GREG GUTFELD: If Musk steps down at Twitter, here's some replacements

Happy Monday, everybody. Oh man, we've got a lot to talk about in today's monologue. So, like Ana Navarro in front of a plate of churros, let's dive in. I love churros.

So it appears Musk might actually resign as Twitter CEO. I'm not sure if Jack Dorsey will come back, but he'll continue not showering just in case. Over the weekend, Musk asked the Twitter community, ‘Should I step down as head of Twitter? I will abide by the results of this poll.’ – God, if only Biden would take the same poll, but we can dream. 

Then Musk followed up with ‘Be careful what you wish as you might get it.’ That's something I learned the hard way when I wished for Geraldo's friendship. So after 17,500,000 votes, the final result: 57% said ‘Yes, Elon should step down’, 43% said ‘No’, although we're still waiting for results from Maricopa County. You didn't see that one coming, you know? 

But that's a 14-point difference; pretty wide margin. I don't know if we can blame the Dems for stealing this one too – though they still got plenty of votes from dead people, including Keith Olbermann. 

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So who's going to replace him? I'd do it, but I have enough on my plate with this show, ‘The Five’ and my weekends; teaching spot-welding to those sick brats at the orphanage. I hate charitable work. It's too giving. 

But there are some available people out there: Hunter Biden, for example – Be honest. Be honest. He can make it rain in the boardroom and the VIP room. He'll knock up your stock price like a pierced stripper in two-inch heels. Because he did.

Jimmy Failla: Because everyone hates him already.

JIMMY FAILLA: Gregory. Thank you, girlfriend. 

Donald Trump: Let's face it, being Twitter CEO is all the fun of being president-- without being president. You can still torture the media without having to smell. Jim Acosta's horrible breath. And Trump's less filtered than my goldfish aquarium. Those guys sure are good at floating upside down. I know. 

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How about Brian Kilmeade? Who knows how he'll handle Twitter, but it can't be worse than his life. Yeah, I know. That's terrible.

Hillary Clinton: If she can censor, then she won't have to murder. Yes, good one. 

Also happening over the weekend, the latest batch of Twitter Files were dumped showing that the FBI rattled Twitter execs over not removing stuff that upset them. Journalist Matt Taibbi tweeting the revelations, quote, 'Twitter's contact with the FBI was constant and pervasive as if it were a subsidiary.'

He showed that between January 2020 and November 2022, there were over 150 emails between the FBI and Twitter execs, and many were requests by the FBI for Twitter to take action on election misinformation, even involving joke tweets from low-follower accounts. 

And with the FBI investigating jokes, one thing's for sure: they left Trevor Noah's account alone. 

At one point, as many as 80 FBI agents were tasked with patrolling the site; demanding anything they didn't like being flagged or taken down. It's good to see they had extra time on their hands. I guess they got sick of doing pre-dawn raids of Trump and his friends. 

Now I wonder if those same agents consider extortion a crime. Because I have a suggestion then, how about the snot-nosed, pimply-faced brat who published Elon's private jet info on Twitter? Here he is on some public access channel back in February, talking about what it will take to make him go away.

MICHAEL SMERCONISH, CNN HOST: What is your current demand, relative to Musk? What will it make for you to go away and stop this?

JACK SWEENEY: Still a Tesla or $50,000. I mean, I'm not going to up it. There's no need to. 

Awesome. I haven't seen a shakedown that bad since security at the Caesars Palace buffet had Michael Moore stand on his head to see if any glazed hams would fall out of his pockets. 

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So will the FBI be on that kid's tail? No, they're busy interrogating grannies from January 6 or sending a team to harass Mike Lindell. Fortunately, that guy will sleep through anything. 

Meanwhile, more files released today suggest the FBI may have preemptively suppressed accurate news reports on the Hunter laptop story, even before it got published, minus any real evidence that it was linked to an intel operation. 

So that's news. But I wonder what the media coverage of that was like. Must be footage from the WNBA playoffs. Oh yeah, because you watch the games. 

But you can bet they covered all those precious journalists who were suspended for a week for violating terms of service and also doxxing Musk. They're already back after a short time out. And in case you noticed, no one noticed. No one cares. In fact, I'm beginning not to care anymore. The fact that the media does care just shows you how desperate they are for something to fill that Trump-sized hole that 45 left behind. 

Now, who fills that hole? It's Musk. Take a look at Adam Schiff: Although it might induce projectile vomiting. Schiff tweeted, ‘Elon Musk calls himself a free speech absolutist to justify turning a blind eye to hatred and bigotry on Twitter. But when journalists report unfavorable news, they are banned without warning. That devotion to free speech is apparently not that absolute, but the hypocrisy is.’

Musk tweeted back, quote, ‘Thankfully, you lose your chairmanship very soon…’ But – no the best part – No, don't clap yet – He ended the tweet with ‘…[y]our brain is too small’.

That's the best part. The irony is that Adam Schiff's brain is too small to let his small brain stop him. It's why the Democrats keep him around. 

He's their idiot stepchild that makes everyone else in the party appear like geniuses. 

You know, I'm not sure if Adam Schiff was dropped as a child, but I wouldn't blame his parents.