Gutfeld: You'd be a sucker to fall for every outlet's Jan. 6 coverage

Today is a big day for CNN.

No, no, no — the age of consent didn't just get lowered.

It's the one-year anniversary of Jan. 6, or as they see it, Pearl Harbor meets 9/11 with a Watergate shooter.

Yeah, it's worse than the worst thing ever, and of course, they're the heroes.

So why commemorate it if it's so bad?

Well first, it's easy. It's just one day, right?

I mean, try commemorating the riots after George Floyd or Jacob Blake, or the burning down of various cities. And don't forget the violent melees after Trump won in 2016. You'd have to hold a commemoration every single day. It'd be like combining Groundhog Day with Rodney King.

But don't hold your breath — unless you're in an elevator with Eric Swalwell. We'll get to him later.

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So instead of acknowledging the many of the dead caused by those relentless, media-approved riots of 2019 and onward, the press chooses to amp up one day of rioting, one they falsely call an "insurrection," since no one's been charged with insurrecting anything.

Hell, more people died at that Travis Scott show.

And worse, they salute online narcs who helped get people arrested for wandering around that day — even after some Capitol police held the doors open for them.

Yeah, our government deputized a nation of stasi-Karens, under the lying guise of sedition, to ruin people's lives.

And if you don't play the media's game, they will say you're playing the event down.

Screw them — they're lying. It's the only thing they're good at.

As we've said before about Jan. 6 — it's a riot, and riots are bad. That's what makes us good people here at FOX. We view all violence as unseemly, well, unless it involves a safe word. 

That reminds me — Bill Hemmer, I need my leather mask back.

But the legacy media's just faking outrage to hide their own pro-violence stance, which is like Stelter trying to hide behind a flag pole.

See, to them, crime and death are just political weapons — the kind that can be hidden when necessary to win an election. And then one to play up in order to not lose an election. 

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Let's not forget how the media manipulated the riots and the crime wave for political favor.

Media outlets show what they call "peaceful" protests.

That is so not true. No one watches you every night.

Like a Twinkie, that never gets old. And here they are now.

Montage of clips plays of media pundits and politicians speaking on Jan. 6.

And of course there's Joe Biden, who, as left wing–run cities burned and people died, chained himself to a basement radiator like he was a Lincoln Project intern.

It wasn't until consultants told him that all this leftist violence could help Trump win. That's why he spoke up … barely. And here he is again, faking concern, 'cause it takes the heat off his disastrous presidency, and puts it on Trump.

Biden: We must decide what kind of nation are we going to be. Are we going to be a nation that accepts political violence as a norm? Are we going to be a nation where we allow partisan elected officials to overturn the legally expressed will of the people? Are we going to be a nation that lives not by the light of the truth, but in the shadow of lies? For the first time in our history, a president had not just lost an election. He tried to prevent the peaceful transfer of power as a violent mob breached the Capitol. The former president who lies about this election and the mob that attacked this Capitol could not be further away from the core American values.

Doesn't sound like he wants to move on. The problem is, the American people see through it like a peephole in a CNN bathroom stall. 

We aren't fooled by their orgy of sanctimony.

They only cared about Jan. 6 to falsely smear millions of people who didn't vote for Biden, while helping their dying networks.

Fact is, they need Trump like our president needs Metamucil — and more Trump content helps boost ratings that are limper than Kevin Spacey thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalog.

CNN is going all-in, and you can't blame them.

Consider the mess they're in.

A network that spent more time last year covering their a-- than the news, and zero time covering up Jeffrey Toobin’s weiner.

You've got multiple anchors accused of sexual harassment — their only star anchor fired in disgrace — producers either arrested or implicated in deviant sex crimes that would make Jeffrey Epstein want to fly commercial. 

Yeah, no wonder they couldn't cover that story either.

It hit too close to home.

So gasbags like Stelter gorge on Jan. 6 like it was an éclair found in a trash can, rather than the perversion exploding around him. Anything to distract.

And they've been wrong so many times on so many things, that they need Jan. 6 more than Alec Baldwin needs an NRA instructor.

It's really about shelf space.

The libs got nothing to sell. 

Biden’s horrendous performance is creating a kink in the supply chain for other news stories. All they have left is doom and gloom. Inflation. Crime. COVID. The border.

That's all they have to fill their shelves.

Is it any wonder that all of this is every bit as coordinated as their efforts to beat Trump, which Time Magazine boasted about, or openly punishing anyone who dares bring up Hunter Biden's laptop.

And, what coordination it is.

You got the New Republic, USA Today, the AP, the Daily Beast, the LA Times, the Hollywood Reporter.

And what do they have in common? 

Other than being covered in parrot s--- by the end of the day?

They're media, interviewing other media, forming a media human centipede … feeding on its own waste, high on its own fumes. 

What's that tell you?

That nothing ever happens in life, until it happens to the media.

Crime didn't exist, you see, until one day in January put the media and their idols on center stage.

What's next? Is the cast of "Hamilton" going to pop by to commemorate the day?

Nancy Pelosi talks about Lin Manuel Miranda.

I was just joking, but yeah, turns out they did get the cast of "Hamilton."

Suddenly, the world's in danger, because they were in danger. 

When in fact, the only person who was murdered was an unarmed woman who our brave media dare not mention ever.

Yeah, they finally found a dead unarmed protester they didn't give a s--- about.

Meanwhile, their lives were in about as much danger that day as Brian Williams was in his third tour of Vietnam.

But before that? 

When neighborhoods were destroyed, businesses plundered, innocent people terrorized, to the media, that was as alien as an episode of "Star Trek."

Because they, the media, wasn't the center of that universe. 

Jan. 6 is their story, as opposed to the riots, the crimes waves, your suffering.

So for nearly two years, they pretended everything was great, but then Jan. 6 happens and suddenly there's a threat to our fragile democracy. 

Yeah, suddenly they're pro-cop, after a decade of painting targets on their backs.

So they use this day, now, to deflect from the devastation they wrought upon this country.

It's the one product they can fill their shelves with, and they hope you care.

But you see through it like a $3 shower curtain.

You know your pain was never the media's concern. Your pain didn't validate their core beliefs, in fact, your pain exposed how their own leftism led to our civil decline.

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To them, authentic violence had to be buried, unless they could use it against you.

You'd be a sucker to fall for this. 

And it's on every Republican who does.

You hear that, Liz?

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the January 6, 2022 edition of "Gutfeld!"