Gutfeld: I hope the Biden campaign sent liberal outlets thank-you cards

Sometimes when a crime is committed, we focus on the main purpose, but not the accessories — except that in the world of cover-ups, in politics, it's the accessories who seal the deal. 

I speak of the 51 so-called intelligence operatives who signed a widely lauded document claiming Hunter Biden's laptop could be Russian disinformation. The keyword being "could be." 

Yeah, and I could be a bottle of ketchup. 

But that doesn't mean you can turn me upside-down and spank my bottom. 

Well, you can. But you have to ask me first. 

When the statement came out, every talking head who wanted Trump gone pointed to it like it was the 10 Commandments, and James Clapper was Moses without the cool beard or the hair. 

But now Republicans are saying these spooks should expect subpoenas next year if they don't tell us how they reached their wrong conclusions — in unison without any evidence, and with the accuracy of Miss Cleo deep into a bottle of scotch. 

Since, after all, it helped the Biden campaign kill pre-election coverage of emails linking Joe to his son's business ventures in China and Ukraine, as well as contact info for hookers and crackheads and other people who still owe me money. 

It's incredible when you think about it: the media, the Democratic Party and our intel services working together like a shadow government, one that, unlike our actual government, ruthlessly gets things done. 

They joined like Siamese triplets, decided how to disappear a story and how to amplify the lie. And ultimately they got Americans to vote the way they wanted them to vote. 

I hope they sent CNN, MSNBC and the good people at "60 Minutes" thank-you cards. 

And now, a year-and-a-half after killing the story, they're verifying the data from tax fraud to foreign lobbying crimes. But why now? Because it serves a purpose. 

Tell us, wise man.

GREG GUTFELD ON ‘THE FIVE’ WEDNESDAY: They suppressed it to get him in. Now they're releasing it to get him out. 

How does that guy keep getting younger? Three words: carrot smoothie enemas. 

But he makes a good point. They manipulated the Biden laptop story like a spigot. They needed Joe to get elected, so they turned it off. And now that he's become an albatross around the party's neck, they're turning it up. 

But some holdouts think it's still really nothing.

ANNE APPLEBAUM: My problem with Hunter Biden's laptop is I think it's totally irrelevant. I mean, it's not whether it's disinformation or, I mean, I don't think that Hunter Biden's business relationships have anything to do with who should be president of the United States. So I didn't find — I don't find it to be interesting.

No, it's not interesting. It's the same way I think about that time in that Mexican prison wasn't interesting. 

Of course, he's not into it. Why cover a story that makes you look so bad? A question "The View" producers should ask their hosts every morning. 

In fact, there should be a service dedicated to when the mainstream media looks stupid. They can call it CNN+. 

Speaking of, here's a great moment from a symposium of disinformation when a bright kid asks Brian Stelter exactly what we've all been asking.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: You've all spoken extensively about Fox News being a purveyor of disinformation, but CNN is right up there with them. They pushed the Russian collusion hoax. They pushed the Jussie Smollett hoax. They smeared Justice Kavanaugh as a rapist, and they also smeared Nick Sandmann as a White supremacist. And yes, they dismissed the Hunter Biden laptop affair as pure Russian disinformation. 

With mainstream corporate journalists becoming little more than apologists and cheerleaders for the regime, is it time to finally declare that the canon of journalistic ethics is dead or no longer operative? All the mistakes of the mainstream media and CNN, in particular, seem to magically all go in one direction. Are we expected to believe that this is all just some sort of random coincidence, or is there something else behind it?

BRIAN STELTER: It's too bad, it's time for lunch. 

It's always lunch with that guy. The weird thing is, it was only 8 in the morning. 

So now the belated verification raises fresh questions about these 51 people. Who are they? Why did they do it? They're so mysterious. You'd think they were from Area 51. The media didn't think this through, and neither did these dupes. 

They forgot about what happens later when you get caught. Or maybe they did, but are convinced they're untouchable, like Hillary and the rest of the Democratic Rat Pack. 

Either way, they claim the New York Post article was part of a Russian disinfo operation. 

So now let's see the paper trail. Let's follow the money. Let's see the names of all the people who helped create the statement. 

That includes all the big names like John Brennan and Leon Panetta and Michael Hayden, and, of course, the ironically named James Clapper, who's never done anything worthy of applause. 

They saw no real evidence, yet they said the Russians did it. The technical term for that is making s--- up. And now the New York Post just published a piece showing the 12 times Joe Biden took part in Hunter Biden's business dealings, showing that the "big guy" was more alert in these shenanigans than he is at his own press conferences.

Saying he didn't is like saying Mike Lindell had nothing to do with MyPillow. I wonder when The New York Times or The Washington Post will decide that this is finally real? Will they wait 18 months? 

I wonder what Joe thinks.

FAUX PRESIDENT BIDEN: Hey, hey, hey, look, look. Come on, man. Here's the deal. Yeah. I mean, your son needs help, you help him out. That's the way I do things, alright? Think about it: If your son likes baseball, needs work on his fastball, you throw a few around, right? If he likes making money from corrupt regimes in Eastern Europe, you know, you throw him a bone. It's what I do. I'm the "big guy." Look, here's the deal. You know, to be honest, I thought if he made a couple of suitcases full of cash, maybe he'd, you know, lose the bad habits. Well, we know how that turned out. And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, when you comin' home? I don't know when. 

Wow. So the cover-up was meant to sway an election by misleading the American voters. Worse, they weren't relying on evidence, but exploiting their esteemed resumes in national security experience. 

And now they may be subject to a congressional investigation. It's ironic; these intelligence officials did not see this coming. 

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Where is the intelligence in that? 

It's like a palm reader getting hit by a bus.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening commentary on the April 7, 2022, edition of "Gutfeld!"