes Florida and pleads for gays to move back. But mayor, what good is a pride parade if you're walking on syringes?

Maybe clean the subways before you start inviting people over. You're putting a welcome mat in front of a house on fire.

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And with kids, he's no better. He just decided to extend the school mask mandate for children under 5, which is anti-science and anti-kid. And he did this after he exempted athletes and performers from the COVID-19 vaccine mandate. 

So it's one set of rules for kids and another for the stars. I guess he knows parents of schoolchildren are easier to push around than LeBron James or Jay-Z. 

And besides, who wants a selfie with a 3-year-old in a mask? He's not even famous. 

So no wonder a new poll finds that 59% of New Yorkers believe their family would have a better future if they "left New York City permanently." 

That's one solution: Leave. Go to Texas, Tennessee, even Florida. Yeah, mayor, have you been to Fort Lauderdale lately? It makes San Francisco look like Green Bay. 

New York City better add a tax for people trying to move, but soon we're just going to run out of places to move to. That's why this election matters. 

All elections matter, including school boards. It's no longer just cities that are in trouble. It's a country. 

So maybe it's time. Instead of moving out, we move them out and show them how compassion gets done the right way. 

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening commentary on the April 6, 2022, edition of "Gutfeld!"