Greg Gutfeld: These new IRS agents will go after the little guy

I still haven't got all the sand out of my but - terfly net. So the Dems passed a bill last night and just like what Joe passes after his morning mush, it's far from solid and it stinks and it should be flushed immediately. 

First of all, never trust anything that has more than one way to describe it, you know it's called the Inflation Reduction Act, which is funny since no one knows how it actually reduces inflation. That's like calling a hot fudge sundae, the Brian Stelter Reduction Act. Even Doc Brown admits it's a ruse, but before he climbed back into his DeLorean. 

GREG GUTFELD: DOES CALLING PEOPLE EVIL HELP YOU WIN AN ARGUMENT?

BERNIE SANDERS: I want to take a moment to say a few words about the so-called Inflation Reduction Act. And I say so-called, by the way, because according to the CBO and other economic organizations who have studied this bill, it will, in fact, have a minimal impact on inflation. 

Yeah, which is tough for Bernie, he’s going to have to wait on that shower chair he had his eye on. They just come in and put it right over the bathtub. 

But that's why this bill comes with so many names. It's the same way professional con artists have many aliases. It's designed to confuse you and hide the grift. Some call it the Inflation Act or the Health Care Act. Then, of course, it's the Climate Act. Why not call it the sex act since we're all getting screwed? It's the Kama Sutra for greedy bureaucrats. 

But the worse is this new IRS army of 87,000 agents to find tax cheats. The thing is, in order to find them, you have to cast a much wider net. People who work hard and make a lot of money are going to be like dolphins who accidentally get caught in fishermen's nets that were meant for sardines and salmon. 

The Washington Post calls it modernizing the tax collector, which is a gentle way of saying arming the government to go after more taxpayers to pay off their orgy of spending. It's a feedback loop. Spend more money, create more agents to get it. Rinse and repeat till the end of time. 

So you got a choice when you're audited, you hire an accountant or a lawyer to help defend your case, or you just avoid the hassle and you pay up. And that's what they hope you do every time. It's stop and frisk for years on end for grandmas. But at least it's inclusive. You should be thanking them for their audit and at least for using lube this time. Yeah, lube.

The media calls it necessary. Something they'd never say about the real police, right? They'd prefer to refund and armed the cops who go after you rather than violent criminals. Which makes sense, since they already believe half of us are domestic terrorists. And also, you know, white collar criminals, they don't shoot back when they're arrested. 

The proponents claim that it will cover higher earners. But when they run out of those, as they always do, they just keep lowering the bar to include everyone else. You know, the IRS are like guys who head out to a bar on Saturday night with the intentions of picking up a ten. But by the time last call rolls around they’re staring at a three and thinking she's got most of her teeth and one good eye -- that's close enough. It's called the Jim Norton Rule.

Fact is, you don't need 87,000 agents to go after the very few rich. There's only 538 people in Congress. And don't buy that this these agency improvements are here to help. 4% of the 80 billion is going to taxpayer services, while 57% goes to enforcement. That's as level as a Gulfstream carrying Chris Christie. It's a small plane. 

So what happens? Well, when you crack down on the rich, the returns diminish because they hire accountants and lawyers to fight it. It becomes a long war of agents and lawyers as resources disappear on both sides. So why do it? Well, it's to appear fair, right?

Remember, in politics, perception and deception is everything. It's important to soak the rich, even if they aren't rich or already soaked by inflation. And it's on you for being scared. Roll it, Clarence. 

FOX NEWS HOST: Can you understand how 87,000 new IRS agents would scare the heck out of millions of Americans? 

SEN. BEN CARDIN: There's no reason to be fearful. And if you paid your taxes and if you complied with our laws, you should want to make sure everyone else does that. 

Yeah. Remember, show me the man and I'll show you the crime. Now, show me the W-4 and I'll show you the fine. But it's not like our government ever targets the people it hates, right? And, yeah, if you're ever charged with a crime and you're innocent, why should you worry, right? It's not like people ever get wrongly convicted.

So how does this help you? Well, first, there's crime, inflation, your kids are in crappy schools, gas prices are eating into your beer budget. Luckily, the government's working to make sure you have nothing, so then you have nothing to hide. 

Here's IRS agent Adam Markowitz justifying this new army. He says, quote, all of my GOP friends who are worried about these new IRS agents coming after the little guy, how about just don't cheat on tax returns? A fully truthful and accurate tax return is bulletproof. I never understood the fear of an IRS audit. 

Well, I like how it's just his imaginary GOP friends who fear this new IRS army. And he never understood the fear. Well, it's always tantamount of charging you with a crime, and it's up to you to clear yourself of the charge. That's what people fear, you schmuck. Bottom line, a person can actually go to jail if they just aren't that organized – like Kat. 

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But then this agent admits in a later tweet that it's a headache to go through an audit. All right, so when you get finished being audited by the IRS, it's not your head that's aching, pal. You're at the wrong end of the horse and he's an ass comparing the IRS to the feeling I get from ice cream. 

Then he adds, And I get that it's costly to go through an audit and nobody ever wins. Well, wait a second, jackass. You just said no one should fear an audit, then you say exactly why they should fear – it disrupts your life and nobody ever wins. 

I got a question for you. What are the property taxes in fantasy island where you live? But if you have an IQ higher than an artichoke, you must see that by now this country is heading towards a police state where the police state, they want your money now. And if you don't see that now, do me a favor and change the channel. I think Fallon is playing beer pong with harry Connick, Jr. right now.